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November 29, 2008
Question: Should I dump a guy if I’m just not feeling it or give it time?
ANSWER: If you’re “not feeling it,” move on. You might under different circumstances feel an attraction to him in your future, but wait for then, and try then. Do not begin a relationship on a hope the feeling will come to you. The feeling of attraction should be the beginning spark. No spark, no flame.
Wiz
November 29, 2008
Question: My boyfriend of about 10 months has been blowing me off lately for his friends. Just in the last week it has happened 5 or 6 times. I wouldn't be so upset but he makes plans with me first and then he calls me to say one of his friends called him to hang out. I understand he needs to see his friends and I wouldn't be upset if he just didn't make plans with me first, or maybe we could all hang out considering they are my friends too. The other night we were supposed to hang out with our friends, but he didn't answer his phone and he told one of our friends to say they were some where else. When I arrived to my friend's house he was there! Should I dump him?
ANSWER: Oh, yes. There is something putrid in the air here. He was dishonest to you, and dismissive of you, and owed you an apology.
Wiz
November 23, 2008
Question: I'm a senior in high school and I'm dating a guy in college. I really don't feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship at all. When I met him I definitely wasn't looking for one. We started hanging out and have now been together for a few months, but only became official about a month ago. We hang out everyday and have become pretty close. I really like him, but I find myself questioning the relationship almost every day. I'm young and have so much I want to do with my life and I almost feel held back. He has no idea what he wants to do in life either and that bothers me. He's such a great guy though, and has done so much for me. He has given up so much for me. He used to be such a jerk back in high school, and just hooked up with girls all the time. I'm the total opposite and haven't done a lot, and that always bothered me. He's changed and is really respectful and cares so much for me. He pressured me into having sex though, which I didn't want to do until I was a lot older. This bothers me and I think about it every day. Things are going so well between us though, but I find myself so unhappy these days. I feel like I'd be sad if we broke up though too. We are good together but I just don't feel like I can be in a relationship. So many times before I wanted to end things with him and was so sure of it, but I just couldn't. I don't know. I feel like he's bad for me. Is liking someone enough or not? I need to do what's best for me?
ANSWER: Yes, do what is best for you. What is best for you is not necessarily best for him. When you decide what is best for you, do not weigh into your thinking what you think is best for him. He will be fine whatever you decide. He will surely make his decisions putting himself first. You should do the same.
If you are in a relationship that you question almost every day, it is likely to be a relationship that is not good for you to continue. It may be that you will be sad when you break up – and that is not unusual or wrong. However, your happiness is paramount, and a relationship that causes you worry or doubt most of the time is not a good foundation upon which to find happiness.
Liking someone is not really enough. You should feel something special about the guy, not just that he is a nice guy. And, if you feel pressured about sex, every guy you date must respect your feeling on that subject and back away, respectfully and graciously, without giving you any further difficulty. If he doesn’t, regardless of how nice a guy you think he is, your dignity and your self-respect are more valuable to you than anything the guy can give you.
Usually, once a guy is in college, he has entered a new world of experience. Dating high school girls is not consistent with the demands and the new interests he’ll run into every day in his new environment. You have little to gain and lots to lose if you date a guy in college while in high school. Almost always, such a relationship will fail eventually, because he will be tempted (indeed, enticed) to be with college girls with whom you could not reasonably expect to compete. Besides that, dating a guy already in college may interfere with your plans for education, if you have some, because dating him while you go to another college is nigh onto impossible.
Wiz
November 23, 2008
Question: Well, I started going out with my really close guy friend. He was pressuring me to kiss him and stuff and I really didn't want to. I felt sick to my stomach and I had a headache. He just kept pestering!
I kissed him once. He thought it was great. I thought it was awful. I managed to avoid another.
I broke up with him shortly after that. He's totally mad and like depressed and stuff now! I just wish he hadn't asked me out. I wish he'd just stayed my closest guy friend.
He wants to go out again. What do I do?
ANSWER: Keep your dignity and do as you wish. Never go out with a guy because he wants to go out with you. You go out with a guy only (and only!) when you want to go out with him.
