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July 29, 2007
Question: one of my good mates and i are no longer speaking because my boyfriend has been saying things behind my back and then doing the
same to her so we’re workin’ each other up. now he’s saying they are good mates and is always texting her. they tease each
other all the time and he always brings her up in conversations. It really hurts me and i’ve told him this over and over again but it just
doesn’t seem to stop. He tells me i’m just jealous which makes me feel bad. should i dump him? he’s now part of my whole social
circle and it would make things very awkward.
ANSWER: A boyfriend that says things behind his girlfriend’s back and causes trouble is a sad case. He should apologize, not accuse
you of jealousy.
You cannot stay in a dating relationship just because the boyfriend is in your social circle. Guys and girls date and dump all time, and all
within the same social circle. Your friends should stay your friends regardless of whether you date or dump another friend.
Revive your friendship with your mate and get yourself another guy to date. Your days will be much happier.
Wizard
July 29, 2007
Question: I have been with a really great guy or a little over a month. I have told you about him before and said that he was more into me
than I was him, but that has changed. We have been spending a lot of time together and have gotten really close. Ok. Now for the problem: The
last time we were together was about a week ago. We were sitting in the hot tub and he said that he had to ask me an uncomfortable question. I
braced myself and said ok. He said, "If we ever break up do you think that we would still be friends?" I told him that it would depend
on the terms of the breakup, but right now i saw no reason for us not to be. I asked him what made him ask that question and he said that he had
a lot of important things coming up (school) and he said that that needed to come first. I agree with him completely and I understand because I
have my own stuff coming up too. He told me that I was the best person that he knew and that he would not want to lose me. Then from there he
said that if we ever did break up that we would definitely get back together in the future.
I didn't realize how much I really loved this guy until after this conversation. I know that this was only a conversation, but the more I
thought about it the more upset I became. I had planned on talking to him about it the next day but he as been sick for the last week. So my
question is, do I just let it go or should I bring it up? If so, how? Also, was this his way of breaking up with me? Or preparing me for a
breakup? I’m really lost and would love your help! Thanx.
ANSWER: He has on his mind an event, goal, task, project . . . something that he thinks might take him away from you – not forever,
apparently, but far enough and maybe long enough so that you might have to break up.
He would not have brought it up while you were sitting in the hot tub unless it was heavily weighing on his mind.
He obviously likes you and regards you high enough on his list of important matters that he raised his concern with you. A lot of guys, if
they aren’t respectful and if they want to “get” from the relationship what they can before it ends, would not discuss it. He
deserves credit for that. Unfortunately, he cut it a little short. You should know more.
Express to him the worry the conversation caused you. He should be able and willing to discuss it further. Catch him at a time when he
can’t be distracted by something else and when he can’t have something else he needs to do. This will give you his attention and
time. (By the way, he intelligently did the same with you – caught you in the hot tub where you would not be distracted or run off to do
something else).
When you tell him your worry, listen carefully. If he continues to be respectful – even better, if he says he is sorry that he worried
you – tell him then that you want him to reassure you that he is not breaking up now and that he will give plenty of warning of anything
that might take him away from you.
This will guarantee his knowing how important the relationship is to you. It gives him an opportunity to re-affirm for you his interest and
commitment to you. From that point, if you get that far, your conversation will be less worrisome and more pragmatic in looking at how to solve
the problem.
Good luck!
Wizard
July 28, 2007
Question: I know this is dump a girl, but I need advice and can’t find it anywhere else.
(The wizard posted a note on www.dumpagirl.com to come here for the answer.)
I have just started dating this guy, like yesterday, and I said when we got it together that I did not want to wreck our friendship.
However, since saying yes, I would go out with him and I got this gut feeling that I gave the wrong answer. I’m not sure that I feel that
way about him. He’s not the sort of guy that asks someone out very often and I have not had a relationship before (I’m young). I
don’t feel like I have made my own place in the world yet, and find it is hard to fit in. I’m not ready for a relationship basically!
How do I tell him that I don’t think it will work out, I don’t really want to date him. Also in a few weeks, even though we have
finished school, I will be seeing him at a certificate presentation, maybe a few. HELP!
ANSWER: One can’t say it any better than you did right here. Say you are not sure you feel about him the way you should for dating.
Tell him you are not ready for a relationship and you don’t think it will work out. If he is a gentleman and respects your feelings, he
will bow out gracefully. If he insists on dating, be more firm. Tell him simply and directly you want not to date him. That should do it. If he
continues to persist, he is a pest and should be snuffed out of the relationship, but that is another piece of advice for another question from
you later. Hopefully he will be a good guy, like most are, and accept your feelings as fact and respect them.
Wizard
July 27, 2007
Question: I've known him for a while. We work in the same industry. We started seeing each other and he told me all about his past, etc.,
except for the woman he has been seeing off and on for 6years. Yes, I knew about her but he never mentioned it (mates of mine did). Later on, I
found out that he was living with her, then all of a sudden he was spending every night with me. Anyway, I brought it (her) up and we had the
whole honesty conversation and he promised to be honest with me.
Recently, when he received a text message on his phone, he said it was from Steve. He was sitting beside me. I looked and saw Fran had sent
the message. Yes, we had a fight about it because he wasn’t being honest. I told him to take a long walk as I can’t stand lying and
was already giving him a 2nd chance. A couple of days went by before I returned whatever he had left at my place. He was very sullen looking and
was nearly in tears, told me how much he loves me, and hopes we still may have a future. I unfortunately still have my guard up, unsure.
ANSWER: He seems contrite enough and you apparently like him. Give him a third chance. If the relationship succeeds through this, it might
actually grow stronger.
