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June 29, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for 8 years. We have a baby together who is now 1 year and 2 months. He also has a child from a previous relationship and the son is now 10 years. But every time his son comes to visit, he totally forgets that he has another child because his son stays in another city. It’s not as if he is spending time with his son. He goes on drinking sprees for a full week sometimes and does not even contact me or our daughter, and just comes back after his spree is over and says, “Sorry.” I have tried to break up with him several times but he will not accept it. What do I do?
ANSWER: Eight years into a relationship is a long time but not long enough with a child one year and two months old. You are far too deeply entrenched into this relationship to cut it off altogether. Drinking sprees forecast bigger problems in your future. The child, though, needs a dad and for that reason cutting him out altogether is not the best thing, unless he turns abusive, in which case you should be decisive and move.
Keeping him around as a father does not mean you must be romantically involved, live with him, and spend your free time with him. If you decide to live independently, to breathe some fresh air, and find some light at the horizon, well do it, and cheers to you for it. Just keep him as a dad, not a lover, and that can work. It might also help him get his act together.
How do you do it? You gather up your strength and determination and commit to it. You have good reason – it will improve your life and the life of your child. That is all the reason and all the motivation you need.
Wizard
June 27, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy I met at work. We've been together for a little over a month and I do love him. The hard part is he is still legally married, and isn’t sure when he will be divorced. To top things off, he has this adorable son, but I'm not sure how to act around him since whenever I'm around the boy clings for his dad’s attention. The boy’s mother doesn't like me. I'm 19 and the guy I'm with just turned 36. A lot of people seem to have problems with us while others are supportive. I'm not sure what to do. It feels right but I need help on dealing with all this drama. Work is hell since other
co-workers have crushes on him, so they dislike me now. I really do think that his son sees me as a threat or something since when I'm talking to him I'm usually interrupted by "daddy this and daddy that." I'm trying really hard, but the other day I read an email his ex sent to him saying "how dare you bring her around my son." The whole thing just seems really silly. I know what feels right but everything else seems to be falling apart.
ANSWER: The mother naturally resents your involvement. The boy is hers, and from her perspective she has just lost a husband and doesn’t want to lose her son too, and no less both to you!
In 10 to 15 years, if you stay with this guy, he will be a middle-aged lunk, the boy will be a teenager, and you will still be a beautiful young woman – they will be your ball and chain!
Welcome to real world entanglements! The mother’s anxieties and anger are real and not to be messed with. At your age, you should think deeply before dipping your toes into this hot soup. Monsters lurk there and they can suck you up.
Wizard
June 26, 2008
Question: I've been with this guy for just about a year. I like him still but I used to like him more. In the almost 12 months he's managed to pretty much change my feelings well enough to cheat anyway. He pokes j/k jokes on 24/7, say 's he loves me when drinking, then takes it back next day. Um, very double standard, whatever the reason he has a solution to it just as long as he’s not the one doing it. I mean, generally he's a nice caring person when he wants to be, but I don't know why only 65-70% wants to leave and the other doesn't. Oh, I almost forgot. How were my conversation skills? Ya, he said, I need to learn how to “”conversate . . . .”
ANSWER: Whatever the conversation skills, he appears to want you only when he’s drunk. When a guy takes it back when he’s sober, 100% of you must be wanting to leave.
Wizard
June 25, 2008
Question: It’s June 21st again. But wait!!! Be relieved because it’s not to ask questions, but to thank you! Your last reply was a slap of reality.
The question was . . . What am I getting out of this? I also had a critical conversation with "the guy." He told me he doesn't date because he hates conversations like that, but I told him that occasionally they are okay because explaining in the end could make things far less complicated. What I realized is this . . . I was going through some things I didn't consciously know. A divorce is never easy even if it's friendly (no, I don't talk about divorce things with "the guy"). It takes a lot of time after to know what you want from a man, your expectations, and what you're willing to take.
