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May 30, 2007
Question: there’s this guy and he asked me out today and i agreed, but i’m not into him at all and in fact i can barely stand
him! i dont know what i was thinking. should i dump him?
ANSWER: You haven’t established yet a dating relationship. Tell him you were confused and didn’t think, and that you
can’t go out. Be apologetic but firm. It’s not like you entered a contract. He’ll find someone else soon enough.
Wizard
May 22, 2007
Question: I just wrote you about a guy at work. To add to the information I have given you: You said that he sounded like he was unable to
commit, but is it still a commitment problem if he has good reason? Part of why this guy is so amazing is because he has a strong religious
background. He is leaving in August for a 2 year mission trip. He had told me in the past about this, and in reference to another girl before we
got close, that he didn't want to start anything before he left because he had in the past and he ended up not going. The only problem with this
is that, whether he realizes it or not, he already has started something. I don’t want to interfere with what he wants to do because I know
that it is important to him, but 2 years is a long time and a lot can happen. I have been asked out by other guys and have turned them down
because, although we are not dating, it feels wrong to see someone else. Should I wait for him for the two years or move on?
ANSWER: Two years is a long time. Your narrative suggests that his reason for not committing is his desire to go away as a missionary. This
is a laudable reason. However, it may not be fair to you. It seems, reading through your narratives closely, that he does care for you. The
wizard suspects he does not want to cause you any injury, of course, and out of regard for you does not want to date you so you can keep your
options open.
You should talk with him about the two years he will be away. Ask him these questions: Does he think he could be in love with you when he
returns? Does he think you should date other guys during the time he is away? Does he want you to stay dateless until he returns?
The wizard thinks he will want you do date because he cares for you and does not want you to lose out on that experience. He might have
hopes you will still be there for him on his return, but is willing to sacrifice his own selfish desires for your happiness. If you want to know
about that, you should ask him directly so he can tell you himself.
You should date while he is away. Try to enjoy your times with other guys. At your age you might find a guy that suits you greatly, and you
might not, but you should not deny yourself the dating experience. You might find that this guy is a changed man when he returns. You might find
he feels differently about you when he returns. And you might find that everything is unchanged and that on his return he will contact you and
want to date with you. The future brings what it will. Live in the current time – date and enjoy yourself in his absence.
Leave room for him in your mind. Make arrangements with him to keep in touch by mail, email, and telephone. In that way you can keep tabs on
his thoughts and experiences while he is away and he can maintain contact with you too.
Wizard
May 21, 2007
Question: I'm seeing a married man and I'm just his dirty secret. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: Faster than a speeding (and undetected) neutrino.
Wizard
May 19, 2007
Question: ok, so i am sooo tired of my friend. she is really fun, but at the same time she doesn’t care about my feelings. she can
just forget about me sooo quickly and makes me feel sooo bad. i really don’t know how she can do this, but i’m getting sick of it!
i’m always feeling left out, when me and her and my other BFF get together, which is a lot. if they start talking and i don’t talk,
sooner or later they'll just forget i even exist.
ANSWER: Your friends have many interests. You are one of them. When your friends talk and you think they don’t know you exist, they
are talking about things other than you, that is all. Your feelings are not first on anyone’s list, just your own list.
Don’t expect too much from your friends. Try to develop your own self as a good listener. In doing that, you will learn better how
your friends think, and you will see that they do not intend to dismiss you. They can forget, they can ignore, they can be distracted, they can
even say and think cruel things, but as friends they reserve a welcome place for you in their minds. Trust in that and you will be okay.
Wizard
May 19, 2007
Question: This is from a long time ago, but you never replied, so I’m asking again, just to see if you can give me any info. But this
isn’t really a problem anymore. So I’m going out with this guy for a week and a half, and then we break up over an unknown reason.
"Things got weird" is what he said. Then he goes for another girl but she turns him down, and so two weeks later he asks me out again,
along with a bunch of this other crap about how much he missed me and regretted breaking up, and I believed him and said yes. And then what do
you know, two days later and he’s ignoring me all day and talking to his EX-GIRLFRIEND (and also friend) instead of me this one day. Well,
later that day he asks me (now I don’t know if this was a joke or not) if I would be mad if he asked his ex-girlfriend out to the dance on
Friday, since I’m not going. Well, I said I wouldn’t be mad, I would just break up with him. Then we didn’t see each other
anytime that day, and I asked my best friend to ask him if he wanted to break up.
