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January 31, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months as of Valentines day, and we talked for 3 months before that, so we have technically
been together for 5 months all together. This guy is perfect for me. We get along really well and he's really sweet. I am a full time student, so
the workload is really intense. He is also a full time student. Both of us work and have other obligations as well.
Lately we have not really had much time together. One of the major things that bothers me is that it seems like anytime we do get to spend
together his friends are there too. One of the big things was when he came back from vacation and then a dance competition. He had been gone for
like 2 weeks total and then when he came home we had no alone time at all because his friends were there. I would have no problem if it was just
once in a while but it seems like he doesn’t want to be alone or like he can’t tell his friends no.
We talk every night on the phone sometimes for like three hours, but is just talking on the phone enough? I’m scared because I have
never felt this way about anyone before but I’m not sure if he feels the same way, because if he did he would want to make time, right?
I mean, it’s really sad when we have been together for like 5 months and have not been on an official date alone yet. I just
don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is fair to either of us. I mean I want more time, but he obviously doesn’t because he
doesn’t seem to be making any time for us. I have talked to him about it and he said that he did care and that he felt really bad about not
making time, and promised to change it, but he hasn’t. Is this a bad sign? Did he just tell me that because that’s what i wanted to
hear? I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I wanted time so bad that I put off some of my school work to try and make
time. I know I shouldn’t have done this but I was just craving time with him so much that that didn’t seem to matter.
ANSWER: These are all bad signs. Schedules can get crowded with school and work, but people in love find ways to get together, alone,
despite obligations of school and work. And, if a couple is in love, both guy and girl will look for time alone without the presence of
friends.
This is sad for you. No one, so far as one can tell from your question, has been fair to you.
Wizard
January 30, 2008
Question: i have this problem with my boyfriend. he's actually my best friend's ex. since they broke up, i was the one who helped them to
get back together. unfortunately, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and i accepted him. but the reason he asked me is to make my best friend
jealous. the problem is, we've done sex, and i'm already pregnant. so, help me!!
ANSWER: You have made at least two mistakes and you will want your boyfriend’s cooperation. Talk to him about the situation and get
him on board in making decisions about how to deal your problems. Regardless of whether he cooperates, you must find help with concerned
professionals in your area. You need advise that will depend on a large amount of information – such as, your boyfriend’s
circumstances and commitment to you and the baby, your financial condition, your physical and psychological health, your commitment to boyfriend
and baby, and your ability to get help and support from relatives. Legal and ethical issues need to be studied and resolved.
This site is too narrow a venue for you to get help, other than to follow the wizard’s advice that you find MORE HELP from concerned
professionals near you.
Do not delay!
Wizard
January 29, 2008
Question: Ok, this is a mess. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. I am 19 and I have sacrificed most of my friends for this guy.
We have for the most part had a great relationship, however I have given him everything he has ever asked for, and he seems to be hesitant to do
the same. I am leaving for college in a few months and I won’t be returning to where I live now . . . ever. He always led me on to believe
he would go with me, however time winds down and he is now saying that he needs to stay for his career (he’s a police officer – he
can go anywhere) and that he needs to get a few years in for experience here, aka – he’s not going with me. I feel so betrayed and I
know that we will not make it living 7 hours apart for more than 4 years! I feel like I have given him my life and he is not willing to give
back. He always puts himself first. He is very selfish. I want to marry him, soon, like before I leave for college, but he doesn’t. All I
get is mixed signals from him. He won’t let me break up with him. I’ve . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: You are 19 and going on to a successful and wonderful life. He is not going with you. You are disappointed. In the long run, looking
at your future from a distance, the wizard knows you will find another guy who will be committed to you and will be worth your sacrifice.
Do not sacrifice further for your police officer. He is probably a good man, but if you marry him, your disappointment will grow into a
miserable life-long experience. You cannot build a future on betrayal and mixed signals.
You say he won’t let you break up with him. That is not his choice – that is your choice. Make it.
Wizard
January 27, 2008
Question: You don't need to be a genius, but still we screw up. A few months ago, this guy sits me down and says, "I don't know how,
but after only a couple of months, I have fallen in love with you." Well, isn't that nice. Here is the question: Now, am I being too
SENSITIVE or when that is the case, doesn't the guy tell you that he loves you once in a while (say, every few days) afterward? Now, you can
almost feel him intentionally not saying it. I asked him if he wanted to retract it, and he said no. He is a real prize, huh?
