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October 31, 2007
Question: i have met the man of my dreams!!!!!!!! i went to school with him and lost touch until just recently. he is adorable, sensitive,
understanding, family oriented, and actually has morals. we started talking and made an instant connection. you would think that everything would
be perfect, but i guess there is no such thing as a fairy tale. one of his best friends and his girlfriend broke up and the next night he said
that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. we had talked on the phone the night before and he was talking about how much he liked me and how
he wished he was with me so we could cuddle and keep each other warm and stuff like that. because it was such a drastic change overnight i asked
him what happened. he told me that every woman he has liked is good in the beginning and ends up hurting him. so i asked him if he thought that i
would actually hurt him and he said that he didn’t and that that was one of the things he liked about me. but that he was worried and
nervous and just paranoid. he said that he thought he was ready and that he was doing fine and then his best friend Rex, the one who broke up
with his girlfriend, was all depressed and talked him down. he told me that i didn’t have to wait cause he didn’t know when he would
be ready, but that he would definitely let me know when he was. he said that he still wanted to talk every day.
since this conversation he has called every night and it is just like it was before. so my question: if i think that he is it, should i wait
for him or should i move on? was this his way of ending things? and if he s just scared, is there any way i can reassure him and let him know
that i would never even dream of hurting him? please help me. i really don’t want to lose him. he is truly amazing.
ANSWER: The girls in his past did not hurt him – he felt hurt. If he likes you because you haven’t hurt him, you are being set
up to fail. You will hurt him, in his mind, when and if you end the relationship. This is no way to begin a relationship. You cannot,
however much you think you like him now, promise that you will always like him this much and not dump him. That is an idiotic promise that he
unfairly takes from you, though unexpressed, if he starts a relationship with you on the premise that every girl in his past has hurt him.
You can reassure him that you will never dream of hurting him, but you are not able to reassure him that he will not feel hurt unjustifiably
when you dump him. You cannot promise not to dump him.
Sorry, methinks you should move on.
But (Thank Goodness for the Wizard’s Wisdom) you can try this. Tell him how great you feel about him, but you can’t
promise never to dump him. Tell him that both of you should start your dating relationship with the understanding that one of you will likely
dump the other in the future. Starting on that realistic premise, if he can grapple with that, he should come back to you saying, “Okay, we
know that most relationships don’t last. Let’s date and try to make it last, and be honest with each other about how we feel.”
In that way, he can know that while you date him, you are committed to him and feel good about him. You can feel the same. Every now and then
both of you can reaffirm with each other how you feel. This will keep your confidence and his confidence about the relationship in high gear.
Then, when the relationship starts to wither, you’ll both know it and talk about it, and it will be what the two of you expected anyway
right from the beginning. This will minimize the hurt and disappointment he will feel, if you are the one that ends it. It also gets the two of
you together now with some hope of success, and you will find out if he is the one.
He must be able to grapple with that basic premise. It’s like
gravity – we all want to fly but can’t. If he can’t grapple with the premise that all dates end in a dump except marriage and
no one can promise marriage on a first date, he is a total loss and useless.
Wizard
October 31, 2007
Question: Ok i'm talking to this guy that I met at work. We told each other that we liked each other and began talking. Then all of a sudden
he stops calling and texting. Then after a short while he would text me again. My problem is that we never see each other because he is always
working. Should i move on or what? Please help me. I am so confused
ANSWER: Move on. If he is interested, he’ll manage to find you and set up a date. If he doesn’t find you, he is not interested
enough.
If you still like him and want to date later, after you have moved on, you can change your mind and come back to him.
