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July 31, 2008
Question: I’ve been with this guy for 3 years now. He has a child with another girl, so he used to love the mother of his child. So when he visits his child, he doesn’t tell me. And he is the jealous type. He doesn’t spend time with me but with my uncle. I think I no longer love him.
ANSWER: Find a guy who will want you all the time – not only when he’s not busy with someone else.
Wizard
July 29, 2008
Question: Well, basically, I wrote in a few days ago about my ex on the 24th July 2008 and the advice you gave me was:
“ANSWER: Stop listening to the opinions of everyone else. Listen to your own opinions and feelings. You want to get back to him. Call him, or catch up with him somewhere, and tell him you made a mistake by avoiding him and that you want to get back together with him.
If he is married, he’ll tell you. If he is no longer interested, he’ll tell you in some way, whether directly or by avoidance.
If he’s moved on to another woman, you might be too late. If he hasn’t, this is your chance to get back – but without listening to all the chatter of his mates, your mates, or anyone else.”
Well you gave me advice that I should ring him and tell him I like him and tell him I made a mistake avoiding him, but I’m like a shy girl. I would want to do that and plus if I do that he’s going to go tell all his mates I rang and sent this and his mates will start chatting **** about me. So what shall I do now?
ANSWER: If you are too shy to call this guy, you’ll never call any guy, which will leave you quite helpless. Stop worrying about whether the guy you want to get back with will tell his friends. If you let yourself put what they think in a more important place than your feelings toward this guy, once again, you will be helpless.
Wizard
July 27, 2008
Question: I was with a guy for 2 months and everything was great. He says I’m everything he is looking for in a woman. But he didn’t feel the chemistry between us like I did. He went without calling me for a week to see if he gets the anxiety or butterflies when he calls me. We are considered broken up. But when I’m around him he is always affectionate to me. Should I never speak to him again? He says he doesn’t want to lose me in his life. So which is it? How can I make him feel the chemistry like in the beginning, all over again? And should I no longer contact him to make him think he lost me so he might want me again?
ANSWER: You need to move on to greener pastures. When he says he doesn’t feel the chemistry, he’s looking for chemistry somewhere else. If he changes his mind, he’ll let you know.
Do not waste your time groveling after him.
Wizard
July 27, 2008
Question: I recently wrote to you about a guy that was in my life for two months. He told me he wanted me to have his child. I wasn't sure if that was right so I asked you and your advice rang true. We split because of other things though. He deals with anxiety and had a bit of an episode at my work that embarrassed him and myself, a little. I ended it and moved on, but now I move back.
When certain embarrassing events took place, he was taking a pill for depression that was new to his body. A lousy doctor insisted he was simply depressed and prescribed it to him. He also was dealing with a problem with alcohol. The alcohol filled his anxiety void (you see why I ended it). I care too much about him and we are still friends. I am supporting him in getting through this.
I have had three other people in my life with anxiety, depression, and bipolar issues. I know exactly what is going on here. For almost 3 weeks now, he has given up alcohol and dropped the depression pill which left him at home with his family for four days straight to recover. He has taken my advice and is traveling, something he has been wanting to do. He has been seeing a therapist who seems to be really truly talking him through it all. He tells me there isn't a day that goes by that he thinks about what happened (the embarrassing event at my work that ended it all). He didn't care before. He says he cares so much more now and is regretful. He talks to me about all of it, what goes on in his life) and then some, and I have just confessed to him that I miss him and would not mind us being together at a later date (because true change takes more than 3 weeks). Is this ok?
He is actually taking the steps to get back to himself before the drama, and this sort of shocked me. I have told him I refuse to be what I was with him until more time has passed, but that I miss him and have dated a couple other guys since him. Yet, I can't help but care more about him.
Am I going about this right, or should I dump him, or the idea of us and just be friends? When I confessed to him that I miss him and can wait for him, I felt feelings of heartache and verge of tears, a tingling in my spine if you will. Are these feelings I should listen to or is it just a distraction?
ANSWER: You have a unique understanding of his problems and you greatly assist him in recovery. However, recovery is a slow process, and often what appears to be recovery is really an improvement in wrestling with the symptoms without getting at the source.. If you get more involved than friendship, you will find the relationship exasperating at times because of his condition. He might also be more insecure and subject to erratic behaviors than other boyfriends.
Your feelings of heartache and verge of tears, and the tingling in your spine, arise from the realization in your mind that you said something significant for him. Be aware that these sensations do not warrant your thinking that you are in love. If you fall in love, you will get similar sensations (but happier and healthier) arising from actions of the other person, not from things you say or think.
