|
May 30, 2008
Question: I have been dating a guy for 4 years. We are together every day and he has been married 3 times. He has 2 kids and I have 3 kids. He won't move in with me or marry due to finances. He says he doesn't want to get married until the kids are grown and IF I want to live together I can move in to his tiny studio apartment with him, where he knows he can afford the bills and won't get stuck. I live in a big house. What should I do? I want to at least live together or get married, but I could barely fit my shoes into his tiny apartment, much less all of our kids! Ridiculous! Help!
ANSWER: If you own or rent a big house, and can afford it, have him move in to your place. He can pay you what he pays for his other place. He’ll have more room, more fun with you, and it won’t cost him any extra cash.
You can put the agreement in writing, if necessary, except be sure that you reserve the right to kick him out on notice if you don’t like him there any more.
Wizard
May 29, 2008
Question: My boyfriend of almost 3 years moved out because he says he gets to a point where he feels he needs to see other women. He says he still loves me and he still wants to see me but he wants his freedom to see if this is a better way for him to live. He told me he did not want to lose me? He seems confused, but I don't think I can stand by while he fits me in between other women. I love him, but I really don't know what to do. I seem miserable not talking with him and I am in pain trying to fit into the new situation if I agree to still see him.
ANSWER: This guy should learn that most women don’t like belonging to a harem. Most also don’t like being one of many wives. And, consistent with these principles for adults, young girls don’t like being on a guy’s long list, even if they are first on the list.
Dump him, unless you think it is okay for him to be unfaithful to you because you love him so much. You should see what other guys are out there. If you don’t find any, and the guy decides you are the tops, maybe he’ll come back intending to be faithful and you will take him back. Otherwise, say, “Hasta la vista, baby.”
Wizard
May 28, 2008
Question: I wrote to you a while ago about my then boyfriend that needed a break. Well, it’s been a little over a month and there is no communication between the two of us, so I’m assuming it’s over. I have been talking to a couple of guys and they are sweet and cute and all, but it doesn’t feel the same. I want to be fair to them and not start something I can’t put my all into. The problem is that my heart still belongs to my ex. Obviously, he has made his choice, so I need to accept it, right?
My other problem is that my ex’s best friend and I have gotten really close. We became friends before I started dating my ex and when his friend and I split he was there to support me. I was recently informed that my ex’s best friend, Tom, had a crush on me before I started dating Ron (my ex), and now since I am currently single he has decided to share this information with me. Tom currently has a girlfriend of two years but has told me that she does not support him the way I do, and says that we have a ton of things in common, which is true, but at the same time I don’t want to be the other girl. I believe in commitment and would do nothing to interfere with that. If it wasn’t for him being Ron’s best friend and him having a girlfriend I could see something there. We have a connection that is strange because it just kind of happened. I am comfortable enough with him to be my whole self. I don’t have to hide anything and I can tell him anything. I’m really confused. If you have any advice I would love to hear it.
ANSWER: You can tell your ex that you assume it’s over and see how he reacts. Given what you have written in the past, it might be over, and yes, you should learn to adjust to it if it is over.
If you are interested in Ron, you can stay interested and see what happens. He seems interested in you, and perhaps he is more interested in you than the girl he has been dating. If you keep him interested by being positive and friendly with him, you should accept if he asks you on a date. If he runs into trouble with the other girl, the relationship is probably already on a slide downhill. If she is a friend of yours, you might want to give her some slack.
Don’t worry about him being your ex’s best friend. No one is cheating on your ex. He chose to take a break, not you.
Wizard
May 27, 2008
Question: Hi, my name is Rose. I have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. I am in need of some advice. This guy I’m with cannot keep a job. My kids don’t like him anymore either. They are 7 and 10 years old. I got access to his email and craigslist account and found some naked pics of himself as well as him sending emails out to other females. I had confronted him about it and he said that he only wanted to see if any one would respond. This has been going on since December, 2006 on craigslist. I think he is full of it when it comes to that excuse. When I would walk into the room he would close his yahoo messenger when he knew I’m coming. I know this much. He does not plan on leaving, ever. I had tried to break up with him and he was going to do something spiteful in order to get me in trouble. As for the job part he will only pay when employed for his part of whatever he uses. Is that normal? He says that he does a lot for me like watch the kids since my other babysitter left due to a new job, does laundry, and been walking my dog due to a surgery that I had, and goes to the store and takes my kids to a couple of appointments.
What should I do about this guy? Does he even know how to have a relationship?
ANSWER: If you and the kids don’t like him any more, it is time to tell him to find another place to live. He can go on craigslist any time he wants.
If you want a babysitter, you’ll pay for one. A live-in babysitter is never a good idea if he’s male and wants you or, worse, wanted you but now won’t leave.
If by “he will only pay when employed for his part of whatever he uses” you mean he will pay only for what he uses when he uses it, that is not normal among house mates, soul mates, date mates, or any other kind of mate.