"The guy" is uncommital and why not? He's younger, fancy free, no girlfriend, not dating, into his work, tunnel-visioned, likes golf (haha), overly attractive, and is an all around great person. I am flattered that someone this attractive (the one everyone wants too haha) and fun enjoys talking to me. He says he's not going to place definitions on what we have. He enjoys talking to me, I'm fun and very hot, and he is attracted to me. He won't say when, where, and how we will get together because he doesn't think in the future, he thinks in the now. I asked him if it was about control (you know? him making the decisions about the progression), and he said NO, he just likes taking it easy and being uncomplicated. We do work together and are both overly ambitious and that is a barrier. He says he doesn't want to be a part of "office talk." I see his point. Plus, I am in a much higher position. But the truth is...every time we see each other or talk I get flooded and weak at the knees and I know he does too! I've never felt chemistry like this! And I can see it on his face and in his actions, so can my friends! We like each other, are very attracted, get along great, and he handles my impatient and controlling butt well!
I've made a mistake in over analyzing and wanting to rush things. I do need to be "easy breezy" and take things as they go. If this fizzles out then it was still worth the effort because I found something in him I liked and tried to experience. If I let him go (he says that would be my one-sided decision), then I will never know if I could have liked him more. The pain and anguish of not knowing what could have been is far greater! For now, or until I grow weary (I think I will know when that is), he IS worth the wait and taking the time to find out what this could be. I must be myself, work oriented, busy with my friends, modeling, relaxed, funny, and continue to keep my eyes open!
I really appreciate the therapy you have offered. If you ever thought you weren't making a difference, you do! I hope I don't have to write that he broke my heart someday because I want that kiss and I really like him, but if I do, you will listen, and it will be okay because "my guy" will be waiting! Wish me luck! Thanks!!!
ANSWER: Gratified to have helped you and pleased to see you understand your circumstances so well, the wizard wishes you good luck.
Wizard
June 24, 2008
Question: Is it possible for a guy to be too perfect?????????
ANSWER: Yes. Every guy has skeletons in his closet, blemishes on his skin, monsters hidden in his brain, and boulders chained to his ankles. When you don’t know of them, he is too perfect. When you date over time, they are revealed, and you know the true human being he is. All of us are imperfect. The defects become apparent over time.
So it is with marriage. After marriage, if you haven’t seen them yet, you will.
So, no, no guy is so perfect. Therefore, if your guy appears to be so perfect that nothing is wrong with him, that perfection is an illusion.
Wizard
June 18, 2008
Question: I've been dating this guy for about a month and 2 weeks. I'm 23, he's 28. I actually lost my v-card to him. We have had sex maybe 5 times now and he just brought to my attention that he wants me to have his baby. Should this worry me? He quickly said he knows I can't because of my career involvement and goals I have in my life. He just feels that I am the best candidate. I told him I understand him wanting that because he feels as if he's running out of time at his age, etc. He also said "I love you". I have never said that to anyone yet in my life and I have had the urge with him but I want to be a 100% sure. We are also on busy schedules that leave us only seeing each other late at night. He comes over to my place, we start a movie, and then have sex.
I'm just so confused. I know him but I don't know him and I keep telling him lets talk but damn it that is such a girl thing to say. He keeps telling me it takes him time to really "unload" to a person.
The baby thing is the big question though. I can't give that to him so should I end it? I'm not looking to have kids till I am at least 33.
Help!
ANSWER: You are right about not giving him a baby. That is not something one calculates (yes, so mathematically) with a date, and especially with one he has dated for a little over one month. If he feels he is running out of time, he does not understand the longevity of life and the biological facts. He has plenty of time. If he is someone who needs time to unload to someone, he sure unloaded to you!
With a guy who wants you to have his baby, should you be risking your body, mind, and future by having sex with him?
“Let’s talk” is an intelligent and completely appropriate response. Stop worrying about it being a “girl thing.”