You are a caring soul and deserve great compliments. At the same time, you should be cautious about getting too involved with people you help. If you feel that you have fallen inescapably in love, then maybe you are in love, and love rules. Your question, however, does not suggest love. The wizard recommends caution, and that means keeping it a kind friendship for a longer time until your vision is clear and you can see the whole circumstance.
Wizard
July 26, 2008
Question: So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We get along great. We don't fight. We communicate well. We understand each other. I think we're perfect for each other and we love each other very much. The issue is that we're 26. I'm an attorney and he is still going to school and trying to make it in life. His dad died two years ago and it's very important to him to take care of his mom and steer his twin brother in the right direction. He has the world on his shoulders and isn't ready for marriage because he wants to be stable in life with all his other issues (i.e. family, school, and career), and wants them to be in place. It doesn't help that he's very proud and insists he has to have a career that pays enough to support me and possibly a family. He sees marriage as more responsibilities, unlike me who sees marriage as a partnership. Anyways, I love him and all but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married now or even 2-3 years from now. He doesn't want to make any promises to me. He wants me to wait for him because he's so uncertain about the future. I am in a place where I don't want to wait 2-3 years to find out whether this is going to lead to something further. I told him that I'm going to "keep my options open" and if I meet someone that wants the same things as me, then I'm going to date them because it can lead to what I want. I've met some nice guys but the more and more I talk to them, I realize how much I love my boyfriend and how I can't let him go. I told my boyfriend that I have to break it off and can't be his friend, but he begged me to still be a part of his life because I'm "his best friend" and he doesn't want to be without me. I gave in and we are still acting like we're in a committed relationship, but I can't be around him without wanting him, and don't want to be a girl that pressures him. I understand where he is coming from. Should I just let it go or hold on?
ANSWER: He is practical. If you love that quality in him, you can try to keep the relationship alive until he is ready. Keep in mind you might wait another three to six years. Worse than that, he might never be ready. He could suffer from a kind of myopia that prevents him from ever marrying you. And worse still, he might not love you and break up with you after all those years you supported his practical wisdom.
The myopia here is a near-sightedness of mind that cannot see the benefits of a loving and caring long-term or permanent relationship. He might remain focused on “keeping things in place” for himself and family, of which you are not a part. What the rest of the world perceives as a list of issues everyone addresses in the normal course of life, he will perceive as huge obstacles that will not allow him to move forward with you.
And yet he might not suffer from this – only you can know if you stay with him to find out.
Wizard
July 26, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, I currently started dating this guy. He is 28 and I am 19. That’s a 9 year difference. We get along great, have the same views, and communicate really well. I personally don’t care about age. To me it's just a number, but is nine years too big of a number to not to care about? I've dated guys my age and early 20's but theyr'e all the same. 24 year olds act 17 to me. My mature level is way beyond theirs and with this guy I finally feel leveled. He does have a one year old daughter. He's been separated from his ex girlfriend for a year and a half. I personally don’t mind him having a daughter because I love kids and he took responsibility for the situation, and I like that, but the ex girlfriend will always be in his life. She has a new boyfriend, but if me and this guy ever get into a serious relationship, should she matter to me? My past relationship was not a good one. I learned what I don’t want and know red flags to look for, but don’t ever want to go through it again. I have talked to guys since then but they seem just as insecure and immature as my Ex. So for me, actually Happy talking to a guy or even thinking of a relationship with somebody is big since my last one was so bad. I was scared to try again. So, Wizard, please give me your advice on my situation!! Thanks!
ANSWER: Nine years is not too big a number if you both were older. At your age, nine years is a big number because you have had so few years to gain experience. You have so much more to do, to see, and to experience, like sparks that melt your heart and cause your knees to go limp.
To him, you are a nice young thing he respects for your maturity. Yes, he probably is true when he says you are great and the best thing in his life, even if you are young. And, yes, you are true in saying your maturity level is higher and other guys have been insecure and immature.
To get to the point - your interest in him may be inspired by qualities that you can find in many other guys 23 to 35. What you are finding attractive in him exists in a lot of people – not just in him. You need to find the guy who knocks your socks off. Oh, and if you find that guy, or if this guy does this for you, the other girlfriend does not matter to you.
Date him for a while, if you like, but don’t let yourself get committed without a few more years to go by. When you are, say, four years older, and you see the size of the male population that attracts you increase many times over, you might see the merits of this advice. In the meantime, if he tires of you as he gets older, you will know this advice was correct. And by then you will find someone who loves you, not just respects you.
Your past boyfriend spoiled your zest for love. Hold it dear and give yourself a few more years to find it. You’ll find a guy who shares your maturity and who will give you the security of a love that spins you dizzy and lasts.
