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September 30, 2008
Question: I met this awesome guy. We get along great and we have a lot of fun together. A couple weeks after we start dating, we are both acting starry eyed, and so I ask him about when I get to call him my boyfriend. He hesitates, and long story short, says he doesn't think he could ever be happy with just one woman, that he doesn't want to get into the rut of steady relationship, but he wants to keep dating me. So a month and a half later, we're still dating. We're both talking to other people, but neither of us have done anything else. I'm trying to look at it as a way to have fun while keeping my options open, but I'm getting too emotionally involved. I want him to myself. I know I won't be able to stand it when he starts dating other girls, or even sleeping with them. What do I do?
ANSWER: He is wrong about that. He will be happy with just one woman when he thinks the right woman comes his way. He is too young to know that yet and wants to “play the field” for a while. The problem for you is that he doesn’t think you are the right one. He has made that decision. Unless he changes his mind, you should find another guy who thinks differently.
All guys “play the field” until they fall in love. At that point they are like puppies in love. They’ll commit and follow you around, lapping it up wherever you go, until they see someone else that attracts them more. Most of them are quite capable of committing to someone for a while. Those who say they cannot commit lack interest in the one to whom they say “no.”
He is capable of changing his mind but he has to be so interested in you that he wants to do it.
Wiz
September 29, 2008
Question: Should I dump him? He is always following me and all over me!
ANSWER: If you don’t like him around you, dump him. If he won’t go when you tell him to leave you alone, don’t be sweet. Tell him to bug off.
Wiz
September 29, 2008
Question: He said I did not have any common sense. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: Most of the time when a guy says you have no common sense he is making an innocuous comment about something you did or failed to do. He finds nothing seriously wrong with you and does not mean to injure his relationship with you.
Treat it lightly. It’s like someone saying, “You dummy. You don’t do it like that.” The person saying it does not really mean to say you are dumb.
If he says it frequently, and it bothers you, dump him.
Wiz
September 28, 2008
Question: I've been with him for 4 years. I recently broke up with him, but for only one day. I took him back because I thought I made a mistake, but now I think THAT was a mistake. He's really in love with me, but I'm not sure I feel the same. I don't want to hurt him. I'm not a bitch.
ANSWER: If you are not sure you feel the same, you don’t.
You won’t suddenly turn into a bitch because you dump a guy. If you dump him you save him from a delusion. If he thinks you love him, he’s got it wrong and needs to know the truth. A proper dump is merely an exercise in truth telling for the benefit of the one you dump. It helps him so he can get a grip and move on to someone else to date.
Free him of his delusion. He should be grateful. If he gets hurt, okay, so he is disappointed. Most guys get over their disappointment as soon as they start dating another girl.
This answer appears flippant, especially for a long-term relationship like yours. It’s not, though. Most of the time, a girl dumping a guy who loves her suffers more than the guy she’s dumping because she worries herself into a frenzy over how much he will get hurt. Factually and realistically, the guy will be hurt and his hurt derives almost entirely from disappointment. It is a selfish emotion on his part and he is foolish if he doesn’t get over it. Most guys are not so foolish and recover quite fully when they start dating again.
Wiz
September 27, 2008
Question: My boyfriend is so distant. He lies to me and takes drugs. Should i dump him?
ANSWER: His distance is not geographical; it’s mental and emotional. The answer is fundamental. Yes.
Wiz
September 26, 2008
Question: A relationship of 6 months. I was just confused and picked up my phone a month to his birthday and asked if we could just be friends, and since then he did not call me again. I'm just 18 years of age in university and now I WANT HIM BACK AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
ANSWER: All you can do is tell him you were confused and you regret ending the relationship. If he wants you back, he will take you back. If he doesn’t want you back, you don’t want him back because he doesn’t love and respect you.
How do we know he doesn’t love and respect you? It is obvious. If a guy does not want you, for whatever reason, or if a guy does not forgive you for a mistake you made, in either case he does not love and respect you sufficiently to date him. If you are miserable now, realize that you would be more miserable if you went back to him. Find another guy.
