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March 30, 2008
Question: Should I dump a guy who pressures me for sex after only 3 dates?
ANSWER: If you don’t like it, tell him to stop. If he keeps pressuring you, dump him. No guy who respects his girl will pressure her into something she isn’t ready for, if he knows that she doesn’t like being pressured.
Some guys think the girl really likes it, even if she says she doesn’t. Just in case your guy thinks it is that way, be sure he understands. Tell him clearly that if he continues you will end the relationship “faster than a ten-wheeler squashes road kill.” He should understand that.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. He cheated on me during the first 2 months we started going out officially, so I broke up with him, but eventually got back together. He has stopped seeing her period, but still talks to her on the phone. It does bother me, but he says they’re just friends and she’s the one who’s always calling him. He treats me really good. He takes me out to dinner and movies and pays for everything, but recently we just keep fighting. I always start them, I'm not sure why. I feel like I always nit-pick him about every little thing, but he puts up with it. I give him soooo much crap over nothing and he takes it. I just don't know if I should be with him anymore. He makes me happy, but sometimes I'm just miserable.
ANSWER: Why are you miserable? Is it something he does, or doesn’t do, or is it you? If it is you, ask him in a quiet moment together what he likes about you. Take it all in and put it into your heart. Realize he values you greatly. That might help you to be less miserable to him.
If it is him, figure out what it is that bothers you. Decide whether it is tolerable. If it is, get over it and tolerate it. If it isn’t, then dump him and move on.
From your question, it seems that you have both things going on – he is responsible and so are you. Try both methods, but note the following advice on the one issue you mention in your question that may be a possible source of dispute between you.
The calls from the former girlfriend sound innocent enough on his part, but he should end it. If she is a former girlfriend that keeps calling, and his interest in her is truly gone, as it probably is if he isn’t calling her, then she should be asked to stop. If this is the source of most of your fighting, then he should take care of this right away because it is disturbing you, and you are not wrong in your feeling uneasy about it.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: Seen him a few times, and he seems to really like me, but not sure about him. He’s not like the blokes I normally go out with. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: If you like him, give him a chance. Variety in life is generally good. However, if you are not sure of him because of something you don’t like, he won’t change it, and you can’t tolerate it, then yes, dump him.
Wizard
March 30, 2008
Question: I've been going out with this guy for like 3 months and already he is clingy and OVERPROTECTIVE! He got all mad at one of my closest guy friends because he thought we were flirting, and he never uses my name. It’s always "my girlfriend." At first it was cute, but now it’s just annoying! I want to dump him because I just don't like him anymore, but I don't know if I should. If I do, how should I?
ANSWER: When you find your boyfriend to be annoying, clingy, and overprotective, it is time to dump him.
You can do this by text message (usually not the greatest way), telephone (well, it’s okay), or directly (the more respectful and more brave way). After you’ve dated long enough to have almost any kind of normal conversation, you should be able to talk to him, so long as he isn’t threatening or maliciously troubling you. In the talk, you tell him out straight that you do not want to date any more.
In doing this, you want to be sure to avoid saying what was wrong with him. Don’t complain or give him list of “Don’t Do’s” for his next dating relationship. Let him figure all that out himself. Instead, give him some compliments. Give him a way to feel good about himself, because he might be vulnerable to self-doubt and anxiety about his looks or personality when he learns he is dumped.
Do not hedge in your decision. In other words, don’t say something like this: “Well, maybe we can get back together again after a month or so, when I’ve had some time to think about our relationship.” When he asks if there is any chance at all to keep the relationship together, do not say, “Maybe.” The answer is, “No.”
Without a specific question from you, these are general basics for you to follow.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: I met a guy 3 months ago. He is 38 and I'm 41. We are both very good looking people. It seems that I always initiate a meeting. Recently I asked him why will he not have sex with me? I even asked him if he was attracted to me as I am a really good looking woman for my age. I also am an aerobics instructor so I have a great physique. Last week he asked me to stay over at his apartment and we had great sex together. Then it happened all three days in a row. The very next day after that, he text messaged me to ask if I was okay. Later that evening he called to visit at my home, but I was not home. I took my daughter to the movies. So I explained to him on the phone that I will be home in an hour. He was a little frustrated and then said to me that we don't have to see each other every day. We will see each other on the weekend and/or maybe one day in the week. He went on explaining to me that he is a single guy, that he has friends, that he is not tied up to anybody, and he will speak with me in the week. He called me a day after this incident, skipped one day of no contact, and then he text messaged me again. Yesterday I heard nothing from him at all. Should I call him or should I wait for him to call?
ANSWER: Sure you can call him. Let things develop naturally. It will all work out if it is the best thing for both of you.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: OK. I know being the "other woman" I am asking for a lot of problems. The most obvious is low priority compared to all the other things. This guy knew going in that he had no intention of leaving his wife, but still relentlessly pursued me. I tried to stop it, and told him I was very fragile, and not to mess with my emotions. I feel this went right over his head, because he had a different agenda. His wife, according to him, is cold and they have not been intimate in any way for 30 years. Along comes me, and I am warm and absolutely adore him. At first (of course), he was pretty attentive. But now, we cannot get through a day without my feelings hurt because he has to do something besides be with me. One thing about me that he knows and is willing to accept about me is that I have Major Depression of a disabling nature. I have to travel on a plane to my therapy about every month. The drive to the airport causes great panic. But I just have to endure. In the eight months we have been together, I have done this trip eight times. He has never once offered to take me to the airport. I do it alone. He says he has no obligation to me. Do not I deserve something being his "girlfriend?" I am the one who fills a once empty "box" that used to be cold, baren, dull, and passionless. I provide charm, good looks, sex, wit, caring and adoration. If I display other feelings, such as emotions or desire for honest communication, he absolutely shuts down saying I think and worry too much. If he would just talk to me honestly and tell me where we are going, I would not HAVE TO think and worry so much. I have read that communication is vital in a relationship. And, he likes to say, "he does not know how to express his feelings." Well, he sure did at the beginning, but now cops out accusing me of being too emotional. Getting back to the plane rides, I know she is his wife, but he is bringing her healthy self to the airport, and will pick her up. I think that is nice, but he never thinks to help me with that errand. It makes me feel really bad. I am constantly being told how other things are taking precedence over me. It is a daily dose of "you're not worthy." I am being taken for granted, right?
A person with Depression naturally feels worthless, and though I have expressed this to me, he never wants to address it back. I would even appreciate him telling me, "Yes, you are not worth it for me to go out of my way for you." He acts that out, but I would like him to be man enough to tell me.
ANSWER: Do not date a married man. If you do, you will always play second fiddle and be expendable. You are a convenience. You satisfy needs he misses at home, but you are not a love interest. You are an ice cream at dairy queen. When he’s hot, you satisfy him. When you stay too long, you get warm and melt, and he doesn’t want melted ice cream.
He doesn’t want you – he wants what you give him. His needs are temporary. His interest in you is worthless.
You deserve better. Listen to yourself: “I provide charm, good looks, sex, wit, caring and adoration. If I display other feelings, such as emotions or desire for honest communication, he absolutely shuts down saying I think and worry too much.” This is as obvious as the sun on a cloudless afternoon in the desert. You do all that you say you do, and you deserve a gentleman who will respond with love and affection. He shuts down because he sees you as only a convenience to satisfy his need. He dismisses you adroitly and you let him do it.
Your depression may be contributing to your willingness to subject yourself to this relationship. You must stop the relationship and find a single guy who will value you. You deserve that, but your depression may get in the way of your finding it. If this is not obvious to you, you need to get professional help to see the hot afternoon, desert sun and realize your dilemma.
Wizard
March 26, 2008
Question: Okay, so me and my friend that I wasn’t friends with anymore, somehow we just became friends again. Last Friday we just kind of started talking . . . and couldn’t stop!! It was like she had changed, or I had missed her soo much that it felt soo good to talk to her again!!! Back when we were best friends, I would kind of be sick of her, but now I want to keep talking to her!!!!! But the thing is, I am still hurt about this, and we didn’t really get to talk a lot about what happened. Now, I know your going to tell me to just talk to her, but I’m just thinking that if I become friends with her again, I'll just get hurt again. Or maybe things will go back to normal soon and she'll just be boring to me again, or not the best friend I hoped for. I’m feeling iffy about this, but now I want to be friends with her!! I just don’t want to get hurt because she's not what I think of as “perfect" but I do want to be friends again. We have a good time just talking, and we talk a lot.
ANSWER: Good for you. It is wonderful to have friends, and if none of them are perfect, it is still good to be able to talk to them and enjoy it. Take all your friends for what they are, not what they could be, or what you want them to be. They are what they are with all their imperfections. Be grateful you have them and be good to them. The rewards are big.
Wizard
March 26, 2008
Question: Okay, so me and this guy have been dating for a month and I like him a lot. But recently he's been talking to me about marriage and how he's got a promise ring and everything. He's got our whole future planned out. The thing is I'm only 16 years old and I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Not only that, but he's taken up hanging out with my 13 year old step sister, and she keeps trying to get him to leave me for her. He doesn’t understand that she's hitting on him and thinks it's all fun and games. I talked to him about it and he says that he thought that I trusted him and that we've obviously got some issues with our relationship. I want him to know that I do trust him, I just don’t entirely trust her. I care about him a lot and I'm just kind of confused.
ANSWER: Dump him and talk serious to your sister. You are both too young and he’s got immature hopes written all over him, and none of them are good for you or your sister.
You might like him a lot, but a promise ring and planning your future together is idiocy (a habit of idiots). If you were 8 and he was 9, it would be a form of cute puppy love. At sixteen (and goodness knows his age) it is worth no more than puppy love and is dangerous because you are playing with a whole new set of behavioral troubles.
For instance – is sex involved? We all hope not. But he’s got it in mind, be sure of that.
He’s taken up hanging out with your sister. What does that tell you? You are right that it is not all fun and games. Do not trust him.
Wizard
March 25, 2008
Question: I have a boyfriend and he loves me to bits and kept on asking me out, so I eventually said yes. But I hate him. There isn’t one bit of him I like. I don’t even like him as a friend and I want to dump him, but how without him getting angry and crying and start having a fight with me!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: Wow. Well, here is a definite dump in the making. You do it quickly and with great clarity. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to date.