Wizard
July 26, 2008
Question: Thanks very much, Wizard. That was good advice. I think you’re right - but couldn’t quite recognize it until you said it. I’ve been making something very simple, complicated! Thanks.
From '20 July'
ANSWER: Your are most welcome.
Wizard
July 24, 2008
Question: Well, basically, there's this guy I checked last year in June. We were checking and liked each other so much, but then one of his mates started chatting to me about him. So I don’t know why, but I started not liking him. So then I started avoiding him and it got the point that I don’t want to be with him. My cousin knew his mate and his mate would ask my cousin, why doesn't she talk to him? Doesn't she like him? And she would ask me and I wouldn’t give an answer. So they left it. I basically broke his feelings when he used to like me so much, but then I never used to like him.
But then he got over me and I started liking him after a few months. It’s been nearly a year now and I still really like him. His best mate, the one my cousin knew, hates me. So obviously he probably hates me as well, and my sister also knew his other mate, but long things happened between them and they both hate each other now. But I still like my ex, and my cousin still talks to his mate, and his mate says to my cousin that my ex has gone abroad to get married, and he told her not to tell anyone. She told me, though, and then it was true. He went abroad because I was ringing him and couldn’t get through, but then after a few weeks I rang him and he was back in England, because it was ringing and you could tell from the background. And then I told my mate to speak to him and ask if he is married, and he’s like, “Ehhh, no, who said that?” And then after a few days I saw his mate who's kind of okay with me and then we were talking, and then he is like, “Your ex is married. Now he’s coming back from abroad tomorrow.” But I knew he was lying because my ex was already back from abroad and he said he isn’t married and I don’t think he is. But what should I do? I really like him.
ANSWER: Stop listening to the opinions of everyone else. Listen to your own opinions and feelings. You want to get back to him. Call him, or catch up with him somewhere, and tell him you made a mistake by avoiding him and that you want to get back together with him.
If he is married, he’ll tell you. If he is no longer interested, he’ll tell you in some way, whether directly or by avoidance.
If he’s moved on to another woman, you might be too late. If he hasn’t, this is your chance to get back – but without listening to all the chatter of his mates, your mates, or anyone else.
Wizard
July 24, 2008
Question: Okay, there is this guy I’m going with, but it’s not working and there is another guy who I really like more. He likes me too. How do I dump my guy in the nicest way possible?
ANSWER: The nicest way is the clearest and most simple way. Tell him it was nice but you aren’t interested any more in a dating relationship with him. Tell him he will find a lot of other girls to date him, but you are not one of them, although you are glad to stay friends with him.
The direct method without any criticism is the best way to do it with no mess.
Wizard
July 23, 2008
Question: There is a guy at my job. I liked him, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I think he got a girlfriend because he didn’t call as much or on the weekends anymore. So, I started to get over it. Now he kind of gets on my nerves and still calls. He tries to embarrass me in front of work people. I think he is immature or a jerk or something and this is what gets on my nerves. For instance, he will ask me to stay in his office asking dumb work questions. Then, when someone shows up, he will say, "Oh, are you done bothering me?" and then laugh like he is joking, when he was the one telling me to stay the whole time.
I still think he is really cute, but know that he is not the type of guy I want. I have tried the obvious things like telling him I am dating or I don’t want to talk personally because we work together, and he still keeps calling, texting, flirting in public, and e-mailing. But he does all of this on his time; when it’s good for him, I am guessing when his girlie isn’t around. I have to see him at work and don’t want it to be weird between us and I really don’t want work people to know we talk personally, but the contact keeps me on edge when I am pretty sure he has a girlfriend and lies about it. When I try to keep it "professional" like short answers, he blows up my phone or gives me the cold shoulder.
I do not like conflict, but can’t be his friend because I still think he is cute. But I can’t wait for him to come around either. I want to date people and be open-minded. How do I get rid of him and save face at work???
ANSWER: His cuteness is of no matter if he embarrasses you at work. You say he is not the type of guy you want, so don’t date him – as you say, you have ended that – and even a friendship is difficult with a guy playing games.
As you say, you don’t want it to be weird between you because you have to see him at work.
You may have several important remedies at the workplace to defeat this behavior, but those are not the purpose of a site like this, and they are more serious in nature.
To some degree, you empower him to be like this with you. When he calls you in and talks to you like this, you play into his game too much because you don’t want it to get weird. Well, it is already weird. Put the kibosh on this right away by doing the following, if you can. When he calls you in next and starts talking to you, or when he calls you, emails you, or does anything else with you out of the hearing of other people, tell him in firm, clear, and strong language that he must stop this behavior.
