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July 1, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for a month and a half. Sometimes I like him and other times I don’t. He never touches me. I feel like we are just friends. I would rather hang out with my friends. Sometimes I don't like to hangout with him alone. My friends say I should dump him but I’m too scared. I am afraid to hurt his feelings and I feel once I dump him I will want him back. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: The good thing is . . . you do not have to dump him. You can, you might, but you don’t have to. He’s not bothering you, menacing you, or hurting you..
But that is not all there is to dating. If you have read advice from the wizard from days past, you will have heard of sparks. Yes, those things that light up and brighten your day, energize you, and spin your top.
A guy who never touches you, with whom you feel more like friends, and with whom you would not always want to be alone, is not much of a boyfriend. We don’t see sparks there and you don’t feel them. A lackluster boyfriend shouldn’t exist. These terms do not belong together. He should be exciting and fun. He should lift your spirits when he is with you, not deaden them.
As for hurting him, stop worrying. Everybody feels hurt at first and regroups. It’s all part of finding out about people, ourselves, and life. If he feels hurt, he’ll get a grip and move on.
Wizard
June 29, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for 8 years. We have a baby together who is now 1 year and 2 months. He also has a child from a previous relationship and the son is now 10 years. But every time his son comes to visit, he totally forgets that he has another child because his son stays in another city. It’s not as if he is spending time with his son. He goes on drinking sprees for a full week sometimes and does not even contact me or our daughter, and just comes back after his spree is over and says, “Sorry.” I have tried to break up with him several times but he will not accept it. What do I do?
ANSWER: Eight years into a relationship is a long time but not long enough with a child one year and two months old. You are far too deeply entrenched into this relationship to cut it off altogether. Drinking sprees forecast bigger problems in your future. The child, though, needs a dad and for that reason cutting him out altogether is not the best thing, unless he turns abusive, in which case you should be decisive and move.
Keeping him around as a father does not mean you must be romantically involved, live with him, and spend your free time with him. If you decide to live independently, to breathe some fresh air, and find some light at the horizon, well do it, and cheers to you for it. Just keep him as a dad, not a lover, and that can work. It might also help him get his act together.
How do you do it? You gather up your strength and determination and commit to it. You have good reason – it will improve your life and the life of your child. That is all the reason and all the motivation you need.
Wizard
June 27, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy I met at work. We've been together for a little over a month and I do love him. The hard part is he is still legally married, and isn’t sure when he will be divorced. To top things off, he has this adorable son, but I'm not sure how to act around him since whenever I'm around the boy clings for his dad’s attention. The boy’s mother doesn't like me. I'm 19 and the guy I'm with just turned 36. A lot of people seem to have problems with us while others are supportive. I'm not sure what to do. It feels right but I need help on dealing with all this drama. Work is hell since other co-workers have crushes on him, so they dislike me now. I really do think that his son sees me as a threat or something since when I'm talking to him I'm usually interrupted by "daddy this and daddy that." I'm trying really hard, but the other day I read an email his ex sent to him saying "how dare you bring her around my son." The whole thing just seems really silly. I know what feels right but everything else seems to be falling apart.
ANSWER: The mother naturally resents your involvement. The boy is hers, and from her perspective she has just lost a husband and doesn’t want to lose her son too, and no less both to you!
In 10 to 15 years, if you stay with this guy, he will be a middle-aged lunk, the boy will be a teenager, and you will still be a beautiful young woman – they will be your ball and chain!
Welcome to real world entanglements! The mother’s anxieties and anger are real and not to be messed with. At your age, you should think deeply before dipping your toes into this hot soup. Monsters lurk there and they can suck you up.
Wizard
June 26, 2008
Question: I've been with this guy for just about a year. I like him still but I used to like him more. In the almost 12 months he's managed to pretty much change my feelings well enough to cheat anyway. He pokes j/k jokes on 24/7, say 's he loves me when drinking, then takes it back next day. Um, very double standard, whatever the reason he has a solution to it just as long as he’s not the one doing it. I mean, generally he's a nice caring person when he wants to be, but I don't know why only 65-70% wants to leave and the other doesn't. Oh, I almost forgot. How were my conversation skills? Ya, he said, I need to learn how to “”conversate . . . .”
ANSWER: Whatever the conversation skills, he appears to want you only when he’s drunk. When a guy takes it back when he’s sober, 100% of you must be wanting to leave.
Wizard
June 25, 2008
Question: It’s June 21st again. But wait!!! Be relieved because it’s not to ask questions, but to thank you! Your last reply was a slap of reality.
The question was . . . What am I getting out of this? I also had a critical conversation with "the guy." He told me he doesn't date because he hates conversations like that, but I told him that occasionally they are okay because explaining in the end could make things far less complicated. What I realized is this . . . I was going through some things I didn't consciously know. A divorce is never easy even if it's friendly (no, I don't talk about divorce things with "the guy"). It takes a lot of time after to know what you want from a man, your expectations, and what you're willing to take.
"The guy" is uncommital and why not? He's younger, fancy free, no girlfriend, not dating, into his work, tunnel-visioned, likes golf (haha), overly attractive, and is an all around great person. I am flattered that someone this attractive (the one everyone wants too haha) and fun enjoys talking to me. He says he's not going to place definitions on what we have. He enjoys talking to me, I'm fun and very hot, and he is attracted to me. He won't say when, where, and how we will get together because he doesn't think in the future, he thinks in the now. I asked him if it was about control (you know? him making the decisions about the progression), and he said NO, he just likes taking it easy and being uncomplicated. We do work together and are both overly ambitious and that is a barrier. He says he doesn't want to be a part of "office talk." I see his point. Plus, I am in a much higher position. But the truth is...every time we see each other or talk I get flooded and weak at the knees and I know he does too! I've never felt chemistry like this! And I can see it on his face and in his actions, so can my friends! We like each other, are very attracted, get along great, and he handles my impatient and controlling butt well!
I've made a mistake in over analyzing and wanting to rush things. I do need to be "easy breezy" and take things as they go. If this fizzles out then it was still worth the effort because I found something in him I liked and tried to experience. If I let him go (he says that would be my one-sided decision), then I will never know if I could have liked him more. The pain and anguish of not knowing what could have been is far greater! For now, or until I grow weary (I think I will know when that is), he IS worth the wait and taking the time to find out what this could be. I must be myself, work oriented, busy with my friends, modeling, relaxed, funny, and continue to keep my eyes open!
I really appreciate the therapy you have offered. If you ever thought you weren't making a difference, you do! I hope I don't have to write that he broke my heart someday because I want that kiss and I really like him, but if I do, you will listen, and it will be okay because "my guy" will be waiting! Wish me luck! Thanks!!!
ANSWER: Gratified to have helped you and pleased to see you understand your circumstances so well, the wizard wishes you good luck.
Wizard
June 24, 2008
Question: Is it possible for a guy to be too perfect?????????
ANSWER: Yes. Every guy has skeletons in his closet, blemishes on his skin, monsters hidden in his brain, and boulders chained to his ankles. When you don’t know of them, he is too perfect. When you date over time, they are revealed, and you know the true human being he is. All of us are imperfect. The defects become apparent over time.
So it is with marriage. After marriage, if you haven’t seen them yet, you will.
So, no, no guy is so perfect. Therefore, if your guy appears to be so perfect that nothing is wrong with him, that perfection is an illusion.
Wizard
June 18, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy for about a month and 2 weeks. I'm 23, he's 28. I actually lost my v-card to him. We have had sex maybe 5 times now and he just brought to my attention that he wants me to have his baby. Should this worry me? He quickly said he knows I can't because of my career involvement and goals I have in my life. He just feels that I am the best candidate. I told him I understand him wanting that because he feels as if he's running out of time at his age, etc. He also said "I love you". I have never said that to anyone yet in my life and I have had the urge with him but I want to be a 100% sure. We are also on busy schedules that leave us only seeing each other late at night. He comes over to my place, we start a movie, and then have sex.
I'm just so confused. I know him but I don't know him and I keep telling him lets talk but damn it that is such a girl thing to say. He keeps telling me it takes him time to really "unload" to a person.
The baby thing is the big question though. I can't give that to him so should I end it? I'm not looking to have kids till I am at least 33.
Help!
ANSWER: You are right about not giving him a baby. That is not something one calculates (yes, so mathematically) with a date, and especially with one he has dated for a little over one month. If he feels he is running out of time, he does not understand the longevity of life and the biological facts. He has plenty of time. If he is someone who needs time to unload to someone, he sure unloaded to you!
With a guy who wants you to have his baby, should you be risking your body, mind, and future by having sex with him?
“Let’s talk” is an intelligent and completely appropriate response. Stop worrying about it being a “girl thing.”
If you really like him, ending the relationship altogether may be too strong a reaction. If he won’t talk (when you tell him again that you want to talk about it), and insists on the current practice of seeing each other only at night to have sex, ending it is not too strong a reaction.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years in October of 2007. He dumped me because he fell for another girl. I was devastated and it was a total shock for me because I was not expecting it. I didn´t have idea what had been going on for many months. He had been acting a little bit distant with me, but I thought it was because he was stressed by so much work. He was distant, but at the same time nice and kind.
I cried a lot and I thought I would never fall in love again. A week after the breakup, I met a wonderful guy and I started dating him.
He fell in love with me, but I couldn´t fall for him because I was still thinking and loving my ex.
Six months went by and my ex came back telling me he still loved me and wanted to be with me.
I felt very excited but I didn´t show emotion when I was around him.
I dumped the new boy I was dating for my ex boyfriend.
Now, I´m very confused. Should I get back with my ex or is this a mistake?
ANSWER: Do you no longer feel the love for your ex boyfriend? Or do you feel now that you love the new boy you were dating? Or do you feel you love them both? Or do you not know how you feel?
If you love both of them, stick with the decision you have made. You can’t play musical chairs with guys. It gets too complicated and they feel sat on.
If you are unsure about both of them, stop dating both of them.
If your instinct tells you that you love one of them, date the one you love.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: I think I love this guy, but it’s just not the same as it was a month ago. He no longer replies to my texts and it feels like he wants me to end it. I don’t want to lose him because he means the world to me, but I don’t see any other thing that I can do.
ANSWER: Ask him whether he wants you to end it. You should get an honest answer. If he says no, see if you get the same lackadaisical response from him. It may be that he is not techno-happy, like he doesn’t like to reply to anyone’s texts. Or it may be that he wasn’t straight with you. If he says yes, take him at his word and find another guy.
Wizard
June 15, 2008
Question: I wrote on May 21. "Uugh I'm at a loss." So, after that passage I wrote him a text that basically said goodbye and have a nice summer. He claims he read over it but didn’t remember what it said. Yeah right. That day he blew up the phones at work and called my assistant and asked where I was. Not knowing, she forwarded the call to my BB. We talked for an hour and I kept it easy breezy. There have been calls and texts all throughout the last week, but nothing on the last 3 weekends and very little sexual stuff last week (not normal). This is all new for him. He usually calls on the weekends. I did text him Friday night until about 9. So here I sit wondering . . . what's he doing, does he have a girl over, is he out picking up women, etc. I can’t place a call. It'll break the "rules." He needs to chase me, etc. I feel so DESPERATE, like I'm losing him. This is a feeling I would only express to my friends and here.