Wiz
September 23, 2008
Question: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND THAT IS 19 YEARS OLD. I AM 17. BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS A BABY!!! I’VE ALREADY MET HIS FAMILY. I’VE GONE OUT TO ALL KINDS OF FAMILY REUNIONS WITH HIS FAMILY. UMMM. HE SAYS THAT HIM AND HIS BABY’S MOM ARE OVER!!! HIS PARENTS HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO ME ALSO THAT THIS IS TRUE!! AND I HAVE SPENT TIME WITH HIS BABY GIRL TOO!!! I MET HER WHEN SHE WAS 3 MONTHS OLD AND RIGHT NOW SHE IS 17 MONTHS!!! SHE’S SO BIG. BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO STILL.
HE TREATS ME GOOD!! AND HE LOVES ME. AND HE BUYS ME THINGS.. AND SO DO I TO HIM AND HIS BABY GIRL. WELL, YUP, THAT’S ABOUT IT. THANK YOU.
ANSWER: From the text of your question one must wonder where the mom is. If she is alive and well, and caring primarily for the baby, you can expect her to be very much involved in your boyfriend’s life for a long time to come. Indeed, he may love you, and you may love him, and both of you can overcome almost anything if you love each other. All you need to know ahead of time is the mom is around and always will be, no matter how much “over” the relationship is between your boyfriend and the baby’s mom.
If finances are a problem in your relationship, the strain of paying child support is another issue. This is a big concern if your question asks about marriage. You inquire more about whether a dating relationship is possible. The answer is that a dating relationship is possible if you can overcome the intrusion of the baby’s mom.
Wiz
September 20, 2008
Question: I have been going out with this guy for 3 months and I’m falling out of love with him. I know he is crazy about me, so I've tried to make him dump me. It hasn’t worked and I don't want to dump him and hurt his feelings. What should I do?
ANSWER: Acting in some way to cause your boyfriend to dump you so you can avoid hurting him is not a logical way to do it – and it usually fails. It is also dishonest because you have to act in an untrue way – and it is unfair to him. He is dating you for a reason, whatever that might be. His decision to dump you should be based on real facts, not fake behavior used to induce him to dump.
Be honest and direct with your boyfriend. When you tell a boyfriend you love him, you should mean it. It’s the same when you tell a boyfriend that you don’t love him. You should mean it.
Just as you must learn to be honest with him and end the relationship by telling him the truth, he must learn to accept your decision and move on.
Unless he is engaged with you to be married, he knows he could be dumped. One does not need a microscope to see a dump coming in a dating relationship not ending in marriage. He knows your relationship cannot last. If he hasn’t learned how to take a dump, it is time for him to learn. .
Wiz
September 18, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we've had an amazing time. He was the first person I have ever fallen for and it’s been great most of the time. We do have our petty arguments, but we always made up. However, I went on holiday in July of this year with 6 girlfriends and we met a group of guys, one who I got on really well with. I enjoyed being away from my boyfriend. When I came back from the holiday, things felt different. I didn't feel close to him any more and we keep arguing. The holiday made me feel like I was single again and I felt so happy. I do love him but I don't know if it’s enough to stay with him though. I almost feel trapped in the relationship, as I can't be with him or without him. I couldn't imagine not seeing him and I am finding it so hard as sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I don't!
ANSWER: You are only trapped into a relationship if you allow it. You are getting a little older. As time goes by, events will cause you to adjust here and there. Sometimes the adjustment will be strange to you, and you will not always know why. Your mind is telling you, with hints, that you are not so much in love with your boyfriend that you would forego a future that awaits you without him.
Your feelings of sudden freedom and your anxiety about what it means and what you should do are quite natural. Nor is it unusual that to feel a little confused about how you feel, especially when you feel the comfort of being in a relationship and suddenly you feel happy being single and liking another guy.
Ride the wave. If you tumble, there is only water below. You will not sink. You will float ashore. Enjoy yourself. Know that the end of your relationship with your boyfriend is only a beginning of better things.
Wiz
September 14, 2008
Question: Hi -- I met this guy a few years back when I was overseas. We met briefly but then we started emailing and eventually started talking on the phone and through instant messenger. Then we decided to meet up again. We had a great time and ever since then we speak everyday either on email, instant messenger or on the phone. He lives and France and I live in the USA. However we have seen each other at least once every six months.