Wizard
October 30, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I have been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years. We have lived together for 2. We have very conflicting work
schedules and don’t get to spend a lot of quality time together. He is a bartender and I have a day job. He says he doesn’t want to
be a bartender forever but has not taken any steps to change it. I recently met someone who was interested in dating me. He didn’t know I
had a boyfriend because my boyfriend is always working. I have always been faithful to my boyfriend and told the other guy no, but we have
remained friends because we have several mutual friends. Lately, I find myself wanting to be with the other guy all of the time and I secretly
hope I run into him. We have so much in common and I really like being around him. At first I thought I just liked the attention he gave me and
passed it off as nothing. But now he has started dating someone and I am insanely jealous. I felt sick when I saw them together. I was really
surprised by how upset I got. I am scared to lose someone who is not mine. . . . (missing text)
ANSWER: Are you scared to lose someone who is yours? It appears not, so your relationship with your five-year boyfriend, and
two-year live-in boyfriend, is nearing an end. Unmarried, you can change things.
Wizard
October 29, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and half. At the beginning, he gave me compliments but I shot him down,
stating he really didn’t think that or he was just being nice. I know I have insecure problems and that’s why I said those things.
But now he will not compliment me at all. It’s been almost a year since I received a compliment from him. I have brought this up to him but
he said because of what I did in the past he feels he shouldn’t compliment me. It upsets me that I get compliments from people but not my
boyfriend.
ANSWER: Your boyfriend says he will not compliment you because in the past you told him he didn’t really think that or he was just
being nice. What you said to him was not accusatory or damning in any way. His excuse is plain silly.
Any boyfriend will compliment his girlfriend. If a boyfriend enjoys his girlfriend’s company, why can’t he compliment her?
Admittedly, compliments are not obligatory, but come on, what’s up with this baloney?
Your boyfriend needs a make-over – not his looks, his thinking.
Wizard
October 27, 2007
Question: DEAR WIZARD, I HAVE BEEN DATING THIS GUY FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS BUT I HAVE CHEATED ON HIM!!!! I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT IT BUT I NEED TO
TELL HIM BECAUSE HE IS TO SWEET, NICE, AND UNDERSTANDING NOT TO. BUT HOW DO I TELL HIM SO THAT HE WILL NOT HATE ME FOREVER? THANKS,
ANSWER: It all depends on him. He might never forgive you or he might forgive you right away. Everybody is different and the wizard cannot
be so prescient as to know how your boyfriend will react.
Many girls would not confess it. If you must confess, minimize the damage by telling him first that you made a horrible mistake. If you
approach him sincerely expressing regret with a request that he forgive you, he is more likely to forgive if he is able.
Beware that some guys (and girls too, if we think the other direction) cannot forgive.
One note, however. Those who cannot forgive stick their heads in the mud unnecessarily. Insistence on total fidelity in dating is normal and
righteous, but often unrealistic. Mistakes can occur and everyone runs into temptation. A date is not a married partner. A date is not on a leash
to heel, sit, and lay down at the command of the other date. Everyone is looking for someone new at one time or another, and at some of those
times during weak moments, and for whatever reason, indiscretion governs decisions made and the resulting conduct. A willingness to forgive and
forget is gracious, judicious, and appropriate most of the time.
Wizard
October 27, 2007
Question: My boyfriend is black and i am white. My family doesn’t think i should date a different race. He is nice to me and makes me
feel good when i am down. What should i do?
ANSWER: Unless you are too young to make this decision yourself (see the question from October 26), what in heaven’s name has your
family got to do with it? If you are happy and he is good to you, the race question is not an issue – unless you make it a question or let
it be a question.
Wizard
October 26, 2007
Question: I am in sixth grade and I have a mixed boyfriend. My family is not happy. What should I do?
ANSWER: If he is mixed up, you should reconsider for that reason alone. If you mean of mixed race, you might reconsider if your parents are
concerned, but only for that reason. You should give way to the rules and guidelines your parents want. They usually have good reasons. You must
gain lots of experience and learning before making decisions that run counter to your parents.
Ordinarily, the race of your date should not matter – not one iota. However, your parents may have other reasons as well, and for now
you should listen to them.
