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March 31, 2009
Question: Hi, I have been together with this one guy for a little over a year. We had a perfect relationship for the most part, really into each other, always had fun, and never fought! Until about 2 months ago we couldn't stop fighting. Out of nowhere he became really clingy, something I never thought he would be. And when I suggested a break he freaked out and thought the solution to our problem was that we needed to spend more time with each other, which just made me want space even more. Now, 3 weeks later, I am seriously considering a real break up, but I really want to try a friendship with him.
The biggest problem I have is that my senior prom is this June and we had planned to go together. Now that all the good guys are gone I have a fear I won't have a date or he wouldn't want to go with me if I dumped him! Help! What should I do??
ANSWER: If you dump him, he is not likely to want to be just friends. If you go to the prom with him, he will perceive that as a dating thing, not a friend thing. Of course, there are exceptions, and he might be one – but not likely.
Are you sure you know all the other available guys are not good guys? Look around. More than likely, a good guy is out there. You’ve got just enough time to go find him.
Wiz
March 31, 2009
Question: I have this boyfriend that is too clingy. We have been dating for 3 months and I feel like it is too much. He tells me that he loves me and feels incomplete without me. I told him that I needed space and he keeps coming hard core. And to add icing to the cake, I am pregnant by him. I am not going through with the pregnancy and he knows it. He had the nerve to ask me when am I going to give him a baby? He already has 4 kids with 3 other women that he is not with. I am not happy with him. He wants too much control over me.
ANSWER: Dating only three months and already pregnant. Lessons are to be learned from that alone.
Regardless of the pregnancy, you have every reasonable expectation that your boyfriend will not control or stifle you. Whenever a girl feels she needs more space away from a guy, she needs to dump that guy.
Wiz
March 29, 2009
Question: I have been dating this boy for 1 month now. I am too busy. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: Of course. If you feel you are too busy for a guy, you are.
Wiz
March 27, 2009
Question: I've been dating this guy for 2 and a half years now - first love. I’m 18 and so is he. He has cheated on me twice and he has assaulted me and was charged for it. Ever since the assault I have lost my love for him. But he has become so needy and so weak I feel sorry for him. Every time I try and leave him he will cry and beg me not to in front of people! In public! He gets so depressed! I have already tried 'weaning' him off of me slowly . . . keeping less contact with him but he knows what I’m trying to do and gets even more clingy. I need to leave him, without hurting him. But how?
ANSWER: Some guys will not let go. The reasons are various, some innocent and some quite nasty. His is nasty.
Do not feel sorry for him. He is needy and weak because he feels he needs you and can’t live without you. Pure selfishness drives his need and weakness. Quickly and surely sever the hold he has on you. Realize that his connection to you is not love.
He connects to you as a bloodsucker that clings to your skin. Don’t let him suck your blood dry. He will feel hurt only so long as he believes he can suck more of your blood. When you manage to free yourself of him, your days will brighten, and he will find another victim to satisfy his deviant and destructive needs.
Wiz
March 23, 2009
Question: Hey there! We spoke a few months back about this same fella I'm about to bring up. Time has passed and since January 1 we have been in a complicated exclusive relationship. Without going into too much detail (because there is a lot), I'll just say summarizing sorts of phrases.
*He lost his job because of alcohol in the fall (August). * I broke up with him because of his issues. * We stayed in touch. *He ventured into the world of AA for a while. *Stopped drinking as much as he used to. *He starts sub teaching. *We write e-mails and talk on the phone almost everyday. *January 1 comes along and we want to be together again. *He goes back to college for a teaching degree (he already has a degree in History). *He signs up for the military but will continue with school.
There is his background. Now, I am struggling because I have told him I love him and have not received that same phrase back. He says he's not ready. He has in past relationships shown all his cards and failed miserably, so he doesn't want to show all of his yet. If he loves me he wouldn't be afraid to say it, right? He would just say it especially if I said it, right?
We have both agreed to keep what we have even after I go off for a job that is 9 hours away and after he goes off to training for 5 months. We agree that we won’t know till we try. BUT I only see him once a week right now and that to me is not taking advantage of the time we have left. Yes, we talk on the phone everyday, and this is a real good thing I know, but I don't know.