When you kiss a guy for the first time, if he is someone in whom you are interested, you should feel flushed and tingly (sort of like, “Hoorah! Umh. Let’s do that again!).
You do not stop pestering by saying, “Yes.” He stops pestering when you say, “No.” The only correct response to pestering is, “No. Stop it.”
If he persists, frankly, he is not much of a friend. A guy who pesters is a pest.
Wiz
November 22, 2008
Question: I am 14 and have been seeing a guy for about 6 months. It was recently his birthday and I spent it with him. As far as he’s concerned, things are great between us, but I've been considering dumping him for about 3 months now. He's my first boyfriend, but I'm really bored, because our relationship has always moved very slowly. Also, he takes himself way too seriously, and is a pushover. He is mean to my little sister, but he is a great guy.
Once I was with my friend, Lucy, on MSN, and we were very hyper. This girl my boyfriend knows, Mary, told me to accept this guy, Joe, she knows on MSN. So I did, and Joe straightaway started talking to me, immediately flirting. Because we were hyper, Lucy convinced me to flirt back, and I did, not meaning anything I said though, her coming up with all the replies. Joe sent a copy to Mary who sent it to my boyfriend, who was understandably mad, but we got through it and he forgave me. That was about a month ago.
I want to dump him NICELY and I want to stay friends with him! It would make things a lot easier for all my friends, and I do want to stay friends with him (btw, we go to different schools; him an all boys, me an all girls). Please help!
ANSWER: When your first relationship gets boring, it is time to move on.
When you dump him, tell him you want to remain friends. Tell him he was a great guy and that you enjoyed his company. Tell him that he will be a great date for girls he finds in his future. Tell him, with all that, that you are interested in dating some more with other guys you might meet. Tell him, if you want, that you are too young to be stuck with one guy for so long (it is true, after all). Be swift and sure about it. Don’t criticize him and don’t waiver or sound unsure. And, at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end, it doesn’t matter, tell him you’d like to remain friends. He may or may not agree, and that is something you cannot control. Time will tell.
Wiz
November 22, 2008
Question: Right now I'm 18 years old and having a baby boy. My boyfriend is 19 and sometimes I get mad at him because he likes asking me, "Can I go off and drink with my friends or smoke weed?" It gets me mad for the fact that we are about to have a baby boy and usually boys love looking up to the dads. Maybe I'm being selfish too because I don't let him or trust him to actually go off and do that! I don’t know what to do. I'm really fed up! I've tried letting him go, but he makes me feel bad for the baby. What can I do?
ANSWER: All baby boys should have a dad they look up to. Every dad should be proud to take the opportunity to show his son about life, about living, about being a guy, about being a boy and a dad. It’s great stuff. It makes life enjoyable and worthwhile to be a model for a boy who loves you.
Your boyfriend is still living in his youthful exuberance. He hasn’t – yet – got a clue about being a dad. He will come around if he doesn’t ruin his life doing something stupid. You will be frustrated even more than you are now, because you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you caring for your wonderful child, and you will feel very left out for as long as your boyfriend remains disengaged and unattached to your child and you.
Some guys catch on quick, some slow, some never. If your boyfriend asks you, and then doesn’t do it when you say no, you can hope. When he goes along with you, give him your attention, and tell him what a good dad he’ll be. Positive attention over time will have its effects. Criticisms should be short. Downplay them, if you can, and play up the positive and loving remarks.
Here is why. The instinct of fatherhood is greater than the instincts of youth. Your boyfriend’s desire to “play” with his friends, drinking and smoking weed, is not unusual and not unnatural this day and age. Dangerous or risky behavior is common among youths – and he is still a youth. The instinct of fatherhood is more deeply engrained in him than even he knows.
The seed of good fatherly behavior is planted in him. Tend it and give it water. It will grow and get better over time. Hopefully he catches on to it quickly and weans himself away from the boisterous activities of his buddies. You tend it by not haranguing him about his time with his buddies (though saying no is quite appropriate) and by giving him affection and positive reinforcement when he acts like an attentive and loving father. The temptations of his youth should dry up and wilt while his instinct for fatherhood should grow and thrive.