Wizard
October 25, 2007
Question: I have been in a relationship with a boy for 2 years, going on 3. He has been nothing but good to me, and I know he's been
faithful. He can be jealous sometimes, but we talked about that and he is getting over it. He wants us to be together forever, get married, and
have a family. I can see us together in the future, but I feel like something is missing. I love him. I have cheated on him once, but he forgave
me and said that we can get through anything. I want to stay because I know he will never hurt me. But for some reason, that I do not even know,
I'm not completely happy. Also, I look at and flirt with other guys. And there is this one guy I liked a while ago, but he didn't know it, that
is trying to get with me, and I am really feeling him too. But I'm scared that if I ever break up with my boyfriend he won't be able to function
well in school, work, or anything. I tried asking for a break before, but he cried and said I couldn't do that to him now. And he told me that we
could work . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: You are not permanently attached to your boyfriend. You are not his mother, you are not an appendage he was born with, and no God or
superior force or fate has placed you on this earth to be his hand-maid.
You are sensitive to his needs and you do not want to hurt him. That is all good – for him – if you stay with him. If you will
let go and move on to another guy, what are you waiting for? Will you wait until your boyfriend no longer wants you? Will you wait for him to
move or die?
Your boyfriend’s vulnerability when you leave him comes from an immature inability to adjust when a girlfriend leaves him. He likes
having you around and now depends on you. That is appropriate and good in marriage – it is self-destructive and idiotic in the dating
world. Going steady, being faithful, making commitments to stay together, all end in a break-up unless the dating couple decide to graduate to a
married couple. The only commitment that may mean anything, in the long term, is an engagement to be married. Even that falls apart
sometimes.
You should follow your gut feeling. You know that you do not have all that you want in this relationship. Don’t mess with yourself
– follow your gut instinct. To help your boyfriend, be up front with him and tell him what you are thinking. Try to get him thinking about
a dump, even a soft-landing dump, but get him on track so he won’t derail when the final moment comes, as we all know it will.
Wizard
October 24, 2007
Question: I have been sexually involved with a man 16 years younger than me for one year. He has a girlfriend, yet continues to have sex
with me every couple weeks. I have feelings for him and he claims not to have feelings for me. So why keep coming to me when he has a girlfriend?
And he knows exactly have many times we have had sex. Is he hiding his feelings? Or is he just weird?
ANSWER: He keeps count because he finds it fun to keep score. Some young men like to keep score as a remembrance of their prowess, a
register of their success in winning, a tabulation of points scored in the world of adolescent baseball. You surely have heard of first, second,
and third base. You give him home runs.
So here are the answers to your questions. He keeps coming back to you for sex only. He is not hiding feelings because he doesn’t have
them. His girlfriend doesn’t know about it. He counts to keep score. He is not weird.
Wizard
October 23, 2007
Question: I am dating a guy in a metal band who is 30. The band is playing a house party this weekend. 3 out of the 5 guys in the band are
single and really have no scruples about themselves. If he is going to spend time with these guys a lot, I feel kind of worried. Should you judge
someone based on the company they keep? The shows make me nervous. I don't know if I'm being unfair by judging the relationship off of the
band-thing but it's an every weekend kind of thing. What do you think?
ANSWER: Judge him by what he does, not by the company he keeps. The worry is that the company he keeps will influence him so much that he
will do something that he should not do. If he is so influenced, you will still judge him by what he did, not by the company he keeps. He might
have the strength of character to be the good person you obviously think he is despite the company he keeps.
Wizard
October 22, 2007
Question: What to do? I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a shy guy. We started to date after becoming friends. When we are
together, we have fun and we have the same interests and goals for the future. My boyfriend and I live about 350 miles away from my parents. The
problem is that I have recently begun to notice that whenever he is around people he doesn't know, well, he ceases to speak. I've brought it up
and his answer was he just doesn't talk around strangers. Ok, I get by this by trying to be the one to spark conversation and make him feel a bit
more comfortable. However, when we go to visit my parent’s house, we stay for the weekend with them. Although it was fine at first that he
was quiet, I assume it was nerves the first couple times. But it's been about 10 times and he still doesn't speak to my mother, brother, or
father unless spoken to. He doesn't say thank you, doesn't say excuse me when leaving the dinner table to use the restroom, and when we are ready
to leave to the airport he practically bolts out the door without so much as saying a good bye to my parents unless I say something. This type of
behavior only happens around them, and my mother was keen to point it out They obviously don't appreciate that he has bad manners. I really love
him and until this behavior at my parent’s I felt that he was the one. What do I do? Should I dump him?? Please help!
