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May 25, 2010
Question: Hello. I have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. This is since I was fourteen. I am eighteen now. I am heading off to university at the end of the summer, so I thought it was always inevitable that we would break up. This thought terrifies me. My boyfriend doesn't think this, however. He is my best friend. I can't imagine myself without him. Last night, though, I cheated on him. I feel terrible. I have started to feel like I am missing out, having had a long-term boyfriend at such a young age. I do love him so much, but I don't think I want to spend my life with him. I am thinking that I deserve the pain of breaking up with him now, because of what I did. What should I do?
ANSWER: Keep your confidence, your independence, and an optimistic vision of your future.
You and your boyfriend shared a beautiful thing – three and a half years of a close relationship during ages 14 to 18. These are important years in your life and you and he together have rewarded each other with a memory of importance and meaning.
Your current feelings are conflicting with each other. You feel that you are missing out and at the same time you feel that you deserve the pain of breaking up. He was (or sometimes is) someone you could not imagine being without. Now you are heading off to university alone without him. Though you enter a new set of circumstances, a new and more mature life, the memory of your boyfriend will not leave you.
However, as time moves on, you will think of him less and less, but not because he is not important, or that your experiences with him become less important. Rather, your needs and knowledge will change. You will see adventures differently, and as you date other guys you will discover new challenges and new rewards. Not only will your experiences change – the way you look at what surrounds you and the way you think about what happens will change. Eventually, you will understand that what was a good thing for you between 14 and 18 is not the right thing for you now.
What should you do? Move on in your life as you have planned. You will have new relationships that will fill your life with just as much, and probably more meaning. New vistas await you in your future. Explore and enjoy.
Wiz
May 10, 2010
Question: I should have dumped this guy a while ago. Just wanted your input on something.
Met a guy on match.com. He was separated. We clicked. He came on pretty strong - professing emotions fairly quickly. He's Hispanic. I chalked it up to the culture. It's been 4 months. He did waver between going back to the wife if she wanted him to. We stopped having contact. Decided no because he couldn't trust her. Told his lawyer to file for divorce.
We didn't see each other a lot. I met him for one night when he was out of town not too long ago. I think the wife found out, which worried him.
One evening I sent a slightly risque email to his work (which we decided to stick to using). I'd say it was R rated, just how attracted I was to him and what I'd like to do - but not too many details.
The next day I get an email telling me he doesn't want to hear from me again - not to email or call him again. He calls me, to see if I read his email about not contacting him again, and told me he was looking for a lady, and didn't think I was one since I sent that email. Said he always tried to be a gentleman. Yeah right, second date he's pressuring me to have sex.
Anyway, why would an email like this, between two people who have been intimate, have upset him so much?
I'm kind of thinking he's doing it for the benefit of the wife, maybe to make her think that I'm pursuing him, that we were just friends.
ANSWER: Your explanation is as good as any. Anyway, don’t feel too bad. He has problems. If you spend more time with him, many of his problems become yours too.
Wiz
May 5, 2010
Question: I've met this boy at a party in December. We have a relationship without a title. The reason is because he was talking to a girl in another state before we started talking. He is really jealous of me talking to anyone that likes me. And I can't go certain places because we will have an argument. But he told me that he wants to be with the other girl. Though on the other hand he doesn't want me to go with another guy. What should I do? Thank you in advance.
ANSWER: He should not have it both ways. He can’t want to have a relationship with you and with someone else at that same time, and then impose upon you an expectation that you will see only him. If you don’t want him to be with the other girl, dump him if he doesn’t change his tune. If you find yourself getting into arguments with him, he is not a good choice for you. Dump him.
Dating relationships are supposed to be fun and not a cause for arguments or worry.
Wiz
May 2, 2010
Question: How do you find the will power to not go on his facebook profile, to not think about him and automatically get sad, to not ask people about him or casually mention him just so you can talk to him? How do you stop missing him?
ANSWER: The first step is to realize that you idolize him. What that means is that you have a picture in your head of a great guy who mesmerizes you. If you knew him well enough to know his faults, you would no longer be mesmerized. You are tricking yourself into an unnecessary angst caused by missing someone who is more of your own creation than what is real. He has faults – you just don’t know what they are – that would, if you knew them, cause you to lose your ideal image of him.
The next thing to do is to find another guy to date or go out with friends. Be social with other people. This will help distract you. Remember, also, that if you find yourself comparing other people with him, you are comparing people you see and hear with an idolized image – not the real guy. This is unfair to the people you compare your “image” to, and it is especially unfair to you, because you are deceiving yourself into thinking you could be in a better place emotionally if you were with him (the unreal image) and not the people you compare him to.
Wiz
April 30, 2010
Question: We have knew each other 4 years, lived together 3 years. Helped him through a very rough time, more bad days than good, and I know if he found someone he thought would replace me he would. But all is good now and I am not happy. I don't want or have another guy. I just want my space. He recently started ANOTHER new job and is living with me at my parents’ house. (On the parents’ house, note my landlord got foreclosed on and I had to move quickly, a temporary situation.) I know this will be a bad break but I am going insane trying to think of a way to do it.
ANSWER: If he has a new job, maybe he can now afford his own apartment. A single guy can get by with something small.
Exercise some freedom and independence. Find a place where you can move out of your parents’ home without him and do it. Your parents won’t let him stay there if you aren’t with him any longer.
If you talk to him, have your “dump” conversation outside of your parents’ home. Save them the trouble of hearing it.
Good luck.
Wiz
April 30, 2010
Question: Please help me out. There’s this guy on campus who has been cheating on me nonstop. I just need the harshest words to dump him. I want him to feel the pain, the pain that I am going through. I want it to hurt 10 times more than it is on me.
ANSWER: Most of the pain you feel is caused by rejection. It will be difficult for you to “pay him back” with rejection, as he has already rejected you. Your best come-back is rejection. Don't go out with him any more.
Vengeance is a bad motive. When one inflicts pain out of vengeance, one inflames the source of the original pain-causing act, and hence ignites a cycle of vengeance. The pain hurts more and lasts longer, and the recriminations can redouble into a crescendo of violence and unnecessary suffering.
The best thing for you is to move on to another relationship, hopefully with a guy who will value and respect you. As for the guy who cheated on you, be happy that he is out of your life so he can’t cheat on you any more.
Wiz
April 26, 2010
Question: This guy asked me out at Easter time and I was really shocked cause I didn’t like him at all and then we went on a few dates and it was lovely. I really had a good time and I thought I really liked him. But now i find it awkward (for me not for him) because I am not attracted to him at all and I find his mannerisms strange and annoying for like no reason and I just don't want to go out with him anymore. It’s a shame because he is a really sweet and honest guy but I just don't like him anymore. I just want to be friends. I think it was the adrenaline and novelty of having a boyfriend that propelled me along, but now I just want to be single again. Is that wrong? How should I tell him it is over? :( He really loves me too. Please help me!!
ANSWER: No, it is not wrong. You must trust your instincts, feelings, and judgment. If you are uncomfortable, even if you cannot articulate the reason, the fact that you are uncomfortable is absolutely and unqualifiedly enough of a reason. A good reason.
Say to him that you really had a good time with him when you went out with him, but that you aren’t ready for a relationship now, and that you hope he understands. Tell him he is a really sweet and honest guy, but you really don’t feel comfortable dating right now. Tell him you want him to respect your decision.
In this way you give him complimentary feedback so he doesn’t feel he is at fault for something, and you make it clear to him you don’t want to date and he must respect your decision, so he hopefully will not hassle you later. If he loved you, he will get over it. You didn’t date him long enough for this to be troublesome.
Wiz
April 15, 2010
The Wiz apologizes for the length of time that no questions have been answered. See News and Commentary for explanation.
April 9, 2010
Question: Hi, I have been dating this guy for 7 months. We get on well together and he comes round every weekend. However he has still not given me his home phone number as (he says) his (35 year old) daughter lives with him and is protective of her mother who (allegedly) lives in Poland and doesn’t like him seeing women. I have been to his house once. He says his daughter works as a pa and sometimes works from home. He also says he is getting a divorce and that his last girlfriend of 5 years never met his daughter. What do you think? I think it is all a load of ****ocks?
ANSWER: Yep. So does the Wiz.
Wiz
April 1, 2010
Question: So I've had a few flings over the past couple of months and all, and he's on my mind less and less. In fact, if I happen to encounter his name, I don't feel that different. But that's in public. When I do think of him, it's just like this strong feeling I get. I can't even explain it, like the memories of my feelings for him are so strong or something. Which is weird, because it's not like I was in love with him or anything. It's just that he was the most special relationship I've ever had with a guy and it wasn't even an official relationship. I feel like since I'm a romantic person (on the inside) who dreams a lot, I'm making this situation with him a lot more dramatic than it could be? I mean, I lost one of my most special friends and I don't even understand how. Of course that's going to hurt. But all the guys who are giving me attention now, they don't seem to measure up. I feel like I can't fully get over him because I can't be interested in a new guy because no other guy feels right. I started liking this one guy, but my feelings were like on and off, because he just doesn't have everything I want. I mean he was so much like me, and since my personality is very diverse, I guess it seemed like he could be everything and never just the same person and that's what I needed. I'm sick of feeling like he was the best thing that ever happened to me, especially since I'm probably exaggerating in my mind and this feeling is getting old. I want a fresh start, and new beginning, and complete independence.
ANSWER: If he is still around, like someone you see socially off and on again, try to strike up a new relationship. You probably are experiencing some unresolved angst over losing him. If he is no longer in your life and cannot be approached, you will need to find your independence and a fresh start. A new guy who draws your interest will help, but you cannot count on that happening if you always compare the new guy with the one you lost. If you don’t find a new guy, keep working on finding something else to focus on – like art, music, dance, or some other interest. Once you come across another guy, try immersing yourself into the new relationship, and see if that doesn’t give you a sense of release from the memories that haunt you.
Wiz
March 31, 2010
Question: I met a guy online and we started emailing each other. I liked him and he liked me. But then I stopped loving him, stopped emailing him, and stopped acknowledging his existence, but he never got the hint. Eventually he found my myspace and never leaves me the Hell alone! How do I get rid of this guy?!
ANSWER: Completely and always ignore him. He will eventually get tired of the pursuit and find another girl. Do not respond at any time or in any way. His interest will peter out.
Wiz
March 27, 2010
Question: I recently started talking to a guy. We’re not dating yet but its 99% sure its going to happen. At first I was on board for dating him, but now I am having second thoughts. I realized that we are way too different from each other and he’s really not my type of guy. I haven’t told him anything about how I feel and I don’t know how to break it to him. He REALLY likes me and he wants something that will last really long. He’s even talking about going to college together and I am barely a junior in high school. I don’t want something real serious like he does. I’ve decided I DON’T want to date him but I don’t know how to tell him nicely. If I don’t find a way to tell him then I’ll just come with a lame excuse because I know if we date then break up down the road it will hurt him more. Help??
ANSWER: You are one hundred percent right to let him know at the beginning so he doesn’t get too invested in the relationship. He is way out there in space to suggest at the beginning of a relationship that you will go to college together. It shows he likes you, but you will find that he will disappoint you eventually and it will become a flop.
Tell him “Thanks for the idea. It was really nice. But I’m not interested in any dating right now.” Keep it short and simple. If he is mature enough to understand how dating works, he will leave you alone after you tell him in this manner. If he doesn’t leave you alone, he is immaturely letting his disappointment cause him to disrespect you and your decision. If you need to, tell him directly that he must respect your decision.
Wiz
March 26, 2010
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now and we are both in high school still and only juniors. He and I are really serious and both love each other very much and talk about marriage being in our future. He has all the qualities I want in a husband and hope that he will be my husband in the future. My parents were high school sweethearts and eventually got a divorce years after college. The advice I always get from them and other family members and friends, though, is to not get too serious about a high school boyfriend. Their advice makes me worried that he will go off to college and meet someone new and I will end up being hurt or vice versa. I don't want to end up like my parents though and stay together and miss out on other partners and eventually get divorced.
Should I end it now and not get tied down or continue to be with him even though I could miss out?
ANSWER: The answer is to continue to date your boyfriend but with your eyes open. Yes, he might fall in love with another woman. So might you. If either or both of you go to college and consequently live far apart, the odds are good that you will find someone else and your relationship will end, though it might not. Do not be fatalistic and believe that it inevitably ends if you don’t get married now. The Wiz agrees with those who advise you to avoid getting so tied up with your boyfriend that you lose all the opportunities that may arise in your immediate future, but disagrees with those who suggest you must dump him.
You can do this simply if you remember that life presents many surprises. Just cool down and look at this from a distance. If you and your boyfriend love each other and want to continue in your relationship, you can do it, and should do it – but without committing to each other for a lifetime. See what happens. If you live far apart because of college or for any other reason, that will be a serious test of the strength and durability of your relationship. If you really are right for each other, you will still be dating and happy together when you can get married and live together. But that should be after you both experience the surprises (some joyful and some tragic) that life has to offer in your immediate futures.
Remember that marriage is meant to be permanent – until death do you part – and at your age your lifetime is a long road. Go down that road a while before you commit to a lifetime. The road you travel in the next two to five years will inevitably twist and turn in many directions. You will not want to be married while that happens. If, after all the tribulations of college (and all else that will happen) you are together, in love, and want to marry, everyone will surely support you and share your happiness.
Wiz
March 24, 2010
Question: I wanted to get your input on something. My friend and I have both joined match.com. She has met a number of guys that pull the same stuff.
They go out, things click, and the guy acts like he's really interested. They usually see each other a few more times. Then she never hears from them again. The last guy went overboard with the things he said to her - about her moving in with him when her divorce was final, having a future together, etc. She even met his daughter. Then POOF! He never called again. She left a voicemail, asking him to tell her what was going on. Of course he didn't respond. I know there could be things she does to scare guys off but I don't think so. She's not needy, she's energetic, fun, etc.
My question is, why do guys go to those lengths to say things like that - having a future together? Surely it can't be just for sex. Makes me want to never trust anything a new guy tells me again! Then they wonder why I don't trust them immediately.
ANSWER: Some guys who meet a woman through an indirect method like a matchmaking website, and who do not expect a deep engagement, will promise or present hopes of great expectation like marriage, love, passionate sex, big spending travel junkets, expensive gifts, or other similar foolery, to gain her adoring attention. They know its untrue or well beyond their ordinary means – but for that moment they are what they make themselves appear to be, and for that moment they attract a woman who thinks they are genuine. In most of these instances, the woman who is fooled does not live nearby and would not have reason to know the guy or to associate with him or with his friends or family. It is simply a brief but enjoyable ruse.
A similar but more genuine formula exists for a large number of guys who meet a woman for whom they feel a desire to impress because, at least for the moment, she satisfies their imagined ideal girlfriend. In the gloss of that hope that she is the imagined ideal, they will lavish her with promises of hope. Usually these promises will be close to realizable, like promising a long and happy romance or a weekend trip to Paris. They wish to do this and are able to do this, but only so long as the woman continues to fill their imagined ideal. As soon as the guy sees or notices something that does not square with the perfect woman for him, he will back off and disappear. This is a more genuine formula only because the guy actually means what he says. He doesn’t lie or grossly exaggerate his intentions, but they are founded on a dreamy self-deception about the woman he has met, and in a short time he comes to realize she fails to fit that role.
Both sets of these guys do not intend harm. The first set of guys described intend to deceive the woman and for this reason they are more pernicious. The second set of guys deceive only themselves. Nonetheless the harm caused to the woman, if the woman was attracted to him, is real even if the guy is oblivious to it.
In any case, a woman must be cautious with any man who promises so much early on in any relationship. For whatever the reason, early promises should not be trusted.
Wiz
March 24, 2010
Question: I really like a guy, but I don't dare to tell him.
ANSWER: You don’t need to. Just smile and be friendly to him. If he is ready to notice, he will be interested in you. If he is, he will (and you too can do this) make efforts to be around or near you. Eventually one of you will have to say something, and the “connection,” if it is a good one, will start there.
Be yourself. You should never need to act the part of someone else. You are what a guy will be interested in, not some imagined personality.
Wiz
March 15, 2010
Question: I've been living with this guy for 3 years. We were both married before, and I fell hard when we met. Now I am not sure we want the same thing. He has always been honest with me about his feelings but I am not sure he wants to be with me, even though he says he loves me too much to hurt me again and is happy with our life together. Somehow I don't feel it's right, but I don't want to walk away from someone I love this much.
ANSWER: Though both of you find meaning in this relationship, you are tentative about where it should go in the future. The experience of marriage gives you a unique perspective on your current relationship. You have seen permutations that people go through as they emerge from dating to a “permanent” marriage.
You express a clear intention to not walk away and he is honest with you about his feelings. With these two conditions set in stone, the next step for you to take is not difficult to ascertain.
At a quiet moment, when you are alone and in reflective moods, remind him how you fell for him, and ask him how he feels. Try to re-connect at the level you shared when you started to live together three years ago. Talk about how you and your relationship have changed over the three years. A good run-through of changes and “permutations” you have experienced here, in this relationship, will benefit you.
Wiz
March 10, 2010
Question: Hello Wiz, I am having a difficult time with my boyfriend of 4 months. I'm partially grown in the U.S. but a native Japan and he's German. He's 3 years older than me. I really question the sanity of his mind.
When we started our relationship he just got divorced. Since then, he kept saying that he had to go to Thailand to get ****ed up and forget his bitter past with his failed marriage. For over two months, he played with my heart by telling me to go with him and have a relationship with him, a prostitute and me. He even showed me a facebook profile of a girl he had sex with in his last visit to Thai as a good friend of him. He even suggested me to meet her when we go together. He pretended that he needed me to go with him, but one day he told me that he booked a flight and was going with his friend, saying that if I (girl friend) was with him he wouldn't be able to **** prostitutes. His friend ended up not being able to go, then he changed his mind and invited me again. However, finally, he booked a flight for only himself.
I am having a hard time understanding him. I hate the way he tried to include me for the trip, and decide everything all by himself in the end. I told him how much I was disgusted with his idea about prostitutes. I never want him to go, and want him to cancel flights. It seems he doesn't care about my feelings. He keeps telling me that this is going to be the last time and I should be able to handle this if I really love him. "This is a test for you to prove love for me," he says.
How could I accept a guy like this? A guy who tells me that he's going to Thailand to have sex with prostitutes?
I mean, is he being a reasonable guy because he is being honest to me at least? But I think you don't do or tell anything that hurts the person you love. He's doing something that I don't like and he thinks it's okay.
I love spending time with him. Even though his ex-wife dumped him because he cheated his ex-wife (he's divorced), and even though he's a very selfish guy, there's something about him that attracts me. His flight is scheduled in less than 3 weeks. Should I look for another guy and keep him as a back-up? Or just dump him? If so, how? Should I just stop ignoring his messages or calls, even though I'd gone over to his place tons of times and I still have my body lotion and tooth brush in the bathroom, and my favorite drink in his fridge? Or, I should at least go see him again, give him my last speech and pick up my stuff?
ANSWER: Forget your body lotion, toothbrush, and favorite drink in the fridge, and find someone else, unless you like being an object of occasional physical desire, and being put in line with other similar objects of desire.
He told you, “This is a test for you to prove love for me.” You would want to hear him say, “You are right. I’ll stay here to prove my love for you.”
From the text of your question, this man perceives women as objects of desire. Objects are not loved and nurtured – they are used.
Wiz
March 8, 2010
Question: I'm dating this senior in high school and I’m a freshman in college. I really like him a lot, but I have been hurt so much in the past that I'm scared to get too deep with him. Over all, I think I might have more feelings for him than he might have for me. When I come home from school on the weekends, I can't wait to spend the weekend with him, but we spend like a half a day with each other then text or talk otherwise. I think it's partially because he wants to spend time with his friends rather than me. I'm used to always being with the person I date often, so this is new. It's gotten to the point that Ill occasionally ask if he wants to still want to be with me. He always says yeah and tries to justify what's going on. So does that mean he wants to be with me even though his actions display the opposite???
ANSWER: It probably means that, yeah, he likes you and likes to spend time with you, but he’s got friends and other things to do too, and therefore, well, you fit in to his life, yes, but he does not feel a critical need to be with you.
If he is still in high school and you have moved on to college, he may be sensing a loosening of the reins, and may be exploring new options to occupy his time. He may be thinking of you more as a friend than as a date.
If you stop calling him, will he step up and contact you? If he will, then he still wants you involved in his life. If you want to strengthen the relationship, you will need to tell him you want to do just that. Your success will depend a lot on the strength of his desire to be with you more often.
Wiz
February 28, 2010
Question: Dear Wiz,
All was going well with my new guy and me. I have been so enamoured with him until today, when I was invited to a family get-together at his home. I enjoyed meeting everyone there, except his brother's wife, with whom my guy was flirting with . . . a lot. They were both drinking a lot. They would walk by each other and sneakily grab hands as they passed, or he would put his hand around her waist and then rub down her hips and butt. I was so nervous about meeting all these people who are so important to him. He didn't put me at ease. Our relationship is only three months old, and it moved slowly until the last few weeks.
He has been so loving and had convinced me that he is a loyal, trustworthy man, but now I've lost trust and respect for him. I feel he and his brother's wife disrespected me and his brother. I left early because I didn't want to sit there and watch any more of this. I didn't let on that I was upset because I didn't want to become more embarrassed than I already felt. He wants me to go on a trip with him for a few days, and I said I would, but now I feel sick about it. It would hurt to let him go, but I wonder if I should end it with him. Should I ask him what all their flirting is about and see if it's something he's willing to stop? Even if he cared enough about my feelings to say that he wouldn't do that anymore, I don't know if I would be able to trust him. Should I dump him? Thank you for your help.
ANSWER: His behavior was inappropriate indeed, and so was hers. You don’t know his brother well enough to confide in him. Asking your new guy about it is likely to produce a weak rationale, but give him the opportunity to explain it if you feel better. He is likely to pooh-pooh your concerns, saying you were seeing things that aren’t real. He might say they are only affectionate with each other and there is nothing to it.
The Wiz thinks you’ve caught a glimpse of something you don’t want a part in, and that is a good reason for a dump.
Wiz
February 25, 2010
Question: So I have been going out with this guy for like a week. He is 18 and I am 17. He tells me he loves me and I love him too. Well yesterday I found out he woke up to his ex. He says he doesn't remember anything. Should I dump him or should I keep him and just forget about the whole thing.
ANSWER: A guy doesn’t suddenly wake up and (surprise!) find his ex there. He was not faithful to you. If it bothers you, dump him. Equally worrisome is his weak excuse that he doesn’t remember anything. He is either clueless or he lies. Either way, both are not bad reasons to dump.
However, a week of going out does not create a humungous obligation of good faith. He still likes his ex. The short duration of your relationship, his continuing feelings for his ex, and your ages, are good reasons to doubt the worth, depth, and longevity of his love for you.
Wiz
February 17, 2010
Question: I am seeing someone who isn't divorced yet. He was the first to say I love you. He has two kids. We were supposed to see each other on Valentine's Day but he decided to keep his son all day. All I got was a text message from him. I know his kids should come first, but I feel like he should make time for me too. He hasn't been and it could be because he's still married and the wife could use his dating someone against him even though she wanted the divorce and he tried to reconcile. They have been separated for over 1 year. I love him and want to keep seeing him but feel I need him to make more of an effort. Part of me thinks maybe I should break it off and tell him to see how he feels after he's divorced.
ANSWER: That would be a practical way to handle this. Even with a long time of separation, his life will stay complicated with a divorcing wife and children. Had you met the children yet? Probably not, and that would explain the text message.
Wiz
February 13, 2010
Question: So I followed your advice [last wrote on January 31, 2010], along with the advice of a good friend, and cut off all communication with that boy. It hasn't been all that bad, although there have been times when I have really wanted to talk to him. What do you do when you miss someone so terribly, and feel like he is the only one who can make you feel good?