ANSWER: The wizard is at a loss about what info you want. In any event, your response – “I wouldn’t be mad, I would just
break up with him” – is a great response.
Wizard
May 19, 2007
Question: I have written you before about a guy at work. Well, now he no longer works there. He left about a month ago, but since then we
have been talking and going places together. We have been doing everything dating couples do but we are not girlfriend and boyfriend. He is a
great guy. He listens and we have a blast together. I have never felt this close to anyone before. He has changed me. I was so guarded before,
but he has brought me out of that and unlike the other losers I have dated I can actually see myself with him for a long time.
My problem is kind of complicated. His sister got married about three weeks ago. He was the best man, so he had to be there before the
wedding. He also was in the service and had to stay after to help clean up. Because of this he took another girl from work, one that is younger
and supposedly just a friend. When I asked him about this, he said that he didn’t take me because he wouldn’t be able to sit with me,
and that I would be by myself for the majority of the day. Also, although we are not dating he tells me that he is attracted to me and enjoys
spending time with me. He has sent text messages that you would not send to someone you didn’t like. We also spend hours at a time on the
phone talking about anything and everything. So my question is, should I continue to pursue this guy or should I let him go. Also, with the
information I have given you, does it sound like he feels the same way about me as I do him? Please help me. I need to know where to go from
here.
ANSWER: You say, “We have been doing everything dating couples do but we are not girlfriend and boyfriend.” Excepting this one
sentence, it would appear sensible for you to pursue this guy. However, if you have been “seeing” him for quite a while now, and that
is true if the wizard remembers correctly who you are, then something is getting in the way of turning your “affair” into a dating
relationship. If he cannot get over it, whatever that is, you can be grateful for all the good things you have experienced, but you should pursue
a guy who wants a dating relationship with you.
Based on the information you gave, the relationship should be girlfriend/boyfriend right now. The fact that it is not suggests, based on the
information you gave, that he does not feel the same way about you as you feel about him.
What it sounds like is this: He keeps you in the hopper so he can have you if something else doesn’t work out. That would mean he is
attracted to you, and enjoys your company, but you are second fiddle to what he really wants. He doesn’t want to let you go, but he
won’t commit.
Wizard
May 19, 2007
Question: I don’t know if I should break up w/my boyfriend or work through the tough times. He obviously cares about me but there is
no commitment in the future and he is emotionally about 17, which sometimes is cute but sometimes is lame! I’m not perfect so sometimes I
think I shouldn’t be so quick to judge his flaws. HELP ME!
ANSWER: Don’t concentrate on changing him. He might be young enough to change and get better, but that will come with maturity,
experience, and knowledge that you, as his date, can never supply him.
Your decision whether to break up must depend on how important you think the flaws are, balanced against how important you think his good
qualities are. Generally people do not keep a balance sheet of bad and good qualities. Usually a simple gut feeling is used, and in the bigger
picture that usually works.
If you feel uncomfortable all the time, or most of the time, and if he cannot adjust his behavior to satisfy you, then the
relationship’s duration will shorten. Look into yourself and determine if you are truly uncomfortable – if your gut feeling is true
– and make your judgment that way. Whether you are perfect enough to judge is not the way to look at it. Your feelings, perfect OR NOT, are
what count.
Wizard
May 16, 2007
Question: Hi, I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years. We have 5 children (I have 4 children, he has 1). We live together with
my 4 and his little boy visits at weekends. My boyfriend makes very little effort to interact with my children. This is highlighted when his
child comes to stay and he dotes on him. I treat all of our children the same, but when my boyfriend acts this way; I have reacted and this has
caused conflict. I have tried to discuss this with him without resolution. My boyfriend works hard and contributes to the household in other
ways. I now feel that he has a special club for two and that this could affect my children.