Wizard
May 27, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, We were so in love, this man and I. But long distance, frequent misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and incompatibility in our spiritual beliefs tore our love asunder. Until recently, we still talked and even considered getting back together, but in our last conversation, he told me that since we broke up, he'd had sex twice with a "friend with benefits" and that it was awful, and he was just trying to get some comfort, and he still loves me.
I understand his seeking comfort. I'm trying to move on myself. But I just don't understand why he had to tell me that. Maybe he's trying to hurt me because I told him about other men being interested in me and that I was (I thought) ready to go ahead and date other men. Maybe he thought that telling me about his friend would help me move on, or maybe he thought telling me would make me jealous and spur me to come back? I just can't understand why he told me what I'd already felt was going on anyway. I had sensed his emotional distance, and it made me want to be distant with him. Since he told me about this, I feel disgust toward him and want nothing more to do with him. I have stopped all communication with him. Still it's hard to move on.
I want to date other men, but am still feeling hurt. I think about him a lot and I get angry over things that were said and done. Several other men are expressing interest in me, but I'm not really into any of them.
Should I go ahead and date anyway, or should I wait until I feel more disconnected from him? Do you think that dating would help me get over this hurt? I think maybe it'd be unfair or misleading to another guy until I feel better about the end of this relationship, but then I think, maybe it would help me get onto feeling better if I do just go out for fun. The thing is, men tend to want to get romantic with me and I feel vulnerable.
I hope you can say something that will help me deal with all. Thank you!
ANSWER: The time clock of the dating world moves at your rate. No time related reason compels you to date Now rather than Later. Date when you are comfortable dating, knowing that the reason for your taking time is your own reason and requires no justification or rationale that meets anyone’s requirements but your own. However, once you start dating again, it will likely help you get over the hurt, especially if you are interested in the one you are dating.
The wizard cannot know for sure why your former boyfriend said what he said, but suspects that he still suffers from some amount of insecurity when it comes to maleness and sex, and told you of his success in sexual conquest. It probably had nothing to do with you and nothing to do with any scheming on his part about you. He probably wanted to hear himself say it more than have you hear it. His statement was more a means of self-gratification and revelation of his machismo (however much of it he really has) than anything else.
This is a normal young male “thing” that should cause you no concern, especially about yourself. Usually the guy does this with other guys, but you were a convenient and easy target. If the wizard is right (and may not be), don’t try to find meaning in it because for you there is no meaning.
Wizard
May 26, 2008
Question: I've been with my man for almost a year. Things were going great. We would sleep together, he would take me to work, and etc., until I screwed things up. I went out with my ex and my boyfriend found out. He doesn't take me anywhere! He says that now he can't trust me but he moves in with another woman after the incident but neglects to tell me. I finally found out and have seen the other woman around the family, in front of my eyes! I still love him. He says he still loves me but he only wants sex and nothing else now. Apparently he is concerned about not being able to get a woman pregnant, and it is stressing him out. I really love him and I know he really loves me, but no action behind his words. I have shown action over and over again (I’m still paying for it) but like he wants to stay with both of us. I’m finished begging and pleading, but I’m getting a bit frustrated because I don't want a man to only screw me and nothing else. Help?
ANSWER: Do not date a guy just for the sex. If you love him, and if he loves you, the calculation should result in one plus one equals one, that is, each of you alone are two but together you are one. But unfortunately, he has taken your mistake to heart, or he has other reasons for dumping you.
Either way, he seems committed to being with the other woman. He has moved in with her. And if he wants you only for sex, the calculation is one plus one equals one, that is, each of you alone are two and together you don’t count, which is no way to continue in a relationship.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: My boyfriend (?) told me six months ago that he was in love with me. I believed him, and acted in kind. Trouble is, he said he was, but he did not act like it. He treated me pretty badly, actually constantly putting me on the back burner to other priorities at a moment's notice. I have to admit that part of this is my fault or whatever you would call it because I have expressed despair over being basically his unpaid hooker. He does not like to hear it that way, but that is what he wants – someone to be fun and sexy at his convenience. Then, when he is done, I go away without any hurt feelings or emotional attachment, and just do my own thing until he has the convenience to call me again.
He does not like it when I am emotional. To me, I am just trying to communicate my feelings of confusion that he told me he was in love with me, and his actions speaking so different. He always cuts me off when I go into this.
Well, the other night he came up with a good one. To get out of being in love with me any more he said, "You are not the girl I fell in love with." I messed up and did not ask him what has changed. But, I feel like that is a pretty good one, and you guys should put that in your book of how to dump a girl, or at least get out of that love stuff.
He says he still wants me in his life and all that, but he does not love the neurotic mess HE CREATED by not acting out being IN LOVE with me. I did ask him if he has ever heard of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. He says he never has. And, from his words the other night, perhaps that is true.
He is a Buddhist. Don't they know a lot about love and how to treat people right? That is a whole new subject for perhaps a different Web site. Well, that is it for now.
Hey - Love your site! And, get this, I told my therapist about it, and read him something you wrote me before, and he thought your advice was right on. He even jotted down the Web site. Kudos to you.
ANSWER: Kudos to you for the great narrative!