ANSWER: A guy who loves you will express it. A guy who wants you to date him and give yourself to him, and who doesn’t feel the desire
to give back to you, is a guy who will say he loves you only when it serves his purpose.
He still wants you around, but his motives might be disingenuous.
Wizard
January 27, 2008
Question: OMG I have a texting relationship thing going on also! I'll sum it up. I like a guy who is younger. All he does is text. Is this a
new thing? Am I too old to know it (35)? He is 26. I agree, I hate the form of communication but the red light on my BB and the buzz is addictive
and I really like him and like talking to him. He is hot and there is ton of chemistry. Sometimes the talk, k..text, is umm . . . sexual. Makes
me uncomfortable sometimes, but I also like it sometimes. He texts all day and night. Now he is mad because I won’t send a ****** picture.
He has ignored my texts this morning for the first time ever. I would not even consider doing this until I am in a committed relationship. Is
texting a new way to flirt, date, or is this just a way for him to get his rocks off and pass the time? He is not a womanizer and this
communication has been going on for four months!! We’ve had two dates and run into each other occasionally @ work. Seems like a long chase
for some texting. I am in the "I can't look at a . . . .” (missing text).
ANSWER: Texting is not new and you know enough about it. You’ve got a guy who is free, loose, and insecure. If he stops texting you,
he’s found another babe to text. He’ll come back to you when he thinks of you because texting is a safe way for an insecure Joe to
communicate, and no one needs to know about it, except you. Yes, he gets his kicks out of it, and he’ll move from babe to babe (and from
mom to mom) until he finds the girl who best matches his interest. Eventually he will grow up and realize that texting can’t replace the
real thing.
In the meantime, if you enjoy it, you can have it for so long as he remains interested, but you might be filling a
“mother’s” role, or a fix-me-up role when he is down, or a fantasy role when he is excited. His interest will not likely grow
into a real, meaningful romance for you.
Wizard
January 27, 2008
Question: He said he wanted to marry me, then backed out saying he was just feeling insecure. We used to see each other every day, but now
he makes excuses to not meet me. He plans an evening with me and then cancels, does not even call to cancel, I have to call to find out where he
is and he says he got stuck with friends or drank too much.
ANSWER: Stay away from him. Be glad he rejects marriage. You reject seeing him again.
Wizard
January 26, 2008
Question: Okay wizard, I have been this guy’s girlfriend for about a month. And he's really sweet, and deserves the best, and
I’m not that girl. I felt a better connection when we were friends. But here’s my twist to it. I went to a dance last night, and I
saw my friend whom I’ve had a crush on for so long. and he asked me to dance, so I did. And we got back into the limo with 10 other people
and he was sitting next to me. I nearly fell asleep, and fell over on his shoulder. I woke up and he was cuddling me, and we stayed like that the
entire ride. He asked me out when we got back and I said yes. Because I’m dumping my original boyfriend, my question is . . . How do I let
him down without hurting him?
ANSWER: Once you have made the decision, and your decision is appropriate, then you must make the effort and get it done. That is the most
important and simplest principle to remember for every dump.
Throughout this website you will see many renditions of how to do it. Here is one more. If you have dated long enough so that he might not
be expecting a dump, or you feel he might be “wounded” in some way, then you should talk to him directly. It requires more bravery on
your part. Many people will avoid that because they are afraid. If you respect him at all and if he is not a bad guy (as appears to be the case
in your situation), you should definitely make this a personal one-on-one conversation.
Tell him you do not want to continue a romantic relationship. You will be friends, but the dating needs to stop. Tell him clearly. Do not
let him be confused about it. No matter how good your reasons are to dump him, do not give criticize him. Don’t tell him, for example, he
is too quiet, a bad kisser, a bumbling idiot, he swears too much, he’s too fat, or dumb, or not cool enough, or anything else. Even if you
hate him, don’t bother. You will accomplish nothing by telling him what is wrong with him. Usually the guy won’t agree or he’ll
insist he can change. Just don’t go there. If you want to have a longer conversation because you are afraid you have wounded him badly,
tell him some compliments, like you are a great friend, you are terrific at conversation, you were fun, or whatever. The truth of what you say at
this moment does not matter – just the compliment will do.