ANSWER: Not knowing how long you and your boyfriend have been living together, and not knowing the ages of the children, it is not possible
to give pin-pointed advice to you. However, it is natural for your boyfriend to dote on his child when he is there, if he sees him there only
once a week. If he fails to give attention to your children during the remainder of the week, perhaps you can try to arrange some social time
involving the six of you (you, your children, and your boyfriend). This will help him develop a relationship with your children outside of the
home. Of course, he will miss his own child, and might resent that the social event was planned without including his son.
Without knowing how long this arrangement has lasted, we cannot determine how much failure occurs on his part to connect with your children.
If it has been a few months, give him some more time to adjust and to build a relationship. If he is your boyfriend and you brought him into your
home, he must have some good qualities to share and invest in your children, and it will likely happen in time. But expect him to always maintain
a special place in his heart for his son.
Wizard
May 15, 2007
Question: As I stand, a swirl of black seems to wish to rip apart my hand from his. Yes, he, who has caused me so much confusion at first,
but eventually revealed to me a tender heart, he may be taken away from me. Our love is like none other. We are inseparable, thanks to the
wizard's advice of being less subtle and more direct. The wizard told me that I am NOT a rambling little girl, and with the simple suggestion of
a text message, everything was mended once more in a seemingly hopeless situation.
However, I plead with the Wizard once more, to prevent a shadow over the sun that is my love life. My love's parents request my family over
for dinner. However my mother is oblivious of our relationship. There is a presence in my boyfriend that makes me scared to take him home to my
family, although my family is very accepting and none too judgmental. I feel unable to pinpoint what I feel isn't quite right, and I know I must
eventually tell them of my boyfriend for things between us are getting very heated, and I am contemplating if he should be the one to deflower
me, which is something I hold dear to my heart. I ask of you dear wizard, whom I all ready owe a thousand favors, to once more, tell me the right
course of action. Thank you so much, and everyday that passes, I can't help but to thank the Lord for this site's existence.
ANSWER: The wizard is gratified. Your earlier question was on January 14, 2007 and, as to be expected, you again write interestingly and
entertainingly.
It is true that you should communicate your boyfriend’s existence to your parents.
The wizard is unaware of the “presence” that makes you scared to take him home to your family. Nonetheless, if you love him,
your parents must accept and not judge him. Your evident anxiety suggests that your boyfriend’s “presence” may be a problem for
your mother, at least, and this may create new and difficult problems to overcome.
To avoid it altogether is an unworkable alternative. You cannot hide a relationship that has become so important to you. The time must come
to reveal your relationship.
Your question already confirmed that you know you must do this. One thing that might help is to realize that anxiety, something you
certainly feel, is a blunt instrument. It hits you hard bluntly, so it bruises and damages. To sharpen it, you confront it. When it sharpens, it
thins, and you dodge it. The problem may not go away, but you will not feel its cut if you know where it is, what it is, and how to avoid it. The
anxiety appears to be a source, if not the source, of the black swirl or shadow that haunts you.
Most anxiety is premised upon a lack of knowledge about a future event (hence a worry of what will happen). To meet it head on, you
bring it on. You do what you must do. Then the nature and extent of the problem becomes clear because you know what happened, and based on that
knowledge you improve what happens next. The anxiety goes away through action and re-action with success.
You can stop here and get the full benefit of the wizard’s wisdom. If you dare venture into a miasmic mish-mash, try the
following.
The truth is expressed comically by Sid Caesar’s routine about the “was,” the “now”, and the “gonna
be.”
The wizard will take some time with this. Be patient to understand it. This is almost as complicated as Einstein’s theory of
relativity, but not quite. Read several times if necessary.
Professor Sid Caesar’s theory about life – the key to life – is to live in the “now.” You’ve got to live
in the “now” because it’s going to become the “was.” If you have a bad “now,” you will have a bad
“was.” The “gonna be” coming up can be a new “now.”
Said another way: You can act in the “now” on the “was” to make the “gonna be” a better
“now.”
In these terms, anxiety is living in the “gonna be,” which you can’t know until it is the “now.” Since the
“now” goes at the speed of light, or 186,000 miles per second, it becomes the “was” in a flash. If you live in the
“gonna be,” you’ll live with anxiety about what will be. It’s dumb live that way – in the “gonna be.”
You also can’t live in the “was” and be happy. You can’t change the “was.” Live in the “now” by
remembering the previous “now” (that “now” is a “was”) and act on that knowledge in the “now” so
that your “gonna be,” when it becomes the “now,” is a better now.