ANSWER: The best way to put an end to musings about an old flame is to find a new flame. If that is not possible, a good friend can make a decent, if not as good, substitute. If neither of these are available, make yourself remember the bad things about the former flame. It will help you feel less dependent. Remember that independence is what sets you free to seek and find a new relationship.
Wiz
February 11, 2010
Question: Hello, I met someone. He's a great person, and he started out as a really close friend, and I didn't know he felt more for me than a friend. I was shocked when he kissed me for the first time and I was happy, but I was so nervous for some reason and I basically said no, I don't want to be more than friends right now. I needed at least an overnight to think on it. But I just said no with those silly cliche reasons like, they just flew out of me. It was so fast, ughh, why would I say that? As in too soon (not literally a fast kiss), and we’re GOOD FRIENDS. Who actually says that? And he was upset. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him sad. But fine, and two days later when we spent time together, it was as if nothing ever happened and he held my hand. But it has been a month and we’re still really close, but now I have to let him know how I feel and I don't want him to get over me. I feel like the tables have turned because he felt it and I nervously said I didn't when I just needed a little time to think!
I know it should probably be yes, you felt it, or no, you didn't right away, but I was thrown off guard and I really just needed a little time. But now it's way past that and I still haven't told him how I feel, and I don't know if he's over me. My close friend said he definitely isn't in what she sees when we hang out, but I am not sure. And if he isn't, how do I let him know? I can't just say, “WELL, I thought about it, so I do like you” can I? I may just have to let it happen, but I need to talk to him.
For the first time I am just very, not insecure, but it’s not the feeling of having a crush and they don’t feel the same way, because I feel if he's moved on in his mind, I would be extremely hurt. We are supposed to spend some time the day before Valentine’s Day, Saturday, just to hang out. It sounded like just us, which made me feel good, like maybe we would just let things happen again and he can't wait. But today he said, if I wanted, we could hangout with people. I don't want to! For the first time in my life I am experiencing this. I don't know, this NEED and this idea that no, I wouldn’t mind, but I Would, and I just want to be with you, you know.
How am I going to tell him, for once I just feel so different. He's shorter than me, and I don't care. I mean, I usually don't analyze that way if I like you, it's for who you are, and that's random of me to bring up too, but this is just not the same feeling or any feeling I have ever had. He can totally be himself in any and every way as I can and we don't mind and I just want to finally let him know! It’s eating me alive because I can't hold this off. I just can’t wait any longer. What if his feelings change and plus, I just need this to happen. I'm not in LOVE or anything. I just really like someone for the first time. I sound so clingy and needy and I'm really not. I'm nothing like this in person, ha, but inside right now this is secretly how I feel and I don't know who to talk to besides my absolute closest friend, who says, “Just talk to him! Bring it up and tell him!” And she's probably right. I don't know what I am asking you exactly, I guess just that: I don't know how to bring that up or if I should, what to say. Help me, please :/ Thank you so much.
ANSWER: The Wiz agrees with your friend. Just talk to him. He kissed you. That means he has special feelings for you. Your having been shocked is no big thing to him. In fact, when you talk to him, tell him it shocked you. He’ll probably be amused – in a good way. He will welcome you coming back to him.
Get him alone. It can be in a public place. It is okay if there are crowds of people around. Or it can be more private. But it should be just the two of you together, alone or in a crowd. Then, look him directly in the eyes, smile or be serious (doesn’t matter), and say, “Remember when you kissed me?” He will acknowledge it immediately (because, be assured, he remembers well). Before he can say anything further other than “yes,” say to him, “I was shocked. You really surprised me.” Let that sink in for a moment. Then say, and smile for this, “I want to give this a try, if it is okay with you.”
Inside his heart he’ll be jumping for joy.
Wiz
February 10, 2010
Question: My boyfriend is shady. Deletes me from facebook. Never buys me anything or pays for anything.
ANSWER: A boyfriend who earns these criticisms loses the privilege of boyfriendhood.
Wiz
February 9, 2010
Question: My boyfriend of ten years! Argh! I keep finding stupid things about him! Like porn! And now a myspace account! He said he was single and wanted single and taken girls. And I keep catching him on things that deal with sexual materials! I can’t live up to him anymore!
ANSWER: You mean he can’t live up to your standards, and that is a reasonable basis for a dump.
Wiz
February 9, 2010
Question: I have been dating a guy for over two months. We had "the talk" very early on because it was going so well and really we just ran into the discussion by accident. We both talked about it and decided to see where it goes but take it slow.
About 10 days ago, he went on a vacation and he never called once. I texted him half way through about something funny. He responded and that is the only thing I've heard from him.
He is visiting his family and then off to a guy’s weekend, so he says. I believed him in the beginning, but now I am just doubting the entire situation.
Is 10 days really that long for guys? Because between 3 and 5 days if I haven't heard from a guy I usually assume it's over and move on. But maybe he just needs a break and will come back and call? Who knows, any advice will help!!
ANSWER: For most guys, ten days is too long if they love the girl they left behind. However, after two months, the relationship is new. One would think he would communicate more to continue making a good impression, but there are reasons that might explain his silence.
The Wiz suggests that you let him contact you when he gets back. Don’t let him control the situation. Don’t text him any further and make him be the one to communicate next. If he calls when he is back, either he is ready to make it up to you or you are only a convenience date and now its convenient to welcome you back into his life. You won’t know which it is until you test him on that call. If he doesn’t call, the answer is obvious. If he calls, sincerely apologizes, and gives you a good reason for not communicating, give him another chance. Try to keep an open mind about what is a “good” reason. If he fails to satisfy you, move on.
Wiz
February 9, 2010
Question: He is a really nice, sweet guy, pretty attractive, a little to short. I love him dearly as a friend and don’t ever want to be hurting his feelings. We have been dating for about a year and a half, but many things have happened in the past that hurt me. The damage has been done, and I feel like I want a fresh new romantic relationship. We are comfortable, but our true feelings seem hidden at times. He has done some loving gestures in our relationship, and I have been holding onto those dearly. He has also messed up almost every important occasion except St. Patrick’s day, my birthday, our one year anniversary, and he dumped me on Christmas Day, but we got back together late. He never would cheat, but he does go online and look at girl’s photos like facebook and mysapce. He also texts other girls. I know this from seeing it, which is snoopy on my part, but also because he is so closed up. I have no idea if he actually likes me or not. Our sex has gone down and I’m getting very bored. Every notion of romance and love that I have, or want, is being crushed. I am only 19. Help me!!!
ANSWER: No relationship should last in which you feel that every notion of romance and love that you have, or want, is being crushed. Plainly, you must extricate yourself from this relationship. As you say, find a fresh new relationship.
You don’t need help from the Wiz in deciding what to do. Perhaps you need some help in how to do it.
If he has feelings that might get hurt, that is natural. You can try to make it go easier, but that depends on him as much as on how you dump him. If he is a lost cause, he will feel hurt regardless of what you do.
When you do it, follow some basic rules. Give him compliments – do not tell him all the bad things you don’t like. Tell him you have decided to end the romantic part of your relationship with him. Do not take no for an answer. Be firm and direct. Give him a reason that is true, like “I want to start a fresh, new relationship.” That really means you are bored, but you can see that you don’t have to put it that way. If he is a “man,” he’ll respect your decision. If he is a friend, he will hopefully ask if you can stay friends, and you’ll agree. If he reacts badly, be firm and don’t let him think you are willing to compromise. After a while he will understand better, and when that happens, if you do want to revive the friendship, a time should arise when you can say, “Let’s be friends,” and he will agree.
Wiz
February 8, 2010
Question: So, I met this wonderful Indian man at a business convention this past weekend. We had known each other previously, because this convention will often take place every few months and we always see each other at them.
During the convention, we chatted and flirted with one another, the usual sitting close to one another tagging along for the various lectures taking place and the like. He was so into it, that at one point when we were separated from one another for most of the day, he came up to me before I left the convention center for my flight, and apologized profusely. I suggested we exchanged phone number and he said OK, and gave me his.
Fast forward two weeks later now, we are still chatting it up every couple of days, exchanging text messages and having conversations which are lasting for a couple hours minimum. We are mainly discussing work, people we know from work, and little in work jokes.
However, just yesterday while we were conversing, he asks me what he should get his girlfriend for Valentine's Day in the middle of our conversation. Never before have I heard that he had a girlfriend, so I asked who it was. It was a mutual friend of ours, however he claimed that he was keeping the situation a secret because of family ties (he's Indian, she's not, I'm half but look white, if that matters).
Suddenly, he gets into this whole rant about how there is "some girl" at the convention center who is driving him and his girlfriend apart. The "some girl" was obviously me, and this guy is saying he is fervently in love with his girlfriend and he is concerned because his girlfriend isn't so into him anymore.
I addressed the situation (seeing that we were the only people flirting at the meeting, it could only be us) and professed that I had no interest in him (which is a lie, I know) and I am sorry about all the rumors now going around about us. Now, he is ticked off at me.
I HAD NO IDEA HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. And, if he had this girlfriend, why did he flirt back with me so much? Am I being played? This whole situation is just ridiculous. I genuinely had no inclination to flirt with him if I knew his current relationship status.
Wizard, you have always given me the best advice, please help!
ANSWER: It matters no way whether he or you or his girlfriend, any one or all of you, are Indian, half-Indian, or any other ethnicity or mixture of ethnicity in any proportion and of any kind.
Now – does it matter that you flirted with him? Absolutely, unqualifiedly, no.
Flirting is fun – for both guy and girl – and in no way is it harmful or even meaningful unless something follows. The fun of flirting is the flirting itself. However, if a flirt is dating someone close, flirting is a foolish flout of fate because it can and truly might evolve into something more real – and that is, after all, part of the mystery and excitement of flirting.
If he was “fervently in love with his girlfriend,” how could you know that? He is held to know it and could easily have avoided flirting with you. He voluntarily flirted with you, and the consequences are his to live with, not yours.
Wiz
February 4, 2010
Question: Hi, my brother’s friend and I are in love, but I think he is not interested in me any more. Can you help me?
Bye and thanx!
ANSWER: Oooooh. If he is in love with you, of course he is interested. If he is not interested, he is not in love any more. Without more information, the Wiz cannot help you much, except to say, if he is the right guy for you, and you are the right girl for him, you’ve got to go get him, girl, and make sure he sees how great and wonderful you are for him. But if you aren’t so sure, this is your opportunity to find a guy who is better for you.
Wiz
January 31, 2010
Question: Why would I ever let myself be with a guy who I didn't feel good around, even half the time? Why, if I didn't always feel comfortable around him, especially around his friends, and since sometimes when we were alone he'd be all romantic but then around others he'd just treat me like another person? Seriously? No one treats me like that. In fact, no guy has ever treated me the way he's treated me in the past... in both good ways, and bad.
That's the unfortunate part. He made me feel so good about myself at times, and other times, so horrible. I just felt like he understood me so well, more than most people, if not everyone. Most likely because we were very alike. Probably too alike. But the thing is, the ways in which we were alike really had nothing to do with the innermost thoughts that I discussed with him. So, he actually did understand me. And whenever he complimented me, I soared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good, as well as bad. He knew the things I felt insecure about.
He got jealous very easily and I loved it. He tried to make me jealous a lot and I feel like it didn't work only because I knew we still cared about each other. I knew he would always come back to me. That was the security that I needed, and it was enough for me. I didn't need labels or anything official. All I needed was reassurance that he cared.
And when he was mean, it was almost like I wanted to talk to him even more, because then I got to chase him. And I guess I had been mean to him a lot too. And other guys let me bully them a little, but not him. We're equal; anything I do, he has the right to do as well. And I guess that caught me off guard. And it's funny how fast we got attached to each other. We started talking in June, and by August I already felt like he was my closest friend.
But the thing is, he really did say a lot of the same things to other girls as he said to me. So, was our whole relationship founded on lies? Every situation, like every friendship, is different. And, perhaps, did he always try to make me jealous because he was afraid of me walking away? Because I did. Once. And it hurt him, but I didn't seem to care. So I guess him walking away shouldn't anger me at all. Well, at least when I left, I never told him that I liked another guy more than him, or anything to hurt his feelings. I just told him I wanted to be just friends, without hooking up. See, the good thing about me is that I change my mind a lot, so even if I decide I don't want to be with him anymore, it's highly likely that I'll change my mind and come back to him.
But this, this is him leaving, and I have absolutely no control over the situation. That's what makes it painful. So whenever I start thinking about how mad I am, I then think that maybe it's not that bad, because you never know, maybe I'm capable of saying the same things he said to me. So did I over-exaggerate? Could this just be another one of our games? Or is it really over?
And another reason that would lead me to believe that it could really be over is that he has lots of other girls that he talks to on the phone, that he is interested in. It doesn't matter if he's not hooking up with anyone else. He still has options. So do I (obviously), but I discard my guys rather brutally, so I don't have as much of a wide array to choose from. Consequently, I am not interested in anyone but him, leaving me to feel absolutely pathetic and definitely not like myself. So, it seems like it's much easier for him to just walk away. Also, this was honestly the most special, important relationship with a guy I've ever had – however unconventional and not official it was, and you can't just forget something like that.
ANSWER: Well, you’ll be finding out soon, if you haven’t already, whether the relationship is really over. If it is, think of it as a new freedom for you, free of your person being tied up with his person (which you have been – just look at what you wrote here!) and a time for you to explore new relationships with some other guys. Most guys might not intrigue you the same way, but some, a few, will intrigue you in even better ways.
Wiz
January 29, 2010
Question: I want to dump my boyfriend because I'm not in love with him anymore! I've never done this before, so I want to try it. I don't want to be friends with him anymore. I just want him to get out of my life. :( Please, help me. How do I send a dump certificate?
ANSWER: If your relationship has been a long one, tell him that you are ready for a change and that you don’t want to date any more. If it has been real short, don’t show an interest in him any more. If you want a dump certificate, push the DUMP HIM NOW button on any page in the site. It will take you to the page you need.
Wiz
January 27, 2010
Question: I have a major problem. I have been with this guy for going on nine years now and we have two wonderful little girls. One is 14 months and our oldest is 7 years old. Ever since we have first been together he has been in and out of jail for selling drugs and of course I keep going back to him obviously. But anyway he is in jail again as I type and I had told him that this was the last straw for me if he gets out and goes back to drugs. I have given him too many chances already.
Well, while he was in jail I had started getting on a chat room and talking to people, not meaning anything by it. Anyway then I ended up talking to this other guy and we had a really good conversation, so we ended up talking on there again and the second time we continued the conversation on the phone and now here I am one month later and I am really falling for this person. We have been talking on a daily basis and usually all night long. He is in another state but he is willing to come here to visit and see if we like each other then.
Before anyone answers I want to make it clear that I know the warnings already about meeting him and I planned on doing that with other people around me and all of that. But anyway I really think there could be something there between us and now I'm torn on what to do. A big part of me wants to move on and start over. The second person said he would be willing to move here and just be friends for a little while before we decided to make it set in stone that we are together. He doesn't have a family of his own so, he said it wouldn't be a big deal to him to move. But in order for that to happen I would have to tell the first person what is going on and I'm scared to tell him and I don't know how to tell him.
He really does seem now that he really does want to get out of jail and do better, but like I have said he is a repeat offender and he is actually trying to go to rehab now. He has been talking to his lawyer about it and everything and he has never went this far before with trying to get help. So that's one reason I'm scared to say anything to him. But at the same time I don't want to sit around again and have to worry all the time about if he really is going to quit when he gets out and miss out on another chance with someone that really seems like a nice person and who doesn't do drugs. The second one is a DEA informant, so if that is true I wouldn't have to worry anymore about that stuff being around my kids and me anymore. But at the same time I am scared of hurting the one in jail. I also can't go to the jail to see him unless I have our daughters with us because we had never actually got married and they won't let me see him alone, and I can write him. My question is, how do I start a letter like that to tell him how I feel?
ANSWER: Meet guy number two before you write the letter. Follow the advice you know you would get here about meeting him in a neutral place. Get to know him before you allow him to consider living with you.
If he turns out to be the interesting and pleasant guy you think he is, and you know him well enough to invite him into your household, you can then write the letter – unless, of course, guy number one gets out of jail in the meantime. Then you will tell him directly.
Guy number one will always remain a part of your life because he is father to your two children. They need him to be a good and involved father and you must encourage that relationship. Guy number two must know that guy number one is a necessary participant in your children’s lives.
Only after you have come to know guy number two well enough to invite him into your life (and the lives of your children), your letter could be written something like this:
Dear 111111: I am writing to tell you that I have met a guy who likes me a lot. I enjoy him and want him to be a part of my life. I know you will want to be around as father to our children and that is okay with me. It is okay with 22222, the guy I like too. Please understand that I just can’t live with you anymore in the way we have been doing it. You aren’t around enough (because of jail) and I can’t be a part of the crimes you commit. I want you to be a good father to our children and will support that as much as I can, but I have a life to live too, and that means spending valuable time with another guy if I like him a lot. Please understand how I feel. I really want you to understand this if at all possible for my happiness and the health and well-being of our children.
Good luck. Take this as just a suggestion. Write it in your own words – but be clear about keeping him involved as father to the children.
Wiz
January 23, 2010
Question: What is the most important thing in a relationship?
ANSWER: One can write volumes about what things are important in a relationship and months can be spent analyzing their order of importance.
In short, the answer is mutual respect. In every relationship, especially dating relationships, the most important thing is the respect dating partners feel for each other. If respect is lacking, they will not treat each other as nicely; they will not care for each other as much; and they will dump each other with more derision than is necessary. Respect is a right and proper foundation for good faith, honesty, commitment, and, yes of all things, love.
Respect is one thing that can reliably last a lifetime. It will remain a foundation for all the good that comes during good health and bad, for better and for worse, and forever until death.
Wiz
January 22, 2010
Question: Hi, I've been with this guy for a year. He was abroad, so he's not always here with me. When he was away, he never tried to keep in touch with me. I'm the one who always tried to reach him first, and he never asked me how I feel.
Recently, there's another guy who came in, and we went on several dates. I became attached to him and feel comfortable around him because he cares a lot about me.
Should I dump my boyfriend, since I always feel he neglects me? How should I tell him that he has done me wrong all the time?
ANSWER: You are appropriate in dumping the guy who neglects you when he is away, but you do not have a good reason to tell him he has done wrong to you. As true as it may be, it will serve no purpose. Dumping him will be enough of a message that he was not close enough or caring enough to keep you.
Wiz
January 18, 2010
Question: My boyfriend is 48 and I am 43 and we have been dating 12 months and he is almost living with me and has gotten to know my children very well. I caught him surfing the net and contacting other men for sexual relations. He tells me it's innocent and nothing has happened, but then there were phone calls and photos. Should I get rid of him even though he is good to me?
ANSWER: It depends entirely on what bothers you as a lover, a companion, and a mother. If the photos are damning evidence, and it bothers you, it may not be enough for him to say convincingly that it is of no importance.
By the way, for him it is innocent if he sees no problem in it. If you do see a problem, you need to deal with it in some fashion. After 12 months of a relationship, you know each other well enough to discuss it. If he can’t satisfy you that he is the same person you have come to know and enjoy, get rid of him.
Wiz
January 13, 2010
A question was received here from a guy for advice. Please send your question to dumpagirl.com for a response.
January 13, 2010
Question: I have been having instant message conversations with a man on one of the matchmaking websites. He's been showering me with vows and promises, poems, and says he loves me, but we've never even met in person. I've tried to find out more about him by asking questions, because he did the same when it came to communicating with me. The problem is he hasn't replied to any of my questions, which leads me to believe that he might be insincere or is hiding some facts from me. Is it time to kick him to the curb? I am looking for someone who is affectionate and romantic, but the question remains in my mind: I must be able to trust the guy. Please send me your reply ASAP.
ANSWER: Caution flag number one is a guy who says he loves you but has never met you personally. Caution flag number two is a guy who will not answer questions. Two caution flags are more than enough to kick him to the curb, especially when you haven’t met and have spoken only through a matchmaking service.
Wiz
January 11, 2010
Question: He is the greatest guy I have met. Everything that I look for in a guy to date, he has it. The only problem is that he is not able to provide, meaning he is not financially independent. Am I wasting my time with someone I can't see myself getting married to since there is no dependability?
ANSWER: It is a matter of your priorities. Many people are quite content in love even if poor. Some people can never be content without money. If you must have financial security, and he can’t provide it, then you should dump him. If, however, after analyzing what it is in life that you really want and find that financial security can take a second seat to love, then don’t dump him.
Financial independence can come later in life. All kinds of things can happen to improve that missing link – though nothing is sure and the odds may be against it. But where do you find a guy who has everything you have been looking for in a guy, and money? You might be looking for a long time.
When deciding whether to marry, here is one recommendation from the Wiz: You may sacrifice money for love but not love for money.
It is better to be unmarried without love and without money than to be married with money and without love.
If you prioritize money ahead of love, fine. Marry someone with money, but be sure you love him.
Wiz
January 8, 2010
Question: Hi, I have been in a 5 year relationship. It has been really serious. However, he works out of state and he is usually not here with me, and we fight almost all the time. Nevertheless, I still feel something for him and I feel attached to him. Recently, I have been attracted to a guy friend. I really don't know what to do. Should I break up with my boyfriend? I will never cheat so that is not an option. What should I do ?
ANSWER: Get in some social time with the guy you are attracted to. There is no harm in having a guy friend. See how it goes. If you find he is really worth it, and if he is attracted to you and wants to date you, why not date him? Your boyfriend is hardly around and you argue with him “almost all the time.” That does not sound like a healthy, happy, enjoyable relationship.
Wiz
January 5, 2010
A question was received here from a guy seeking advice. You should send your question to dumpagirl.com for a response.
January 4, 2010
Question: Hello again, Wiz. I wrote to you on December 17 and 28 of 2008, and again on July 27 and October 17 of 2009. I need your help.
My fiance and I are still trying to hang on to each other. We have had so many issues come between us and it is making me question his trust. We have had problems with the same ex-girlfriend. One night I got a call from the police saying he was harassing her and at her house. It was 3:30 a.m. and he was not answering his phone that night. They said she called the police and wanted them to charge him with phone harassment. He supposedly called her 16 times. I was mad when he came home but I had to go to work, so we didn’t really talk about it. We recently went to a club and she was there. He was drunk and I watched him walk up from behind her and try to hug her. She walked away. Later he walked up to her and her friends and told her that he loved her. She turned her back. I was pretty upset. When I saw him I asked him what was going on and he kept calling me by her name. I freaked out and he slapped me. I love him so much. I really am confused. I know he still texts her and calls her because I check his phone logs. We are engaged but I think of all the past history with them and I get upset. Then we start fighting. There was a rumor that she was pregnant. He is the one that told me. We took time out then. I am so confused. Please HELP ME!!!
ANSWER: How can the Wiz help one who will not follow important advice?
On December 28, 2008 the Wiz states: “You should not be confused. He abuses you and broke your nose. Cut the strings and put the drama behind you. Follow the advice of his ex. She is right – you should listen to her and follow her advice. Think of your children and you. He belongs in someone else’s nightmare, not yours.”
On July 27, 2009 the Wiz states: “The whole thing smells funny.”
On October 17, 2009 the Wiz states: “He broke your nose. Don’t be a glutton for punishment. Listen to his ex. Listen to the Wiz.”
Now, the Wiz states: Why are you confused? You are still engaged. You have convinced yourself that you love him. This is masochistic behavior. Look it up. STOP IT. End this relationship or create your own nightmare.
Wiz
December 28, 2009
Question: So recently I have noticed that I tend to make a good first impression on guys and they seem to chase me at first, but shortly after they either lose interest, or don't find me as exciting as they originally thought. These aren’t particularly guys that I’ve even had any kind of romantic relationship with. It could be just flirting, which I am very good at. So what I am wondering is, is there a way for a girl that's intriguing and mysterious, but easily forgettable after a while, stay in someone's mind long after the 'exciting' period is over?