He never sees the desperate side. It's dumb too because I do NOT chase men. My friends think it’s funny sometimes because they say I’ve met "my match." They tell me to chill out, that he's not going to call every day. Why not? He used to!!! We used to talk or text for 12 hours a day EVERY day!!!
Last Thursday (3 days ago) a friend of mine went to his office (his office is 10 miles from mine) and asked for his assistance. She said he was very, very professional and then she mentioned my name. She said he blushed, smiled from ear to ear, got up from his desk and started fidgeting. She said he talked about me for the next 15 minutes. She said he said, smiling, “Yep, I know her. I know, know her,” and caught himself. She is a very high exec and did not know him from Adam. He even asked her to call me from his office using a business excuse. When she tried my office line he said no call her on her BB. She doesnt answer that phone. They were laughing and playing with me on the phone. Afterwards, she called me and of course said how attractive he was but also picked up on a nerdy side. That it is VERY obvious that he liked me! She said he "showed his butt" ha. She also said that if he was a player or trying to get rid of me he would have just said, "Oh yeah, I know her." and that would have been it. She said he wanted me to come down there so bad. But I did not have a business excuse to do so. He called me an hour later. We talked and it was fun and flirty.
My guy friends tell me to give him time, that he is younger (10yrs), and I am freshly divorced (4 months that he knows), that I am in control of making more money than him, a fancy car, my looks, house, side modeling (he looks like one), successful career, etc. He is a tunnel-visioned numbers guy, and a dominant male, and wants to be in charge of how this progresses. They say that I need to give him that one bit of control and relax about it. (Oddly enough, this is the type of man I long for. My X was passive and non-engaged, with no drive or ambition). They say no man would still be talking to me if he wasn’t interested. They also say there is no way he has a girlfriend acting the way he does with me.
He says he's a home body and doesn’t like crowds or go out. He says he's only had one girlfriend at 26. My girlfriends say I am projecting my insecurities from an unfaithful husband on to him, and that he probably is what he says he is.
I do have the patience of a tick and over analyze every move he makes. I know I do not want to rush things and let him be the "hunter," but I feel like the longer I wait the more emotions I have wrapped up into it. I also know I can’t forget about him either. I try to stay busy and it’s like going through the motions.
Sometimes he'll go 3 days and we won’t talk, then he’s hot an heavy for 4 days straight and sending me flirty pics. He used to only text, now he calls too. But he waited 2 months AFTER I said the just texting bothered me. I’ve been talking to him for almost a year and I was separated until 4 months ago, now divorced. When I asked him out before he said he'd let me know. He also expressed great concern about his job. He is trying to move up the ladder and is smart as heck. He also bought a house and has been there for 3 months. He said he'd let me know when to come over. He doesn’t want people to know his personal business or who he is dating. But HE made a connection to me in front of the Exec last week. People do talk.
So, gosh, what do I do? 1.) Easy Breezy? 2.) Forward. "Lets do this or I’m Done." I would really need advice on this one because of work and every time I see him I am right back where I started. 3.) Continue the game until our 2 week summer break or until my sex drive is completely tortured?
ANSWER: What happened to the “simple date” idea?
Easy breezy doesn’t work for you. “Let’s do this or I’m done” doesn’t work for you. Continue until our summer break or until my sex drive is completely tortured works for you. Yes, works for you, because you must be enjoying this to allow it to continue.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
Question: To dump or not to dump? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months but for the last year and two months I've been wanting to move on. He lives with me, so this is a very hard thing to accomplish. Whenever I mention breaking up he freaks out and says he'll kill himself. He has become very unattractive to me because of his attitude. He doesn't take care of himself like he should and I can't talk to him about anything important because he has no idea what the hell I'm talking about. He just can't keep up with me in the smarts department. I just can't see what we have in common anymore. What should I do? PLEASE HELP!!
ANSWER: The answer to the first question, whether to dump, is a simple “yes.” The second question, much more difficult, is how do you dump another who lives with you? You first need to establish that a break-up is necessary. You must not waiver or fret about it.
If you share a lease, it gets complicated with legal issues. If you jointly own a home, the legal issues get even worse. If you have let him into your apartment, and you pay the rent, it is as easy as telling him to leave with a boot in the rear-end (figuratively speaking, of course). If he pays the rent, then just leave.
Your question does not describe the details of your living arrangement, and you probably did not intend to ask legal questions. Whatever the details, and however complicated, the dump will be effective if you decide, without any hesitation, to take action and get it done. That is the critical most important first step. If done well, it will be the last step also.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
A glitch occurred in the programing. If you sent a question for the wizard's advice between June 4 and June 13, you received an error message and nothing arrived at the wizard's desk. Therefore, no questions arrived and no answers could be given by the wizard between these dates.
We apologize for any inconvenience. The problem is now fixed and your questions can now be processed successfully.
June 3, 2008
Question: Hello again ~ I've been with this guy, Harry, on and off for about 5 months now. His ex-wife is a witch, to put it nicely. She hates that we are together and tries to use their kids to keep us apart. Like saying that the kids aren't allowed to be around me, etc. This past weekend they were, and she knew about it, so I guess we're over that, but just trying to make my point. She then tells today that he can only see the kids when they are at her house. He has a right to get them every other weekend, and it says so in the divorce papers, and there is nothing she can do to change that without his consent, right? I am tired of hearing her wine and complain. She was fine with us being together until her and her boyfriend broke up and now I guess she doesn't want Harry to be with anyone either and is trying to make his life hell, by bitching all the time. He's trying to be civil about it for the kids sake, but it's getting a little extreme. How do we deal with her?
ANSWER: Agreements in writing, in the context of a divorce, are normally not changeable unless both parties agree to make the change or the court orders a change.
Yes, the best you can do is keep things civil for the sake of the kids, and hope that she gets over her problem. If it continues to get even more extreme, your guy might need to contact his attorney to seek judicial remedies.
Wizard
June 2, 2008
Question: My boyfriend is quite boring when we go out on a night out, just the two of us. But when he's out with his mates he acts like a real party boy. He loves me, we live together, and we're going to get married in a couple of years. But is it me?
ANSWER: Depending a little on what you mean by “party boy,” maybe he is on his best behavior when you are around, thinking you want the “boring” behavior. If you want more of the “party boy” around, tell him so. See if he changes his tune.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: Okay. my boyfriend and I have been going out for a couple months now and everything has been really good, but I’ve been noticing my best friend and him getting really close. He never stops talking about her, and always is wondering what she is doing and all. People I don’t speak to often/ever have been coming up to me in the hallway and asking what my best friend was doing "snuggling" with my boyfriend. Then I was at a party and she was upset and he left me to go comfort her, which is nice but they were a little too close when I found them. I’m not sure what to do, or if this is even a matter I should worry about.
ANSWER: Smells fishy. Tell your boyfriend that you don’t want to share him with your best friend. Tell him if he wants to date her and not you, then he should tell you now rather than make you wait and wonder. The only fair way to handle this is with an up-front disclosure of who feels what for whom.
No need to confront your friend. The burden should belong to your boyfriend.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: There comes a time in everybody's life when they find the one that they think they are supposed to be with. They hope that that person will always be there for them, but in the end they realize that they won’t, that it was all an act, some torturous game designed to play with the emotions of one they claim to love. How can something go from being perfect to a complete disaster in less than 15 minutes? What makes it change? And when it does, how do you recover?
People tell you that you’re perfect and that they don’t understand what went wrong either, that you’re better off, that anyone would be lucky to have you, and on the outside you smile and agree but on the inside you’re screaming, you’re broken, and you know you will never be the same.
You try to move on, and promise yourself that time heals all, but is that really true? Does time heal all?
If it does, why is it so hard to let someone else in? If you know its over and you have other options, what keeps you from taking them, what makes you hold back? Is it ever possible to get your heart back once you have given it away?
ANSWER: Emotion interferes with rationality. When emotion takes over, rationality ducks and hides. When emotion goes away, rationality returns. That is why time is said to heal. Emotion is short-lived. The pain emotion can cause might last longer, but the emotion of the moment will disappear. Over time, after the emotion has gone, your rationality provides a clearer, more sensible perspective on what happened and what you can do about it. This is why one should not act out of emotion, such as anger, hurt feelings, or joy. One tends to act inappropriately to the situation in such moments. Time allows clear perception of events and options, reflection, analysis, and calm deliberation.
Fear is another emotion, and it lasts longer than most. The greater one’s pain, the longer one’s fear will last, and the fear might cause you to decide to forego options that arise later. This is an explanation for holding back, not letting someone else in. You fear the same result, another rejection, another giving of the heart to no avail.
It will be you, not time, that heals. It will be you, not time, that causes you to get your heart back.
When you give your heart away, you commit yourself to a relationship with another person you love, and you devote your soul to making it work, and your hopes and aspirations include that other person. The longer the relationship continues with your commitment in love for that person, the greater will be your disappointment and devastation when you learn from the other person that he does not love you with the same commitment.
You will gain perspective from the experience, as hurtful as it was, by knowing the risk of a new relationship. At first that risk will cause fear because you will hesitate, knowing the risk, that going into a new relationship only to suffer the same loss and pain is ridiculous. This is a form of despair. Combined with the longing for love that all of us feel, the despair can become so onerous as to make life almost impossible.
You must draw from within yourself the rationality that you possess and that has been hiding while your fear has persisted. If the other person is unable to love, or acts and speaks like he is in love with you but then appears to change his mind, he is not the one for you. Rationally, you are better off without him, and be grateful he changed his mind before you got married and had children.
Rationally, you know that you will not find the right person by withdrawing and taking no risk.
Rationally, you know that if you don’t feel in love, you will tell the other person, and you expect the same of him.
Rationally, if he is slow to confess his lack of love for you, or schemes to pretend to be in love, you want to find out eventually, even if it is late in the relationship.
Rationally, you know that it is only fear that holds you back.
Rationally, you know that he was not the right one – because he didn’t love you – and therefore losing him was no loss at all.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: The guy I'm dating is attentive, trustworthy, kind, and claims to be completely in love with me. I would give anything to feel the same way and not have to go through with this. We have been dating for a year now, and my feelings for him are becoming more and more platonic. He's definitely the sensitive one in the relationship and I want to let him down as gently as possible. He's never done anything wrong -- I just know it would be wrong to let this go any farther knowing that I don't see any future for us. I don't have any experience breaking it off with someone so perfect. Can you give me advice on what to say to him?
ANSWER: One of the most perplexing conundrums in life is figuring out how to break up with someone who has done no wrong, is great in all respects, but you just don’t love him. There is no rational reason he will understand, though your reason is as rational as any reason can get: You do not feel the romance. Why? Who knows? Not even you.
You must tell him. The way to do it is to say, in a nice and as pleasant way as possible, that you don’t feel romantically engaged with him. Tell him how nice he is, that you don’t have a quibble to complain about with him, but your feelings “inside” simply do not add up to romantic love.
It is always difficult to do this, but the pain you feel is greater than the pain he will feel. He will do fine and will move on. You will worry and feel like pushing a carrot through a pin-hole, but once it is over you will feel so much better.