Whew. Good luck. Please note the wizard does not intend to belittle or make light of your specific problem by using a comedy routine. The
underlying message truly is a philosophy of life that merits attention because it advises one how to learn to act on a problem that depends on
future events.
Wizard
May 15, 2007
Question: i love him, but he accuses me of dumb things, and i don’t know what i would do without him.
ANSWER: You can date him. You will eventually get tired of him accusing you of dumb things. The more tired of it you get, the more you will
realize that if he demeans you he does not value you enough for you to let him date you.
Wizard
May 14, 2007
Question: how do i dump this guy if he really likes me but he wears a batman suit to school and we’re in sixth grade. i really dont
want to break his fragile heart but i feel i have to. but i dont know how!!!
ANSWER: Don’t respond to him like a date. Say you are busy if he asks you to go somewhere or do something with him. Don’t ask
him to go anywhere or do something with you. Don’t call him or text him. Just lay low and don’t participate in any kind of
lovey-dovey stuff! He should get the message this way. If you have actually been dating, it is usually best to tell him in a pleasant way that
you don’t want to date any more. In sixth grade, be assured, the boys are pretty resilient and are not likely to be hurt too bad, even
wearing a batman suit.
Wizard
May 14, 2007
Question: ok, so my friend, the one that i had a fight with that i wrote to you about earlier, is annoying me soo much right now. Today i
felt really tired from lack of sleep, kinda starting to get sick, so my head was all stuffy and worried about my aunt that is in the hospital.
her ex-bf who she is still in love with, but they don’t talk since he dumped her, is dying because of drugs. so she tells us that, and we
feel bad for her and everything, but she's soo busy talking about her, i haven’t had time to tell her my problems. so, of course, i was a
little grumpy cause of my head being all stuffed up. when I was just sitting on my desk, these guys are just next to me, and THEN she (my friend)
comes over. i’m like, what do you want? and she says, what? and then I say, oh please, you just came over here cause they're (the guys)
here. then she gets really mad and just says, What The... and before even finishing she just leaves. well, i leave too cause i have to go to the
bus and that’s it.
Oh, and please attend to my last matter urgently – she's the kind that can just forget that we were even friends to begin with if
we're ever in a fight and we're not talking.
ANSWER: Well, you can’t blame her for her reaction. At the same time, if she knew what you were going through, she couldn’t
blame you either. Tiffs like these are normal and will happen a lot in life. The best way to wrestle with them is, on the first opportunity,
apologize to your friend and explain that you were under a lot of pressure for personal reasons. You could be even more melodramatic by telling
her more specifics, but that should not be necessary.
Every one should be small enough (humility) to be willing and able to admit error or mistake. Any one who hears an apology with a brief and
understandable explanation should be big enough (forgiving) to accept it.
Wizard
May 11, 2007
Question: Hi - maybe one of you people can help me. I am 23 weeks pregnant. I am 26, he is 34. I feel very alone. I am in Kerry, he is in
Wicklow. He refuses to move to Kerry as he loves Wicklow too much and even though we have accidentally made a baby, it has not really changed him
that much. I feel completely abandoned and find it hard not to burst into tears about his lack of efforts. I have been going over on the weekends
to see him every 2 weeks. He hasn’t had the money to do so for me as he is not working and I am currently crashing in my parent’s
place. I have no money and now am looking for a permanent job but working in a temporary one to get money in before I start to show. This is my
first pregnancy, so thankfully not showing yet but getting there. The baby is healthy, thank god. But he is doing nothing to help me and is
immature - he lives in his parent’s house and loves his bedroom too much. Initially I tried to move to Wicklow and live in his house for a
week when my employment finished due to the fact I was pregnant. It was a disaster.
Last night he would not trust me going to cinema with work colleagues, ate my head off, and left me in tears walking home. I did nothing to
him, but was hurt. I told him a good relation is based on trust. If you don’t give it, I pull the plug. He said he still wants DNA for the
baby too, as I got pregnant through withdrawal. I told him to book his lie detector test and then he will see what a gobshite he is being. Should
I get rid of him? After all, it should be going better now that I am 6 months gone???? Thanks.