ANSWER: Does he exhibit the same problematic behavior when one of your relatives comes to where you live with him? It might not just be the
people – it might be the environment where he sees them. Try having your brother or your parents visit you where you live. See if he
improves while they are there.
If not, he must be thinking something, or feeling something, that inhibits him. He should be able to express it to you. He might not be able
to decipher the root cause of his problem, but he should be able to describe the thoughts and feelings he experiences when he is at your
parent’s home, and that might reveal something helpful to you.
Can he order dinner at a strange restaurant? Is he helpless if he visits a new city alone? Does he only have this problem when he is with
you? Does he relate better to animals than to people? Does his employment require him to relate to the public? How did he do in school, and how
did he handle going to a new school when his parents moved or when he graduated to a higher grade or level? The answers to these and many more
questions one might want to explore with him to see better the nature and extent of his difficulty.
If he is truly so speechless, and downright empty of manners, something seems quirky if not entirely disjointed. He might need therapy, if
it’s that bad. But if it were that bad, one would expect you would be more on task with it after two years and living with him.
Your narrative raises many more questions than answers, and hence your question of whether to dump him is answered at this time as maybe
yes, maybe no, depending on your learning more about the kind of problem he has and how deeply it has disabled him from functioning in the
company of strangers and your family.
Wizard
October 22, 2007
Question: Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years. He hasn’t proposed and every time I mention marriage he tells me
that there’s a good reason why he doesn’t want to get married. Then, when I ask him more about it, he gets annoyed and starts
bringing up the past and using it against me to make me feel bad. Now I am pregnant and he wants me to terminate it, but I don’t want to.
I’m starting to have doubts about if he really loves me.
ANSWER: How can you be with a guy for ten years and not know why he doesn’t want to get married? To say there is a good reason is not
good enough.
Your doubts should have arisen long ago, but that is water under the bridge.
You must make an important decision regarding an unborn child. Do not accept his blithe disregard of your dilemma. If he knows and
understands the haunting moral choice he puts upon you, he is a heartless, uncaring son of a gun. Unfortunately, this flippant wish that you
terminate your pregnancy is consistent with telling you he has a good reason to not marry you after ten years into the relationship.
Disappointing, to say the least; reprehensibly demonic, to be more accurate.
Do not make your decision whether to terminate the pregnancy based on his wish. Do not base your decision on a feeling of a need to help him
or save his sorry tush.
Decide this as the most important decision in your lifetime. Consider deeply the moral and life-long implications. If you feel the burden,
it is real and hugely onerous. Good people decide on opposite sides – the best minds in the world disagree. You must make this personal
choice. Make it most carefully and deliberately.
Finally, whatever you decide, stick with it and do not look back. If you give it your best thinking and deliberate appropriately, you should
look back on your decision years later and feel comfortable that you made your moral choice with your best effort.
Wizard
October 22, 2007
Question: He loves me and he trusts me, but we fight a lot. It’s hard for me because I cry when we fight, but I’m in love with
him. Should I dump him because we fight so much?
ANSWER: Two people in love should not fight and cry. Some movies paint that picture, but anything can happen in the movies. This is real
life and real life is not fair, so we work hard every day to make our lives better. Two people in love expend great effort to comfort and support
each other, not fight.
If you are convinced of your love for him and of his love for you, both of you should see a couples therapist to end the fighting. Do not
make your life harder by entering a relationship or by staying in a relationship that includes fighting as anything more than a rare and unhappy
event that you both work hard to avoid.
If he thinks fighting is normal, he is not normal. If he will not participate in the counseling necessary to learn how to eliminate the
fighting, he reveals an unwillingness to expend an effort to comfort and support you. That portends a dump.
