ARCHIVE February 2007

February 28, 2007

Question: I went out with the 22 year old guy you told me to date at work and it was perfect. We were together for 6 hours in a car just driving with no set destination.  It was awesome. We talked about anything and everything. There may have been 15 minutes of silence the whole night.  Is this a step in the right direction or are we just friends? If other people are seeing something there, does that mean that there is? 

ANSWER: Terrific. Dating should be like that. This is a step in the right direction.

As for what others see, they cannot experience what you experience because they are not there doing it. Whatever they think, you should not care. What you think is all that counts. Be thoughtful in making decisions.

Wizard

February 28, 2007

Question: Is this just a bunch of random stored answers?

ANSWER: No. The wizard answers questions in the order in which they are received. The date at the beginning of each question is the date the question arrived.

Too many questions arrive for the wizard to answer all questions. If you write a question, go back to the site in a few days (sometimes faster) and check the questions under the date you sent your question. If your question does not appear under that date, the wizard has not answered.

Note: If your question does not appear under the date you sent your question, do not assume no answer is coming unless a later date appears with another question. Sometimes the wizard stops answering in the middle of a list of questions received on a certain date.

The wizard will answer any question the wizard wants to, whatever the topic. If the question does not appear under the date on which it was sent, the wizard chose not to answer it.

The wizard edits all questions wherever the wizard deems it necessary.

The wizard does not use your email address to answer questions. If a question is answered, it is answered only on site for all to see.

Wizard

February 28, 2007

Question: Hey! This is a cool site. I've never been on it before.

Anyway, I've been going out with a guy for just over 3 months and I'm so unsure about my feelings for him. At times, I don't find him attractive, he irritates me and he often takes me for granted. However, at other times he's really sweet. He definitely likes me more than I like him.

I'm not sure if maybe I'm just being a moody, hormonal person and blowing hot and cold or if I genuinely don't like him and am kidding myself that I do.

Not sure this is a good enough reason to dump him. Plus I don't want to hurt him. However, I can't cope with all this emotional indecision anymore! I'm in my final year of university . . . I need to focus on work and I just spend my days wondering if we're right together or not.

Argh!

Should I dump him? If so, how? If I'm honest with myself, the main thing keeping me from dumping him is the fact that I can't cope with having ANOTHER failed relationship to have to tell people about.

ANSWER: Whenever one says that the other “definitely likes me more than I like him,” it usually is because if a mismatch. Not always, but usually. You sense that he perceives a value in you that you are unable to perceive in him. If you believe that this will change if you continue to date – that the reason you don’t like him as much is because you haven’t had enough time to get to know him well enough – then you should continue dating and looking for that “extra” quality that you have not yet seen. Otherwise, a dump is a rational decision.

Coping with a failed relationship is difficult only because you let yourself doubt whether you will have a successful relationship. You must be honest with yourself about yourself. If you have not met the guy that turns you on, that is okay. It is true of every woman who has not met the guy she wants to marry (and even true of some who want to marry anyway). Most dating couples worry about a failed relationship, and coping with it, if they doubt themselves. Don’t doubt yourself. Just keep dating and looking for that “extra” quality that you have not seen by dating other guys, because this one doesn’t have it.

You tend to blame yourself. Evidence: Are you hormonal, blowing hot and cold? Of course not. Only you would think of that.

Do not think so much about having to tell other people about another failed relationship. All of them, if they are normal people experiencing normal lives, are having or have had failed relationships. It’s the way of the world of dating.

As for hurting him, dating bruises the psyche because every dump is necessarily a disappointment to the dumpee (if he didn’t expect it, or if he wasn’t ready to dump you). It happens. But if you mislead him, allowing him to think you like him as much as he likes you, then you are harming him even more. The longer that situation continues, the more bruised he will be when you dump him later.

Wizard

February 28, 2007

Question: OK so i have a friend . . . well, sort of a friend, but we don't hang out a lot together anymore. Her ex-boyfriend asked her to go out with him for the 7th time and as her friend i can't watch her get dumped all over again. All of us are trying to tell her that he’s not "Mr. Right" but she keeps ignoring us like we said nothing. Her ex is a friend of mine and he keeps telling me to help him to get her to say yes, but i dunno if i should or if i even want to. Any how they'll probably get back together . . . then break up and then get back together. Me and my other friends were all talking and said that we were tired of giving our sympathy to her. Do u think that I should help them get back together . . . and when they do break up should I give her a little of my sympathy?

