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January 28, 2009
Question: Heyah. Well, it’s not me who has to dump him, but my best pal. He is a jerk, a three timer who talks about her behind her back. She wants to hurt him. What to do???????
ANSWER: He may be a three timing jerk who talks behind her back, but dumping him is enough. If she does more than that intending to hurt him, he may want revenge and hurt her back.
If a guy deserves to be dumped, then dump him. That is enough.
Intentionally hurting a guy is grossly unfair to him if he is a good guy. If he is a bad guy, he gets angry and yearns to hurt her back. No one wants the hassles of a bad relationship to linger and pester, and worse.
If you are her friend, be helpful and advise her to end it finally and fully, without adding unnecessary jabs to his ribs that will bring him back to cause her even more harm and misery.
There. The same advice repeated three times, just in case it didn’t get through.
Wiz
January 28, 2009
Question: Dear Wiz, I've been in a relationship for over a year and a half and finally come to terms with the fact that my partner and I are not as compatible as we thought we were in the initial stages of our relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that my partner loves me, but I can't reciprocate that love anymore. To make things extra painful, we even live together.
We have been having relationship issues that we've tried to work out for a while now and have been to counseling before.
Both of our careers involve a lot of traveling which causes us to have hectic schedules. I've been away for 3 weeks already and will be returning on Valentine's day and will be traveling for work again on the 25th of February for 2 weeks. My partner leaves to travel for work before I even get back from the second trip and won't return until mid April. My partner's also moving away in June.
I've made up my mind about ending our relationship because of our fundamental incompatibilities, but I want to know what will hurt more: if I end it on Valentine's day when I return, or if I end it over the phone before Valentine's day.
I believe it's far more cruel to celebrate Valentine's day with this person that I still care for but no longer wish to be in a relationship with before breaking up. I'm not the type of person to put up with charades and drag things on once I've made a decision about something this important. The timing is atrocious however and I'm just stuck. Breaking up hurts either way. I just want to know which way would be better for both of us, on the phone before Valentine's Day, or on Valentine's Day.
ANSWER: On the telephone before Valentine’s Day.
The timing is atrocious and breaking up hurts either way. Your better choice is on the telephone before the holiday because the length of the relationship and your living together suggest the breakup cannot occur in a short conversation. A surprise, smack-in-the-face announcement on Valentine’s Day will likely ruin all hope of a reasonable conversation about breaking up. Beginning the breakup with a phone call the day before cracks the ice and gives both you time to think ahead about what will happen on Valentine’s Day. This improves the chance, despite the breakup, of having a rational, purposeful, and productive discussion on Valentine’s Day.
We all know nothing is guaranteed in this business, but this appears to be the better course of action.
Wiz
January 26, 2009
Question: He initiated in the a.m. “Hey, I'll be back a little later. Okay, baby?”
I hear nothing from him AT ALL until 10:15pm. I state that I feel upset because I thought we were going to be together/hang out. He was cold and stated, “Nothing is set in stone!” It's always something. “I will call you from the house phone in a little while.”
He never did call back that night. Never acknowledged or apologized.
What should I do?
ANSWER: Other things are taking a priority. Is it work, friends, sports, school, car repairs, volunteer work at the Salvation Army, or other girlfriends? If you don’t know, the signs are not good for you. Talk to him to see if he comes clean with what keeps him away. If he is not willing to talk, or tells you something senseless, then it is time to find someone more satisfying for you.
Wiz
January 26, 2009
Question: I've dated this guy for 2 weeks and he seems like he really likes me. His birthday was yesterday and I went to his sister’s house hoping he'd be there. She ended up telling me he's been lying to me and from what it seems like he's lied to her about me. Should I leave?
ANSWER: What has he lied to you about? What has he lied to his sister about?
You’ve been dating for only two weeks. Anything could be happening, or not happening, and you cannot know unless you talk to him and get the straight story.
Wiz
January 25, 2009
Question: I am dating a younger guy (ten years). I really like him, but he is very busy and so am I. I think that’s why the age difference works. We don’t see each other that much and that’s okay right now. In fact, I am afraid if I did start seeing him more I would really fall hard, so I try to keep it relaxed. The one thing I can’t stand is texting. I only speak to him about once every 2 weeks on the phone or when I see him about once every two weeks. However, we text everyday. Sometimes all day. Most times I am okay because I can text during meetings, but other times it gets on my nerves like at night. My friends (all younger) tell me that this is what guys do now. He says he hates talking on the phone. I try to go with the flow, but I am thinking about dumping him for it even though I am really into him. Should I?
ANSWER: Texting all day, solely with you, is obsessive perhaps, depending on the content and the purpose. If it is a way to stay in touch by “reporting in,” it isn’t obsessive if he is right in assuming your availability to partake in the same back-and-forth. At ten years older, you might not share that ability due to time constraints and, frankly, other things to think about.