Wizard
July 26, 2007
Question: I have been dating Jim for over a year now and he has been nothing but nice to me. But every time I compare him with my ex
boyfriend, I secretly want my ex back. My ex and I talk once a week. He lives overseas. We had been together for 6 years and broke up because he
had to go overseas and because of my studies I couldn't go. Now I am going to study overseas to where my ex is and Jim wants to go with me.
Should I dump Jim to see what could happen with my ex???? By the way in our phone conversation my ex says he loves me and that he misses me.
ANSWER: You wrote on July 23 and this narrative is taken as an update with more information. You are going overseas and will be able to join
up with your ex. Who knows what will happen, but you should not give up on him. You must give this relationship every chance to succeed because
you both love each other. The direct answer to your question is yes, dump Jim to see what could happen.
You should tell your current boyfriend how great he is and that if it had not been for the ex, he would be number one on your list.
Unfortunately for him you have a number one, your ex, and you want to be with him.
It might be better not to call him your ex. Call him your first boyfriend, who you broke up with only because of distance and who you still
love, and with whom you will be soon.
Your current boyfriend obviously should not go with you overseas. However, you might tell him, even if he feels hurt, that if the
relationship overseas does not work out, you will want him to come to you overseas if he has not found someone else to love in the meantime.
Wizard
July 25, 2007
Question: ok, well i have a friend i go to gymnastics with, and she also had a friend that goes to our class. but for the past week
she’s been away and me and my friend have been going along very well. Let’s call my friend Sandra and her friend Talia. ok, so me and
Sandra had the best time together talking a lot, and then Talia comes back, and they start talking.
now, i have no problem with Talia, at least i didn’t , but i have a feeling she never liked me. she would always be kinda (kinda) mean
if i did something weird, and ignore me sometimes. so today we start out and i’m talking to Sandra a lot and Talia is kinda talking to us,
but more to Sandra. ok, then we move on and Talia is talking to Sandra more and i’m feeling a little left out. so i start to feel a little
sad and kinda not talk to anyone. so, of course, Talia doesn’t even notice because she’s not talking to me, and Sandra is talking
sometimes, like asking me what’s wrong, but sometimes not seeming like she’s really caring. ok, then i go into a sulk, and i tell
Sandra, and . . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Dearest Delia. This is ordinary everyday life in a social world. Sometimes you feel unwanted and unliked, even when you are wanted
and liked.
Sandra likes you. If she didn’t she would have ignored you totally instead of asking “What’s wrong?”
Just be yourself – talk when you feel like it and don’t talk when you don’t. The rest of the social world will bend with
you and without you. What matters is how comfortable you are with yourself – the others don’t matter. Be confident and pride yourself
with the fact that you are an individual who thinks, loves, is emotionally charged, and lives.
Wizard
July 25, 2007
Question: I don't know if I should dump this guy. My mom really likes him and I did at first, but then he got really annoying and he won't
stop bugging me. He calls every 5 minutes and his mom is the one that usually calls for him. I don't want to go out with him. I just don't want
to hurt him or disappoint my mom.
Plus I like this other guy too. He is more like me. He knows me better and we get along better. He isn't annoying like my boyfriend either.
So do you think I should dump him or be cool and try to live with it?
ANSWER: No, you dump him. Don’t worry about your mom. She wants you to be happy. He’s not her boyfriend. Don’t
worry about him either. Dumping is normal and happens every day. He needs to get used to it.
Go out with the other guy who is more like you. You’ll be happier and that is what this is all about.
Wizard
July 24, 2007
Question: i have a boyfriend with whom we had a disagreement two weeks ago. he claims that he loves me but cannot be with me. what should i
do? because i feel i love this guy. please help
ANSWER: What he says and what he does might not be the same. If he really loves you, what could keep him away from you? Is he married?
Normally, if a guy loves a girl, he’ll bend steal, swim an ocean, fly, even study logarithms, to be with his girl.
Either he doesn’t love you enough or he has a good reason to not see you. You should press him to be more specific about the reason,
and make your judgment based on how good that reason is. Marriage is a good reason. Another girl might be, because if he is conflicted
about another relationship, he doesn’t love you enough.
Wizard
July 23, 2007
Question: I had an online "fling" and a great night of sex. The guy says he had a great time but most likely won't have time to
see me again. What's up?
ANSWER: He wasn’t interested enough in you, just the sex.
Wizard
July 23, 2007
Question: I've been dating this guy for a year now, and he's really sweet and he loves me A LOT, but sometimes I feel like he's moving too
fast. I'm only 13, and he's 17, and we spend nights at each other's houses. I have met his entire family and he has met mine, and he's making
plans for us a year from now! Ah! What should I do? Oh . . . and then there's my ex boyfriend who keeps coming into the picture. And I like him a
lot, but he cheated on me once. He was drunk, and it was only a kiss, but it was enough for a dump. What do I do?!
ANSWER: He is moving too fast. At his age, next to yours, all things move much faster than you should. Dump the aged17 guy for your own
good. You like him a lot, and he likes you a lot, but you are in two different emotional and physical worlds at ages 13 and 17.
The ex, you know, didn’t commit too much of a crime with one kiss. But the 17 year old, if allowed to continue at his natural pace,
will commit what is known in most states (if not all and around the world) as a felony known as statutory rape.
Wizard
July 23, 2007
Question: I have been dating a wonderful guy for more than a year now, but I still think about my ex boyfriend. We were together for 7
years. We broke up because he moved overseas. My ex boyfriend and I still talk. We tell each other we love each other. I still am deeply in love
with my ex. But I also have feelings for my current boyfriend. My current boyfriend treats me as if I am a queen. He is nice and does everything
right, calls, writes love notes, enjoys my family, is respectful; but in the end he is not my ex boyfriend. Btw my current boyfriend says that
I'm the one. Should I dump him, even when I'm not even sure that things will ever work again between my ex and me???