ANSWER: You should let them be. If he wants to get back together with her, that should be up to her. Let them date and dump as often as they decide to do it. They are learning about each other and life – and maybe they like doing it to each other. Who knows? They should do whatever it is they will do without you and others getting involved.

You said it best. “Any how they’ll probably get back together . . . then break up and then get back together.”

As for sympathy, if you don’t feel sympathy, you don’t have it to give, and you need not pretend to feel sympathy.

Wizard

February 27, 2007

Question: I am dating a man I dated 10 years ago.  At that time I was separated from my then husband and was not sure if I should leave the marriage or not.  I felt that this man's feelings for me were more intense than mine for him and I decided to give the marriage one more try.  Now I am divorced and have reunited with the guy from 10 years ago.  However, he has changed a great deal as a person.  He is rude, boorish and displays symptoms of being alcoholic.  Though he claims to make millions, he did not buy me a Christmas gift or a Valentine's gift and has blown hot and cold about the relationship.  He is very controlling and has told me stories of paying "operatives" to injure or "take out" his enemies.  I am afraid to break up with him for fear of being hurt physically.  His drunken behavior this weekend was so obnoxious that I know I need to end it.  Please help.

ANSWER: You know that you have made a mistake. Now you must act on it. You must not date someone out of fear and you must not delay ending the relationship out of fear. Surely, you want this relationship behind you and no longer a part of your life.

One cannot know from your question, but it appears that you are not living with this guy. If so, you need first to commit to avoiding him at all cost. Do not agree to meet with him for lunch, or under any other pretext, to discuss the relationship. Do not take calls from him. Do not go to places you know he will be at. He is a grown man and should be able to interpret the lack of communication appropriately. If he harasses you with constant telephone calls and you find him hanging around places you go to, like work, school, or home, you will want to consider calling the police and a lawyer.

If you live with him, get out. Find another place to live and be desperate about it. Once you are out, ending the relationship will be easier.

Wizard

February 25, 2007

Question: After having a 4 month relationship w/ Steve, he broke up w/ me because he thought i was cheating on him. I wasn't, but he decided to listen to his friends who are stuck up cheerleaders who hate me. So now we are over.

As we were going out though, his friends started spreading rumors about me and this other guy, Dave. They said that i was cheating on my boyfriend and that i hooked up w/ Dave, who i talk to a lot. Steve and I started dating in October, and i just started to develop a friendship w/ Dave after winter break.

And the rumors started about 2 weeks ago. I guess u could say that Dave and i have become even closer because of the rumors. And now I’m pretty sure he likes me. A lot. But, just a few days ago, Steve and i were talking (for like the first time in ever! or at least it seemed) and he said that he missed me and really wants me back. I like Steve but he really doesn't know how to do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He’s sweet but really emotional. So i told him that maybe us being friends for awhile might work out. And he got mad and we haven't talked since.

So i don't know if i should move on to Dave or to stay single for awhile. I like Dave too but right now I’m kind of looking for Mr. Right and he doesn't seem to be him, but I’m not sure. And both of us know that if we do start going out, its going to be hell at school because people are going to talk about the rumors again and say that i did cheat on Steve. And i dont want to be known as that kind of girl. Plus, if i end up being w/ Dave, that totally kills my chances w/ Steve in the future. I’m not saying that i really like Steve and hope he waits for me forever, but I’d kind of like to have that option of going back to him in the future . . . maybe.

ughhhhh! what should i do!!!???!!!

ANSWER: You go ahead and date Dave for a while. Maybe he is Mr. Right, and maybe not, but you should enjoy dating him and find out. You enjoy talking with him and he enjoys your company. He also knows you didn’t cheat on Steve. He is an obvious good choice for you at this time.

Dating Dave will not kill your chances with Steve. Let Steve find out about girls a little more. Maybe when you date him again, if and when that happens, he will be better at the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He will, of course, know about Dave, but when you do go back to Steve he will know that either you or Steve (or both) ended your relationship. If he doesn’t fall in love and stay in love with someone else in the meantime, he will still harbor good feelings for you and will likely welcome a revival of the old relationship.

