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February 25, 2009
Question: Dear Wiz, This is an addendum to my question posted this morning. It is a letter I wrote in response to his defense letter re: porn.
“The email you sent seemingly is mostly about you. You were the first person to say ‘disgusting.’ The thought ‘disgusting’ or attacks against you really isn’t how I remember it nor how I felt. I don't think it is disgusting. I just do not like the way it makes ME feel. My first thought was feeling insulted, neglected, rejected, ugly, not enough, inadequate, used goods, and perhaps old. YES, MY INSECURITIES!!!!! MINE baby!
“Can you believe it? Do you care? Did or have you ever said a thing to put them at bay? Did you ever address any one of those above words? That’s okay. I can read the message. Is this all about you? Remember the story you told me about the girlfriend who admitted to ****** * ***** **** ** *** ***** you asked and it kind of ‘changed the way you felt’ after that? Well, I could say the same. Big turn off, yes? I let on from the VERY start – if you can recall, that I figured you had an affinity for sex, sexual content, women, porn, swinging, etc. I said the words many times. What you are telling me is not anything I didn’t already know.
“But now that I have invested a lot of myself, time and other things, I don't want to worry about where you draw the line. After all, your record on the online dating site that I so criminally broke into was evidence enough that it’s just not ****** it – it’s finding it, getting it, having it. And, yes, I turned the other cheek. Now I am not belittling your ‘issue,’ but what I do doubt ( because I haven’t been made to feel any more secure by you) is that it doesn't end there. Your profile clearly reads where and when you can be found. You've contacted women by the dozens, including my own sister. LOL. I am afraid you are consumed in your world.
“Yes, I enjoy you very much. But there comes a time when you start to care about someone, that you have to decide how much time and energy you are going to invest in one person I have invested in you, but I am smart enough to know when giving becomes counter productive. Giving becomes enabling, giving becomes martyrdom, giving becomes a curse. Giving makes you a fool.
“The smallest gestures can mean the world, such as acknowledgement, a word, a sentence. Do you know that gestures can be free? Yes, free, and yes, thank you for fixing my sink and putting together my contraption, and making dinners. Thank you, that was a nice gesture. (Get it?) And know this – I don’t expect to feel secure with you. It would come naturally if it were IN you to make me feel that way. I CAN ACCEPT THAT WITHOUT BASHING YOU ABOUT IT. Either it’s there or it’s not. It’s cool.
“We have been together long enough that I know you are only so deep, and that is okay. I have lived in the moment all my life. Never plan for the future, think ahead, etc. Perhaps now my age tells me it is time to look ahead, because, believe me, you do wake up one day and know that ‘10 years have got behind you.’ Get ready – you’ll see. I want to feel secure with a man. I want to feel pretty, desirable (and not just for sex!). I want someone to look at me genuinely deep inside and see what makes me tick. I want someone to make the effort to eradicate all doubt. I want to be the only girl in the room when we are together. I want someone to want to know what MY favorite songs are.
“Conclusion – I don’t think you feel it and that is okay. But someone has to realize it. You just don’t want to realize it. You don’t want to go there. It’s not convenient or in your best interest right now. I am a safe haven for you, filled with care, affection, validation, convenience, and an outlet for your libido. I do not want to be another Karen. I am sorry . . . . YOU CANNOT PARK HERE. I know when to say enough is enough. I am salvaging my courage and my self esteem to go out and date. I mean date, NOT ****, like I have never before. I want something deeper than just a ****. I don't want a temporary best friend. I know I am going to have to search to find it, and I must do it while I still have it in me to do so. AND MAY THE BEST MAN WIN. Damn it. I am sorry if this hurts you – it hurts me too. But it’s time to keep it real.”
He has not offered any reassurance. He has only played the victim – that I am not being fair. He wants me to validate that it is over. I have not responded to his query. Yes, I may have answered my own question but would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.
ANSWER: Lots of substance in that letter. He is not a victim and shouldn’t be treated like one. He’ll get along fine with or without you.
You put it well when you said, “I want someone to eradicate all doubt.” Yes, establish a relationship in which you invest yourself with full confidence and feel validated and appreciated one hundred percent of the time. You will have to search to find it, but you are way not too old, and you are stepping up, proudly, to make it real.
The best to you.
Wiz
February 25, 2009
Question: Boyfriend of 4 months stays at my house a lot. We had just had good sex downstairs. He went upstairs to the office to finish some work on the computer. I decided to lay in bed and watch TV (next door to office). Heard a few moans, walked into office, and he is ************ to porn online. I felt insulted to say the least. He has admitted to a "problem in this area."