Texting has become an easy way to communicate from anywhere at any time, though it often becomes a preoccupation that interferes with important events. It is a direct line to people close to you for simple information exchange (often with abbreviations that shorten the message further), without lengthy discussions by voice on the telephone. It avoids busy signals. It avoids the immediacy of voice responses in conversational tone. One may think as long as one wants before sending the next text message, without that uncomfortable pause on the phone that suggests a lost connection or an intended response of silence.
If you are really into him, don’t let his texting get in the way. Next time you are with him, tell him you want to tone down the texting so you can manage your time better. Tell him you want to continue seeing him and not to interpret the toning down of texting as a negative thing. Perhaps it will help to remind him that talk between you personally carries so much more meaning, and fewer text messages will give you so much more to catch up on when you get together.
Wiz
January 21, 2009
Question: We didn't get and we hardly go on a date.
ANSWER: You need to get into a relationship before you need advice on how to get out of a relationship.
Wiz
January 21, 2009
Question: My boyfriend and I are together for like 3 months. We're so in love, really truly madly in love, but all of a sudden, without any reasons, he changed. He's so cold. He said that he can’t feel me, he can’t feel us, and when I asked him, why can’t he say he loves me, he replies that he doesn’t want to answer that question. I’m so lost right now. He leaves me hanging without decision. What should I do? I’m hurting so bad.
ANSWER: This is someone who is indeed hot and cold. When someone waivers between hot and cold, it means that they vacillate all the time. A person who vacillates between love and no love, with no in-between, is a dangerous person to love, because he will respond to you only when he feels that he is in love.
His behavior is highly immature or selfish, or both.
If he comes back to you, watch out. He is likely to fall out of love again, until he loses his immaturity or selfishness. Immaturity usually goes away (in varying degrees) with age and selfishness sometimes never goes away.
In fairness to him – it is possible that you misinterpreted true love for “puppy” love. If so, he backed out and his best explanation was that he can’t feel you, he can’t feel us, which is a way of saying he never felt he was in love. If that is true, he was never in love, regardless of what he may have told you before.
If that is true, there is nothing selfish in how you felt, only a selfless love for him. That is an admirable way to feel and it bodes well for you because you know you have all the natural and beautiful abilities to love and feel loved. The potential harm is that your disappointment can sour your desire for love. Know and understand that many of us have been through this wringer and know your pain. One day your love will be real, and the love you perceive coming from your lover will be real, and that love can last a lifetime.
Wiz
January 20, 2009
Question: My boyfriend pushes me around and isn’t trustworthy. What should I do?
ANSWER: If he physically pushes you around, avoid him altogether. If it is not physical, still dump him. You must never allow yourself to feel pushed around by someone you date.
Wiz
January 20, 2009
Question: I am Asian and have dated a Latino guy who was raised up in Puerto Rico. He was all over me at the first moment sending me lots of emails and calling many times a day. He drew me and wrote a long song. He said he had never been in love before until he met me. He is 23 years and I am 27. He and I met in a salsa bar. I am an advanced salsa dancer and he just started learning because of me. We enjoyed dancing together ever since.
Then suddenly we went out on a double date (my guy friend's and his girlfriend) and my boyfriend got introduced to them that day. I was dancing with my guy friend Bachata (it’s a bit close dance and could bring some jealousy) while my boyfriend danced with my guy friend’s girlfriend. None of us got jealous, but my boyfriend ended up sending me lots of immature emails about how he got pissed off, and he felt I didn't respect him at all and he wants to be alone now. But while he sent me the emails, he also sent me lots of emails afterwards about checking my blog for comments written by other guy friends of mine asking me why I deleted messages and who the guy is that you talk to. I am tired of defending myself and he won't get back to normality.
He is still mad at me. I am extremely loyal to him and we didn't have a big problem like this until the recent salsa dance. Even though he showed me some jealousy remarks on my blog (I am quite attractive a lady with a good body, and we have a long distance relationship now, unfortunately), I know he was also faithful, introducing me to his close friends and even putting our pictures in his blogs.
But it seems like he changed his feelings toward me all of a sudden after 5 months of dating. I feel lost, especially because I will take 2 months and half vacation to South America alone. I invited him to come along, but he is busy at work can't afford it. I am an independent woman and would go for my freedom (but I also don't want to leave him with a half wounded heart). We agreed before this big argument that I would come back to stay with him for 3 weeks after my South America trip. But now I am confused by his reaction of jealousy and cruel remarks: I don't trust!!
Even after I tried to convince him that he didn't need to worry about anything and he is the only one I care about, he is still mad at me. What shall I do?
ANSWER: One would expect him, as a Latino, having dated you for five months, and having been dancing with you as an advanced salsa dancer, to know and understand the nature of the salsa and the Bachata dance. These are not mysterious dances; people who enjoy dancing know them well. This also is not likely to be a cultural test he can fail.