You know that you are not “that kind of girl” to cheat, and you know that you didn’t cheat. Dave knows that too. That is enough. Don’t let old rumors spoil your fun.

Wizard

February 25, 2007

Question: Hi.....I know this site is about dumping, but i was reading and u said u'd help anyone, so i need your help!! My friend forgave me and they are like the "popular" people, so i sort of really wanted them to forgive me when they found me annoying. I told them i needed a break away from the group so they said ok. From some of my other friends i heard that the "group leader" said, "Good, i never wanted her in our group." Obviously, since she’s the leader, no one bothered saying their opinion. So i left the group, but i really want to go back again. I dunno why . . . but i have a feeling that i’m missing them or i’m missing getting the attention. I’m not sure. I was talking to my sister and she said that there was a line in Harry Potter saying "never judge the person how they treat their equals but how they treat their non-equals," meaning don't judge someone how they treat their friends but how they treat the people who aren't. Then she asked me why i was friends with her, but i got stuck on that question.

ANSWER: The wise old wizard is willing to comment on any subject. The wizard is comprised of much experience and know-how that includes several lives of vast living experience, various academic degrees and certificates, professional training in several fields, all of which results on one darned practical vision for problem solving.

However, the wizard’s knowledge is the widest and deepest on issues relating to dumping and dating.

You like to belong. That is why you feel that you want to return, and that is the answer to your sister’s question. Do not feel bad about yourself if you feel that you want to belong. It is quite normal.

Most people of all ages like to belong to a group of some kind. The younger you are, the more likely you will want to belong to “the group,” which means being popular. To be accepted and well-liked is perceived among most younger people as a virtue, and sometimes, to be accepted, younger people will participate in and do things that they really shouldn’t.

Remember, though, just in case you think about things like this, that being independent is a blessing and an art form. It is a potential source of great personal strength, vision, and freedom. Those who learn the value of independence know its greatness and live for it until they die. They learn that being different is okay, and they learn to respect others who are also different. More older people have learned this than younger, though people of all ages figure it out. Many do not. And those who do not are not any less a valuable person.

The wizard plants this seed of a thought in your mind to tell you that it is okay if you do not belong to this group of “friends,” if you choose not to. Part of growing up is to learn to think and decide for yourself without bending too much to the pressure of your “friends” or to be popular.

Good Luck to u.

Wizard

February 22, 2007

Question: Well u see, my friend has been mad at me a lot lately and i don't know why. If she's mad at someone she drags all of our friends into it. U could say she’s basically the leader. She was mad at me before cuz she thought i took too much control over the group. Now she’s mad at me cuz she finds me annoying. I don't want her to be mad at me anymore, cuz knowing her she'll say mean stuff about me. I'm not sure if i should apologize and become friends again, because i don't think that i did anything wrong. I don't know if i really want to be her friend either. But if i'm not friends with her, then i can't be friends with my other friends. All i'm just saying or asking is . . . is she really my real friend? and the friends that she dragged into the problem, are they really my real friends too? Because having to be friends with someone u don't like isn't right. And one more thing to ask of u. Should i be the one saying sorry or should it be her?

ANSWER: She should be apologizing to you. Unfortunately, what should be and what is are often different, and making what is turn into what should be is not always possible.

You could deal with her this way: “If I did something wrong, and I don’t think I did, but if I did, I am sorry and I apologize. If you can tell me what I did, I will try not to do it again. I don’t want you to be mad at me for something I don’t know about.”

If that doesn’t do it, she is no friend of yours, and shouldn’t be, and that is something you can control.

If your friends remain her friends, and won’t talk to you because you’ve ended your friendship with her, then they aren’t your friends either.

Wizard

February 19, 2007

Question: I have previously written you about my problem with a guy that wants to get married and a guy at work.  I have dumped the guy that wanted to get married, and I think that I would like to date the guy at work because I think he maybe the one!  Although I realize that part of this could be rebound I still have this feeling that it could be more. I told you previously that I was legally too young to get married, and I am, but I turn 18 next month and the guy at work is also 22.  Is this too old for me, even if that seems to be the age that matches my maturity level? Also, if I did want to date this guy, how would I let him know without making things weird if he doesn't feel the same way?