Wizard
October 22, 2007
Question: should i dump my finance of 7 years when he will not communicate, has been verbally abusive, and just last week said that i am now
fat and he doesn't even think he loves me anymore.
ANSWER: Seven years is a long time to be engaged and not marry. Was he the cause of the delay? Probably. If so, he had second thoughts long
before now. Whether you have gained weight is not likely the real reason for his remark.
That said, either his remark is a chillingly hurtful jab into your heart or it is a cold, inconsiderate, dumb mistake. Either way, he owes
you a sincere and heart-felt apology. If you don’t get it, he reveals a flaw in character far more damning than the number that registers
on a weight scale.
Wizard
October 21, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I have been dating my boyfriend for a couple of weeks but I don’t really know if I like him anymore. What
should I do?
ANSWER: If you aren’t sure whether you like him, you don’t have a reason to date him.
Dating is fun. If you lack interest, don’t date. If you are losing interest, don’t date. If you have lost interest, don’t
date. If you find dating a guy to be labor intensive, you don’t like him enough. Whether your problem is lack of interest, losing interest,
lost interest, or dating has become labor intensive, you are not having fun.
If you are wondering, that in itself is labor intensive.
Dump him and move on.
Wizard
October 18, 2007
Question: I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. I really like him and have lots of feeling for him. BUT it’s different for him. He
does not want to be close to me or intimate. I think he wants to be friends and I do not. Should I dump him? He is avoiding my emails to him.
ANSWER: If he doesn’t want to be close, he doesn’t want to date. You do not have to be friends but you must respect his lack of
feeling, just as you would expect him to respect your feelings for him. You can’t travel far in the dating world on a one-way street. Both
must be interested. Be patient and find another guy.
Wizard
October 13, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I've been dating my boyfriend for slightly over 2 years now. I was convinced he was "the one" when I met
him - we hit it off immediately, and he was (and still is) the best friend I've ever had. We talked of marriage and had even planned a timeline
for it, but my feelings for another guy (which I have never acted on) made me realize that I was not emotionally mature enough to enter into such
a commitment. But lately it's gotten worse - I've been noticing that we don't have as much fun as we used to, don't laugh as much. (He tells me
that it's MY fault, because my feelings for him appear to have changed, whereas he is just as in love with me as ever). I love him, I care about
him, but I'm worried that I might only care about him as a really close friend. I have no real sexual desire for him, and never had
"butterflies" or a "crush" or a rush just thinking about him, even when we were barely in the beginning stages of our
relationship. He's wonderful, caring, honest, trustworthy, intelligent, funny, and like I said, he is my best friend (and we have many similar
friends). He is almost perfect for me, I think, other than the attraction thing. Plus, shouldn't I be looking for someone I can settle down with,
since I'm a junior in college and almost ready to start "life," or should I be enjoying my youth and finding out who I am? I'm torn,
and am scared of being unhappy - in or out of the relationship. I'm terrified. Should I stay with him, or dump him? (I think/hope this was enough
information). P.S. I tried making a pros and cons list, but its hard to weigh things like that - its like comparing apples to oranges.)
ANSWER: No fault can be assigned to anyone when, after a long relationship, the sparks aren’t there. Rarely can a couple retain the
ability to light sparks. This the wizard personally knows: Time replaces sparks with warmth and glow. The substance of sparks settles underneath;
it keeps lovers warm and feeds them marvelous memories into old age.
However, in your case, no one set off the sparks. You have great affinity for this guy. He was and still is wonderful, caring, honest,
trustworthy, intelligent, and funny. These qualities will bring to him many friends. A missing quality for you, something that requires a special
lens to see, is sexual attraction.
But you are missing more than that. You miss the magnetism that one feels, an uncontrolled desire to be near someone, that creates the
“butterflies” or “crush” that breaks people’s hearts when the desire cannot be fulfilled. Yes, this is more than a
sexual attraction.