Do not bother with an explanation. Do not argue. It requires no discussion. If he gets angry, cries, or starts having a fight with you, leave him immediately. Do not engage in any discussion over it because it is your decision, only yours. He has no say in the matter.
It might be wise, if you fully expect a scene, to do it in a public place, or even safer, by telephone. You may have to avoid him after that, and so you will if you must.
He should be man enough to respect your decision and get over it. If he can’t, he’s a menace to be avoided and ignored.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and I honestly love him a lot, but for the past month and a half he has been sick, so our conversations have been strictly over the phone. The last time I have seen him was on Valentines Day! I miss him a lot and I think he misses me. He says he does, at least. For our three-month anniversary he sent me a dozen long-stemmed red roses with a card saying that he was sorry that he was sick and he just wanted to let me know that he still loved me. My problem is that every time we are supposed to hang out together something always comes up to keep us from being able to. These things are not always things that we can control, but it just seems to happen. Quite frankly, I am tired of our relationship being strictly over the phone. I know that he can’t help being sick and I want to be fair to him, but if things keep coming up is that a sign that it’s not going to work? It sounds stupid when I type it, but it’s been bothering me for a while now. Him being sick has just magnified the whole situation. I think it is really sad when I can walk to his house but it seems like a long, long distance relationship. I don’t want to admit it, but I really don’t feel as close to him anymore. Maybe when I see him again we will be even closer, but I really don’t know what to do. Please help me to figure out how to handle this. Thanks.
ANSWER: If the sole reason for not getting together was his sickness, he must be one really sick guy. We all hope he gets well and shakes it off completely.
The roses are definitely a good sign of his intentions.
But the relationship must be a happy one for you. You are not related. You are not married. You are not committed beyond a simple dating relationship. You must follow your gut feeling, your heart, your personal instinct, about where you go and with whom you go.
You are not obligated to stay as his “date” out of sympathy for his illness. Your question implies that more than illness has gotten in the way – and if that is so, his interest may have waned also.
Do what you feel is right for you. Do not feel a moral or ethical obligation to stay committed to him – you must feel the romance in the relationship to keep it going.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: Hello! I don't want to dump a guy, I'm just lost and I don't know what to think. I'm seeing this guy for over 6 months. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it isn't. Before we started dating, he was in a long relationship and he isn't quite over that yet (sad, I know), but not like he wants to be with that girl again. He's just afraid to commit again. He's afraid he'll be hurt again. So, last night he sent me a sms, some song, it's all about what would he do for me, nice things, but it ends unexpected. It goes something like this – if I only knew how to appreciate your love. I was very sad when I saw that. That doesn't sound good, not to me at least. Please tell me. Am I crazy, should I be mad? I don't know what to think. I think he wanted to tell me he's sorry for that. He didn't want to make me feel bad, I'm sure, but it's just so sad, I'm so sad. I love him.
ANSWER: It is worrisome if he knew what he wrote. He should be hot doggin’ it to get your love, not wondering how to appreciate it.
You are not crazy and you should want to know what it means. You probably don’t have reason, yet, to be mad – sad, perhaps, but not mad.
It might mean he wants to do more for you and is unsure how to show you his appreciation. This seems likely if he is an accurate writer, because he uses the word “how,” suggesting that he does appreciate your love, just doesn’t know how to do it. If that is his meaning, you should be glad, not mad or sad.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: I am so stuck. I have been dating this guy for about seven months, and he has made me the happiest I have ever been. The thing that is killing me is that in the beginning, he brought me flowers, we went out more often, shaved when he saw me, and seemed to make much more of an effort. Now, the last time I got flowers was Valentine’s Day. We chill at home more often, and even though I see him every day of the weekend, he doesn’t shave for me and puts much less grooming effort into it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he never used to do any of that stuff, but the absence of it now makes me feel so unloved. I love him so much and he says that to me as well, but I don’t want him to say he loves me, I want him to show he loves me. I put so much effort in, my friends agree, and I don’t want to expect anything back. I want to be surprised by his thoughtfulness, but I am not. For the first time, I thought about dumping the man I have loved more than anything, because, if I talk to him about it, it defeats the point. What can I do?! I’m desperate!
ANSWER: He has become complacent in your relationship. He doesn’t feel that he has to work to keep you. Or, he doesn’t want you so much any more, and won’t go the extra effort to keep you.
Either way, you’ve got a guy who used to do extra things for you, make an effort for you, do the right thing for you to keep you, and now he’s become a lunk in your presence.
Maybe he needs some kind of wake up call. If you want to try to revive the guy you used to know, put some excitement or surprise into the relationship. That’s right – you do it. See if it sparks in him a renewed interest for you.
For instance, take him out one night. Let him think it’s a normal, casual evening, and that you’re going to some average restaurant you might boringly go to again. Instead, surprise him by driving to a sports event (assuming he is into it), with tickets in your pocket bought and paid for, for a team he likes a lot. Eat dinner there (even if it’s hot dogs) and watch the game. He will be pleasantly surprised. When he says thanks for the great evening, say, “You’re welcome. Now you can surprise me next time soon!” Whistle with a wink and a smile.
If he’s got half a brain, you will rustle up enough brain cells so he’ll be creative enough to surprise you. If he does, encourage it, even if the surprise was not quite as nice. Get him into a routine of doing surprises. When you surprise him after his surprise the next time, maybe it’s just a gift of something he thinks is cool. Give him the same “surprise me next time” and whistle with a wink and a smile. He will respond, like Pavlov’s dog.
Both of you will enjoy doing it and both will benefit from it. If it becomes routine, surprises will become routine. What do ya say to that? By the way, not all surprises must cost money. Many things can be done to surprise. Be creative and make it fun.
Good luck.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. On a few occasions he has said he will call at a certain time and will call later (sometimes hours, sometimes days). When he does this it makes me feel that he is not concerned with how I feel or has respect for me. We only talk on the phone maybe once a week to make plans (brief calls) and send quick emails here and there. He has also backed out of plans without a real apology. It is important to me that people keep their plans (unless it is an emergency situation, of course -or- if he asks you first to rebook with a respectful amount of time’s notice).
I’ve told him how I feel and asked him why he did not call last time when he said he would. He said, “I don’t know.” What is that???? I felt if I asked any more that I would be the bitch for riding his ass. He said he will call me this week on a certain day for sure. Not sure if I should just call it off now or wait until then?
I must wonder if it is already like this now, will he become even more self-absorbed if our relationship were to continue? Or is there someway I can speak with him so he will understand and behave better?
We have not defined our relationship, but I am not seeing anyone else. We have not had intimate relations (just kissing). I have told him it is important to me that we have certain important discussions before our relationship progresses to this.
I don’t need him (I am fine to be on my own, which keeps me single for another suitable guy), but he does have positive attributes I do like besides this, so I don’t want to dump him prematurely if this is something that could be worked out. Not sure how to do that.
What do you think?
ANSWER: At this point you can give him the benefit of your doubts because you haven’t known him long enough and well enough to see how much of this is neglect or willful intent. Wait to see if the call comes as anticipated.
A sit-down with him is a good idea. Don’t be schoolmarmish (like a school teacher with finger pointing!).
One way to raise the subject is to say, “I know you must be busy,” or “You have lots on your mind,” or “I know we haven’t developed our relationship a whole lot, so I’m not the first on your list of importance . . .” End it with something like, “so I sure would love it if you will call,” or “when you call I’ll be looking forward to it,” or “your next call will make me feel a lot better.” In between you explain that when you wait for a call you get disappointed when it doesn’t come. Tell him it is better to surprise you with an unexpected call than to tell you he’ll call and not call. But you hope he does call.
See where that gets you.
As for making plans and backing out, it’s bad manners, unless it is for an extraordinary reason. If this is his habit, don’t let him get away with it.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: I BEGAN LOVING A GUY SINCE LAST YEAR JANUARY,WHEN WE MET. HE NEVER TOLD ME HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND, BUT AS MONTHS PASSED HE DECIDED TO SIT ME DOWN AND TELL ME THAT THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY. BUT THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER. BUT ALL ALONG THE CHILD’S MOTHER ALWAYS KEEPS CALLING MY PHONE AND CALLING ME NAMES. HE ALWAYS TELLS ME IT IS ME HE WANTS AND THAT’S IT.
ANSWER: This guy should have told you in the beginning and the mother of his child will not go away. If you don’t like this situation, find another guy.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: My "friend" started it. The guy told me he was "in love with me" but never followed up, except for to have sex with me (dump me). He has continually made me feel very low priority in his life. In fact, the lowest priority. Now, I think he is tired of me, and wants to throw me away. He does not want the guilt of doing that, so instead he does things that are forcing me to get away before I go insane. (Neglect, rejection, unavailability, always in a hurry, has no time for me, etc.). My question is: Is this a method of throwing a girl away and avoiding feeling guilty? Especially, considering they started it, and the girl wanted to keep it just friends, but he persisted?
ANSWER: Yes, that is a method of throwing a girl away and avoiding feeling guilty – a bad method. Dumping you this way is disrespectful and cowardly. If he respected you, he would at least tell you how he feels. It’s cowardly because it is harder to talk to you and be honest than it is to hide and avoid dealing with real issues.
He should feel guilty using a coward’s method to dump.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy on and off for about 4 months. I'm 14 and he's 13. He's really good to me, but . . . I don't know, it's like I try to avoid him all the time. I'm best friends with all of his best friends, and everyone thinks we're perfect together, but I just don't like him the way that I liked my ex, Steven. I guess I like him, but it just feels like I have to be his girlfriend to have friends. But I just want only to be friends with him. I feel way too much pressure to be his girlfriend and it's no fun. What should I do??
ANSWER: Follow how you feel. Tell him that you like him and that you want to be a friend, but that you aren’t ready for a dating relationship with him. Don’t listen to his friends. Do not listen to your friends, either. Listen to your heart. Do what your heart tells you. That is your only guide and your best guide.
Be sure you tell him. Don’t leave him in the dark. Be frank with him. He should understand and be accepting about your wishes.
If he isn’t, he needs a boot, but he’s been a good guy, so he is likely to continue to be a good guy.