Well, that’s it! When you are done, you’ll say to yourself, “Hey, self, that wasn’t so bad!”
Wizard
January 24, 2008
Question: Hi, my name is Dolly and me and my boyfriend are in the middle of a fight. We've been dating for about 2 months and 12 days. I was
talking to him and he started talking like he was all emotional and that he cuts himself, and I thought he was just joking around, so I said you
scare me, out of instinct because I say that to all my friends sometimes. My boyfriend starts to get all quiet and says, why does he scare me?
And I said that he didn't, I say that to all my friends. But him talking about being emotional was kind of scary. He was really quiet for a
little bit, but then he said, "Just cause I'm emotional doesn't mean you shouldn't still like me." I said, "Even if you are
emotional, I would still like you, but I know that you’re not emotional." Then he said, "Shows how much you know about me."
So then we haven’t talked since and I’m afraid he'll dump me and I don’t know what to do.
ANSWER: You don’t need to do anything. Let him go his way and you go your way.
Wizard
January 24, 2008
Question: Help me. My boyfriend seems to play me around. Yesterday we were mucking about with biting each other and he went to my best
mates’ house and told them all of it so that they would have a go at me, which they did. Now he's saying we need time apart. Should I dump
him help??
ANSWER: Yes. The farther you are from him, the less he will play you around.
Wizard
January 22, 2008
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We are both in our late 20's. We live 2 1/2 hours away from each other, see each
other most weekends, and speak for about an hour almost every weekday evening. Trouble is, I find I am always criticizing him and when people ask
if I love him I say I am not sure. Surely, if I loved him I would know by now? Anyway, my thoughts, when we are apart, often turn to finishing
the relationship. I thought distance was meant to make love grow stronger, but it's like when we are apart I just think it’s not worth it
and I'd probably be better off without him. I'm really stressed out with work and I hate my town. I'm unsure we have the same plans for the
future. Basically I'm unhappy but I don't know whether it’s the job, the town, or the boyfriend. I've told him I need to know the long
distance thing won't be forever, but he won't come and live with me. (But that's okay because I'm not sure I would want to go straight from
long-distance to living together).
ANSWER: If you are in love, distance is bad. But you are not in love. Yes, if you were in love, you would know it by now. And you
don’t know it, so you’re not.
Probably all three (work, the town, and your boyfriend) are contributing to your doldrums. If you can replace one of them, some of your
sadness will go away. Of the three, a distant boyfriend that you do not love is the easiest to replace.
Wizard
January 21, 2008
Question: A friend told me to submit my concern. This is a first for me, but here it goes. I am 36 and really like a guy who is 27. He has
never been married and I have been twice. He seems mature and has great interest in me. We have only been on one dinner date a month ago, but
talk all the time. The dinner was four hours of non-stop conversation. We also work together in the same department and I have to be very
discrete. I cannot afford for my co-workers or employees to sense my obvious attraction (like slurred speech and clumsiness), so I have to avoid
him at work. He understands this and we don't make it a big deal. It is not against company policy, but I think it might not be perceived well,
considering I am in a position of power and have only been divorced legally for two months. I was separated for seven months prior to the divorce
and this was not common knowledge. I am totally over the marriage, but politics are politics! I have not had sex with him because I do not want
to get dumped when he . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Whoops. Looks like the last one. He must have called again. We are happy for you. Follow your heart.
Wizard
January 21, 2008
Question: I have been hooked on this guy for months. I am separated and waiting for my papers to clear with the state. He knows I live
alone. I am older. He says this is not an issue. I do not have any problems attracting men, but do not date because it seems politically
incorrect right now. I am told often that I am attractive and am propositioned frequently. Even if I could date, I wouldn't because I am so
hooked on this guy! One problem, the contact is on primarily text. We spend everyday texting back and forth, sometimes 100 times a day! I have
convinced myself that no one in their right mind would spend that kind of time texting someone if they were not interested. Perhaps it's an
interesting way for him to pass the time? My friends say he's not that cute and I disagree. He totally does it for me!!! I am consumed! I have
made it very clear that I will not be active with him for a while. I am not the sleep around type. He says we'll just take it slow. I have even
tried to ignore him despite my interest. Does . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Unfortunately, the question is missing.