ANSWER: Oh, yes. Flirting is a surface kind of thing. It shows how you can appear but shows little about what is underneath. The substance of what you are as a person is what will count for a long-term relationship. It is the part of you that resides inside your mind and heart, not the first impression that gets a guy on the chase. Once he catches up with you, flirting is still fun, but the time arrives for communication of deeper, more meaningful things from the mind and heart.
You lure into your world a guy who does not know you with an appearance that is intriguing and mysterious. When he enters your world, you must share your thoughts and feelings. Then, if he likes what he hears and sees when he gets to know you, he will remember you all right. The new excitement (exhilaration!) will be more valuable to him than the “exciting” period that has ended. Believe it or not, for the right guy you will still be intriguing and mysterious after he gets to know you, and you will not need to pretend a darn thing..
Wiz
December 27, 2009
Question: He says the only reason he calls is sexual reasons. Although he supposedly loves me, it no longer shows. He is my best friend and the only person I can truly talk to. He is extremely jealous and protective over me, but the guy friends we share say he only talks about me in a sexual way. Every time we fight he hangs up on me avoiding working it out, and when I hang up he waits 24 hours to call me back. He always has to be right and I always have to be wrong. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: If you like guys to control you, guys who feel jealous and protective, and guys who must always be right, stay with him. If you find these characteristics objectionable, dump him.
If he treats you in the manner you describe, he does not appear to be the only person you can truly talk to, and he is not your best friend, unless you have no friends and no one will talk to you. Some how the Wiz thinks you are too kind when you say he is your best friend. Surely, you can talk to others, and surely, you can have better friends, if you describe him truly.
Wiz
December 27, 2009
Question: Hi Wiz. I just dumped my guy a few weeks ago. I started to see many red flags in his attitude towards our relationship, yet right now I am in that stage of initial confusion after dumping a guy.
I am 30 years old, professional. I like to think of myself as quite a catch, good looking, nice, easy to get along with . . . really. Even my ex boyfriend at the beginning could not believe that a woman like me actually dated a guy like him.
In the year I was with him we barely fought. Perhaps the biggest issue was that I was somehow better financially than him. But he did make his efforts to keep me happy. He is actually a nice guy, very outgoing, and creative, but I honestly did not see a future together. I constantly reminded him that I needed more stability from his part. He did not really have a stable job. He kept traveling all the time for some of the tasks he had to do for his part time jobs, and well, I wanted to settle down with him. All I got were promises that he was going to do it. I told him I wanted marriage, kids, the works. He said yes, but I did not see any initiative from his part, though I really wanted to settle down with him. I got tired, quite disappointed of his attitude. I know I was his trophy girlfriend and yes, I am in love still.
It is very difficult for me to portray my feelings to other people. I usually am very private when it comes to my personal life. I spent so much time, efforts, even money in this relationship. I do not want to feel as if I made a mistake. I have gone out on dates and I feel empty. I do feel that the decision I made was for the best but I still feel so empty inside.
My friends say to be patient. I am doing everything possible to keep on, but I just feel empty. I think it would be nice if you could give some insight about dealing with the mixed feelings after dumping. Being back on the market is scary. Before this guy I was single for 2 years, so I know how it is to enjoy my single time. Honestly, I do like better feeling that closeness, someone that cares for you, rather than the hunt. I guess that is where my confusion enters.
ANSWER: Dating a guy for a long time, and dumping him, will inevitably cause a void in your emotional psyche. During the year you dated him, he occupied your time and filled your needs when you enjoyed and wanted his company. This causes a natural dependency, much like we learn to depend on friends or family when we need them and they comfort or respond lovingly to our needs. Naturally, after the dump you will feel emptiness. If a new date does not satisfy you, you will miss your former boyfriend, and sometimes even regret that you dumped him.
It may help you to remember why you dumped him. He failed to satisfy basic needs you feel must come in a long-term, loving relationship. If you can remember your frustrations and your longing for stability and commitment, this may bring you to a better place. Dating him did not bring confidence that he would provide for you something you need from the man with whom you settle down and have children.
The other thing to remember that may help you is that men do exist who can and will provide what you are looking for. If you are living in a rural place with a small population, the choices are smaller in number, but you are likely to find love even there.
As a “catch,” men who deserve a woman of your qualities will find you. Be patient and persistent. Good luck is the confluence of persistence and opportunity. Good luck will find you if you go places and do things where guys exist – and guys are, indeed, everywhere. Do not compromise in your choices. You are looking for a good man, a man who will love you dearly, a man with humor, good habits, decent values, steadfast, able to commit and settle down, and stable. Watch for “good faith,” the surest sign of deep, permanent commitment.
Wiz
December 25, 2009
Question: Should I dump my boyfriend if I think me and him aren’t meant to be anymore?
ANSWER: If you feel you want to be with him, but he is too good for you, or you are not good enough for him, don’t give up so easily.
If you don’t want him any more, most definitely dump him.
Wiz
December 22, 2009
Question: I've been dating a very good friend of mine for about two months now. Before we started dating we hung out everyday and we share all the same hobbies.
I've been weirded out by this relationship in general because I didn't want to risk losing the friendship and it's very possible that he'll be moving away in less than a year.
I feel like I'm starting to fall in love with him. I'm not sure if I'm just trying to make up excuses to leave him so that I don't get hurt in the long run.
He went out of town to see his family for Christmas and he hasn't called me since leaving (one week as opposed to talking everyday like we were). Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not sure he'll remember to call.
I wonder if I should dump him if he doesn't call. I'm annoyed that he hasn't and I think this might be reason enough to get out. Is this too petty of a reason? Am I just freaking out because I don't want to get serious?
I'm his best friend first and foremost. He's also coming back to see me for New Year's and I think it'd be totally lame of me to break up with him before then. Blah!
ANSWER: It is tough to turn a close friendship into a love interest and then back to a close friendship again. It happens rarely, and it is difficult for you to know whether you are one of the exceptions to this general rule.
Your question suggests that your mind is running in opposite directions. You think you are falling “in love with him” and at the same time you “don’t want to get serious,” probably because you don’t want to “get hurt in the long run.”
To begin, you should not dump a guy with whom you are falling in love. Such a waste to lose a love! However, if he failed to call on your birthday, and if he becomes distant from you, the reason may be that he senses you are falling in love and is afraid of losing your friendship. He may be giving you a chance to cool down – but if this is true, why did he go on dates with you in the last few months?
Talk to him when he returns from the holidays. You are best friends, so that should be easy to accomplish. Then talk the issue over with him – what does he want, best friends or a romance? If he says best friends, he may very well have cold feet for the same reasons you are feeling worried about getting serious.
Your solid friendship should help you pull through this to determine what kind of relationship best meets needs for both of you. You should find this out now so you don’t fall deeper in love without good reason.
Wiz
December 17, 2009
Question: I have been dating a guy named Mike for about a year and a half. We moved in together and so did like ten of his friends. Ever since we moved in together I get annoyed of him very easily and I don't really want to see him and I would rather hang out with the friends that I live with. Then one of my roommates brought a friend over and I started to like him a lot. We hung out like everyday with my roommates while I ignored my boyfriend while he was upstairs. But I ignored him cause we always fought with each other and he hits me if "I get out of line." And I broke up with him yesterday because he punched me in the head and I realize I deserve better. But I don't know if I'm making a mistake because I love him soo much. And I used to see us getting married one day, but I can't anymore. That’s not the way I want to live. And I'm scared that when he gets a new girlfriend or whatever I'm going to feel like I made the biggest mistake. And I'm scared that when I'm like forty I will regret leaving him. Please help me. What do I do? Cause I have no idea. :/
ANSWER: He hits you when you “get out of line.” He punched you in the head.
Read the two sentences above. If you still have no idea, Read Again. Now read the following:
"I deserve better."
Read it again if you must.
No guy who punches his girl is worth any time – at all, for any reason. If you love him you deceive yourself and put yourself through unnecessary anguish.
What you should be scared about is that you might deceive yourself into staying in the relationship. Then, when you are forty and your life has been a pitiful, worthless experience, you will regret you stayed.
If he gets a new girlfriend, pity her for her foolish mistake.
STAY AWAY from him.
Wiz
December 15, 2009
Question: Okay, first off I feel guilty to be sending in this question, but I like what I’ve read and the way you respond to others. Therefore it has motivated me to write to you. I have been with my boyfriend a month, more or less. I am not asking if I should dump him, because it is not an option since I have never been happier. However, I want an opinion on how to get past some uneasy feelings I have been having lately.
I am 19 and my boyfriend is 18. He recently graduated high school and is on his first year of college. I am on my second. I am currently employed, have a car, and am basically but not completely independent since I still live at home. He on the other hand does not have a job and does not have a working car. For some undetermined reason, this, along with the age difference, really bugs me. I try to balance out the fact that he doesn’t have a job and is therefore struggling on getting his car fixed with the fact that he is barely getting use to being out of high school and what not. But either way I look at it, it still bugs me.
While I don’t see this splitting us up, I do see it causing problems in our relationship because it is constantly on my mind. When I think about it so much I get frustrated. I just rationalize the issues with his age and once again with his recent graduation from high school. Aside from these issues we have a great relationship. He loves me the way I want to be loved and pays as much attention to me as I need. There are no complaints there. However, since the age difference was what bugged me in the first place, it only gets worse as I contemplate his unemployment and him not having a car. I feel like by I not lacking those things I am constantly being reminded of the age difference.
Did i make sense? If there are any words of advice you can give, please do. It will be very much appreciated.
P.S. I have told him he needs a job, and his reply is I am looking because I know I need a job.
ANSWER: The age difference is permanent, but it will become less and less important as you get older. If the age difference is not a serious problem for you, and it appears not to be, do not let that fact alone get in the way of a good relationship.
Unemployment and lacking a working car may appear important because they are critical for independence and, indeed, self-respect in the modern world.
These temporary inconveniences, however, should not reflect badly on him. They are typical for a person who is just out of high school. For you this is like a rash. Bothersome while it lasts, it will completely go away in time. Be patient. Let him in due time adjust to his circumstances and put his life together.
If in due time he cannot put his life together, some character flaw may become evident and this can badly affect a relationship. At this point, based on your question, no evidence of character flaw exists.
Wiz
December 14, 2009
Question: Dear Wiz: I came across a man who all he can talk about is how “he is a leg man or a boob man,” and all the focus is on “I like when a woman wears short skirts, you have nice legs.” I don't ask him what type of woman he likes nor do I ask him what he wants to see me wearing! I tend not to be a people pleaser, so unless I'm attending a special event, a special party, or a night out dancing, I wear what I'm comfortable in and what is appropriate for the weather.
We've gone out in two dates in a month and a half. On the second date (at the movies) he placed his hand on my knee. This caught me by surprise, since it was only the second date. Yet, at the risk of appearing like a prude, I just let the hand rest there. I am an affectionate woman, yet I become affectionate only after I get to know the person better (which averages 3 months). The date ended with a nice thank you hug after the movie.
The next day, this guy called and brought up that since I got startled when he placed his hand on my knee, he figures that I didn't “like it.” After explaining my three month “getting to know you period’” he mentioned that after a while, if there is no ‘sexual’ action, he sees the woman “as a sister.”
This makes me feel pressured. I feel an attraction to him, there is chemistry, but if I become affectionate at this point, it’s like kissing a total stranger. I'll feel like I'm “giving my SELF” to an unknown entity.
What does your Wizdom say?
ANSWER: For every woman, a point in time exists when the comfort level occurs. Some women will assign a rule to it, as a means to ensure they do nothing too rash. Other women set no rule. However, whether a rule exists or not, in all cases women usually (or better to say, almost always) wait until the comfort level arrives before they allow a man to take liberties, or before they will take an initiative, in sex.
Some women find a comfort level quickly, some not so quickly. Then again, not all women find a comfort level based only on time. Many will find the comfort level more quickly if the guy exceeds all their standards, or will delay if the guy shows faults or quirks.
So much for all that. Wait for this guy to find more to like in you than “nice legs” before you go further. At this point he already wants some “action” from you, but it comes only from a want of sex, not a romantic interest in you.
You are right to wait for the comfort level. You must resist his sexual impulse because it comes solely from his lust and nothing else. When he develops a real interest in you as a person, and if you are attracted to him, and remain so, then react accordingly when you can react naturally.
If he does not respect your comfort level, he acts according to principles understood by beasts, not respectful human beings, and you should avoid him. If he respects it, give him time and some fun, and good things can follow from there.
Wiz
December 13, 2009
Question: Hi Wiz: I read some of the advice that you've given to the girls. Anyone can answer like you.
You should start advising the girls to look for different side of man than to dump him.
ANSWER: If a girl has not seen the good side of a man she dates, she shouldn’t date him. If she has, but has also seen his bad side and doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t date him. This is simple advice and anyone can give it.
Also simple is this advice: No woman should stay dating a man in whom she must search to find his good side.
Wiz
December 12, 2009
Question: What happens when you're just not girlfriend material? But when even though your personality is carefree and spontaneous, you have a more romantic side to you, one that wants to have something special and real just like the rest of them?
ANSWER: You are girlfriend material – very much so. If you haven’t been dating, you haven’t been noticed, or if you have, the right guy hasn’t the courage (yet?) to ask you out. It is easy to say, “Be Patient” to you, while you feel that you are not girlfriend material. You are, however, very much a desired, interesting woman, and you will be a pleasure for the guy who will find the courage to ask you out, or who you will ask out, in your future. People do find a match – it happens, sometimes when you least expect it. Be confident, hold on to your interests and your opinions, make friends, be friendly, be sure to smile, and keep your hope alive. Do not ever let yourself become so discouraged that you lose your hope. Success and happiness come to those who never lose hope.
How does the Wiz know you are interesting? You say your “personality is carefree and spontaneous,” that you “have a more romantic side,” and that you want “something special and real.” These are interesting, beautiful features. They imply that you are a complex personality with deeply moving feelings, ready to share a generous love and companionship with the right person. It will happen.
Wiz
December 12, 2009
Question: Fiancé, giving single woman at his office $1,300.00 personal check.
ANSWER: If he is your fiancé, you should know him well enough to ask him about it.
It is not likely payment for sex, if that is what you are thinking. A woman who works at his place of business is not a prostitute unless his business is running a prostitute ring. If he is a pimp, he wouldn’t pay her by check, and as her pimp he wouldn’t pay her for sex, no less want sex from her.
It is more likely a gift or loan for someone who needs help.
In any event, talk to him.
Wiz
December 7, 2009
Question: I met this guy last March at my job. When I first met him, I brushed him off, but he didn't give up and asked me out a couple of weeks later. We had fun, but since I had just gotten that job I didn't want to date anyone there. Two weeks after our date I got relieved of that job. I was just a temp so I wasn't surprised. After that we went out about 3 times per week. I made him wait for over a month for sex, and wow, was it wonderful.
I met his mom after two months. I went to his sister’s wedding as his date and went to his sister's baby shower and the birth. Our families are even from the same hometown and know each other. His grandmother dated my grandfather back in high school. It was crazy!
But lately the calls have been slim, the textings have disappeared, and he never has time to do anything. He hasn't taken me out since September. I took him out for his birthday last month. Other than that he calls me over to his house once a week to watch movies. Recently, he moved in with his friend in this huge condo. His friend is lonely with no car, so he always wants him to drive him places, or play Madden with him, or go to TGI Fridays. He keeps telling me to be patient and he's not messing around. He says with me it is like going to church: he wants to go, knows he needs to, but something else comes up and he changes his mind and goes with his buddies or what have you.
I told him I'm he's pushing me away. He says he wants me in his life and he can give me this great life when his business starts running. All I see right now is that this attitude will never change and he doesn't want me to go anywhere. I'm just fed up with the neglect. I really felt like he was it. We were in our mid 20s and I think we are too old to play games. Should I let him go?
ANSWER: A guy wouldn’t invite you to attend a baby shower if he didn’t like you a lot. From the facts you tell, it is likely he had enthusiasm and energy to spend with you. However, the recent details suggest he has lost interest. If dating you is “like going to church,” you’ve got problems, because in no way in heaven or on earth should dating you be like going to church!
Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him you feel neglected. He should be able to schedule fun dates with you at least twice a week. If he can’t, or won’t, make him realize how badly he needs you. Do that by doing something else. When he asks you over to watch movies, tell him you can’t because you are going out. Then go out with friends and have a good time with them. If, after you have disappointed him a few times, he doesn’t pursue you and express some frustration, he is not interested. If he does, let him come back, but tell him he must give you more attention. If he is to date you, he must want to date you more than playing Madden, going out with a friend or guy room-mate, or just messing around.
Wiz
November 29, 2009
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for three years already and recently was our first time of being together. After we had it he wants us to do it constantly and now he asked me to **** ** *****. I really don’t want to. I would feel dirty and he knows I don’t like that stuff. I feel pressured and insecure. My friends are telling me to leave him, but he is super sweet but then again he kind of forces me to do things. Please help me.
ANSWER: A guy who “kind of forces” you to do things you don’t want to do is not sweet. You should not do anything you do not feel comfortable doing. Tell him so. If he does not listen and agree, you should do as your friends say and leave him.
Wiz
November 25, 2009
Question: I have a problem. I don't like my boyfriend. He is ugly and stupid. And he smells not so good.
ANSWER: For whatever reason, if you don’t like your boyfriend stop calling him a boyfriend. End the relationship. Find a boyfriend you do like.
If it takes time to find a new boyfriend, still dump the one you do not like. You will be happier without a boyfriend than trying to like someone you don’t like. A guy you don’t like should never be a boyfriend unless you change your mind and decide you do like him.
Wiz
November 4, 2009
Question: Wiz, Lately I have been feeling a bit insecure about my feelings toward my boyfriend. He is a very sweet guy. At the beginning of the relationship I found his quirks cute, but now I just find him annoying. I am a busy girl, work can get demanding, but yes I always found time for us being together. Lately he is also working a lot, and he travels much. Oddly, when he travels I feel relief. I like that space.
He reminds me every day how much he loves me. We barely fight. He never really gives me any reason to dump him. Actually, he is caring and loving, but I am not feeling it. I need some help. He is super nice and sweet. I would not like to hurt his feelings. I have tried to keep distant so that HE dumps me, but it is not working.
I have hinted to him that I want to settle down, the need for someone more established. You see, he is into the arts industry. I am a financial type, office type. At the beginning our differences were interesting, now I feel worlds apart. I just fear that a direct approach can crush him. I don´t want that.
ANSWER: Hinting that you want to settle down might only cause him to try to settle down with you. Dumping is always better using a direct method of communication, which is more difficult, yes, but more efficient and in the long run healthier and fairer to the one getting dumped.
If you find it impossible to talk to him directly with honest (though hard-hitting) news, another way, hardly ever recommended by the Wiz, is to fix for yourself a hard-line schedule that excludes him. In this way, you will not call him, and when he contacts you for a date, you turn him down because of your schedule. Begin with smaller lengths of time and expand it in small increments until he gets the message and stops calling, or confronts you with questions about why he can’t see you. Then it should be easier to get to him the message because he will already know or strongly suspect what it will be. He will not like this method any more than the direct communication that you think may crush him. He will feel cheated by your delay and lack of courage to be up front with him in the beginning. However, if you realistically believe the slow, agonizing method recommended here is better because the swift, direct method will crush him, go ahead.
Wiz
October 27, 2009
Question: Was pretty good friends with this guy and he started to like me and I sort of felt the same. But out of fear of ruining our friendship, I said I really like him. He asked me out and again out of fear I said yes. I am really good friends with all his friends and he is really good friends with all my friends. He is a really nice guy, but I like someone else too, and that other guy likes me too. Also I am not physically attracted to the guy I am dating AT ALL, but he is really attracted to me. I really want to go out with the other guy, but I don’t want to ruin my friendship with my current boyfriend and all my other friends, who I am sure will take his side. Also it will look fishy if I dump him and go out with the other guy. How do I dump my current boyfriend with out ruining anything?
ANSWER: Every time you date him you will lead him to believe you like him enough to date him. The truth is that you don’t like him enough for dating and you have another guy you are interested in.
As difficult as it may seem, you must be honest with your friend and tell him he is a great friend, a friend you want always to have, and you do not want to date him for that reason. Don’t tell him you are not attracted to him – no need to do that. Be very clear that you want to be friends always – and if you date him, and then some day you dump him or he dumps you, you won’t be able to go back to being friends. By just staying friends, you can enjoy him and his friends for a long time, without worrying that it will fall apart.
Whether or not he understands, you must understand the importance of not leading him into believing you can be more than friends.
If his friends take sides against you, they are being silly. Everybody knows that dating is different from friendship, and a decision not to date him does not mean, in any way, that you are not a good friend to him and to his friends. If they don’t understand that, they are not good friends.
Date the guy you are interested in.
Wiz
October 20, 2009
Question: Hey, My boy is very sweet. Maybe too sweet. He gives me presents all the time and he calls me every morning. Now he wants money from me, but I don't have money! Maybe it's a loverboy.
Should I dump him?
ANSWER: You mean, maybe it’s an all-over-boy.
Wiz
October 17, 2009
Question: Hi, Wiz, Well I’m back again for your advice. I wrote to you first on December 17 and 28, then again on July 27, 2009. I have had problems! One night my boyfriend and I were fighting. We do argue a lot. We never agree on anything. Well, he was drunk and calling that same ex-girlfriend! (We are engaged; he gave me a promise ring; we really haven’t set a date yet.) He was using his phone calling and texting as we were fighting. I was trying to get my kids asleep. I hate fighting in front of my kids. He got mad and broke his phone. We made up.
The next day I get a text from his ex-girlfriend telling me “you need to tell your man to leave me alone!” I texted back, “When did he call?” She texted last night, “Call me if you want to talk.” I called her. We talked about him. She forwarded all his texts and had me call her voice mail. He left seven messages. I listened to them all. He was telling her he missed her, he loved her, and he wanted her to answer. He said he was going to her house and he loved her. It really hurt to hear him say he loved her. Well, I packed his stuff when he was at work and tried to make him leave. We made up.
Well, recently we got into another argument and I kicked him out. I knew he would call her, so I texted her asking if he called her. She texted back asking, “Why are you asking? You know that answer. Besides, you will always take him back. He will never change. Even if I tell you, you will believe him and live in denial.” She also said that is the reason why he treats me like that, because no matter what he does to cheat or hurt me, I still take him back. She said, “That’s why he doesn’t respect you. That’s not love.” She also asked me why I hang on to him, out of habit, fear of being alone, or is it because I don’t want anyone else to have him? She basically told me that it was my mess, my man, my problem, and he and I BOTH really need to leave her alone!
I found that VERY rude! I texted her telling her she was psychotic, pathetic, and immature. I told her I was not going to listen to her because she was just jealous and had other motives. She laughed and said, “Motives like what? To be treated like his doormat?” I told her she needed to seek help for her mental health issues.
He and I were working things out. We both got a text from her telling us to leave her alone and stay in our miserable merry-go-round relationship. She said we both feed off drama and deserve each other. I called the police to get harassment charges put on her, but they said I couldn’t because I texted her. We are working things out.
Please help?
ANSWER: If you and your boyfriend succeed in “working things out” so you don’t argue in front of the children and learn to enjoy each other without fighting, hooray for that.
His ex-girlfriend is right in not wanting communication from her ex and from you. No rational reason exists to involve her in your relationship. He should leave her alone and so should you.
Now the Wiz reviewed the questions and answers of December 17 and 28, 2008, and July 27, 2009.
He broke your nose. Don’t be a glutton for punishment. Listen to his ex. Listen to the Wiz.