Wizard
March 21, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been off and on for a little over 3 years. We have been through just about anything you can think of. When I met him, he was still "married" but separated. So we went through his divorce together, with his child involved as well, and have been through just about anything you can think of.
About 6 months into our relationship, he cheated, and ever since then I don’t know if that’s when it went south or what really actually happened. He begged me too stay with him, saying that he couldn’t see his life without me. So I did, after consideration that I DO love this man, stay with him.
Well, after we made it over that hump, things just got strange. It became he didn’t trust me and always had to be in control of whatever was going on. Needless to say, that hasn’t gotten any better, or really changed so to speak. He still does control everything.
We have fought enough that we are both so sick of fighting, and its not even over rational things to fight about! I don’t know really what happened to us, or where he lost trust for me. I haven’t always been the most rational person myself, either.
Well, just recently, like as in a few days ago, he tells me that because of all of the **** that has happened in the past, and whatever else he could bring into it, that he changed his mind about having kids and getting married again, that he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, and wants out.
The funny thing is, for one, he’s done this I don’t know how many times before, and actually left me and been with another woman for a few months, as in had another girlfriend while I just waited around and pined away at trying to make him come back. It’s like a cycle for him. When I finally did leave him alone, he got a little strange himself, telling me that he wanted me to come back and he couldn’t live without me while he was still with this other girl!
I have done everything short of moving out with him, which I am willing to do, but he never has any money because of bills and child support and so on from his divorce, so he says, which is another thing that we could possibly get into arguments about most of the time. He’s not in the position that I am as far as money, and a life. He kind of sometimes acts like he’s 12 instead of almost 29! He lives at home with his parents in the basement and I live with my mother, as my father just passed away last year, which was another issue for us, since he said I won’t leave my mom now to have a life with him.
It’s just a freaking mess. I am lost and don’t know what to do. Like I said before, it’s like a cycle for him and I am stupid enough to wait every time, because I don’t think that he’s actually telling me how he really feels, because it’s too hard for him to admit that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He’s afraid he’ll end up divorced again even though I don’t believe in divorce in most cases.
So, I guess with that being said, he told me about 2 days ago that we are done for good etc., etc., etc., to get the hell away from him and that I need to move on with my life. We have fought and made it through ANYTHING imaginable. And it hasn’t been easy, trust me! But on the other hand of this, he does this, and always comes back telling me he didn’t know what he was thinking, and telling me that he doesn’t love and have any feelings for me anymore was not true.
So am I being dumb enough to fall for it every time, or is there something else that I’m missing, because quite frankly I’ve never been in something sooo unclear in my entire life, and I’ve tried everything to make this work. Do I wait around this time because it’s a cycle for him, or do I actually move on? I’m 26 years old and I can’t keep doing this forever. I know that. If I’m supposed to move on, how the hell do I do this?!?!?!? I literally freak out every time this happens and can’t keep myself away from him. I have to keep bugging him until he gets mean and says things that I really pray to god he doesn’t actually mean. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANSWER: As unclear as this has been to you, you made it clear that this is a cycle for him. You are likely to be right about that. If you continue in your relationship with him, the cycle will continue. The nature of a cycle is that it repeats.
As you said, at your age you cannot keep doing this forever. Most girls would be thoroughly exasperated. Your problem is that you are thoroughly exasperated but don’t quite know it yet. The reason you don’t know it yet is that you have feelings of love for him. You don’t quite yet want to let go of him.
He is evidently confused. If he loved you, as you believe he does, he would not be so confused.
You will do yourself good to move on, as he told you to do. Keep your pride and dignity, because you have handled this strange situation well. You do not deserve the erratic behavior, the unfaithfulness, and the mean things he has said to you. Put him away in the closet of your mind where you forget the past, and move on to a new guy who adores you and acts like it.
Wizard
March 21, 2008
Question: I have been with a fellow for over 2 years. Both of us have been married in the past. The other day he said to me that he is just confused as to what he wants right now in his life. He said, “I am thinking. Should I start to mold my life and settle down or do I want to have sexual relationships with other women?” He is confused, as he said. He thinks this at times. But, as well, he doesn’t want to hurt me as he cares for me. But I said he is hurting me when he isn’t giving himself fully to me. He also said he never has cheated since we have been together, but isn’t sure if he is just going though a mid-life crisis, as he is 45 years old.
I said then we should go our own ways for a year or so and see what happens, but he doesn’t want to, as he knows he will lose me totally. And I feel he wants his cake and eat it too. But at the same time he is being honest with me, which he always has been in the past. I am confused as to what to think about this. Do I just say I throw trash out or do I just stay and see what happens? But inside I think I can I trust him now that he has told me this, or is it a male Fantasy, or is he just trying to see how I would respond?
I have always said you cheat once, you are cheating yourself as you will lose me. His father was this way as well, and he also told me he doesn’t want to be like his Dad. Now what do I do, dump him now before I get hurt more, knowing this is how he is feeling?
ANSWER: Second thoughts in mid-life are normal and they do not need to constitute a crisis. Even President Jimmy Carter acknowledged his lust for other women. An honest statement, this would be, for most all men in their mid-forties.
The issue is not whether he is attracted to other girls. The issue is whether he is committed to you. If you are uncomfortable with him being unfaithful (that is normal too), he must decide whether he stays with you or has sexual relations with other women. Out of respect for you, he shouldn’t do both.
Now you know that his feeling is not unusual for a guy his age. You should not dump him because he has these feelings. If he acts on them and cheats, and if that is important to you, then you dump him. If he keeps the thought as a fantasy, and no more, and decides to stay with you, you can tolerate some normal, wayward dreaming.
Wizard
March 21, 2008
Question: I have been dating a guy in a heavy metal band now for 10 months. He invited himself over to this teenage girl's house to fix her guitar and I felt uncomfortable. He invited her to the show tonight, which makes me not even want to go. He has a kid by another woman and only has odd jobs to pay child support. Other than that, he doesn't work. We live in his trailer and I work but we don't make enough to ever get ahead. He always says all the girls like him most out of all the band members, which kind of irritates me. He is the hot one, so it is true, but the band makes no money and I have scoliosis, so the lifestyle is hard on me. I'm 29 and he's 33. I want kids and a stable life, but I feel as if I'm so far from being able to make a decision like that because I'm too busy trying to hold on to him. He said he was quitting the band a few times and building a house on a lot he has, but nothing like that has even come close to reality.
ANSWER: He chooses an avocation that strokes his ego and gives him lots of time to have fun, create, and play with friends. In the meantime, you are feeling left out, jealous of his attraction to younger girls, and watching the time clock speed by for an opportunity to have children and stable life.
The missing information is how he feels about you and your goals. If he loves you and shares your goals, a good sit-down discussion is in order. If he doesn’t love you, you are a convenient relationship, and that bodes poorly for your chances in meeting your goals. If he loves you, but doesn’t share your goals, he’s heading down a path you don’t want to follow.
If he loves you and shares your goals, both of you need to start planning, and working toward accomplishing your goals. He may not want to stop his avocation and he shouldn’t have to stop it. As an avocation, it need not sponge up all his time for you and devotion to you. He must reassure you and show he means it.
The lifestyle he lives is energetic and tottering: Energetic, because the schedule is unsteady and events occur at odd hours, gigs are high excitement, music band members usually live life large, and he’s a sexual attraction to a host of young women; Tottering because none of this builds stability and security, unless the band is a rare success. The urgency with which you approach him is dependent upon how long in time your ability and willingness to live life large, like he does, last.
Wizard
March 20, 2008
Question: I like my guy . . . as a friend. I need to DUMP him!!! How do I do it?
ANSWER: Tell him, like a friend, that you like him as a friend, and that dating is not what friends do. The first step is to decide to do it and the biggest and most difficult step, the second step, is to go do it.
This shouldn’t be too hard for you because he is a friend. If he understands (and he should), it won’t be too hard for him either.
Wizard
March 18, 2008
Question: I wrote on March 10th. I just want to say Thank you soo much!!! You are soo wise!!! xoxoxo
Also, is it wise to date online? Everyone I meet there seems crazy. lol!!! Should I just not search at all and wait for Mr. right to just show up?
I love your site and have been recommending it to others!!! Thanks for all the kind words too. That has helped me to feel better!
I think he was a nice guy, but I guess he must've felt like I wasn't the ONE for him, since I wanted so much attention. lol. He mainly focused on himself and obviously didn't have a lot of compassion, but I guess it's hard for me to see that because I only dated him for 2 months and I wish he could've seen who I really am, not the naive me who was inexperienced at dating. But even when I texted him and acted all crazy trying to get him back, he never even had the courtesy to write me back or at least talk to me one last time to give me closure. But I forgive him for that. I believe he was just non-confrontational and didn't know what to say. It just confused me cause he liked me so much and just cause I acted clingy he never wanted to talk to me again, but I guess that's normal. I just wished I knew what I know now. I was soo inexperienced then and shy, but now I know all about dating and guys. Well, at least I learned from all this and like you said, it's his loss! I know other guys would love a girl that has learned so much and wants to learn a lot about guys! Thanks again!!!
ANSWER: It’s his loss indeed.
Thank you again for your appreciation and compliments.
On-line dating usually cannot give you the real experience. If it results in meeting the right guy, of course, that is good, and it can happen. The better way to meet the right guy, though, is to watch for it but have it happen naturally, probably when you least expect it.
Wizard
March 18, 2008
Question: I wrote on March 3rd. About the psychopath. I took your advice and began avoiding forms of contact. I thought it would leave me feeling in control; it hasn't, but I am still doing it. The temptation to communicate on a friendly basis is so strong for me, but I do not do it and won't.
The communications have now virtually stopped, with the exception of short business e-mails. Sometimes he previews these messages and deletes without actually opening. This is a "rude" e-mail tactic. He knows it burns me.
I am still worried about my reputation and how he could taint me to my colleagues by portraying me in an unrealistic way.