If you really like him, ending the relationship altogether may be too strong a reaction. If he won’t talk (when you tell him again that you want to talk about it), and insists on the current practice of seeing each other only at night to have sex, ending it is not too strong a reaction.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years in October of 2007. He dumped me because he fell for another girl. I was devastated and it was a total shock for me because I was not expecting it. I didn´t have idea what had been going on for many months. He had been acting a little bit distant with me, but I thought it was because he was stressed by so much work. He was distant, but at the same time nice and kind.
I cried a lot and I thought I would never fall in love again. A week after the breakup, I met a wonderful guy and I started dating him.
He fell in love with me, but I couldn´t fall for him because I was still thinking and loving my ex.
Six months went by and my ex came back telling me he still loved me and wanted to be with me.
I felt very excited but I didn´t show emotion when I was around him.
I dumped the new boy I was dating for my ex boyfriend.
Now, I´m very confused. Should I get back with my ex or is this a mistake?
ANSWER: Do you no longer feel the love for your ex boyfriend? Or do you feel now that you love the new boy you were dating? Or do you feel you love them both? Or do you not know how you feel?
If you love both of them, stick with the decision you have made. You can’t play musical chairs with guys. It gets too complicated and they feel sat on.
If you are unsure about both of them, stop dating both of them.
If your instinct tells you that you love one of them, date the one you love.
Wizard
June 17, 2008
Question: I think I love this guy, but it’s just not the same as it was a month ago. He no longer replies to my texts and it feels like he wants me to end it. I don’t want to lose him because he means the world to me, but I don’t see any other thing that I can do.
ANSWER: Ask him whether he wants you to end it. You should get an honest answer. If he says no, see if you get the same lackadaisical response from him. It may be that he is not techno-happy, like he doesn’t like to reply to anyone’s texts. Or it may be that he wasn’t straight with you. If he says yes, take him at his word and find another guy.
Wizard
June 15, 2008
Question: I wrote on May 21. "Uugh I'm at a loss." So, after that passage I wrote him a text that basically said goodbye and have a nice summer. He claims he read over it but didn’t remember what it said. Yeah right. That day he blew up the phones at work and called my assistant and asked where I was. Not knowing, she forwarded the call to my BB. We talked for an hour and I kept it easy breezy. There have been calls and texts all throughout the last week, but nothing on the last 3 weekends and very little sexual stuff last week (not normal). This is all new for him. He usually calls on the weekends. I did text him Friday night until about 9. So here I sit wondering . . . what's he doing, does he have a girl over, is he out picking up women, etc. I can’t place a call. It'll break the "rules." He needs to chase me, etc. I feel so DESPERATE, like I'm losing him. This is a feeling I would only express to my friends and here.
He never sees the desperate side. It's dumb too because I do NOT chase men. My friends think it’s funny sometimes because they say I’ve met "my match." They tell me to chill out, that he's not going to call every day. Why not? He used to!!! We used to talk or text for 12 hours a day EVERY day!!!
Last Thursday (3 days ago) a friend of mine went to his office (his office is 10 miles from mine) and asked for his assistance. She said he was very, very professional and then she mentioned my name. She said he blushed, smiled from ear to ear, got up from his desk and started fidgeting. She said he talked about me for the next 15 minutes. She said he said, smiling, “Yep, I know her. I know, know her,” and caught himself. She is a very high exec and did not know him from Adam. He even asked her to call me from his office using a business excuse. When she tried my office line he said no call her on her BB. She doesnt answer that phone. They were laughing and playing with me on the phone. Afterwards, she called me and of course said how attractive he was but also picked up on a nerdy side. That it is VERY obvious that he liked me! She said he "showed his butt" ha. She also said that if he was a player or trying to get rid of me he would have just said, "Oh yeah, I know her." and that would have been it. She said he wanted me to come down there so bad. But I did not have a business excuse to do so. He called me an hour later. We talked and it was fun and flirty.
My guy friends tell me to give him time, that he is younger (10yrs), and I am freshly divorced (4 months that he knows), that I am in control of making more money than him, a fancy car, my looks, house, side modeling (he looks like one), successful career, etc. He is a tunnel-visioned numbers guy, and a dominant male, and wants to be in charge of how this progresses. They say that I need to give him that one bit of control and relax about it. (Oddly enough, this is the type of man I long for. My X was passive and non-engaged, with no drive or ambition). They say no man would still be talking to me if he wasn’t interested. They also say there is no way he has a girlfriend acting the way he does with me.