ANSWER: At 17, almost 18, you can date a guy who is 22, but most 22 year-old guys don’t want to date a 17 year-old girl, even 18, and that has nothing to do with something wrong with you. Guys at 22 tend to drink, party, want sex, demand more attention, and assert themselves more aggressively in social as well as work environments. Most girls at 17 or 18 are not emotionally ready to deal with these additional burdens in a dating relationship. Frankly, guys at 22 tend to shy away from younger girls to avoid their inadequacies, as they see it. And some prefer the younger girls because of their inadequacies, as they see it. Hence! It is dangerous to date older guys. A 17 or 18 year-old girl must be cautious dating anyone, and especially older guys who might not be sensitive to the needs of a younger girl.

If you are living with parents who object to your dating someone that age, they have good reasons. Follow their advice.

If you are able and want to date this or any other substantially older guy, approach this in a mature way.

Drop a few hints and flirt a little. If he responds, he gets the message that you are available for a date and will ask you out if he is interested. If nothing works, he is simply not interested. Don’t take it any farther than that. If you get too direct or flirtatious, or drop hints and flirt for too long or too often, that behavior will appear weird to him.

If it works, and you date, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t last. The age difference is truly a big one. However, this guy might be wonderful and a real find for a dating relationship. And, lest we forget, you have your own exceptional qualities too! Remember the wizard’s advice to you on 2/15: Keep it fun, say “No,” and avoid marriage proposals.

Wizard

February 19, 2007

Question: I have previously written you about my problem with a guy that wants to get married and a guy at work.  I have dumped the guy that wanted to get married, and I think that I would like to date the guy at work because I think he maybe the one!  Although I realize that part of this could be rebound I still have this feeling that it could be more. I told you previously that I was legally too young to get married, and I am, but I turn 18 next month and the guy at work is also 22.  Is this too old for me, even if that seems to be the age that matches my maturity level? Also, if I did want to date this guy, how would I let him know without making things weird if he doesn't feel the same way?

ANSWER:At 17, almost 18, you can date a guy who is 22, but most 22 year-old guys don’t want to date a 17 year-old girl, even 18. It is not because of anything wrong with you. Caution is extremely important at your age dating anyone, no less someone at 22.

Drop hints and flirt a little. See if he responds. If he does, he gets the message that you are available for a date. and will ask you out if he is interested. If nothing works, he may simply not be interested. Don’t take it any farther than that. If you get too direct or flirtatious, that behavior will appear weird to him.

If it works, and you date, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work out. The age difference is truly a big one – though, we must not forget, you might be an exception too! Remember, as the Wizard advised on 2/15, keep it fun.

Wizard

February 18, 2007

Question: my boyfriend is a director. he works with beautiful women all day and I'm jealous. I guess I shouldn't be but I am...is this a good reason to dump him?

ANSWER: Of course it is, if you are uncomfortable. The answer to the question whether to dump is often a simple matter of personal feelings, some of them special to you and not understood by others.

Wizard

February 16, 2007

Question: i like the guy and he likes me, but he keeps telling me that i have to learn to commit. i keep telling him that it is not that i don’t know how to, it is that i don’t want to.

ANSWER: You’ve got it right, if he doesn’t. If he can’t understand you, or accept what you are saying, you should dump him.

Wizard

February 16, 2007

Question: Yesterday my friend and got mad at me for no reason. When our class was out skating she told my ex that i liked him again. He stared at me in a funny way and, now that we have a new seating arrangement, I sit beside him in class. We used to talk a bit but when we came in we completely ignored each other. Lately he's been trying to show off in front of me. I feel so paranoid and i can't find the right words to tell him i have no feelings for him whatsoever anymore. I went online last night and he asked my friend (the one who said i liked him) "does she really like me?" she said "yah, she really really likes u." i heard this from my other friend....but somehow i can't trust her because she lies sometimes. Anyways, at the time people said he was happy that i liked him again. but when i got a friend to tell him that i didn't like him, i don't think he got the information. I can't decide what to say to him without hurting his feelings. But sometimes i like him...other days i like his best friend . . . .

ANSWER: Pass him a written note in class. Give it to him personally so you are sure he gets it. On the note, write, “I like you, but not for dates.” Draw in a smile after the message. Leave it at that. He will read the message. His feelings will not be hurt. He will be able to get on with his life dating other girls and will not be full of anxiety about your feelings.