I am writing again because I did not realize the damage that was done to me by this guy. I am normally self-assured, confident, and I am told that I am attractive. I feel like I have been withered away and, believe it or not, still very depressed that this guy just moved on to his next "victim." I feel really dumb that I let him in to control me. I feel even more dumb that the relationship wasn’t physical (I wanted it to be bad), that I didn’t see the "signs." It might not have been physical, but it sure was emotional!! Every time I hear how wonderful or hot he is (best looking guy I have ever seen including in the movies-ha) it makes me physically sick because I know how mean and evil he really is. How long will I be sad and battered? How long until I work normally again and not walk around in a daze, and take "control" back of my life? Not sure I have ever been this depressed. How does one miss a psychopath??? Thank you for your advice.
ANSWER: Keep up the good work in avoiding him. Do not stop avoiding him. In two weeks time he has stopped the communications except for the short business e-mails. This positive development could have taken longer. If you keep at it, it will continue to improve.
Your feeling in control will improve too. As for your colleagues, you build your reputation over time by what you say and do. The time you spent “involved” with this guy will grow smaller each week, and the memory of your involvement with him will diminish.
You do not miss a psychopath. You miss what you imagined, which was not real. If your imagination of all the great qualities were real, you would be in a physical relationship with him, and you would be happy because your imagination does not include negatives about him. That was only a dream. You must learn to distinguish between reality (the psychopath, as you put it) and the move star white knight you imagined.
You feel dumb and cheated. You aren’t dumb. You saw a good-looking guy and perceived a possible “hook-up” that interested you, and it turned sour sooner than you thought could happen. The best and the brightest fall for imagined guys or girls. You are not cheated. You avoid and ignore someone with whom, now that you see the real person, you don’t want to date or have a relationship. That is a success, an accomplished goal, not a deprivation.
Your experience is real and you have learned from it. You have succeeded in good measure to deal with it. You are, and you deserve to be, a proud, productive, and well-respected woman at work and socially.
You are your worst critic. If you can step back away from this experience (which you can do easier as time goes by) you will see the wizard’s estimation of your abilities and character is downright straight and correct.
Wizard
March 17, 2008
Question: My boyfriend has an 11 month old daughter who he has 50/50 custody of. And lately I have been stuck watching her 3 out of 5 nights after work. On top of this I am taking care of my own 5 year old son and am pregnant with my second child. The problem is, every night that I am left with his daughter I end up with a splitting migraine and just can’t handle her crying constantly. I have told my boyfriend about this but he still continues to go out. Should I dump him? I can't take these migraines anymore. They can't be healthy for my unborn child.
ANSWER: Talk more to your boyfriend about sharing the burden. The 11 month old child adds a significant amount of responsibility, which you don’t need with migraine and a five year old. Though the stress in your situation may not be the ultimate cause of your migraine, stress will worsen the effects, and the intense pain of migraine makes you sensitive to noise, like a crying child.
If he refuses to be more helpful, and assuming the baby on its way is not his, you should find better accommodations. He can still be your boyfriend, if you still want him, but the additional child is not a responsibility you should take up now.
Wizard
March 17, 2008
Question: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years! He's 23 and I’m 18. At first everything was fine. He was sweet and wanted to please me, but now it’s like he doesn’t care! He never takes me any where, but if we do, it’s because I beg, which makes him mad and ruins the entire trip anyways. He doesn’t work and doesn’t help pay our bills since we’ve been living together. I feel violated and lonely. What should I do?
ANSWER: Complications may exist in a shared living situation. For example, you might share the obligation on a lease agreement. You will have to figure out how to resolve complications. You did not include any of that in your question, and some of the information you need may involve legal advice.
Sticking to the limits of your question, the answer is quite simple. Get out and dump him.
Wizard
March 15, 2008
Question: Okay, so me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months, but he says he’s crazy about me and I really have no feelings for him any more. I am really in love with this other guy and I want to dump my boyfriend for the other guy. But I am scared of hurting my boyfriend. I need some help. I really want this other guy really bad. I don’t like my boyfriend any more. What should I do??
ANSWER: Tell him you like him a lot but you want to stop dating. It really is that simple. If he asks why, tell him you just aren’t interested in dating any more. No need to tell him more, and no need to get into a discussion about what was wrong with him. Especially, do not tell him you don’t like him any more.
He may be confused because you will tell him you like him a lot but want to stop dating. He should learn that liking someone a lot does not mean you want to date. He will feel hurt. It is normal to feel hurt when getting dumped. He will get over it. We all learn to get over it because everyone dates and dumps.
Wizard
March 13, 2008
Question: HI again! I asked a question just the other day about a guy I had met through my sister, and had only known for 2 weeks. While your answer was helpful, I personally don’t think someone should be pressuring someone for sex after only knowing them for 2 weeks. Isn’t that a little early? Just curious, because I know it’s a little old fashioned, but is there anyone left who saves the most precious thing GOD gave us (if you believe in GOD) for marriage? So, shouldn’t all these horny guys treating women like pieces of meat just be loaded up in a dump truck like that one and taken to the pound? They’re not humans. They have lowered themselves to animals. Just curious for some input. THANKS
ANSWER: Your question on March 9 raised a relatively simple question. This question of March 13 is loaded!
Without giving a dissertation on the existence of God and what God wants, or requires, the wizard will say this.
Humans are animals, scientifically speaking. They are different from animals because they have the ability to reason. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on one’s perspective, human beings often act on instinctual passions. They all run on a sex drive fueled by a complicated combination of hormones, youth, emotion, and desire. Rational thought occurs but in varying degrees.
If one were to do a scientific study of how soon in a relationship a guy thinks about sex, one would find the sex drive makes an early appearance. In fact, it kicks in the moment he is attracted to the girl, before the relationship starts.
After that, the guy engages in a battle of rational thought (which can include religious beliefs and training) and animal instinct (the sex drive). Add to that a whole series of mental mechanics on how to look and act charismatic; how to overcome personal anxieties about physical appearance and intelligence; lessons learned from past dating experience; and morals and ethics learned from education, experience, and plain gut feeling. All of this gets directed to the ultimate goal of impressing the girl.
If the goal is sex, which often is the case, the girl only needs to be impressed enough to want to engage in sex with the guy. His calculation will include the girl’s history (as much as he can know) and the girl’s propensity for sex (determined from her clothes, her attitude, and cues from her like smiles, things said, and physical touching).
If the goal is a dating relationship that will turn into a loving and lasting relationship, most guys will suppress the sex drive by exercising the brain with rational thought. For some guys this is a huge undertaking and rare; for other guys this is the first mode of operation. Younger guys tend to live in the first category; older and more experienced guys tend to live in the second category.
Whether you believe that a God exists, and what God wants or requires, will affect your opinion about the speed of the guy’s willingness to be motivated by his sex drive.
If a guy is so sexually driven as to force himself onto a girl, or if he attempts to pressure her involuntarily to engage in sex, he acts like an animal without rational thought, and deserves indeed to be loaded up in a dump truck and dumped in the mud. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
If a guy innocently asks for or attempts in a polite way to engage in sex, gets rebuffed, and accepts it out of respect for the girl and stops, he engages in a natural act that should not cause him to be denigrated to the status of animal. If his speed is not liked by the girl, that is a natural response that should not cause her to be denigrated to the status of a prude. Simply put, the two are on different scales of desire, morality, and rational thought.
Wizard
March 13, 2008
Question: Hey, it's me again. We are now back together, and personally I am so happy. His girlfriend dumped him 5 days before prom which is sucky for him but I couldn't be happier. Yes, he is really handsome. I personally can't believe I went through all that crap to be with him! Anyways, there is this crazy girl that won't leave us alone now. She calls him all the time and keeps calling me a slut because she wanted to date him. I just want to know how to get rid of her. She looks like a sweet girl, but if she hasn't noticed he's taken. Maybe I'm a little possessive but the name calling and calling him all the time has to stop!!!
ANSWER: Your last question on March 6 has turned a week later into a success story. Congratulations!
This crazy girl is likely to give it up eventually. She has noticed he’s taken. That is why she calls you a slut. She is jealous and is not mature enough to accept it. She needs someone to blame, so she calls you a name you do not deserve.
It is not crazy, really, just immature and foolish. It becomes a nasty, pathological pestilence if she doesn’t, on her own, get over it in time. In that event, you or your boyfriend may need to get help from other third parties, which at this point we need not discuss. Give her time to adjust and stop on her own, and while you do so, be sure to ignore her. Do not fuel the fire of her anger, vengeance, jealousy, or other meanness that motivates her.
Wizard
March 13, 2008
Question: Hi, I have met a guy a month ago and was with him one night. Ever since then, he has called me twice a day. He lives in Seattle and I live in Ohio. We have grown very attached and the other night he told me about a past relationship about 3 or 4 years ago. He said he got dumped (I think the custody battle was too much for her - she was super supportive) and he was going through a really rough time through a custody battle over his son at the time, and he said he wasn’t in a good mind space and he felt bad. Anyway, she broke it off with him and he got really mad and sought revenge by breaking into her house and stealing money and slashing all her tires on her vehicle. He went to jail and he ended up paying her back and apologized and she forgave him, but they were never friends again, which is understandable. After he tells me this story he says, "You probably don’t want me to come visit you now, huh?" I said, why did you tell me that about you. He said, " I was just being honest about my past." I said, I don’t know. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to tell me that and I just hope that you learned from that experience.
So, I told my best girlfriend and she says that it reveals a large RED flag and that I should not date him anymore. Plus, he doesn’t have a job at the moment. He just got off a tour and back in town. He doesn’t own a vehicle nor own his own computer. He has to go to his mom’s house to use it. He seems like a super sweet guy, and I have grown to like him quite a bit, but I do need some advice because it’s a bit confusing for me. I mean, I don’t even know if things will work out. He does live so far from me, and who knows? I can’t do a long distance more than 5 months anyway. It’s just to hard on me. What should I do??
ANSWER: The conviction and jail time for the crimes listed is a red flag. Some people who commit serious crimes overcome whatever caused them to go off the rails. They are good and honest people who live well and prosper later in life. You do not need to wonder about what category he fits into. He may or may not be the sweet guy he appears to be.
He has no car and no job, which suggests he remains a beleaguered soul, but that too can be put aside.
The central reason you should look elsewhere for a guy is the distance. He lives across the continent of the USA. He is too far away for a realistic romance. If he visits you and all goes well, you’ll only suffer because you won’t be able to repeat the experience as often as one should.