He has not attempted to put any of my insecurities from this incident at bay – he only has defended himself and accused me of being unfair and blowing it out of proportion. I am 44 and he is 35. He has an affinity for sexual content. I did not get angry that night. I expressed only how inadequate, insulted, ugly, etc. it made me feel. I don't believe I have time for this ____. Thanks for your time wiz.
ANSWER: His sexual appetite is active and almost ten years younger. You turned him on and he was ready for more. Feel good that you put him into the mood.
If you still feel inadequate, talk with him more about what he enjoys. At your ages both of you should be capable of adjusting your sexual habits sufficiently in creative ways to fulfill your needs very well.
Wiz
February 24, 2009
Question: How do I let my boy friend down easily and dump him?
ANSWER: Usually, if the relationship stays alive past the time when one of you wants out of it, it grows insidiously worse for the one who wants in.
The best thing to do is to end it swiftly and clearly so you don’t mislead him into thinking it is not over. At the same time, no need exists to make it harder for him. Don’t criticize him or tell him what was wrong. Give him a compliment, like “It was fun” or “You’re a great guy.” If he says something like “Then why are you ending it?” Just tell him you have to move on and date someone else. If he wants to know who, say, “I don’t know.” This should be enough. If he persists, be firm, and tell him this is not up for debate.
Good luck.
Wiz
February 22, 2009
Question: Okay, so I already dumped the guy but I need to know if I was being a complete b****. I recently dumped my boyfriend (we'll call him V) for his younger brother (we'll call him D). So now D and I are together and V just found out today. (D is a little younger then me by 1 year.) But when V finds out, he texts me really, really angrily (he kind of has a reason to be . . . right?). The text calls me a b****. Was I completely wrong or is V over-reacting?
ANSWER: Perhaps you exercised a smidgen of indiscretion, dating the guy’s younger brother. You could have picked someone unrelated, of course. If your intent was to hurt him or make him angry, that is a b****. If you were just a bit flighty, or airy, or just not thinking, well no, you’re not a b****, just flighty, or airy, or something like that.
Your boyfriend’s brother has some explaining to do.
Wiz
February 15, 2009
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He says he does not want to marry me yet. My parents know about him and think its time I settle down or move on. He hasn’t even told his parents about me yet, only his sister and brother know. Should I dump him?
ANSWER: You’ve dated him for five years and have not met his parents. Do not marry him, for sure. Have you asked him about his parents? Haven’t you had the opportunity to be at some kind of social gathering at his home? Unless you have prevented it, he has miserably dropped the ball in keeping you out of his family life. Dump him? Probably.
Wiz
February 12, 2009
Question: My man friend and I have been together for around four years (sorry). We will never marry or even live together because neither of us think it would work. He recently applied for a job in Antarctica! (We are Australian). If he gets it he could be gone for a year. He says I am being unreasonable because I think it shows he is uncommitted to our relationship and that he'll be back, chance of a lifetime, etc. I think I should dump him. Your views?
ANSWER: The same views. Just more surprise at the length of the relationship, if you both agree that you will never marry or even live together.
Wiz
February 12, 2009
Question: My man friend and I have been together for around a year. We will never marry or even live together because neither of us think it would work. He recently applied for a job in Antarctica! (We are Australian). If he gets it he could be gone for a year. He says I am being unreasonable because I think it shows he is uncommitted to our relationship and that he'll be back, chance of a lifetime, etc. I think I should dump him. Your views?
ANSWER: If neither of you think it will work, so much so that you agree marriage or living together are out of the question, then why would either of you commit to the relationship? A relationship bound to fail is a relationship one should want to get out of, not get stuck into. He is leaving for a year. This is an opportunity for you to do the only reasonable thing. Find a better relationship, one to which you will commit with confidence and happiness.
Wiz
February 9, 2009
Question: So I started dating this guy last Thursday and to me it was a more casual thing, and he’s great, but there are some things that I don't like. He’s my height. I can be okay with this. He’s two years younger than me, and that I can handle that too. But it wasn’t until after we started to go out that he told me I was his first girlfriend and his first kiss! Now I'm freaking out. I don't want to be with him any more. But I don't want to hurt him.
ANSWER: You don’t have to be with him any more. That is his first lesson to learn. To do it painlessly, simply tell him that you like him but you’ve started to date someone else. You haven’t dated long enough to worry about his ability to get up without pain or big feeling of loss. He will be fine and next time won’t have to admit she is his first date.
Wiz
February 9, 2009
Question: Hey, I have this boyfriend and my friend set us up together last year, but he's not being a boyfriend. He always works or has something to do. We never see each other, and he's way Christian, but he's very sexually active so that's a lie. I want help on if he's cheating on me, and if he's really in love with me and if I should dump him, and find a new guy or stay, because I really love him – but he's not treating me the way I want to be treated, and I have gave him everything, and he hasn't given me ****.