All of this depends on your boyfriend – what his life growing up with his dad was like, what natural goodness he has in him, how mature he is, and how capable he is of doing the right thing when he has a choice. If he falters, it is regrettable that you had a child out of marriage at such a young age. You chose the father for your baby. You may have to pick up where your boyfriend fails. That means you may carry all or most of the responsibility of teaching and nurturing your (and his) child.
Your motherly instincts will be sorely tested. The content of your question reveals a healthy, thriving mother in you as a person. Your child is lucky to have you as a mom.
Wiz
November 20, 2008
Question: I have been with my guy on and off for four years now. He has mentioned later he wants to marry and all that, but the way he treats me now just ruins all that for me. We have not been together since we hooked up because he always has some lame excuse why he can't come visit me. Time went by and I am like, “Okay. I am done. Four years is enough.” He ignores me when he feels like it and blames me for all our problems. He refuses to take any responsibility. I do love him a lot, but I can't take anymore. In the past when I dump him or vice versa he always seems to come back. What do I do? I don't even know how to end it this time because I know I mean it this time around.
ANSWER: When he comes back, how so? If he asks you out again, say no. If he begs, say no. If he bows before your grace, begs your forgiveness, pleads for your mercy, and offers loads of cash, so no.
When you dump him and mean it, say, “This time I mean it.” Dash his hopes about returning at the beginning of the dump. He has four general options. The first is to lash back at you with some kind of criticism, the second is to whimper and say how sorry he is, the third is to expect you’ll change your mind and leave to come back another day, and the fourth is to take it like a man, which means he wishes you well and leaves.
He doesn’t have to take any responsibility if he’s getting dumped. Getting dumped might cause him to think about why, but he might never “get it.” Don’t expect him to blame himself and apologize for his mistakes. Even so, if you are sure this is the last time you dump him, you must stick with it and mean it. If he says he is sorry, apologizes, and accepts the blame for everything, you still let him take it on the chin.
You say you don’t know how to do it this time because you know you mean it this time. The way to do it is 1) be real sure this is what you want and 2) do it in a way that you mean it. You must do as advised here, if you mean it. Dump him swiftly and clearly. When he comes back, no matter how or when, you say no.
Wiz
November 16, 2008
Question: I just wanted to say thanks so much for answering my question. At first I thought this site only answered one out of a million people. But it turns out that you are really helpful and you give advice to everyone that you are able to. After reading your response, I immediately cut that jerk off that didn’t appreciate me. It was hard but the wiz knows best. Now I have time to focus on a guy that likes me for me and not what I am able to do for him. Thanks Wiz!!!
ANSWER: Compare:
One who wants you for something, with
One who loves you for nothing.
You made the right choice.
Wiz
November 16, 2008
Question: I have been having an affair with the married man for a year and a half so far. I am married as well, but I don't love my husband and haven't had any sexual relations with him for more than three years. I started an affair just for sex, but very soon fell deeply in love with that man. I tried to tell him a couple of times that I felt more deeply for him, but every time I said that he shouted at me and informed me that he was with me for sexual reasons only. He is married as well and obviously in love with his wife since they use child-speak when talking to each other on the phone and exchange love SMS when he is on trips with me (we work together) such as I miss you, My love, etc. He claims he has no feelings for me whatsoever, but when we are apart for more than three weeks or so (we live in different cities but work for the same company), he calls many times and send messages to say that he misses me and can't wait to see me again. Even after a year and a half the sex is great. He even holds my hand in public when we are in a city where nobody knows. Over this period since we started our affair we have been together on average 10 out of 30 days a month. We sleep every night together when on those trips and wake up together. I tried to dump him three times, but in vain. He tried to dump me two times, but changed his mind. He does not let me utter a single word that has anything to do with love or any kind of emotion. I often buy him small presents and he is very happy to receive them. He has never bought me anything, not even a simple lighter.