Tell him: “Listen to me and listen to me good. I don’t like you calling me, emailing, and flirting with me. I have no interest in you whatsoever and you are making me sick. If you don’t stop I will report you to (his supervisor), and if that doesn’t work you will force me to quit work. If you haven’t got the message yet, I want nothing to do with you. I talk to you only because I have to at work. Let’s keep it business-like and leave it at that.”
Finally, if that doesn’t work – tell him the same thing in public, in front of other people who are there. You’ll win friends and respect. Stand up and be heard by everybody. You might be surprised how many others feel the same way about him and will be happily surprised to see you stand up for yourself.
Wizard
July 20, 2008
Question: I have been seeing my boyfriend for over two years. He says he wants us to have a future together, but we fight a lot, and misunderstand each other. He's trying to get a good career and feels he can’t, and is very frustrated about this and feels his life is doomed, although he is very intelligent and hard working. I have met his mother, but not the rest of his family. I have never been introduced to his friends. I trust him, but in all honesty, he could be doing anything in his spare time, when he isn’t working, although he calls me every day. He has duties towards his family, such as giving them lifts, buying their shopping and household tasks that often take precedence over his relationship with me. He doesn’t really want to sleep in the same room as me and in the total time we have spent together, he has only spent 2 nights with me at my house, saying that he is not entirely physically comfortable there, as he doesn’t have a double bed to sleep in. I have tried to end the relationship many times, but he has always come back to me and I have taken him back, because I have feelings for him. I have been unable to stop things completely. I am confused, tired and hurt by misunderstandings, yet miss him too. I don’t know what to do. What would you say?
ANSWER: Over the course of two years you fight a lot, misunderstand each other, and have spent the night at your house only two nights, and he is uncomfortable there because you don’t have a double bed to sleep in. The relationship has been on and off.
This does not speak well of your future together. You have feelings for him, but his feelings for you do not seem to be romantic, unless he has been romantic and you forgot to tell about it.
More likely, you have a friendship but no romance. Find someone who wants you for romance, not a friendship.
Wizard
July 19, 2008
Question: MY BOYFIEND IS PERFECT ON PAPER, TREATS MY KIDS(NOT HIS) WELL, LOVES HIS KIDS, WORKS HARD AT HIS JOB, SPENDS ALL HIS FREE TIME WITH ME, AND GETS ME WHATEVER I WANT.
HOWEVER, HE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE A BABY, AND I DO. HE IS 36 AND I AM 22. HE WANTS TO GO TO THE BARS, I DON’T. I WANT TO GO TO AMUSEMENT PARKS BUT HE DOESN’T. I WANT TO DO FUN, EXCITING THINGS LIKE TRIPS AND VACATIONS, AND HE JUST WANTS TO SAVE MONEY AND SPEND IT ON BEER.
HE HAS ME AND MY MOM ARGGUING ALL THE TIME. HE ALWAYS IS COMPLAINING. HE NEVER WANTS TO HAVE SEX. WE HAVE SEX ABOUT 3-4 TIMES A MONTH AND I HAVE TO POUT TO GET SOME. HE IS ALWAYS DOING SUSPICIOUS THINGS, LIKE WALKING OUT THE ROOM WHEN HIS PHONE RINGS AND NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.
BUT I CANT SEE THE TIME WHERE HE WOULD CHEAT. HE IS ALWAYS WITH ME.
HE WON’T MOVE IN WITH ME AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO GET A PLACE TOGETHER. HE SAID HE WILL MARRY ME BUT HE KEEPS MAKING MONEY EXCUSES.
ANSWER: He is almost entering middle age. You just left your teenage years. You were born a generation apart. Your experiences cast you into different attitudes about fun, sex, money, and probably life in general.
You will do better with someone more your age.
Wizard
July 19, 2008
Question: My, I do not know what you would call him, boyfriend? “Friend?” Anyway, he uses me at his convenience and when I make the priority list. This is all after many other things like his family, friends, golf, work, etc. When I am with him, he wants only charm, good looks, wit, fun, and sex. Any emotion or complication on my part, because I feel like an unpaid hooker, makes his time with me just baggage. He started the relationship which I could see was not healthy, and I told him it was not good, but he persisted. I am an unpaid hooker, right?
ANSWER: If your only purpose in his life is charm, good looks, wit, fun, and sex, you are a charming, good-looking, witty, fun, and sexy convenience. Many will pay for that kind of convenience when they don’t want the “baggage” of a relationship.
They are all good qualities – but they are not the ingredients of love.
Life offers so much more.