You met him only briefly. You did not fall in love and become awash in romantic glee, which might cause you to run off to Ohio, whatever his circumstance. At best, what you have is a momentary attraction and a glimmer of some hope, and sadness because his circumstance may dash your hope.
You should find a guy who lives within reach for a relationship to develop like it should. A glimmer of hope can then grow into a happy and productive dating relationship.
Wizard
March 12, 2008
Question: I met this guy on the matrimonial site. Well, I found him nice initially, but before getting to know him he wanted me to say I was in love. I said I needed time for which he called up on Valentine s Day and abused me the whole night. After that he used to constantly shout at me. We were together one night and he said I could not satisfy him and all that. He loves me, but his behaviour is difficult. My parents don’t like my relationship with him because he is less educated than me (I am a Masters Degree holder). Well, I am lonely, 30 years. High time to get married. All my friends and relatives are married. I have been with this guy for 1 year now. I feel scared to dump him because I don’t know whom to get married to. I get scared of marrying a person unknown. This guy is very nice with me in the good times and has shelled out a lot of money. He gets presents when I tell him not to. He told me he was just frustrated we are not getting married. That’s why he’s like this. He takes good care of me when I am with him. But if we fight, he says all the mean things in the world to me. As of now he keeps on telling me the relationship is over when we fight. Then he’ll call the next day and say sorry. I am confused. Should I marry him or dump him?
ANSWER: He’s anxious to get married and it appears so are you. However, a desire to be married is not a good reason to get married. The question remains, do you love him?
A guy who takes good care of you and buys you presents, but in frustration tells you the relationship is over, says you can’t satisfy him, and says all the mean things in the world to you, is not your best prospect, even if he apologizes the next day.
Some forego love if other things are in place, like a nice guy with money. Marriages of that kind usually do not work out as well as one expects. Look for a loving relationship where sparks are lit and light the sky. Look for romance.
If you don’t feel it, you don’t have it. One year is a long time to be dating a guy, but it is not a long time to think about marriage if you aren’t sure. If you think you will love this guy, give it time to see if you fall in love. Otherwise, find a guy you can get excited about.
DO NOT step into a marriage with someone you don’t love. As a single woman you can pick your battles and win them. If you have confidence and personality, you will enjoy a rewarding future in romance, business, family, and friendship. If you marry the wrong guy, each day will grind away at your mind and spirit. You can lose your capacity to enjoy life, to work, and to create. You will think about what could have been and now can’t be. You can become clinically depressed, so despondent you cannot lift a finger to help yourself.
Be confident you will know you are in love, if it occurs. If you wonder about it, it hasn’t happened. Listen to your gut feelings. Be patient. If your boyfriend can’t be patient, do not let him push you into marriage.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 years off and on. We have a 5 year-old daughter. He has pushed me around, thrown books at me, etc., but mostly he is verbally abusive. If I tell him I want out of the relationship, he threatens to take custody of our daughter. I have been through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband did the same thing to me with our 2 kids. I feel at my wits end with these controlling men, and I just can’t stand the thought of going through this fighting over the kid again. I have agreed to joint custody but he won’t budge. He is using the child to get to me and I hate him for it. Do you agree that this is mental abuse and do you have any advice to give?
ANSWER: No court is likely to order that your boyfriend gets sole custody of a five year-old daughter you raised as her mother. Start with that fundamental understanding of your rights (and the rights of your daughter).
Pushing you around and throwing books at you, etc., is physical abuse. Mental abuse is less clear and can be hard to prove. Physical abuse is real and everyone knows what it is, whether they admit it or not, and that includes your boyfriend.
He is wrong to use custody of your daughter as a tool to get to you. That, if anyone can judge what mental abuse might be, is mental abuse. Your best defense is the advice in the first paragraph and you can take that to any qualified attorney to find out for sure.
You are not married. His rights extend only so far as the status of father will benefit him. With those rights come duties.
As father he can expect a court to grant him rights about visiting with his daughter. He should be involved with his daughter, taking her places, helping her learn, loving her, and participating with her in social events. He does not have rights to live with her, to live with you, and especially to abuse you and threaten to take custody of her.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: Maybe some people might think that we're just having a fight, but I know we'll never be friends. And it’s not that my feelings were hurt, they were shattered. I know I won’t ever forgive her, but I really want everything to be back to normal. I just want her to be gone because she keeps hurting me and ruining my life. I mean, she’s been starting to talk to some of MY friends, and I don’t want her to steal them. I mean, I KNOW they would never think about leaving me for her because: 1. They don’t think of this as a fight. They think it’s not a big deal. They probably think that we're going to be friends again soon. 2. My friends constantly but subtly let me know that I’m special to them. And I know that they wouldn’t want to lose me. But my friends are the most important thing in my life, so I can’t lose them, especially since I’ve been betrayed many times by my friends, especially right now. But today I have this one friend on the bus that I talk to and she sits across from me. But CHRYSTAL (my ex-girlfriend) sits behind her. So usually they don’t talk, but yesterday I was kind of annoyed with my friend, so I didn’t really talk to her. I thought it was no big deal. So then 2 minutes later she starts talking to Chrystal, and before I know it they're having conversations right in front of me the whole bus ride!!! Now they're friends!!! She’s seriously ripping me apart!!! How can I save myself??? I don’t want her to think I’m falling apart because of her, even though I am. I just can’t believe she did this, but she did, and as much as it pains me to say, I really miss her. But that’s something I would NEVER tell anyone. I really want this to be over, because I have to see her in almost all my classes, and I don’t know what I’m going to do now!!!
ANSWER: Your friends are good friends because they think you will get over it, eventually. You can’t expect to control your friends so
much. You are unfair to yourself to allow yourself to be ripped apart when your friends talk to a former friend. They do not intentionally cause you harm; you rip yourself apart.
If you need to forgive to get over it, then forgive. Have you learned about forgiveness? If you can’t forgive friends, you must learn how to do it, and make a practice of it. The ability to forgive will serve you many times over in life and make you a better person.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: I seem to fall in love with more than one guy at a time and I feel the same love for all. Now I have 3 boyfriends and don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: Everyone is different. We all look different, think different, like different things in varying degrees, and we all act different. Like our fingerprints, we share similarities even though we are different. We are all human and that means we all enjoy or suffer similar things.
You are in love with three guys and you aren’t sure whether to pick just one or date them all, is that right?
Most guys don’t like their girlfriends dating other guys. Girls who like to date as many guys as they feel they love, and sometimes it is a multiple number, don’t date them all because most will dump her when they find out how many guys she is dating.
The easiest answer for you is to pick one of them and date him, even if you feel you love other guys at the same time. It is likely that you will not love this guy as much before too long and then you can move on to the next one.
If the guys don’t mind, and if you can keep a secret from the guys that do mind, you can play that game for a while. The risk is that you will be found out and be disliked for it.
Think of it this way. You love three desserts, pie, apple cake, and Indian pudding. Do you order all three after dinner, or do you order one? You will order one because you don’t pig out. It is bad for you, makes you fat, and hurts to eat so much.
Date one guy. Don’t be piggish. It is bad for you, makes you look slutty (to some), and it hurts when guys find out.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: I do not see my boyfriend on weekends. On Monday, we go to Starbucks and have cappuccino, and later meet for a late lunch. This was the plan as of late Sunday night. Then, suddenly he said he had to give someone a ride who could have taken a cab or had his wife pick him up. He completely discarded me. It did not cross his mind to tell the person, "I have plans." But, rather found me so dispensable, he just called and said he had new plans. When I talked to him today about it, and expressed that I felt not worthy for him to tell this person needing the ride that he had other plans, he said, "you're being unreasonable." I could not speak.
ANSWER: The problem might be more about communication than giving you the attention for which you are worthy – and maybe not.
Why do you not see your boyfriend on weekends? Isn’t that the time most people have off? One must presume, since you have not made it an issue, that one of you, or both, are too busy for good reasons.
How great was the need for a ride? Was it to the airport, or to the local pub for a pool match? What opportunities were available for a ride? Was his wife sick in hospital, or was she unwilling to waste money on gas? Who was the person needing a ride? Was he your boyfriend’s friend, an acquaintance he met the day before, or was she another girlfriend?
Before one can judge whether you were unreasonable, one must know the facts that your boyfriend weighed before he made his decision. From your question, one can infer that you and your boyfriend did not have that discussion, and hence the reason for the disagreement may be a simple neglect or failure to talk it through.
Wizard
March 10, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for 6 months. I am not in love with him - yet - but it's getting there. He has a lot of baggage and is going through a lot of changes in this life right now, so I try to give him his space. I used to call him and text on a daily basis, just to check in or say something witty, and I dealt with the fact that I only saw him a couple of times a month, because I knew he had a full plate. Recently, we got into an argument because he cancelled plans. It had already been 3 weeks since I had seen him and he called me needy. So, I stopped calling and texting, and he started blowing up my phone.
This past weekend we spent most of the weekend together and it was amazing. We had such a great time. Then I happened to go on my computer and his email was still logged in and I admit I took a gander, and I found out he cheated on me a little while back. Not only did he cheat on me, it sounded as if he was sort of having a relationship with this girl and it sounded like maybe she thought he was going to be moving in with her. When I questioned him about it, he, of course denied it. From the looks of the emails, it sounds as if this all ended a few months ago. It doesn't change that he lied to me. I talked to him about it and I told him if he wanted to date other people, that was fine. When we started dating, I didn't want a serious commitment and he basically told me he didn't want to date me if I was dating other people, but look what he did. I really like this guy and of course my heart wants to be with him. But I don't want to disrespect myself by being with someone who cheats and lies. I want to talk to him about it, but when I try to, he tries to flip it on me for snooping, which I'm not proud of, but I am also not ashamed of. I had a hunch and I was right. What should I do?
ANSWER: Two swallows doth not a summer make. That comes from Shakespeare, or was it Lord Coke? Actually, Lord Coke got it from Shakespeare. Any way, one weekend does not make a dating relationship.
You tried hard but he didn’t come through.
No, you should not bother with someone who cheats and lies. He got caught. And, besides, he has a temper.