He must have called – yes, on the telephone. His live voice wafted calmly, deeply, soothingly into her head. The voice traveled
swiftly from her head down to her heart. She, feeling an overwhelming need to be near him, and being no dawdler, ran out of her house to the auto
and sped to where he lives. They melted like snowflakes, not to be seen nor heard from again. Well, at least not until break-up time.
Advice? Nuts to texting, nuts to “politically correct,” and nuts to what your friends say. Follow your heart.
Wizard
January 18, 2008
Question: my bf ignores me and we never talk and our relationship has lasted 5 years. what should i do ?
ANSWER: Five years into the relationship, you should know each other well enough to discuss your problems and solve them. You cannot happily
date a guy who ignores you. If you can’t talk it through with him, dump him.
Wizard
January 16, 2008
Question: About four and a half years ago I met this guy, Craig, and he wanted to date me but I was in no position for anything serious. I
was 23 and he was 24, and I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship that ended poorly. I was sort of spiraling out of control and not
looking for anything serious.
Four months ago, Craig and I reconnected. He was married and generally I run from those situations. I fought the attraction but got involved
anyways. About a month in, Craig left his wife and has since filed for divorce and we are still together. I have made it very clear to him that
we are not going to be moving in together anytime soon and he is very good about respecting my independence and space. I love every moment that I
spend with him and I trust him completely, which for me is a big deal.
I have never had a boyfriend that hasn't cheated on me nor have I ever been totally faithful to anyone. But with Craig, I have no desire to
lie to him or be unfaithful. He is currently getting out of the military and deciding his future, a future that may take him about 6 hours away
from me. I am supportive of it and have told him that if we can make it a year living apart that I would then move to wherever he was and we
would take it from there.
We haven't told each other we love each other yet, but I am starting to get the feeling that he is getting there and there is part of me
that thinks I might also be getting there. I have never taken so much time in a relationship to get to know someone as I have with Craig and I
love it.
Recently, I have come to realize that because of his history and a little bit to do with mine, he doesn't seem to trust me or have faith in
us. This upsets me because I trust him and have faith even though when this began it was dishonest, he was cheating on his wife. When I am with
him, I love every second I spend with him. I think that we really have a future. When I think about him I smile and I cannot shut up about him to
my friends and family. I trust him and I think he is a great guy.
Sometimes, though, I am filled with self-doubt and need reassurance about this relationship. I feel like, now that I am finally in a
relationship where I feel comfortable taking my time and where I can be myself 100% of the time, I am having doubts and I don't know why. I don't
know if it's because maybe deep down I don't trust him or if it's because I am nervous this might actually work out. I am scared and I have never
felt scared like this before.
ANSWER: One who has been unfaithful remembers how easy was and must live with the memory and bear the burden, a burden you now experience.
The burden you feel now occurs when you enter a relationship with someone you care for, maybe love, who was unfaithful in the past with a
former lover. Your memory of your own unfaithful act informs you how easy it was, and that puts anxiety on your shoulders about how easy it is
for him to be unfaithful to you, like he was before to his former lover. Because you love him, you don’t believe it. Your conscious mind
dismisses it; your subconscious mind keeps it boiling underneath. Hard to finger, hard to feel the pulse of it, hard to manage – it is
there. And he, in love with you but with the same experience and knowledge, bears the same burden.
All of this is quite natural but it can be quite destructive.
Knowing what the cause is, you both can possibly manage it. When you come to a point in your relationship when you both say you love each
other (and you say that may be coming soon), talk openly about commitment and faithfulness. If you truly love each other, the commitment of
faithfulness will be sincere. When you gain confidence in your own ability to sincerely commit and be faithful, you will gain an ability to trust
the other’s commitment of faithfulness. Your subconscious mind knows that if you can do it, so can he, and the boiling underneath will
stop.
Your mutuality of burden can help you establish a mutuality of trust.
Wizard
January 16, 2008
Question: My boyfriend is afraid of commitment. He says we're moving too fast (in two months), that he wants to look around, and won't marry
me. But he still has sex with me. What should I do?
ANSWER: For a large number of guys, sex and commitment do not mix. They want sex without commitment. He’s getting what he wants.
If you don’t want sex without commitment, stop having sex with him, because that is all he is giving you.