The Buddhists do not own a corner on the market of love and treating people right – most religions do the same thing. Regretfully, some people do wicked things when they think they are morally right, whether or not a religion is the source of their training or education.
When a guy says, “You are not the girl I fell in love with,” he really means that you are different from what he thought you were or hoped you were. It is not a change in you; it is a realization in his mind that you are different from what he had imagined or wished. If there is fault (and usually there isn’t), it is with him for imagining what you are not or wishing what you could not be.
His fault is using the phrase and for that he should feel guilty. No one should use it to get out of the “love stuff” because it implies that the dumpee is not good enough. Frankly, many dates who get dumped are far better people than the ones dumping them. Every one who must end a relationship will do much better to keep it entirely positive and complimentary without derogatory phrases and criticisms, however warranted they may be.
You were right to complain to him about becoming a convenience date. Girls should be sensitive to this problem and get out as soon as it happens. You did yourself well.
By the way, you did not dump him with derogatory phrases and criticisms. You complained about your hurt feelings in a bad situation. You used an intelligent, direct means of ending the relationship by discussing the hurt you felt from an arrangement that, in your perception, had turned bad. In this way you spoke about the relationship and how it made you feel. He could perceive himself part of the cause and fix it, or he could perceive you as the primary cause. He chose to perceive you as the primary cause. You brilliantly let him choose and, when he blamed you (with the above quoted phrase), it ended.
Wizard
May 23, 2008
Question: Hmmm, I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago and he is still calling and acting like he's my boyfriend. He keeps tabs on if my car is in my parent’s driveway and he tells me all of this negative stuff about my new boyfriend, like he has STDs and cheats on me with his ex and on and on almost to a detrimental point, almost to where I want to break up with my new boyfriend of 7 months even though I love him. My ex was always there for me and still is but I feel he is manipulative over my life. He says he won't be friends with me if I'm with the new guy.
ANSWER: Your ex must get over it. If you love your current boyfriend, you should be able to date him without interference from a boyfriend who you broke up with a full year ago.
Your current boyfriend shouldn’t be burdened by this either.
Tell your ex that if he keeps up this obnoxious behavior, he is no friend of yours.
Your question suggests that you listen to your ex boyfriend. You “almost” broke up with your current boyfriend because of your ex boyfriend’s lies. Don’t entice or act like you listen to him. His behavior is manipulative and obnoxious.
Wizard
May 22, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend exclusively for six years. I really thought that we had something special and that the last thing on our minds would be to share each other with someone else. He ended up asking me for a threesome with another woman. I could not believe it because I thought that he knew how disgusted I would be at the idea. After all, he had plenty of time to know the answer to that after dating me for six years. I was truly offended by the idea. The question itself made me feel like he truly does not love or respect me and it also brought my confidence down. I am a very intelligent, beautiful, young, Ph. D. student and I cannot believe that a man who I thought loved and respected me had the audacity to ask such a disgusting question. I am appalled. I already dumped him, but I want to know if I did the right thing. After all, both times that I asked him if he would have intercourse with the other woman, he specified that he would only do it if he had my permission.
ANSWER: You made the right decision because you were offended and appalled. Your mind and body gave you an immediate reaction – which is a clear signal that the behavior he wanted to do was unacceptable to you, and that is adequate reason for a dump.
It is surprising, however, that it took six years to find out his willingness to engage in sex with another woman. His answer to your question about having intercourse with another woman is no improvement. He didn’t say no. He said only with your permission – which means he would if you let him.
That is not a good answer for a guy who has loved you for six years.
Wizard
May 21, 2008
Question: Uugh, I am at a loss. I’m infatuated with a guy from work. We don’t ever see each other there. ALL the women swoon over him because he is soooo charming and abnormally OVERLY good-looking. I hear it EVERY day!! He even told me a married woman at work told him she'd like to sleep with him . . . eeewww. Said he didn’t because she was married, but he did talk to her for awhile then they just kind of stopped talking. I’m not married (divorced), but is that what he’s going to do with me, just quit talking to me over time??? He texts almost every day at work and night but Wed and Sunday (yeah, no church he says). He pops up little sarcastic texts when I am out on Fri or Sat night, like "are you having fun? Enjoying yourself?" Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don’t. HE COULD be out with me!!! The actual phone calls last up to 4 hrs. Most of the talks (and yes some not-to-nasty pictures were sent . . . uugh), but when they are not sexual the conversation flows and is VERY comfortable. In person it’s very relaxed and fun. I am a control freak and I think he is too, but I also have NO patience. I’ve asked him to lunch and to public events and nothing. We have been to lunch 4 times back in Oct, Nov, and Dec and now he says he doesn’t want work people to talk about who he is seeing. Who cares??? Plus people aren’t dumb. Don’t they know there is an attraction between us? Some do know we’ve had lunch before.