I'm just so afraid of being used. He must care. I was the first person he came to before he signed anything with the military. He wanted to know how I felt about it first. When we see each other once a week, it's for a full evening, but not always us sleeping together after the evening. Isn't that strange? You see the person you are in a relationship once a week and you don't even stay the night with them that ONE night. I mean, we have a nice evening together, but I hate it so much when it ends. Last night we saw a movie, ate out, and walked around the city. It was lovely from 7-11:30 p.m. when we were together. Then I am walked to my door and it's over and I wanted to cry. I didn't, of course. I held it back because I thought I was being silly. I am, right?
He was hoping to have a sub position the next morning and that was his reason for not staying because he wakes up at 5:00 a.m. to find out if there is any sub opportunity. I just want more of him now before these last 3 months rush past.
Before we part for this long distance relationship we should have both said, "I love you" to each other, right? Who takes on the challenge of a long distance relationship when only one person is saying, "I love you"?
Help me, please.
ANSWER: Few take on a long-term relationship successfully. If love exists between two people, truly, then the chance of success improves. He appears tentative, and that is not a sign of love. He might like you a lot, and have hope in his mind that love might be in your future together, but love in all its splendor does not appear real for you right now. If only one of you is saying, “I love you,” that is also a bad sign. He can’t express love to you, even if it would be only to satisfy you – which is less satisfying than the real thing. Even if honest, it disappoints nonetheless!
Hints exist here that deep inside he may be thinking that after he has fully recovered is life with new successes, he will want someone entirely different. In other words, you may be too much a part of his unsuccessful past to stay with him in his new, more rewarding future. If that is true, he may be indebted to you in many ways, but not in love.
Wiz
March 21, 2009
Question: How can I dump my boyfriend, nicely, when he lives almost 3 hours away. I don’t want to hurt him.
ANSWER: Of course you don’t want to hurt him, but if he is disappointed, he will feel hurt. This is normal, just like pulling teeth. You still must dump him if you want to get on with your life. He will get over it, just like when he has a tooth pulled.
A “nice” dump involves telling him in a respectful way that you want to break up. It is a hard thing to do for most people. Tell him some compliments, but let him know the truth about your decision. Do not delay and do not mislead him into thinking it isn’t over. Do not tell him what he did wrong or what about him you didn’t like. Compliments with a clear message it is over will accomplish the task in a respectful, dignified, and resolute manner.
Wiz
March 13, 2009
Question: I have been dating this guy over 2 years. We don't live in the same country but we visit each other every 2 months. I know his parents and they know our relation and my parents as well. But we argue a lot and he complains about it. I have tried to stop it often but he does stupid things that make me argue again! We are different cultures. He is English and I am Latin American. I am worried because still we don’t have any commitment and it seems it will be like that for a long time. He doesn't even talk about it and I really don’t want a boyfriend who is 9 hours away by plane! Should I dump him?
ANSWER: It is difficult enough to bridge the distance between your cultures and your residences. Adding into this the arguments and the obvious lack of love between you, a dump appears to be the best thing. Look for a guy in your neighborhood with whom you will communicate easier, see each other often, and fall in love.
Wiz
March 13, 2009
Question: Okay, my boyfriend doesn't have a job or car. He uses mine. We have a 7 year old together. He takes my truck for the weekend to a 5 hour drive away to play in a band that makes no money. Should I stay?
ANSWER: For your seven year-old, he needs to stay – involved. If you have ambitions to improve your life (and consequently your child’s life too), you can end the romance (and the live-in arrangement), but not the father/child relationship.
Wiz
March 11, 2009
Question: Two years into this relationship, my "boyfriend" (married) tells me that he has always (he hasn't) told me that his family is most important. OK. Then, why after 60 years did he feel the need to take up with me? His wife cut him off from sex 35 years ago. But, he admittedly kow-tows to his wife's every whim (except behind her back he sees me). He says he cares about me. My gut feel is he is using me. Plus, history proves he is 99% likely to be using me. Why would someone do that?
ANSWER: Loneliness. You fill a void in his life.
Wiz
March 11, 2009
Question: Do I dump a friend even as a friend when I honestly only have married friends left? I love him, and he likes me more than a friend, plus unfortunately/fortunately we have a "friendship with benefits." It is so difficult!