Wizard
March 10, 2008
Question: Hello. I'm 30 years old. I got divorced and I have one kid. I didn't date anyone for about 1 1/2 years. I got married young and never had dating experience. I met this guy who was 26 at the time and was married for one year and didn't have any serious relationships for about a year. We both met, felt like we had a lot in common straight from the beginning. Both our parents called to wish us good luck on the date, etc., which was hilarious. He was a cop, so at first I didn't think he was my type because my step-dad was a cop and was always stressed out. But we had a good date and I figured I'd give him another chance. I don't think I was ready for anything serious, but he kept saying he can't date me unless it's exclusively, and then a week later he said when do you want to be my girlfriend, etc. I said ok, I can be your girlfriend.
We learned so much about each other in just one month. We had great chemistry. We had a great connection. He even told me he never felt so connected with anyone before. He always said he never had a girl treat him like this before. He had a great family that I only met once, but I really liked them. He had the same beliefs as me. We were both Christians, etc. But since I never dated before, I wasn't sure if he was the one. I was always curious to see how other guys would treat me. I think mainly because he would sometimes say maybe our personalities clash. If you want to be friends first, that's all right with me. I would understand because he once asked me if I would change anything about him, and I said, well, you seem to have too much testosterone, and you like motorcycles and I don't, etc., etc. I wasn't really sure if he was my type, but I knew I liked him.
I wouldn't stop thinking about him and wanting him to come over. I would get butterflies in my stomach, but I wasn't sure if I really liked him or if I just liked how he made me feel. When he came over he would just sit on the couch and not talk, and then he would say I just like being here with you, we don't have to do anything. But I would just sit there bored like, man, why isn't he talking? Then we would just make out. But he would take me out to lunch during the week and he would talk then, but mostly about his work. But I figured I'll give him one more chance.
Well, when we went out one day, we went to this restaurant and he kept acting all anxious like, man, where are my friends? We've been sitting here for 30 minutes at this huge table and I feel bad hogging up this table, and he wasn't paying attention to me at all. Then I had a blast with his friends and I guess he got mad that I was paying more attention to them and he stayed quiet the whole evening. Then later on he said I'll make it up to you next weekend. I'll show you the time of your life. Well, he was having a house party and I invited 2 of my girlfriends. Well, his whole goal was to get drunk. So he knew he wasn't going to see me after the party because he wouldn't be able to drive to my house, and I had to get home to my babysitter later that night. Well, he was drunk and said he recognized my friend and he told her, oh, I remember you. I was single at the time so I can't tell you what I was thinking, and then the whole night he kept asking, so, when are we going have a threesome with your friend. So I just joked around, saying you ask her, but then he asked like four more times, which just annoyed me. He then proceeded to ask her if she wanted to check out his vibrating chair while he was still in it, but then he later told me he only said that because he was drunk and lazy and didn't want to get up and he would've asked anyone that question if they were standing by him. So later we were playing a video game and I wanted to play with him, but he never would ask me if I wanted to play. It seemed to me he wasn't very good at talking to me. He would usually just say, are you mad at me, at random times, or are you having fun? And that's all he would say.
Of course I was all new to dating, etc., and I was too shy to bring up conversations too. I remember once I also showed him my picture album and he barely made any comments or asked questions. He just sat there while I was showing it to him. He also would sit on the couch after work and yawn and say I'm tired, and that's all he would say. So the day after the party, I guess I was testing him to see if he would talk, so I didn't say anything, but he didn't say anything either. Then later that night we were at his house and I guess I wanted to talk to him and he was like, man, you want a lot of attention, and I was like, no I don't, I just want 5 minutes. So he said, ok, I'll give you 5 minutes and he sat on the couch and of course yawned and said I'm tired. Then later I found out he was mad at me and that's why he acted like that. He was mad because he asked if he could drink a beer in front of my daughter and I said no. Well, anyways, the next day I said let’s be friends, and he said, why, and I told him everything he needed to improve on and the fact I didn't like how he was hitting on my friend.
Well, a couple days later, he called said he didn't like the letter I gave him (which said what I thought he needed to improve on in order to get me back) and I said I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, and to give me another chance. He said well, I don't think I can forget what you did and I just need time to think. I know I liked a lot of the qualities about him. I liked his family, who actually were a Christian family, loved kids, and would've made great grandparents for my daughter. I liked how he went to church on his own. I liked how he talked when he did talk, so seductive like. I liked how he was so energetic and young. I liked how he seemed real responsible and then I actually liked how he was a cop. I liked how he still had fun, invited me to parties, softball, etc. Of course I always just kind of stood there or sat there watching him and he never really talked to me like a best friend. I liked all those things, but because I accidentally insulted him and was begging him back, I know he got turned off, or at least maybe wasn't super into me in the first place and maybe that's why he wasn't talking that much. But he still liked me, and I think that's because he never had a girl treat him nice, and I'm at least happy I helped him to learn how a girl should treat him and help him to learn what he wants in a girl.
I'm glad I learned a lot too. What to do and what not to do, and what I want in a guy, but does it seem like I made the right decision? Or did I make a mistake and have to accept my losses? At least I learned from it, but we had such great chemistry and I don't think I'll ever find that ever again. It's been almost a year and I have never found it. This city I'm living in has hardly any good guys or at least my type of guys around my age. I can't get him off my mind and now I'm looking for someone like him or better. I wish I knew how to not have acted crazy, because I know he would've given me a second chance after insulting him. But if he liked me, he probably would've tried to work on those things and not tell me he thinks he'll have to walk on eggshells around me. Thanks for your help!!!
ANSWER: That guy gave you five minutes sitting next to you, yawned, and said he’s tired. Then, when he apologized, he said he was mad because you didn’t let him drink a beer in front of your daughter. That is boring (yawn) and inattentive to your needs (blah).
You gave him your best. If he thought it wasn’t good enough, that is his loss, not yours. Finding another guy as good or better appears difficult for you, but you made the right decision, and you will find another guy who is better.
You learned a lot, and there is much more to learn. Keep your spirits high. Be a good mother. And try to be patient in finding another guy. The wizard is confident you will succeed. (Try not to compromise too much. You can do better that the last guy.)
Wizard
March 10, 2008
Question: The plans are made, then something comes up, and I am the one that falls off the list. This is not right. I know he has to work, and attend to other things, but why make plans with me, then cancel ME, because these new things arose? It is not fair.
ANSWER: Tell him so. If he doesn’t agree, keep an open mind to hear him out. Try not to allow your disappointment to get in the way of good reason. However, once you’ve done that, if he doesn’t give good reason, that is a reason to dump.
The things he canceled you for are or were more important to him than you at the time. Was it his grandmother’s funeral? You’ll make your own decision on how reasonable was his choice.
Wizard
March 9, 2008
Question: Can you think of reasons why men that I have broken up with after a very serious relationship (long-lasting, almost married, etc.) refuse to talk to me? How can they go from intense love to absolutely nothing? I am not that way. I like to stay friends. If we shared so much, including being best friends and soul mates, how can they just throw me away? It boggles my mind. Maybe that is what they are after. Maybe it is guilt because they left me in dire straits. Maybe they feel it would rekindle something they are scared of. Maybe they just grew to hate me. Boggled!
ANSWER: Men seek a lover to dominate and control in varying degrees. Some are aggressive about it; some just let things fall where they might. But all men adjust their ego by the success they perceive they have had with a lover.
Past girlfriends and lovers cause men to feel the vulnerability of their ego. Past girlfriends and lovers know the male’s weaknesses and failings. They know too much.
The other reason is that some past girlfriends and lovers want too much. Men worry the past girlfriend or lover will continue to feel attracted to him and want more of him.
In these ways, men tend to feel threatened either by one who knows too much or wants too much. In either case, he wants to be free of that distraction. His ego is already vulnerable due to his own inadequacies. A girl who knows too much can wreck his plans with a wink. A girl who wants too much, on the other hand, can dash his amorous hopes with her wand of jealous magic. So he feels more secure when former girlfriends and lovers are absent. When he is not with a current girlfriend, he will still feel threatened and confused about his ego, and will still act the same way out of instinctual caution.
This answers the question at only one level. Many other reasons can explain a former male lover’s desire to remain aloof from his former girlfriend or lover, but they usually come from experiences or personality traits specific to the people involved.
Wizard
March 9, 2008
Question: I was dating this guy for about 3 months. There wasn’t a lot of talking, mostly just fooling around and he obviously wanted to have sex. I just wasn’t that into him. He gave me his class ring but he didn’t call for a week or two. I ran into an old friend from high school and we started talking, so I broke up with above guy and gave him his class ring back. I had known the guy from high school for about 4 years. He told me he loved me blah blah blah. I regrettably had sex with him, became pregnant, and he dumped me. I had an abortion 2 months ago because I was not ready to be a single parent. In the meantime, guy 1 who gave me his ring hung around with my best friend and they started fooling around. He knew I had gotten pregnant with guy #2 and that he dumped me. He called me at work and said he wants to be with me and not my friend. I told him I wanted to keep my baby. I didn’t tell him I had had an abortion. When I told him I would like to be with him but I wanted to keep my baby (not quite honest because I had an abortion), he told me goodbye and to have a good life. Should I call him back and tell him the truth or should I not settle for someone who couldn’t accept me AND my baby? Thanks for any advice on this drama.
ANSWER: Drama, indeed.
Call him back. You told him you wanted to keep a baby you didn’t have. If he somehow knew you didn’t have it, he would be justified in backing off because of the lie. If he didn’t know, he was justified in backing off because a young guy would normally think the addition of a child (not his) would commit him seriously in ways for which he is not ready.
My goodness, you must have thrown him for a loop. Any way, if you had his baby, he should commit very much so. Few guys, however, when young and just starting out in life, want to carry the burden of someone else’s child, even if only on a date.
Wizard
March 9, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for 2 weeks that I met through my sister. He fell in love, so he says, at first sight. I was married for 16 years and only legally separated for six months when I met him. He keeps pressuring me to have sex. The other day I finally gave in to him and he says, "No, that’s okay. I don’t think you’re ready and maybe we should spend some time apart." What kind of guy does this sound like to you? If he cares for me, why do we have to be apart if I’m not ready to have sex?
ANSWER: He is having second thoughts. One can only speculate why. Perhaps he’s lost his interest in you or maybe he is a chivalrous guy and wants to give you the space you need to feel comfortable.