At the very beginning of the relationship he told me he never wanted a serious relationship and not to get too attached. Of course I thought this was possible. However, we speak everyday and this is not usually initiated by me. He sends me gifts and is helping me apply for my visa to France. We talk for hours on end on the phone and he really makes my day.
However, I have found he has slept with other girls, and is also using dating websites to pursue others. I know he said he didn't want a serious relationship, but he sure sends out the mixed messages.
I think my biggest problem is that we have decided to meet up for New Years this year. We both have our plane ticket. (Mine is refundable and his is NOT.) He has booked a hotel that is not refundable because he booked it online. I think I really want to cancel because I feel horrible when I know he is taking other girls out. I get down on myself and I know it is not healthy for me. However, I feel like I am trapped. Should I just go on the trip and then end it afterwards or is there anyway I can end it now. I feel bad ending it now because his tickets are not refundable and the hotel is on his card. But on the other hand I can't continue down this path because it is making me feel horrible. What should I do???
ANSWER: If it is making you feel horrible, you are right to end it. Going on the trip will not make things any better; it will only make you feel worse. It’s a dead-end relationship. Don’t worry about him. He's got other girls to fill your role in his life - and he can pick one up quickly.
Be sure to check out one more thing before you tell him you're not going. Girls are a dime a dozen for him. That is evident. But you are much more valuable than that and he knows it. He treats you special and it is doubtful he gives all the other girls the same attention. You only see him once every six months, maybe a little more. That is not enough to fill his recreational time. If he likes women (and it appears he does), he is not definitely cutting you out, and probably does not intend to lose you by dating these other girls. For him, they are recreational time fillers. He spends his loose change on them. For you, the daily calls, the gifts, and the plans for the New Year, suggest that he wants to fit you neatly into a place more central in his life. Your perception of mixed messages is accurate from your perspective - inaccurate from his perspective.
Confront him with your knowledge of his extra-curricular affairs. He might squirm a little - that's okay - and he will remind you that he didn't want a serious relationship. Tell him your relationship is serious. He will perceive and ponder the fact that his way of life when you are away is inconsistent with a serious relationship with you. He will wrestle with this dilemma, probably, in one of two ways. He will agree with you that your relationship with him is special but insist that he cannot let it get too serious because of the distance between you and the limited times you can get together in a meaningful way. Or he will cut you a little short and insist that your relationship is not serious.
If he agrees, you will need to decide whether you want to give this serious relationship a chance to grow into something long-lasting and valuable. If you do, you will need to find a way to see him more often - in fact so often that he won't have the desire to recreate with other women. If he does not agree, you will know that a decision to end the relationship and not travel this New Year is a wise one.
Wiz
September 14, 2008
Question: You ever notice it's all girls on here, writing about guys? Because guys are not consumed; they are different than us. Wouldn't it be a neat state of mind to just not think about it like they do (and no, they don't think about it like us)? Why can't love be simple? Why does it have to have labels; game playing, lust, cheater, obsessed, whatever. I wish there was no such thing as the game and we could just say what we wanted. I wish I could say, "Hey, I like you, let's hang out." And if it didn’t work out we could just say, "Hey, it's not working." Wouldn't that be cool?
ANSWER: That would be cool. Definitely.
By the way, guys do ask questions. They are not posted on this site. Guy’s questions and the answers are posted on dumpagirl.com.
Fewer questions get asked by guys than the girls at dumpaguy.com, but some of them are just as deep and complicated. And the questions from the guys are different.
Wiz
September 11, 2008
Question: I'm living with my boyfriend, and he has a 6 year old son who he picks up everyday after school. The boy stays for a few hours everyday, and I usually see him every weekend, even if it is the ex's weekend to have him. My boyfriend takes him to a movie usually on her weekends, so he still sees him. Don't get me wrong, the kid is awesome and I love having him around, but he's too talkative and always hanging around wherever I am because he wants to play games with me. I have a problem with seeing him everyday and since I live with his father it makes it worse. I'm scared to even mention this to my boyfriend, but my friends say I deserve to have some space from the kid. Plus I see the way my guy is with his son sometimes. I think the kid might grow up to be a spoiled brat. I need advice on what to say to my boyfriend. We carpool to work so I can't escape going to pick up his son everyday. He even spends the nights sometimes on weekdays (when he’s supposed to be with his mother) which makes us late for work. I need to know, am I being selfish? What do I say or do to get some time away from his kid?