ANSWER: No, do not break up with your current boyfriend. Do you intend to stay single – no dates, no fun, no enjoyment of life –
for however long your ex stays overseas? When does he return? Next week? Next year? Sometime in this life?
You have a life to live. So does your current boyfriend. Live it and enjoy it.
This advice changes, of course, if your overseas ex-boyfriend is just visiting for the summer and returns in September! Based on your
question, the wizard assumes he is gone for an indefinite time and maybe permanently.
If your relationship with your current boyfriend grows even deeper, you will eventually choose him over the absent boyfriend – and at
that time you should stop communicating with him like a love bird. The real questions are: Do you stop communicating with the ex now? And, if
not, do you tell your current boyfriend about the ex-boyfriend?
The first question’s answer is entirely up to you. If you choose to keep in communication with your ex, that is completely your
decision based on how you feel. But should you tell you current boyfriend about the ex at some time? When you grow committed and
(hopefully) hopelessly in love with the current boyfriend, you should stop communicating with the ex if you haven’t already. Think about
how your boyfriend will feel when you tell him that you were talking to the ex behind his back all this time. He will not react happily to the
news and for goodness gracious sakes you might lose them both!
Best to keep the telecommunication visits with the ex a private secret and see how that goes for a while, while at the same time you see how
it goes with your current boyfriend for a while. Know that you will terminate the relationship with one of them eventually. This double-tasking
will not survive the embroilment of two competing loves.
Wizard
July 22, 2007
Question: My boyfriend is flirting with this other girl. He doesn't treat me with respect. Also he is ashamed to kiss me in front of our
friends. I also fancy this other boy. I want to dump him and go out with the other boy. What should i do?
ANSWER: Why are you asking? The question contains the clear answer. Dump him for four very good reasons, and any one of them is good
enough.
Wizard
July 22, 2007
Question: I've been dating this guy named Willard for a while and I think he’s wonderful, nice, and everything I dreamed of, but I
want to break up. I want him to break up with me because I can’t break up with people. I'm not mean! Willard is too controlling and he does
little things that really make me mad! Plus, I really want my ex back and he wants me to! I don’t know what to do will you please help
me??
ANSWER: It is not mean to dump someone. Actually, it is the right thing to do and the nicest thing to do if you feel that the relationship
should not continue. The real problem is that you are afraid to dump him because you think of it as a negative thing to do, and you are not
comfortable telling people negative (and potentially contentious) things.
You should tell him that you enjoyed him, that he is wonderful and nice and everything you dreamed of. Then, in the same breath, tell him
that you need to break up with him. That will sound inconsistent to him – giving compliments and then telling him you want to break up.
Explain it by telling him that you like him a lot but you don’t feel romantic. You will want to stay friends, if possible, but dating is
not in the cards for you and him.
That should work. (Really!) Then you can go back to your ex.
To get him to dump you, you might have to act in ways that you don’t want to act. Do not cheat yourself by getting into the rut of
thinking you cannot dump. You can and you must.
Wizard
July 19, 2007
Question: I met this wonderful guy a while back and we really hit it off. We had a lot of things in common and we were really happy. We
never fought about anything until my family got into the picture. My parents weren't thrilled with him and my brother was a jerk to him. My
parents were nothing but respectful to him though, I just made the mistake to mention to him that they did not exactly like him. I tried
everything in my power to show how important my family was to me and I wanted him to impress them. My mother harassed me for a while after he was
insensitive and ran off to do some stuff with his friends. When he had asked me months before to do it with him, she wanted me to break up with
him. In addition to this, she was upset that I lost my virginity to him (which caused me a lot of stress for a while too). I convinced her to
give it more time and she said she'd give him another chance. Further along into the relationship we began fighting about petty things, like
differences in religion and him no . . . . (missing text)
For some reason he got it into his head that since he would soon be leaving in about a year or so that he should break up with me. A lot can
happen in a year and who knows, I might've gone with him. He was really upset, as was I, so we got back together. Three days later or so, he
dumps me again. Why? Cause he can't handle my brother. Wow, I sure feel insignificant. Here I thought we could work through anything, but he runs
at the first sign of trouble. So now I pretty much have no self-esteem and feel worthless. But, he wants me back again, and I am afraid this is
going to turn into a vicious cycle. He told me, "If I loved him, I would take him back." I feel like he is placing all the blame on me,
like I was the one who broke up with him and it is my fault that he overreacted and our relationship is in ruins. I feel like he should be
begging on his hands and knees if he thought I was worth it. He has put me through hell. I feel bad for him, with his background he never really
grew up to see . . . . (missing text)
Every time we are away from each other he seems to freak out. Time and distance shows if it is a relationship that can withstand time,
right? He needs to grow up and learn to be by himself. Thanks for reading my horribly long post and for all the advice.
ANSWER: After your first paragraph, things were looking pretty good, if you both could realize that religious differences probably are petty
if you love each other. But, woe (or is it Whoa!) to life, then comes the second paragraph.
This young man reveals a disturbing weakness or timidity. He leaves you because he will be going away in about a year’s time? A
boneheaded idea. But he sees the light, perhaps, and gets back with you only to dump you three days later because he can’t handle your
brother. Is your brother an angry platypus during mating season? A venomous viper lurking in the shade?
The point that needs to be made here is that you should not, based on your boyfriend’s failings, assign to yourself deprecating
descriptions like “insignificant,” “no self-esteem,” and “worthless.” You are right. He is putting on
your shoulders the weight of his failing you.