Wizard
July 19, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 11 months. When I first met him, I told him that I did not enjoy the partying lifestyle that some fraternity boys tend to pick up in their college years. He insisted that he had grown out of it, and I really believed him until a few months ago.
He is constantly going to parties every other night or week and he does not demonstrate the ability to control his alcohol consumption. When I am there with him, I end up babysitting him.
The last party I attended with him, he blacked out. Normally that would make an entertaining story, but I was embarrassed the whole time because he would practically yell out what he was saying. Some of the topics included my breast, belly button piercings (in my case, lack of it), and threesomes (I'm bi, so he has weird fantasies :-/).
The point of this rambling leads to one question: Should I dump him because of his partying lifestyle? I'm not a fan of constantly worrying if he will get home in one piece, babysitting, and enduring embarrassing tangents in loud conversations. My life style is quiet and is very work oriented. I am always down for hanging out and having fun, but not that kind of fun. I just don't see how to get over this clash.
ANSWER: When people drink so much that they black out, this is a bad sign. He should recognize it as a bad sign and change his ways. Drinking as a social activity is okay for people who handle it in moderation at a legal age. Those who drink and lose control of their behavior are in need of help. If they are not yet sick, an education about the dangers of alcohol will do. If they already are addicted, they need professional help.
If his moment with you described in your question is a regular activity, he is at risk of ruining his life, and you will not want to be there. If it is not regular but re-occurring on special (or maybe not so special) occasions, he is a burden at those times and you do not want to be there. If this was an eye-opener for him and he does not want it to happen again, you might stick with him if he is serious about controlling his alcohol use. When use becomes abuse, it’s time for you to leave.
Wizard
July 16, 2008
Question: I've been with this guy for 9 years. We've had our ups and downs. Mostly, he had a 2 month affair like 3 years ago and I forgave him. We had 2 kids and I was pregnant with our third. A few months later, he was in a really bad car accident and almost died. He was in the hospital for like 18 months. After that it was home healthcare for 4 months and, yes, it was me taking care of him and all 3 kids.
After that we were getting back on our feet and then some idiot ran over his feet in the 2006 blizzard. So once again he was laid up for about 4 months, and guess who stood by him and did all the work. Me.
And after all of this, he decides to get drunk with a buddy and demand "the truth" from me. He said he knew for a fact that I cheated long before he had his affair, and then went to other categories such as he works 9 hours a day, he shouldn't have to come home and clean up after dinner, or help get the kids in and out of the bath. He should be able to just come home and relax, which I would understand if he was an ironworker or something, but he's a manager at a video game store. He sells fun all day long in a nice air-conditioned store.
I work my rear-end off all day chasing after kids, playing with the kids, being the referee, cleaning up after kids, making sure we all have clean clothes, and all of the mommy stuff.
Plus I had a job. He was the one who made me quit, but according to him it was nothing compared to what he does all day.
Anyway, after he woke up the next morning he did realize how much of an *** he was and he did apologize, but I still feel like an apology isn’t going to cut it this time, and it's hard to leave because of the kids who are 7, 5, and 3 years old, and very much all daddy's girls.
By the way, I have always been faithful to him. I never stooped to his level as far as cheating goes. I'm just not that type of person. I'd leave him first and then go mess with someone else before I cheated. Besides that, I really don't have time to create another life behind his back with all the crap I already have going on.
Help me before I waste any more of my youth with this so-called husband of mine.
ANSWER: From this distance, way up above the turmoil, we can see that your husband will always be his girls’ daddy, even if all he does is sales at a video store.
Marriage is difficult during the times when economics and health are at risk, and the “mommy stuff” is laborious work day-to-day. The stresses pile up and the emotions are frayed, both contributing to anger and finger-pointing.
You and your husband have been through the grist mill. Now it is time to re-examine the emotions that put you together and caused you to have three children. For the benefit of your beautiful children, you and your husband must find the peace that you once enjoyed. You must re-structure your lives a little. To do that, you must appreciate each other’s important needs and recognize that most of those needs are the same for both of you. When you re-structure you will arrange “time outs” from the ordinary stresses of every day panic.
This can be done. You may need some help to do it. The important thing is that you both must commit to doing it.
Wizard
July 16, 2008
Question: I really like this guy and I have no clue if he likes me. What should I do?
ANSWER: If he likes you, and if he is wise enough to know what to do when he likes a girl, he will ask you out. If he doesn’t know any better, he is too inexperienced to know what to do when he is with you, so don’t worry about it. If he is unsure about how you feel, and worries about things like that, you should find ways to be near him and act friendly toward him. When he is ready, he’ll figure it out.