He says he's a home body and doesn’t like crowds or go out. He says he's only had one girlfriend at 26. My girlfriends say I am projecting my insecurities from an unfaithful husband on to him, and that he probably is what he says he is.
I do have the patience of a tick and over analyze every move he makes. I know I do not want to rush things and let him be the "hunter," but I feel like the longer I wait the more emotions I have wrapped up into it. I also know I can’t forget about him either. I try to stay busy and it’s like going through the motions.
Sometimes he'll go 3 days and we won’t talk, then he’s hot an heavy for 4 days straight and sending me flirty pics. He used to only text, now he calls too. But he waited 2 months AFTER I said the just texting bothered me. I’ve been talking to him for almost a year and I was separated until 4 months ago, now divorced. When I asked him out before he said he'd let me know. He also expressed great concern about his job. He is trying to move up the ladder and is smart as heck. He also bought a house and has been there for 3 months. He said he'd let me know when to come over. He doesn’t want people to know his personal business or who he is dating. But HE made a connection to me in front of the Exec last week. People do talk.
So, gosh, what do I do? 1.) Easy Breezy? 2.) Forward. "Lets do this or I’m Done." I would really need advice on this one because of work and every time I see him I am right back where I started. 3.) Continue the game until our 2 week summer break or until my sex drive is completely tortured?
ANSWER: What happened to the “simple date” idea?
Easy breezy doesn’t work for you. “Let’s do this or I’m done” doesn’t work for you. Continue until our summer break or until my sex drive is completely tortured works for you. Yes, works for you, because you must be enjoying this to allow it to continue.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
Question: To dump or not to dump? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months but for the last year and two months I've been wanting to move on. He lives with me, so this is a very hard thing to accomplish. Whenever I mention breaking up he freaks out and says he'll kill himself. He has become very unattractive to me because of his attitude. He doesn't take care of himself like he should and I can't talk to him about anything important because he has no idea what the hell I'm talking about. He just can't keep up with me in the smarts department. I just can't see what we have in common anymore. What should I do? PLEASE HELP!!
ANSWER: The answer to the first question, whether to dump, is a simple “yes.” The second question, much more difficult, is how do you dump another who lives with you? You first need to establish that a break-up is necessary. You must not waiver or fret about it.
If you share a lease, it gets complicated with legal issues. If you jointly own a home, the legal issues get even worse. If you have let him into your apartment, and you pay the rent, it is as easy as telling him to leave with a boot in the rear-end (figuratively speaking, of course). If he pays the rent, then just leave.
Your question does not describe the details of your living arrangement, and you probably did not intend to ask legal questions. Whatever the details, and however complicated, the dump will be effective if you decide, without any hesitation, to take action and get it done. That is the critical most important first step. If done well, it will be the last step also.
Wizard
June 13, 2008
A glitch occurred in the programing. If you sent a question for the wizard's advice between June 4 and June 13, you received an error message and nothing arrived at the wizard's desk. Therefore, no questions arrived and no answers could be given by the wizard between these dates.
We apologize for any inconvenience. The problem is now fixed and your questions can now be processed successfully.
June 3, 2008
Question: Hello again ~ I've been with this guy, Harry, on and off for about 5 months now. His ex-wife is a witch, to put it nicely. She hates that we are together and tries to use their kids to keep us apart. Like saying that the kids aren't allowed to be around me, etc. This past weekend they were, and she knew about it, so I guess we're over that, but just trying to make my point. She then tells today that he can only see the kids when they are at her house. He has a right to get them every other weekend, and it says so in the divorce papers, and there is nothing she can do to change that without his consent, right? I am tired of hearing her wine and complain. She was fine with us being together until her and her boyfriend broke up and now I guess she doesn't want Harry to be with anyone either and is trying to make his life hell, by bitching all the time. He's trying to be civil about it for the kids sake, but it's getting a little extreme. How do we deal with her?