He needs to grow up and re-think all that has happened. You love him, even now, and he wants you back. He needs to realize the wonderfully
positive influence you are in his life. Before you return to him, he must realize the beautiful strength and vitality of your soul. Don’t
allow him to take you back and blame you for anything. Welcome the revival of the relationship when he relents and tells you how great you are,
have been, and always will be. If he can do that, he will reveal that his weakness and timidity is a temporary lapse. If he cannot do that, he
was a good education but he is not your life-mate.
Wizard
July 18, 2007
Question: Okay, I'm in a sticky situation. I've been with my fiance for 7 years and we have 2 kids together. But I keep catching him trying
to pick up girls on MySpace. Whenever I try to cut him off, he gives me a guilt trip about breaking our family up. He says he won't do it again,
but he keeps repeating his mistakes. I know he's slept with at least one of these girls. The latest one I saw him trying to pick up was an
underage girl. I really don't know what to do.
ANSWER: You are not breaking up the family – he is. As your fiancé of seven years he should be faithful to you and certainly
not sleeping with other women he picks up on MySpace. Going after under-aged girls is a crime!
He needs help because he promises to stop and doesn’t, and he cannot see that he is causing the family break-up.
Insist he gets help for behaviors he cannot stop.
Wizard
July 18, 2007
Question: First off I never usually date guys my age (27) and he's only 2 mo. difference in age from me. After our first date he got freaked
and stood me up 3 days later on our supposed 2nd date. He emailed me the next day telling me that he got scared because things went so well on
the 1st date, and that he thought I would be disappointed after I learned more about him. I asked why and he couldn't give me a reason. So we
went out again on our 2nd supposed to be 3rd date and things went well, but I was not all there due to the fact of being rejected at first. He
explained in guy terms (didn't say much at all) why he did it – but didn't give much of a clear answer. His communication skills are low.
Now he wants to jump right back into the "I want to see you as soon as possible, before our date on Friday." I told him politely no,
that I had plans. He asked what plans, and I replied that I had previous engagements. He said, Oh, NONA. I said, what is NONA. He said, No na my
business. I said that's right, it's none of your business. Now he's starting to act all needy and whiney. Should I even try a 3rd date? We got
along well, but I think he's just too young for me. HELP!!!
ANSWER: He stood you up. That mistake is the first and worst. The second mistake, though a small one, is he told you he got scared. The
third mistake is to say he had a reason for you to be disappointed and whimped out telling you. He has no need or justification to act needy and
whiney. All that's said here applies to a guy of any age.
One can’t tell what you seen in him, except that you got along well. If you want to date him, you should. If you don’t, you have
good reasons not to. If you can stand going on a third date with someone who has made at least three mistakes in two dates, go ahead! Who knows,
maybe beneath the bumbling is a guy with some substance and strength. It is possible.
He stood you up, a serious sin in the dating world that does not win sympathy from the wizard.
Wizard
July 18, 2007
Question: i am 12 and my parents have gone crazy. i have a dog and i also speak French. so they have been telling me to read my book, which
is six hundred pages. obviously my dad has figured out that i don’t like it, since i really don’t read it. but he still keeps telling
me. so today he went to talk to me and he was like, ok you have to finish your book and i will give you another book to finish before summer
ends. also, you wake up, and you do not eat before the dog eats, and you do not go on the computer before the dog has a walk. he is your dog and
your responsibility, and you do not get on the computer for more than three hours per day. i love the computer and am on it a lot, but for
reasons that are good, and i totally hate them right now because they have been so mean. do you think this is fair? cause he said, if you do not
do these, i am tired of this and you will not like the results at all. i can totally swear they hate me by the way they have been treating me
lately. i really think this is gonna be . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Your parents have not gone crazy. They are trying to be good parents. Yes, you may not see it this way, but the facts you relate
here are all quite normal and, frankly, complimentary of your parents. Let’s see why.
Your parents want you to do certain things because they are trying to make some decisions for you. Parents want their children to be
healthy, responsible, and productive people when they leave the home and enter the working, adult world. When parents think their children are
doing things that run counter to those wishes (YIKES!), they try to manipulate the child’s activities or schedule, or worse, they punish.
They do not do this because they dislike or hate their child; they do it because they love their child and want their child to develop in the way
they think best.
Books are written on this subject alone. They would fill your bedroom from floor to ceiling three times over.
Your parents are pleased you speak French because speaking another language can help you be productive. They want you to read proficiently
and to enjoy it because reading helps you learn and be productive. Some believe that reading makes you happier. Your parents want you to make
special effort to care for your dog, to give it all that it needs to be happy and healthy. This develops a good sense of responsibility and
accomplishment. Your parents think spending more than three hours a day on the computer is adverse to your good health and productivity.
Finally, your parents want to be sure that you understand that they have authority, as parents, to make you do what they think is important.
When you do something really bad or stupid (not that you would, but just in case), their word on the subject will control – no argument or
debate will delay the effect of their command. For example, read the questions submitted on July 15 by the mother of a 15 year-old girl who
brought home a 21 year-old guy she met on the internet. Your parents, in the best way they know how, want to be sure nothing like that can ever
happen.
So, yes, they are being fair and hats off to them for it. But keep up your spirits, they are doing it out of love for you. You show great
promise in your skills with language, reading, writing, and thinking. They most surely are proud of you and want the best for you.
Remember these three key words: Health, Responsibility, Productivity. They encompass the entire range of all that is important for every
human being growing up in society. All parents must be aware of these, and so should their children when they are smart and old enough (like
you!).