Other possibilities exist. However, the two above are the most likely. If the first, he may have thought he fell in love at first sight but didn’t stay in love. That happens. If the second, he’s a keeper. Don’t let that kind of chivalry go away.
Whatever the reason, it does not sound malicious.
Wizard
March 8, 2008
Question: I’m dating a guy I love but everyone around me says he is not good for me because of his past. Lately I have been trying to dump him and whenever I get the chance I can’t do so. How can I dump him without hurting his feelings, because he is a very nice guy?
ANSWER: Nice guy or not, you might hurt his feelings. That is a normal reaction for any guy if he still likes you when you dump him.
You can’t let your life be guided by not wanting to hurt nice guys. Dumps are necessary for you to enjoy life and date the guys you like best. So, you must dump however hurt the guy might be. Be assured, most guys learn to adjust and go forth in life nonetheless, in the same way that girls learn to adjust and go forth in life nonetheless. It is part of learning about life.
Tell him truthfully that you don’t want to continue the dating relationship. Don’t tell him what you didn’t like about him. You can tell him that you don’t feel like you are in love, and that friendship is fine, but you both will be better off in the future if you aren’t dating. He should understand and respect your decision. If he doesn’t, he’s got some learning to do. Don’t let his inexperience, jealousy, lonely feelings, or selfishness affect your decision.
Oh, yes. If you still love him, and he loves you, why dump him? Don't dump him just because of what your freinds say.
Wizard
March 8, 2008
Question: Hey, remember me? I haven’t typed to you in a really long time, but I got a problem right now that’s kind of bugging me a lot. The only problem I have with a guy is that I can’t get one, so this is about my best friend, or ex-best friend.
Ok, so we always have these little fights, but it’s nothing. But then two weeks ago when I went over to the bus stop she just didn’t talk to me. So me, not liking to lose or say I’m sorry, just decided that this would blow over, and whatever she was mad about she would tell me later. So now it’s been two weeks and we still haven’t said a single word to each other.
I got to say it was really hard at first, because I was confused but I didn’t want to act weak, especially if I try to talk to her and she still ignores me. It was pretty hard because she would treat this like a fight, and sometimes she still does, when clearly our friendship is over, and its really annoying. (A fight is when you're still friends, but try to get the other person jealous so they'll want to end the fight and you win. When your friendship is OVER, it’s OVER. It’s like you don’t know the person, or she doesn’t exist. You’re not even supposed to act like you think about her.) But she was treating it like a fight. and the reason I KNOW it’s not a fight, but it’s over, is because a while ago, when we were actually having a fight, I was mad because even though we were supposed to be BFF's, she would always sit next to our other friend in the computer lab. And this would make me feel not wanted. So, she promised she would always try to sit next to me even if we were in a fight. So, the day this all started we happened to go into the computer lab, and she sat next to our other friend, as opposed to me. And that’s when I knew.
This whole thing really hurt me because my biggest fear is not being wanted, and feeling left out, especially since I’ve had some really bad friends before that have hurt me, and she knew all that, but she did this anyways. And you know what, a couple days before she started to ignore me and the whole thing happened, all I did was snap at her for something, and it wasn’t even a big thing. So I know it’s not my fault.
But something I realized is, she never was a good friend. I mean, she never called me, never really stood by my side, and I felt like she didn’t really know ME, and I didn’t know her, although we had been best friends for three years. She never really acted like the best friend I dreamed of and that’s probably what hurt the most.
I mean, for my birthday AND Christmas she gave me gifts from bath and body works this year. Those are gifts you give someone who's not a very close friend, and you don’t know what to give her. But a best friend, your supposed to know them, and give them something you know they'd like. That’s what I did for her. This year I knew she wanted makeup and I bought her a very nice makeup kit, but I never even saw her use it.
So I don’t know what my question is for you. I think it just comforts me that I could write it all down, but it would make me feel better if you could just give me any advice on how to cope with this, since she's in almost all my classes at school. But I definitely NEVER want to be friends with her again.
ANSWER: Your feelings have been hurt. You put it down best when you said, “She never really acted like the best friend I dreamed of and that’s probably what hurt me the most.”
Every one remembers dreaming at a young age what a best friend would be like and getting disappointed. Some people get lucky and find best friends, but most people don’t have the best friend they dream about – just best friends who are okay with all their foibles.
The decision about who your friends will be is yours and no one else’s. If she disappointed you, no need to be disappointed again.
However, if she was your best friend for three years, even if she wasn’t the kind of best friend you dream of, a good chance exists that the two of you will overcome this difficulty as a bump in the relationship. If you find smooth traveling in your future with her, congratulations for that, and if you don’t, an end to a friendship is sad, but you will overcome it.
Wizard
March 7, 2008
Question: I have been living with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. He has never had a job throughout our entire relationship, but said he would try to get one when he moved in with me. He has made NO attempts whatsoever and it has been 6 months! I am always trying to push him in the right direction, but he just doesn't care. We fight all the time, and when things blow up, he breaks some of my things, and threatens to have me beat up. It's like he goes from sweet to being a monster in a matter of minutes. I support EVERYTHING he does. He has used my car saying he was going to look for jobs, but instead went to his friend’s house and got drunk. It seems so easily said to just dump him , but every time I try, he gives me this huge sob story about things being hard for him and then he turns super sweet and I feel guilty for wanting to leave him. I'm in a crazy cycle with this man and I don't know what to do!!! Help!
ANSWER: Yes, it is easy to say “Dump Him!”
You fight all the time, and when things blow up he breaks things and threatens to beat you up. Do you HEAR THAT? THAT is NOT SWEET.
Whether he manages to turn “super sweet” or not, no man who breaks things in anger and threatens to beat you up is worth the spit you save for him.
Dump him, indeed, before he follows through on his threat. He’s getting too much from you and can hurt you if he feels threatened to lose what he’s got.
Be careful of this turd. You must take caution (like having friends or family know what you are doing) and get it done.
Wizard
March 7, 2008
Question: He's a very busy lecturer who is also working on his PhD. We don't see each other very often. I often don't hear from him during the week.
I'm lonely and I miss him. I cry a lot.
ANSWER: This is not a happy relationship – at this moment, anyway.
He is busy. If you have been dating for long, you should know whether his work is temporary. A guy in love will find time to spend with you. If his commitment to work is his only distraction, and not other women, then you will have to determine how important seeing him more often is for you.
If his work distraction is temporary, it may be a tolerable inconvenience. If it is permanent, it may be tolerable as a way of life if your time with him is valuable and he is devoted to you.
If you find your circumstance intolerable, end it.
Wizard
March 6, 2008
Question: I met this guy a few weeks back and we started dating. I ended up breaking up with him because someone told me that he had an abusive relationship with an ex. I confronted him about it and he insists that he would never hit a girl. The problem is he's seeing this new girl now, but he keeps telling me that he loves me and that he really wants to be with me, but he won’t break up with this girl until after prom. I personally think this is a bit harsh to make her think that they have any chance being together and then breaking her heart. Not only that, what if he changes his mind and decides that he would rather be with her? I really care about him and I don’t know if I could handle that.
ANSWER: He can’t be blamed for dating another girl after he got dumped.
Telling you that he would rather go out with you, but wants to wait until later to dump the girl he is with, is straight-forward, at least. He wants to date her through the prom and wants you to wait for him. Give him this, he’s gutsy.
You play second fiddle for a while, and he promises you’ll play first fiddle later. Well, if you let him get away with that, he’s got it all figured out.
If it bothers you, tell him to forget it. If you find this tolerable, then wait.
With so much ego and bravado, and getting away with it, he must be good-looking!
Wizard
March 6, 2008
Question: Thanks so much for your advice but I still feel almost guilty, especially since I never actually liked the guy since second grade. He REALLY likes me. I wanted to give him a chance. But he is too shy, too nervous, and like he just . . . I don’t, last time I broke up with him (not in second grade, I mean like last year) he got REALLY depressed. I had no idea he would EVER ask me out again – but he did and I guess I was so shocked that I said yes. I really regret this because it’s real for him. I wish he never asked me out. I never flirted or gave any sort of sign that I liked him, but we had been "buddies." I wish he would break up with me. I'm going to break his heart, and I really don't want to. ANY ADVICE FOR ME OUT THERE? (sniff, tear)
ANSWER: He can learn from you. If you break his heart, he will learn to wrestle with the emotion of loss after a dump. That is a natural feeling – it happens to every one, and every one must learn to wrestle with it.
Wizard
March 5, 2008
Question: Hi. I’m 21 and I’m engaged to my boyfriend four months now and dating for a year. The problem is we fight almost every week, mostly about stupid stuff. A lot of the times I cry when we fight and he says I’m unstable. Another issue is I feel like he doesn’t trust me. He gets angry if I go somewhere and he’s not informed 24/7. When we argue, he dominates and I feel he always has the last word. I feel suffocated but I do love him and although we have these problems I can’t bear the thought of us not being together and I don’t want to have to start looking for Mr. Right all over again. Help me. Please!
ANSWER: There is nothing worse than hooking up with a guy you think you love and find out he is not Mr. Right but instead your worst nightmare. This happens more often than any of us want to admit. Taking all that you said as true, this is not a loving relationship! You want to be in love – but this is not it! To ensure you get the message, the wizard will be verbose saying the same thing several times with minor twists.
You dated for one year and you have been engaged for four months. This is too quick a commitment (for life!) at your young age if you fight a lot, he doesn’t trust you, he gets angry if you don’t tell him wherever you go 24/7, he dominates and always gets the last word, you feel suffocated, and he thinks you are unstable because you cry when you fight.
If you can’t bear the thought of not being together, you are chasing a dream, which is normal and okay, but it’s a dangerous occupation if you do not see the caution signs. Many of them are flashing for you in bright, luminous yellow. See them repeated for you in the previous paragraph (using your own words!).
These problems, if you get married, can become malicious haunts that can plague your existence and if you have children can cause them irreparable harm and make them miserable.
This is important for you. Step back and take a realistic look at your situation. You are young enough to take time to ensure that you enjoy a happy and worthwhile future.
Open your eyes. You are teetering on the edge and falling into a life-long commitment that might be a Hellish boil. Be assured the problems you list in your question will not go away when you get married. The odds are favorable they will worsen.