ANSWER: If he likes you more than a friend, the “benefits” become misleading cues for him and unmeaning fun for you. When you want to dump him, the unmeaning fun becomes a confounding detriment. That is, if you don’t love him and want to dump him. Your question implies you want to dump him and you are finding it difficult – and understandably so – but you include a statement that you love him. The Wiz takes that as an admission that you “care” for him. If you really do love him, no reason exists to dump him.
Wiz
March 10, 2009
Question: Okay. Well, I am going out with my boyfriend for almost a month. I will be going off to college this fall and won’t be able to see much of him because of me going so far away. I really like him, but I don’t feel like I want to date him anymore. But I can’t break up with him. He still has another year left until he is a senior. And when we first started to date I said that I want to be with him through college, but I don’t want to anymore, and the further I wait the harder it is going to be for the both of us. We like each other but I don’t know that I love him. He tends to be the type of person who needs to know where you are and if you don’t answer him he goes and gets one of my friend’s numbers. I know that may be low and that is one thing that I cannot stand in a relationship. I feel like I am being stalked. But he doesn’t see it that way. He cares a lot about me and I care about him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings and sound like a bitch at the same time. I don’t want a commitment and he does, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings and him exploding up on me for the smallest thing. I don’t know. I may sound stupid, but I just don’t know what I should do. I want to live my life before I go to college to be able to hangout with other guys and not have to worry about doing anything with them because of my boyfriend. I mean we like each other a lot, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I want to be friends and hang out but I don’t want a commitment. Hell, I’m going off to college. We may not see eye to eye at times, but there is something about us that makes us get closer. And I don’t want to. So I feel as though I need to do something fast before it gets any further and a lot harder on the both of us. I hangout with other guys and all too, but I want to have fun and go and do stuff. I don’t want to have to worry about my boyfriend all the time. Please help me!
ANSWER: You are clear about what you want. You are unclear about how to get there. You want to end the dating with your boyfriend and you know that if you wait longer it will be more difficult for both of you when you break up. You know you don’t love him. You don’t want the commitment.
You know the answer, which is that you must dump him once and for all, so that all your worrying and hassling about what you should do will end. It is normal and right that you feel stalked, you don’t want to sound like a bitch, you want to have fun without worrying about what your boyfriend will think or do, you want to be friends (only) and hang out with him, and you do not want all the boyfriend hang-ups.
How easy it will be to dump him will depend on how mature he is. If he is immaturely stuck on you, he will resist and might pester you. If he is mature and understands that dating does not last and can accept the reality that the time has come for your dating relationship with him to end, he will accept it and move on. From the text of your question, it appears he is possessive, controlling, and immature.
However accurate or inaccurate that assessment may be, the only sure way to handle this is a clear, unmistakable message to him that you are through with the relationship, you want to be free to do as you please, and you don’t want any more romantic involvement with him. This you need to tell him directly and swiftly. Be firm. Do not say that “there is something about us that gets us closer.” Do not agree to a date to discuss it. Rebuff any efforts he makes to re-establish meetings or conversations. End it completely with one clearly stated objective – it is time for you to move on.
Afterward, when time may have healed some wounds, opportunity may arise to re-establish a non-romantic, non-dating friendship. Leave that for later, because if he handles the breakup immaturely, he will not understand how to manage a shift from dating to hanging out as friends. He’ll have too much to handle with the breakup alone.
Wiz
March 7, 2009
Question: Hi :) I dated this guy about four years ago. We were really happy together and all but a few weeks after we started dating, his ex girlfriend wanted him back and he just ran to her. I was really upset, but I overcame that and after a few months we became good friends. The thing is, all of this time he's been telling me that if he knew the things he knows now, he'd never dump me like he did before. So, we've been hanging out. Nothing has happened yet, but we're always teasing each other. Everything’s perfect, except the fact that out of nowhere, he gets really cold with me for a few days and again out of nowhere, he gets really nice again. I have really liked this guy, and still do, but I refuse to go through losing him again. Should I let him go?
ANSWER: You did not revive the relationship when you became good friends. You’ve been hanging out – but not dating. If you had been dating again, the advice might be that he’s playing the field and you are number two – the back-up girl. However, given that the dating relationship had not revived, you had no reason to expect to be number one. If during the few days he grew cold he found another girl who excited him briefly, that is not abnormal, not cheating, and not unfaithful to you, because you had no claim on him. Teasing does not make a relationship.