Be aware that some people believe that true love does not exist. They believe that your boyfriend exhibits the qualities you should look for
in a long-term mate, that the “crush” is an immature reaction that withers away. The relationship that survives after the
“crush” is gone is a rational more business-like relationship built on a mutual respect and admiration, where a life-time of trust
and enjoyment depend on caring for each other, raising children, building a nest-egg for retirement, and good conversation, all without the stars
and fireworks of romance. The warmth and glow of old sparks is, to them, nothing more than a security blanket they had built during the length of
their relationship in a dangerous, cold, and lonely world.
The question about how much should one be in love strikes terror in the hearts of those who have not experienced love and worry whether they
ever will. Some of them give up on it and take the best they can find. If you, at your young age, elect to disbelieve in sparks, you should stay
with your boyfriend and be grateful that you found such a grand companion.
At your age, ahead of you are several more interesting years of life experience. You have lots of time on the biological clock if you want
children. The adventurous road is risky. You might find that true love is elusive. Even worse, you might determine it is illusory. The question
you must ask yourself now is this: Will I be satisfied with myself, ten years from now, if I marry this guy, or will I wonder whether I ventured
out and explored enough to learn about myself and life, and to find love?
Taking the risk of unhappiness to be happier is difficult because we don’t know what the future holds. But that is life, isn’t
it? You say, “Shouldn't I be looking for someone I can settle down with, since I'm a junior in college and almost ready to start
"life," or should I be enjoying my youth and finding out who I am? I'm torn, and am scared of being unhappy - in or out of the
relationship.” What is “ready to start ‘life,’”? In the wizard’s view of the world, starting life is
enjoying youth and finding out who you are.
Wizard
October 11, 2007
Question: My boyfriend still talks to a lot of girls from his past. He even says that he doesn't call some of them. But I found out the he
was lying. Why does he need so many girls calling him if he has me? Some of them like him. Is this a problem? Should he get rid of me if he loves
me?
ANSWER: If he loves you enough he will not get rid of you. Neither will he flirt with other girls. If you can tolerate dating a guy who is
liked by so many girls, and who likes being liked by so many girls, that’s okay, you’re a champ. But if you allow him to flirt with
other girls and call them and date them, you are a chump.
In that case, you get rid of him.
Wizard
October 11, 2007
Question: I've been dating a 31 yr old married guy (no kids) for these last 5 months. Me, I am 25. He is no longer living with his wife. I
love him with all my heart and he says he does as well. He calls me every day and we meet quite often. I feel he respects me and so I do respect
him. However, my parents do not know about my relationship. I live with them. They know I am going out with a guy but have no idea he's married.
The last month or so he keeps telling me to tell them, that they should know about us. But I am so afraid that I will hurt them. I have a very
good relationship with them and am afraid I will spoil everything if they come to know. They are quite traditional persons. However, if am not
going to tell them, I will spoil everything with my bf, and I don’t want to lose him as well. I am in a huge dilemma. What should I
do??
ANSWER: Your parents brought you up and raised you to an adult age. They love you and want the best for you. You are afraid that you will
disappoint them if they know that your boyfriend is a married man. You and your boyfriend are in love after five months of a relationship. He
thinks you should tell your parents about him.
As parents, your mom and dad will love you anyway. They might complain, they might look disappointed, and they might suggest that you
reconsider, but your parents will love you regardless. In fact, we must assume that anything they say or do will be out of love for you, not out
of their own selfish concerns. If there is any initial shock, they will get over it in time.
One thing could help a lot. If your boyfriend loves and respects you, he should have initiated a divorce mediation or court action by now.
He should have undertaken the steps required to move out of the old relationship before he expects commitment from you. Your parents will want to
know that he has no children and no longer lives with his wife (important for you and them). That’s okay, but they will also need to know
that his commitment to his wife is over and, if he is going to be a good loving companion to you, that he is not bound up with emotional and
legal obligations to a former wife. As traditional parents, you can expect them to look at least for that much.