The Bachata dance, and the closeness you imply, should not alone cause jealousy. However, he must have seen or heard something that made him angry, if not jealous.
Your confusion is about whether you should spend the three weeks with him after your trip to South America. The wiz thinks you should not. If you are still interested in your boyfriend (as it seems you are) but don’t trust him, and if you want to explore possibilities with him still, go stay near him after your trip in a hotel for a week, and look him up when you get there. If all goes well in that first week, perhaps he will ask you to spend the remaining two weeks with him. If not, perhaps you will run into another interesting guy. If not, return to where you live and find someone who is not angry, will not get angry when you dance, and who lives a lot closer.
Wiz
January 17, 2009
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month. He's a sophomore and I'm in eighth grade, and I'm his first real girlfriend. But, last year he kind of had a relationship with a girl who is now a senior. She caused a lot of problems for him, but he said he was totally over her and just wanted to get to know me, though I am way different than the other girl. Anyway, he and I got into a fight, and he called her. He doesn't call me, just texts. And I thought he really liked me. But now he says that she is the only person that really understands him, though he wants to be with me. He always tells me about her, and I am brutally honest with him about pretty much everything. He says I won't understand some of his problems because I'm in eighth grade. He is kind of a prep and an overachiever, but he and the other girl will never date again. Am I stupid for still being with him?
ANSWER: Not stupid, just not fully aware. But wisdom will tell you – hence, the wiz must tell you – to move away from him. His experiences with a senior will create an even greater distance between him and you. No matter how clever, intelligent, or skilled he may be with girls, he cannot and will not bridge the difference between you and her.
You are more vulnerable than either he or she. Don’t let yourself get emotionally battered around. Stay away from him and date someone closer to your age.
Wiz
January 16, 2009
Question: Hello. I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. He's such an amazing guy and cares so much about me. He tells me how much he loves me and how perfect we are for each other all the time. When it comes time for me telling him I love him back, sometimes I feel so strongly about it, but sometimes I really can't say it back, because I don't think I really love him. I think he almost convinces me into believing I love him. I am always thinking about breaking up with him, and I don't why. He is just so lazy, smokes weed (which I hate!) and just doesn't have the goals for his future like I do. I feel like he's holding me back from the things I want to get out of life, but at the same time, I know I'd be really sad without him. I don't want to break up with him and be depressed and regret it, but at the same time, he's holding me back from my education and future. I'm not into drugs and alcohol and all that, and he is. I also don't want to have sex and he does. I find myself randomly crying all the time, sometimes when I'm hanging out with him. Sometimes I just really don't want to hang out with him either. I think I'm just attached to having him there. Like I want that person I can text everyday. He told me that if we love each other, that’s all the matters. But is love really enough?
ANSWER: Love is enough if you love the whole person and being with him puts you into a delirious tail-spin. You love parts of what you get from him, but not the whole package. Loving part of the package is not good enough.
Too many cautionary signs appear in your question. If you don’t feel you really love him; if you do not like his use of drugs and alcohol; if you are held back in your education and future; if you don’t want sex when he does; if you randomly find yourself crying; if you at times don’t want to hang out with him, you are not in love with the whole package. In fact, any one of these signs would be too much to ignore. Pay attention to your feelings. They are telling you to move on to someone else.
None of these things should happen when you are in love.
Wiz
January 15, 2009
Question: I have just dumped my boyfriend after 3 months. I believe he liked me and my feelings were getting very strong. However, he spent the whole Christmas period with his friends and family, although he did text me every day. He then spent New Year's Eve and day with friends and family. Then to cap it all on his birthday, 11th Jan., he went for a meal with family and friends. No invite for me. Was I right?
ANSWER: Well, it depends on how close to him you got, and what he did in-between. Did he take you out after Christmas but before New Year’s Eve? How close to his family are you after three months?
When your feelings were getting very strong, was it mutual? Did you expect too much of him?
The wiz can’t be more specific without more facts. However, if you feel glad he’s gone, then you did the right thing. If you are having doubts, ask him how he feels about you. If he wants to get back together, get back together and start over again. If he doesn’t want to get back together, live with your decision, and move on to a guy who will involve you more with his family on holidays.
Wiz
January 13, 2009
Question: Nothing but texts.
ANSWER: Obviously, that is not good enough, unless no other means of communication exists, like he’s in prison in Zimbabwe about to be executed, and you’re strapped to a tree with only one hand free in the Peruvian jungle dying of starvation, and he is saying “Good-bye until tomorrow, when we meet in the next life.”
