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January 30, 2006
Question: I've tried letting go of this loser because he says he's "working" on another relationship with another woman and he's treated me like s___. He barely even gave me or us a chance. But every time I let go, 2-3 weeks later something reminds me of him and I want to talk with him and see him. I know he's not working on the relationship with anyone, (he has to learn to not love himself quite so much) and he just wants to control her. But I can't forget him. These moments of weakness and vulnerability are tearing me and my life apart. Help!
ANSWER: You’ve come a long way. Think about it – you’ve got him properly labeled, you’ve dumped him, and you recognize your weakness and vulnerability. Many girls can’t get that far without a whole lot of wizardry (the wizard’s help), and you’ve done it on your own!
Now for the question. You’re still hooked on the fishing line. You need to cut it and swim away. Easier said than done, right?
Your weakness and vulnerability are real. You might need a counselor’s help to rid yourself of them– but maybe not.
Here is a strategy that can work. Start dating other guys immediately, even if just for one date, but keep dating frequently. Do not compare your date’s good or worst qualities with your “loser” – just date. Enjoy good times and get out of bad times. Readily and swiftly dump anyone with whom you have a bad (or even just a so-so) time.
You will accumulate a wealth of information that will interfere with what makes you feel weak and vulnerable.
You will gain confidence and strength, and a well-honed sense of what works for you in a guy. Believe it or not, in addition to that, this will also help you look back with a new and clearer perspective.
In time, you will lose the sense of weakness and vulnerability that you have now. Try it.
Wizard
January 30, 2006
Question: I have this guy that I really do like but he lives in another town 6 hours away from me. i know his parents and his sister is my age and we were best friends in lower school, so he comes down here often and to top it all he is my brother’s friend.
Now since last mid-year we went out but he didnt want anyone to know because he is 5 years older than me and it would just be weird if anyone knew. when he came here, we would go to his holiday house about an hour away from here and spend a night there or so but the thing is we broke up and then when he came again i saw him and asked if he had a girlfriend and he said yes. but that didnt stop us from having some sexual fun but he is still with her and im a little upset that he says he wants to be with me but then he stays with her. we always do something behind someone’s back when he is here and it’s always an on and off thing between us. i want to be his one and only but like him too much to end it off completely!!! Should i or shouldnt i? We do like each other.
ANSWER: He’s got all the fun and you’re left holding the baggage.
If this were a healthy relationship, nothing would be behind anyone’s back.
You said it: “it would just be weird if anyone knew.” It’s not just the age difference.
No human being (and you are one, if you need to be reminded) should allow another to treat her like an old wrap of cloth to dirty and discard at will, and allow herself to be deceived by sweet words heard in a snake’s breath.
You should. Dump him, that is.
Wizard
January 29, 2006
Question: I am in love with my boyfriend and we do live together. However, he is very selfish and I feel like I am the one always compromising what I really want to do to make him happy, and that is so not like me. I am beginning to get bored and depressed, but feel like I have nowhere else to go. He doesn't really seem to care either when I try to talk to him about it, yet he will then later kiss up to me, when he knows that I am starting to get sick of it.
ANSWER: A boyfriend you live with should (no, must) be more attentive. Your description makes one wonder if this guy has enough man in him to sit up, let alone stand up.
He kisses up to you when he wants some loving, which he might not deserve. And if you let yourself fall for that, well, you need some wise words from some wise old women you might know. If you don’t know any, try reading some of the wizard’s answers.
The wizard sees only one answer to everything (except for one thing) said in this entry: Dump him.
The one exception is that you love him. You put that in the first sentence. That could turn the wizard’s advice upside down (but it does not change the wizard’s assessment of your boyfriend’s performance). You need to examine that love real carefully. If you love him, you can try to develop sufficient patience for your boyfriend to muster up some manliness (the loving, attentive kind), but don’t wait until you’ve grown too old to enjoy it.
Wizard
January 28, 2006
Question: there's a guy that strings a girl along.....he likes the thrill of the chase, but as soon as he spends time with her, he's not available for the next 3 weeks.
ANSWER: So? Who’s chasing who?
Wizard
January 28, 2006
Question: Hi! To make a long story short: The guy in question here has shacked up with me for 9 years. I want to dump but I'm hesitating because I'm afraid if I kick him out he or his relatives will talk dirt about me behind my back. The guy hasn't worked in about 10 years. He says God told him to walk off his job, 10 years ago. He owes thousands to child support (previous relationship) and IRS, etc.
I felt sorry for him 10 years ago because he was pitiful, homeless, and said if I didn't want to take him in (for 'three weeks, just until he got on his feet') then he would just go sleep on the courthouse stairs or on the rocks down by the lake. Well, I work hard in the factory all day and support him totally. Recently, he made a comment about my grown daughter (by previous marriage) as being a 'fat, ugly it" and that I was the 'thing' that gave birth to her. I know, I know...pretty bad guy, huh? He also said he 'preferred women who were younger than me' for romance.