Your misgivings are justified, and his expectations of getting involved with your family are not justified if he has not
taken the appropriate steps to end his commitments to his wife. If he has, and it’s a “done deal” so reconciliation of the
marriage will not happen, then you may tell your parents the whole story (that is, you are dating a previously married guy, or the guy is married
but soon to be divorced). Still perhaps not fully palatable to your parents, this will be better than “Hey, here’s my married
boyfriend.”
By the way, many who give advice similar to the wizard would disagree that you are okay to tell your parents before the divorce. The wizard
agrees with them but for the short term of your five-month relationship. If your relationship were much longer, your boyfriend would be lagging
in his duty if he had not obtained a divorce, and that would raise serious questions about him as a boyfriend. At five months it is still early
yet, but he should at least start the process before he encourages you to involve him with your family.
Wizard
October 7, 2007
Question: my boyfriend and i have 1 child and 1 on the way. he’s always out leaving me on my own and never takes me or our kids with
him. i feel like i am on my own. he never has time for us. HELP PLEASE.
ANSWER: Your boyfriend is the father of two children. What could be more important to a guy than being a dad? He’s got two little ones
to love, adore, and support.
Based on your question, he has lost perspective on what is important in his life. Caring for his children means also caring for their mom.
That is a big part of dad duty.
It is unclear from your question why he isn’t paying attention. He may be immature; he may be a neglectful dud; perhaps one or more
addictions plague him. Surely his parents, his friends, his co-workers, and everyone else he knows will tell him the same thing –
“Get on with it for your kids!”
If he can’t plug-in to real life and one of its greatest joys, then you will have double duty as a mom without a helping or caring
dad. If that is the case, you will need all the help you can from family and friends. This will be a long road, but your patience and hard work
(lots of it) will reward you enormously as the children grow older and more responsible.
Show them love, even when you are angry with them, and stay with them. They will need you more than you imagine, but they will give back a
life-time of love and joy.
Wizard
October 5, 2007
Question: So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now and it seems he's become too busy to see me. We started seeing each
other in the summer, so school wasn’t an issue. Now, he is in college full time and works a lot as well. I’m finished with school and
just work now. I see him only late at night now due to our conflicting schedules and we’re both always tired. He has flaked out a bunch
lately and hasn’t even called to cancel. I know he is just crashing on the couch but it makes me sad that I won’t see him and that
all my friends have already made plans and I’m stuck at home alone for another Friday night. We haven’t said the "I love
you's" yet but i have very strong feelings and want to say it, but feel that if he's going to just keep ditching me for school (which is
important too), then what’s the use. Should I dump him? I don’t want to but I don’t want to get hurt at the same time.
ANSWER: If your feelings for him are strong enough to keep trying, then don’t dump him. Try to schedule at least one day a week to get
together. If you can’t, and your schedules completely eliminate any dating contact, then either a schedule gets changed or you find another
guy who is not so busy.
However, it is hard to believe that the college schedule is so crammed that he can’t make some time to see you, at least once a week
and not late in the evening. Full-time work will indeed get in the way of fun, but undergraduate college is variable in its time demands outside
of exam time.
Wizard
October 5, 2007
Question: I have been with this married guy for about 2 years, off and on. He gave me a promise ring on my birthday. He claimed someone told
him about me cheating on him with someone else. Honestly, I did not. We are always breaking up, and once it lasted about 2 months and I went on
date with someone that I met. When me and the married guy got back together, I told him about it and decided not to see the new person anymore.
Eight months later, he was looking at my cell phone and found that person called me a few times. I told him it was nothing romantic and don't
even remember the content of the conversation. Now he is all upset and calling me unfaithful, deceitful, and does not know how to be with me. He
wants to end the relationship. He never had to deal with a situation like that before. He keeps saying, “How can I ever trust you when you
promised not to get in touch with that person again? Now I promised him that I was always faithful, honest and loyal to him. What can I do to
correct this? I told him the truth.
ANSWER: Correct what? Don’t bother.
You say the guy is married. Married? This was not a mistake because you repeat it another time in the same paragraph. Hold on to that
thought . . . Married?