Wizard
July 15, 2007
Question: Please help me rid my 15 year-old daughter’s boyfriend who is 21. A few months ago I agreed to let my daughter and her
boyfriend from another state move in with us so he could save and go to college. Well, it has been the biggest mistake of my life. I want this
jerk to leave, but my daughter will not hear of it. She cannot see that he is a bum and has no intention of being anybody. He works in a factory
at the moment and all he does is lounge around and drink because he thinks he is so cool. I have asked him to leave several times, but my
daughter just makes excuses for him. Just yesterday, while she was at work, he kept the door closed in the room and when i went to see what he
was doing he had drunk a 700 ml bottle of rum. This is the last straw. Please help me rid this guy without losing my daughter. Thanks.
ANSWER: The answer is the same. Kick him out. If this were the old days, you would pick him up by the ears and drop him in the garbage
can.
He knows you don’t want him there. That is all he needs to know.
As for your daughter, you can remind her that the home is yours and while she is wanted at home her boyfriends, of any age, are not wanted
to live there. You don’t need to tell her about all the reasons you want him out. You can be clear about the home being yours, not his, and
you make the decision. The principle reason he does not belong there is that your daughter is fifteen years old. End of story.
Put your foot down and draw the line.
Wizard
July 15, 2007
Question: Please help. I am the mother of a 15 year old strong-willed daughter. Three months ago, she asked me if she can meet a guy on the
internet because she cares for him. Now, the 21 year-old boy lives with us and I want him to leave, but my daughter thinks he is wonderful. He
has a big chip on his shoulder. He drinks and has no ambitions in life. He is truly sending me mad having to watch him with my daughter. I
don’t want to lose my daughter to him, but she won’t listen to reason. Please help me rid this guy and keep my daughter.
ANSWER: Holy Mackerel!!! How do you allow a 21 year-old man into your home with a fifteen year-old daughter? Kick him out and call the
police if he won’t go! Your daughter’s care for him is no reason to allow him into your home.
You are the mother. She is the daughter. She inherited some of her strong will from you. Use it.
Jumpin’ Jehosaphat! Shiver me timbers! Trim my whiskers!
Wizard
July 15, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month. In the first three weeks, he took me out on weekends and called me daily. He
still calls me daily, but won't take me anywhere. He calls to try and stay over at my house, which I don't allow. I want to break it off
completely, but we had so much fun in the beginning. Please advise.
ANSWER: Peculiar that he would want to stay at your house after only a month of dating. You must be some find! But he won’t take you
anywhere? These tidbits of information do not jibe. He must be weird.
What is his game? If you had so much fun with him in the beginning and he took you out on weekends, something has changed in the last week.
You might give him a chance to explain himself. Ask him what has happened. If he says he’s running from the FBI or he needs a place to go
into seclusion, he’s weird. If he can’t give you a reason, he’s even more weird.
Wizard
July 13, 2007
Question: how do i deal with a girl who calls me and leaves a message saying i’m a b--- and everyone hates me? i don’t ever have
to see this girl, unless we bump into each other at the pool or we see each other at school because we're going to the same middle school, but
there a lot of people there. should i confront her or just forget about it?
ANSWER: Amazing, isn’t it, how obnoxious some people can be. Usually confronting someone like that adds fuel to the fire and makes
things worse. The usual advice is therefore ignore her communications and avoid confronting her.
Some middle schools have people who help resolve problems like the one you are having. School administrators in recent years (especially
after horrific events like at Columbine) have put services into place at school designed to resolve problems just like yours. They do not want
students sending or receiving messages like the one you received.
You might check into it. If your school is set up to help you deal with things like this, you might get the chance to stop the obnoxious
behavior and learn more about why it happened. If your school cannot help, your best step course of action is to ignore communications of that
kind.
Wizard
July 13, 2007
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half months. He recently told me that he loves me but I do not feel the same way and
in the past week he has rarely texted me or called me which he used to do loads. I do not feel the same about him as when we first started going
out and whenever there is a problem he says we should talk but then we don't. His friends are really pushy and keep saying how cute we are
together and how happy he is. I feel that if I dump him I will have to deal with them as well. Should I still dump him and how can I do it
without losing our shared friends?
ANSWER: If someone you think is your friend likes you only when you date this guy, he or she is not your friend. Real friends do
not see you as your boyfriend’s appendage. They like you because of who and what you are. You can be cute with another guy and still enjoy
good friends who know and like your former boyfriend.
The way you do the dump need not change. Tell him you are not happy in the relationship and ask him if he is unhappy too. Whether he says
yes or no, if you’ve made your decision, stick to it.
Prepare for the possibility now – don’t get caught unprepared – that he might protest and want to keep it going. If he
does, say no and explain that you have made your decision. You can tell him it is too late for that now. You want to end it.
If your decision is not absolute and you want to give him a second (or is it a third or fourth?) chance, say okay, but insist on changes
that will make your relationship work better.
For your peace of mind, know whether your decision is absolute before you dump him and act accordingly.
Wizard
July 12, 2007
Question: He always thinks I'm cheating when I'm not. I think he's a little unstable. He'll think he hears my other phone ringing in the
background and trips. He thinks I'm flirting when I'm not. He'll be sweet one minute and unbelievably mad over nothing the next.
ANSWER: He’s Paranoid, Unstable, and Volatile. For that, you be Far Annoyed, Unable, and Gone a While.
Wizard
July 11, 2007
Question: i am with this guy. he says he loves me and cares about me, but is he just in it for sex? that’s why....? should i dump
him??? i love him.
ANSWER: If all he wants is sex, and has no interest in you other than that, your love for him is misplaced and puts you at risk for all
kinds of harmful and awful things, and you will need to dump him right away.
If his expression of caring and love is real, and you love him, well dumping him is not the right thing to do. But sex is not the sole
driving force in a relationship. Test him some more on his feelings for you. See if he can show some love for your personality. Share with him
some humor, go to some public events, take some walks, talk about common interests – do a lot of non-sexual things. If the relationship
gets even better, when you trust his love for you, then you will worry less about his intentions.