ANSWER: Agreements in writing, in the context of a divorce, are normally not changeable unless both parties agree to make the change or the court orders a change.
Yes, the best you can do is keep things civil for the sake of the kids, and hope that she gets over her problem. If it continues to get even more extreme, your guy might need to contact his attorney to seek judicial remedies.
Wizard
June 2, 2008
Question: My boyfriend is quite boring when we go out on a night out, just the two of us. But when he's out with his mates he acts like a real party boy. He loves me, we live together, and we're going to get married in a couple of years. But is it me?
ANSWER: Depending a little on what you mean by “party boy,” maybe he is on his best behavior when you are around, thinking you want the “boring” behavior. If you want more of the “party boy” around, tell him so. See if he changes his tune.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: Okay. my boyfriend and I have been going out for a couple months now and everything has been really good, but I’ve been noticing my best friend and him getting really close. He never stops talking about her, and always is wondering what she is doing and all. People I don’t speak to often/ever have been coming up to me in the hallway and asking what my best friend was doing "snuggling" with my boyfriend. Then I was at a party and she was upset and he left me to go comfort her, which is nice but they were a little too close when I found them. I’m not sure what to do, or if this is even a matter I should worry about.
ANSWER: Smells fishy. Tell your boyfriend that you don’t want to share him with your best friend. Tell him if he wants to date her and not you, then he should tell you now rather than make you wait and wonder. The only fair way to handle this is with an up-front disclosure of who feels what for whom.
No need to confront your friend. The burden should belong to your boyfriend.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: There comes a time in everybody's life when they find the one that they think they are supposed to be with. They hope that that person will always be there for them, but in the end they realize that they won’t, that it was all an act, some torturous game designed to play with the emotions of one they claim to love. How can something go from being perfect to a complete disaster in less than 15 minutes? What makes it change? And when it does, how do you recover?
People tell you that you’re perfect and that they don’t understand what went wrong either, that you’re better off, that anyone would be lucky to have you, and on the outside you smile and agree but on the inside you’re screaming, you’re broken, and you know you will never be the same.
You try to move on, and promise yourself that time heals all, but is that really true? Does time heal all?
If it does, why is it so hard to let someone else in? If you know its over and you have other options, what keeps you from taking them, what makes you hold back? Is it ever possible to get your heart back once you have given it away?
ANSWER: Emotion interferes with rationality. When emotion takes over, rationality ducks and hides. When emotion goes away, rationality returns. That is why time is said to heal. Emotion is short-lived. The pain emotion can cause might last longer, but the emotion of the moment will disappear. Over time, after the emotion has gone, your rationality provides a clearer, more sensible perspective on what happened and what you can do about it. This is why one should not act out of emotion, such as anger, hurt feelings, or joy. One tends to act inappropriately to the situation in such moments. Time allows clear perception of events and options, reflection, analysis, and calm deliberation.
Fear is another emotion, and it lasts longer than most. The greater one’s pain, the longer one’s fear will last, and the fear might cause you to decide to forego options that arise later. This is an explanation for holding back, not letting someone else in. You fear the same result, another rejection, another giving of the heart to no avail.
It will be you, not time, that heals. It will be you, not time, that causes you to get your heart back.
When you give your heart away, you commit yourself to a relationship with another person you love, and you devote your soul to making it work, and your hopes and aspirations include that other person. The longer the relationship continues with your commitment in love for that person, the greater will be your disappointment and devastation when you learn from the other person that he does not love you with the same commitment.
You will gain perspective from the experience, as hurtful as it was, by knowing the risk of a new relationship. At first that risk will cause fear because you will hesitate, knowing the risk, that going into a new relationship only to suffer the same loss and pain is ridiculous. This is a form of despair. Combined with the longing for love that all of us feel, the despair can become so onerous as to make life almost impossible.