You are honest with him and you are saving him a huge loss of time. He will respect this and feel thankful after he has thought about it.
If you are looking for something more complicated in this advice, you don’t need it. The task you must do, as difficult as it feels, is as simple as this advice. Tell him, nicely, in a few words, and that will work. If you get into a long discourse with him, you unnecessarily prolong your own anguish,
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: Wizard, I met this guy online in December. It started so sweet. I was so happy because I had gotten out of a terrible long distance relationship with a guy who did not even like kissing and was a slug . . . another story.
So this guy was wonderful on our first date, but he was already saying I love you. We should not have had sex on the first date and we did.
Enter the dog.
I learn that his dog is his “other girlfriend.” Aside from that, he is subtly hinting he needs a place to live and he keeps hinting for me to let him live with me, and of course the dog with him, once his lease is up.
Yet, he is still scoping online. And in all the months we were together, he never had me sleep over. He indulged in my kindness, which was me always bringing him food. Our relationship turned into a co-dependent one of sorts, not alcohol, but I was supplying him with his meals. He portrayed himself online as this saavvy dude, but he really was a penny pincher. His “I love you’s,” which were only during sex, stopped. He did not love me.
He was great at accepting my dish washing and food shopping. He let his dog jump all over me and hurt me. He never took me seriously. He would put his arm around me and caress his dog’s behind like a lover for example.
He would insult me, and never want to talk, and if I tried he would say, “Watch the movie.”
He hurt my feelings all the time. I finally ended it. Sure enough, he was back online to the date site the next day. It was not pretty. He did not even try to work it out and he told me never to contact him again.
He would reject my love and advances and only want back massages until I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open, and at 2 a.m. I would have to go home on a Friday night, never inviting me to stay over. And the pattern stayed.
Then, he last week called me passive. I told him I stopped being forward because he started rejecting my contact and it was always what he wanted. I am so broken.
ANSWER: Which is worse, a slug or a guy and his dog who depend on you for food? The answer was the slug until you explained the guy’s dog is his second girlfriend.
The insults are over. The dog and her guy friend can go online and find someone else for next month’s food supply. Take a breath of fresh air and find someone else.
Wizard
May 30, 2008
Question: I have been dating a guy for 4 years. We are together every day and he has been married 3 times. He has 2 kids and I have 3 kids. He won't move in with me or marry due to finances. He says he doesn't want to get married until the kids are grown and IF I want to live together I can move in to his tiny studio apartment with him, where he knows he can afford the bills and won't get stuck. I live in a big house. What should I do? I want to at least live together or get married, but I could barely fit my shoes into his tiny apartment, much less all of our kids! Ridiculous! Help!
ANSWER: If you own or rent a big house, and can afford it, have him move in to your place. He can pay you what he pays for his other place. He’ll have more room, more fun with you, and it won’t cost him any extra cash.
You can put the agreement in writing, if necessary, except be sure that you reserve the right to kick him out on notice if you don’t like him there any more.
Wizard
May 29, 2008
Question: My boyfriend of almost 3 years moved out because he says he gets to a point where he feels he needs to see other women. He says he still loves me and he still wants to see me but he wants his freedom to see if this is a better way for him to live. He told me he did not want to lose me? He seems confused, but I don't think I can stand by while he fits me in between other women. I love him, but I really don't know what to do. I seem miserable not talking with him and I am in pain trying to fit into the new situation if I agree to still see him.
ANSWER: This guy should learn that most women don’t like belonging to a harem. Most also don’t like being one of many wives. And, consistent with these principles for adults, young girls don’t like being on a guy’s long list, even if they are first on the list.
Dump him, unless you think it is okay for him to be unfaithful to you because you love him so much. You should see what other guys are out there. If you don’t find any, and the guy decides you are the tops, maybe he’ll come back intending to be faithful and you will take him back. Otherwise, say, “Hasta la vista, baby.”
Wizard
May 28, 2008
Question: I wrote to you a while ago about my then boyfriend that needed a break. Well, it’s been a little over a month and there is no communication between the two of us, so I’m assuming it’s over. I have been talking to a couple of guys and they are sweet and cute and all, but it doesn’t feel the same. I want to be fair to them and not start something I can’t put my all into. The problem is that my heart still belongs to my ex. Obviously, he has made his choice, so I need to accept it, right?
My other problem is that my ex’s best friend and I have gotten really close. We became friends before I started dating my ex and when his friend and I split he was there to support me. I was recently informed that my ex’s best friend, Tom, had a crush on me before I started dating Ron (my ex), and now since I am currently single he has decided to share this information with me. Tom currently has a girlfriend of two years but has told me that she does not support him the way I do, and says that we have a ton of things in common, which is true, but at the same time I don’t want to be the other girl. I believe in commitment and would do nothing to interfere with that. If it wasn’t for him being Ron’s best friend and him having a girlfriend I could see something there. We have a connection that is strange because it just kind of happened. I am comfortable enough with him to be my whole self. I don’t have to hide anything and I can tell him anything. I’m really confused. If you have any advice I would love to hear it.
ANSWER: You can tell your ex that you assume it’s over and see how he reacts. Given what you have written in the past, it might be over, and yes, you should learn to adjust to it if it is over.
If you are interested in Ron, you can stay interested and see what happens. He seems interested in you, and perhaps he is more interested in you than the girl he has been dating. If you keep him interested by being positive and friendly with him, you should accept if he asks you on a date. If he runs into trouble with the other girl, the relationship is probably already on a slide downhill. If she is a friend of yours, you might want to give her some slack.
Don’t worry about him being your ex’s best friend. No one is cheating on your ex. He chose to take a break, not you.
Wizard
May 27, 2008
Question: Hi, my name is Rose. I have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. I am in need of some advice. This guy I’m with cannot keep a job. My kids don’t like him anymore either. They are 7 and 10 years old. I got access to his email and craigslist account and found some naked pics of himself as well as him sending emails out to other females. I had confronted him about it and he said that he only wanted to see if any one would respond. This has been going on since December, 2006 on craigslist. I think he is full of it when it comes to that excuse. When I would walk into the room he would close his yahoo messenger when he knew I’m coming. I know this much. He does not plan on leaving, ever. I had tried to break up with him and he was going to do something spiteful in order to get me in trouble. As for the job part he will only pay when employed for his part of whatever he uses. Is that normal? He says that he does a lot for me like watch the kids since my other babysitter left due to a new job, does laundry, and been walking my dog due to a surgery that I had, and goes to the store and takes my kids to a couple of appointments.
What should I do about this guy? Does he even know how to have a relationship?
ANSWER: If you and the kids don’t like him any more, it is time to tell him to find another place to live. He can go on craigslist any time he wants.
If you want a babysitter, you’ll pay for one. A live-in babysitter is never a good idea if he’s male and wants you or, worse, wanted you but now won’t leave.
If by “he will only pay when employed for his part of whatever he uses” you mean he will pay only for what he uses when he uses it, that is not normal among house mates, soul mates, date mates, or any other kind of mate.
Wizard
May 27, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, We were so in love, this man and I. But long distance, frequent misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and incompatibility in our spiritual beliefs tore our love asunder. Until recently, we still talked and even considered getting back together, but in our last conversation, he told me that since we broke up, he'd had sex twice with a "friend with benefits" and that it was awful, and he was just trying to get some comfort, and he still loves me.
I understand his seeking comfort. I'm trying to move on myself. But I just don't understand why he had to tell me that. Maybe he's trying to hurt me because I told him about other men being interested in me and that I was (I thought) ready to go ahead and date other men. Maybe he thought that telling me about his friend would help me move on, or maybe he thought telling me would make me jealous and spur me to come back? I just can't understand why he told me what I'd already felt was going on anyway. I had sensed his emotional distance, and it made me want to be distant with him. Since he told me about this, I feel disgust toward him and want nothing more to do with him. I have stopped all communication with him. Still it's hard to move on.
I want to date other men, but am still feeling hurt. I think about him a lot and I get angry over things that were said and done. Several other men are expressing interest in me, but I'm not really into any of them.
Should I go ahead and date anyway, or should I wait until I feel more disconnected from him? Do you think that dating would help me get over this hurt? I think maybe it'd be unfair or misleading to another guy until I feel better about the end of this relationship, but then I think, maybe it would help me get onto feeling better if I do just go out for fun. The thing is, men tend to want to get romantic with me and I feel vulnerable.
I hope you can say something that will help me deal with all. Thank you!
ANSWER: The time clock of the dating world moves at your rate. No time related reason compels you to date Now rather than Later. Date when you are comfortable dating, knowing that the reason for your taking time is your own reason and requires no justification or rationale that meets anyone’s requirements but your own. However, once you start dating again, it will likely help you get over the hurt, especially if you are interested in the one you are dating.
The wizard cannot know for sure why your former boyfriend said what he said, but suspects that he still suffers from some amount of insecurity when it comes to maleness and sex, and told you of his success in sexual conquest. It probably had nothing to do with you and nothing to do with any scheming on his part about you. He probably wanted to hear himself say it more than have you hear it. His statement was more a means of self-gratification and revelation of his machismo (however much of it he really has) than anything else.
This is a normal young male “thing” that should cause you no concern, especially about yourself. Usually the guy does this with other guys, but you were a convenient and easy target. If the wizard is right (and may not be), don’t try to find meaning in it because for you there is no meaning.
Wizard
May 26, 2008
Question: I've been with my man for almost a year. Things were going great. We would sleep together, he would take me to work, and etc., until I screwed things up. I went out with my ex and my boyfriend found out. He doesn't take me anywhere! He says that now he can't trust me but he moves in with another woman after the incident but neglects to tell me. I finally found out and have seen the other woman around the family, in front of my eyes! I still love him. He says he still loves me but he only wants sex and nothing else now. Apparently he is concerned about not being able to get a woman pregnant, and it is stressing him out. I really love him and I know he really loves me, but no action behind his words. I have shown action over and over again (I’m still paying for it) but like he wants to stay with both of us. I’m finished begging and pleading, but I’m getting a bit frustrated because I don't want a man to only screw me and nothing else. Help?
ANSWER: Do not date a guy just for the sex. If you love him, and if he loves you, the calculation should result in one plus one equals one, that is, each of you alone are two but together you are one. But unfortunately, he has taken your mistake to heart, or he has other reasons for dumping you.
Either way, he seems committed to being with the other woman. He has moved in with her. And if he wants you only for sex, the calculation is one plus one equals one, that is, each of you alone are two and together you don’t count, which is no way to continue in a relationship.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: My boyfriend (?) told me six months ago that he was in love with me. I believed him, and acted in kind. Trouble is, he said he was, but he did not act like it. He treated me pretty badly, actually constantly putting me on the back burner to other priorities at a moment's notice. I have to admit that part of this is my fault or whatever you would call it because I have expressed despair over being basically his unpaid hooker. He does not like to hear it that way, but that is what he wants – someone to be fun and sexy at his convenience. Then, when he is done, I go away without any hurt feelings or emotional attachment, and just do my own thing until he has the convenience to call me again.
He does not like it when I am emotional. To me, I am just trying to communicate my feelings of confusion that he told me he was in love with me, and his actions speaking so different. He always cuts me off when I go into this.