Wizard
July 15, 2008
Question: I used to like this guy and he used to like me. Then we stopped talking, but I still liked him and thought he hated me. So I tried to move on and now I have a boyfriend and the guy who used like me just now told me that he never did stop liking me and that he loves me. I kind of still like him and I told him if things didn't work out between me and my boyfriend, then I would give him a second chance. Is that bad?
ANSWER: No, that is not bad. It is an excellent way to be fair to your boyfriend and to help the other guy avoid feeling jilted. It was also completely honest. Your solution is right on.
Wizard
July 15, 2008
Question: How do I break up with my boyfriend? OG, two days, I’m still going out with my other boyfriend.
ANSWER: Tell him you have met someone else. That usually works pretty well and it is the truth. It usually sends them away like a bad smell.
Wizard
July 13, 2008
Question: Does my crush like me? We flirt and stuff but sometimes I think that’s just how he is! What should I do?
ANSWER: Ask him to take you out, like to a movie, or a walk in the park in the afternoon, or lunch, or a school activity, or a sports event, or a concert, or any other public place you want to go to. If he says no, his flirting is foolish. If he says, yeah, that’d be nice, he’s seriously flirting.
Wizard
July 10, 2008
Question: My best friend is "in love" with me. I have told him numerous times that I don't have those same feelings for him. He keeps pushing me into a relationship that he knows I don't want but keeps insisting I give him a chance, thinking I could possibly fall for him. I gave him a chance but my feelings haven't changed. What do I do to make it clear I don't want this type of relationship and get him off my back without ending the friendship?
ANSWER: Cool off the friendship. Don’t talk to him and don’t fraternize with him. If you turn off the friendliness – making it no relationship of any kind – he’ll get the message that a dating relationship is impossible. Once he clearly understands that, you can revive the friendship. He may require the “revival” to be gradual, or he may accept you back as a good friend right away, or he may return to his old “romantic” advances. At that point you will know how much of the friendship can survive.
In any event, as difficult as may be for you, to end his hopes of romance, the best method is to cut off the friendship, for a while anyway, and risk losing it altogether.
Wizard
July 9, 2008
Question: WOW. I never thought I would have this problem. So after my ex and I split a couple of months ago I decided that I was done with dating and that I didn’t care any more.
Obviously, this is the secret. In the last 2 months I have had 6 guys tell me that they are interested!!!!!! I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this attention. It is really stressful. I don’t want to hurt any of them because they are all really sweet. I guess I’m just confused.
James I know from high school and is really sweet but might be too nice if that makes any sense.
Kyle currently lives 2000 miles away but is supposed to be moving into town. He is always there for me and is really sweet too but we don’t have much in common.
Stan is a guy I went to college with and tried to get me to date him before me, and my ex split knowing that we were together, so I’m guessing he thinks that’s okay, even though it’s not.
Scott is one of my ex's that currently has a girlfriend, but wants to hang out and asked if I ever think about what would have happened if we would have stayed together.
Larry is a great guy, the one I want. We have everything in common. He is absolutely adorable and lives close. The only problem is that we met online through Facebook. I wasn’t trying – it just happened. We have set up times to meet but for one reason or another it hasn’t worked out. He told me that he doesn’t consider himself single any more, and i don’t either, but can we really say that if we haven’t met face to face????
Sorry. I know this is a lot, but if you could help at all I would be grateful.
ANSWER: You have no attachment to any of them. They are all possibilities.
Larry is the one you want and he lives close. See him face-to-face. You’ll find out if he is the best one. If you really like him after meeting him for real, date him and enjoy yourself. The others, if they are still interested when you and Larry break up, will be glad to date you then. By then you’ll have a few more possibilities.
Wizard
July 8, 2008
Question: Hi, This actually happened a few months back . . . but I cant get over it.
I was going out with this one guy. His best friend is MY best friend’s boyfriend. Things were going good for a month, and then he just started blowing me off, and then I discovered he slept with my best friend. I was horrified and really upset. The thing is, I am not best friends with her any more, and I don’t speak to him any more. He doesn’t care though. He didn’t even bother to dump me correctly. But it hurts me so much because I am still infatuated with him, even after he slept with my best friend. She denied it, but I know it’s true. I miss him and everything he showed me but I know it’s not worth my time because he does not care and I probably will never see him again.
I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: If he doesn’t care, and your interest in him is an infatuation, you should find another guy and move on.
When you get interested in another guy, your mind will focus more on him and your relationship with him, and will naturally get over the old affair. To get there, though, you must be confident that what you said in your question is accurate. Specifically, you said twice that he doesn’t care and you said you are infatuated with him. If he doesn’t care, he is not worth it. If you are infatuated with him, you can get over it and become infatuated with someone else.