An unfaithful married man has no business complaining about the fidelity of his paramour. My goodness gracious, holy wacko, he complains
that you saw another guy? Oh my, he complains about a guy calling you? Holy schmoly.
The best news in your question is he wants to end the relationship.
Kick this guy’s rear-end out of your life forever and be final about it. Shut the door behind him – and lock it.
If the facts you relate are true, wear heavy rubber boots when you kick him out. In the respectful opinion of the wild, woolly, and fully
cognizant wizard, a married guy who does this to you is the gummiest and smelliest glob of worthless spit witnessed in this world north of the
South Pole.
Wizard
October 3, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, My boyfriend loves me very much and he is an ideal person for a marriage. But he is far too much from my
"standard." I want someone who is dominating and brave and strong, in brief, a manly guy. However, he is just the opposite. I dumped
him once but failed. He likes crying and he is very afraid of any horror movies . . . .
ANSWER: If he doesn’t supply you with the qualities you find most interesting, then he is not the guy for you. You prefer Arnold
Schwarzenegger (the Terminator) to Don Knotts (Barney Fife in The Andy Griffith Show).
A guy who likes to cry and is afraid of horror movies is indeed confused. A truly scary horror movie should make him cry, something he likes
to do.
Wizard
October 1, 2007
Question: This married man and I hang out trying to keep it as friends. We both agree that there is no relationship in the future apart from
friends. There are the typical problems arising, though, such as noticing if he does not call me, whereas if my other friends do not call me, I
do not care (within reason). I want to keep this person in my life as a friend, but have these "extra" feelings. Everything was fine
until he kissed me (he started it). Can we back- track? I do not want him to divorce, and actually wish he would find closeness with his wife,
and be just friends with me. Yes, I feel used to make up for the neglect and shortcomings of his wife. But then, maybe it is all lies. Maybe
everything is perfect, but he wants his cake and eat it, too. I have to admit, there is pitter-patter that does not exist with my other friends,
so this is obviously beyond friends. But, I want to back- track, have my emotions under control, and go back to having lunch once in awhile like
with my other friends.
ANSWER: One should cordon him in rope and stretch him so tight his belly-button pops. He knows better. He is a married man who crossed the
line with you and deserves rebuke.
He agreed with you in the beginning that you could only be friends. Friends do not kiss. He wants (even if he doesn’t say it) sex with
you. Period. This is unfair behavior to you.
If you don’t mind him coming on to you, go ahead and try to back-track.
Beware. Lunch every once in a while will tease him. He will fall prey to his fantasies again and act out his temptation. You can call it
back-tracking and he might agree to back-track, but his zeal for friendship will wane and morph quickly into lust.
Go off-track and end the friendship. Better for you to end it right here.
Wizard
October 1, 2007
Question: Ok, so we have been dating for 6 months. I have put my all into it. But since we are "just dating" and he tells me he is
not going to see anyone else, he does anyway. He gets all drunk and sleeps with one of his friends. Then I hear he is always hitting on girls.
But when it's just him and I he tells me "everything is going to be ok." He doesn't have a car. I take him EVERYWHERE and buy him stuff
all the time. But when he gets money he goes with his friends to the bar and goes and has fun! Everyone says we are the cutest couple, but I know
I can do better. I guess I just want to be with him and I don't know why. What should I do??
ANSWER: In his mind that’s it, you’re just dating. He’ free as a bird. He’ll fly and nest wherever he likes, and can
maintain more than one nest apparently.
If you want to be with him, for him that is fine, he allows you under his wing. Someday you might decide you need better than him, and when
that occurs you will dump him. Or, some other day, he will realize he is vulnerable and lonely, and see the trooper you have been for him, and
want to be with you only. If he is lucky, you’ll still feel like you do and want him.
He’s riding on his luck. You can ride with him. This is okay so long as you are having fun and enjoying his company. But keep your
eyes open for a better catch, one who doesn’t want to be so free of you.
Wizard
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