Okay, so the problems are: #1 I really, really like him, but HATE waiting on calls. He doesn’t know I hate it :) I feel eternally like I am chasing him, although he starts 99% of the calls and texts. #2 I have NEVER had to wait on a guy; if I liked them, they liked me. I’m pretty. Am I allured by this chase? #3 I CAN’T give him up because I LIKE HIM and I think he is going to maybe come around. #4 A girlfriend? Says he doesn’t, but why, given his looks and personality? If he did have one, he can’t be that into her if he talks to me, right? He’s also straight as a board!!! #5 Even though men approach me VERY often I cant get him off my mind, I quickly size them up because they don’t compare to him!!! #6 Here is the kicker. His father was arrested for something really bad and is "registered" . . . lets just say sexual in nature. He didn’t tell me about it, someone else did. He does not know I know about it. It’s very underground, old, old-school news. BUT maybe that’s why he is fixated with this sex text/talk? Hereditary? Is that possible or why he's private? I know it was bad and maybe embarrassing, but who cares, he didn’t do it! Or is sex text/talk with no follow through normal to guys?
I think I need to dump him for my own sanity, but have to figure out a way for work not to be awkward and a way to forget about him and not wonder what he’s doing or who he is seeing all the time. I will occasionally run into him at work and every time I do my knees go weak and I get chills! This has NEVER happened to me! I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HIM OFF MY MIND! Please tell me how to move on and not wait on the call OR better yet how to at least get that FIRST kiss I want so BAD! Yeah, ha ha, but seriously! TY 4 the help!
ANSWER: This guy surely is a mystery. No surprise that he was hiding something, though we cannot be sure his father’s conviction is it. He enjoys teasing you – but usually a guy that teases that way does so for a goal. This guy seems to get off on the tease and only the tease.
As good-looking as he may be, and as much fun as the conversation has been, you probably have imagined more good substance to this guy than exits in reality.
You’ve been obsessed with this for quite a while, and with some good reason. He continues to tease, and you continue to respond and yearn for more than he gives you.
Giving you the answer on how to get your first kiss is like finding the right word for admission to the Wizard’s castle in Oz. The answer, though, shouldn’t be so mysterious. A simple date is most likely the right answer. Ask him out to the movies, or out for dinner, or cook a Saturday brunch for him with a walk in the afternoon sunlight.
If he turns you down, he’s a goof, a good-looking full of tease goof, but a goof nonetheless. At least he’s not a geek, a ghoul, or a goon. If he turns you down and you continue to obsess, you’ve been goofed.
A goof is someone who amuses others by ridiculous behavior. In this instance he amuses himself at your expense. So he’s not a clown for someone else. He’s a clown for himself, which makes him an egomaniacal or narcissistic goof, or to be slightly kinder, an egocentric goof.
Wizard
May 21, 2008
Question: I have a guy friend that I've been fooling around with for the past few weeks and his ex found out. His ex is a really good friend of mine and I really like him, but she keeps telling me that she wouldn't date my ex so why should I date hers? The problem is they've been broken up for 3 months! How much time is enough time to get over someone and is it right for me to want to date him even though she keeps guilting me?
ANSWER: If they’ve been broken up for three months, and he is cool with dating you, you should be able to date him. Your friend, however, is a really good friend. The issue for you is this: I like my really good friend’s ex. They’ve been split up for three months. He and I want to date. My friend unreasonably, even irrationally, feels hurt if I date him. Given these details, do I date him and hurt my friend?
Answer the question this way. How good a friend am I? There is your answer.
If she is true in saying she would not date your ex, will you sacrifice the same way? As wrong as your best friend may be, you are aware that dating her ex will hurt her. If she is a really good friend, stay away until her hurt is over.
You haven’t fallen head-over-heels for him. He is a “guy friend.” Selfishness is what love is all about. But this isn’t love, so this is selfishness without love at its core. Selfishness, if not driven by love, is a bad thing.
Wizard
May 20, 2008
Question: When your boyfriend has a child with a woman and you pass them riding in his car together, is that strange? My boyfriend of a year tells me everything usually (I think) but seeing them together made me feel like I was being deceived because he didn't tell me. He normally talks so bad about her that I was shocked. And when I confronted them, they seemed kind of comfortable with each other. He also went to another event that the mother and child were at and told me he was going at the last minute, but didn't invite me.
ANSWER: No, it isn’t strange, if he wants to be a good dad for his child. If you want him to be your boyfriend, try to learn to like the other woman because she is likely to remain significantly involved in his life.
They were intimate with each other enough to have a child together. Though he might talk “bad” about her, he and she still share some of that intimacy because of the child. Not only is that not strange, it is preferred as behavior that is best for their child.
Wizard
May 19, 2008
Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We have had a lot of good times and bad times. We have broken up for 3 weeks and we are trying to make it work. My thing is, is it worth it? He has been physical with me before and has a bad habit of lying about things. He doesn’t want to break up with me, which is making it hard for me to let go. What should I do? I also have a guy at work that I’m sort of interested in.
ANSWER: If you mean by “physical with me” that your boyfriend has hit you, pushed you, or in any way has used his physical strength against you, out of anger or for any other dumb reason, you should dump him immediately. His not wanting to break up is why he doesn’t break up. His “wanting” not to break up has nothing to do with the merits of your decision. You decide for you, not for him.