You have more things going for you. Your relationship lasted only one month, he cheated on you with your best friend, he blew you off, and he didn’t care when he dumped you.
Whew. That is enough. Move on with another guy.
Wizard
July 8, 2008
Question: I just met this guy on the web. He is of foreign descent. He is also so serious. Never met him. He wants to marry me. I love you, I love you, he says. Wants to meet me. He is in Ohio. I am in North Carolina. I am very down to earth. I know it does not happen this way. I am 47 and a widow. He says his wife died in a auto accident. He claims to be very religious. Talking about God all of the time helping him. God sent me to him and this type of thing. He says he is a mechanical engineer. He sent me pictures of him and his daughter and beautiful home. I am waiting for the ball to fall. Reality should hit soon. If it is too good to be true it usually is. He has called me on my cell phone anxious to talk to me. I am still asking him to get a cam man. I think this is a scam Sam. I am persistent in playing along to see where it will end. Advise me, please Wizard, please. Thanks bunches.
ANSWER: You are right to think this is a scam. He is either a predator, a leach, a lonely and weak soul, or bonkers.
Wizard
July 6, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, I currently met what I think to be the man of my life. I am currently 25, and just getting out of a divorce. I recently met him, and at the time, I was in no way, shape, or form, ready for a new relationship. But he pursued me, and we hit it off right away. He too recently got out of a serious long term relationship and claims that he's not ready for a serious commitment for two reasons: 1) he just got out of a serious relationship, and 2) he's in the military and will be serving for over a year. We did spend a wonderful, amazing evening together. Why would he pursue me if he wasn't interested in a relationship, and keep telling me he likes me a lot? Help! Thanks!
ANSWER: Whether he’s the man of your life or not, well, that is another question, but certainly you both hit it off well. He pursues you because he is interested. He doesn’t want to miss out on the opportunity of meeting the right girl for him. You might be worth his time and effort, so he’s got you in his sights.
Be aware, however, that he currently has no intention of getting into a long-term relationship. This means he is in it for fun – nothing else. If he stays interested in you, he might or might not be faithful to you. He might not stay interested.
He does not say you are the girl of his life. You like him, so enjoy his company, but don’t get caught hook, line, and sinker.
Wizard
July 4, 2008
Question: There was a guy flirting with me from a distance. He was very interesting until I walked physically closer to him at which point he stared at me and gave me a pleading look. I ignored him and continued on. Did I do the right thing by ignoring him? His staring and pleading look made me uncomfortable.
ANSWER: You did the right thing. If you do not feel comfortable with a guy, even if it is in the first five seconds, keep moving. Your gut feeling is the only thing you can rely on in the first few seconds. Trust it.
Wizard
July 2, 2008
Question: PS: I'm really into another guy. I've had a crush on him for years. But I didn't go out with him because I thought he didn't feel the same. But now I know I was wrong. I'm not sure if he still feels the same way after me being with my boyfriend for a year.
ANSWER: Be honest with your boyfriend. Get it done.
Go out with the guy you’ve had a crush on for years. Enjoy yourself. If it doesn’t work out, there are more great guys out there.
Wizard
July 2, 2008
Question: Dear Mr.Wizard, I've been with this guy for a year. He is love crazy for me and he would do anything to for me. But I don't feel like we're meant for each other. I love and care for him and all and we have future plans to move in with each other. He said he almost bought me an engagement ring but he didn't want the attention, so he bought me a regular one. We don't believe in marriage. He just wanted to buy one to show how he thought I was the one.
I've been feeling that we were aren't meant for each other for quite a while now. A few months ago I tried to let him know. I told him that I didn't really feel like we were meant for each other and that I was mostly still with him because he was like my best friend and all, which is true. He is like the person I like to be with the most. He started crying, and this guy didn't cry since he was 11 or something. So I told myself that if a guy really loves me this much, maybe I should really give him another chance.
It's been a couple months from that and I still didn't really change my feelings.
Please tell me how I can let him go without completely breaking his poor heart. I'm the only person he ever loved. I still want to be friends with him after. I know it's going to be awkward for a while. And I want something that isn't going to be sudden. I want something that will take time so it wont be a shock and we can get everything neutralized. In other words, I want my boyfriend to just be my friend. Is it too much to ask?
I just really need some guidance.
ANSWER: It may be too much to ask. Getting a former boyfriend to give up on romance and be friends is difficult, to say the least, and depends on things about him that the wizard cannot know.