Well, the other night he came up with a good one. To get out of being in love with me any more he said, "You are not the girl I fell in love with." I messed up and did not ask him what has changed. But, I feel like that is a pretty good one, and you guys should put that in your book of how to dump a girl, or at least get out of that love stuff.
He says he still wants me in his life and all that, but he does not love the neurotic mess HE CREATED by not acting out being IN LOVE with me. I did ask him if he has ever heard of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. He says he never has. And, from his words the other night, perhaps that is true.
He is a Buddhist. Don't they know a lot about love and how to treat people right? That is a whole new subject for perhaps a different Web site. Well, that is it for now.
Hey - Love your site! And, get this, I told my therapist about it, and read him something you wrote me before, and he thought your advice was right on. He even jotted down the Web site. Kudos to you.
ANSWER: Kudos to you for the great narrative!
The Buddhists do not own a corner on the market of love and treating people right – most religions do the same thing. Regretfully, some people do wicked things when they think they are morally right, whether or not a religion is the source of their training or education.
When a guy says, “You are not the girl I fell in love with,” he really means that you are different from what he thought you were or hoped you were. It is not a change in you; it is a realization in his mind that you are different from what he had imagined or wished. If there is fault (and usually there isn’t), it is with him for imagining what you are not or wishing what you could not be.
His fault is using the phrase and for that he should feel guilty. No one should use it to get out of the “love stuff” because it implies that the dumpee is not good enough. Frankly, many dates who get dumped are far better people than the ones dumping them. Every one who must end a relationship will do much better to keep it entirely positive and complimentary without derogatory phrases and criticisms, however warranted they may be.
You were right to complain to him about becoming a convenience date. Girls should be sensitive to this problem and get out as soon as it happens. You did yourself well.
By the way, you did not dump him with derogatory phrases and criticisms. You complained about your hurt feelings in a bad situation. You used an intelligent, direct means of ending the relationship by discussing the hurt you felt from an arrangement that, in your perception, had turned bad. In this way you spoke about the relationship and how it made you feel. He could perceive himself part of the cause and fix it, or he could perceive you as the primary cause. He chose to perceive you as the primary cause. You brilliantly let him choose and, when he blamed you (with the above quoted phrase), it ended.
Wizard
May 23, 2008
Question: Hmmm, I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago and he is still calling and acting like he's my boyfriend. He keeps tabs on if my car is in my parent’s driveway and he tells me all of this negative stuff about my new boyfriend, like he has STDs and cheats on me with his ex and on and on almost to a detrimental point, almost to where I want to break up with my new boyfriend of 7 months even though I love him. My ex was always there for me and still is but I feel he is manipulative over my life. He says he won't be friends with me if I'm with the new guy.
ANSWER: Your ex must get over it. If you love your current boyfriend, you should be able to date him without interference from a boyfriend who you broke up with a full year ago.
Your current boyfriend shouldn’t be burdened by this either.
Tell your ex that if he keeps up this obnoxious behavior, he is no friend of yours.
Your question suggests that you listen to your ex boyfriend. You “almost” broke up with your current boyfriend because of your ex boyfriend’s lies. Don’t entice or act like you listen to him. His behavior is manipulative and obnoxious.
Wizard
May 22, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend exclusively for six years. I really thought that we had something special and that the last thing on our minds would be to share each other with someone else. He ended up asking me for a threesome with another woman. I could not believe it because I thought that he knew how disgusted I would be at the idea. After all, he had plenty of time to know the answer to that after dating me for six years. I was truly offended by the idea. The question itself made me feel like he truly does not love or respect me and it also brought my confidence down. I am a very intelligent, beautiful, young, Ph. D. student and I cannot believe that a man who I thought loved and respected me had the audacity to ask such a disgusting question. I am appalled. I already dumped him, but I want to know if I did the right thing. After all, both times that I asked him if he would have intercourse with the other woman, he specified that he would only do it if he had my permission.
ANSWER: You made the right decision because you were offended and appalled. Your mind and body gave you an immediate reaction – which is a clear signal that the behavior he wanted to do was unacceptable to you, and that is adequate reason for a dump.
It is surprising, however, that it took six years to find out his willingness to engage in sex with another woman. His answer to your question about having intercourse with another woman is no improvement. He didn’t say no. He said only with your permission – which means he would if you let him.
That is not a good answer for a guy who has loved you for six years.
Wizard
May 21, 2008
Question: Uugh, I am at a loss. I’m infatuated with a guy from work. We don’t ever see each other there. ALL the women swoon over him because he is soooo charming and abnormally OVERLY good-looking. I hear it EVERY day!! He even told me a married woman at work told him she'd like to sleep with him . . . eeewww. Said he didn’t because she was married, but he did talk to her for awhile then they just kind of stopped talking. I’m not married (divorced), but is that what he’s going to do with me, just quit talking to me over time??? He texts almost every day at work and night but Wed and Sunday (yeah, no church he says). He pops up little sarcastic texts when I am out on Fri or Sat night, like "are you having fun? Enjoying yourself?" Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don’t. HE COULD be out with me!!! The actual phone calls last up to 4 hrs. Most of the talks (and yes some not-to-nasty pictures were sent . . . uugh), but when they are not sexual the conversation flows and is VERY comfortable. In person it’s very relaxed and fun. I am a control freak and I think he is too, but I also have NO patience. I’ve asked him to lunch and to public events and nothing. We have been to lunch 4 times back in Oct, Nov, and Dec and now he says he doesn’t want work people to talk about who he is seeing. Who cares??? Plus people aren’t dumb. Don’t they know there is an attraction between us? Some do know we’ve had lunch before.
Okay, so the problems are: #1 I really, really like him, but HATE waiting on calls. He doesn’t know I hate it :) I feel eternally like I am chasing him, although he starts 99% of the calls and texts. #2 I have NEVER had to wait on a guy; if I liked them, they liked me. I’m pretty. Am I allured by this chase? #3 I CAN’T give him up because I LIKE HIM and I think he is going to maybe come around. #4 A girlfriend? Says he doesn’t, but why, given his looks and personality? If he did have one, he can’t be that into her if he talks to me, right? He’s also straight as a board!!! #5 Even though men approach me VERY often I cant get him off my mind, I quickly size them up because they don’t compare to him!!! #6 Here is the kicker. His father was arrested for something really bad and is "registered" . . . lets just say sexual in nature. He didn’t tell me about it, someone else did. He does not know I know about it. It’s very underground, old, old-school news. BUT maybe that’s why he is fixated with this sex text/talk? Hereditary? Is that possible or why he's private? I know it was bad and maybe embarrassing, but who cares, he didn’t do it! Or is sex text/talk with no follow through normal to guys?
I think I need to dump him for my own sanity, but have to figure out a way for work not to be awkward and a way to forget about him and not wonder what he’s doing or who he is seeing all the time. I will occasionally run into him at work and every time I do my knees go weak and I get chills! This has NEVER happened to me! I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HIM OFF MY MIND! Please tell me how to move on and not wait on the call OR better yet how to at least get that FIRST kiss I want so BAD! Yeah, ha ha, but seriously! TY 4 the help!
ANSWER: This guy surely is a mystery. No surprise that he was hiding something, though we cannot be sure his father’s conviction is it. He enjoys teasing you – but usually a guy that teases that way does so for a goal. This guy seems to get off on the tease and only the tease.
As good-looking as he may be, and as much fun as the conversation has been, you probably have imagined more good substance to this guy than exits in reality.
You’ve been obsessed with this for quite a while, and with some good reason. He continues to tease, and you continue to respond and yearn for more than he gives you.
Giving you the answer on how to get your first kiss is like finding the right word for admission to the Wizard’s castle in Oz. The answer, though, shouldn’t be so mysterious. A simple date is most likely the right answer. Ask him out to the movies, or out for dinner, or cook a Saturday brunch for him with a walk in the afternoon sunlight.
If he turns you down, he’s a goof, a good-looking full of tease goof, but a goof nonetheless. At least he’s not a geek, a ghoul, or a goon. If he turns you down and you continue to obsess, you’ve been goofed.
A goof is someone who amuses others by ridiculous behavior. In this instance he amuses himself at your expense. So he’s not a clown for someone else. He’s a clown for himself, which makes him an egomaniacal or narcissistic goof, or to be slightly kinder, an egocentric goof.
Wizard
May 21, 2008
Question: I have a guy friend that I've been fooling around with for the past few weeks and his ex found out. His ex is a really good friend of mine and I really like him, but she keeps telling me that she wouldn't date my ex so why should I date hers? The problem is they've been broken up for 3 months! How much time is enough time to get over someone and is it right for me to want to date him even though she keeps guilting me?
ANSWER: If they’ve been broken up for three months, and he is cool with dating you, you should be able to date him. Your friend, however, is a really good friend. The issue for you is this: I like my really good friend’s ex. They’ve been split up for three months. He and I want to date. My friend unreasonably, even irrationally, feels hurt if I date him. Given these details, do I date him and hurt my friend?
Answer the question this way. How good a friend am I? There is your answer.
If she is true in saying she would not date your ex, will you sacrifice the same way? As wrong as your best friend may be, you are aware that dating her ex will hurt her. If she is a really good friend, stay away until her hurt is over.
You haven’t fallen head-over-heels for him. He is a “guy friend.” Selfishness is what love is all about. But this isn’t love, so this is selfishness without love at its core. Selfishness, if not driven by love, is a bad thing.
Wizard
May 20, 2008
Question: When your boyfriend has a child with a woman and you pass them riding in his car together, is that strange? My boyfriend of a year tells me everything usually (I think) but seeing them together made me feel like I was being deceived because he didn't tell me. He normally talks so bad about her that I was shocked. And when I confronted them, they seemed kind of comfortable with each other. He also went to another event that the mother and child were at and told me he was going at the last minute, but didn't invite me.
ANSWER: No, it isn’t strange, if he wants to be a good dad for his child. If you want him to be your boyfriend, try to learn to like the other woman because she is likely to remain significantly involved in his life.
They were intimate with each other enough to have a child together. Though he might talk “bad” about her, he and she still share some of that intimacy because of the child. Not only is that not strange, it is preferred as behavior that is best for their child.
Wizard
May 19, 2008
Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We have had a lot of good times and bad times. We have broken up for 3 weeks and we are trying to make it work. My thing is, is it worth it? He has been physical with me before and has a bad habit of lying about things. He doesn’t want to break up with me, which is making it hard for me to let go. What should I do? I also have a guy at work that I’m sort of interested in.
ANSWER: If you mean by “physical with me” that your boyfriend has hit you, pushed you, or in any way has used his physical strength against you, out of anger or for any other dumb reason, you should dump him immediately. His not wanting to break up is why he doesn’t break up. His “wanting” not to break up has nothing to do with the merits of your decision. You decide for you, not for him.
Wizard
May 17, 2008
Question: Hi. I have been dating this guy for 9 months now, and we are in love. Not madly though. He has given me a promise ring and we plan on or have talked about getting married and starting a family.
There's just one dilemma. I'm still in love with my ex.
My ex and I had to break up because our parents forbade us to be together. He has moved on and seems to be very happy.