Wizard
May 17, 2008
Question: Hi. I have been dating this guy for 9 months now, and we are in love. Not madly though. He has given me a promise ring and we plan on or have talked about getting married and starting a family.
There's just one dilemma. I'm still in love with my ex.
My ex and I had to break up because our parents forbade us to be together. He has moved on and seems to be very happy.
Sometimes I have major mood swings that I feel are connected to my unsatisfied heart. I get very depressed in even the most wonderful times just because I think of my ex and how much better things would be with him. If I got angry in front of my ex, he would do anything he could to cheer me up. My boyfriend first tells me to "cheer the **** up," then he just gets pissed.
My question is this: Should I leave my current boyfriend because I feel that I am unable to give him all of me?
ANSWER: Do not get married to a boyfriend who tells you to “Cheer the **** up” when you are feeling down. That’s one reason alone to drop him, promise ring or no promise ring. Another reason is that you are unable to give him all of you, which means that your heart is still attached to another guy. A love for one guy can’t be divided because of a love for another guy. That doesn’t work for most people.
You need to resolve the issue of your love for guy number one. The wizard cannot tell you what to do because your question does not relate the reasons (if you know them) supporting your parents’ decision – and your age and circumstance are not known. However, if you are old enough and mature enough to be talking marriage and children with guy number two, you should be old enough to pick and choose your guy number one.
If guy number one is gone (it has been over three years), a new lover will find you who will treat you like a human being he loves
– and your love for him will not be divided.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: So here I sit, twiddling my thumbs and pondering this life, and all it's many ups and downs. I am no fool to my own ignorance, so I appeal to no one other than my God for wisdom in this world.
Then he came along, like a thief in the night. Sitting alone, I took this opportunity to share the good news of the Messiah with him, by giving him my Bible to glance through before the bell. I introduced myself and I was off.
He came back to me the next day during lunch, shoulders slouched and radiating the oh so cliche anxiety all unpopular boys have during those awkward high school years. None of the less, I have no true friends at school, so I welcomed his presence, and we chatted for about a week. I appealed to my God, asking for strength and guidance in this, like all things in my life.
In my eyes, I had nothing but favour towards him. He was just perfect. We had so many similarities, yet things just took a turn for the worst. I casually mentioned that I had to stay after school one evening, and I mentioned that perhaps he'd like to go out to pizza with me. Of course, I thought it was a given that this was just a friend’s outing, yet now in my heart I believe he thought it was much more.
So we strolled along the European styled streets and had pizza. He treated me like a girlfriend, yet I treated him as a friend. It was awfully awkward, yet in my heart I thought nothing of it. Then the dreaded next day reared it's ugly head.
He came to the area I sit at during lunch like any other day. I felt my stomach hit the ground, and I swear I felt death latching on to my heels. To put it quite simply, I made up a phony excuse and ran. My heart feels sour towards the boy, yet I fear I am treating him unjustly. Obviously, he isn't the one for me, as my Lord would've continued putting favour into my heart for him, yet there is a part of me that desires to be enlightened about the big "why"?
Perhaps as a set of eyes totally objective to the situation, you can tell me what's basically up in this situation, and I pray that you're enlightened with God's wisdom as you answer my question. Please, be as thorough as possible and regard me kindly. If you need to email me to help me, please don't hesitate to. I feel a part of my soul is unsatisfied and searching, and mending this broken spot is dire.
Best wishes to you and thank you.
ANSWER: The guy innocently thought you wanted to get to know him and go on a date with him. In casual parlance, he thought you were coming on to him. He was wrong and is probably disappointed. You didn’t intend to come on to him, at least not in the way he thought.
You thought he was perfect. You and he had similarities. You asked him to go out for a pizza. From your question one can guess that you were turned off by his forward behavior. If that is true, the timing was wrong, but the rest of it might be okay.
An omniscient God, and the creator of us all, intends you to feel the tension you felt with this guy. “What is up” is the normal attraction you felt and the willingness on his part to respond and try to play a role in your life, even if brief and inconsequential. He is also confused, to some degree, and may have reacted in a way you found surprising.
If he is a decent fellow and remains responsive to you, re-create an opportunity to visit with him again. The friendship, perhaps only that for now, can be repaired, and that should mend the “broken spot.”
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: Hey, I've been going out with my boyfriend for about two months now. He's reaaaally funny and always makes me laugh, but the thing is – I really don't know if I like him as much as I used to :/ He's not very apologetic, he's a tad rude sometimes, and a bit insensitive. He takes the mick out of some of my friends in a joking kind of way, but they don't seem to find it funny and neither do I . . . rather annoying actually lol. He's not that good looking either. Some people even say that I'm too good/pretty for him and that I can do better. At the beginning, I really didn't let those comments get to me, but now it's got me thinking. I think I like him as just a friend, but I'm scared of his reaction if I dump him – I absolutely HATE making people feel bad. I reeeaaallly want to stay friends and hang out though. Hope you can help. Thanks.