Please help me to get rid of this horrible feeling of love. Please help me to find strength to call it final quits. I have kids, and they need me, and I just cannot stop thinking about him. This is crazy since he does not care about my feelings at all and I have become a nervous wreck. In reality, I am an extremely successful person in my job and my life. Something like this has never ever happened to me in my whole life. Nothing I say would hurt him; everything he says hurts me. I am 46 and he is 48. Please help me get back my life and sanity.
ANSWER: He has found a woman he loves and has no room for another woman to love. You have not found a man to love. One man is your husband, whom you do not love, and the other is a man already married who treats you no better than an object. Hence, you are loveless and needing love.
It is crazy to love a man who will not, and probably cannot, love you, especially when you acknowledge that the entire relationship is built on a foundation of sex.
The obvious solution is to revive your love for your husband, though one must assume you feel it is not possible if you haven’t tried it. Your children need you (you acknowledge that also) and you husband doesn’t? Perhaps not.
The details in your question are all about the married man with whom you work and have sex. The focus is all wrong. You agree, from the last paragraph, that you need your life and sanity back, but you can’t stop thinking about him. If you had succeeded in ridding him from your mind, your question would have focused on your children, or you, or maybe your relationship with your husband.
The wiz makes a bold recommendation that you get employment elsewhere. If your employer has a division in a different location, move to it. If your employer allows you to move laterally to a new position, move to it. Whatever you do – get away from this guy. Do not travel with him again.
If you separate yourself from him, you should be able to find distraction in other people, places, and things so you direct your interests toward your family, where you and your interests belong. If you cannot accomplish this on your own, get professional help (from an employment counselor, licensed social worker, or psychologist, or whatever else you need). If you do not do this for family, do it for yourself.
You are a squirrel hanging on a flimsy branch 300 feet high above solid rock. You will fall if you move further along the branch (continuing in the direction you are going). You will fall soon if you stay where you are (letting things remain unchanged without any effort to help yourself). You cannot save yourself and get back toward the tree trunk (change your direction and put your interests where they belong) unless you insert your sharp claws into the meat of the branch behind you and pull yourself back. You must do this to save your life (stability and strength exist at the tree trunk) and keep your sanity (your family and friends wait for you at the tree roots).
Wiz
November 13, 2008
Question: Hello, I am just starting out a sophomore in high school. I started out last year as a freshman, of course, and I met a student. As I got to know him, I realized he was very smart, nice, hardworking, funny in a corny sort of way, and when he smiles it’s always warm and sincere. I liked him, if you can't tell.
Anyway, I started liking him in mid October, but in September when I first started taking the train to school, I met a girl named Sue. She was Asian, calm, and very nice, and I trusted her completely. I was taking the train with her one day on the way home and she and our friend started talking about guys and such. They asked me if I liked anyone and I told them who and he wound up going to their school the year before. Sue had an idea and said he was in her gym class and she should tell him someone likes him but not say who. I never get into drama, never have, didn't want to, but out of all honesty it was a hot day and the train was crowded and I wasn't thinking and I was like, “I don't mind. I mean, what could it hurt?” And really, I didn't think she was going to. I thought she would forget since it was just a little conversation on the train. I totally forgot.
Anyway, the next day I arrived at school and Sue told me 4th period that she had told him. She said when she asked him to guess he guessed one girl randomly, which was a joke, then another, then me. Then, even though Sue kept saying no's and maybes he kept guessing me, so when I heard that I was like, “I wonder if that means he really thinks I like him or he likes me a little.” And, Honestly here, I did not show I liked him at all.
We were casual, casual friends and he would make me laugh and was a tiny bit innocent and flirty with me once in a while. I figured if I didn't show I liked him, and he guessed me, MAYBEEEEE he may have liked me. And I never ever think that about anyone even though I hadn't really liked many people before him at all, basically one other before him in like elementary school. So yeah, but regardless, I was nervous and I don't know why since he didn't know it was me.
But I had a good reason to be nervous because when I went to fifth period math he went around a little like, “You know who likes me, because I heard someone did?” I was thinking, first of all, “Ooh no!” And I was thinking, second of all, “Who asks around?” Even if it’s like 2 people. But whatever. I played it very cool, like I didn't like him.