Sometimes I have major mood swings that I feel are connected to my unsatisfied heart. I get very depressed in even the most wonderful times just because I think of my ex and how much better things would be with him. If I got angry in front of my ex, he would do anything he could to cheer me up. My boyfriend first tells me to "cheer the **** up," then he just gets pissed.
My question is this: Should I leave my current boyfriend because I feel that I am unable to give him all of me?
ANSWER: Do not get married to a boyfriend who tells you to “Cheer the **** up” when you are feeling down. That’s one reason alone to drop him, promise ring or no promise ring. Another reason is that you are unable to give him all of you, which means that your heart is still attached to another guy. A love for one guy can’t be divided because of a love for another guy. That doesn’t work for most people.
You need to resolve the issue of your love for guy number one. The wizard cannot tell you what to do because your question does not relate the reasons (if you know them) supporting your parents’ decision – and your age and circumstance are not known. However, if you are old enough and mature enough to be talking marriage and children with guy number two, you should be old enough to pick and choose your guy number one.
If guy number one is gone (it has been over three years), a new lover will find you who will treat you like a human being he loves
– and your love for him will not be divided.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: So here I sit, twiddling my thumbs and pondering this life, and all it's many ups and downs. I am no fool to my own ignorance, so I appeal to no one other than my God for wisdom in this world.
Then he came along, like a thief in the night. Sitting alone, I took this opportunity to share the good news of the Messiah with him, by giving him my Bible to glance through before the bell. I introduced myself and I was off.
He came back to me the next day during lunch, shoulders slouched and radiating the oh so cliche anxiety all unpopular boys have during those awkward high school years. None of the less, I have no true friends at school, so I welcomed his presence, and we chatted for about a week. I appealed to my God, asking for strength and guidance in this, like all things in my life.
In my eyes, I had nothing but favour towards him. He was just perfect. We had so many similarities, yet things just took a turn for the worst. I casually mentioned that I had to stay after school one evening, and I mentioned that perhaps he'd like to go out to pizza with me. Of course, I thought it was a given that this was just a friend’s outing, yet now in my heart I believe he thought it was much more.
So we strolled along the European styled streets and had pizza. He treated me like a girlfriend, yet I treated him as a friend. It was awfully awkward, yet in my heart I thought nothing of it. Then the dreaded next day reared it's ugly head.
He came to the area I sit at during lunch like any other day. I felt my stomach hit the ground, and I swear I felt death latching on to my heels. To put it quite simply, I made up a phony excuse and ran. My heart feels sour towards the boy, yet I fear I am treating him unjustly. Obviously, he isn't the one for me, as my Lord would've continued putting favour into my heart for him, yet there is a part of me that desires to be enlightened about the big "why"?
Perhaps as a set of eyes totally objective to the situation, you can tell me what's basically up in this situation, and I pray that you're enlightened with God's wisdom as you answer my question. Please, be as thorough as possible and regard me kindly. If you need to email me to help me, please don't hesitate to. I feel a part of my soul is unsatisfied and searching, and mending this broken spot is dire.
Best wishes to you and thank you.
ANSWER: The guy innocently thought you wanted to get to know him and go on a date with him. In casual parlance, he thought you were coming on to him. He was wrong and is probably disappointed. You didn’t intend to come on to him, at least not in the way he thought.
You thought he was perfect. You and he had similarities. You asked him to go out for a pizza. From your question one can guess that you were turned off by his forward behavior. If that is true, the timing was wrong, but the rest of it might be okay.
An omniscient God, and the creator of us all, intends you to feel the tension you felt with this guy. “What is up” is the normal attraction you felt and the willingness on his part to respond and try to play a role in your life, even if brief and inconsequential. He is also confused, to some degree, and may have reacted in a way you found surprising.
If he is a decent fellow and remains responsive to you, re-create an opportunity to visit with him again. The friendship, perhaps only that for now, can be repaired, and that should mend the “broken spot.”
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: Hey, I've been going out with my boyfriend for about two months now. He's reaaaally funny and always makes me laugh, but the thing is – I really don't know if I like him as much as I used to :/ He's not very apologetic, he's a tad rude sometimes, and a bit insensitive. He takes the mick out of some of my friends in a joking kind of way, but they don't seem to find it funny and neither do I . . . rather annoying actually lol. He's not that good looking either. Some people even say that I'm too good/pretty for him and that I can do better. At the beginning, I really didn't let those comments get to me, but now it's got me thinking. I think I like him as just a friend, but I'm scared of his reaction if I dump him – I absolutely HATE making people feel bad. I reeeaaallly want to stay friends and hang out though. Hope you can help. Thanks.
ANSWER: Your feeling that you don’t want to date him any more but want to stay friends is normal, but this only works if the guy is okay with it. Too often the guy feels hurt or jilted. This feeling easily creeps in and destroys his ability to be friendly without hunger pangs to revive the old romance.
You give the guy a huge compliment when you tell him you really want to stay friends with him. He should appreciate it. He will of course be disappointed, but in time when he thinks about it, he will be grateful that you told him how much you liked him.
Don’t tell him he’s not that good looking. Stay away from criticisms. Keep the compliments going – but be firm and uncompromising on ending the romantic part of your relationship. If he is so hurt that he can’t continue being a friend, that is his own immaturity and has nothing to do with you.
By the way, you might be a tad impractical to expect him to forget everything and hang out with you without lingering temptations to get re-involved. Better to be casual friends for a while. When he has a new girlfriend, he might become more able to hang out with you (if his girl lets him).
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I’ve been going out with him for 4 months and in that time he has done about 3 or 4 things that I should dump him for. But I didn’t because I like him a lot and don’t want to lose him. But lately he has made me feel like crap, and when I tell him how I feel about things he does, he says, “Well I'm sorry I’m still going to do it.”
ANSWER: Whatever it was he did, it is enough to dump him in your opinion, and that is all one needs to know. When he says he will still go do it, even when you don’t like it, you should dump him if those things are important enough for you to dump him. Simple as that.
If you like him a lot and don’t want to lose him, do you still feel the same way when he says he’s going to still do what you don’t like? If so, don’t dump him. If not, dump him.
For most girls, if the guy they date won’t change what bothers them, and no good reason justifies that response, the guy gets swiftly dumped.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy for 5 months, and until recently I really really liked him. Now, I just lost all the feelings I had for him. But he is still OBSESSED with me. I'm scared if I break up with him, he'll like kill himself. I'm young, so I just want to try dating other people and trying new things, and he's just really boring and pretty much keeps me from doing a lot of those things I want to do.
ANSWER: You must not allow your boyfriend’s frailty or weakness to control your decision of whether to dump him. A guy who can be so upset at getting dumped that he might hurt himself is the very guy you need to dump right away. If you let him hang on, you prolong his hopes. Yes, if he has hope he is less likely to hurt himself, but he will want the hope forever. The longer you wait to dump him, the more “into you” he becomes. As he grows more “into you” he grows more obsessed and more likely to hurt himself. If you think he is already at that sorry stage, you still must dump him because, believe it or not, he can get worse.
The decision to make is not whether you dump him but how you dump him. You must be clear that you don’t want to continue the relationship any further. Give him compliments. For instance, tell him you really really liked (past tense!) him, just as you stated here. Then tell him that as much as you did like him, you have decided that romance is not right for you now, and that you want to move on in your life to other things. Don’t tell him he is boring or that he keeps you from doing other things. Be firm – no compromise – and get it done.
Wizard
May 15, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 5 years. When we first started going out I used to chat with guys on the internet and he used to look up porn. He told me he didn’t like it when I chatted online with other guys and I told him I didn’t like it when he looked up porn. So we made a deal. I gave up chatting online and he gave up looking at porn, so I thought.
A couple of years ago I found it on his computer. So I started talking to guys online again. He was even on dating sites. We broke up for a few months and he promised me again he would not do it anymore. I went back with him and I ended up getting pregnant. Now I have a daughter with him.
About a month ago I found more stuff, 3 big boxes of porn magazines and movies. It really hurts me when he looks at it. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. He knows how I feel about it and it puts a strain on our relationship. If he only did it once in a while it wouldn't bother me. Why does he need boxes and boxes of it and then look more of it up on the internet? Should I break up with him? It seems like he doesn't care if it hurts me or not.
ANSWER: He is the father of your child, so it is important to keep your relationship with him at least as co-parents. Your child needs both of you cooperatively providing the nurture, care, and advice she needs growing up. That means time together and lots of time spent by each of you, together and separately, with the child.
His possession of porn does not mean you are not good enough. You are more than good enough, and that you know by virtue of being his child’s mother.
Do not draw a straight line connecting his looking at porn with your quality as a person. His need to look at porn can have dozens of causes completely unconnected with you as a person (including what people do: like filling the shoes of a good companion, lover, and mother.)
His inability to “shut it off” is a sign of his own inadequacies – deeper than a review at a site like this can offer, but deriving from him and not from you. If his need is overwhelming and consuming, he might need some counseling, and he may be addicted. If he is not addicted, he can modify his behavior and re-focus his attention on you and his daughter. His daughter should be an exciting motivation to re-orient his priorities and actions, and he might still need some counseling to help him do that.
Nonetheless, keep him informed that you are interested in him if you want the romantic side of the relationship to continue. Take him out. Do something special now and then. Give him attractions to keep his attention. He may need nudges and tugs to pull him away from his misguided attraction to porn.
One would normally interpret the storage of old porn as a sign that he wants to return to it in the future. He may well think that is why he stores it. The more likely truth of this behavior is that he continues to buy magazines or videos to view new material instead of going to the “stored goods.” In doing this, he will only return to the “boxes” to put more into it, not to take it out and look at it. That is because the thrill of
“new” porn is better than the thrill of
“used” material. His brain stores the excitement and he stores the material as a utility to return to the excitement if he needs it, as when the source of porn dries up, or some other unlikely scenario.
All of this, if true, is a sign of addiction, not a sign of a concerted effort to fill gaps caused by your inadequacies. No, the inadequacies belong to him. What this means, if he is addicted, is that he cannot drop it because it makes you feel bad. Even if he wants to and promises to do it, he can’t, without some professional help. If you understand that his problem is not a reflection of you, when he fails to stop the porn, you will know it is because of his problem and not because he doesn’t like or want you.
Wizard
May 14, 2008
Question: Hi, there. It’s me again, "babies," May 7.
Well, since I wrote to you I thought about everything. We had a talk over the weekend. I asked him about the baby situation and he said he really likes me a lot and he didn’t mean I should fall pregnant right now. He’s planning his life right next to me and the reason why I don’t see him too often is because he has to work overtime. He also said he likes my personality and even if we only see each other for a little while now, he liked me long before that. I told him I want this relationship to work but it takes two to tango! He said he fully agrees and he asked me to just give him grace for working so much. He really sounds interested in me. And I did a background check on him (with people he went to school with and work colleges) and everyone told me the same thing. "He is a true gentleman, very honest, and that I cant go wrong with him." So do you think I should hold on to this one and let everything fall into place??
ANSWER: Work is often a legitimate reason for a guy or girl to cool off in dating. Unfortunately, the fast moving clock and our need for sleep and income force us to make choices, putting on hold some of the fun parts of life.
If he is honest about this, and nothing in your question shows him to be dishonest, waiting for him to do what he needs to do at work, so long as he will stay committed to dating you, is okay. Just be aware his interest can wane, or another girl can divert his attention, while you wait.