Sooooo, my question is: Should I dump even though he will probably gossip to his relatives about me. I don't want to be labeled as the 'bad person' who was 'mean' to him and threw him out in the cold. I asked him to leave August 1st, but he begged for 'three more weeks' to find a place. It is now January. Also, how do I dump---he keeps asking for 'more time'. Thanks for any help and advice!
ANSWER: Holy schmoly – this is a work-out in a smelly attic!
You know the answer to your question. Yes, he must be dumped, and should have been dumped 9 years ago as soon as you started your motherly-feeling-sorry schtick.
You are a good person – too good for your own good.
His relatives have already labeled you as a schmuck, so don’t worry about that. He’s a mooch of the first order, and it’s the only thing he is first in.
Tell him he and all his things (which isn’t much) must go to the shelter and fix a date not too far into the future, like maybe three days. He should spend the next three days finding a shelter. Tell him he goes whether he found a place or not. If he doesn’t go, call the police.
If that doesn’t work, call a lawyer and get him out for good. He is no good for you, and you are no good for yourself so long as you allow this mooch to stay. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. Worry more about what they think.
Wizard
January 28, 2006
Question: he treats me like im just a trophy girlfriend, to make him look good. but when we are alone he doesnt care about me.
ANSWER: Dump him, Dump him. If you like being a trophy girlfriend, you have discovered it is not enough.
Wizard
January 27, 2006
Question: i been dating this guy for three years and he is younger than i am. he does nothing to help me out. When I ask if he can help me with a bill he is always broke. i have 3 kids and never let them see him because i dont see this relationship going anywhere. what do you think, should i dump him?
ANSWER: Yes, because if he is not worthy enough for your kids, he must not be worthy enough for you.
Wizard
January 22, 2006
Question: i have a bf. i loved him 2 bits but i dont feel nothing for him no more. i changed my hair style recently and his mates didnt like it. They were sayin stuff bout me and he didnt stop them. i was a bit upset.
ANSWER: If you’re still upset, then dump him – but it sounds to the wizard like you still care for him 2 bits.
Why don’t you talk it over with him in a nice way – like maybe in a romantic way – and see how he responds. If he’s not responsive in a way you like, it’s up to you whether you try again. But if he continues to disappoint you, toss him in the bin.
Or, if the wizard is wrong and you really do not like him any more, then there is no mystery – you know what you should do.
Wizard
January 21, 2006 - as amended on January 25, 2006
Question: i have been in a relation ship for a year and i dont want to be with him now more cause i like another guy. how do i dump him after a really long relationship?
ANSWER: Unfortunately, not even the most masterful wizard can concoct one answer for all who need to dump someone after a long-term relationship. Too many answers are true at least some of the time with at least some people. Among all the possible answers, the wizard cannot divine which answer is best for you because you have given too few details.
The one detail you give is that you like another guy. That is a sufficient reason for a dump if you like the other guy more than the one you’ve dated for so long. Assuming that to be a fact, honesty is the best policy as the wiz-bangs say, and you are no exception. Just tell him and get it over.
[Amendment on January 25, 2006: Forgive the wizard for another new use of a word. The wizard knows that a “whiz-bang” is something successful or effective – but in the wizard’s lexicon, “wiz-bang” is one who bangs out platitudes as a wizard who knows everything, but who really knows very little. Many wiz-bangs exist in our world, and some of their statements are correct most of the time, but the wiz-bangs ignore or have no knowledge of the exceptions.]
Sometimes the anxiety of not doing it and wondering what is the best way to do it is more troubling than actually getting the deed done.
You might be so brave as to buy a certificate (heh, heh) and have our people send it to him. That will break the ice, if there is any.
Wizard
January 19, 2006
Question:
Dear Wizard,
My story is a bit complicated, but I’ll try to make it as short as possible.
I've been dating my boyfriend since last year April (it was a rocky road from the beginning!)
-He was 27 and I was 17
-His ex-girlfriend cheated and dumped him (he was heartbroken , but I found out later because he motioned her often)
-He was starting a business so he was very busy
-My family was against the relationship, so everything I had to do secretly
-He had a son with this 42 year old lady, who helped him with everything because he cant read and write Dutch. The only thing is she doesn’t want him to date anyone because of her son seeing other women.
But I still cared for him and did everything in my power to stay with him, after all I love him
(We had sex in the first week we met, he wanted it so much and I was a virgin). In the beginning he was talking about marriage, but on the other hand he was making negative predictions like: when you leave me...., or when we break-up I want to stay friends.