ANSWER: Your feeling that you don’t want to date him any more but want to stay friends is normal, but this only works if the guy is okay with it. Too often the guy feels hurt or jilted. This feeling easily creeps in and destroys his ability to be friendly without hunger pangs to revive the old romance.
You give the guy a huge compliment when you tell him you really want to stay friends with him. He should appreciate it. He will of course be disappointed, but in time when he thinks about it, he will be grateful that you told him how much you liked him.
Don’t tell him he’s not that good looking. Stay away from criticisms. Keep the compliments going – but be firm and uncompromising on ending the romantic part of your relationship. If he is so hurt that he can’t continue being a friend, that is his own immaturity and has nothing to do with you.
By the way, you might be a tad impractical to expect him to forget everything and hang out with you without lingering temptations to get re-involved. Better to be casual friends for a while. When he has a new girlfriend, he might become more able to hang out with you (if his girl lets him).
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I’ve been going out with him for 4 months and in that time he has done about 3 or 4 things that I should dump him for. But I didn’t because I like him a lot and don’t want to lose him. But lately he has made me feel like crap, and when I tell him how I feel about things he does, he says, “Well I'm sorry I’m still going to do it.”
ANSWER: Whatever it was he did, it is enough to dump him in your opinion, and that is all one needs to know. When he says he will still go do it, even when you don’t like it, you should dump him if those things are important enough for you to dump him. Simple as that.
If you like him a lot and don’t want to lose him, do you still feel the same way when he says he’s going to still do what you don’t like? If so, don’t dump him. If not, dump him.
For most girls, if the guy they date won’t change what bothers them, and no good reason justifies that response, the guy gets swiftly dumped.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy for 5 months, and until recently I really really liked him. Now, I just lost all the feelings I had for him. But he is still OBSESSED with me. I'm scared if I break up with him, he'll like kill himself. I'm young, so I just want to try dating other people and trying new things, and he's just really boring and pretty much keeps me from doing a lot of those things I want to do.
ANSWER: You must not allow your boyfriend’s frailty or weakness to control your decision of whether to dump him. A guy who can be so upset at getting dumped that he might hurt himself is the very guy you need to dump right away. If you let him hang on, you prolong his hopes. Yes, if he has hope he is less likely to hurt himself, but he will want the hope forever. The longer you wait to dump him, the more “into you” he becomes. As he grows more “into you” he grows more obsessed and more likely to hurt himself. If you think he is already at that sorry stage, you still must dump him because, believe it or not, he can get worse.
The decision to make is not whether you dump him but how you dump him. You must be clear that you don’t want to continue the relationship any further. Give him compliments. For instance, tell him you really really liked (past tense!) him, just as you stated here. Then tell him that as much as you did like him, you have decided that romance is not right for you now, and that you want to move on in your life to other things. Don’t tell him he is boring or that he keeps you from doing other things. Be firm – no compromise – and get it done.
Wizard
May 15, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 5 years. When we first started going out I used to chat with guys on the internet and he used to look up porn. He told me he didn’t like it when I chatted online with other guys and I told him I didn’t like it when he looked up porn. So we made a deal. I gave up chatting online and he gave up looking at porn, so I thought.
A couple of years ago I found it on his computer. So I started talking to guys online again. He was even on dating sites. We broke up for a few months and he promised me again he would not do it anymore. I went back with him and I ended up getting pregnant. Now I have a daughter with him.
About a month ago I found more stuff, 3 big boxes of porn magazines and movies. It really hurts me when he looks at it. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. He knows how I feel about it and it puts a strain on our relationship. If he only did it once in a while it wouldn't bother me. Why does he need boxes and boxes of it and then look more of it up on the internet? Should I break up with him? It seems like he doesn't care if it hurts me or not.
ANSWER: He is the father of your child, so it is important to keep your relationship with him at least as co-parents. Your child needs both of you cooperatively providing the nurture, care, and advice she needs growing up. That means time together and lots of time spent by each of you, together and separately, with the child.
His possession of porn does not mean you are not good enough. You are more than good enough, and that you know by virtue of being his child’s mother.
Do not draw a straight line connecting his looking at porn with your quality as a person. His need to look at porn can have dozens of causes completely unconnected with you as a person (including what people do: like filling the shoes of a good companion, lover, and mother.)
His inability to “shut it off” is a sign of his own inadequacies – deeper than a review at a site like this can offer, but deriving from him and not from you. If his need is overwhelming and consuming, he might need some counseling, and he may be addicted. If he is not addicted, he can modify his behavior and re-focus his attention on you and his daughter. His daughter should be an exciting motivation to re-orient his priorities and actions, and he might still need some counseling to help him do that.
Nonetheless, keep him informed that you are interested in him if you want the romantic side of the relationship to continue. Take him out. Do something special now and then. Give him attractions to keep his attention. He may need nudges and tugs to pull him away from his misguided attraction to porn.
One would normally interpret the storage of old porn as a sign that he wants to return to it in the future. He may well think that is why he stores it. The more likely truth of this behavior is that he continues to buy magazines or videos to view new material instead of going to the “stored goods.” In doing this, he will only return to the “boxes” to put more into it, not to take it out and look at it. That is because the thrill of
“new” porn is better than the thrill of
“used” material. His brain stores the excitement and he stores the material as a utility to return to the excitement if he needs it, as when the source of porn dries up, or some other unlikely scenario.