Wizard
July 11, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months. Lately I feel that we don't have the same connection that we had in the
beginning. I call him, and he says that he will call back, and he doesn’t. Or when I call him, he doesn't call me back. He used to call
often, but now I'm the one doing the calling and communicating. I also don't feel the same way about him any more. I'm trying to decide if I
should break it off or give it some more time!
ANSWER: Lack of communication is a common method used in the dating world to get the message across that interest is waning. Some like the
method, some hate it. Generally it is the method used by lazy daters. People who can’t face up to it and deal with it choose the easiest
way – which is simply to stop communicating.
Unfortunately, this indicates one or both of two things: He wants an end to the relationship (as it was – he might like seeing you
“occasionally” at his whim) and he does not respect and admire you the same as he did (otherwise he would be calling you with
excitement and anticipation).
Communication is the best way to show interest when getting a date and when ending the dating relationship. It is sometimes the
more difficult way but it is more respectful of the other person.
You can talk to him about what his intentions are, but you will probably want to break it off.
Wizard
July 10, 2007
Question: i have been dating this guy for about a month now and he has been really sweet. my problem is that he seems to be more into me
than I am into him. it takes me a little longer than most to open up to guys because of bad experiences in the past. with this guy already being
so attached, how do i tell him to back off a little. i do like him. i’m just not ready to rush into anything too soon. for example, he was
ready to have sex after the first two weeks. call me old fashioned but i believe in waiting until after marriage. not only that, he has already
mentioned moving in together. should i dump him because of this or am i just overreacting. please help me!!
ANSWER: He is being a normal guy. He wants to get in the sack faster than you can say, “Wait a minute!” when you really want to
wait a long, long time (in his perspective). You want to hold off on sex for reasons that he will think are bonkers, but if he respects you as a
person he will honor your request. Be mindful of the fact that he is a guy. Even when he respects you and truly desires to honor your
request, he will always look for the opportunity. If, in a moment of weakness, you show a sexual desire for him (because you changed your mind
–that is what he will wish and think – or you are intoxicated), he will respond accordingly.
The best way to deal with this is to engage him in an important conversation. He must be capable of important conversations with you, at
least now and then, or he isn’t worth your valuable time.
In that conversation, inform him about your intention to wait until marriage. Be honest and direct with him, much in the same way you
expressed it in your question. He will understand that means no sex for a long time (presumably you mean intercourse, not kissing and other
things short of second or third base). If he is okay with it, you may want to continue dating him. If he is not okay with it, sex is all he
wanted in the first place.
Wizard
July 7, 2007
Question: My boyfriend of 5 years is yet to propose, and we do not have sex as much as I would like. This morning I was using his computer
and I discovered a number of porn sites and erotic services sites on his computer! The browser shows that these sites have been visited hundreds
of times. I feel so betrayed and confused. What is the best way to talk to him about this, and should I even try to fix things?
ANSWER: Having dated him for five years, and discovering this now, you are wise to want to understand his problem, if he has one. You should
not get married until you and he discuss, understand, and resolve this issue. If he thinks you should not be involved, you should insist on being
involved. You should be involved because you dated him for so long and you hope to marry him one day. If he shares those hopes, that you must be
involved is elemental.
Porn can become addictive. If he has a problem, he might need professional help.
The problem is fixable.
Wizard
July 6, 2007
Question: ok, i read what you wrote and u were right. i had no question, but what i wanted is for you to give any wisdom you could about
what i had said. i was upset and confused and just didn’t know what to do about these problems. so now i will give you the copy of my
problem, and i am asking you to give any wisdom you could about my problem. most of all, what do i do!? 0k, so its summer and me, my mom, and my
brother wanted to go to the beach. So we decided to rent a house on this island. Now my mom is, and has been for a long time, friends with these
people who have a son who is two years older than me. We have known each other for a very long time, and we’re friends, but now he lives in
NC and I live in GA. He comes to visit, and while our parents are great friends, I’m getting a little sick of this guy. I mean, we see him
a lot when he visits and we went to a beach last year too. I used to be excited when he would first come and then I get annoyed and
couldn’t wait for him to leave after the first day.
ANSWER: The wizard wishes to assign to you the name of Delia. Is that all right with you? No name can be real, so one must be created for
you if you are to be addressed directly by name.
Delia, it is normal to like someone and then not to like him so much later. Whatever your mom or brother think of him, that is their
opinion. You are entitled to your opinion.
If you can’t stand being near him, remember he’s a long distance away for most of the year, and when he is nearby, interact with
him as little as possible. If you cannot avoid him, whatever you say can be polite, simple, and short. Try to see his good qualities.
So here, Delia, is some wisdom for you. If you ponder all that is wrong about someone you dislike, you defeat yourself. All that is wrong is
obvious enough to you if you don’t like him. Concentrate on the good things about that person and you will be happier, stronger, and more
confident. If you spend your time thinking about all the negative things about him, you will make yourself more miserable and will have nothing
to contribute when someone needs you to be positive.
Wizard
July 4, 2007
Question: Hi wizard. I was wondering if you could please, please help me with a problem i am having? It goes like this . . . . I met this
guy about 3 weeks ago. When I first met him I thought he was about 19. I am 17. He is in fact 24, and he obviously thought I was older than I am
because he seemed surprised when I later told him I was still at school. I liked him and thought he was attractive, but didn't ever think
anything beyond that. He was just someone that I was talking to at a bus stop and on the bus. My friend then joined me on the bus at the next
stop, and met this guy as well. When we all got off the stop, I said goodbye to him. He looked like he was about to ask me something, but then
didn't. We walked off our separate ways.