But, OH MAN, WAS IT AWKWARD when he came over at the end of class to my friend, Audry (she’s the class clown who sits in front of me - just saying), and he asked her. And I, very calm, cool, and collected, walked by both of them and waved a little casual goodbye, and I went on with my awkward rest of the day with him in the school.
But wait! It gets better. About a week and a half later there's this girl, Lori, who SOMEHOW FINDS OUT I LIKE THIS GUY because she probably eavesdropped in gym when Sue would tell him there’s someone. And there’s another girl, Karen, who was the other girl on the train "that day" and she was friends with Audry. So, I am guessing she "slipped" and told Audry and Audry tells the guy I was the one who liked him. Yeah, Audry is a !@%#! (rhymes with her name).
But anyway, now he knows and there’s a whole drama going on and I don't know. And after 5th period with "him" and lunch afterward I was off to 7th and I hear Sue tell me he knows! I’m waiting outside the class with my class and she says he knows!! I WAS SOOO not embarrassed, just SUPER SHYYY. Very uncomfortable. And it doesn't help when more people kind of know and "he" walks by and everyone is like, “Oh!”
There he is! And I'm like wow! Don't make it TOO OBVIOUS. Ugh .. . But anyway, that day in class, my friend Bill was standing and I was sitting in front of him and we were all doing this class project together and "he" calls over and he says, “Sarah! I mean Bill!” he stuttered. I was like, “Wow.” He was shy too. And I guess he was thinking about the whole situation because this was the first class of the day where we both knew that we knew and I was apparently sooooooo red in the face. But, oh well.
Then he came over and stood behind me talking to Bill while I was tense in my chair and very shaky inside. Like I feel like if I said a word it would be jibberish-like. I couldn't explain this shaky feeling. And the next day in the hall, Lori came up to me and randomly said he didn't like me. She said sorry, and I didn't get it because she was a part of the situation, but not really. I don't know how she knew or if she knew, but I said oh. I acted like I wasn't hurt and I didn't think I would be, but Oh man I was inside even though I was good at hiding it. And then it was basically awkward for the next couple of months. And I Don't exaggerate. AWKWARD.
And then there was an occasional day where he would smile. Rare. Very, very, very rare.
But he would talk to me online. That he would. Which was funny, and annoying at the same time. And he would be like, “Hi, what’s up?” And I would say whatever was going on, like watching t.v, homework, etc. And I said, “How are you?” And he would really tell me, “Oh, I don't feel great,” and tell me about his day or say he felt pretty good etc.
And I remember on New Year’s Eve we were talking and I was doing English homework a little bit and in the other room there was a big party, and I honestly could have talked to him forever. And it was my dad’s birthday once on New Year’s Day and I said I had to go celebrate my dad's birthday and the ball drop and he was like, “Oh, have fun! Tell your dad I said Happy Birthday.” And I just thought he was the sweetest and he would only talk to other people online about homework and school but with me, he would talk like friends. And then, once in school, he totally ignored me. And I mean, it’s not so much that I felt awkward but yeah, that and ignored. NOT GOOD FEELINGS.
And we would say hi sometimes and things. And I like to say I didn't like him because "he didn't like me" but deep down I still did a little bit. But anyway yea - and we had a mock trial dealing with mythology in English 7th period for basically the last 2 months of school and I was the sketch artist, since I draw, and he would speak up then and be like, “Hey! You got to draw me.” And he was a prosecutor and he would tell me that almost everyday and smile and I would think gee, I would like to, but it would probably be awkward to stare at you and draw you. And he would complement my art and he was very nice. But he always goes from nice to ignore. Not ignore in a mean way, in a shy, awkward way.
But yeah, then the rest of the year finished out and when sophomore year started we had gym first period together and, well, in the same gym. But my closest friend and him were in the class on one side of the gym and me on the other, but our classes combined after we took attendance and within the first 2 days, on the 2nd of sophomore year, I walked across the gym to talk to my close friend and he was sitting behind her. And I was talking to her and he randomly popped in the conversation and said, “Hey, Sarah! How are you doing?” And I was like, “Hey, fine! What about you, how was your summer?” And he was like, “Good,” and he said, “Do you like your classes?” And such, and I was like, “Yeah, they’re all right so far even though we haven’t done much.” And he laughed and was like, “Yeah, same here. English is a pain.” And I was like, “I know.” And we had the same teacher it turns out and we talked most of the period.