It sounds like he is looking for patience in you. If that is true, give him some. But if you are like most people your patience has a limit. Try to assess how much patience you have and keep in touch with him, so both of you will have similar expectations and know how well things are progressing. In this way you might avoid future disappointment and surprises.
Good luck!
Wizard
May 13, 2008
Question: I met my boyfriend 3 weeks ago through a friend of a friend. He was in a rehabilitation center. I really wanted to leave my home city and he was from the other side of the state. After a week of knowing him he offered for me to move in with him. 2 weeks into the relationship he says he loves me. We have only had sex one time. He never initiates affection. He does kiss me and says he loves me. He has a criminal record. He's on probation and he doesn’t have a job. So far I’m paying for everything. I am now in a city where I know no one but him. I want to go back home because I think he’s using me. I don’t know what to say to him. HELP!
ANSWER: It is usually a dangerous decision to move in with a guy you’ve known only one week – even if he has no criminal record and is the sweetest appearing guy you’ve ever met. You move in and suddenly your dirty laundry is in his basket! The toothpaste tube is left uncorked! Nylons hang in the shower! He leaves dirty pans in the sink! Spats, nitpicking, irritating habits, all come to the surface. And getting out, once you find that to be necessary, is not a simple walk out the door – usually. In this case it is.
Living together is not dating. It is a hugely different game to play.
Any way, you moved in at his invitation and you end up paying for it. Whew, well that works for him.
You are not in the middle of a deep relationship. He said he loves you and you are living together, but you’ve only known him for three weeks. Be assured, the relationship is in an infant stage. You’ve dressed it up adult clothes. That’s all.
Act on the problem as an infant stage relationship. Leave a note for him stating that you made a mistake, that you feel uncomfortable living in a city where you know no one, and that you are sorry but you must end the relationship. Walk out the door, shut it, and don’t go back. Go home to the city where you are comfortable and be with people you know.
We don’t know what his crimes were. If they involved personal violence, be sure your note says you don’t want him to contact you. It can say it any way, but be sure it does if he has a history of hurting someone. If he does contact you, let the police know about your situation. If his crimes do not involve personal violence and he contacts you, be firm about the end of the relationship and do not accept invitations for more dates or meetings. If he persists, call the police.
Wizard
May 13, 2008
Question: I am seeing a married man who wants a divorce but can't because he is terminal with cancer. I am always on the last burner, but I have never been so in love. I think about him all the time. It has been 6 months we have been together, but don't see each other very often. Should I wait to see how his treatments end up and stay with him if he ends up having more time to his life??
ANSWER: A relationship with a married man, most of the time, is a dead-end relationship. This one is a dead-end relationship for two reasons instead of one.
Turn the relationship into a friendship. Give him your emotional support. As much as you feel you love him, adjust and find another guy to love (in a romantic way).
Wizard
May 11, 2008
Question: My friend got me and my boyfriend together about two weeks ago. And I don't really like him, but I might not get another boyfriend again. I don't want to hurt him.
ANSWER: Don’t date a boyfriend who you really don’t like just to have a boyfriend. If you meant, by saying you “don’t really like him,” that you don’t feel romantically involved, but you enjoy his company, stay friends with him. Don’t lead him on being a girlfriend when you really don’t like him. If you do, that is the way you will hurt him.
Misleading him just so you have a boyfriend is selfish and uncaring.
Wizard
May 9, 2008
Question: Dear Mr. Wizard, Love your column and advice! Can you maybe tell me why a guy who dumps you, then says he wants you back, then says that he is there for you if you need him, but if you need him pushes you away while telling you he still loves you but you should find someone else, and then says he still has hopes of you getting back together, does that?
ANSWER: Ah, the complexities of life. A guy who does all that is confused. The source of his confusion could be many different things, any of them alone, even all of them together all at once. No one can know from your question.
Be assured, though, he is confused. You cannot trust his expressions of caring or concern.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I've been dating and having sex with this guy who seems to have a girlfriend. He's a total jerk but I still like and love him beyond all those flaws he has. By the way, he didn't seriously court me, and when we're together he's so not a gentleman. Should I dump him or not? Or should I hope that someday he'd be serious with me since lately he's been saying the magic words, "I love you".
ANSWER: You want him to be serious with you – and now he is saying the magic words. Is he serious when he says them?
If not, he likes the sex and not much else.
Be careful.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I'm wife #4 and we've been together 20 years. During that time, he's had 16 different jobs and we've lost two different homes due to debt. He's constantly been a slob and has crap piled up to the ceiling all over the house which he promises to clean up, but never does. He has no ambition, is rude to strangers, is disliked by all my friends, my family, his family, and most of his co-workers. Admittedly, he is faithful to me, but that's not saying much since he has little interest in sex and only wants to have relations once every 3 or 4 weeks. We did 6 months of marriage counseling, during which he talked endlessly about his problems, his lack of friends, and his crummy job. What he never brought up was us or anything to do with our marriage. He would answer the counselor’s questions but somehow manage to turn the focus of the discussion back to his sad life and how unfair he is treated by the world. In the end, nothing got resolved in counseling.
My big question is this, should I dump him? I'm 50 and scared to death of starting again. Is it too late for me to take control of my life and get out of this wreck of a marriage?
ANSWER: No children living with you, your decision can rest on the quality of your life today versus the quality of your life in two or three years post divorce. The quality of your life depends, necessarily, on the quality of your relationship with your husband, your mental and physical health, and your economic security.
You’ve been married for twenty years and you are 50 years old. That means you have spent nearly half of your mature, adult life with him.
If you have a profession, or the means to earn a comfortable living without him, taking into account whatever assets in the marriage that you will be able to keep, your economic security may be okay. At 50 you can live a life (!) and enjoy a productive future. The life expectancy of women today, if you are in good health, puts you well up over 80. You can devote twenty years to an occupation and that should set you up okay.
If you have a good outlook on life, unlike your husband, you can grow a new garden. Life is full of revitalization and renewal. Yes, even at 50, the world offers a basketful of fun activities and future success. You can even meet another companion.
Given the optimistic prognosis for you in economic security, health, and future prospects, you should seriously consider a new life without your husband, if indeed he has become the despondent, unloving, miserable character you describe.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: Hi, I met this guy in Santa Fe and I have really fallen for him. I think he likes me too because of the way he acted, but now that I’m back home in Paris, Texas he tells me that he can’t sit back and wait until we see each other again. I really want to be with him even if it means I should start a new life there. Do you think he, it’s worth it??
ANSWER: Only you can know that. And if you didn’t spend much time with him in Santa Fe, not even you can know for sure. You can only find out for sure by going back to him, and the risks are high. Most people in your situation would think the risks are too high. But you must make your own decision, based on your own circumstances, instincts, needs, and ability to take care of yourself if it fails.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I’m so confused now. I like this guy, as in really like him. I think I had fallen boots and all for him. He said he also likes me a lot. In fact, he thinks he loves me. But the problem is he never makes time for me. We have been phoning each other for like 2 weeks and we are now an "item." I don’t know if he is serious or what because my opinion is that he should at least make time to see me. What can I do? We want to have babies in the future but the fact that he "ignores" me so makes me sick.
ANSWER: Wait a minute, BABIES? Your question asks, if you like him, and he likes (or loves you), and you’ve been phoning each other for like two weeks, so much so that you have become an “item,” why isn’t he making more time to see you? You thought he was serious, but now you aren’t so sure. Then you close with “we want to have babies in the future,” but the fact that he ignores you makes you sick.
Did you tell him you want babies with him? If he brought it up, you should worry. If you brought it up, he should worry. Babies should not be a topic of discussion when you start a relationship. If you want to scare a guy off, just say “I want babies.”
Wizard
May 5, 2008
Question: He’s a sweet guy and doesn’t deserve it but I don’t feel it anymore, and he’s getting annoying. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you’ve lost interest in your boyfriend, it is a time for a dump. Whether he deserves a dump is a different issue. Justice, or the question of whether someone deserves a dump, is never the important issue when deciding whether to dump. A guy often deserves a dump, but you should never wait for when he deserves it. When your interest in him has waned or diminished, it is time for a dump – regardless of how much it is or is not deserved.
Wizard
April 30, 2008
Question: I only have been going out with this guy for a day and I don't like him. I know I should dump him. Any ideas on how to make it a little easier?
ANSWER: Lots of ideas. Make it easiest by doing it. As you delay and wonder, you increase your own anxiety about how to do it. The best way to learn how is by doing it. You do it better with practice. It is also more polite and respectful to tell the guy you are no longer interested in dating with him because he will know about it and not wonder why he hasn’t heard from you. By telling him, you also have the opportunity to compliment him by telling him that you like him and enjoyed your date with him, though you don’t want anything romantic right now. In this way he gets a plum to make him feel better, he keeps his dignity and self-respect, and he goes on to another girl without wondering what he did wrong or that something was wrong with him. If you think he was too over-weight, or his hair was too thin, or he talked too much, don’t tell him. Leave him saying only positive things. If he gets a boost from you, he will feel more able to find another girl, and you will feel good about it.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: Hello, I'm gay and I have a boyfriend. But when we talk he does not talk much. But when I leave he texts me like CRAZY. He is very annoying and I broke his heart once. I don’t want to do it again, but I have lost all interest in him. Help me please.
ANSWER: If you keep the relationship going while you have lost your interest in him, you will only increase the hurt and resulting damage. You must resolve, yes, to break his heart again. But do it and do it now, so you lessen the pain. If you mislead him further, he will be hurt even more.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: This guy had a lot on his mind, but still wanted to have sex with me. Once he was done, he asked me, "Is it rude to leave now?" I knew he wanted to leave to attend to what was on his mind, and because he was done with me. What should I have said?
ANSWER: “That depends on when you come back, and what you are like when you get here.” And, how important your response is, depends on how fair you are to yourself. For instance, how long have you known him, what is your relationship with him, and do you want or need to see him again?
Be careful. Don’t degrade or de-humanize yourself.
Wizard
April 29, 2008
Question: I wrote you on April 16th. I’m the one in the "thing" with the guy for 8 months that’s gone nowhere. You said if he hasn’t had me over to his house then he is probably hiding something.
A couple of Saturdays ago he started texting and calling me. He called throughout the day and night continually asking what my plans were. I got excited because I thought he was going to finally ask me over, but he never did. I ended up telling him I had plans at 8:00pm. We texted every minute until 11:00 pm until he sent a sexual text. I told him I was reserving sex talk for the real thing. He said fine and bye. One hour later my friend drove by his house and a car was there. The car stayed the night. The girl that owns the car has been to the house a couple of times by his own admittance. I also saw them in a parking lot and it didn’t appear they were "together"; she seemed awkward and walking behind him. They were in separate cars (same on that stayed over). He told me about this dinner without me even asking. He says it’s a friend from growing up, that he’s not attracted to her, her personality is somewhat annoying, and they just hang out when he gets bored. I couldn't tell him my friend is flipping a house on his street and saw the car there overnight. I did tell him I thought he was seeing someone because of him not having me over and his rude goodbye that Saturday, and I suspected that's why he got off the phone because someone was there or came over later. He denied it.