Wizard
January 16, 2008
Question: Hello, I’ve been going out with this boy for a long time now and I'm starting to not love him any more. Please help me. What
should I do! He said if I dumped him he would die! Oh, I'm so confused!
ANSWER: He is unfair to put pressure on you like that and he must be young and inexperienced to be so childishly sensitive. Do not make
decisions according to your boyfriend’s inadequacies. If you cave in to his sappy emotion, you’ll be stuck with him until he decides
he doesn’t want you any more – then he’ll drop you without a slightest concern because his first concern was always
himself!
Tell him you don’t want to date any more and that you are willing to be his friend. You can soften the blow by complimenting his
better qualities, but don’t let him think by doing that you are willing to re-think your decision. If you can tolerate a longer
conversation, you can spend a few sentences explaining that all dating relationships end eventually, and for most the break-up is difficult but
necessary.
He’ll grow up and be fine.
Wizard
January 11, 2008
Question: I have been dating this guy for a couple weeks and I go to school and he works. His schedule varies from day to day and I never
know when I will see him or hear from him. Most of the time, I am stuck waiting for his call, which usually comes late at night. He always says
he wants to hang out, and then he can't, and then comes and apologizes. I forgive him and it happens all over again. And sometimes he doesn't
even call to tell me he won't see me after he said he would. My question is, do I try to make it work or just move on???
ANSWER: On his list you appear down a few notches. If you don’t mind playing second (or third or fourth) fiddle, try to make it work.
If you have too much self-respect for this behavior, and want a guy to treat you special, move on.
Wizard
January 11, 2008
Question: I was living in Maryland and moved to India in April. I met a lovely guy on a fishing boat. We only spent a whole day and night
together (it got passionate). Strangely, I got feelings for him and it was mutual. He then had to return to the U.S. where he is studying and
living. I thought he would move on but we kept in touch (he'd call on average once every 2-3 weeks). We then arranged to spend 10 days holidaying
together, and this was the first time that I got on so well with a guy. There was a real connection and reciprocal feelings. It was very intense.
I am now back in Bombay and he is back in the U.S. The thing to know is that I am 35 and he is 24 (although he is very mature in his
thinking). We had talks about if it'd be possible to continue to see each other as he might be working in Singapore as of July (although nothing
is sure at this stage). In the first week after the holiday he would call almost every day. And it was decided that he would come and visit me
when I am back in the U.S. in 3 weeks . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Long distance relationships necessarily present difficulties – and inter-continental is as bad as inter-planetary dating. You
cannot avoid long periods of loneliness during which one or the other will face distracting temptations.
(Okay, the wizard knows that inter-planetary travel does not include distracting sexual temptations.)
Nothing is sure at this stage for his work or your schedules, and count on nothing sure for you at 35 with a 24 year old.
Wizard
January 10, 2008
Question: This guy has been acting real interested in me for like 4 months. I didn’t want to date him because he had been with my best
friend a while ago, but he continued to flatter me and show his interest. Well, I recently started dating him and things were going great. Then
he went to visit my best friend because he had never been up north. Now he comes back and says he has fallen for her again, and she is torn
because she actually fell for him again. I feel so betrayed by him because we were such good friends before things took a turn for the worse. Is
it wrong that I think she shouldn’t have anything to do with him? She doesn’t know what to do. They dated once when things
didn’t work out before. He is telling her everything he told me. We have been best friends for over 4 years and been through hell and back,
and I think she should have my back. I believe it’s the ultimate betrayal if she gets with him after both of us have been screwed over
already. What’s the right thing to do in this situation?
ANSWER: Your friend is torn because she wants to do the right thing and doesn’t know what that is. She recognizes she has a friendship
loyalty to you and at the same time she has an old boyfriend (who she likes again) knocking at her door.
Try not to blame her for meeting up with him and falling for him again. It happened circumstantially.
If he is right for her, would you want to take him away from her? If you are a good friend, no, you wouldn’t. If they made a mistake
when they broke up, would you want them to correct it and try again? If you aren’t selfish (wanting him for yourself), you would.
Your feeling betrayed is unjustified because she had him first – he knew her romantically before you.
Bless your best friend’s return to a dating relationship with him by greeting her with your enthusiastic support. Keep your friendship
and cheer her on. Be happy for her. If they were right to break up the first time, you won't wait long to date him, and she will bless or warn
you.