Wiz
October 14, 2009
Question: Hello, I am junior in high school. One of my best friends has a friend. I'll call him B. Whenever we all spend time together, B is really polite and loves to laugh and wrap his arm around me and makes funny faces. He's really sweet and I can tell he wants me around by the things he says, and the way he jokes around. He's not obnoxious or overly flirty or anything, just a real gentleman, and he pays for me and everything. It's weird because whenever I see him, we just hit it off and have a blast! But I don't see him very, very often, and I honestly feel even after all the good times we have and how close we get and enjoy each other's company, it will never ever lead to anything more. It's kind of let-downish. I don't know, but I love being his friend. But it's hard to just always subtlely flirt with a friend and have a sincere relationship that won't become anything more. Do you think he kind of likes me at all as more than a friend, or has thought about it? He cares for me so much when we’re spending time. It's crazy. Extremely mixed signals. :/ what do I do? (Don't know if this is even a question with an answer really, but thank you for listening.)
ANSWER: He probably has thought about it. If he is interested in something more than friendship, he should take a next step and ask you to go some place with him. Perhaps this has already happened, but nothing more came about. If he asks you to spend time with him, say yes, so you can move on to a dating relationship.
If he hasn’t made such a move, he may feel uncomfortable about it, either because he is inexperienced, already dating another girl, or thinks so highly of you he is afraid you will reject him after which he’ll not enjoy your company as a date or as a friend any more.
You say you have flirted with him in subtle ways. Try being less subtle next time. If you know you will be with him at a certain time, find a public event scheduled for a date soon afterward. Then, when you are with him, ask him if he would like to go. If it requires tickets, buy them in advance so you can tell him you already have tickets.
If that doesn’t work, he isn’t ready, for whichever reason. If he is ready, it should work.
Wiz
October 11, 2009
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for five months. We are both 29. Currently I am doing my grad studies full time. My parents do help me out. Yes, I am a lucky one, for I am not working.
My boyfriend has been out of a job lately. During the first couple of weeks when we started dating, I usually paid up. I was at my old job at the time, so I had extra income. We did not really go on fancy dates or anything. He never once told me to pay things up either. I offered, since I understood his situation. At the moment, since it was all nice and wonderful, I did not mind. The only time we did go out to fancy places, it was I that offered, since I could pay. He also did tell me he felt really bad about the financial situation he was in, and that he would pay back. In a very few occasions he did pay up for certain meals. Yes, he is having a hard time getting a job. The financial situation is very difficult. I am also feeling it. He had to sell his car because of financial troubles, so most of the time I go and pick him up. At first it was okay, but lately all this has been bugging me. I feel I keep making all the efforts to be with him, to be understanding. I do have to juggle with grad school time and still give time to him.
This past two weeks he finally got a temporary job. I understand he will not earn that much, but it is something. Now he never has time. I decided not to be all over him, so I gave him his space for his new job. He does ask me nicely to go visit him to his work place, during his breaks, tops 1-2 hours. He forgets to call me. We never seem to find US time. He honestly does not seem to care. If he does, he hides it very well. He tells me he wants a future, that he is deeply in love with me, and that he never wants to leave me. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I do love him. He actually is a very nice guy. He has never treated me wrong. We do get along great as friends too, but being very cerebral here, he is not financially stable. He offers me the moon and stars, but only in words. I am also living as a student, so I am also not stable financially. I feel money is taking a toll. I have not said anything to him. We fought once over money, and well, I did tell him that if he wants to get married I need financial stability, other wise I am fine as I am. I am feeling quite insecure with my relationship. The men I have been with before all have been financially stable, and well so have I. This is the first time I am undergoing this. I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: He says he loves you and you say you love him. Your finances present a challenge to your relationship. A lack of funds requires that he work, even if a temporary job, to earn some cash, and that reduces time he has for you. As a grad student you must keep up with your studies, and that requires time away from him. It is hard to keep a romantic relationship in the face of no money and restricted times together.
If you both truly love each other, the idealist will say that you will pull through, whatever the hurdles that lay before you now and in your future. Your love will overcome everything. The realist will agree that some people in love can overcome everything, but most cannot.
Keep in mind that your finances are likely to improve. When you finish grad school, opportunities will arise for a steady income. If your guy is ambitious and works hard, in whatever field his has skills or expertise, he will do better in time if he persists. You both have good reason to keep your financial hopes alive.
Your relationship is only five months old. You both still love each other. When he gives you the moon and the stars, in words only, this is okay if he feels it. Share your feelings for each other, as it appears you do. You can fuel your emotional hopes for each other with your feelings.
Find time to be with each other every day, even if just for a while, to share your feelings and talk about your hopes. This time together is more valuable than any “fancy” date that costs you money. Your financial security will come in time. The security in your relationship is your mutual love for each other.
Wiz
October 9, 2009
Question: Hi, I have always been very careful when it comes to relationships, but recently I found myself falling in love with this guy I met on a popular networking site. To say the truth, I think he likes me, but usually I like it when my guy calls me. But he wants me to do the calling every time, and this makes me feel like I am throwing myself on him. I am so in love with him, but I think my attitude is driving him crazy. For real I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: You should be able to call him whenever you like, but only when you like. He is unreasonable to tell you that you must always call him. That is kind of dumb, isn’t it, to say, I won’t call you – you must call me? Oops. That is what you are saying too. I won’t call; you must call me.
The answer is that both of you should be calling each other. This is not a science class where we count every drop in the test tube. This is a fun affair where you enjoy each other’s company. Impulsive calls, from you to him or from him to you, should be the rule of the day. No need to keep count.
If he never calls you, that is a sign of a lack of interest. If he says he wants you to call him sometimes, that should be fine. It is a two-way street. It is a telephone wire that takes traffic in both directions. It a wireless age where transmitting signals travel in all directions, quickly, accurately, and spontaneously.
If he insists, “No, I must have a one-way communication system where you call me every time,” this guy’s mind is on a one-way street and should be dumped.
Wiz
October 8, 2009
Question: Okay. I've dated this guy for a year and a half. I LOVE HIM and I've always done that. But the situation is complicated. We are in the same school and he is in his last year, getting ready for college. I am a year younger. The problem is that he is ALWAYS studying (I understand that) and when he is not studying he is with his friends. He ignores me at all times and says he wants to spend more time with his friends because after they all leave school he won't see them again as he used to. And that's cool, because I understand he will miss them, but a year ago we used to talk every day. He used to come to my house on weekends and spend time with me in school. And now he doesn't talk to me, doesn't call me, doesn't come to my house EVEN on Saturdays, and he barely texts me. I've talked to him and told him what I feel and think. I think he doesn't love me as he used to and he says that deep inside he knows he loves me more than he used to before, but now he's thinking more about college and his friends. I've also told him that I want to spend more time with him, but I don't want him to do something he doesn't want to. And he has admitted he DOESN'T WANT TO. So I asked him: Then, why are you with me? And he says he likes to be with me, but he doesn't want to be an adornment. I want someone who REALLY wants to be with me. I've also told him that he maybe won't see his friends anymore when the year is over, but he won't see me either if things are still like this, because I can't deal with this anymore. It hurts too much. He says he will try and I THINK he is trying. We talked about this on Saturday and today is Thursday. On Tuesday he asked me to talk a while after school but I couldn't. I had to go home. And yesterday he wrote me a letter. It's not actually a letter, it is like a paper with like 20 words on there. And you know what? He doesn't say “I love you” anymore. Now he says “I want you.” What does that mean? Should I dump him? I love him more that anything.
ANSWER: You don’t have to dump him. You still love him and want him in your life. You want more of his time and you want his attention to rise up to the level you had before.
However, signs exist that he is not thinking of you at the same level. If he were truly interested in you, like he should be if he loved you, he would not put studying, college, and friends ahead of you. He “wants” you because he likes to be with you – probably because he likes to be liked. Unfortunately, your question suggests that he has put you far down on his priority list. That is a strong sign of a waning moon, a crumbling of the cookie, a wearing down of the bone and marrow of your relationship. Forgive the Wiz for this goop. To be more direct and scientific, this is a litmus test demonstration of a decline or reduction of his interest in you.
A note of hope is the fact that he has not dumped you. Three possibilities can explain it. 1). He is a wimp when it comes to dumping you. He is afraid of the consequences – like hurting you – and he hopes that you will dump him. 2). He is unsure of how much he likes you and keeps the relationship alive until he is sure of what he wants to do. 3). He really does love you and will come through for you when he is more confident about whatever it is he is thinking.
The Wiz thinks one and two are more likely – and worries that number one might be the right answer. Your best course of action: Be mindful that the relationship may end. Start learning how to accept that result, just in case. At the same time, because you love him, continue to try to encourage him to pay better attention to you by talking and engaging. Talking alone, however, is not enough. You should be on a date at least once a week where the two of you, alone, are enjoying each other, separate and apart from friends, family, school work, plans for college, or anything else.
Wiz
October 6, 2009
Question: I have been emailing and messaging this guy for about a week and at first I thought I found him attractive, but now I don't. Should I dump him? If so, how?
ANSWER: If you don’t find him attractive, you don’t feel comfortable to be with him, unless he possesses qualities so great in other areas that you overlook how he looks.
If you aren’t comfortable with a guy, dump him. It is a simple equation, and perhaps one of the most important criteria in any relationship. Always ask yourself: Am I comfortable with this guy? If the answer is no, dump him. The reason you are uncomfortable is not important – unless your reason is some kind of craziness that is so foolish it works against your best interests. That is quite rare however, because no matter how foolish it may seem to other people, if it isn’t foolish to you, it is probably not foolish.
Attractiveness is not a foolish reason.
Since your relationship with this guy has only been emailing and messaging, you have not really been dating. Send him an email that tells him you don’t want to exchange emails any more. You are not involved deeply enough to have to actually meet with him personally. Do not tell him he is not attractive enough. That would be mean and unproductive.
Wiz
October 5, 2009
Question: Okay, I wrote you just yesterday about this guy I've been living with. He doesn't work and I have to feed him and I forgot to mention he has no car so I also have to drive him around. We are both 29. If I break it off with him, I will have to pack his stuff in my car and drive him to his mother's house. It could get really uncomfortable, but like I said in the last message, he does not motivate me. I'm trying to do grad school and he wakes up at noon and does nothing but smoke cigarettes that I have to buy and mooches off me!
ANSWER: Well, it will be uncomfortable – but one bout with uncomfortable is better than a daily dose of uncomfortable. You should feel free and unencumbered. Instead you are tied down and burdened – in a rut. If you must be uncomfortable once, even if hugely uncomfortable, is not it worth your while to gain your sanity, peace, and freedom?
Another angle: You are 29. You are young enough to find a new guy – or go singly without a guy for a while, without losing too much time. If you stay with this guy, how much time are you losing? If you feel you have lost the last two years to one who does not contribute to your life, it is time to free yourself and move on. Then, if time goes by without him or anyone else, it is still better than a total loss.
You haven’t said you adore him and will miss him after he is gone. The impression is clear that if you haven’t been fully numbed by the experience, you will feel relief.
Wiz
October 4, 2009
Question: My boyfriend is living with me and although he helps keep the house clean, he hasn't worked in two years and provides no money. He says his chest gives him pain so he can't work, but he can smoke cigarettes while mowing the yard and drink beer and snort ritalin and other things. I think my health is worse because of his lifestyle. He sleeps in until noon. I don't feel that motivated around him. I just don't know what he's contributing to my life. He was gone for a week and I felt pretty good. I don't know how to tell him to leave without feeling bad though. Does he expect me to feed him and take care of him?
ANSWER: If you don’t feel motivated around him, he is in a rut and pulling you down into it. It’s been two years. Time to dust off the front step and boot him out.
Wiz
October 4, 2009
Question: Hi, I've been dating this guy for about a month. We actually met three years ago and he liked me then and asked me out, but I wasn't interested and told him no (mostly because I was shy and had never had a relationship before). I still saw him occasionally and we would chat for a bit here and there. Now three years later I am 29, still had not been with anyone, and so I decided to give him a chance. He is not of the same educational level as me and his English is not that great, but he is very sweet and hard working. He is also two years younger than me as well.
The problem is because of his job we never get to spend time together and the days that he has off he wants to spend it with his family. He lets me come along but I would like to spend quality time with him alone. He told me that he is very close to his brothers and he told me (indirectly) that any girl would have to understand that, otherwise it wouldn't work. I do understand it, but I still think that maybe he could give up one of his days off once in a while to spend only with me. I don't feel I'm asking too much. His family will always be there, so for the sake of pursuing a new relationship I think he could change his habits so we could get to know each other better.
As it stands, we see each other maybe once or twice a week mostly late at night after his work and he leaves in the morning. I feel I'm being used.
When I am with him and his family he ignores me, but pays a lot of attention to his brother's girlfriend (you would almost think she was his girlfriend!). He ignores me so much that the situation becomes almost embarrassing for me, as I swear his other family members notice this. I also found that he has pictures of his ex-girlfriend on his computer and they were coming up as a slide show! He told me that the girlfriend put them on there and he doesn't know how to take them off, and he swears they are not contacting each other now.
I think he only wants me around to say he has a girlfriend or to show me off or something. He tells me he loves me and he calls me everyday to see what I'm up to, but the conversations never last long.
I don’t know what to do because this other guy that I met on an online dating site says that he would like to meet up with me next weekend and he seems like he would be more suited to me for a long-term relationship. He's my age, same ethnic background, a professional, speaks English and is ambitious. Although he does live 45 minutes away, which would cause some new problems.
What should I do Wiz?
ANSWER: The guy has been going out with you only for about a month, but he can squeeze you into his schedule for about once or twice a week late at night – for quality time alone with him. That stinks, to put it bluntly.
Date the new guy. But recognize that dating someone you meet online has its risks and drawbacks, and might not work for you any better. But, Granny, Give Me an Apple-sack, if you lose this one, don’t go back! (Will you? Hopefully not.)
Wiz
October 3, 2009
Question: There is a guy I am dating. He is everything I look for in a guy. But I am so into him any more. Should I dump him or not?
ANSWER: Did you mean, “I am not into him any more?” If so, yes, of course. Dump him. Did you mean, “But I am so into him?” Don’t dump him.
If you are still into him a lot because he is everything you look for in a guy, but he now disappoints you, it is time for a dump.
Wiz
October 1, 2009
Question: Hi, I am in a relationship with a guy and like I like him, but I was thinking how I would feel if he dumped me or something, and I thought and I wouldn’t actually care. So does that mean I don’t like him? Plus, he's tiny, fat, and has loads of spots, and he always wants to kiss me and I don’t. So, what should I do??
ANSWER: Whether you like a guy enough to date is entirely a personal decision for you. It all depends on how much you like the guy and how comfortable and happy you are with him.
If you don’t want to kiss him, you don’t have to, and that alone is a sign that you do not want to date him. If you feel that you would not mind if a guy dumps you, that too is a sign that he is not right for you to date. Most people in a happy dating relationship do not want to get dumped for any reason, unless they are not fully satisfied in the relationship.
Neither of these things (the lack of desire to kiss him or not minding that he dumps you) mean that you do not like him. They indicate that he is not good guy for you to date. You can like someone and not want to date him at the same time.
Wiz
September 28, 2009
Question: Not a dump question, I’m afraid. Sorry but, okay, so I'm one of the people who is constantly in "the friend zone." Outgoing, but to the point where I become everyone's close friend. I just met this guy, and we’re casually friendly already. I don't like too many people and I kind of like him, but I don't flirt. At all. I'm getting to know him better and, I love to be friends, but for once I want to break out of that friend shell. I don't know how to approach this gently, or at all for that matter. How do I do this? Do I do this? Thank you for your time.
ANSWER: Yes, you should do it, and this is good for you. You can be scared, worried, cautious, uneasy, and all those other kinds of feelings that create angst and even dread. But the “friend zone” can get lonely, believe it or not, in its own way. Moving out of it is necessary for you to enjoy the many benefits of fun dating. Always there is risk – but risk comes with everything good. Think of it this way, “Life is risky. But I am glad I am alive.” Dating is risky, but you’ll be glad you’re dating.
You are already casually friendly. You will, therefore, have moments when he and you are near each other. When the next moment arrives, smile at him while you look at him straight in the eyes, even if you only engage in small talk. Your direct look at him in the eyes, with smiles, will send a subtle message (and it is not flirtatious) that you are comfortable and happy in his presence.
If he does not respond to that, he may be oblivious to it, or not interested, or already committed to someone else. But if he responds by smiling back, and similarly acting comfortable and happy in your presence, you can casually drop a hint that you both could do something together – like going to some event, or studying, or watching a movie. If he gets the hint (and almost all guys do), he will respond by agreeing with you, if he is not already committed. When that happens, you are all set. From there it should be easy, and a fun dating experience can follow.
The smile, looking at the guy straight in the eyes, is always a pleasant thing at any time, so it is always a good thing and easy, even if you are not interested in the guy. It opens doors, however, for guys who are interested in you. They should respond similarly, and that opens lines of communication that can lead to where you want to go, if you want to go. And, it does not require flirting or sexual advances. It starts with warm, friendly behavior, and graduates to dating as you go to places and do things together, without “friends” going along.
Wiz
September 25, 2009
Question: My boyfriend, live-in partner, is a coloured; I'm white. My parents do not approve of our relationship. He has a child, age 7, and he still has contact with the child's mother. He also has a history of sleeping with other girls. We are together now for two years and he is telling me that he is finished with his history. My parents know about his history. He does not want to go to them and discuss the problem.
ANSWER: Besides his race, your parents will be legitimately concerned about other important facts, like his having a child, and having a history of sleeping with other girls. If they want to discuss this with him, that is a reasonable wish, so they can assess his trustworthiness and they can gain confidence in your safety and happiness. However, it is also understandable that he does not want to discuss the problem with them, given that they do not approve of the relationship – especially if their main concern is his race.
Despite all of the above, assuming you are of an appropriate age, you must make your choice based on all that you know about him. If you are happy with him and if you have developed a healthy and rewarding relationship with him, isn’t that what really counts?
Wiz
September 23, 2009
Question: He plays games too much and that’s what he does every day all day. I need better.
ANSWER: Then go get better.
Wiz
September 15, 2009
Question: I've been dating this guy for six months and recently discovered his messages with his ex. They're rather flirtatious like "best friends forever," " I'd have to hate you if you were a lesbian," and "I love it when you talk dirty." There is no physical cheating involved, but it feels weird. In addition, this guy admits to going into random chat rooms and having cybersex. He says he could stop doing those things, feels guilty about them, and loves me very much. Should I dump this creep?
ANSWER: Let’s look at each of these messages. “best friends ever” is okay. It means he likes her, they didn’t break up with a total melt-down, and he is optimistic that he can be close friends with his ex. Okay, so far. The next message, “I’d have to hate you if you were a lesbian,” besides being strange, is bad for you, because the only reason he would not be happy with her being a lesbian status is so that he could not have sex with her. The third message, “I love it when you talk dirty,” is bad also, because he has no good cause to have her talk “dirty” to him, and it implies he would talk dirty to her (as most conversations are “two way” conversations).
Going to random chat rooms for cybersex could mean that he is horny, and that is probably okay, though a lot of guys take care of that problem other ways.
The wizard thinks this is creepy – for you at least. Yes, he could feel guilty about them, but probably only because you caught him. He could stop them all, but having done them, he is likely to do them again. If he truly loves you, it is a different kind of love. A good love is not so schizophrenic.
Wiz
September 12, 2009
Question: I’ve gone out with this boy four times now including this time and I don’t know whether I should dump him and move on completely from him and never go out with him again. Although I really love him, I understand why I love him because he used to like flirt with other girls, and he told me about a dream once where he broke up with me and went out with my best mate. He dumped me the first time and the second time, BUT the third time I dumped him. Do you think I should dump him this time although he promises he will change this time? He promised the same thing the last three times we went out. Should I trust him again? Help me please. I’ve been going out of my head.
ANSWER: No need to go out of your head. His dream was only a dream. Your best mate did not date him.
You have gone out only four times, and have had three dumps already!
Remember the code words that U.S. President Ronald Reagan used (and which he said he learned from the Soviets!): Trust but verify.
Go ahead and date this guy again because you really love him. For that reason, trust him, but verify. Watch and see if he is worth your expensive time. If he remains trustworthy, keep dating and have fun. If he disappoints, dump him completely.
Wiz
September 8, 2009
Question: A guy that I have been seeing claims that he isn’t ready for a relationship yet, but he does want to see me kissed my his best friend in front of me the other night who turned and looked right at me, I guess for the expression that I might have. I was having a great time with his best friend and it may have appeared that we were having more than just fun.
I am so hurt. When I followed my boyfriend outside it seemed that he was getting ready to leave with my best friend. She left and walked home. He said he was sorry, it meant nothing, but it seemed that I was more interested in his friend than in him. He then said that we are already in a relationship and then told me that he wasn’t going home with me as he was tired. He is confusing me, and now I’ve told off my best friend and blocked both him and her from contacting me and never want to talk to either of them again. I am more hurt and upset that my girl friend would do this to me.
ANSWER: You and your guy need another date, with no friends around, to reconnect by remembering the good times you have had with each other and to establish some new, good memories together. One good long date together, with a lot of fun, should be enough to build your dating relationship back to where it was – and possibly re-orient his thinking about a relationship with you.
Wiz
September 7, 2009
Question: I am 26 and he is 28 and we live together. But I am tired of being the only one worried about the bills. We are about to get evicted because he is not coming up with his part of the rent. Last month we spent two weeks in the dark because he lied about paying the light bill. I am trying to stick it out but I don't want to live this way the rest of my life.
ANSWER: You should not need to if you are not married.
It is not the scarcity of money to worry about. The bigger problem is his inability to share bad news with you and your inability to manage the problem together.
Financial strain can be a character builder that strengthens a relationship when you can climb out of it, and an overwhelming burden that destroys marriages when you can’t.
Wiz
September 6, 2009
Question: I would really appreciate some personal help in trying to get my ex boyfriend back. It actually just happened last night. Here's the story. I know it is kind of long but I would really appreciate your help:
This guy Z and I have known each other since we were seven but have only ever really been acquaintances until late July of this year when we reconnected as friends on facebook (we are both 23 years of age now.)
He invited me to come visit him so we could chat and catch up. We spent the entire night talking at his place. After that first night he expressed how much he enjoyed my company and that he would like to continue seeing me. This went on for the next two weeks or so and he wanted me to be his girlfriend exclusively, but he knew that he would be my first boyfriend and first guy kiss and everything (because in my past I have only dated women.) So, at first it was a hard decision for me only because of how new this is for me, but on August 14, 2009 we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. He told me that he sincerely loved me and that he was quite taken by me and really enjoyed my company. A day or so later he took my V card. He continued to talk with me, call me, text me and still tell me that "he thinks the world of me" and we still went out together.
However, about a week after this he becomes really distant and he doesn't text as much or call at all and he slowly begins to not answer any of my texts or return my calls. We did talk last Sunday and he said that it was because he was really busy and going through a rough time with a friend and I told him I understood and I know he doesn't know me too well yet to share everything with me yet but I am there for him.
But his shutting me completely out continued for the next week. So I began to really worry that he was just saying he was busy but he really had lost interest in me because he had time to go on facebook and say how great he is or has been doing but he doesn't have time to at least say hello and text or call me back. So I texted him at 9:00 p.m. that night saying we needed to talk. He texts me back at 10:00 p.m. saying, "So sorry but I can't right now." So I got frustrated and texted him saying, "Don't be sorry if you really aren't Z. If you cared at all you would make at least a little time for me. I know you said you're busy, but I think your actions are speaking louder than what you told me on Sunday." It was ten at night so I didn't understand why he couldn't just talk a little like we used to.