I said we aren’t dating and given his new house and he’s single I would expect him to have fun. I just didnt want to be lied to about it. He’s still sticking to the story and is adamant this girl is just a friend. He said that’s all the explanation I should need because that was the true story. I didn’t push it because I didn’t want him to think it was that big of a deal. He doesn’t know I know about the car or I that I saw them after dinner.
I am NOT dating this guy, but talk to him more than anyone, even my best friends. I feel cheated because even if the girl has only been there 3 or 4 times this month, she is getting together time with him, I am not. I explained this to him. That talking on the phone for hours at a time and texting all day and night was not doing it for me!
My girlfriends tell me he is just trying to figure out when the right time is to advance our relationship given his control issues and our work relationship. I am beginning to think that’s wrong because I think any guy would have at least tried to sleep with me after all these months, especially knowing my divorce was final a month ago.
Maybe it's because I’m 10 years older (29/39) and successful, but he is successful too. I have no kids and look really great, still model on the side, and look much younger. People are shocked when I tell them my age. Every time I try to avoid his calls he always finds his way back to me. We talk or text almost everyday for hours at a time. My friends say just have fun because he is really hot and I should enjoy talking to him, but I get very wrapped up and can’t even look at other 27-32 year old guys (I say this because my age isn’t an issue for any of them) that like me because I want him SO bad.
He initiates all the calls and I play the "rules." If the girl is a real girlfriend, then he can’t be into her given his verbal time with me, especially the sex talk. I don’t know how he'd have the time! I just don’t know why he lied about the overnighter. Note: she wasn’t there at all last weekend. I haven’t asked him his address, nor asked to cook him dinner. I’m scared of the denial, don’t want to rush him, or scare him away.
My guy friends say he’s a total nut for not advancing this when he knows I am attracted to him. I just don’t know how to get over something I want so bad!! I want him more than anything! It doesn’t even have to be serious. I just want to hang out and have fun. Obviously he is attracted to me and I don’t find many people I am attracted to and NO one with this kind of chemistry ever. What do I do now??? PS - Thanks for the advice.
ANSWER: He’s good at telephone calls and texting. He balks at personal contact. Your guy friends are thinking like guys – why in heaven would a guy be so neglectful of a “come on” from a woman like you? It is a mystery.
You say you are afraid of a denial, don’t want to rush him, or scare him away. Denial? He has been aggressively telephoning and texting you for hours at a time. Rush him? You’ve been trying to get him to get over his “verbal time with me” for a long time. Of course you want to rush him. Scare him? What could he be scared about? Do you look like the swamp thing?
This is turning into a weirdness that reflects on you if you don’t put it to a proper test.
If you want to make it less scary for him, and less of a “rush,” and less likely for him to say “no,” ask him out on a public, non-sexual date. Go to an afternoon event of some kind. Start with short and simple dating.
Maybe that is what he wants – short, pleasant, sexually inconsequential dates for a while. Maybe he feels threatened. Start some personal contact dating as if you were twenty years younger and inexperienced, shy, not interested in the sexual aspects of dating. That might be your open door to a fun relationship with the real guy (not the telephone voice or the texting mojo).
Wizard
April 28, 2008
Question: Heya! So I have been dating this really hot guy for the past month but suddenly everything besides me comes first in his life. And when we are together he doesn’t talk much. He just wants to have sex. He even asked me if I wanted to **** **** *** and video tape it!
I don’t know if I should dump him, and I have tried, but he doesn’t answer his phone and he’s too busy to see me. Should I dump him and how?
ANSWER: He doesn’t appreciate the value of your many qualities that have little to do with sex. A guy who focuses only on sex as the most important quality of a girl makes a bad date for a long-term relationship.
Your involvement was only about a month and your question reveals no love lost. He doesn’t answer his phone and he’s too busy to see you. The simplest way to dump him is to drop him out of your life. No need to talk to him – he already doesn’t talk to you.
Wizard
April 25, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard. Thank you so much for your valuable time and deep wisdom. I need your help.
My boyfriend dumped me over a little fight (we didn't even raise our voices to each other). The next day onward he wanted me back. He insists that the only way our relationship would work is if I were to love him completely and we were 100% committed to each other. I agree that complete commitment is good, but it would take some time for me to regain my sense of trust. Just as I was convinced to get back with him, he started pointing out the reasons I should not come back. This has become a repeated pattern.
He claims that his love for me is unconditional and he wants me to be happy and to be loved if I'm not going to come back to him.
The last time I told him that I wanted to come back to him, instead of being happy about it, he told me that I should consider meeting other men if I'm not coming back. I felt confused, I was saying that I wanted to come back. I felt he was trying to manipulate me, but not sure why. I was so frustrated. I don't know what he really wants.
I haven't seen him in about a month, and the longest I've been able to get myself to not talk with him on the phone is three days.
He tells me that he loves me and isn't interested in anyone else. I still feel hurt over how he dumped me and how he doesn't romance me like he used to. I would think that if he really wanted me back, he'd do the things he did to win me over in the first place, but he is indifferent when I try to tell him how I feel about that and other things.
I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings. He doesn't respond when I clearly tell him how I feel about things, or why I've been ambivalent over the idea of getting back together with him. I have pointed out that he has been ambivalent too in the way he pressures me to come back and then discourages me as soon as I say I will. To that, he simply says that he's trying to "comfort" me. I have to think . . . what? . . . huh?
He doesn't validate what I'm trying to say, and if he does respond, it's only in a defensive way that avoids the subject. I do try to be direct without being bitchy. I want to be understood. I try to understand him. But I get frustrated with his indifferent stance, and then I do get angry and end the conversation and hang up.
I feel like there are deeper problems that I can't work out with him and I'm tired of all this hurt and confusion.
He keeps calling, leaving sad messages, and after a few days of this, I soften and finally talk with him. Then he starts pressuring me again to come back to him, and around and around this craziness goes. I want off the merry-go-round and told him plainly that I'm not coming back.
He wants us to still talk, but our talks have become long, torturous sessions that leave me feeling drained and confused.
I want to be stronger and just move on, but I still have feelings for him and have a hard time getting past the loneliness I'm feeling during this time. PLEASE, can you help me understand: WHY DOES HE TREAT ME LIKE A YO-YO? and How do I move on?
ANSWER: 100% commitment is good – with the right guy. This guy is inconsistent and puzzling. The reason he is like this is probably confusion on his part about what he wants – and he passes it on to you so that you can feel like the one that is confused. It’s a subtle way of diffusing his own confusion.
If this is true, it is not a concerted effort with a great deal of thought. It is a passing pleasure for him to release a little anxiety and feel cool inside that he can test your mettle so easily.
A guy interested in you will not act indifferent when you try to tell him how you feel. A guy interested in you will dim the city lights to cozy up and hear your every word.
Your guy is not comforting you – he’s comforting himself. Why? It is not an easy answer. The reason might be too deep to explain on a web page advice site, but it should be of no consequence to you. You don’t need the hurt and the confusion.
His dump frees you to find a guy interested in you, and who is not interested in the gamesmanship of making you duck and dive every which way. Restrain yourself from talking with your former boyfriend. He dumped you. Stay dumped and be happy.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I am 29-year old woman dating a 24-year old male. He loves me very much as it appears that he would do anything, but, he is irresponsible, immature and would rather me pay for everything (I have my own money), even to purchase a bagel for 6 dollars. Keep in mind I will pay him back, but he gets very upset. I have a career. He moves furniture. I need to know if I should dump him because I do not want to waste my time. I was involved with someone for 8 years who left me. I don’t want to repeat that.
ANSWER: Without knowledge and experience with the guy you date, the chance of losing the guy is at least 50% right away. As time goes by, two things clash like continents molding a new planet. One: as you know the guy better and the relationship goes along in a good pace and everyone is happy, it seems the chance of him leaving you is reduced. Two: as time goes by, the chance that he leaves you increases because if he is not the right guy for you, it won’t last, and it will be over sooner – not later – because a longer relationship with the wrong guy will end sooner, not later.
So, given the natural order of the dating world, though you do not want it to be repeated, it will repeat over and over again until you meet the guy who you think is right for you and who agrees and wants you. Don’t get too excited. He’ll probably not work for you. You are already saying he’s irresponsible, immature, and can’t handle a career woman. Well, maybe he can, and you’re missing something. If you’re sure, then dump him and move on to an older guy, unless you want to hang on to his guy for a little while because he’s fun.
Anyway, you won’t waste your time if you want to have fun. If you want to find a mate of lasting qualities, you need to get serious about who and what you date.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I finished with a lovely guy due to the long distance of around 200 miles. We were happy for 9 months. However, when we missed weekends together, I slowly drifted from him and we decided to leave it. We never argued and for two months we were both ok. I started dating a guy from my town who is great. However, the guy who I split from says he misses me and loves me and wants to buy me a house and make a life together. I really like the guy I am with, but part of me thinks maybe I made a mistake as I was really happy with my ex before??? I am lost.
ANSWER: Though one cannot determine how long you have dated the guy from your town, surely you are not married. You are not so bound to him that you can’t go back to the guy 200 miles away now and again.
As has been said in many answers, long distance is poison to most relationships. Yours might be an exception, though you should be suspicious about the promise of love, house, and life together. That is not the usual result of only nine months in a relationship. It could be a gentleman’s expression in good faith of hope and desire for a future with you, or it could just as easily be the maniacal cravings of a sore loser. There might be no harm in testing the waters, even if you must stretch that toe over 200 miles of earth, because you have fond memories of him.
Suggestion: Don’t go because of love, house, and life together. Go only because you aren’t sure whether you made a mistake. This is testing the waters with your toe, not diving in.
After testing, if your toe tells you the waters are inviting, don’t commit whole hog. Go, but with tentative plans of escape. Always keep that door behind you open so you can leave safely with huge sighs of relief. Shut that door only when you obtain a confident and happy state of love.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: My boyfriend will lie to me about anything. I feel like he is scared because I will get mad if he tells me the truth. I hate liars and he knows it, but still lies. We have been together 1 and a half years. Is it time to dump him?
ANSWER: You hate liars and your boyfriend is a liar. Whoa, that looks like a dumping necessity.
Wizard
April 24, 2008
Question: I want to dump my boyfriend but . . . I can’t! He’s all I LOVE YOU and is like OBSESSED and the things I used to smile about now piss me off [relationship wise]. I want to dump him, I think, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m positive I don’t love him anymore. HEELLLLPP MEE!
ANSWER: If you positively don’t love him anymore, then you positively must dump him. If you know that you must dump him, then all the questions that can arise are dashed and no problem. Your only problem is making it happen.
If you are on your way home and must cross a river to get there, and no bridge exists, you cannot fly over and you cannot walk around it. Simply put, you must step into the water and swim across if you want to get home. You have no other choice. The water might be cold, you might worry about your strength to swim, you might think about currents, snakes, and biting fish, but you will cross if you want to get home.
The dump is the same kind of situation. If you are in a dating relationship and want to end it, you must get out of it. There is no other alternative. You can worry about how he will feel, his anger, his hurt, his loneliness, his dashed hopes or expectations, and what his friends and family think. None of that helps you – because you must dump him if you want out of the relationship.