Then within the week we had stupid spelling tests in English and he is very smart but we studied them together anyway and laughed about it. And I really thought that over the summer I totally was over him and the whole situation, but I slowly like him a little again. This time only I knew. And sometimes he would be, “Hi” and sometimes not. And still again, I did a little, and even now he says “Hi” with a smile. And if we had a test in a class he usually had the class before me and I would see him walk out of the class late, since he checks over his tests like a million times first then hands it in. And he would walk out and I would walk in and he would say, “Sarah!” And I’d be like, “Ahh! The test!” And he would be like, “Ahh, it was okay.” And I would be like, “Okay.”
And I never know if he likes me or not, or if I like him all that much, or if I should just stop liking him and it is always, ALWAYS on my mind. So I know that this may have been a long and pointless story, but I can't like anyone else because he is the only one I've ever really liked, and no one else catches my attention besides him. So what should I do? Forget him? I DON'T KNOW! Am I too young to even think about this stuff? Thank you for reading this novel I have written.
ANSWER: You are like ships passing in the night. If, when you pass each other, you both ignore each other, you’d be in a boring sea. If, however, you both wave at each other, jump up and down, and yell, “Ahoy!” from across the bow, you’d both learn to look for each other for the next time you pass, and the blue sea would brighten.
Don’t forget him. Life is meant to fill in with moments like you’ve expressed in your story. You are not too young, whatever your age, to think about this stuff. You are living and thinking and experiencing and playing and studying and doing and, goodness, it all goes on and on, just like your story. Keep it going and enjoy it for all it's worth. Life will get more complicated, more important, more serious, and more consequential (meaning the more things you do, the more consequences that will follow), so enjoy it for all its worth at your age.
Wiz
November 13, 2008
Question: I do love him and care about him. But, I don't want to date him. I am scared if I break up with him he will kill himself. What should I do?
ANSWER: Would you tie yourself to a mangy beast if he would kill himself when you leave? Does it matter that you don’t want to date him and you are not married?
Whatever his weakness, whatever his illness, whatever his suicidal angst, he is not your keeper.
You must never decide not to break up with someone for fear of what harm he might do to himself. It is not and it cannot be your responsibility. You are not his mother, his psychiatrist, his angel from heaven.
Wiz
November 12, 2008
Question: I met a guy on dating site and our first meeting was beginning of May this year. He was talking with his ex-wife at the time. He talks with her quite frequently and was freely telling me how he takes one of her daughters, who is grown, but has a disability. The reason he said he was taking the days off was because his ex-wife doesn't have any days off and wouldn't get paid. So, I listened to this for quite a while. Well, I caught him in two lies trying to hide the fact that she called, etc. Besides this, he is very, very attentive to me and my 3 teenage kids. He tells me how much he cares for me and tells me how it is so over with her. He said he realizes how he did wrong in lying to me about that and she is definitely history. Well, am I foolish by moving forward with him? Yes, I care for him very much, as well. But, what do you think?
ANSWER: First, let’s be sure she is his ex-wife. Even with that established, he has established relationships with her children and he will likely remain involved with them. Consequently, he is disingenuous to say she is history if he means they won’t be talking again. However, you don’t mind, do you, if he spends time with her disabled child, and talks with her about her children?
If he is truly attentive to you, that is most important, and is good to your three daughters, he can be a good friend, and maybe in time a companion. If all that goes well over time, it might ripen into something even more worthwhile.
Tread lightly. Read the signs. Don’t go off the path. See where it all takes you.
Wiz
November 12, 2008
Question: Should I break up with him? He's jealous, insecure, inconsiderate, selfish, and rude, and he's moving in a few weeks.
ANSWER: Oh, yeah.
Is the Pope Catholic? Does the sun rise in the East? Is the earth round? Did I just stub my toe?