Wizard
January 8, 2008
Question: Dear Wizard, Hmm, don't know where to start really. Have been dating this guy for a couple of months and I guess he just makes me
feel like crap. We met on an online dating site, and since then he's online every day, changes his profile regularly, etc. I've asked him if he's
seeing other girls, he said no. He very rarely calls me, is very slow to answer my texts – I just feel like he's using me till he gets his
next online upgrade! Am I being a mental or should I trust my instincts?
ANSWER: You are not being mental. Trust your instincts.
Wizard
January 8, 2008
Question: My boyfriend is 14 and I am almost 18. We had been dating 3 days and he told me that he loved me. Now he is telling all my friends
that I’m the one. The only problem is that I like him but I don’t feel as strongly for him that he feels for me. What do I do?
ANSWER: Only three days into the relationship, you are free to handle this almost any way you want. He is only fourteen and does not have
your experience, but he is knowledgeable enough to know that dating is temporary and that his life ahead is full of other girls to date. His
youth makes him resilient and adaptive. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings; he’ll get over them and move on to someone else.
Be honest with him. Tell him that you don’t feel as strongly for him as he feels for you. Tell him you like him, but don’t want
him to think that you are “the one.”
Your experiences will improve dating guys your age.
Wizard
January 7, 2008
Question: I don’t like this kid, but he is in love with me and I am only 10. What should I do?
ANSWER: If you don’t like him, don’t date him. Whether he loves you or not does not matter. You don’t like him. That is
all that matters.
Wizard
January 7, 2008
Question: I am dating a guy who is slightly younger than me. In many ways I adore him totally. He is for the most part respectful, caring,
mature, adoring, and chivalrous. We have many things in common including our interests (I am an artist; he is a publisher, etc.) We have similar
goals for the future. He has taken an interest in my family and friends and I enjoy his as well. All around I find him interesting, intelligent,
and very admirable as a person. There is one thing, however: The emotional presence of his ex-girlfriend.
We have been dating for a few months and before we started seeing each other exclusively I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He responded
that he was not in a relationship but there was someone who would be very hurt by our starting to date. He explained that he had been on and off
with someone for a long time and that they had officially stopped dating about 2 months before (at which point she moved back to her home city
about 3 hours away by plane).
He was very clear that he did not have any monogamous ties or feelings other than friendship left for this girl. She was his first long
relationship. As time has progressed he has for the most part been very up front about their communication. He is more than willing to talk to me
about their relationship and is the first one to really dig deep and ask how I feel about it or any other relationship matter. He was the one who
wanted us to date exclusively.
At a certain point, however, we were going to sleep after 1 a.m. and she called. I was surprised and asked how often they speak. He said
about every 2 or 3 days. Apparently, she is going through something personal and difficult that doesn't involve him and she has no support
network since they broke up and she moved. He said if it was really a problem for me he would tell me what her private matter was. Given their
recent involvement, he feels compelled to not "leave her out in the cold" and requested patience on my part. I mentioned that I didn't
enjoy being put in the position to have to ask about her private matters, that I was surprised that he was in such close contact, and that I felt
it was inappropriate that she called at that hour.
About a week later she called again at 3 a.m. and I got very upset. Later in a quiet moment I explained that I felt it was unacceptable that
she feels she can call at any hour and that he does not protect me from situations like this no matter how innocent his intentions, and that he
should be distancing himself from her at this point. He agreed that it was inappropriate for her to call at that hour, but stood firm that he was
going to be there for her in her hour of need as he would be with me in a similar situation.
Because he has consistently been up front about their relationship -- she was the one calling him at that hour, not vice versa -- and she is
physically distant, I gave him patience, but very warily.
A few days later (only a couple of days before I left for the holidays for a month), I heard him call her from the bathroom while he thought
I was asleep one morning. I heard him say, "Where have you been? You haven't called for a few days." Other than that I didn't catch any
mushy talk, but it was clear HE was the one seeking HER out. At that point I decided I couldn't talk to him about it again. He does not know I
heard him.
Later that same day I walked into his room he was on the phone speaking in a low voice and looking sheepish. I chose not to fly into a fit
of rage but to think carefully about the situation over my vacation. I worry that if I accept this behavior and continue to see him, I will
become a jealous, oppressive girlfriend.