ANSWER: You are not being selfish. It is natural to want more quality time alone with your boyfriend. Your relationship might depend on it because your happiness with him will depend on it.
Your boyfriend, however, deserves to be commended for his interest in his son and the times he arranges to be with him.
Your boyfriend will not want to choose between you and his son. If forced to, he will naturally choose his son. You cannot keep your boyfriend without his son, so you are left only with the option of trying to work out a relationship that gives to you more meaningful time with your boyfriend without his son being present. That may be difficult.
It will depend entirely on your boyfriend’s understanding of your needs and his willingness to accommodate them, while adjusting his time with his son. You may encounter serious difficulties, but your only way into a better relationship is to improve your boyfriend’s understanding that you need more of his time alone while assuring him that you do not want to take him away from his child.
The ways to accomplish this are difficult to assess for you, not knowing enough about your boyfriend, the relationship he has with the mother, and his son. A lot depends also on the depth of your relationship and how well both of you communicate on important subjects. If you can reach deeply into his care and concern for you, on a level commensurate with his love and affection for his child, you may be able to work out a solution.
Remember to keep the solution flexible so you can adjust as needed over time. You will struggle with this tug-and-pull problem for many years.
Wiz
September 9, 2008
Question: Okay, so my boyfriend broke up with me over the weekend and I was like, “Ok I wish I could change your mind.” He says, “I don’t want to hurt you. Every time I go to bars I think about having sex with the other girls.” And I was like bawling, and he says, “You’re acting like you just found out you had cancer or something.” And I was like, “Well, I won’t be seeing you around.” He said, “Shut up, baby. Yeah, you will. I will see you in public and wave to you and say what’s up. You’re only 18. There will be other relationships.” And I was like, “Whatever.” He is 23 and then that night he wanted me to stay at his house, but I didn’t. I wake up and I find out he is in jail and I was like, “Wow!” And he may be going back to prison for the 4th time. And then I talk to him that night and he says, “You know you’re still my girl, right?” And I was like, “I thought you broke up with me.” And then we talked the next night. I talked to him again on the phone and I asked him if he really wanted to get back together and he was like, “Yeah, baby. I love you” and was like, “You have a fav toy and see a shiny new toy and want to play with it,” and he says, “You are my fav toy, baby. I want to be with you.” Now I think he is just playing a game with me because he is going back to prison, maybe, and wants someone to stick with him. I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: Of course he wants someone to stick with him, and you’re a good choice for him. The question is not what he wants. The question is what do you want?
He is right. At your age there will be other relationships. You are at prime time for your life. Talk of toys – life is full of toys of all kinds. Some are safe and fun. Some are dangerous and fun. Look always at the warnings on toy labels. This guy’s got warnings on his label.
Nonetheless, you were bawling at the loss of him. If you want to choose this guy, that is your choice and it might be fine. This guy is cool and has a good look on things – and he knows if he is going down. Just don’t let him take you down with him, if he goes down.
Wiz
September 9, 2008
Question: I am trying to break up with my long term partner and it's not going well. I care for him a great deal and my connection to him is hard to break. He loves me very very much and I am the only friend and family he has. He says he will wait for me forever and would do anything for me. I am hurting him so much and I am beginning to wonder if it is worth all the misery I am inflicting on both of us.
I have met someone else who I like very much. He has children and family of his own, who mean everything to him, and whilst he wants me and is committed to a relationship with me, he doesn't need me in the same way as my partner.
I haven't told my partner about my new man – I never would. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I am already.
I have told my partner that he is a wonderful person and he deserves someone one who will treat him well and be his true friend. But we both know that he will revert back into the lonely existence he led before meeting me and I am more than a little concerned he may hurt himself (he has done so in the past).
I hate myself for the unhappiness I am causing and so sad that I am going to lose my best friend – which he is.
Do you think I should fulfill the commitment I made to him (in my head) at the start of our relationship, when I promised to care for him no matter what?
My new man is strong, kind, fun and very attractive to me and whilst I know it would disappoint him deeply if I broke off with him – he would mend and move on eventually.