Wiz
November 11, 2008
Question: I have been with this guy for a good while now, and we are great friends. But I don’t think that we will make a great couple unless a miracle happens. My dad doesn’t like him because he lives so far away. What do I need to do??
ANSWER: Your dad knows more about your circumstances than the wiz can know from your question. The odds are generous that he knows best. A long distance is usually bad for any relationship, even if it starts off with great hope.
Wiz
November 11, 2008
Question: Okay, if he never talks to me or even knows I am there and laughs at me, should I keep it going?
ANSWER: Good gracious, no.
Wiz
November 8, 2008
Question: I met this guy who had been legally separated for almost a year. He told me he was interested and would be getting a divorce in a couple weeks. We hung out for a couple weeks, but no commitment was made that we were exclusive. I let him have his space and found out he went back with his ex-wife. About 2 months later he got my number again and asked me if I would give him another chance. He wanted to be with me. We were together again for about 2 weeks inseparable. Then on a Sunday night he came over acted a little strange. I knew something was up. He stayed the night with me and left to go to work Monday morning. I didn’t hear from him that whole week. I tried to call him. He wouldn’t answer. I looked on his separated wife’s My Space where I read she was spending time with her hubby, so I knew he was back with her. When I finally did talk to him, he said she cried to him and told him she was sorry for not showing him the attention he needed. So he went back to her. I was furious. I told him off. Let me add in here they have a child together. He says he goes back because of his child. Now they are on the outs again and he’s trying to contact me again. What do you think I should do?
ANSWER: Stay away.
Read the answer to the other question that came in on this same day. Unless you have a hankering for cold and callous pain, stay far away.
Enough said.
Wiz
November 8, 2008
Question: This married guy (I know) reeled me in (I truly did resist by telling him to work on his marriage - but anyway), then got sick of me, and wants to throw me away. I am always at his convenience and back burner. It is quite humiliating. I do not have a lot going for me because I am sick and cannot get out much. He came on so strong at the beginning. Now it is just he opposite. I guess my question is he keeps saying he cares about me, but does not act like it. Is this probably because he is scared I will tell his family? How ungracious is it of me to tell his family instead of just walking away? He caused(s) me so much pain. Shouldn't he feel some, too? Sooooo, much cunning, cold and callous pain.
ANSWER: Too bad you didn’t get the wiz’s advice about dating married guys. It’s a dead-end proposition and fraught with difficulties all the way up to the end.
Anyway, here is the follow-up advice. If the guy does not act like he cares, he doesn’t. Once you realize he doesn’t care, get out of his life and forget him. If you carry on with him as a date or as an enemy, you will cause yourself more pain and humiliation.
Hence! Do not contact his family. Just walk away. If you attempt to cause him pain, all of it will double back to you. Stay cool and aloof. Find value in another relationship and give your life meaning apart from and completely disassociated with the guy who reeled you in.
You are worth far more than whatever he could take from you.
Wiz
November 7, 2008
Question: When I first met the guy we hit it off. We were on the phone everyday and we went out twice along with having sex once. One day we talked for over two hours. Then the next day he cut me off completely and he stopped calling me for almost four months. Then one day he surprisingly called me and I tried not to act excited, but I really liked him. He said he was unhappy with himself and that he was not able to make me happy because he was financially unstable. He also admitted that he slept with other women during those four months he cut me off. However, he said they were not just used for sex and that I was a distraction because he had feelings for me but couldn’t make me happy. I believed it even though friends said he may have been lying. So we started going out again every weekend. We hit it off great. He treated me so nice and was really into me. Then one day I came over and saw a text in his phone from a girl talking about the sex they had two days prior. Instead of telling him I was snooping, I asked if he was seeing someone and he said no. I knew he was lying. In fact, I found out he slept with three different girls since we have been seriously dating, but he still denies it. I know he’s lying and he says I have a lot to learn because I’m still young. In fact, he’s 39 and I’m 25. I do like him but I think I deserve better. Everyone has told me to leave this walking STD alone because he can’t keep his (little boy) in his pants. But I know he has it in him to be a good guy, I guess. Should I just find someone close to my age or someone else that appreciates me? Please help?