ANSWER: From what is said here, this guy has been unsuccessful looking out for his own needs. If he can’t take care of himself, he
will find it difficult to take care of you and the baby. He perceives the huge responsibility involved and probably wants to avoid it. He is not
driven by love. He seems not driven by anything.
You and the baby are priority number one. No, better to say you and the baby are the only priority. You are wise to save money, get the help
of your parents, and try to put together as much security as possible for your future.
Hopefully the father will recognize the real need to get with it and put his life together. You should keep him involved, if possible, so
that he is reminded regularly about his child – a child who deserves his love, nurture, and fatherly advice. You should also ensure that he
works and provides support, using the legal system, if necessary, to enforce it.
Focus on you and the baby. Don't fret about him. He is a lost cause until reality hits him square on the head and he accepts responsibility.
Keep him reminded and enforce his legal responsibilities, and otherwise you can only hope he starts using his noggin.
Good luck to you.
Wizard
May 9, 2007
Question: Should I dump a guy who slept through the movie on our first date?
ANSWER: You can reasonably be insulted that he fell asleep. However, as a first date, he might have believed he needed to pay more attention
to the movie than to you, and found the movie too boring to stay awake.
Give him another chance. If he was bored with you, he won’t go on another date.
If he does go, go where nothing else exists that he should pay attention to and turn out the lights. If he falls asleep, he must really be
tired.
Wizard
May 9, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I went bowling with 2 other couples . . . and, well, when we got there my boyfriend, Hank, just went and hung out
with my best friend Andrea. Meanwhile me and her boyfriend just talked about what was going on between them. All night he didn't say a word to
me, until my friend called, and asked “Hey, how’s the date going?” I answered back, “Gosh, it’s going horrible. I
think he likes Andrea.” Well, it turns out that he had told my best friend that he did like Andrea. I said “Hank, I need to talk to
you now!” and so we went behind the vending machines.
I was like, “Hank, I know that you like Andrea!”
Hank: “Who told you that?”
Me: “My best friend told me this.”
Hank: “Well, I don’t like her.”
Me “Don’t tell me lies.”
{Silence}
Me: “See! I knew it.”
He went back over to finish the game of air hockey with Andrea. Then, of course, my other friend, Cathy, who was there, said “Hank,
why don’t you play an air hockey game with Louise?” He said, “Sure.” So we played. I figure he only played that air
hockey game with me because he was using me to get closer to Andrea. Well, that doesn't fly with me.
Now he still flirts with her and just leaves me out of the conversation!!! Please help me! What should I do????
ANSWER: Hank is like a kid who gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar. When someone says, “Hey, what are you doing?” the
answer is, “Nothing.” Hank might also be a little confused. He doesn’t know quite what he wants. He’s a male puppy
playing in a room of lovely girl puppies – he’ll play with them all if they’ll play with him. He doesn’t mean anything
nasty or bad – he’s just puppy happy.
If you want him as a regular date, wait for him to grow up a little. If you just want to play with him, ignore his misdirection and tell him
he needs to flirt with you, or you won’t play.
Wizard
May 9, 2007
Question: Hey, i’ve been going out with a guy for about 4 months and i don’t know how to dump him, but i really want to be good
friends cause he’s been really good to me.
ANSWER: Well, as inane this advice may sound, just tell him that. Say, “You know, you’ve been really good to me, and I really
like you, but I want to be friends with you, not romantic or sexual, just friends. I hope you can do that, that is be friends, because I really
value you as a person and I respect you and all that. But I just don’t want to be in a dating relationship with all the hang-ups. Can that
be cool with you?”
You can be more concise. You can add things and subtract things, but that is how the message can get across as easily and as clearly as
possible. Some guys cannot understand the message no matter how concise and clear it is; some guys get it right away and dump you back. Yet, some
do understand. Even among those who understand and try to be friends, a large number can’t stand it and fade away.
If you are sure, just remember to get the message to him right away. Leading him on is not a good idea.
Wizard
May 7, 2007
Question: he’s making me jealous having lots of female friends and its hurting me.
ANSWER: Learn not to like him any more. Yes, sometimes that is not so easy. The best way, if you can’t convince yourself he
isn’t worth your trouble, is to get interested in another guy who shows interest in you.