My questions are. Do you think there is any chance with time his relationship with his ex will fade? Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Would I be a fool not to break it off the next time I see him? Where does the line get drawn with exes?
ANSWER: Here is the obvious unanswered question: Does his ex know about his relationship with you? If he has failed to tell her, she is not
out of line calling at those hours when he doesn’t discourage it. If he has informed her, they are both out of line. Read on.
If he is indeed chivalrous (your description), he might be helping her out on something entirely innocent. When he asked why she
hasn’t called, he may have expected a call on a matter critical only to her, and he could have been genuinely concerned about learning the
details of the success or lack of success of the advice he gave her.
Regardless, he remains too entangled with her. If he has informed her about his relationship with you, give him time to apply
“finishing touches” to the artful demise of his old affair. More patience might be appropriate.
Be sure, however, that he is ending the affair, not prolonging it with chivalry. She needs to find a local knight. Having been told about you,
she is out of line calling at those hours and that often. He is out of line by not finishing the task of ending the relationship. It
must officially end, not just the dating.
The wizard suspects, unfortunately, that he has not told her about you. Their dating may have “officially stopped” when she
moved, but the relationship survives. You penned it well when you said, “There is one thing. The emotional presence of his
ex-girlfriend.”
The answers to your specific questions depend enormously on the factual truth of whether he informed his ex about his relationship with you.
If he has not told her:
Do you think there is any chance with time his relationship with his ex will fade? NO. Am I making too big a deal out of this? NO. Would I
be a fool not to break it off the next time I see him? YES.
If he has told her, the following answers apply, provided he is seriously committed to ending the relationship for good:
Do you think there is any chance with time his relationship with his ex will fade? YES. Am I making too big a deal out of this? NO. Would I
be a fool not to break it off the next time I see him? NO.
Your last question: Where does the line get drawn with exes?
The line to be drawn with exes is this: A broad stroke of “no more.” That means a clear, unmistakable line ending the
relationship, past which no ex dares to maneuver. You (and he!) should have that protection. Exes are not ghosts allowed to haunt a new
relationship. Exes are history – lessons learned – past glories or mistakes – all spent and discarded within or without
one’s memory, and never a current burden to an existing relationship.
If he has not informed her about his relationship with you, he has not effectively dumped her, and his failure is bad for you (for obvious
reasons) and bad for her (because his chivalry only prolongs the hurt and pain of an old break-up). If he has informed her, he needs to finish
the job of ending the relationship – and your patience may be necessary for him to do it with some finesse (some, because he lacks finesse
right now).
Wizard
January 7, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating Joe for about 2 months and 2 weeks. In the beginning we always had fun. We rushed into the relationship
quickly but only because I felt something there, and he became very jealous of me. And I liked that. He called me beautiful, sexy, and princess.
(I hate being called that, but he still called me that name because that’s how he felt about me). And for Christmas, I wanted to show him
how much I cared for him, so I spent about $500 on him for clothes. I chose everything out. He became ecstatic and we were fine for the next
week. Soon he made a choice to move 5 hours away for a month for a job. My father lives about 30 minutes from where he is staying, so I came down
a week after he did. We've seen each other rarely, and I now feel he is unappreciative. He hasn't paid for anything except for our 1st month
anniversary dinner. We started arguing because we were so used to seeing each other all the time and that now it’s rough. He hasn’t
bought me any presents since the first week we dated. And the other day, he calls me and asked me to go on a double date with him. We go to see a
movie, but he wanted to watch a scary movie and I have a problem with that. I cannot sleep after watching something that spooks me and I told him
that, but he still forced me into watching it. After a very long and stressful argument, I gave in. But he is into doing drugs and I hate drugs.
While we were in the theater he decides to do a whip it. It was a shock for me because I didn’t expect that from him. A few days later, he
promised to see me and then he broke that promise. He later told me that if he is to drive for longer than 5 minutes, he wasn’t going to
drive. What do i do? All my friends tell me to leave him but I still feel that there is unfinished business. Do I leave him or do I stay?
ANSWER: No unfinished business needs doing. Your friends are right to advise you to leave him.