1. But I mean if you love someone you wouldn’t make these predictions would you?
This year (2006) started off fine. He wanted to marry me with words so we did that and he gave me this golden chain, but this week he started again -but this time saying horrible things- like:
- I am a type of man that gets nothing from women
-No woman can catch me
- I am not going to marry you
- Later when you are married you can call me to sometimes sleep with you
-The women in this country are nothing for me I am going to marry in my birthplace.
I was heartbroken and sad, when I asked him did you know this all along with your ex-girlfriend he said, no I learned this from experience. But he still claims that he loves me.
So my questions to you Wizard are:
2. Should I dump this schizophrenic guy?
3. Was he using me from the beginning?
4. Is this love?
5. He also has a picture of him together with his ex-girlfriend on top of the TV, but it is covered by another picture, what is the meaning of that? And isn’t this humiliating for me?
I’m new concerning this whole love thing so please help me out!!
Thanks in advance
ANSWER: The wizard welcomes the opportunity to answer your five questions. One: A person in love with his date would not make these predictions. Either he is a fatalist (expects an early end to everything, even if he doesn’t want it) or he is intending to end it. The wizard suspects the latter to be true. Two: Yes. Three: Yes. Four: No. Five: He still harbors affection for the ex-girlfriend, and will hide those feelings from you. This is the simplistic answer and good enough. Yes, it is humiliating for you.
Move on to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Note: You can give so much in a relationship to another who can give back to you so much – which makes dating an enjoyable and fulfilling experience. You need this. Good luck, and the wizard wishes you well.
Wizard
January 17, 2006
Question: should i dump my guy for being a complete and total >>> hole all the time??
ANSWER: Of course.
Wizard
January 15, 2006
Question: my boyfriend hasnt come too see me in 4 days since he got paid should i dump him
ANSWER: If that is what you want to do.
Wizard
January 15, 2006
Question: my boyfriend of almost 3 months seems to really like me. but I dont really like him any more. i dont no whether i should dump him or not. can u please help me?????
ANSWER: Based on what is written in your question, the answer is obvious. If you don’t like him, you should not be dating. Dump him.
Wizard
January 13, 2006
Question: I have been dating this boy for 2 months. we really do like each other, but i have strong feelings for his best friend. i don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him. Please help me. --desperate girl
ANSWER: That is a nasty problem. Can one get too greedy in relationships? Well, perhaps, but dating is a tough world at times.
Go for it. Does your current boyfriend’s best friend warm up to you? Are you getting signals that he may be interested? If so, see how the best friend feels about dating you as one who is (or was) dating his best friend. This is important to try to avoid the double dump mentioned at the end of this answer.
If the new boyfriend (not the current one) is positive about it, and all goes well, you can tell your current beau that he is a great friend, but you’d like to date someone else, and you hope he understands. He may already have an idea about who your new boyfriend is. If he asks, you should be honest. If he does not ask, you should tell him.
The new boyfriend, if he is a good friend, should be able to carry the ball some distance and help things out by having his own “talk” with your current boyfriend.
It will all work out if everyone is made of good character. If someone is not made of good character, you will find that out, and you will avoid dating him anyway. Beware of the possibility that both of them will dump you. But the world will not end in any dump, and nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Wizard
January 12, 2006
Question: ok i dumped my boyfriend and my friends say he still likes me. i told him i wanted 2 b friends still, but now he acts like a jerk 2 me and yet continuously tells my friends hes still not ovr me. wat's 2 do?
ANSWER: Did you want to dump him? If yes, then consider him dumped. If you’re changing your mind, reinvigorate the relationship. But if he treats you like a jerk, don’t go back to that relationship, no matter what he tells your friends.
Wizard
January 11, 2006
Question: i been going out with this guy for almost 2 weeks and i don't think i can like him. He’s a sweetie always takes me out but hes not my type. i wanna break up with him but i don't wanna hurt him and i like another guy. but i don't know if Dan would ever like me. Should i break up with my boyfriend, or cheat? i don't know HELP ME
ANSWER: No need to cheat. You’ve been going out with this guy for only two weeks, you don’t think you can like him, he’s not your type, and you like another guy. That’s four good reasons for you to make a decision and act on it. Dump him and go out with the other guy you like.
Don’t worry about hurting him. If he hasn’t learned yet, he needs to learn that getting dumped sometimes hurts, but it is how we learn more about who is the right date, and getting dumped is normal and to be expected.
Wizard
January 8, 2006
Question: I got married at age 19 and started having kids 1 year later. Now I am divorced after 13 years (due to an idiot cheating! him of course). Anyway for the past 14 months I have been exclusively with a guy that I love very much. The chemistry is awesome, the sex unbelievable and the friendship comforting and safe. The problem is that he is completely wrong for me. He has no future or ambition. He is 13 years younger than me.