Note this wisdom: You are free – but only if you exercise your will to accomplish your goals. The energy to exercise your will exists within you, nowhere else. You must harness that energy and direct it now to accomplish your goal – or you are not free. Do not be a slave to circumstances you can control.
Check the answer to the question before you (April 23) for a way to do it (one “do” and three “don’ts”). If your relationship was long-term, it may require more finesse, but you learn best by doing it.
Wizard
April 23, 2008
Question: I’ve been on about 7 dates with this guy. I just don't feel like we click and he seems to really like me. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be with him. What should I do?
ANSWER: Be honest and straight with him. Tell him, “I like you but I don’t think we click enough to be dating. I hope you understand.” Don’t do it at the end of a date – then with justice he will feel cheated. Don’t date him again, because you don’t want to mislead or confuse him. Don’t tell him anything was wrong with him.
If you do the one “do” and avoid doing the three “don’ts” listed here, you should do just fine and so will he.
Wizard
April 21, 2008
Question: My boyfriend hooked up with this girl when we broke up for a month in October and he told me they "just kissed." I looked at his phone records in October and they talked for hours . . . even until November. November was when we got back together. From November until then they didn’t talk. I checked his phone bill. But then she went to France and he said, "I’m gonna miss your neck and your smilies." He said because she was so tall and she sent him smilies all the time. I was furious. Then when she was in France she sent him a facebook message saying, "miss you," but he didn’t send her the message back. This month was the first month she got back from Paris and there was a picture of a bunch of people on a couch and she was grabbing his leg with both of her hands. He says he loves me and for me to trust him.
Am I crazy or am I getting played? If they didn’t talk when we were together – but I saw the picture today of them. What do I do? Am I overacting? Please HELP ME.
ANSWER: He admits to his adventure with the other girl, but says he loves you and to trust him. He said he kissed her, and nothing in your question suggests sexual activity beyond kissing. If you have come to terms with his failing you during the break in your relationship, then you should accept the fact that they kissed, and take a short leap of faith and try to give him your trust.
His behaviour occurred during the time of a break in your relationship. You cannot expect purity from a guy who has split with his girlfriend. Now back together, he wants you to trust him. The wizard thinks you should extend to him your trust – not because he has earned it, but because in doing this you give him the opportunity to prove his worth to you, and thus earn it.
Wizard
April 20, 2008
Question: Well, he is a person with great dignity and everyone respects him. He is married and has a kid. He is happily married. He said one day that he loves me in spite of being married, and he would express his love in front of any women as his entire love. It was his wife who proposed to him. Then we got physically close and he wants more closeness. He said that I must wait for him and not marry anyone, as he cannot tolerate the feelings of separation from me. He contacts me when he is alone, not with his wife. When with family he never calls me and asks me not to call/sms him either. He does not speak out clearly about his intentions but says his wife and I have equal rights on him. No one knows our affair and he wants to keep it a secret.
ANSWER: He besmirches any dignity or respect he may have earned. He degrades the qualify of his love and commitment to his wife and child. He lies when he says he loves you and that you have equal rights to him with his wife. He cheats you and belittles you when he tells you to wait for him and not marry someone else.
Anything he says about the value to you of this relationship is pure horse manure, good only for the flies that follow his odor.
Dump him as swiftly as a quick hammer on a nail’s head.
Wizard
April 19, 2008
Question: Hi! Thanks for your web pages. As I read them once again, I once again collected myself and understood the freedom of choice and the miracle of compatible love.
ANSWER: Nicely put. The freedom to date only those one wants to date based only on one’s needs and likes, and the miracle that happens everywhere every day.
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: I can’t decide if I should break up with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and live together. We met when I was 20, and I was wild and not determined then. I am now graduating and starting a new degree and a new full-time job at the university, for which I have to drive an hour 5 days a week. He is working a full-time job that he hates and it pays nothing. He’s not in school right now, and he still has at least 2 years to graduate. We have talked about an engagement and marriage, but he has no money to do anything. I am so exhausted with school and work, and he acts like he has it bad, while I’m working twice as hard as he does. He is a good guy and I do love him, but we’re just on different paths now. Any ideas?
ANSWER: Your question is filled to the brim with doubt about engagement and marriage, and for several good reasons. Do not get engaged, yet, if at all.
Reasons for an immediate dump do not appear evident. You still love him and he is a good guy. Time has moved at a different pace for the two of you, and you look as if you are on different paths. Nonetheless, if you love him and he is a good guy, he might find a different job or go back to school. When he gets his life into sync with yours, and it will take a few years, you might find that an engagement is still a good idea. If your love for each other is genuine and of the lasting kind, you will get through these hurdles
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: I wrote you on April 15th about my boyfriend of 7 months and how he needs a break. I just wanted to thank you because out of everyone I asked you made the most sense and if you are right then it doesn’t really hurt so bad.
He told me that he didn’t really want me to see anybody else but that he couldn’t stop me, that it was my choice. He said that he didn’t know how long it was going to take. All of my friends are telling me that it is stupid to wait, that I deserve someone that can be there for me. I partly agree with them but at the same time I find myself putting up this front that I’m over it, but inside I’m still a mess. He is truly amazing and I would hate to loose him. I had started to picture a future with him because of how well things were going, I mean we were made for each other, at least that’s what he told me. We used to talk all the time, but I’m trying to give him his space like you said, so I didn’t try to talk to him at all yesterday. It is killing me!!!!!!!! But, if that is what he needs, then I respect and love him enough to do what he asks. I just wonder if this is hurting him as much as it is me.
Before any of this happened there was this guy that was trying to get me to go out with him. I told my boyfriend about this and it just became a joke. My boyfriend talked to this other guy and told him to stop hitting on me and he did. Now he has found out about our "break" and he is trying again. I don’t really like him but he is really sweet. He told me that my boyfriend was crazy and that he would have made time for me. He wants to hang out Monday, and in a way it would be good to get my mind off things, but at the same time it could backfire and cause my boyfriend not to even try to come back. So I’m stuck. I know that if he did still care, like he said he does, it would make him really upset to see me spending time with this guy. He says he’s not the jealous type, but I know otherwise. I mean, I can’t just put my life on hold because he needs a break, can I??????? Or is that what I’m supposed to do????
Should I listen to my friends advice and move on or should I follow what’s left of my heart and wait?????? I guess I’m just still really confused and your other advice made the most sense out of what everyone else told me, so I thought that maybe you would be able to point me in the right direction. Please, give me some idea about what I am supposed to do.
ANSWER: Your boyfriend is doing what he is doing with his eyes wide open. He will know about the other guy, but he will also know that he told you he needed a break. A break is what it means – a period of time when he does not date you (and a lot of other things happen, but of no concern to you right now).
If what you have in your heart is genuine, and it appears to be so, dating the other guy will not cause your heart to forget. When your boyfriend is ready, and if he remains interested in you, he will let you know, and you can make up your mind then whether you will return to him.
The answer: Your friends are right. You should not put your life on hold because your boyfriend takes a break.
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: Hello! Need advice. How to dump a guy you are not involved with. I know it sounds funny, but I am in a difficult situation. We are not friends, but he keeps interfering my in life and work (we are at the same work place) by telling not-so-true stories to our colleagues, and mocks me any way he indirectly can, himself or more usually with the help of his friends. He is very old fashioned and seems to think that a woman’s place is only at home with kids. He is not romantically interested as far as I can see and has a happy family for himself.
ANSWER: You can make an effort to resolve this in two ways. If one fails, the other might still succeed. One is to deal with this problem at work where it happens, the other is to deal with it privately out of the workplace. Decide which is more comfortable for you based on the details you know about your employment and the people involved, then proceed.
If you decide to confront the problem at work, don’t get into a row with him. Avoid him whenever possible. Talk in business tones and comport your behavior with what is required there. When he tells a lie again, tell him factually that you resent his lies and will report the lie-telling to your supervisor. You should not work in a place where another employee makes you uncomfortable spreading lies about you. Your supervisor should be informed and should be ready to address it. Obviously, this will not succeed if your supervisor is incompetent or blind to the problem, or if you don’t have a supervisor. Some workplaces provide mediation services to help resolve inter-employee personal issues.
If you decide to confront the problem privately, speak to the guy away from the workplace, or during a break away from fellow employees, if possible. Tell him up front how hurt you feel. Tell him that if it continues you can’t stay at work and will look for work elsewhere. A possibility exists that he’s ignorant of how badly he has affected you. The direct, eye-to-eye approach, steering clear of an argument at work, might do the trick. If it does, then he’s not such a bad guy, just a misguided old bloke.
If neither of these options succeed, how do you deal with an old snot? You take your finger, put it up your nose, then pick it and flick it. Remember to flick it where it will get cleaned up with the rest of the dirt or succumb to the weather and rot.
If you must leave the job to get rid of him, that is like cutting off your nose to loosen the snot. That is more than unfair – it’s ridiculous. So, don’t leave voluntarily.
If you tried the two methods above without success, well, go to it, girl. Stand up and tell him what you think of him, right in his face, in front of everybody. You deserve respect. If he won’t give it to you, take it. If your fellow employees and the people who hired you don’t proudly stand up with you, you’re in the wrong workplace! Stand up for your personhood! Make them stand up with you or fire you, and leave proud. You are not a woman willing to kowtow to a snot.
James Cagney, in a 1948 film called “The Time of Your Life,” said it well, “Living is an art; it’s not book-keeping.”
Wizard
April 18, 2008
Question: Should I dump my fiance and the father of my daughter? I still love him but we fight all the time.
ANSWER: You must stay closely involved with him as father of your child, but nothing justifies a continuing fight. If the two of you cannot determine the cause of the fighting and stop it, your life will be happier without the marriage.
You can shut the door on marriage if you must, but you cannot shut the door on fatherhood. He’s already entered the room.
Wizard
April 16, 2008
Question: I have had "it" for a guy for 8 months. I was separated when we met and now divorced. He has known for 3 weeks I am "official" but knows I lived alone for a year before the divorce. I have no kids. We work at the same corporation, different buildings. I’m in a high profile spot, he’s not. He’s ten years younger but is mature, has his own house, and is very intelligent.
We started with heavy flirting, chemistry, one lunch, visits to his office, texting, then texting got very sexual, now there are two to three hour phone conversations (new since divorce). He is somewhat verbally controlling and sex talk is also aggressive. He says work is an issue, but wants to have me over to his new house.
Hasn’t happened yet. He's afraid people will talk and he is very private. Both of our fathers WERE very successful in our corporation.
All I want is to have fun and have told him so. I find myself really wrapped up and waiting for his call. I’m obsessed analyzing his next move. He will go two days and not call. I feel sad when I don’t hear from him. Then he's hot and heavy on the weekends or days straight. The conversation or text always turns to sex. He is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, but the sex talk is now boring because I am ready for the next step. When I asked if he'd like to go out, he said he'd think about it. This wasn’t rude, just matter of fact. That was a week or two ago. I told him I'd only ask once. He says he likes aggressive women because he's not and I even went to his office and made a sexual comment to him yesterday. This was private and appropriate given our time talking and he seemed to like it. There is NOTHING in policy that says we cannot see each other because I’m not his boss. I&rsqu | 