My friend then told me that I was being stupid, that he was about to ask me for my number, and reminded me that I would now never see him
again. Stupidly we ran after him. I didn't know what I would say. But he was standing at the bottom of the stairs, like he was waiting. I asked
him – more like my friend asked for me, for his number. Later that day he texted me and we started talking. We went out to the cinema a few
days later.
I had doubts due to the age gap but went anyway. If nothing else we could be friends. We had a good time. I like him and we get on. But, for
me there are no great sparks. Also, sometimes he seems a bit too distracted. However, against my better judgment, we kissed, he kissed me. We
have now met up two times after that.
Some more of my friends have met him. Some think the age doesn't matter, that he is nice, and good looking so it shouldn't matter. Others
think the age is a bit much. I don’t know. I think that if there is no great spark on my behalf, and I have doubts about the age
difference, then I shouldn't see him anymore – at least as nothing more than friends.
I tried to tell him that I wasn't so sure, but chickened out, and we ended up kissing again. I don’t have the guts. What do you think,
and if i should stop this relationship before it gets too far, what do I tell him? I know I should say the truth. I don’t have the guts to
tell him face to face though. I have tried, but I don’t like the idea of doing it over the phone either because I don’t think
it’s very nice, but i know that if I meet up with him again to tell him to his face, it will just end up like last time. Please tell me
what to do, how to tell him, but I don’t want to upset him, and I don’t want things to be awkward if we bump in to each other
again?????? Thank you very much, and sorry that it is sooooo long.
ANSWER: At 24 he should be out of college, or already on track with his adult life, having found or finding employment, thinking about where
to settle, developing a career or business, saving up for family and the future, and all those other important things. At 17 you are still in
high school and are looking to your future – but not to the same level he is right now. If he is not doing all those things and wants to
date you, he has fallen into an immature rut. If he is doing all those things, he should be uneasy stepping into the role of a guy at 24 taking a
girl out at her senior prom. This may explain the distraction you’ve noticed.
Your lives are in such different worlds, the only thing you can truly experience together is a good kiss. Before the relationship gets too
far, you should end it.
This guy surely knows the significance of the age difference. If he is a good and caring guy, he will understand your concerns. You
won’t upset him. He should feel complimented that you were interested – but let him feel only that much.
Do not be a guinea pig for your friends. Undoubtedly the friends who say, “Go ahead, date him,” will want to hear all the
stories about what happened. The risk and the pain of dating with such an age difference is not worth it for the sake of telling good stories,
especially if you’ve noticed no sparks.
So now, how to end it? Text him back with this message (or something like it): “Steve, I like you but I think I am making a big
mistake. You are too. I think we should not see each other on dates. I am too young for you, and you are too old for me. I know you’ll find
all kinds of nice girls, and I’ll find another younger guy. Thanks for your interest in me, but really we need to just stay friends. I hope
you understand.”
End it there. When you bump into each other, he’ll be friendly. You might yearn for him a little bit. Ignore that feeling. You will
get the same feeling again with another guy, one who is closer in age and who lives in your world of high school and 17 – and better, a guy
who ignites a spark in you.
If he calls you, he will have already received the message. Be firm. Do not agree to another date. You shouldn’t have to say much
because the message you sent him is plenty clear enough. If he persists further, he is a danger and should be avoided.
Wizard
July 4, 2007
Question: Hi, Wizard. Got a bit of a tough one for you. My man and I have been together for a little over a year now. About a week after we
got together his mother lost her long-term battle with cancer, so we had a very difficult time in the beginning and also emotionally on and off
with dealing with all of that. He also previously to dating me had a long term partner with a messy break up. She was unfaithful for approx the
last 2 years of their 12-year relationship.
Recently he has needed some "me time," which I am able to support and appreciate. But in my mind this does not mean not seeing me
for the weekend, then coming over on Tuesday for dinner and staying the night, and then no contact until after 4:00 p.m. the following Sunday.
This does not make sense to me.
I was thinking that he is confused about everything. I think he may also be scared that I may be unfaithful or something as he says
everything is too good. Why is he feeling so unsure?? But I really think too much and don't know anything for sure.
Last weekend, I got attacked (for lack of a better word). I am ok. A man tried to drag me into a vehicle. I fought him off, so he did not
succeed. I just got battered and bruised a bit. Scary none-the-less. I called him, no answer. I needed him at this time, obviously. He returned
my call late afternoon the following day. (You can imagine all of the unkind thoughts I was thinking). He was in shock, so upset almost in tears,
raced straight over, saying "I should have been there, I am so sorry you needed me, I wasn't there." He stayed with me that night,
Sunday, and also the following night, Monday. Tuesday morning we both went to work and as he left, he said "I will call you later."
Well, it is now Wednesday night and I still haven't heard from him. I feel that I still need his help. But I don't see the point in leaving
more than one voice mail message or sms, etc.
So, has he decided that he needs to go back into his "me time?" Am I only worth two evenings of help and support? Does he want to
end it with me? He says he doesn't. Is he just selfish? How do I communicate to him that I need more, whilst still trying to be sensitive to the
fact that he has only a month or so ago had the first anniversary of his mothers death? Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? Hope that
you can help, as this is driving me insane. Kind Regards.
ANSWER: If he asked you for “me time,” he may have in his way been asking to slow it down, even to eventually break away from
you. This would make his behavior understandable.
After the attack, any human being would want to help you right away. That must have been scary, at least, and devastating emotionally.
Hopefully you are feeling a little more secure by now and will get over the experience soon (if one ever can). The fact that he came right over,
once he knew about it, does not change what appears to be a desire to remove himself from a relationship with you.
You are not unreasonable to expect more. You deserve more. Do not feel you must be sensitive to his problems. Right now, your problems are
as big, and he is the cause of one of them.