The age difference does not really bother either of us, but I guess it explains his inability to help me see hope in the future. He has little interest in being part of my 3 children's lives, but loves me so much it hurts. Neither of us really "want" to break up but he feels as well as I do that someone else would be better for me and my kids. I just don't know what to do. I kind of want to find someone to make me forget about him so that it won't hurt so much, but part of me just can't put my "all" into trying to meet someone else because I am a loyal person. What should I do?
ANSWER: Your practical side is fighting with your desire-for-love side. It’s a tough battle, and neither side always wins.
You are correct that your relationship has no future. He will dump you – the inevitable dump – if you do not dump him.
At his age he will feel more impatient over time. At your age, and after having been married, you will feel you have some time to enjoy the relationship.
Just remember he will find someone else sooner or later. If you can tolerate the loss when he dumps you, you’ll be okay. If you will not tolerate such a dump very well, you should let your practical side win out.
Wizard
Note: The following January 2, 2006 question stumped the wizard. More time than usual passed before answering it (and the other questions that followed) because it required thought in areas outside of the wizard’s realm of brilliance. The wizard could have dodged the question, but chose not to.
January 2, 2006
Question: Okay, here is the deal. I know you must get a lot of dumb questions from girls simply because they can't tell if a guy likes them. Guys aren't so good with the vocals, and sorry to say, but that is exactly why i'm here too. I like this guy who happens to be 3 years my senior (i'm 17, he is 20). He is the brother of a friend of mine. She told me he saw a picture of me and asked (has been begging her for weeks) to set us up. Our first date was a double movie date with his sis/my friend and i think things went rather well. By the way his
name is Hank and hers is Helena. Since then we have gone out once more to the movies, once i just went to chill at his house and another to a party he had (this is the most recent and brings me to my dilemma). While at the party I may have gotten a little drunk. He drank some too, but i don't think he got nearly as intoxicated as I did. Now normally I am a shy girl, but as with most girls alcohol... shall i say... changes me. So one thing leads to another and somehow we didn't have sex, which now when I look back on was one of the best decisions I ever made, both drunk or sober. I think that it would
be better for us to wait a little longer to have sex, get to know each other better. Do you agree? Do you think it would strengthen our relationship should we develop one and have him respect me more? And if so when do you think would be a good time to do so? Please don't give the same "all couples are unique" stuff and we should "have sex when we're ready". I know this already, but you know my precise situation so hopefully you can give me as direct an answer as possible. Thanks for all your help.
ANSWER: Read this whole message. Read it completely and carefully, because the wizard does indeed graciously answer your question directly.
The wizard agrees that sex is a healthy ingredient to a mature and loving relationship. On this the wizard speaks in full confidence.
You ask whether it is better to wait a little longer to have sex, get to know each other better. You are 17 and he is 20, and you have had one double date at the movies and perhaps three or four more dates. The answer is that you should wait much longer to have sex, because sex is not an essential ingredient to a new relationship between people your age. It creates a great risk to your emotional health and requires serious thought on questions of abstinence and contraception.
Sex strengthens a relationship only when it is one of several parts of a mature, loving, healthy relationship. The wizard can fill a large volume with a more complete description of all the parts necessarily involved, but cannot do that here. It will take time and experience for you to determine the amount of success you have with this date in all the parts necessary to reach a truly mature, loving, and healthy relationship. It is not likely that you are anywhere close this quick.
As for respect – he had better respect you completely before you have sex. You do not earn respect with sex. If you feel at any time, or if he pressures you to feel at any time, that you must have sex to earn his respect, you are encountering a huge danger sign. Do not have sex to earn his respect – that is a dumb move.
Now, you must know if you have read this site at all, the wizard proclaims no expertise in sex. The wizard’s wisdom is filled with a sound and well-founded expertise in dumping and getting dumped. Sex, or lack of it, can indeed contribute to one’s desire to dump, but the timing of sex is well out of the wizard’s recognized brilliance.
All the wizard can add to the above, while remaining sincere on the subject, and in keeping with the wizard’s beneficence and good will to all who seek advice, is this: Generally speaking, people use sex in two ways. One way is to use it as play, a fun thing. The other is to use it as a component of an expression of one’s love for another. Sex before marriage is dangerous because it can result in pregnancy. Sex at young ages or by the inexperienced is dangerous because it creates confusing messages in the mind and body, all manageable in time as one grows more mature or more experienced, but the damage caused can be permanent. Healthy sex can be a good thing, but it can deal a death blow to a relationship and to one’s emotional health. So – beware – caution is the word.
If any sliver of doubt exists in your mind about doing it, drunk or sober, insane or sane, lustful or just bored, masochistic or in love with one’s self, do not do it. We all mature and grow and develop and improve over time. Time is on our side. Over time, the doubt will go away, and then is the right time.
Wizard
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