ANSWER: A good boyfriend wants, and makes every sensible effort, to be with his girlfriend. If a guy and a girl hardly see other, it should be because of distance, and not a lack of interest or effort by one of them. If he is able to see you, but doesn’t, he is not a good boyfriend for you.
A Christian is fully capable of sexual activity. Christians are not sexless by definition.
Based on the details you provide, it is impossible to help you establish whether he is cheating on you. However, if he avoids you, he is not in love with you.
More importantly, if he is not treating you the way you want to be treated, he is not a good choice for you. A good boyfriend, if he is right for you, will treat you the way you like, effortlessly and naturally – because he will fit neatly into the circumstances of your life and meet your needs and wants just by being himself.
Wiz
February 8, 2009
Question: He ignored me for 3 weeks. I finally called him and he said he doesn't feel the "fire works."
ANSWER: If he doesn’t feel the fireworks, and you don’t see them, you can’t tell him he’s wrong.
Wiz
February 6, 2009
Question: Thank you in advance for your advice. This guy I'm dating has become soo demanding. He has a child he sees every 6 months for a week or so. He doesn't pay child support. The child's mother I never get to see or talk to. He says she's awful and psycho and abusive yet he doesn't try to get custody of the little girl who is autistic. He is unemployed so is always throwing the power bill in my face and sending me to the grocery store to buy us food. I can't get ahead to SAVE MY LIFE. I feel he just weaves webs for me to wrap myself up in and I stay confused about his child and the mother. I only met her once. I ran into them together after a court hearing and she was rude and then they left me and I had to go find them. He's kicked me out recently and said that I was a joke because I lost my job. I'm 27. I feel exhausted but I want a life. We had good times but I feel he's manipulative. He wants me to come back but he sent me packing at midnight when I was really sick and said "Don't wreck whore!" and that is something I can't forget.
ANSWER: Unsure what the question is. If your question is whether you should leave the relationship and find someone else for a romantic relationship, the answer is most absolutely and comprehensively, yes.
You say you “can’t get ahead to SAVE MY LIFE.” Well, if you leave that relationship, you will save your life from immense burden and turmoil, unless you find another guy in the same situation and of the same ilk.
Wiz
February 4, 2009
Question: Hey . . . so this isn’t really asking for advice on dumping a guy, but I was wondering how can you tell if a guy is into you or just being nice? Guys are majorly confusing. All girls I am sure get the feeling that a guy might feel something for you and maybe you might feel the same, but then a few days later he’ll totally ignore you, or the guy wants to be with you, or is he just playing you? How is possible to find a guy truly decent? Please help, confused?!
ANSWER: Guys and girls have this problem. Most people are decent. Most want eventually to find a loving companion to love and cherish. The problem is that no one can love everyone that way and oftentimes dates are just fun or temporary and have nothing to do with being in love. People get disappointed diving head first into what they think is a deep relationship and hitting rock two feet under.
To avoid this problem, the first several dates should be testers. Find out, for example, how he treats you, how he relates to your friends, what his friends are like, how he treats strangers, how similar are your likes and dislikes, how he shows interest in you, how often he will see you, how good he is with commitments, how well he communicates with you, how pleasant you feel in his company, how many sparks you feel lit in your heart, how together he is, how ready he is for you to be around him more often, and a host of other things you think are important.
Test before you make commitments that will wound your heart when you get disappointed.
Dates should be fun and, until you find a guy who is right for you, temporary. At each date you should be weighing what you learn about the guy against what you need in a decent guy to make a long-lasting relationship. Wait until he passes all the tests before you make a commitment. If he is too quick on the draw for sex, for example, he is not for you, unless you are ready for it.
If you don’t test, dating is like whirling through painful cycles of death and rebirth. Grueling. If you test, you enjoy life exploring sometimes bumpy roads but with lots of scenery and experiences. Interesting and entertaining. Ultimately, you find a guy who is right for you.
Wiz
February 3, 2009
Question: I'm involved with this guy and I caught him several times with different girls. He says they are his friends but he doesn't want me to know them. Last weekend I went to his hotel room to surprise him. And guess what, he surprised me (i.e., while we were crazy at each other we heard a knock on his door, but he didn’t answer it; then his phone rang and he mistakenly pressed the loud button and I heard everything). I took my stuff and left. Well, the problem is I don’t know whether I should break up with him or not but I deserve more than that.
ANSWER: Unless you like standing in line, you do deserve more than that from a boyfriend.
When a guy doesn’t want you to know his friends, and they are girls, they are girlfriends (of a sort) and you do not want to know them.
Why does he have a hotel room? Well, the advice doesn’t change, whether it’s a hotel room, a tent, a sleeping bag under a bridge, or wherever.
Wiz
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