All of this, if true, is a sign of addiction, not a sign of a concerted effort to fill gaps caused by your inadequacies. No, the inadequacies belong to him. What this means, if he is addicted, is that he cannot drop it because it makes you feel bad. Even if he wants to and promises to do it, he can’t, without some professional help. If you understand that his problem is not a reflection of you, when he fails to stop the porn, you will know it is because of his problem and not because he doesn’t like or want you.
Wizard
May 14, 2008
Question: Hi, there. It’s me again, "babies," May 7.
Well, since I wrote to you I thought about everything. We had a talk over the weekend. I asked him about the baby situation and he said he really likes me a lot and he didn’t mean I should fall pregnant right now. He’s planning his life right next to me and the reason why I don’t see him too often is because he has to work overtime. He also said he likes my personality and even if we only see each other for a little while now, he liked me long before that. I told him I want this relationship to work but it takes two to tango! He said he fully agrees and he asked me to just give him grace for working so much. He really sounds interested in me. And I did a background check on him (with people he went to school with and work colleges) and everyone told me the same thing. "He is a true gentleman, very honest, and that I cant go wrong with him." So do you think I should hold on to this one and let everything fall into place??
ANSWER: Work is often a legitimate reason for a guy or girl to cool off in dating. Unfortunately, the fast moving clock and our need for sleep and income force us to make choices, putting on hold some of the fun parts of life.
If he is honest about this, and nothing in your question shows him to be dishonest, waiting for him to do what he needs to do at work, so long as he will stay committed to dating you, is okay. Just be aware his interest can wane, or another girl can divert his attention, while you wait.
It sounds like he is looking for patience in you. If that is true, give him some. But if you are like most people your patience has a limit. Try to assess how much patience you have and keep in touch with him, so both of you will have similar expectations and know how well things are progressing. In this way you might avoid future disappointment and surprises.
Good luck!
Wizard
May 13, 2008
Question: I met my boyfriend 3 weeks ago through a friend of a friend. He was in a rehabilitation center. I really wanted to leave my home city and he was from the other side of the state. After a week of knowing him he offered for me to move in with him. 2 weeks into the relationship he says he loves me. We have only had sex one time. He never initiates affection. He does kiss me and says he loves me. He has a criminal record. He's on probation and he doesn’t have a job. So far I’m paying for everything. I am now in a city where I know no one but him. I want to go back home because I think he’s using me. I don’t know what to say to him. HELP!
ANSWER: It is usually a dangerous decision to move in with a guy you’ve known only one week – even if he has no criminal record and is the sweetest appearing guy you’ve ever met. You move in and suddenly your dirty laundry is in his basket! The toothpaste tube is left uncorked! Nylons hang in the shower! He leaves dirty pans in the sink! Spats, nitpicking, irritating habits, all come to the surface. And getting out, once you find that to be necessary, is not a simple walk out the door – usually. In this case it is.
Living together is not dating. It is a hugely different game to play.
Any way, you moved in at his invitation and you end up paying for it. Whew, well that works for him.
You are not in the middle of a deep relationship. He said he loves you and you are living together, but you’ve only known him for three weeks. Be assured, the relationship is in an infant stage. You’ve dressed it up adult clothes. That’s all.
Act on the problem as an infant stage relationship. Leave a note for him stating that you made a mistake, that you feel uncomfortable living in a city where you know no one, and that you are sorry but you must end the relationship. Walk out the door, shut it, and don’t go back. Go home to the city where you are comfortable and be with people you know.
We don’t know what his crimes were. If they involved personal violence, be sure your note says you don’t want him to contact you. It can say it any way, but be sure it does if he has a history of hurting someone. If he does contact you, let the police know about your situation. If his crimes do not involve personal violence and he contacts you, be firm about the end of the relationship and do not accept invitations for more dates or meetings. If he persists, call the police.
Wizard
May 13, 2008
Question: I am seeing a married man who wants a divorce but can't because he is terminal with cancer. I am always on the last burner, but I have never been so in love. I think about him all the time. It has been 6 months we have been together, but don't see each other very often. Should I wait to see how his treatments end up and stay with him if he ends up having more time to his life??
ANSWER: A relationship with a married man, most of the time, is a dead-end relationship. This one is a dead-end relationship for two reasons instead of one.
Turn the relationship into a friendship. Give him your emotional support. As much as you feel you love him, adjust and find another guy to love (in a romantic way).
Wizard
May 11, 2008
Question: My friend got me and my boyfriend together about two weeks ago. And I don't really like him, but I might not get another boyfriend again. I don't want to hurt him.
ANSWER: Don’t date a boyfriend who you really don’t like just to have a boyfriend. If you meant, by saying you “don’t really like him,” that you don’t feel romantically involved, but you enjoy his company, stay friends with him. Don’t lead him on being a girlfriend when you really don’t like him. If you do, that is the way you will hurt him.