I also texted his friend (she was inviting me out to hang out with her and some other people) and I just told her "I don't think he likes me anymore." I just wanted to talk with somebody that knew him to see if he was okay. He found it completely inappropriate that I would try to go through his friends to reach him, but I meant no harm and was only trying to talk with somebody that knew him better that could give me some feedback. He also despised that last text I sent him because he thought I was implying that he was a liar and insisted that when he says he is busy and going through a rough time, he is. I honestly didn't intend to make him feel like I was calling him a liar. I just felt like there was more to him being distant than him just being busy.
So last night (it's been about a month) he calls me and basically says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me because I had become too clingy and wasn't giving him space. Also because he was my first boyfriend and kiss and everything he said he felt a lot of pressure from me. He told me that I was being erratic and my last text to him and his friend was not okay in his book. Also he thought I was moving too fast (but he was the first one to drop the L-bomb . . . he said he loves me) and he said he really meant it. So I didn't understand how now I was going too fast.
I acted exactly how one should not act in a break-up. I was crying on the phone and begging him to reconsider and that he didn't understand and that he should not give up so easily on us. This went on for about an hour and he told me, "If I have nothing more to say to him than try to convince him to stay with me, then he is going to hang up because this is not up for debate" and a few minutes later he hung up.
I blew up his phone a little after that, texting, "I couldn't sleep but I apologize sooooo deeply for how I reacted to what was going on, and would hope he wouldn't give up so easily. But I'm not sorry for having felt that way cause you really did mean a lot to me. So I was hurt and confused. It is also because I have met a lot of shady people in my past so it is hard for me to trust people's words. But I did tell you and meant that I trusted you and was comforted by you to open up emotionally with you. Just being completely shut out was hard for me is all." I continued to text him saying "...if this had happened later on in our relationship where I knew you more and understood you more I know I would have responded differently. But we were still just getting to know each other and I'm sorry to keep texting you and bugging you. I should probably save face and have a little dignity but I truly liked you, Z."
That was my last text to him, but I emailed him this morning saying, "I'm sorry. Hi, Z, I just wanted to sincerely apologize one last time for the way I acted in that situation. I wanted to email you so that my text wouldn't wake you if you were sleeping. I agree with you that I had become too clingy and was acting erratic, and you don't need that and I don't want to do that to you, and I don't like myself like that either. Deepest apologies. But I wish you well always. xo"
Just this morning he deleted our facebook pictures I had posted of us and he put in his headline, "Cutting loose and ready to shake my groove thing tonight." But he didn't delete any of the other girls' pictures that he's been with off of his facebook. I know this is quite immature to be worried about this, but I'm trying to read into why he is doing this. If maybe to just get a reaction out of me? Or have I lost all chances to reconnect with him?
So I don't know where to go from here. I am going to try my best to just give him his space now (although I feel like it's too late because he already said he would still like to be friends but we don't work in a relationship).
With all that has happened, can I still get my ex back to where we used to be a couple weeks ago? And when he told me, "I am quite taken by you and you're actually one of few girls that has made me nervous and really enjoy your company”??
I would really appreciate hearing back from you!
Thank You!
ANSWER: Your text is full of grace and dignity. If no chances remain to reconnect with him, he suffers a great loss. He seems to be a selfish young man out to please his own needs and you, vulnerable to his influence, fell victim. He is not a vulture. He is not rapacious, though in some respects he is predatory. He is not evil. He is immature and decided long ago to cast away those he grows tired of and he allows himself to grow tired of girls easily – all so he can cut loose and shake his groove thing.
You have no obligation to apologize so much. He owes you an apology. He should not have shut you off as he did and you deserved a better let down. The problem is that you believed his expression of love and concern for you, and you acted on it. He may have meant it when he said it but forgot it before the sun rose the next morning. In a week’s time, when reminded of what he said, he denied it in his own mind if not to you directly. His priority is fun and he has no appreciation for an intelligent, loving, young woman possessing many layers of beautiful complexities. You are too much for him. His expressions of care for you are platitudes – that is all. The depth of devotion he could give you is thinner than an onion skin. It could not bear the weight of a pebble, no less the profound love you could give him.
You intuitively knew this when you “felt like there was more to him being distant than him just being busy.” This is an eloquent expression of the truth.
If you remain attached to him in your heart, your best hope comes much later. You can make an effort to be friends and put the heartstrings down. A day will come when he will indeed value what he has lost. He will remember what happened and regret his imprudent decision to shut you out. However, for you, it may be years before he does so. Is he so great a human being that you will wait so long for him to grow up and understand? Better if you don’t. There are other guys who will see and appreciate your remarkably beautiful, strong, and rich personality.
Wiz
September 2, 2009
Question: I've been dating this guy for six months now. I see him everyday during the month, but come payday he just vanishes and comes back ten days after with an excuse. This has been happening for six months. And another thing, whenever I have to see where he stays he always comes up with excuses, but he comes to my place all the time.
ANSWER: You are a convenient companion for about twenty days, and an inconvenient bother for the other ten days of each month. This is no way to develop any kind of healthy, comfortable, and loving relationship. This has occurred throughout your entire relationship. Time to begin a new relationship with someone else.
Wiz
September 1, 2009
Question: I am way out of his league. But bored and lonely, I gave the underdog a chance and started to like him, and he acts as if he’s doing me a favor by dating me.
ANSWER: When a guy pretends to act like he is doing you a favor, most likely he is playing a role with a purpose. In such a case the guy is at least slightly (if not greatly) intimidated to be in your presence, but he does not want to grovel. He is afraid that some other guy (more in your league) will pick you up and take you from him. If he appears confident and, well, like he is doing you a favor, he thinks the other guys will perceive him to be the right guy for you and you will feel more right for him. It is a defensive measure to keep his ego sturdy and to hold on to you longer.
Do you feel he is worth dating? If he is, tell him so. If you build up his confidence, he should perceive less of a need to play confident.
Wiz
August 29, 2009
Question: He cheated. I stopped talking to him, but we’re still dating even though we don’t talk. But I love him and don’t want to hurt his feelings, and I’ll be so jealous when he gets with another girl.
ANSWER: Yes, your feelings matter also.
Wiz
August 25, 2009
Question: I don't have any feeling when I kiss him or see him. And I don't think he's pretty. But he is sweet.
ANSWER: A lot of guys are sweet. A lot of guys kiss with feeling. A lot of guys inspire your desire to be near them. A lot of guys are handsome and pretty. Very few are all of these at once.
When it feels right to you, and he reveals his vulnerability to love, he will be all of the above for you as you will be all of the above for him. That is when dating becomes selfless – not selfish – because while in love you give and receive. No one in love takes.
Wiz
August 24, 2009
Question: Okay, I've had a crush on this guy for a few years, but neither of us were single. Now we both are unattached and I find out that he has felt the same way about me. BUT . . . he is hot and cold with me, and all I really want is a friend with benefits, and we both agreed this is a good idea. He has kids and I’m not really ready to date anyone seriously. The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" keeps coming to mind. He says how badly he wants me and needs to see me, but doesn’t really do anything to make it happen. I don’t want to be as into him as I am . . . but I am. What do I do? This whole thing is new to me since I haven't been single for almost 10 years (I’m 35). I don’t even know the first thing about playing hard to get. Thanks!
ANSWER: He is not into you. He is into a frivolous fling – with benefits. If he truly had a crush on you, he would want more from the relationship. His crush was no more than a rush of lust. Playing hard to get is a way to inspire a guy to take action. It works when a guy wants you for something more serious and worries that he could lose you to someone else. When this guy seeks you out, he wants only to satisfy the “benefits” portion of an incomplete relationship. When you need satisfaction, or if you need anything more from the relationship, he will not satisfy you and you will stay wanting. He won’t suffer emotional loss or pain without you.
This is not a good way to find happiness.
Single? Mingle. At your age you need not worry about playing hard to get. Find a guy who offers more than lust for a fling with a thing. The guy you find should be single and ready, willing, and able to enjoy the “benefits” and at the same time desire to invest time and energy into you as an indispensable companion.
Wiz
August 20, 2009
Question: Well, let’s start off by saying I know this guy and we met like a month ago. We started talking to each other, got to know each other on facebook. He added me and straight away gave me his address and number. We were talking on msn that same night and found out we live right next to each other. So he was going out for a fag and I go to him to come outside my house. So he did and I was on the phone to him. It was raining as well, but he still came. We spoke to each other all night and the next day we linked up. We were with each other for like a few hours. We kissed and that so yeah. And when I came home I went on his facebook and saw that he has a relationship with a girl. So I asked him is this true? And he goes, yeah. And I go to him, so why did you link me and why did you kiss me and that? So he goes, I’m not actually checking her, I'm only with her because she likes me so much, but you know what? I am going to leave her now. So I go to him, you can’t do that. That stinks because the only reason he was going to leave her is because I got vexed that he was talking to me and linked me whilst he was already in a relationship. So then we just ignored that and carried on chatting.
His gal is from abroad from where his parents live. He just came where I live for like a few months and he had to go back in a month because his parents are ill. He didn't end up saying anything to his gal, maybe because I told him not to, but then since that day we were on the phone all day and night. We just never were off the phone. We linked each other every day. In two weeks he was going back abroad for a very long time. When he were here I kept calling him a player and he showed me on his phone, “Look, I’ve not been with her for long, it’s only been few weeks, and he showed me the date on his phone. I trusted him so I left it.
We used to link every night whilst he was here and spend couple of hours together. When it was my birthday, he was the first to wish me well and he also came specially to say happy birthday to me that night after midnight for like five minutes. Whenever we used to link he used proper care about me to make sure I am not cold and gave me his jacket to wear. He used to freeze but make sure I was not cold. I used to tell him to wear his jacket but he never used to listen and shout at me to wear it.
Once he goes to me, he doesn’t want to go back abroad because he met me now. Then it was time for him to back abroad and he got vexed at me the night before because I couldn’t go see him before he was going abroad, and he was shouting at me and what not. The next day when he was leaving I linked him for like two minutes, just a hug and that, and he told me to take care of myself and that, and then he was leaving to go the airport and he rang me when he got into the plane. And that was the last we spoke to each other.
Later on that night I went on his facebook and checked his older posts. I don’t know why but I did, where I saw comments and stuff from him to his gal and his gal giving him comments – and the comments where saying how much he loves his girl and that. So I texted him saying you did not have to lie to me. If you love your gal just say so. I’ll leave you alone, but you didn’t have to talk to me and that. So he read it when he reached abroad and he got vexed at me and he goes to me, I explained to everything but you are still bringing this topic up again. But then again you can believe what you want. So I go to him, you don’t need to get vexed. Just explain to me and I’ll understand. So he texted me back saying, when I read that text I actually smashed a window, and he said that you know what? Don’t wait for me. Just do what you want and believe whatever you want, because when he left I promised him I would wait for him.
After that things where back to normal and we were talking online. And after that I then rang him abroad, spoke to him twice, and we must have spoke much more online after. He always rang me like twice. Just recently like even yesterday he rang me, but I seriously don’t know what to do. I do like him, but I don’t know whether I should wait for him or not. He’s going to be there for two years? I don’t know if he likes me or whether he likes his girl?
When he was abroad he goes to me, you answered one question wrong. And I go, what’s that? And he goes, when I asked you would you move abroad with me you go, you never would. So I am like, no, I go, if I have to I will. So he goes, I’m serious about you but I would have been more serious if you would have moved. Your personality is really nice but the heart is weak. And even now when I check his facebook he sometimes has some love comments to his gal. So I don’t know what to do. Can you help me, please? I don’t know if I’ve missed out on anything that I meant to have right, but for now it’s just that.
ANSWER: You met only a month ago. You are not missing out on anything. He is abroad too often for you to develop a healthy, rewarding relationship. Don’t wait for him. Find someone who does not flirt with another girl on Facebook while he flirts with you. You need someone who is able give you more attention. If you don’t find someone else and he comes back and wants to see you, make a decision about that then. In the meantime, you might find someone else who is better for you.
Wiz
August 12, 2009
Question: I have met a guy over the net last two weeks back. He proposed to me. It has been almost three weeks since we went for a relationship. He always expresses his love for me. He says he loves me a lot. But the thing is that he contacts me rarely. But whenever he does, he keeps on expressing his feelings for me. I don’t understand why he contacts me so irregularly. Is this because he is cheating on me? Or am I playing the second one in his life? How to understand? Please help me! How am I going to understand whether he really loves me or not? Whether he has someone else in his life other than me?
ANSWER: It is too easy for him to say he loves you. Love is determined by action, not what is said. You need a relationship over time with him – not on the net – at places and times where and when you look at each other in the eye, caress, and delve deeply into each other. Meet his soul, get to the kernel of his being, then you will know whether he loves you.
Frankly, no guy loves a girl he met on the net two weeks ago. Most guys who say they love you – and propose to you – over the net are nefarious, dangerous characters looking for weak, needy, vulnerable girls they can overtake and control.
Wiz
August 10, 2009
Question: Okay, this guy asked me out two weeks ago, and I had to go away for three days. When I came back, he said we should break up because of school and then I find out from my friend that he has still been seeing this girl for like months, and he also tried to get my friend. I need to tell him off. What should I say????
ANSWER: He’s playing the field. He obviously was attracted to you and other girls as well. He wanted a date and couldn’t wait three days – because he had others to choose from and didn’t want to wait for you. All that means is that you were not any more special to him than the others. He was acting on impulse to fill his need for a date.
Telling him off is futile. It won’t bother him, except that he’ll know you won’t be on his future list. If you talk to him at all, you will give him more attention, and that might cause him to ask you out again. If you really don’t want to date him, and if you really want to get a message to him, the best message is silence. Ignore him.
Wiz
August 6, 2009
Question: PS: I have another question. Sorry to bug you. Is there any point to chasing a guy? I’ve been playing hard to get for so long now I feel like it's a routine! Don't guys find it unattractive to be pursued by a woman?
I guess I can make one phone call to this guy but that would probably be it.
ANSWER: Some guys love it. Some guys have mixed feelings because they don’t know how to deal with it. Some guys can’t stand it. The Wiz thinks most guys don’t mind either way.
Wiz
August 6, 2009
Question: I've been writing a few times and I'm sure you understand my story is somewhat ridiculous. Question though, is it possible to win someone’s heart back after ending it? I think I hurt this person. I finally attached my email here....hm, I made a mistake and I want to take it back. I feel ridiculous!
ANSWER: Balderdash! You are not ridiculous and your original question was not ridiculous. What is ridiculous is you thinking you are ridiculous.
Is it possible to win back the heart of a guy you dumped? Yes, but only if he still likes you.
Wiz
August 6, 2009
Question: Ok, not so much dumping advice. I will be a junior in the fall and I've liked the same person for the past 2 years. Usually I'm humble and I don't share who I like with others, but a new friend pulled and pulled and finally got it out of me. I didn't think it was a big deal because I trusted her. He seemed so friendly with me and we were becoming friends and I was happy and then, he found out. It was the most awkward half a year of my life. And then, it went away. But we never got to be AS close, but we still talk.
Apparently, two years ago he told my friend he didn't feel the same, but he wants to be friends! Ugh, I was cool with it. I'm easy going. I was trying to forget it, make him forget it. But I couldn't forget it. He kept guessing my name when he found out 'someone' liked him. And I don't make it obvious at all, believe me. And I don't know, he always seems to smile when he looks at me, and he's sweet and he'll always say hello first and it's cool now. And he trusts me with his personal life and, I don't know, I think I should just drop it.
It's been long enough but everyone else is immature and close-minded. I don't know, I need help! I sound obsessive, but I'm not. I just keep everything inside and I think I should stop liking him because his “no” wasn't convincing like the other girls he's “no”-ed. Plus, he didn't tell me no personally. And he was only shy around me, not others. I don't feel like he likes me, but something in me says, yes? It's weird and I want to drop it. What do I do? Thank you so much!
ANSWER: If he is shy around you and not others, his “no” was not a convincing “no,” and he didn’t say no to you but to someone else, and something inside tells you “yes,” these are all good signs that justify a hope that he might be in your future. It has been two years, though, and time keeps ticking.
Your close feeling for him is not obsessive, even if it has lasted for two years, because you have not tested it. You have not had the relationship with him that could answer the questions you need answered to determine how close you want to get to him. The only way to end it, and be true to yourself, is to not be shy around him. Give him some not-so-subtle hints – just like what he has done for you – always smile when you look at him, be sweet, and always say hello first. Respond to his positive approaches to you with the same positive attitude. If he is ready to ask you out, he will.
Wiz
August 6, 2009
Question: PS: I emailed you yesterday. I am not sure what I included. I wanted to say I acted very irrationally with this person. First stood him up (well it was 11) but I could have just said let’s reschedule. Then he phoned and apologized the next day and I didn't return his call until 5 weeks later. This was really crappy and I don't know why I did it and I wish to mend it now! On the other hand I must tell you he's not an angel and waits like 2 or 3 weeks to phone me!
ANSWER: If he still harbors an interest in you, follow your wish to mend. If he has moved on to “greener pastures,” put this experience in your memory banks and move on.
Wiz
August 6, 2009
Question: Help me. I sort of dumped a guy by standing him up because he was a little late. He phoned the next day and asked me to call him and asked if I have time in the near future. He apologized about being late. Sunday morning I felt great and thought I will call him soon. Then I never called.
It was just casual and fun, but then I feel I played too hard to get and really acted psycho for ditching him and not returning his call. I was suffering from some sort of existential aloofness. Anyway.
It was a mistake. Six weeks later I texted him and said, “Didn't you get my message? Let’s get wasted,” which wasn't even my personality. Then two days later I send a second text saying I was just joking about the wasted part and we should hang out soon. Hugs.
No reply. He was sort of intrigued with me and we had a lot of fun and he said so himself. Can I try a few more texts or phone? I actually haven't phoned.
This all seems wrong because I always play hard to get. Now to go chasing him feels odd.
I feel he deserves an apology?
ANSWER: Existential aloofness. This is quite an entertaining diagnosis. The remedy is a dose of Ayn Rand. She espoused egotistic rationalism. You don’t need to become an “objectivist” or Ayn Rand follower; you need only take a dose – learn to think for yourself as a rational being, and act on it, and dismiss the altruistic feelings of concern for the guy you “sort of dumped.”
In answer to your question, he deserves an apology if you want to try again to date him. If you liked him enough to want him back, you should apologize and keep trying to get him back. More texting or phone calls is fine. But do not over-do it. If he continues to ignore you, or if he responds with something like “go away,” understand that he has already moved well past the event that you apologized about.
If you play hard to get and succeed in not being got, don’t be surprised if the guy who did not get plays hard to get when you realize what you haven’t got.
Wiz
July 27, 2009
Question: I recently busted my boyfriend of five years in contact with his ex! I looked on his phone one morning when he was out very late (he creeped in that early morning). I looked on his phone and saw his ex's number! He totally denied it and said she was calling him. I think it was the other way around. He and I split up. He moved out of state, then we got back together. So he has changed his number many times. How could she have got his number?! Her number has always been the same. I want to know the truth. He said there is nothing to tell and he proposed to me! We are now engaged. I have caught him over the past five years calling her and when we see her out – he just stares at her. I really don’t know what to do! He is 16 years older than me and already has an ex-wife with 4 kids, an ex girlfriend with a son, and we have a baby boy together, and then there is her – the ex. This woman told me to f-off when I texted her asking the truth. What should I do? It was his idea to change our phone numbers and we are going to get married soon. I know his ex doesn’t like me . . . but I want to know, am I doing the right thing? I have busted him so many times calling her. I know she has gone on but why does this keep happening? I heard her tell her friend she would never be with someone like my boyfriend because she knows how he is. He stays out late sometimes coming home at weird hours and smells funny. I need your help??!!
ANSWER: Of course, the Wiz knows nothing about this person other than what you put into your question. A good decision must be based on knowledge. You must make the decision, and to make it a good one you must base that decision on your knowledge of this guy. Five years into a relationship with him should be sufficient time to know him well, and probably to know more about what he is doing when he goes out late at night. The Wiz can only react to facts you tell.
This guy seems to have too many allegiances to other people. A relationship with him will likely entail huge risk on his allegiance to you. He was married to his ex wife. He at one time presumably loved her and he still interacts with her. Four children were born to him with her. That many children will necessarily create a huge demand on his time and money commitments. He sired another child with an ex girlfriend. That makes five children in two different homes and mothers. If that were not enough, he now has a sixth child with you, a current girlfriend. That adds up to three mothers and six children in three homes. This is a man who would re-populate the world if he could stay young enough long enough. No human being can be a good father to so many children in three different homes and be a good, loving companion for you, if he is going out late at night (without you), doing things you don’t know about, and eyeing another ex girlfriend.
The whole thing smells funny.
Whew, enough said. Good Luck.
Wiz
July 26, 2009
Question: I have a friend who says, "I want to fall in love and remain in love for a long time before I marry. If the relationship does not materialize, at least my biological needs will be met." I feel no one should approach a relationship since the least you can get from it is physical gratification. Am I alone in thinking so?
ANSWER: She says she wants to “fall in love for a long time” before she marries. That sounds okay, because she will have the joy of a good dating relationship, even if it does not materialize into a marriage. What she must remember, and be prepared to do, is get out of the relationship when she no longer feels she is in love. Never stay in a relationship just to satisfy “biological needs.”
You are not alone in thinking that physical gratification is not enough to sustain a valuable relationship. Most people agree with you on that premise. Some people lose sight of it and get lost in sexual lust, thinking wrongly that sex somehow frees them from social or moral constraints. Some engage in a purely physical relationship just because they want it, but fix in their minds that it will be temporary, knowing it leads emotionally to nowhere.
Any relationship, if driven by love, is worth the time and energy it requires, even if it does not materialize into a marriage. The disappointment at the end can be devastating. We all take that risk because love is fun and joyous. Sparks in the air fill your life with excitement and wonder until they fizzle out. So be it, and we move on. The hope and the realistic dream is to find love that doesn’t fizzle. It might change over time, but it need not fizzle out. So a long time relationship in love is a good thing – not to keep the biological needs met – but to inspire anticipation and hope that it will materialize into the real thing.
Wiz
July 21, 2009
Question: My boyfriend is so selfish. No matter what I do, he never stops caring about himself. I want him to change. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you are young in a dating relationship, he might very well not care about you enough to bother. If so, you can’t change him, so dump him.
If, however, your relationship has lasted a long time, the advice that follows is more appropriately detailed.
Most people care about themselves a whole lot and nothing is wrong with that. If your boyfriend cares about you, however, he should show it naturally (that means, without having to try) and often. His care about you need not interfere with his care for himself. In fact, if he is paying attention, caring for you is a substantial part of caring for himself.
A guy can get lost in his world – thinking about work, sports, or goodness knows what else. If his girl has become a fixture in his life, enough so he doesn’t worry about losing her, he can become complacent in the relationship and focus his attention on other things of lesser importance. If he wants you around, he needs a reminder that you require his love and attention. If he doesn’t want you around, you need to find that out, and if that is the case, you cannot change him.
So, if he appears totally selfish and inattentive to your needs, one of two things is happening. Either he does not care enough for you to bother, or he cares a lot about you and needs a clear reminder that you need his love and attention. In neither case does he need to change; he is already what he is. You want his behavior to change, not him. If he loves you and realizes he has not been attentive, he should make decisions that will change his behavior. You will be happy again and he too will be happier. If he does not make decisions to change his behavior, worry about how genuine is his concern for you.
Wiz
July 19, 2009
Question: Okay. So I’ve been dating this guy named Will. We dated for a year and a half. Then I cheated on him and I broke up with him. I went on and dated my ex (the one I cheated on Will with). After about two months that ended and Will and I got back together. Then a week later he broke up with me for another girl. Then three days later he said he made a mistake and I took him back a week later. After about a month I broke up with Will because this wasn’t working because he was lying to me about talking to that girl he dumped me for. About two weeks went by and I took him back. Now were together and have been for about two weeks.