ANSWER: You can still care for him, as a friend and not as a lover. You will have less ability to care for him. And if he feels jilted, and you lose him as a friend, you will not be able to care for him as much as you want. The result may be that he will regress into his past experience, be lonely, and potentially harm himself.
Despite the gloomy predictions, you must not become slave to your partner’s needs, just because you crossed paths in life and you fell into a relationship with him. If you had married, and made promises to be faithful and care for him in sickness and in health, until death, you might feel committed with some good reason. Even with these promises, many people divorce and move on. But you do not have the force of marriage upon you. Your dramatic desire to care for him is too sacrificial of your own needs. Do not harm yourself to save him from harming himself.
Go with the new man you’ve found.
Wiz
September 9, 2008
Question: I am a single 32 year old female who is contemplating ending a 1 year relationship with my 40 year old boyfriend after he softly backed out of an engagement. We met over an internet dating site and I felt we were very compatible (we both living independently, have our own homes, have good jobs, and come from close-knit families). We spend almost every weekend together, however since we live apart, we don't see each other during the week (his work hours vary from mine).
About 9 months into the relationship, I casually broached the subject of marriage. We both agreed that we weren't interested in having kids, but he said that he considered marriage to be a very big responsibility and a risk because his parents were divorced after 20 years, and he witnessed the ugliness of divorce from his parents and many of his co-workers and friends. He basically told me he has a lot of doubts about marriage but that he wasn't going to rule it out.
After I heard that, I briefly panicked but felt that at 9 months, perhaps bringing up the subject that I wanted to marry him was premature.
Fast forward to our 1 year anniversary, and after a week after we went away together to celebrate his 40th birthday, he tells me that the discussion we had at the 9 month mark has terrified him and that he is still not sure whether he is ready to get married. I was naturally upset and told him I did not want to stay in a romantic relationship for 3 or 4 years without the hope of an engagement.
I told him that I did not want to waste my time in a long term relationship that went nowhere (because I have been in such situations in the past, and ex-boyfriends have married other people shortly after we broke up).
He said he loves me, and then told me the next day over the phone that he can picture me moving in with him and that we can try to work out other details. I told him I just wanted an engagement before I moved in because I don't believe in living together without having a ring or a wedding date. He then said, "whatever you want."
Then he told me he planned to give me an engagement ring over the weekend. However, on Sunday afternoon he calls me, sounding very depressed, and tells me he still doesn't feel ready – that he is angry at himself because he should feel enthusiastic about proposing, but instead feels like I am pressuring him, and that I have suddenly given him an ultimatum.
Now I have reached a point where we have been dating for 1 year and I am ready to be married but he is not. I have told him that he is 40 years old, and should think about who he wants to grow old with.
Needless to say, I am sad, disappointed, upset and somewhat devastated because we both love each other but I don't want him to feel forced into marrying me if he is unable to get over his fears.
So my question is – should I just break things off now and move on to find a man who can give me what I want, or stay around and enjoy the nice comfortable relationship I have with him and hope he comes around in another year?
ANSWER: You have had a year of a good relationship on weekends. Both of you do not want children. He is 40 and you are 32. This is a sound foundation to explore further.
You should consider moving in with him without the engagement ring. The reason is that you apparently love him or you would not propose marriage. He obviously thinks the world of you but has reservations about marriage. He has invited you, though somewhat clumsily, to live in with him. Your response, that you do not believe in living with a guy without an engagement ring, surprised or jolted him, and left him helpless enough to say, clumsily again, “whatever you want,” when he really didn’t mean it.
You have in mind the rest of your life at 32 with him. At your age, without the desire to have children, another year will not go to terrible waste if he is truly a good man. At 40, he will feel some pressure, but not so much that he will accept marriage without getting over his reservations. He will do the right thing for both of you, given the chance to think it through. He has had three months since you proposed.
Without knowing the basis of your belief that stands against moving in without a ring, and allowing that your belief may be so strong that you will not follow this advice, you should offer to move in with him. Do not set a deadline with him. Set a loose deadline in your own mind that you do not communicate with him – say, a year or so. Do not bring up marriage at all. Enjoy your time with him. Make it a happy, enthusiastic, rewarding year for both of you. Wait the entire time for him to reach the conclusion you hope he will reach – that marriage is a good thing for both of you.