Misleading him just so you have a boyfriend is selfish and uncaring.
Wizard
May 9, 2008
Question: Dear Mr. Wizard, Love your column and advice! Can you maybe tell me why a guy who dumps you, then says he wants you back, then says that he is there for you if you need him, but if you need him pushes you away while telling you he still loves you but you should find someone else, and then says he still has hopes of you getting back together, does that?
ANSWER: Ah, the complexities of life. A guy who does all that is confused. The source of his confusion could be many different things, any of them alone, even all of them together all at once. No one can know from your question.
Be assured, though, he is confused. You cannot trust his expressions of caring or concern.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I've been dating and having sex with this guy who seems to have a girlfriend. He's a total jerk but I still like and love him beyond all those flaws he has. By the way, he didn't seriously court me, and when we're together he's so not a gentleman. Should I dump him or not? Or should I hope that someday he'd be serious with me since lately he's been saying the magic words, "I love you".
ANSWER: You want him to be serious with you – and now he is saying the magic words. Is he serious when he says them?
If not, he likes the sex and not much else.
Be careful.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I'm wife #4 and we've been together 20 years. During that time, he's had 16 different jobs and we've lost two different homes due to debt. He's constantly been a slob and has crap piled up to the ceiling all over the house which he promises to clean up, but never does. He has no ambition, is rude to strangers, is disliked by all my friends, my family, his family, and most of his co-workers. Admittedly, he is faithful to me, but that's not saying much since he has little interest in sex and only wants to have relations once every 3 or 4 weeks. We did 6 months of marriage counseling, during which he talked endlessly about his problems, his lack of friends, and his crummy job. What he never brought up was us or anything to do with our marriage. He would answer the counselor’s questions but somehow manage to turn the focus of the discussion back to his sad life and how unfair he is treated by the world. In the end, nothing got resolved in counseling.
My big question is this, should I dump him? I'm 50 and scared to death of starting again. Is it too late for me to take control of my life and get out of this wreck of a marriage?
ANSWER: No children living with you, your decision can rest on the quality of your life today versus the quality of your life in two or three years post divorce. The quality of your life depends, necessarily, on the quality of your relationship with your husband, your mental and physical health, and your economic security.
You’ve been married for twenty years and you are 50 years old. That means you have spent nearly half of your mature, adult life with him.
If you have a profession, or the means to earn a comfortable living without him, taking into account whatever assets in the marriage that you will be able to keep, your economic security may be okay. At 50 you can live a life (!) and enjoy a productive future. The life expectancy of women today, if you are in good health, puts you well up over 80. You can devote twenty years to an occupation and that should set you up okay.
If you have a good outlook on life, unlike your husband, you can grow a new garden. Life is full of revitalization and renewal. Yes, even at 50, the world offers a basketful of fun activities and future success. You can even meet another companion.
Given the optimistic prognosis for you in economic security, health, and future prospects, you should seriously consider a new life without your husband, if indeed he has become the despondent, unloving, miserable character you describe.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: Hi, I met this guy in Santa Fe and I have really fallen for him. I think he likes me too because of the way he acted, but now that I’m back home in Paris, Texas he tells me that he can’t sit back and wait until we see each other again. I really want to be with him even if it means I should start a new life there. Do you think he, it’s worth it??
ANSWER: Only you can know that. And if you didn’t spend much time with him in Santa Fe, not even you can know for sure. You can only find out for sure by going back to him, and the risks are high. Most people in your situation would think the risks are too high. But you must make your own decision, based on your own circumstances, instincts, needs, and ability to take care of yourself if it fails.
Wizard
May 7, 2008
Question: I’m so confused now. I like this guy, as in really like him. I think I had fallen boots and all for him. He said he also likes me a lot. In fact, he thinks he loves me. But the problem is he never makes time for me. We have been phoning each other for like 2 weeks and we are now an "item." I don’t know if he is serious or what because my opinion is that he should at least make time to see me. What can I do? We want to have babies in the future but the fact that he "ignores" me so makes me sick.
ANSWER: Wait a minute, BABIES? Your question asks, if you like him, and he likes (or loves you), and you’ve been phoning each other for like two weeks, so much so that you have become an “item,” why isn’t he making more time to see you? You thought he was serious, but now you aren’t so sure. Then you close with “we want to have babies in the future,” but the fact that he ignores you makes you sick.
Did you tell him you want babies with him? If he brought it up, you should worry. If you brought it up, he should worry. Babies should not be a topic of discussion when you start a relationship. If you want to scare a guy off, just say “I want babies.”
Wizard
May 5, 2008
Question: He’s a sweet guy and doesn’t deserve it but I don’t feel it anymore, and he’s getting annoying. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you’ve lost interest in your boyfriend, it is a time for a dump. Whether he deserves a dump is a different issue. Justice, or the question of whether someone deserves a dump, is never the important issue when deciding whether to dump. A guy often deserves a dump, but you should never wait for when he deserves it. When your interest in him has waned or diminished, it is time for a dump – regardless of how much it is or is not deserved.
Wizard
|