I really do love him and I know he loves me, but he is really controlling and neither of us trust each other. He also lives two hours away now and will be going to college, while I have one more year of high school. All he ever wants to do is have sex, and that’s not all his fault. I like sex too. LOL. But all we ever do is fight when he is home or on the phone. And he says we don’t have to have sex but yet he is always trying to turn me on so we will. I love him so much but things suck with us. Our sex life isn’t even that good. He’s not the greatest in bed. LOL. He also hides his text from me and deletes everything, which I do too, because I have been talking to my ex again.
I just need help!! I don’t know what to do!! Should I dump him? Or should I try and make this work because we both love each other?
ANSWER: Your relationship totally lacks fidelity. Consequently, you don’t trust each other, and apparently with good reason. A relationship without trust is fragile and likely to cause frustration and disappointment. When he is away at college, he is likely to find many more women interesting to him than his ex – and he is likely to do more than talk with them.
If the two of you want to keep it together, knowing that you don’t trust each other, you will both need to learn to accept infidelity. Your question does not suggest that either of you can do that. Staying together will require huge effort by both of you, and if both of you do not trust each other, both of you are not likely to sustain a commitment to keep together.
The Wiz suggests that you let his relationship die naturally on its vine. Go find another date who will share a commitment with you that will last.
Wiz
July 18, 2009
Question: I have been going out with this guy where I used to stay. I promised him that I will always love him forever, but it seems like it did not work that way. My family and I moved to another country. I started talking with this guy on the phone, then I got interested. I like him and I am scared that if I start going out with him he will cheat on me and make me feel the same way I am doing to the guy I promised. I am really confused. Should I dump my real boyfriend and start dating this anonymous guy or should I just move on with my life and hold on to the other guy I promised who I don’t see every day?
ANSWER: No promise to love forever is a real promise unless you get married, or make marriage-like commitments to stay faithful and live together. The guy to whom you made this promise cannot reasonably expect you to live by that promise after you and your family move out of country. Enjoy the new relationship you have begun. You are not cheating on the guy you made the promise to. That promise is ineffectual and of no reasonable value. No one reasonably expects you to live by it. You are living your life as you are entitled to do.
Whenever you date a guy, he might cheat on you. That is always a possibility. If he cheats on other girls, you can expect the same treatment and that might cause you to avoid him. However, if you are not aware of such an unfaithful history, you must not let that cause you to worry or hesitate in dating him. If you let what can happen guide your life decisions, you will never do anything let alone succeed at anything. Be guided only by fact-based expectations of what will happen. Factually, you are interested in the guy. Unless you know some nefarious other fact, go for it.
Wiz
July 16, 2009
Question: Okay, so I have been dating this guy for a couple months. As soon as I mention we are kind of in neutral, and I’m looking for more, his response is that he is not in any place to be in one and that he is not over his past relationship, which I know nothing about. My birthday is next Wednesday and he told me that he is going to be on vacation all next week, that he sent me a birthday gift to my work, and that I'll like it. Really?? Why is he doing this, if he doesn’t want to be with me?
ANSWER: He is either befuddled (about something) or insecure about his age – as stated in the last advice to you of July 14. As much as he doubts himself, he knows how much you like him and does not want to give up your attention.
He wants to be with you, but confusion about himself, or his age-based insecurity, or both, hamper his ability to make an appropriate decision.
Remember, you are closer in age to his “kid” at age 20 than to him at age 43. This may contribute to his reticence.
He is doing this because he likes you and is not ready to lose you, but he is not ready to commit unreservedly. He is not a good choice for dating, unless you are patient and wait for him to figure it out, which could take a while. His half-hearted, confusing messages will continue until he figures it out – then he will take you into his life fully or he will let you go completely.
Wiz
July 14, 2009
Question: I recently started dating this guy (who is 43 and I am 29), and it’s been almost 2 months. He was married at a really young age and has a kid that is 20. He has not remarried since but has had multiple relationships in the last 10 years. One he said was for 4 years and ended over a decade ago but broke his heart. We have had a great time together. He came down to see me a week after we met and we had an amazing time and great chemistry. We talked every day since that date and he came down a couple weeks ago (he lives in Reno and I'm in Vegas) and again a great time. However, I could tell on the last night he was acting distant. Still we talked every day sometimes at nights for a couple hours and really got to know each other. He told me everything from his past, personal, financial, family, etc. We flirted every day via text or email before talking at night. Everything was "baby" this and "babe" that. We were "disgustingly cute," one would say, "so in love."
After I saw him two weeks ago there was no talk of seeing each other again (weird right?) I thought so. But he still would call me EVERYDAY. I never had to reach out to him. So I finally sent him an e-mail basically telling him I felt we were in neutral, not that I wanted something at full speed (BF-GF), but something a little more. Basically, what are we doing? Are we friends? Are we dating and we'll see where it goes? Most people make plans for the next week or so to see each other and not just have a "conversational" relationship.
He responded after saying he had to "digest" all of it and basically said that he likes me but that he is not over his past relationship. They don't talk or see each other anymore (obviously he was hurt). He made it known that she was my age too (why?). He said, "When I'm alone, I'm fine. When I'm spending time with you, I think about what I used to have. Probably way more information than you wanted." I was like WOW. So I replied with "thank you for your honesty," not expecting to talk to him again unless he realizes he had this great girl in front of him and he is the idiot that is 43 (supposedly wants to get married and have another kid) and is now all the sudden not open to "date" because he said, "not a good candidate for being in any type of relationship right now, although I wish I was." UH HUH. Really dude?
Anyways, since then (a week ago) he has still contacted me everyday, however only via text, telling me that he really does like me and that he is sorry, etc., and other things like how is my day, and small talk. What am I supposed to do? I really liked the guy. I think his ego took over and he thought I wanted to marry him or something. I just didn’t want to waste my time if he doesn’t see me as a potential person to date. Why waste each other’s time right? I don’t get him at all!!!
ANSWER: He is a mystery. If the dates are right, his relationship of four years predates his ten years of multiple (failed) relationships. Did they all fail because of his break-up with this other woman? If so, he is a confused mess. Not much of a candidate for a relationship right now, indeed, or never. But the Wiz thinks it is not as bad as that.
The fact that she was your age is irrelevant. His relationship with her started when he was 29 and ended when he was 33. He is now 43. To find logic in his thinking, one can surmise (and cannot be sure) that he feels handicapped by his age. He is fourteen years older now and hence not much of a candidate for a relationship with someone 29 years old. When he says, “When I’m spending time with you, I think about what I used to have,” he really means what he used to have as a young 29 year old man. He’s not thinking of the girl – he’s thinking of himself. If you ask him directly, he is not likely to admit so much in stark words – but this is a logical explanation.
The only other explanation is that he is a befuddled human being. If this is so, you should be seeing “befuddlement” in other areas of his life, like choice of career or employment, where he lives, how he spends his free time, and as well how he thinks about religion, politics, and life in general.
His persistence in communicating with you reveals that he likes you. You like him. One way to give him some room to maneuver, regardless of the cause of the mystery, is to say to him by text or otherwise the following: “You said you aren’t much of a candidate for a relationship right now. Okay, let’s not call it a relationship. I know I had fun with you. I know you had fun with me. Let’s just have some more fun. Call me.”
Whatever his insecurities, he should be capable of acknowledging that he had fun with you. With no commitments and no relationship, no reason exists for hang-ups to interfere. The fun you shared is a wisp of fresh air. Take another breath of it and enjoy the air for what it is, and for nothing more. Do not mention relationship, girlfriend, boyfriend, date, “something more,” or anything else. Take the pressure off by having some fun together, and only that, and see what transpires.
Wiz
July 11, 2009
Question: Since three years, we have been very good friends, and had a good understanding. Then he fell in love with me, and after our school days were over, he proposed to me a month ago. I said no, because I have always seen him as a friend, and don't have such feelings for him. After that, he quietly went away and refused to continue the friendship because, he says, "woh hume kisi aur ka hota hua dekh nhi paega." But now I quite miss him. He made me feel so special and beautiful. I know he loves me truly. I came to know that after my saying no he has been in depression since then. Should I call him back and say yes? The problem is that I can't think of him beyond friendship.
In short, my question is – Should you accept a person who loves you a lot, but you don't love him?
ANSWER: No, you should not. If he wants to revive the friendship, yes, but a romance is never a good romance with only one person in love. Do not try to resolve his depression by saying, “yes” to a proposal based on love if you do not love him. You will end up miserable and he will become more miserable knowing you do not really love him. Two miserable people together is a classic formula for a disastrous relationship – unfixable and forever a burden – and all of it unnecessary.
Wiz
July 10, 2009
Question: Okay, I've been dating a guy for three months now and everything was fine at the beginning. I told him from the start I was a single mother with kids, which he told me he didn't mind. We have great communication. We both talk about our past and he loves to talk about his every day activity, which I don't mind listening to him. We started seeing each other once a week on Fridays. I would go around 9:00 p.m. and either go to a club or watch a movie, then I would spend the night and go home in the morning. He would tell me he likes me a lot and I would feel like he meant it. As I started to like him more, I became more attached to him. But now I have strong feelings for him. He even told me that I love him more than he loves me. He plays sports every Sunday and has never invited me. When I asked why he said because of his guy friends and him not wanting them to disrespect me. Now it's like I see him once during the week and on the weekend. I hardly see him. Am I just wasting my time on him?
ANSWER: The most telling sign of trouble is his gutsy comment that you love him more than he loves you. If a guy really likes you, for fear of blowing it, he will never say he loves you less than you love him. He might say this if he wants to tone it down a little – that is, tone down your emotions or your expectations.
Cool it off. Find another guy or spend more time with your girl friends. See if his interest improves. If not, he’s more interested in his sports, guy friends, and maybe another girl. Whatever it is that captures his attention when you are not with him, it is not you. If a guy is “really in to you,” you will capture his attention even when you are not there. You’d be in his dreams – not just his bed on Friday nights.
That you are a single mom with children does not change this advice.
Wiz
July 7, 2009
Question: Been dating a nice guy for three months. He has so much baggage! Psycho druggie ex wife who's not an ex yet, who is moving back in with him, and who has tracked me down and left poop on my door with a nasty note, pregnant teenage daughter, too many dogs and cats to look after, and two other kids who don't even know about me. I know the answer, but how? He is in love with me!
ANSWER: Tell him like it is. “Honey, you’re a nice guy, but you’ve got too much baggage for me to carry.” Any guy with all that baggage would be in love with a woman willing to carry some of it. You are his bag lady – meaning, you will carry some of his baggage. It is too heavy and not worth it.
He will understand and should feel good for you if he really cares for you. He has played significant roles contributing to his circumstance. He must take the blame and bear the burden. You should neither take blame nor bear burden. He knows this. If he acts sad, or pleads with you to reconsider, his motivation is selfish and you should ignore it.
Wiz
July 7, 2009
Question: So, my ex and I still haven’t talked, and it’s been about three weeks. I'm doing pretty well with the moving on, thanks to being able to flirt with some other guys to distract myself and re-build any self esteem that might've been hurt. But this whole time, I'd get flashbacks of our times together, and our conversations. I know this is most likely because it was the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and he was a pretty good boyfriend. See, while I was in the relationship, I would only think of myself, and complain. So I made myself think that it wasn’t a very good relationship. Now that he’s left me, I can reflect and think back, and the more I think about it, the more perspective I can get about it. So, it’s more the relationship I miss, and also how loving he was – or seemed. See, he started going out with another girl the very next day after we'd broken up. I know we both have the right to see other people, but it’s just rude. And then a couple of days ago, I saw him and his girlfriend, and while they were apart I introduced myself to her. I thought it was only polite to, since she was standing near me. And he had just ignored me the whole time, so I did the same to him. Anyway, sometimes I still find myself thinking of him and, well, I miss him. But I don’t want to have to go through this. Also, even though I've already had a fling with another guy and could do that with a couple others, I don’t want to. I can’t really find anyone to like right now, and it’s very annoying. Should I try to find something like my past relationship? Or try to just move on and have flings? And do you think I still like him, or just the relationship? Have I moved on? Will I soon enough?
ANSWER: You still like him, but you are moving on. When one has had a good relationship, looking back at the relationship with positive feelings, including feelings of affection and loss, is normal. Many people look back at old relationships with fondness, and miss some of their old dates, well into old age.
You do gain perspective by looking back. More importantly, however, you gain a better understanding of yourself. Looking back at the qualities of your past relationships, and how you handled them when you were happy, and how you handled dumping him or getting dumped, informs you about your strengths and weaknesses, and then helps you in future relationships.
Some flings turn into dates, so don’t stop enjoying yourself with guys.
Welcome the haunts of your past relationship, even if you get a little misty eyed, because it is all real. It is a part of your dating history and it is a part of you. Allow new relationships to enter your life. Some of the new experiences will enhance your perspective on the old relationships. Some may (nay, they will) remove some or all of the pain or sense of loss.
Wiz
July 6, 2009
Question: Hello. I’ve been with this guy off and on for 5 years. He is totally opposite of what I usually go for, but I am in love with him! Extremely. Why? I don’t know. He is emotionally, mentally, and at times physically been abusive. He has done several things in the past that have hurt me, like once leaving me at home while I was hemorrhaging with a miscarriage. When I asked him to take me to the hospital he said, "No! I’m not being late for work!" His excuse was that he didn’t believe me, which he would have clearly seen I wasn’t lying, had he came to help me! I never lied to him before! I was devastated and lost love for him and shortly left. I came back and for some odd reason I always do! He is not affectionate AT ALL. I am. He is very secretive. I am not. I want a baby. He doesn’t. I want to get married. He throws in my face that our relationship means nothing! With all the things he has done to me, it is hard for me to now trust him. At the same time, I don’t want to let him go. We have this bipolar relationship! LOL. I guess you could call unhealthy for both of us. He claims he is doing right, but then I find out he's doing wrong! Then he turns it around and says stuff like, "You’re always looking for shit!" and "You’re just too stupid to see that we don’t belong together!" and "Why don’t you crawl under a rock and die!" and my personal favorite, "Do you realize that I invision myself throwing you out the window, just to watch your head splatter?" It hurt like hell being told all these things. I blame myself too because I want to start fresh with him but I keep throwing things in his face. He has also choked me several times before and put his hands on me. It’s like he has no heart or feelings because right after he says these awful things and has done these awful acts, he goes and continues watching tv, laughing and enjoying it like nothing happened!!! I am not innocent though. I do have a mouth on me and that’s what he says sets him off. I am sassy and ask too many questions. What do I do???? Please help me!!!!!
ANSWER: Your question is replete with details justifying a dump, and yet your message is clear that you love him “extremely” and don’t want to let him go. Despite your love for him, the answer is dump him. The unmistakable conclusion is that you are unhappy, more like miserable, and if you have children they will be just as miserable. Are you willing to sacrifice your wish to have children so you can stay with a guy who causes you to be miserable and who thinks your relationship is worthless? Or will you have children anyway after he has told you he does not want children, putting them at risk of being treated the same way he treats you?
If you answer “yes” to either of the above two questions, you are moving too fast on a dead-end road. You will crash. If you answer both questions with “no,” you answer your own question about what to do. Get off that road.
You know this relationship is unhealthy. You know he is disrespectful of you and abuses you. Stop making excuses for his behavior (“I am not innocent though. I do have a mouth on me and that’s what he says sets him off. I am sassy and ask too many questions.”) Stop it! That’s horse manured grunge. Forget him and treat yourself better. You are your worst enemy if you stay in this relationship. In other words – let’s be frank – you are your own enemy, not him, if you stay.
Wiz
July 2, 2009
Question: I am 16 years younger than my boyfriend. We have been dating for almost three years. He has not made the commitment to move in with me or talk about marriage. He lives with his elderly mother and owns his own home. He rents to help his mother out. I am 39 and he is 56. How long do I wait? I do adore him, but I think that I will be 40 and with his age I feel there is no time to waste.
ANSWER: If you want to bear children, time is wasting. If you do not care whether you bear children, and if you adore each other, you have lots of time.
If he does not adore you sufficiently to have you move in or talk about marriage after three years, you might question how much he adores you. How much patience you give him is up to you, not time.
Wiz
July 2, 2009
Question: This guy and I have had a thing for a few months now, and we recently started going out. He moved back from Newfoundland at the start of the year and had a girlfriend there. Over the past few months, I have not been fully convinced that he is still over her. He still comments her pictures on Facebook and flirts with her through Wall posts. He is leaving on a holiday to Newfoundland tomorrow and I am scared he is going to meet up with her, etc., etc. He is very secretive around me and I feel as though he still likes his ex as he still flirts with her.
Should I dump him?
ANSWER: He may be keeping his options open, thinking if you dump him he still has her. How much have you talked to him about this? If he is thoroughly enamored with you, he would not be flirting with her. That should have stopped.
Re-assess how much you like him. If you want him, and you feel confident that he will choose you when you give him an ultimatum that it is you or her, then don’t dump him. Give him the opportunity to make a choice. If you don’t want him if he has not ended his affair with her, regardless of what you like about him, dump him. If you aren’t sure whether he would pick you over her, dump him anyway, so you don’t suffer the humiliation of being number two.
Wiz
July 2, 2009
Question: My boyfriend always tells me what to do and keeps me in the house while he is out having a good time with his friends, and always tries to pick my friends for me, and is jealous. Help me.
ANSWER: If you don’t feel stifled, you are numb. If you feel fulfilled, you are dumb. Having written this question, you are neither numb nor dumb. What this guy needs is the thumb.
Wiz
July 1, 2009
Question: Okay, it’s been seven months. At first he was crazy for me and I was crazy for him too. In the past month he has not tried as hard knowing he already has me. Now he is lying and it’s hard because once I catch him, he says he will change and he does, for a while. I've dumped him before but he begged for me back and now that we've broken up a few more times we both decided we would give it one last shot. Unfortunately, I don't think he is feeling it anymore. I have felt this way for the past month and I don't want to let go because I know it'll hurt me, and probably more than it would him. I don't know what to do. I can honestly say I loved him, but was he truthful when he said he loved me? Or does he still mean it? How do I get rid of him and then cope with the loss of him, if I do decide to take that route? Because every time I have dumped him we always end up back together. How can I stop my feelings for him from getting the best of me?
ANSWER: He probably was truthful when he said he loved you. His perspective about what love is might differ from your perspective. Regardless of that, he may have lost his love for you. Love can slip away over time if the match isn’t right.
This is what you need to learn for yourself. The match between you and him was not right. If it were, you would not face the problem you face. You may have been in love with “being in love” more than you actually loved him. Or, if you really did love him so truly, he disappointed you with his lack of truthfulness and his inability to change enough (and stay changed) to satisfy you. This alone should satisfy you, during an unemotional look back at the relationship (whenever you can do that), that it just wasn’t the right match for you.
When you feel hurt, give yourself some time to reflect and look back at the relationship. When you can perceive that the match wasn’t right, you will be able to move forward into your next relationship with revived hope and confidence. Do not blame yourself for any of what you experienced, and do not blame him. Despite the disappointments, all of this is quite normal and to be expected in many dating relationships.
Wiz
July 1, 2009
Question: Should I dump him? I don't know. He doesn't pay as much attention to me and he lies when he is with other girls. He says they are only interested in his friends but he lies so much I can’t tell when he isn't anymore. I brought it up and now he is short with me and says I’m not trusting. Well, duh! I mean, if you're with other girls, of course I’m going to be like ok, but when you're lying about it and lying about going to clubs with them, I don't think you're the right guy for me.
ANSWER: You are absolutely and incontrovertibly right. God knows what kind of world we would live in if everyone could frequently lie and get away with saying, simply, you’re not trusting enough.
Wiz
June 29, 2009
Question: We have been dating for one year and we are both 26. I work full time and live on my own. He lost his job like everyone due to the economy. He lives with his parents and is working part time. I just found out that he collects social security and he does not qualify for it. When I asked, he admitted that he has a doctor that diagnosed him with something. He says I should not be concerned because it really has nothing to do with me. Now I think less of him and I am really starting to pick him apart. Other than that he is a really nice and loving person, especially to me. Should I leave him because he is unemployed and collects SSI and lives with his parents?
ANSWER: He has a medically diagnosed condition. It is legal to be unemployed, collect SSDI (social security disability income), and live with family. There may be some situations where working part-time is allowed, at least if it is reported. If a doctor falsely diagnosed him so he could collect SSDI, that is illegal and both of them are responsible. If it is SSI, he probably did not need a medical diagnosis and could have qualified for other reasons.
It is not clear that he is doing something wrong from the facts you stated. His response, that this has nothing to do with you, may be an appropriate response to avoid explaining to you why or how it is legal – or it might be a convenient way to avoid admitting its illegality.
In any event, you have been dating for a year. That is long enough to expect a better answer. If he cannot or will not take a little time to explain why he thinks what he is doing is morally and legally right, then you have a sufficient reason to dump him.
Wiz
June 26, 2009
Question: My boyfriend never gets me anything or buys me anything. I've been dating him two years and now we are moving in with his mother. He claims to be disabled but failed the disability exam. I keep working my ass off and all he does is painkillers and that's all he ever gave me as a "gift," was painkillers. I don't know if that was ever a gift. He runs out of his script and then I buy some and we never have any money. It's starting to feel like Loserville and moving in with his family is kind of weird, although I love them and would feel bad to leave and never see them again, but he doesn't and hasn't really taken care of me in any real way. I have a bad back and neck and I'm the working horse. I don't know what to do. I'm 28 and he's 30, but it seems we are way older because we don't go anywhere or do anything.
ANSWER: You are stuck in the mud. If you stay, you’ll soon feel yourself sinking deeper like quicksand. You did not enter a relationship with him to love his family. The world and a good life have not yet fallen below the horizon of your future. At your age you may still improve your circumstances before you sink. Move and get out.
Wiz
June 25, 2009
Question: I have been going out with my boyfriend for close to four years. We practically have no sex life. I have discussed this with him and told him how this affects my self-esteem and even asked if the problem was with me, as I was willing to work on it. He just says it’s him and he has a low sex drive. Secondly, prior to our relationship, he really got around if you know what I mean. I don’t have a problem with that as I am fairly sure he is faithful. I just can’t continue on this road forever.
ANSWER: In a dating relationship, the road you are on can lead to more permanency and reliability of companionship with more happiness and fulfillment. In other words, you travel through time to a brighter future.
Most dates do not lead to anywhere significant. Some dates are just fun and need not lead to anywhere.
If you are on the road for the long haul, hoping for marriage or some kind of long-term commitment with all the accoutrements, maybe children, and more, you must not accept a guy who won’t do his part. If you feel unsatisfied, he must change or the road must change.
Wiz
June 23, 2009
Question: My boyfriend, I don’t know if I want to dump him or keep him. He has bad attitude and never gets important things done. When I say something he over reacts and acts to me childish. We break up for an hour almost twice a month. It seems and it’s like I love him, but he isn’t my ideal love. He doesn’t look exactly the way I want or like exactly the things I like, but he treats me like a goddess. And totally he is up in my biz all the time. I feel kind of trapped by his set ways. I don’t know if I truly love him or to break up. I get mixed emotions and can’t let go, but then I want them to go. I can’t handle basic living due to his attitude.
ANSWER: If your feelings are mixed and you aren’t sure if you truly love him, you don’t truly love him. True love is a good feeling, consistent and powerful. You feel trapped. He treats you childish. Most important, he has a bad attitude. None of this is good for a romance. The answer is, break up and find a better match.
Wiz
June 23, 2009
Question: He's a friend I hang out with and drink with (and work sometimes with actually.) There was some sexual tension in the past, but I've always been involved with some other guy, though his last relationship (which lasted four years) was about two years ago. Over drinks the other night, he confessed he liked me. I thought – yeah, sure, maybe I could go for it. Made out in his car after he sent me home. Made plans to meet couple days later. Couple of days later, met, then I went back with him to his place after drinks (the pub was closed and we were near his), ended up sleeping with him. The sex was pretty boring for me. Then there was far too much intimate post-****** face stroking (of my face) for a first shag I reckon. He's been calling and texting, but I've been dodging it a bit. He was a pretty good friend. Should I give him a chance? Can you ever have good sex after it has already bored you so much the first time?