Talk to him. Ask how he feels about entering a new dating relationship. Tell him about your feelings for him and see how he reacts. If he is positive and wants to give it a try, warn him about your concerns that you would not want to lose him again like you did before. See how well he reassures you.
If he is not interested, or if he seems neutral about the idea, the teasing has been fun but has no meaning, and you should just stay friends.
Wiz
March 5, 2009
Question: Guy moves out to "get his head on straight" and insists he's still in the relationship. Dump or not?
ANSWER: He could be, if you let him. It is all up to you.
The point to be made is this: He has no basis to insist on anything. The decision about how much of the relationship survives his moving out is entirely, unequivocally, and irrevocably yours.
Wiz
March 5, 2009
Question: I'm in a great relationship. We're both in our late 20s and have a fantastic time together. However, we are both at transitions in our lives and not sure about the direction our lives are going, except that we will definitely be apart for a few months and don't know where we'll be following that. I think we can work things out and make an effort to be together. He is afraid of the future. When I suggest breaking up, he does not want to. But cannot address trying to be together because there is more to do. I believe we can do it together as we share values in exploring and we both like to move around. I know things will change in our new lives, but the thought of breaking it off hurts me more than anything. It doesn't feel right. He wants to wait and see. What do I do?
ANSWER: If the relationship is great and you enjoy a fantastic time together, splitting up even for a short time is difficult, but the beautiful experience you have had together can be the tie that bonds you while you are apart for a few months. Definitely try to keep your relationship alive, even if you are distant from each other, because once a healthy romance is started, ending it, for no reason other than a necessary circumstance of being apart for a few months, will result in unnecessary tragedy.
His fear of the future is no reason to end the relationship. Some things are worth fighting for and sustaining hope for, and one of the most important things that fits into that category is love.
Wiz
March 4, 2009
Question: Well, in June 2008, my boyfriend and two of his friends went on a trip to a place where prostitution is legal. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 years and a half then. Well, his 2 friends kept making fun of him on that trip because he was being faithful to me and they wanted him to get girls like they were all doing. So one night my boyfriend goes to the red light district (where all the prostitutes are) and paid one of them 50 euros for 20 minutes of pleasure. He wanted to kiss her but she didn’t let him because she said she might have something. Well this whole story I find out from one of his best friends, and I just recently found out in January 2009. My boyfriend hasn't told me or brought the subject up. I even doubt he was ever going to tell me. Well, let’s just say that I found out about this in December 2008 and the way I found out he cheated was by taking a pap smear, the results telling me I have something. When I told my boyfriend, he kept trying to find an excuse out of it saying that it's probably an STD from a toilet seat or something. Well then, after a few days after I was pressuring him to tell me, he tells me that he did cheat but that he doesn’t remember any of it (which is a lie). My boyfriend and I are still dating and have been for 3 years now. He lied to me and I found out from his friend about everything he has done because he wouldn't tell me because he said he was afraid to lose me. Is it worth getting an STD, being cheated on, and lied? I don’t know what I should do. I love him to bits!!
ANSWER: Hopefully, and because you haven’t been more informative about its effects, the Wiz assumes the STD is treatable or at least manageable, so that it does not adversely affect your current sex life and will not affect your future health.
If your boyfriend lost you over this, he could not escape the conclusion that his 50 euros for 20 minutes of pleasure was one very expensive romp.
Anyway, you are clear that you still “love him to bits.” You still date him after learning of the STD in December and learning of his escapade in January of this year. One would hope he is contrite and counting his blessings that you remain in love with him.
If you still love him, as you say, your love is most likely worth the cost to you of the STD, being cheated on, and lied to. The STD is a hugely unlucky consequence of a one-time, 20 minute indiscretion. The embarrassment of explaining the details should be sufficient humiliation to constitute a character-building block in his life, and should cause him to become ever more careful about his behavior and more truthful to you.
Ultimately, the decision whether to dump is always yours. The Wiz cannot make this value judgment for you. It does appear, however, that your love is deep enough and strong enough to withstand and overcome your boyfriend’s bumbling mistakes.
Wiz
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