Insist that he be up front with you. Tell him you want it straight. If he wants out, he must tell you. If he doesn’t, it is high time
that he gets in gear and pays you the attention and give you the time you deserve.
Wizard
July 4, 2007
Question: I've been with this guy for a year and some. He is very sweet, charming and has been with me through all my good and bad times and
he really loves me a lot. I really like him too. But he’s not that great looking and is not really a good kisser. He’s also kind of
demanding and keeps saying that we will get married and have babies. None of my friends like him and he doesn’t like any of my friends
either. So, just last week, I dumped him because I felt like I didn’t really feel for him the way that he felt for me. All my friends said
I should since I didn’t really feel any spark (even though he said he did). I also wanted to try being single since I haven’t been
for around 3 years and I’m still a teenager. Now he’s being really cold towards me, which makes sense, since we are not dating. But I
miss the old him. I also feel really lonely without him and I feel like I want to get back with him sometimes, but this has already happened
twice before and I don't want to be impulsive and get back together with him again.
ANSWER: That he is not that good looking or that good a kisser can make a difference for some, but it need not. That he says that you will
get married and have babies, well, that reaches way over the edge.
Are you fond of him? Or you are fond of a dating relationship? You must determine which it is. Date other guys for a while. See if any one
of them matches up to your former boyfriend. If no one does, you could try to get back with him. If he felt a genuine spark with you, you should
be able to re-ignite it later because he should still miss you.
If you enjoy one of the other guys, it is a clear signal that you like having a guy around – and that is normal! When you feel good
about a relationship you are in, don’t think about marriage and babies (you had that figured out already, thank goodness). You can be more
in love with the fun of dating a guy than the guy himself.
Wizard
July 3, 2007
Question: ok, i just want to know if u are going to answer my posts or not. ive been posting all the time and even told my friends about ur
site. and still when i post u just choose to ignore me. it really bugs me cause i have a problem and i need help. if ur not going to answer
anything i post then tell me so i can stop visiting and posting since it is a waste of my time.
ANSWER: When your name appears on the senders list, excitement builds in the wizard’s kingdom. Your posts are read with anticipation
about what is next because you are a regular sender. All your posts reveal a vibrant personality and an agile ability to write.
The wizard regrets your unhappiness about no response. However, if you do not ask a question or raise an issue of interest to other readers,
there is nothing to answer. For example, your last post contained no question. Here is a complete copy of your last post:
Question: “0k, so its summer and me, my mom, and my brother wanted to go to the beach. So we decided to rent a house on this island.
Now my mom is, and has been for a long time, friends with these people who have a son who is two years older than me. We have known each other
for a very long time, and were friends, but now he lives in NC and I live in GA. He comes to visit, and while our parents are great friends,
I’m getting a little sick of this guy. I mean, we see him a lot, when he visits and we went to a beach last year too. I used to be excited
when he would first come and then get annoyed and couldn’t wait for him to leave after the first day, but now I just get tired of him right
on the second day I see him. It’s just a lot of people I know go to beach houses with their friends that are GIRLS (who are girls, too).
And I don’t do that. And even if I could bring someone of my choice with me, I wouldn’t have anyone to bring. My one best friend is
away in Florida and pretty busy for the summer. And also I get kin and soon!!!”
The wizard reads every post without fail but can answer only those posts that contain questions or issues of interest. You say you
have a problem and need help. Nothing in your last post speaks of a problem or of a need for help and it contains no question.
Wizard
July 2, 2007
Question: I have gone out with him twice and talked on the phone. I don't want to go out with him anymore. There is no chemistry and I am
not attracted to him. What do I say?
ANSWER: This should be easy. You haven’t dated long enough to develop a relationship so much that he would get hurt – unless he
is unusually egotistic, emotionally weak, or plain stupid.
Tell him directly that you don’t want to go out any more. If he is any of the above three things, ignore him completely, and if he
continues to cling to the little of you he had, tell him to “Bug off!” It sounds indelicate, but if it is necessary, do it. It will
surprise him and it should be enough.
Wizard
July 2, 2007
Question: Hey - this isn't exactly a "should I dump?" question, but it's loosely related. My ex and I went out for 5 months before
I dumped him because it just wasn't working. He was gutted but decided we should stay friends because we are in the same friendship group so it'd
be weird not to.
So the other day, he was intending to be come up to my town from home for a wedding and I texted him to find out what his plans were. He
said "I'm driving up this afternoon, can I stay at your flat?" (A flatmate is living with her boyfriend at the moment, so her room is
empty).
I said "that's really short notice, how long are you planning to stay?" and he told me he was sorry about the short notice, he was
hoping to stay for TWO WEEKS and he'd just left and would see me in a few hours!!!
He's still here. He's using the flat like a hotel, annoying my flatmates and me, expecting to be entertained, being insensitive to our
complete irritation with him and ... well ... things are just plain WEIRD! I don't want him here but HATE confrontations and he's not taking my
not-so-subtle hints such as "I'd wanted to spend time with just my flatmates in the last week of school, I'd imagined it very
differently" and "I was really annoyed when you said you were coming for 2 weeks." He won't leave!
I really don't want to have a huge argument but don't want him to think its ok to treat people like this. Can't believe he's not picked up
the angry and venomous vibes exuding from the 3 girls he's imposed himself upon. Help!!
ANSWER:
You are right – this is not okay. This bloke is rude, simply and unmistakably a rude dude. It’s a bummer to have him around, so
bum him out. Don’t be nice, don’t cook for him, don’t ask him to go anywhere. He surely knows the meaning of your not-so-subtle
hints. His horse’s rear-end behavior is intentional. If it continues, as it appears to be, you have every right to call the police and tell
them that three girls need their help evicting an unwanted male intruder who won’t leave.
Wizard
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