You must draw from within yourself the rationality that you possess and that has been hiding while your fear has persisted. If the other person is unable to love, or acts and speaks like he is in love with you but then appears to change his mind, he is not the one for you. Rationally, you are better off without him, and be grateful he changed his mind before you got married and had children.
Rationally, you know that you will not find the right person by withdrawing and taking no risk.
Rationally, you know that if you don’t feel in love, you will tell the other person, and you expect the same of him.
Rationally, if he is slow to confess his lack of love for you, or schemes to pretend to be in love, you want to find out eventually, even if it is late in the relationship.
Rationally, you know that it is only fear that holds you back.
Rationally, you know that he was not the right one – because he didn’t love you – and therefore losing him was no loss at all.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: The guy I'm dating is attentive, trustworthy, kind, and claims to be completely in love with me. I would give anything to feel the same way and not have to go through with this. We have been dating for a year now, and my feelings for him are becoming more and more platonic. He's definitely the sensitive one in the relationship and I want to let him down as gently as possible. He's never done anything wrong -- I just know it would be wrong to let this go any farther knowing that I don't see any future for us. I don't have any experience breaking it off with someone so perfect. Can you give me advice on what to say to him?
ANSWER: One of the most perplexing conundrums in life is figuring out how to break up with someone who has done no wrong, is great in all respects, but you just don’t love him. There is no rational reason he will understand, though your reason is as rational as any reason can get: You do not feel the romance. Why? Who knows? Not even you.
You must tell him. The way to do it is to say, in a nice and as pleasant way as possible, that you don’t feel romantically engaged with him. Tell him how nice he is, that you don’t have a quibble to complain about with him, but your feelings “inside” simply do not add up to romantic love.
It is always difficult to do this, but the pain you feel is greater than the pain he will feel. He will do fine and will move on. You will worry and feel like pushing a carrot through a pin-hole, but once it is over you will feel so much better.
You are honest with him and you are saving him a huge loss of time. He will respect this and feel thankful after he has thought about it.
If you are looking for something more complicated in this advice, you don’t need it. The task you must do, as difficult as it feels, is as simple as this advice. Tell him, nicely, in a few words, and that will work. If you get into a long discourse with him, you unnecessarily prolong your own anguish.
Wizard
June 1, 2008
Question: Wizard, I met this guy online in December. It started so sweet. I was so happy because I had gotten out of a terrible long distance relationship with a guy who did not even like kissing and was a slug . . . another story.
So this guy was wonderful on our first date, but he was already saying I love you. We should not have had sex on the first date and we did.
Enter the dog.
I learn that his dog is his “other girlfriend.” Aside from that, he is subtly hinting he needs a place to live and he keeps hinting for me to let him live with me, and of course the dog with him, once his lease is up.
Yet, he is still scoping online. And in all the months we were together, he never had me sleep over. He indulged in my kindness, which was me always bringing him food. Our relationship turned into a co-dependent one of sorts, not alcohol, but I was supplying him with his meals. He portrayed himself online as this saavvy dude, but he really was a penny pincher. His “I love you’s,” which were only during sex, stopped. He did not love me.
He was great at accepting my dish washing and food shopping. He let his dog jump all over me and hurt me. He never took me seriously. He would put his arm around me and caress his dog’s behind like a lover for example.
He would insult me, and never want to talk, and if I tried he would say, “Watch the movie.”
He hurt my feelings all the time. I finally ended it. Sure enough, he was back online to the date site the next day. It was not pretty. He did not even try to work it out and he told me never to contact him again.
He would reject my love and advances and only want back massages until I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open, and at 2 a.m. I would have to go home on a Friday night, never inviting me to stay over. And the pattern stayed.
Then, he last week called me passive. I told him I stopped being forward because he started rejecting my contact and it was always what he wanted. I am so broken.
ANSWER: Which is worse, a slug or a guy and his dog who depend on you for food? The answer was the slug until you explained the guy’s dog is his second girlfriend.
The insults are over. The dog and her guy friend can go online and find someone else for next month’s food supply. Take a breath of fresh air and find someone else.
Wizard
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