In this way, you both can test the relationship while living together. Your relationship can sour or it can grow and get even better. He will have evidence that he was right to deny marriage or he will see the merits of marriage and propose. No pressure will come from you during this period because you will not set a deadline with him, you will not bring up the subject during the entire course of the year (or so), and you both will get the benefit of learning everything about each other in a day-to-day relationship.
Wiz
September 8, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. He is a great guy but I just don't trust him. First, our sex life is very limited. It is when he wants it only as he has a low sex drive. It was a strain before but I have come to accept it. Second, in August, I found text messages on his phone between him and a stripper (gross, I know!). He claimed that this meant nothing but I cannot help but keep it in the back of my mind. Third, he got a wonderful job opportunity (for 18 months) to move from here ( Alabama) to Seattle, Washington. I love him but the thought of the long distance relationship with someone I am having trouble trusting is feeling impossible. He has talked about our future together and how he wants to come back to me but I just feel sick over the whole thing. How do I move past this or is it even worth it?
ANSWER: Although your ages are not apparent, one can discern that you are under 40, and that leaves questions unanswered about the limited sex drive. If he is finding entertainment with strippers, his sex drive might be more energetic than you give credit, which leads to the further question about his interest in you as a sex partner. In any event, the relationship is tottering due to your lack of trust in him, which is not without justification.
As much as you feel you love him, with the strain on the relationship already existing, the distance for so long a time is likely to pull the tether that holds you together even tighter, and the likelihood is that it will snap.
You should date anew. You should find another guy more satisfying and gain a better relationship with him. If for any reason you are not successful in finding new, satisfactory dates, then you might be available to date again your ten-month boyfriend when he returns, if he returns looking for you.
Wiz
September 3, 2008
Question: My boyfriend cheated and has a new baby now. Should I try to work things out or breakup with him? We have 2 boys together and we have been together for 10 years.
ANSWER: Boyfriend or not, he will be in your life as the father of your two boys. What you need to determine is what value there is in keeping him as a boyfriend. You have not married and he is having relationships with other girls. Those might be good hints about his worth to you. But there are other variables, and every relationship, especially a ten year relationship, is deeper than a short question can tell. Only you have all the details upon which to decide.
Wiz
September 2, 2008
Question: I don't know what to do. I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend and would have no problem dumping him except he is extremely dependent on me and I don't know what he would do if we break up. He's not the stalker type but I think he might turn to cutting himself. I don't want him to be that miserable and I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't have that many people to turn to if I hurt him. I know he still loves me.
ANSWER: If you have fallen out of love with him and don’t end the relationship, he will be hurt even more when he finds out. You are not his mother. You are not his guardian angel. You must stop making yourself miserable worrying about him. He must get over the relationship and heal.
The longer you drag this out, the deeper his wounds. You’ll do better for him by ending the relationship unmistakably and quickly.
Think of it this way. Probably many more girls will reject him in his future, so you will help him learn how to adjust and recover when he gets rejected.
Wiz
September 2, 2008
Question: Hi Wizard, I asked a question a few weeks ago and you answered it (thank you for that!). It was about leaving a relationship I wasn't happy with, with a guy who felt more like just a good friend.
I have now broken up with him and I need more advice. How do I get over this? I think I made the right decision but still I miss him a lot. He has been my best friend for 2-3 years with constant, daily contact, and I care deeply for him. Can we still be friends, and if so, how soon? It wasn't a bitter break-up.
ANSWER: You should be able to maintain a good friendship if the break-up was not bitter and if he still likes you. Surely a 2 to 3 year relationship made an impression on him.
The problem, if there is one, is a large number of guys prefer to stay dumped, once dumped, to avoid getting nagged with old feelings of romance and sex. Many former boyfriends cannot squelch their vision of former girlfriends as objects of desire. When a former boyfriend cannot squelch that vision and cannot satisfy the desire, the friendship becomes a disappointment and a source of frustration.
It will depend on his maturity and social sophistication. If these are lacking, then it will depend almost entirely on how much satisfaction he gets with a current girlfriend. If has a mature attitude about life and women generally, he'll be fine and you can enjoy a lasting friendship.
Wiz
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