ANSWER: If you want to graduate your friendship into a romance, you should not defeat his chances by giving up on his sexual prowess. If you want to keep it a friendship, you will do best by avoiding more fondling in the sack. He will grow enamored with you and will want romance, which you will not give him unless you really want it.
That should answer your question in so far as dating goes.
Your last question sounds rhetorical. It is similar to: Can you ever get hit by a falling meteorite a second time after a first one lands on your new Ferrari? Yes, of course it can happen. Will it? Probably not.
But it is really not rhetorical and it is really not like the meteorite question. The real fact is that a first sexual encounter with an individual can be the most boring event in recent memory, and the second or third encounter may surprise you as exhilaratingly tingly. If there is sexual “tension,” the chance of a bulls-eye encounter always exists.
The reason is that the quality of each sexual encounter depends on a wide variety of many factors, all of them interdependent. They apply to both of you at once and their effect depends on how well the two of you interact with each other. All the factors depend on a cascading parade of other factors, which means, in the end, that each encounter can be an expedition into the unknown, or it can be as routine and predictable as turning on the kitchen faucet.
Wiz
June 21, 2009
Question: I love this guy more than anything, and I know without him I'd lose my mind. However, he doesn’t love me the way he used to. He says he loves me more now but I can tell from the little things he used to do before and the things he does now that he doesn’t love me as much. Should I break up with him or stay with him (we've been going out for about one year and a half now).
ANSWER: You perceive something different from what he says. If you are right, he misrepresented his real feelings. If you are wrong, then he needs to be reassured of your feelings for him.
Ask him out on a special date, or give him a special gift, or do something special for him. If your feelings for him are as great as you say, you will enjoy doing one of these three things. If his feelings for you are stronger than they were, he should respond in a way that communicates to you his appreciation and his feelings that you are special for him. If he fails in this test, one of two things is likely. Either he still loves you but is bad at romance, or he really doesn’t still love you as much any more and can’t admit it.
Wiz
June 19, 2009
Question: Okay, for starters, I really don't want to dump my boyfriend. I love him more than I've ever loved a person in my entire life, but I'm not sure if I should do it anyway.
He just doesn't seem to give a damn anymore. I'm thinking it's because I'm his first real girlfriend and he doesn't know what he's doing. But he recently went completely MIA for the last week and a half, and instead of calling me to even tell me he was gone, I find out through his GRANDMOTHER of all people after I started to worry about where he was. And now, every time I message him on MySpace he keeps signing off. And today when we had plans to meet up at his house, he totally ditches off to his cousins and doesn't tell me about it until LONG after I was supposed to go over. I just don't know why he's acting like this. He's two years younger than me, so I've been trying to cut him some slack. But I just don't know if I can trust him anymore. Especially after he lied to me about sleeping with his ex girlfriend as many times as he did.
It hurts a lot because he's the first boy I've ever felt this connected to, and it would destroy me for him to be out of my life, but I just don't know what to do anymore.
ANSWER: A guy who disappears for days, does not answer messages, and ditches off to unknown places, is a guy who is avoiding something. The question to be answered is why does he do this? The answer is not obvious. One likely answer is that he feels stifled, crowded, or nagged by someone. It might not be you – but if he does this only to avoid you, it is you. This might also be an immature way to dump you.
Test him by avoiding him for a while, say for a week. See whether he looks you up. If he does, the relationship is still alive.
Wiz
June 19, 2009
Question: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about three months now. I'm 15 and he's 17. I feel like he is way too attached to me. When I see him at school, I don’t get the same feeling I did when we started dating. Now it’s almost like I'm tired of seeing him.
Everybody says he is the perfect guy for me. And I know he is. But I just can’t get attached to him. And I don’t know why.
I like him a lot, but sometimes he really annoys me and I can’t stand him!
HE REALLY LOVES ME, too, much even. We don’t want the same thing in a relationship. He wants a serious One, and I don’t. I'm not really ready to have something serious.
On my birthday, he gave me a bracelet that says “I Love you” and it says the date we started dating. I was happy to get have it, but I think it went too fast. We were only dating for about one month and a half.
I'm scared to lose him as A Friend if I break up with him. He's a really great guy, and I don’t want to loose him! I don’t know what to do.
Should I Break up with him, or should I wait? PLEASE HELP.
ANSWER: Several reasons are clear in your question that bring us to one conclusion: You Should End It Now.
First, you feel that he is way too attached. If you feel that way, he is way too attached for you, not just to you. What this means is that you have, at your age, a degree of maturity, knowledge, and experience that is all yours, and no one else knows for sure how much of these you have. You also have a good sense in your mind about how you feel – and your sense of how you feel is the best and most re-assuring guide you can have. If you feel he is too attached, he is. He is too attached for you and therefore is too attached to you, whether he knows it or not.
Second, when you see him at school you no longer get the same feeling you used to. This again is your feeling, and please never let go of your own instincts. If you feel it is different, it is. It does not matter that he doesn’t, and it does not matter that your friends don’t see it. What matters is only one thing – ONE THING – and that is how you feel.
Third, you don’t know why you can’t get attached to him. The “why” in this question is unimportant. What matters is that you can’t get attached to him. Not knowing why is a common thing. It happens all the time. A guy can look like the greatest guy you’ve ever seen, walk smooth, talk sweetly, and in every mannerism look like your dream guy, and yet the “feeling” is not there. That is all there is to it. If no feeling, no need to deal with it.
Fourth, you are not ready for a serious relationship, something he wants. At 17, sure he wants that. But he shouldn’t want it if you don’t. You decide when, where, why, how, and with whom, you will have a serious relationship. Not him. Not your friends.
Whether he remains your friend depends on him. You must let him go, that is clear. After you do that, it depends on his maturity and sincerity. If he really is a good guy, and does not want you just for the dating, then he will understand your “feeling” and respect it. He should be able to remain a friend and treat you with dignity and respect. If he can’t be a friend, he is a 17 year old who selfishly wanted from a 15 year old what he could not get and now he will snub her and go on his way. If that happens, you are not losing a
friend – you are losing a fiend. If he remains a friend, he is a good guy who appreciates you being who you are, and respects you for how you feel.
Wiz
June 17, 2009
Question: I have a boyfriend for five months now and he's really sweet, but I don't love him anymore and I think I love another guy. So I think that the best thing is to dump him, but every time I want to do it he's acting so nice and then I can't.
ANSWER: You are unsure, and it is okay and normal to be unsure. So long as you have second thoughts, take a deep breath and think again. If you remain unsure, wait until you are sure. When you are ready to dump him, be sure you do, because it is unwise and often not fun if you continue to date someone you are sure you want to dump.
Wiz
June 15, 2009
Question: So, I had talked to you before. Now my boyfriend had broken up with me, just yesterday. You see, we'd been having issues because I missed being single, so if I had a choice between hanging out with my friends or with my boyfriend, I would choose my friends. We hadn't seen each other in a week, and it really irritated him. I just needed space, and I thought he knew that. But I guess it hurt him more than I thought. Then, yesterday, I did invite him to hang out with me and a couple of friends, but he said maybe. Then he asked me if it was over. See, I didn't expect this. Earlier that day I already recognized that the relationships was dying, but I thought that was only for ME. I thought he still liked me enough to be in a relationship. So, even though I had planned to break up with him LATER that week, he seemed ready to break up just then. So I had tried to tell him maybe we could fix it, but he said that although he still liked me, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. So, yeah. Here we are now. I love being free, and I loved being single. It's just, being in a relationship for three and a half weeks (my longest ever), I had gotten used to it. He was the one who showed me that relationships can actually be fun for me. And I miss him, sometimes. I'm just annoyed with being single now. I want to be free, but I just wish he hadn't broken up or something. BUT we haven’t talked since yesterday, and I really don't know if he'll want to talk to me. But while we were going out he would tell me he really, really, really liked me, and I could tell. So, do you think I have a chance again with him? That maybe in a couple of days he'll tell me that he still misses me? Or is it really over?
ANSWER: Yes, he might tell you he misses you. Even if he does miss you, he will be unsure about taking you back because he won’t want the same disappointment again. However, he obviously really liked you, so he might be willing to take the risk.
Remember that young guys can bruise easily. You can’t promise him you won’t hurt him again. So, with that in mind, if he says he misses you and wants you to try again, you can say yes, but be sure he knows a break up can happen again. As well, you should know he might be the one to break it up later.
He was hoping for more than what you gave him. Some guys are looking more for the serious relationship than the friendly half-hearted kind that you might prefer. If you give him what he wants, you will not likely have the freedom you want.
Wiz
June 13, 2009
Question: If you don’t want to post this, it’s okay, but I wanted to thank you. I am the girl who wrote to you on June 6th. I cannot tell you how much your feedback meant to me! When you stated that vulgarity, argumentative attitude, immaturity, and critical comments were all part of this guy's NORMAL and true personality, it was like a light went off in my head! You are so right because I could never have been this mean because it is just not in my nature. In fact, I have NEVER met anyone where this behavior came so naturally. It was amazing to watch someone's true self come uncovered literally overnight. No one wants to feel "expendable" when you know you have so much to give, but you were right, this was HIS deal not mine, and certainly he was too "broken" to fix. What a taxing endeavor and endless endeavor. At 34, if you don't have it together, you probably never will. Therefore, I kept everything blocked and erased for true finality. This was a learning experience for me in what to watch for and what I will NOT tolerate – not even one time! This also taught me to keep it fun and superficial until I really get to know and trust someone before I open up my life and heart. I am dating and having fun meeting new people. These guys have been respectful and respect my wishes to take things VERY slow. The healing time was actually short on this one and one of the reasons was for your thoughts. Thank you.
ANSWER: The Wiz enjoys reading about success and is pleased to help. As with all these matters, however, most of the credit belongs with you. This is your success.
Wiz
June 11, 2009
Question: So I'm 18 years old and recently graduated high school. Ever since my freshman year, I've talked to this guy that was a senior when I was a freshman. I've liked him ever since and we've hooked up and hung out throughout the years. He is very special to me, especially since I lost my v-card to him this year in January!!! After knowing him for like three years! It seemed he liked me and he'd tell me that and would always be sweet and treat me good. All of a sudden things changed and he had to move to a different city (an hour away from where I live) and we still talked, he'd call me, try to meet me whenever it was possible and text all the time! I was very happy and then all of a sudden things were slowing down and we didn't talk as much. I was in school and he was in college, but I knew he still could keep in touch. Then in April I found out he had a girlfriend and it was the answer to my questions of why he would reject my attempts on getting a hold of him. And then in May we were at a party and hooked up, also known as he cheated on his girlfriend! He told me he wanted to be with me and all kinds of sweet things (we didn't do anything sexual but made out) and then just in June I find out he's getting married to the girl he cheated on with me!!!!!!!! I was bummed!! I don’t know what to think, or do, or anything!! HELP!!!
ANSWER: He was, at least, a good friend, wasn’t he? If so, and if he is in love, shouldn’t you feel good for him, even if you feel it is your loss? Send him a card congratulating him on his new love.
Leave it there and find another guy. If he tries to link up with you again, don’t bother. Cheating on his wife is hugely different from cheating on a girlfriend. Should he contact you that way, it suggests deception is more his modus operandi than you thought. And, finally, it would not be fair to you – because your feelings would rise up inside you again, and your disappointment is something you need to squelch and put away, not have it come back every time he returns to your life.
He surely thought fondly of you through the years – but his entry into the lifetime adventure we call marriage evidences his love for the other woman, a love that his relationship with you was not. His affection for you was real but friendly, not romantic. You satisfied his curiosity as much as your own. His sex with you was a learning experience for him as much as it was for you (even if it was not his first). No doubt he looks back at his relationship with you in kindness and with affection, but not as if it were a lost love.
Wiz
June 6, 2009
Question: I’m a successful exec and part-time model. I hate telling guys I model and the guy below didn’t know either. I have been told I have a confident presence, educated, funny, and am a nice person. I’m divorced, 37 (look 27), and have no kids. I was dating and having fun. I met a guy through a friend. She heard he was funny. He is 34 and never married.
He also has a very demanding job (traveling a lot) and told me he was on an internet dating site looking for a relationship. He said his job caused problems with girls and they moved too fast for him. Well, it was perfect for me because I am independent and am not clingy. Guys move too fast for ME! He said his last relationships just had no "spark." We seemed to have that spark.
I got scared that I wasn’t ready and my friends said he was doing everything right and that I should trust him and have fun. So I did. Before we became intimate I expressed concern about the site he was on. I said it was cool if he wanted to date others, just to let me know. I never asked him to remove it, but a few days later he told me he removed the site. I trusted that he did.
He called in the first four months two or three times a day and nice texts and wanted to see me about three times a week, once a week if we were both busy. I NEVER pressured him on his schedule and I NEVER monopolized his time. I called him maybe once for his every four calls to me. I would occasionally send a "just thinking about you" text. I was always very excited when he called and complimented him. I was beginning to really trust him and open my heart. He held me, laughed with me until we cried, tickled me, played with me, took me out, and even cooked for me! He was a blast!
I got asked out during my relationship with him and I always declined. I did not tell him about these advances, but when we were out together it was apparent other men were checking me out. He let me know he knew they were looking and would make snide remarks. I never made eye contact with these men and kept my focus on the guy in front of me! I liked HIM!
I was busy and set very few expectations about what I needed. But after three months I expressed in a calm way if something bothered me (not often and mostly in the last two weeks as weird behavior from him emerged). For instance, I liked hearing from him and would appreciate to hear from him more.
From the start, he periodically had panic attacks (real ones . . . even with sweating) around me. Not sure why? And questioned my intentions towards him. For instance, he said, "But what are guys looks? Aren’t looks important to you?" I answered, "Sure they are! Look at you!" Because he was beautiful to me! True, he wasn’t as good looking as the guys that I usually date, but I loved his personality (sometimes moody), success, and had a great time with him. He had a "presence" and it’s NOT always about looks. He had so much to offer!
In the last week or two he was vulgar, debated with me, mean, took his things (like three things were here) and he said, "I cant just leave my things at someone else's house." (Huh?). Insulting, and picked on parts of my looks (hmmm?? Remember what I do for a living?), clothes, age, and divorce. He mocked me, said I laughed too much (he used to love my laugh), was jealous, and looked through my personal items, etc. He didn’t call for three days both weeks but called three or four times a day on the other four. Not sharing his schedule (he used to just offer it up, I never asked because I figured if he wanted to tell he would), not making decisive plans, and making jealous comments, etc. I wondered if the quick personality change was a way to sabotage the relationship and get me to bail (he knew I wouldn’t stand for crap too long.... I DUMP JERKS). Immature and foolish, but maybe that’s what he was doing, maybe it was his master plan to escape?!?
So, I asked him to be honest with me (he knew I wasn’t the break-down kind of girl and I am confident enough to take it) and asked him if he wanted to continue the relationship because I was getting some mixed messages from him. He seemed very happy and said YES! He did say I got mad a lot (HUH? Ok, now seriously, NOT true. I cannot tell you how laid back I am!?!) I said I really like you and want to have fun getting to know you. He seemed responsive and relieved. We ended on a great note that night and I heard from him before work the next morning.
The next morning, one of my colleagues asked me if the "new guy" didn’t work out. I was like huh? A few recent bumps in the road, but I really like him and I have a blast with him. Why? She said because I think I just saw his picture on my internet dating site. Maybe it's not the same guy. She showed it to me and sure enough, there he was. I read the "what he was looking for in a girl" and it described ME?!!? I was like what??? I’m already here!!!! I was embarrassed in front of my colleague and I was shocked.
I called him and he said he wasn’t certain where we stood (before our "talk") and that he never saw me because of our schedules (huh? We could've worked that out), but he panicked and put up the profile few days before our talk, and he hadn’t been on a date yet (yeah right). He asked if I want him to remove his profile. But why ask????? I couldn’t believe he said he wanted to date me the night before knowing that profile was up and open. I was shocked, hurt, and remember, I run from drama! Knowing he had to get to work, I threw in the towel to the drama, and I said forget it, don’t take it down, LATER!!!!! I erased everything from him and about him from my life five minutes later.
It's been six up and down days. I declined dates this week because I am still licking my wounds. My girlfriends are telling me to date other people and forget about him, that I have too many options! I have also thought about calling. I secretly wish he would call. I wonder if I did the right thing. Did I mess up too? Was he a player that just liked the sex? Was my nose really too long? Did he know he could never be faithful? WHAT?? I don’t understand the purpose of coming on so strong, talking about our future, complimenting me, calling all the time, and then so suddenly being a complete jerk. I don’t think it was a case of "He’s just not that into you." Maybe I am dumb, but I think he liked me.
I am glad I stood up for myself because I am a strong person and have men asking me out all the time, so why do I feel so bad about this one? What was his deal? I liked him. I am taking notes on your advice or thoughts. THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: You did not mess up. You gave him a good chance to recover and show his metal. Instead, he turned into the same fatuous slurp.
You describe the perfect guy. Then, without explanation, he turns into a mean menace. You give him a chance to recover from whatever it was that went wrong, and he made you work to keep him – and you knew better. Now you wonder, did you give him a big enough chance? You did. The problem seems to be with him. The source and nature of the problem appear, at first glance, elusive until we turn to basic principles.
If a guy likes a woman, he treats her with kindness and respect, and he acts with measured, careful manners to keep her trust and interest. Vulgarity is a characteristic one does not easily feign unless one is naturally vulgar. Argumentative talk comes hard to people who don’t like to argue. His concern about leaving things at your place is odd, even juvenile. Critiques of your looks, clothes, age, and divorce are unnecessary personal attacks, and these do not come readily to one who does not naturally criticize.
What you thought to be uncharacteristic of this guy is more likely characteristic. In other words, when you were giving him what he wanted, he was the perfect guy. When he perceived you were expendable, he became himself and justified his behavior by attacking you. That is in his nature. He is naturally vulgar, argumentative, juvenile, and meanly critical.
You did the right thing. He has no metal of value; he’s a slug of soft, poisonous lead. Don’t let his pretentiously nice demeanor fool you. He is more likely a lecher in search of women who give him what he wants, only what he wants, than a gentleman in search of women he can love and give himself to.
If you give him another chance, on the belief that he really liked you, the risk is that he will take from you again whatever he needs, and then return to the behaviors you found repulsive. If you try again, don’t expect too much. If he returns with roses, candlelight, and dinner, the wiz could be wrong. Expect those ingredients at least (or other elegant gifts to show his remorse and gratitude to have you back) if he is worth your effort.
Wiz
June 2, 2009
Question: Hi, umm, I have this problem and I don’t know how to dump my current boyfriend. Do you know any way I can do this without hurting him?
ANSWER: If you disappoint him, which is likely if he doesn’t want to be dumped, he will feel hurt. You might not be able to avoid it. However, you can make it easier for him by not delaying. That will cause him even more harm later. Once you are sure that you want to end the relationship, do not delay telling him.
You can compliment him. That will reassure him about his good qualities. Let him know how good a person he is and focus on his best qualities. This will help him feel worthy, even if you are no longer interested.
Do not criticize him. Even if he was disgusting, when he asks you about why you want to end it, say that you are the cause, not what was wrong with him. If you tell him what is wrong with him, he might not be able to change it, and that could cause him harm. Also, if he can change it, he might want to convince you of his ability to change, and that will cause both of you harm if you are sure you want to end it.
Be quick at it. You should not get into a long conversation.
Finally, be sure about it and make sure that he is sure about how sure you are. Do not give him reason to believe he can come back.
These are the best, basic methods to dump your boyfriend without hurting him.
Wiz
June 1, 2009
Question: Hey there, sorry, not exactly a "dumpaguy" question. I am a junior in high school. In kindergarten the first two friends I have ever made are to this day two of the best friends. My guy friend out of these I've known since I was five, but last year a freak accident happened where he was just playing around with his friend and pushed him down very gently, just very light guy fun, and the kid's spleen ruptured. The friend’s parents pressed charges on my friend and my friend’s been going through hell and back because of this silly accident. They suspended my friend from school, even though he's very nice and mature and you just wouldn't expect all of this to happen to him. He felt ashamed and as if the kids at my school hated him because of what he had done (not true, actually, the opposite of that) and he transferred. Now he is in a Catholic school, more serious than ever, and he is miserable there. I feel badly about this because I have seen him laugh at his high point and cry at his low point and this whole scenario basically ruined his life. I haven’t really seen him in over 6 months, but I have kept in touch a bit through phone.
When I finally saw him the other day, he looked sad and like he just needed a good friend again. I feel like no matter how much I don't see him or I do, we will always be close, and lately I have a new feeling that I would have never in a million years thought I would feel, and I can't believe I'm going to say I like him a little bit. Unbelievable! I'm almost mad at myself. Why do I feel this way? I don’t know! He's very bright, serious but funny, and just a great friend.
I don't even know what question to ask or if you can respond to this whole message. I'm just shocked with myself and I want this feeling to go away. How cliché, to like your best friend! I can't believe I said it again. So many things have changed in the past few months, the way we act, feel, more mature, and I, I really don't know what else to say. Should I try and just forget my feelings or should I just pretend they're not there and ignore them. I don't know! I don't know if he's just on my mind because I'm worrying about him, and why am I worrying so much? I mean, I always worry about my friends, but, I don't know, it's different. Everything I'm typing is like ahh! and it just goes on forever. So I'll stop myself. Help, if it's possible, please, and thanks!
ANSWER: If the incident was light guy play and one of the boys suffered a ruptured spleen by accident, a purely unintended harm, both boys have suffered far too much. The boy who suffered the ruptured spleen hopefully did not need a splenectomy and did not lose too much blood. He will always need to guard against infections, but he should live a relatively normal life. Your friend needs help to deal with the ramifications – but not only the psychological issues. He must also endure the social stigma he feels. Moving him to a new school could have been a bad solution for him. There may be more to the story, perhaps things you don’t know, that caused people who purportedly care for your friend to agree to the drastic changes you describe.
Regardless of the causes and where blame can be cast, you witnessed a real-world tragedy, and your natural reaction is empathy, which for a stranger is one thing, but for someone you know empathy can evolve into something more. It is natural but you must understand it with caution. Do not interpret your empathy and desire to help him as something amorous. The tendency to misinterpret is dangerous. Many kind and loving people have done this. Sometimes their love works, sometimes it doesn’t. But wherever it has worked, it has involved people much older than you who have already been through a wide range of experiences, and who had chosen a career of assisting people. If it failed for them, they would still have succeeded at their life’s calling. At your age, it will only be an unsuccessful relationship.
The risk is greater for you because as an empathetic person you will be more forgiving than normal, and more likely to stay in a bad relationship. So keep it a friendship. Remain a good friend to him. He may require your understanding and kindness. If you recognize your empathetic feelings for what they are, you will address them and understand yourself better, and be happier.
If, in your future, you understand empathy well and your feelings mature into something you know is not empathy, a healthy relationship may be possible. For now, however, your feelings are empathetic, a natural part of what makes you a fine human being, but not amorous.