Wiz
January 9, 2009
Question: After a terrible break up from an 8 year relationship, I met a great guy soon after that. Things hit off and we had things in common that pulled me into the relationship. However, deep down I always felt that he is not the one for me. He is great and all but just not 'the one'. I even met another guy that sent butterflies down my throat recently that even my boyfriend has never made me feel, ever! I know this has to end even for the fact that I'm already thinking this way. But how do you end it when things are going great? I don’t want to live a lie anymore.
ANSWER: You do not need to live a lie. Do you ever talk with him about your relationship? If you do, don’t tell him you are in love with him. Tell him the truth, much in the same way you told it here.
For instance, tell him during the conversation that you think you hit it off real well in the beginning, but you are not sure right now where it will go. Tell him you can still see each other, if he wants, but that you aren’t clear in your own mind yet if this is the right relationship for you.
That will be a good warning sign for him. He might break it off at that point. If he wants to keep seeing you, you’ve got a good starting point to end it, if you feel you need to, by reminding him of that conversation.
When you find a guy who gives you butterflies, don’t give up on the opportunity if he is interested in you. The guy you are dating, if he does not excite you, will have to take a second seat.
Wiz
January 7, 2009
Question: The guy I'm with is very sweet. But I still have very strong feelings for my recent boyfriend. I feel like we should be best friends than Lovers. How do I dump him gently?
ANSWER: The best time to dump is right away. This avoids leading him on, giving him more time to get even more impressed with all your good qualities and fall even deeper in love. The best way is to be clear, so you don’t create hope in his heart that you will change your mind. Don’t hurt him by criticizing him, or giving him a lecture on all the things you did not like about him. He will probably feel better if you give him some credit. For instance, you can tell him he was a good friend, that he was good in conversation, that he was fun to be with, or that he is very handsome. Follow it with a “but, …” so he doesn’t misread your generous comments as second thoughts. For instance, “but that is all we can be, just friends,” or “but our conversations were friendly, not lover’s talk,” or “but that is what I like with friends, and we’ll have to continue that, if you don’t mind,” or “but handsome isn’t everything, I just feel a need to move on.”
Wiz
January 6, 2009
Question: He got angry because I would not have sex.
ANSWER: You must have known what to do because you did not ask a question. For those who are unclear about what to do, simply don’t bother with him any more and find someone else who is accommodating, even if not understanding why.
If a guy is so impatient that he gets angry, he is selfish. Only selfishness explains the anger. A guy who is that selfish is interested in himself, not you, except when you are willing to have sex when he wants it. The same immature, selfish, piggish attitude produces a desire that you cook dinner when he wants it, you wash and press his clothes when he wants them, you entertain and impress his friends only when he wants you there for that purpose alone, and God forbid, if you have children, they’ll join you in catering to all his selfish needs.
Wiz
January 3, 2009
Question: I know that he cheats on me and he is incapable of telling me the truth. I love him and I know that he loves me, but he is just incapable of being loyal. He has already given me two diseases. And now he is separated from me physically for the first time in a year with no clear definite date that he is coming back. I know that since being away he has slept with other men. So what do I do? Do I confront him and leave or just let nature run its course and get him to leave me?
ANSWER: He is sleeping with other men, he is disloyal, he is not capable of being truthful with you, he is away for an indefinite time, and he has given you two diseases. Turn the corner, never come back, and live your life in the company of almost any guys but this one. The relationship appears already over and it should remain so.
Nature has run its course. Confront him only if you need to confront him to keep him away. Otherwise, just let him stay away.
If you possess an apple that contains worms, has turned brown and looks rotten, is bruised, and tastes like turpentine, don’t keep it for lunch. Nature has run its course.
Wiz
January 2, 2009
Question: He stood me up for new years eve.
Answer: Ugh. Do you exist? When a guy acts like he doesn’t know you, he must no longer exist in your world. Dump him, unless his excuse is hugely convincing. You deserve better.
In almost any situation, you can try the pet dog test. If a guy treats you worse than a pet dog will treat you, he deserves to be treated like a stray animal, and hence needs time in the dog pound.
Wiz
January 2, 2009
Question: I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and the first month was great. He would call and invite me out. Now he just texts me, which I don’t mind, but when I text him he usually doesn't reply. Because of him not replying, I just wait for him to call or text. When I know he is free I ask him if he wants to do something and he is always saying he has to run errands that day. Should I just find someone else who will make time for me, even though I really like him?? I am 20 years old turning 21 soon and he is 25.
ANSWER: He appears to be taking you for granted. Does he take you out on special occasions? Does he surprise you with special gifts? Does he remember your birthday? Or any other date the two of you think is special to your relationship?
Is he a dolt? Or just not interested?
A good dating relationship is more than a convenient companionship. He should be doing or saying things that remind you that you are special to him. If he is not showing you his interest in you better than just texting you for dates on his schedule, without making you know (that is, not guess) that taking you out is special for him, find another guy.
If he is doing his part, you will not wonder, and he will make time to see you.
Wiz
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