You were honest with him when you told him. Do not change your honesty. Do not pretend to love him because he loves you. If you do, you will only prolong the pain of the break-up.
He needs to know your true feelings and adjust to them. It is wrong for you to pretend a feeling you do not have. He is probably looking for love, like most people, and will look for someone other than you when he learns that you are not the one for him. If he rejects you as a friend, try not to blame him. He might be unable to relate to you as a friend because he (for a long time) will hope you change your mind.
For him, the healthy thing he must do is find another girl to love so he can shake you off. You must release him so he can get that done. When he accomplishes that mission, he might be able to relate to you as a friend again.
Wizard
July 2, 2008
Question: My "boyfriend" does not, "says" he does not, know the meaning of a "conquest." I am his, but he does not think so, so could you please explain the process (the beginning, middle, and end game)? I am not sure, but I think others would like a concise explanation. Thank you, I know this may take some of your time, but it will be really appreciated.
ANSWER: The idea of a conquest is basic to war games. One of the ways to study conquest is to reconfigure what happens in war by analyzing strategies used in offense and defense during phases labeled as beginning, middle, and end. A lot is written on debuts and end-game strategies in chess, a game structured on the idea of war pieces moving in structured fashion over a checkered board with a purpose of capturing or defending a king. The middle game is written about less, but is not forgotten.
Dating can be analyzed in similar terms. Guys and girls will sometimes talk of conquest, success in getting the other half into bed. It is not much different and just as simplistic to talk about getting to second base, third base, or home plate.
Every relationship is truly different largely because people are different. We can speak about generalities. We can categorize events and general strategies, but every date, in terms of its success, depends greatly on many variables that game theory or war theory cannot explain or teach us.
For general purposes, the wizard categorizes dating like this. The beginning is marked by excitement, mystery, exploration, discovery, and testing. Perspective is shallow and caution is thrown to the wind. If it turns dull, or all that is to be known gets known real quick, or the terrain is flat, or the territory is made of mud and sludge, or the tests prove negative, the relationship fizzles quickly.
The middle is more complicated. It occurs in three phases. In the first phase the excitement, mystery, exploration, discovery, and testing continue, but with a shift in emphasis. The dating partners create patterns, establish boundaries, and exercise cautioun. The perspective probes deeper. At this time, hope rises in the minds of both dating partners to establish trust. If that occurs they move to phase two, when the shields of caution are let down again and the flood-gates of revelation are opened up. They tell of their past, their weaknesses, skeletons in their closet, scars, and fears. Phase two evolves into phase three when they accept each other’s flaws and love each other, believing in each other, and committing to each other. The third phase is companionship, communion, and commitment. It is fidelity and complete harmony – at least, so far as perspective lets them see.
Most dating relationships end in the beginning. The next most frequent moment of failure is in the first phase of the middle because they fail to establish trust. Most of those who make it to phase two will make it to phase three.
The end is what most couples dread. If a couple has reached the third phase of the middle, how tragic it is to end it. This is when people are crushed. The end is surprise, disappointment, blame, vengeance, and despair. This is when one of the two, or both, feel cheated, insecure, hopeless, lonely, misled, and worthless. The longer in time the relationship lasts, the more one senses a loss of time and energy – and opportunity to meet someone else.
This is a generalization of dating put into categorizes of beginning, middle, and end. It is not an explanation of the game of conquest, as you requested, because conquest is a simplification of dating that ignores all the important things like love, trust, and happiness. There is no happiness to conquest – no sharing of all that is good, only a lustful dominance of conqueror over the vanquished.
Wizard
July 1, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for a month and a half. Sometimes I like him and other times I don’t. He never touches me. I feel like we are just friends. I would rather hang out with my friends. Sometimes I don't like to hangout with him alone. My friends say I should dump him but I’m too scared. I am afraid to hurt his feelings and I feel once I dump him I will want him back. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: The good thing is . . . you do not have to dump him. You can, you might, but you don’t have to. He’s not bothering you, menacing you, or hurting you..
But that is not all there is to dating. If you have read advice from the wizard from days past, you will have heard of sparks. Yes, those things that light up and brighten your day, energize you, and spin your top.
A guy who never touches you, with whom you feel more like friends, and with whom you would not always want to be alone, is not much of a boyfriend. We don’t see sparks there and you don’t feel them. A lackluster boyfriend shouldn’t exist. These terms do not belong together. He should be exciting and fun. He should lift your spirits when he is with you, not deaden them.
As for hurting him, stop worrying. Everybody feels hurt at first and regroups. It’s all part of finding out about people, ourselves, and life. If he feels hurt, he’ll get a grip and move on.
Wizard
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