Wiz
June 1, 2009
Question: So I’m in eighth grade and my boyfriend of a week and a half is a year older than me. I was pretty happy with him at first, and he was really sweet and fun. And I had only known him for a week before we started going out. On that day, we already made out for about an hour and a half. I don’t really know why I was okay with it. I think I just went with it and was okay with it that time. You see, all my relationships this year have been messed up because I have commitment issues. My past boyfriends, I would go out with them for about a couple of days, and then just not like them anymore. One theory is I just enjoy the chase, because truthfully – I like being single. I love just flirting with guys, and getting attention from them, but not being tied down. So back to this guy. I told him we were moving kind of fast, and I even got a bit mad at him because of it, and he said that we could go slow if I wanted. But still, every time we hang out, he seems pretty interested in the sexual part of our relationship, while I just want to talk and walk around. And that bothers him and he tells me that I have to try harder in our relationship, but I don’t want to. I don’t really WANT to work on the relationship. And I’m starting to think I don’t like him anymore. The only reason I haven’t already broken up with him is because it’s nice to be in a relationship. Somehow it seems kind of easier than all my other ones. But honestly – Should I break up with him? I don’t want to, but I’m really not that happy with him. I don’t feel excited or anxious to see him. I’m just so frustrated. I don’t want yet ANOTHER failed relationship.
ANSWER: If you are not comfortable making out, don’t do it. If you are uncomfortable at any stage of a relationship, follow your instincts and get out of it. Your instincts are a good guide for you to follow. Do not worry about how many “failed” relationships you experience. They give you a good history to rely on when you instinctively feel the relationship is not good for you. When you instinctively feel a relationship is right, you should still exercise caution, though you will not want to end it. Let things happen naturally in accord with how comfortable you feel.
Experience in dating is a long list of failed relationships. You want them. Everyone must accumulate failed relationships to make their best decisions on future relationships.
When your current guy says you need to work on the relationship, he means you need to work on giving him more sex. That is his perspective and it will likely remain his perspective for another 10 or more years. Guys naturally put a high prerogative on sex. It is a normal behavior.
When a mature guy loves a woman as a person, and wants her companionship as a person, he will set aside sex as a first priority and downgrade it to second or third, if it means he can preserve his relationship with her. What a mature guy knows is he needn’t worry, because if a woman is in love with him, sex will be a high priority for her as it is with him. But for both that comes with experience, for which most people date until they are well into their twenties, and some even much older than that.
You are less likely to regret a decision if you follow your instincts. Nothing in your question suggests immaturity, over sensitivity, misdirected worries or thoughts, or any other evidence of poor decision-making. You are on task and making good decisions.
Wiz
June 1, 2009
Question: I've been dating a guy for almost a year now. I do like him. He's really super sweet, funny, and caring. We were really great friends for two years before we started dating and I think I'm starting to care for him as more like a friend. Also, my ex is my best friend, and we're really tight and he's liked me since we first started talking about two years ago. Well, he likes me and I never really totally stopped liking him, but we've been hanging out more and it would be impossible for either of us to not speak to each other. He doesn’t know that I like him but I want to tell him so badly, but that wouldn’t be fair to him or my boyfriend. My friends and family all think I'm a better match with my friend, and I really do too, but I can't just ditch the boyfriend.
My therapist (I go to because I have two anxiety/eating disorders) tells me that my boyfriend is putting too much stress on me. Although he's really great and all, he's incredibly clingy and suffocates me. He complains a lot about his family life, and he doesn’t like me being friends with my friend, which I can’t really blame him for. So, do I dump him or give him time? Do I tell my friend I'm starting to have feelings for him? Do I dump and do nothing? Help! Thanks.
ANSWER: Why wouldn’t it be fair to tell your friend? You sense tension between your current boyfriend whom you now want to care for as a friend, and the ex, who is now your best friend, but to whom you want to get closer. You are afraid that the boyfriend will be hurt and the ex is uncomfortable.
You want to tell your ex badly about your feelings and your family thinks you are a better match with him. You feel the same way.
Tell him. You might be surprised to learn that he also feels so good about you. Check it out. If not, maybe you can stay with your boyfriend – but even without the ex issue, it is doubtful the relationship with the boyfriend will last.
Yes, you can ditch the boyfriend, but tell him he makes a warm and valuable friend and that you want your friendship with him to last. He might be disinclined to agree, but give him time to digest it. It can work out for you to keep both guys in your life. If, however, you must lose one of them, as might be the case, the obvious choice is to lose the boyfriend.
Wiz
June 1, 2009
Question: I'm really good to my boyfriend and he treats me pretty badly. I don't think he will ever change. Why is it so hard to just walk away?
ANSWER: Usually, it is hard to walk away from a good thing, and more than likely you had visions of the good things in the relationship early on. If some of those visions did not pan out to be real, you harbor lingering hopes. If you are like most people, you continue to see the good qualities of the guy you dated and still, in your heart, believe he could be better than he is. That is why it is hard to walk away. You will have to walk away from the visions you had of what it could be, and against all of your best wishes, accept that what could be, is not.
Wiz
May 31, 2009
Question: I have been dating this guy for about a week. We had sex yesterday and he ****** in me because he forgot to use a condom. And I didn’t ***** ** *** of me. What should I do to prevent from being pregnant? I am only 14.
ANSWER: This advice is too late. DO NOT put yourself into that circumstance again. He forgot – but where was your presence of mind? In star-lit heavens above the earth? Was he a god visiting you from far away heavens to which he will take you to live?
More likely, he was sex-crazed (even if you were too) and selfishly (even if you were too) put himself upon you with promises of love and care.
Get rooted in reality. Talk to your parents, or school counselor, or doctor, or someone who has experience in life who loves you – talk to somebody – and learn about the protection you need. Not just the physical protection needed to avoid pregnancy when the “moment” arrives, but to learn the protection you can give yourself to prevent starry-eyed submission to a god-like man or boy who promises you pleasure.
Remember this if nothing else: No male will solve your problems or give you pure affection or love when you are 14 – or at any other age before you are mature enough to know what love is and know how to measure the sincerity of the man you are with.
Wiz
May 30, 2009
Question: I am going out with this guy and I don't like him anymore, but I think he still likes me heaps. I don't want to break his heart too much. What do I do?
ANSWER: Sometimes you will dump a guy who does not want the relationship to end.
He dreams of life in ecstasy with you for the remainder of his life, rearing children, going places in the sun, sleeping happily in your bed next to you, in wonderment at old age of how blessed he was to have met you and to have you as his lifetime mate and lover.
Hear the music?
Do you see the two of you running toward each other in the flower-filled meadow meeting in an embrace and kiss,
while the birds and bees stop chirping and buzzing in a quiet, peaceful stupor induced by love and merry bliss?
Oh, well. If that makes you squeamish, it is time for you to stop the music and let him know.
Wiz
May 29, 2009
Question: We have been dating for three weeks as of yesterday and everything has been great. Now we aren’t talking as much or seeing each other as much just because we have separate lives and responsibilities. Our relationship has a lot to do with sex too and 75 percent of our conversations have to do with sex.
ANSWER: As time drifts by your conversations should encompass more of other things. See how it develops. If sex is all that it was worthwhile for, your relationship may fizzle.
One can get overfilled with sex and not realize it right away until afterward when one looks back and wonders, “What in heaven’s name?” One can also feel under-nourished if one has missed sex for a long time or lacks experience, and that too one can overcome with time. The balance is struck when one is comfortable – both with one’s sex partner and the sex itself.
All else arrives over time – the meaning of the relationship, and the nourishment of the soul and psyche – when the person is the right person for you. Give the relationship a chance to develop and don’t let the sex overwhelm everything else.
May 28, 2009
Question: He is creating profiles on dating sites, staying out all night, and then tells me he's not cheating.
Sure. I know I should dump him, but when he's good, he's great.
What do I do?
ANSWER: If you don’t mind him being good or great with other girls when he is not with you, you don’t do anything. The question is whether you want a commitment from him to be good only with you, or is it too early in the relationship?
You are the best judge of your needs and the timing of his committing to being true to you and only you. If his behavior is left over from days when he was alone, forgive him. If your relationship is maturing, he is not maturing.
Wiz
May 28, 2009
Question: I've been dating a guy for two months. We slept together the first week of seeing each other and have been seeing each other everyday up until 4 days ago. Saturday, I couldn't get in touch with him all day, then he called me 5:30 a.m. to come over. I didn't go and he called me all day Sunday and we ended up at the same place that night and I ended up going home with him.
Monday, he came over and that night he told me he was confused about us. I told him that if he has doubt then we should end it now before it gets any serious. He responded, "That’s the thing. He doesn't only want to be my friend, he's just confused because he got out of a serious relationship two years ago.”
Tuesday, we were fine and didn't see each other then. Wednesday, he does the same thing again and I don't hear from him all day and he ignores all my calls and text messages.
Then Thursday morning he doesn't stop calling and I tell him that we should see other people if he can't respect me enough to answer and or return my calls.
He says fine and hangs up the phone. Then, he texts me asking me if I have calmed down now. I didn't respond.
Should I dump him????
ANSWER: You’re ready for a steadier, more reliable relationship. Avoid the “every day” schedule. It gets to be too much if you have lives to live, and both of you do. Avoid the total lack of communication for days, because if you are right for each other, you should be communicating and responding to each other.
Ask him how he feels about seeing you roughly two to three times a week, and communicating almost every day, just to check in at least, and with a commitment that you don’t date other people. That kind of schedule allows time for each of you to build anticipation for the time you have together, and allows frequent contact to know what’s going on. If either of you wants to break the schedule and do something special, the obvious answer is yes, and who knows what heights you could be headed for. If someone wants to spread it out into a “less involved” kind of thing, that is a sign of a waning interest.
It is a backing off from each other, just a little, to put some sanity and order into a reckless dance.
If you are right for each other, you should adjust the schedule frequently and happily as you grow fonder for each other, and as you develop a kind of sync in your lives that works. It should in fact get to be like there was never a schedule at all. If you don’t grow fonder, and no “sync” in your lives develops, you just aren’t quite right for each other and you should find new relationships – because if you need to keep a schedule forever, it is not a good relationship.
Wiz
May 26, 2009
Question: Hi, my boyfriend and I lived together for a year. He got violent, so I left. It has been 2 months and another guy tested his limits with me and I told my boyfriend, so he got a backup girl. She is visiting, so he doesn't call me. He tells me to write. I'm confused. Like, am I in a relationship or not with him? How do I get him back?
ANSWER: If he turned violent, you may want to re-check your thinking about returning. Most guys capable of violence are always capable of violence, and that includes those guys who hate themselves being violent. What’s worse, he may think only he can treat you that way. The answer is not “Okay, another guy can do it if I love him enough.” It’s “No way, no guy can treat me that way.”
Wiz
May 25, 2009
Question: My boyfriend of 3 years never takes me to the events and parties he attends with his friends. Whether it's someone’s birthday party or a going away party, he tells me he's going and doesn't invite me. I have never even been introduced to his friends. It upsets me that I'm not invited to join him. Is something wrong with this scenario? Should I be concerned?
ANSWER: Something is very wrong with this scenario. A three year relationship and he doesn’t invite you to join him with his friends? That is completely and irrefutably unacceptable – unless all his friends are vulturous monsters looking for a woman to pluck and plunder like road-kill. You should be concerned about him, and if his friends are vulturous monsters, you should be concerned about them. From any perspective, yes, something is wrong.
Wiz
May 25, 2009
Question: I’m engaged and have been with my guy for two years. He's really sweet and very Handsome but not really what I want. I asked him out with my friends and it was a total disaster. I felt like I couldn’t be myself around him. He cries a lot. I feel bad too because I am supposed to be supportive and I am, out load, but in my head I am thinking sew your junk back on guy. And he is always so nice and sweet. And gets gifts for me all the time. I feel so stupid when I talk about this stuff because any other girl would be like "you got a Hot guy, that’s sweet, buys you stuff, and wants to have sex all the time, and you don’t like him?" I feel like I’m being stupid and selfish and ungrateful. Oh, and the sex thing, yeah he does. I used to be a sexual person too but lately I have been trying to find excuses not to. I almost want to say forget it and close this page and my words down. But I can’t. I just don’t think that he is the one for me. He's a wonderful guy, just not the one I want. I think? I don’t know? And to top it off I owe him money and quite a bit, and YES I am paying him back slowly but surely. If I do break up with him, I don’t want him to think that I used him for that. If I had the money right now I would give it all back without even blinking. His family knows about the money and I just don’t want to seem like that girl. I was thinking, just wait ‘till the money is paid off, but it’s going to take me a year and that’s with the max payment a month. Am I being ungrateful? Should I break up with him?
ANSWER: If you don’t know whether he is the right guy for you, you surely should not be engaged. You should not be dating if you don’t think you can be yourself around him. Yes, you should dump him. Not because he is at fault, or because he is bad to you, or because he’s a snake – and not because you are ungrateful. It is because the bond between you is not romance. Period.
The fact that you owe him money should not contribute in any way to your decision about whether to end the relationship. Never, ever, feel beholden to date a guy because you owe him money. After you break up you will continue paying. The debt is a simple obligation to pay so much so often until it is paid in full. Nothing more.
Get out of it, take a deep breath, and find someone fun with whom you will be comfortable and be yourself, wherever you go, with or without your friends.
Wiz
May 22, 2009
Question: I am in love with a guy I've been seeing for over a year. He's fifty. He's the nicest man and he will do anything for me.
But commitment he doesn't seem to want.
He goes back and forth. Sometimes he says he wants to commit but doesn't want to.
I can't seem to walk away from him. He's great to me. We spend a lot of time together, doing so many fun things.
Anyway, what should I do? I want a commitment.
ANSWER: He’s the nicest man and will do anything for you, except commit. At his age he knows what commitment means and all that it entails. If he is not ready for that, he might never be ready. However, if he is not married, and all your dates are fun and worth your while, give him more time because he has expressed a desire to commit. His hesitation may be grounded in experience that teaches him commitment must be sure and definite. Your relationship has lasted only a year – which is a long time but maybe not long enough for him.
If you are frustrated and want him to commit now or never, tell him exactly that, if he will listen. If you can give him more time, decide for yourself how much time, and tell him how much time you will give him, if he will listen. See if the relationship stays as good as it has been during that time. If it improves, there is hope. If it stays the same, he might not see the relationship the same way you do. If it deteriorates, there is your answer.
“If he will listen” is a huge qualifier: Be aware that most older men resist and often despise time deadlines – especially expressed by women they love. I know – weird – but true. If that is true of him, secretly fix your deadline. Don’t nag, but for your own good be ready to end the relationship if you don’t get your commitment.
Wiz
May 18, 2009
Question: Hi Wiz, I have been seeing a man off and on for a little over a year. He is 39 and never been married, no kids, etc. We seem to get along really well when we are together but have a hard time getting him to open up about what he wants in a relationship. He seems to be going through some sort of phase right now . . . buying a sports car and acting as if he is in some sort of "midlife" stage.
Recently I expressed my desire to have an exclusive relationship and at first he became very withdrawn about the whole topic. When I finally asked if a) He cared for me and ever thought he could see himself in a real relationship with me he answered . . . "yes" and b) Does he care for me as more than a friend . . . "yes."
However, his answer when I asked a more specific question as to being a "couple," was that he isn't sure he wants that and for now wants to be friends. He says he doesn't want to confuse things. "He doesn't know what he wants." Do you think he is being honest and just needs space, or should I move on and take his answer as a polite way of ending things?
Thanks.
ANSWER: You asked very good questions directly on point. He could not give you clear, convincing answers because he is confused. Hence he says he “doesn’t want to confuse things.” He is confused and that is the point you need to take from his answers.
A reason exists for his not having married at 39. His age is too young for a real “mid-life crisis.” He wants his freedom over marriage. He meant it when he said let’s be friends. He meant only friends.
Given his age, lack of demonstrated commitments to women over the years, his answers, and his demeanor, the Wiz thinks he was honest, but giving him space will not cause him to come up with answers. He has been confused for decades and will remain confused. If you dump him and move on, it will force him to decide 1) he was wrong to not be a couple with you and will contact you with a new attitude or 2) you will not hear from him any more except for occasional pleasure forays into the night.
Avoid those.
Wiz
May 15, 2009
Question: I'm dating an unemployed bartender/server/actor. I dated him 4 years back when I took a break from Drew (the guy I had been dating for 4 years) and things didn't work out with the actor. I went back with Drew and I got pregnant. I decided to move Drew in and then married him. I also have a child from my first marriage who was 12 at the time. After two and a half years with Drew and a lot of therapy for depression, I realized that I did not want to be married and finally separated from Drew. I looked up the actor again and we started seeing each other 6 months ago. I drive 30 miles each way to see him. He doesn't like the traffic and his car has been broken down for 3 weeks. He rents a room from a guy he hates and has almost no sex drive.
The trip there has become tedious and I think I want stay closer to home. I like the guy and enjoy being around him, but it's not much fun anymore. I would feel horrible to break up with him because some days I think I am the only light in his life. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: The advice is the same as previously given. If he is a light in your life, keep him. If being around him is not so much fun any more because of him, no reason exists to keep it going. If it is because of the driving, and you enjoy having him around but for the driving, and he hates the guy he rents from, consider having him join you where you live – if he is good for your children.
That was just a thought.
The more important advice is do not date a guy because you are the only light in his life. Whether or not that is true, the more pertinent question is whether he is a light in your life.
Wiz
May 15, 2009
Question: I'm dating an unemployed bartender/server/actor. I drive 30 miles each way to see him. His car has been broken down for 3 weeks and he rents a room from a guy he hates. I am the only light in his life. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: Not if he is a light in your life.
A boyfriend can be in the dumps in so many ways – and depend on you for help. All of that is okay if you find in him a guy that is loving, caring, and kind to you, and in whom you see qualities that light up your life.
Wiz
May 14, 2009
Question: Hello, I am 15 and I have never been in a relationship. I am a very outgoing person, but when it comes to flirting and such, I don't. I don't know how I'm always the guy's best friend instead of more. And you know, it's good that way, and sometimes I think, it rocks being single. I definitely like my freedom and I am independent. I have a lot of girl friends too and just friends all around! But I would love to have the experience at least once to look back in High School and say look at that, but I won't rush into anything and I don't just "go out." Not just to kiss, I'm more mature and I feel a lot of the guys in my school are immature.
BUT (now that you've heard my intro) there's a boy named Don. He's kind of a dork, but he's funny and he is very smart. He seems honest, very friendly, and we have a lot in common. I've just met him 2 months ago and we have no classes together yet we still talk all the time in the halls and whenever we can. I think I like him a little. I think it's perfect because we are not extremely close in the sense that I have known him for my whole life and we could never be together because "it'd be weird." Yet we are really close and I learn more everyday and we can talk forever. Plus, it's a fresh, friendly relationship. I love being friends, but it's like I don't want to get so friendly that we’re like cousins like everyone else, even though I like making friends, I just want to have fun with it and kind of challenge myself to see if I can make anything work. Should I just be friends and forget about it or should I not care this much? Should I put myself out there a little? I don't even know what to think of the whole scenario because I sound very contradicting, I think. Ha Ha. Help me out. I love change and I need to mix things up now and then, and I don't know what to do! Thank you.
ANSWER: You enjoy a healthy, inquisitive, exciting approach to social life. Don’t change a thing – which means that you should continue to change and experiment and explore so long as you are enjoying it.
Stay interested in Don. Enjoy your meetings in the hallways. Eventually Don might suggest you see him in another place, probably a school related event and in public. Say “yes” and see how it goes. You can always nix it if you feel uncomfortable. Take every moment as an experience. You will experience several things that will cause you to say, “Wow, look at that,” but to keep it fun, always trust your instincts.
Friendships are good to have and to keep – dating relationships often turn out to be only friendships, but problems arise when one decides he or she wants no more than a friendship and the other is disappointed and gets hurt or angry. Usually the hurt or anger comes from a selfish disappointment to which immaturity is a significant cause. Your instincts will help guide you through the difficulties of dating. Remember that dating should be fun and not hard work. If it gets to be like work, it is not working.
Saying no is not inconsistent with friendship. You are the ultimate decision-maker in all your dating experiences. Stay responsible to yourself. Make your decisions with your wants, needs, and hopes first in mind, and you will do well.
Wiz
May 13, 2009
Question: My husband has a kid with a woman who is already married with someone else. They were already out of communication when we met and got married. Now, I always get jealous with this woman. Lately I have found out that they are still communicating, but I guess it’s just to talk about their kid. But my husband is not giving any details about this to me. Is it right to get jealous? Are there still any feelings or is my husband just wanting to save me from the hurt because he knew me?
ANSWER: Your husband should desire to know about his child and be involved with the child. He should also be fully capable of keeping his relationship with his child while at the same time maintaining his close relationship with you.
When he talks to the mother of his child about the child, nothing in that should cause you jealousy. Whatever relationship he had with her in the past is likely to have ended long ago, even more so because he married you. You should not feel hurt. You should support him in building a healthy relationship with his child. When he sees that you are supportive and understand that jealousy is unnecessary, he may want you to know the details of his communications with her and the child.
Wiz
May 13, 2009
Question: My boyfriend is an annoying d bag in the *** ****. What should I do?
ANSWER: If your conclusion is accurate, what do you do with that? You don’t look at it; you don’t touch it; you don’t smell it; you don't sleep with it; you don’t stay anywhere near it – you get rid of it.
Wiz
May 7, 2009
Question: I have been dating this guy for a year and a half now. I’ve lived with him for about 9 months. I used to be so in love with him, but now I‘ve lost interest and being around him just gets me annoyed. I have also cheated on him at least 3 times and I don’t feel bad. But when I tried to break up with him he pulled the "I wanted to be with you forever and have your kids" on me and I stayed with him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I still love him but I’m not IN love with him. What do I do?
ANSWER: Dump him as quickly and as effectively as possible. If you are not IN love with him, and get annoyed around him, and you love him and don’t want to hurt him, you must tell him exactly what you said here: I love you but I am not IN love with you.
You are actually hurting him more by allowing him to think the relationship can go on. He will invest more of himself as time goes by and as he gets deeper into the relationship he will be hurt even more. Imagine how badly invested he will get as he dreams of being with you “forever” and having kids with you. My goodness, if he was honest in telling you that, he’s in for serious disappointment. The fall gets harder as he gets more committed to bring his dream into reality. If he was spoofing you just to get you to stick around, he’s succeeded well enough, but there is nothing worth saving in this relationship.
Do him a favor. Get out of his life so he can devote his energy with some real hope to building a relationship with another girl. And do yourself a favor. What to you think you will accomplish by leading him on? Do you want to marry him and have his children? If no, then get out of it now.
Wiz
May 7, 2009
Dear Wiz, I have been dating a man for 5 months now. We met on a dating site. We are both in our early 40's. At first the passion was great, before we slept together. The problem is he never kisses me. He NEVER has taken me out on a date alone. We always go to his house or mine. I have met his family though. He is always late and when I go to his house, he makes me sit for about 20 minutes before he even comes down to greet me. I just walk right in and sit down. He tells me this will never get to the "level" I want. I don’t want marriage. I don’t want to live with the guy.. He says he just wants a casual relationship. He keeps telling me he always gets dumped after 3 months, that I will eventually dump him. He is a great looking guy, great shape. What is up? He shows little emotion, just straight up sex, nothing more. Dump or not to dump?
ANSWER: Dump. If all he is into is sex, he’s a dud if you want something more. He may be an even bigger dud. Think about it. He never kisses you; never takes you out on a date alone; and makes you wait 20 minutes every time you arrive. “He says he just wants a casual relationship” – no, he means casual sex. The relationship part is completely missing.
Wiz
May 5, 2009
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for only two months, but already I’m starting to think I love him. He says he loves me too. We really click and neither of us have been in a real relationship before and this is the first time I’ve ever been in a relationship where the guy tells me he is in it for the long run. The problem is I am deciding between staying here for university or going away. He is a year younger. I can’t help but let him influence my decision. The schools are equally good but I’d grow up more if I went away. Should I leave him and go away?
ANSWER: Why are you thinking of going away? If the University is where he is, what is taking you away to some other place?
If you are scheduled to continue your education in another place, you should continue the education, even if it means you leave your boyfriend for a while. You should not sacrifice something so important over a relationship that looks real good after only two months. But your question suggest you would be going away for a different reason, which is unclear.
Wiz
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