Wizard
May 7, 2007
Question: ok, so thanks for the previous advice. i have my best friend back and the guy i liked got a haircut and only looks half as hot, so
i don’t like him anymore. or so i think.
so now i like this other guy - Billy. he is really cool, but Sandy, my friend, likes him too. they used to date, but she still likes him,
and i don’t think he likes her. in fact, i don’t think he likes anyone, cause he never goes out with anyone. well, not never. i mean,
he went with Sandy, but he doesn’t really seem to be into stuff like that a lot. i asked him out once, and he got kind of mad, and of
course said no. now time has passed and we have some good times, but i just don’t know how to get this guy. it seems like Sandy’s
getting closer cause they're friends, and i’m not really friends with this guy. and to top that off, Sandy’s not talking to me. when
i asked her something, she just answered me like she was annoyed with me, like she barely knew me. i acted like we were friends and when i said
hi to her, she just passed by.
ANSWER: Glad you have your best friend back. Who knows what is bothering Sandy. If you don’t know, surely no one else does, except
maybe Sandy. But even she might not know. As for Billy, if he’s interested at some time, he’ll let you know. Just stay friendly and
see what happens.
Wizard
May 4, 2007
Question: this guy i was kind of into has made me do everything in our relationship (drive to his house, call him, etc . . .) and he's a
huge jerk to me all the time. and better yet, he had me set his buddy up with a friend of mine and now all he wants to do when all of us are out
is flirt with her. what should i do?
ANSWER: Here are two reasons for a dump, and the first reason is likely to contain many small reasons. Dump him.
Wizard
May 3, 2007
Question: ok, so now i am writing about another guy. his name is Frank. he is suuper hott and really funny. but i can't like him anymore,
because my ex-best friend does. you see, we both liked him, and we promised he wouldn’t get in the way. but she still betrayed me and went
on flirting with him, and now my heart is broken. i have lost my best friend and a crush. i was certain he might like me, but then he gave her
his number so she could tell him that important thing that he wanted to know, it was that she likes him. well i told her that she can have him,
etc, but that our friendship has ended. i don't know what to do from now on. i do still have my other best friend, which i value now even more
because she had never done anything like this to me. but i miss the other one, but i dont want to beg her, after all, she had said nothing at all
to me after i told her we weren’t going to be friends anymore. she had said nothing to me that whole day.
ANSWER: This was a pleasure to read a message from you again. In this message a really important thing stands out.
You should never lose a good friend over a guy. Yes, fine to get interested in dating guys, but your friends are important and are more
likely to last a long time. A guy is worth a date or two, then maybe the relationship can grow into a steady one, and then if you are really
happy the relationship can blossom into a hugely important part of your life. But your best friends should already be the kind of relationship
that lasts and weathers all storms. So, in the wizard’s humble opinion, you should revive your relationship with this girl. Tell her you
are sorry you got upset, and that you know that your relationship with her is far more important than whomever you (or she!) date.
Do not allow yourself to lose a good friend who broke a weak promise over a guy. Your relationship with her is more important than any
dating relationship.
Wizard
May 1, 2007
Question: YOU *****! YOU DIDNT WANT TO HELP ME, SO THE GUY I LOVED JUST FORGOT ABOUT ME FOREVER THANKS TO UR UNFINISHED HELP! YOU USED TO
HELP ME SOO MUCH AND NOW U JUST DECIDED MY MESSAGES ARE NOT WORTHY ENOUGH!? WELL GO TO HELL! THANKS A LOT. WIZARD!
ANSWER: Too many messages to answer – but that does not mean they are unworthy. The wizard apologizes deeply. You are right that your
messages are worthy of attention and you are worthy of any help the wizard can give.
That you lost your love because your last message was unanswered is doubtful. Nonetheless, all messages are important and every one,
especially you, is fully worthy. The use of that word ("worthy," in answer to last message of April 24) was unwise and foolish –
the wizard knows better, regrets it, and retracts it.
The wizard must select the messages to answer – but if a message is not answered, it is NOT because it is unworthy. To say otherwise
is bunk. Messages, to get answered, should contain a question (but it is not always necessary) and should have something in them for comment or
of interest to readers at this site.
Wizard
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