Wizard
January 6, 2008
Question: I really like this guy who is an old schoolmate. He didn’t know I had a crush on him then, though I may have given away some
clues. But when I moved away for some years and went back for a visit, I met him again, and this time he asked me out. I rejected him at first
because I didn't want a long distance relationship and I didn’t think he was serious because before that he asked me if I would sleep with
him and I said no, which stayed like that. But I don’t know how he managed to twist my arm but somehow we met up and saw each other and are
kind of "going out" now. But the thing is, I returned home from my visit, so we don’t actually get to see each other at all. He
used to call me and tell me he loved me, though I never said it back to him. I really, really like him, but I’m not sure if it is love. Now
he's stopped calling because I think he is fed up. When I try not to call him at call for like a month, because he doesn’t call, then
finally when I call him he gets excited and says he misses me. But I am like “whatever, so why didn’t you call me then?” I know
he’s tried calling like once a month but I don’t pick up and don’t return the calls because he only ever tries once or twice.
The problem is, most of the time when I call him he tells me to call him later. He’s busy. He’s in town so there’s too much
noise. Or there ain’t reception so he can’t hear me. He doesn’t give me what time to call him back and he never calls back when
he gets home till another day when I decide to call again. I'm always thinking of him, though, and I get sad and all moody and can't concentrate
on anything else. My friends all tell me to get out of it because long distance stuff doesn’t work out. I am confused. I don’t know
what to do.
ANSWER: Your friends are right. Long distance relationships do not work out unless the dating couple finds solutions to long distance dating
problems, like communication, and miraculously maintain the intensity of their relationship. Most of these relationships wither away for one
reason or another. You will find that almost all such relationships that survive do so only because the couple gets back together
geographically.
It also helps to start with intensity from the beginning when the couple is together, before distance becomes a hurdle. In your case the
intensity never really started.
Wizard
January 6, 2008
Question: I liked this guy, but as soon as my friends knew it, they convinced him to ask me out. Now everyone smothers me in "Danny
this, Danny that" and it’s annoying. Plus, as soon as I started seeing him, a million other people want to get with me. Guys
I’ve liked since . . . forever. I know I should, but everyone would be mad at me. What do I do?
ANSWER: You know you should dump him? Then do it. Never make your decision based on what others think, unless you know they know something
you don’t know that matters. You know enough – that is, you aren’t so interested in Danny. Dump him and be happy.
If any of your friends are so sure about him, they can go out with him.
Wizard
January 6, 2008
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for only two months, and everything was going so well! We could not get enough of each other. He
told me he loved me after the first month. Now, I am completely not into it. Everything he does annoys me. I cringe when he touches me. I feel
horrible, because he is a wonderful guy. What do I do?
ANSWER: You can’t be in love with every wonderful guy. The wonderful guys you date who don’t inspire you to love will be dumped.
That is all. You must take the initiative to dump him.
When you dump him, don’t tell him you cringe when he touches you. Don’t tell him he annoys you. He doesn’t need the
criticism. He does need to know, however, that you want the dating to end.
Wizard
January 4, 2008
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and we just had a baby six months ago. He really loves me, but I don't
love him. What should I do?
ANSWER: He is the father of your baby. Try to love him, because he should be a big part of your life while the child is growing up. Be
thankful he loves you.
Here is what you should do. Be supportive of every thing he does to love and support your child. The loving relationship your child
enjoys with him will help your child develop into a happy, healthy, secure, and confident young adult
If you find it impossible to stay with him in a relationship, you will find someone else to be your romantic partner. But, whatever you do,
do not allow the second relationship to impair or interfere with a happy, productive relationship between your child and the father.
Wizard
January 2, 2008
Question: There is a married man who "says" he is "in love with me." I am single. Younger. All the typicals. He says his
wife is cold and they have not been intimate for 30 years. If he happens to touch her leg accidentally while in bed, she jerks hers away in a
huff. I am very loving, cute, and fun. He will never leave his wife, and I do not want him to. But, there is definitely a "getting your cake
and eating it too" situation going on for him. I feel he should be more obligated to me in some way.
ANSWER: This is a dead-end relationship for you. So long as he stays with his wife, what can he give you? More attention? No. Money?
Probably, but even that will be limited (and if it weren’t, would all the money in the world be enough?).
You are right that this is a “getting your cake and eating it too” situation. He enjoys all the benefits; you choke on all the
detriments.
The bottom line for you is that no future exists in this relationship. It will end without a happy ending. Move on to a single guy who dotes
on you as his first and only focus of attention.
Wizard
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