ANSWER: Yes, to both questions. Find someone closer to your age and someone who appreciates you, all in one package.
He probably does have it in him to be a good guy. Most guys do. However, he is using you to satisfy a sexual need. That is all. He’s making conquests left and right, having fun doing it, and looking for willing women to do it with him. You are a fun convenience. In another few years he’ll be less attractive to younger women and he’ll feel less sexual energy. He’ll probably settle down and be a good guy.
When he does, you should already be with someone else who is closer to your age with a lot of life in him and who appreciates you for all the good things you are, wanting you for what you are, not what you can do for him.
Wiz
November 6, 2008
Question: I have my bachelor degree in Behavioral Science, if you ever get overloaded and want someone to work for you. Anyways, I really love the website and the philosophy behind it: "Whatever you think, you are right." I'm pretty sure the Wizard needs no help but it is worth asking.
ANSWER: Oh, so nice of you to offer your help. The life and times of the wiz are too overloaded to burden another soul. Thank you so much, so very much, for your message.
Every one who dates should learn essential lessons on this site. One of them is what you write: “Whatever you think, you are right.” If you think you want to stay with a guy, or if you think you don’t, whichever it is, it is right for you because you think it. There is no matter in what others think. The sole decision-maker is, and should be, you. And, it does not matter what the reason is. It could be that his nose drips too much, his gait is clumsy, his nails are too long, he likes mayonnaise, looks like your uncle, or wherever else your preference lies. As we grow older we learn tolerance is a virtue. Nonetheless, what you feel in your gut is okay.
Simple enough, but forgotten by so many.
Wiz
November 5, 2008
Question: O.K., Wizard. Very disturbing. My boyfriend kicked me out yesterday. He said I never did anything like cook or clean – but I did (not every day), but I did. I even work and he doesn't. He said he had been humoring me for the last 3 months and that he wanted to break up a long time ago. So I got my stuff and was kind of lingering on the porch and he asked if he would have to throw me out. He said I want to break up . . . get it! So I got it and I left. So I go to my parent's house and he calls and says to come back for a meeting. He keeps calling. Should I even answer the phone? I love him but that feeling might be bad for me in the long run. I don't know.
ANSWER: He regrets something, but what he wants is not you. He wants what any girl can give him. From you, he deserves nothing.
Leave him be. He dumped you in a crude, uncivilized manner and should receive no kindness in return. As a human being you can forgive him with grace. As a dumpee you are best off avoiding his calls and letting him stew in his own boiling pot.
Wiz
November 3, 2008
Question: Should I dump this guy? We have been dating for about a month. In the beginning I really liked him, but now it seems that I get annoyed with him easily. I also tend to avoid him and now he keeps asking me if I am mad. What do I do?
ANSWER: Yes, you should dump him. Getting annoyed with him and avoiding him is no way to grow a relationship. Clearly you need to find someone else who keeps you more interested.
It is quite normal to think a guy is so cool and then in a month, or even earlier, decide he is clammier than a fish.
Wiz
November 2, 2008
Question: I love my boyfriend. When I'm with him he makes me so happy, but when I'm not with him I'm miserable. All I can think about is how he doesn't believe in god, and how he 'forgets' to call me when I ask him to, and how much we argue on the phone. I actually thought about breaking it off before, but when he found out he was very upset. And I figured if it bothered him that much then he must really love me . . . wrong! I told him yesterday to his face that I truly loved him, and he told me he didn't like love. What is that supposed to mean? He’s never going to love me? I have no idea what to do! Dump him??? But here’s my main problem. If I dump him I'll be without a boyfriend. And when I'm single I get depressed because I'm overly dependant upon guys. So should he stay or should he go?
ANSWER: Don’t love a guy who doesn’t like love. This advice is easy as one plus one equals something near to two, depending on points that bother only philosophers and mathematicians.
You are overly dependant on guys if you must stay in a relationship that isn’t working just because you must be with a guy. You will be happier to find a guy who gets nearer to what you think is important in a relationship – believing in god, returning your phone calls, no arguments, and likes love. For the last in that list, almost any guy will be better. The guy who doesn’t like love should go.
Wiz
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