Marriage will not change him and it will not change you. Now you are able to save yourself and be cautious. Get married and he’s got you with ball and chain, and it might not be pretty.
Cool the relationship. The wizard recommends you terminate the engagement. If you must continue the relationship, do so, but do not get engaged for marriage unless and until the problems you describe go away – for good. If they don’t go away – for good – look for Mr. Right somewhere else.
Wizard
March 5, 2008
Question: I know this guy who thinks his good profession is big enough recommendation for any female. What should I do ?
ANSWER: A profession is evidence of intelligence. When you get to know him better, you might find he’s a bumbling, lazy fool who got lucky. If he is smart and ambitious, we all know that what makes a good person is much more than that.
Do you date a guy because he has wealth? Because he is good looking? Because he is tall? Because he is famous? Because he smiles a lot and tells a good joke? Because he has lots of mates? Because he owns happy pets? Because he lives in a nice home? Because he is known to be a great lover? Because he smells good? Because he is clever and successful at work? Because he writes beautiful poems? Because he remembers you and buys you flowers? Because he is gentle and kind? Because he knows big words? Because he flirts with you? Because he is muscle-bound? Because he looks at you with those big blue eyes? Or what?
The chemistry is different for everyone. Some things are good and some not so good. Follow your natural likings and inclinations. Whatever the guy thinks, and whatever your friends think, matters not. What you think and feel, matters.
Wizard
March 4, 2008
Question: I just got married a few months ago to the man I have dated for 5 years. However, in the time we have been married I have faced some fairly extreme life changes. I no longer want the things I once thought I did and his adamant belief that I should not change has made me look at him differently. I feel that he is holding me back from what I want in life. I feel that if I pursue my dreams, I will be cheating him out of his. I don’t want to hurt him. Actually the exact opposite, I want him to be happy and I don’t think I can do that for him. The Catch is, he is somewhat of a fanatic and has consistently told me that divorce is not an option. I almost wish I could make him want to leave, but I don’t think that would be healthy either. I just am not sure what to do. I care about him, but I don’t think we are as compatible now as we once thought we were.
ANSWER: Some people after they marry feel they have reached a plateau of complacence and expect only smooth sailing ahead. Unfortunately, as human beings some of us still need to change, which at times requires us to re-think our goals and aspirations. Rarely, but you are an example, a spouse within days, weeks, or months of marriage, will feel constrained and in need of a change in direction. The other spouse will not understand, will take it to heart, and resist. There goes the smooth sailing.
His resistance is normal. His aversion to divorce is normal. Your desire to change is normal, though unusually close to the date of marriage.
To save the marriage, both of you will need to commit to working this out and will need to talk it through at length. He will need to understand the mechanics underlying your need to change and you will need to understand his needs and how they can be met while making your change. This may require a counselor well-versed in helping people sort through these problems.
If you can’t get to the nub of this problem and solve it, your marriage may be already near an end. You are right not to try to make him want you to leave. That kind of strategy backfires in major ways and forecloses hope of resolving problems. It only adds to the already existing problems. He must find a way to allow you to make your change (which is best accomplished by understanding it), and you must find a way to make your change without ruining his hopes and dreams (which is best accomplished by finding creative ways to accommodate him), all in the interest of preserving your love for each other.
Wizard
March 4, 2008
Question: I have a child from a guy. He doesn't call to find anything about us. Should I dump him now?
ANSWER: If the child is his, you can stop dating him if he isn’t good for you in a romantic relationship, but as parents you both should be involved in the child’s life. If he doesn’t call, you should call, at least to get him involved with the child.
Wizard
March 4, 2008
Question: There is this guy who thinks he appears in my eyes more attractive after he has made me tired with non-physical troubles and misfortunes. What to do?
ANSWER: No vaccines exist in the dating world to ward off pests of this nature. The best remedy is Ignoreandavoid, an inexpensive medicine that works most of the time.
That is, ignore and avoid.
SIDE EFFECTS: During one month of usage of this remedy by thousands of test subjects around the world, over 80% exhibited symptoms normally associated with annoyance, boredom, and random bouts of anxiety.
DOSAGE REQUIREMENTS: A regimen of daily dosage taken over a minimum of one to a maximum of three months will cause the pest to lose interest and find another victim.
CAUTION: To prevent a re-appearance of the pest in a more virulent form, which will require administration of stronger medicine, do not stop taking the daily dosage before the expiration of the prescribed minimum period of one month, even if your symptoms disappear and the pest appears to be gone.
WARNING: Missing one day of dosage can cause a re-infection that will result in damage ranging from mild disruption of a peaceful day to a cataclysmic alteration of your life cycles.
Wizard
March 3, 2008
Question: On Saturday night, he asked me if I would go home for a few hours so he could get some studying done. About three hours later, I called and texted him and he didn’t answer the phone. I then went to his house and saw that he had company, girls that attend the same school as we do, and girls that I don’t like.
ANSWER: He’s in trouble.
Wizard
March 3, 2008
Question: I have been involved with a textbook psychopath for over 7 months. Although we do not work in the same department, we are still very connected at work. It started out innocently enough; me getting a divorce, confiding in him, text sex, me trying to end it, etc. He is very charming and attractive, but I did not do anything physical with him. He seems to get off on controlling me. I have to communicate with him at work and whenever I do he finds a way "back in." I am afraid he will use the sex messages against me or chip away at my reputation and all I have worked for. Oddly enough, I am still attracted and want to know why the communications have been cut in half (I know I am being victimized and manipulated and I know he can’t be "fixed"). I thought maybe he found someone else to prey on, but the thought makes me sick! I am somewhat of a control freak (not in a scary way) myself and am very powerful at work, but I do not want my image taken away and I can’t cut off communications totally because I think this might really make him mad. Every time I think he is done with me, he finds a way back to me and gets in my head. Even if it is short communications. What do I do? Please help!
ANSWER: You can’t stop communicating with him because your work requires you to do it. Keep the communications business-like. Be sure that every communication is business only, short, simple, and to the point. Do not vary from this, even if he writes with questions or small talk. Do not respond unless his message is for business and requires a business response.
He is likely to continue a while. However, he will lose interest if you don’t give him something he thinks is interesting. He looks for a peek in your interest (like a response saying “Leave me alone”), an ouch from a jibe (like a complaint about his latest taunt), or a hurt whimper (a sad look when he walks by). He wants a reaction. You’ll satisfy him if you aggressively fight back and if you act like a victim. Deny him his fun. Give him no reaction, not at any time and not of any kind.
Outside of business communications at work, avoid him like the plague. Nothing social. Nothing casual. Nothing at all.
This will give you some control. You should see results after he grows bored and weary.
Wizard
March 2, 2008
Question: First, I love your site! Thank you for having it.
What is the deal where a guy at first is SO attentive (calls, texts, e-mails), can easily REMEMBER things, even thinks up things the girl may like and puts forth great effort to execute it. I understand that it could all be and probably is to make a conquest. But, if the relationship continues, why does the guy's memory and energy lapse? The classic example: Initially, even shortly after the "conquest" the guy writes a very thought-out and heartfelt poem with words of everything the girl likes, and even throws in frequent words of love, caring, and missing her when they are apart. One can tell he spent a great deal of time and energy on this. Months later, there is no mention or display of love, caring or missing. He cannot remember things that have been said or done before. The girl can. I sense memory and thoughtfulness by convenience. It is not really that he does not have as good of a memory as a girl, he just does not find things that important anymore.
ANSWER: Whoa! Once again a great thank you note. The wizard is feeling lovey-dovey and warm all over. Your question is clearly written, insightful, and you are so right.
The excitement and thrill of conquest draws out of a guy a surprising creative energy. Poems and letters spring up from the depths of his mind. Even he can’t figure where the stuff comes from. His English teacher’s eyebrows rise beyond the furrows of his forehead when he chances upon one of the guy’s love poems.
Once the guy achieves conquest, he no longer needs to fuel his desire with strategies and poems and starlit serenades. Instead, he fuels his desire with love – or not.
[Beware of the guy who has had few conquests. He’ll mistake his thrill of conquest for love and deceive himself and his girl by thinking and believing he is in love, which prolongs the time during which he taps deep into that well-spring of creativity. The guy who has had many conquests avoids thinking he is in love, and intentionally schemes to convince his girl that he is in love. They all, however, are genuinely capable of falling in love, sometimes when they least expect it.]
An artist, by the way, taps into creative energy without a need to fuel the desire for conquest. Love often inspires the artist, but sometimes he or she is driven by another source of fuel – but usually not the desire for conquest.
If not in love, the guy conveniently positions the girl in his mind on a shelf where he goes for fun and recreation. He no longer feels a need to tap regularly into his little-known creative energy. He no longer stands at guard to meet his girl’s every need. She is a happy circumstance. She is a Dairy Queen sunday on a hot summer afternoon with a cherry on top.
If he is in love, he evolves into a more mature human being. He develops unique abilities to hone in on his girl’s needs and (to his pleasant surprise) he enjoys it. He parks his immature mind in the shelving space of his mind and cranks into high gear the magic that drives a man’s soul to the heights of heaven to unravel the most difficult mysteries of how to please his woman, mysteries he formerly had no knowledge they existed.
Beneath all the suds and lather of this answer is an important message for you. If he loves you, he will remember and execute efficiently and often. He will crown you with flowers and deliver gifts of the heart to lift your spirits. He will keep his guard at your side to meet your every wish (within reason, of course).
Methinks you have that all figured out.
Oh, yes, one more thing. Unfortunately, younger guys tend to get distracted and sometimes need to be reminded they are in love. Older guys get jaded and during longer moments lose the spell.
Both men and women grow tired and lonely looking for ideal love, and make compromises to find a tolerable lover and companion in life. They are happy, for the most part, and they will tell you that happiness occurs in degrees just like everything else. For them, love occurs in degrees.
The wizard writes the previous paragraph in sadness. Take this wisdom and shelve it in the front of your mind so you remember it always. Ideal love exists. The compromise is not in love; the compromise is in what you tolerate and accept about another human being because you are in love. Perfection does not exist; perfect (or ideal) love does exist. We love our lover for what he or she is, was, and will be, including faults and imperfections.
Wizard
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