Wizard

February 16, 2007

Question: He cheated on me when I was 8 months pregnant. Then he stopped when the baby was born. I suggested we use a condom at that time. Then we went for the HIV test. It came out Positive for him and Negative for me. We stay together and we are engaged to be married. I'm angry with him but feeling sorry for him and I don't love him like before the whole thing started. Should I dump him? Please help.

ANSWER: Yes, you should dump him. Do not marry him because you feel sorry for him, or for any other reason except for love, and that is not what you feel for him.

He will still be a part of your life because he is the father of your child. That does not require you to marry him.

Wizard

February 15, 2007

Question: I HAVE BEEN WTH THIS GUY FOR A YEAR AND HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM! LEGALLY I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY, BUT HE FORGETS THIS BECAUSE I "DON'T ACT MY AGE." HE IS 22 AND READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP.  I ON THE OTHER HAND STILL HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO! I HAVE TOLD HIM THAT I THINK WE BOTH NEEDED MORE TIME BEFORE WE WENT ANY FURTHER AND HE AGREED.  YOU WOULD THINK THAT MY PROBLEM IS OVER, BUT LATELY I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO A GUY FROM WORK ABOUT MY SITUATION, AND SOMEHOW IN THIS MIXUP I THINK THAT I AM FALLING FOR HIM. WHAT DO I DO?

ANSWER: Dump the guy who wants to get married. Date the guy at work. Be suspicious of every guy who wants sex early on, and be swift and sure in saying “No.” Dating is for fun and for learning about dating, not marriage. Keep it fun. Marriage is much too serious to worry about at your age. You are right in saying you “have too much to do.”

Wizard

February 15, 2007

Question: I've been involved with a guy for over 11 yrs now.  There have been ups and downs like all relationships, but he has been constantly telling me that I shouldn't leave him. For the last 7 yrs every time I tell him to make a decision or I am going to move on, by telling me that if I wait a little longer, maybe a few months or so, "IT" will happen.  "IT" never does.  I feel like I have wasted my whole life with this guy.  He's practically raised my son who is going on 12 and I am about to turn 40.  Should I dump him, or should I keep waiting for him to FINALLY settle down...if that's possible? 

ANSWER: If he has not committed to you in eleven years, he will not commit to you. He finds your relationship to be convenient, or he would have left long ago, but he has not found you to be a love interest for life – which is what is meant by “IT.”

If you want to be in love, and be loved, with a permanent commitment, this guy is not the one. If you find the relationship to be convenient also, you need to decide whether you are satisfied with a convenient relationship. If you want more, find someone else.

Nearly half of your adult life has been spent with this guy – and 11/12 ths of your son’s life. You are young enough to find, and your son is young enough to enjoy companionship with, someone with whom you will share a true loving relationship for the long term.

When he gets the news, and knows it is for real, he might change his tune. In that case you might want to keep him. If he says goodbye, you will know you made the right decision.

Wizard

February 15, 2007

Question: I'm dating a guy who is a senior in high school. We've been together for a while and I love him very much but lately I've been having second thoughts. I've had feelings for a friend of mine when I'm here at college. I ended up hooking up the with the guy I like while my boyfriend and I were on a break and I felt really bad to the point where I had to tell my boyfriend. He told me he didn’t care and would love me either way.

The thing is that my boyfriend is really immature at times but very funny. When we first started dating he always complimented me on every little thing but now he doesn’t. The guy I like attends college with me. He says I look cute or pretty or good even when I'm sicker than a dog. He even surprised me one day and told me to go to my door I opened it and there he was with a teddy bear and a rose because he knew I was bummed out about a friend moving. I can’t choose and even though everyone says that I know what i want i truly don’t know what to do.

ANSWER: To continue dating your boyfriend when you are in college and he is in high school is difficult – for both of you. When he said that he doesn’t care and would love you either way, he might be aware in the back of his mind of this difficulty. He might want to date others also. To end a relationship made in high school after one goes to college is common and not to be avoided or worried about. You can still be good friends and see each other when on break.

You should enjoy your life in college. Date your new friend because he wants to date you! You will enjoy his company and the relationship has a much better chance of blossoming into a good one with both of you at the same college.

Wizard

February 15, 2007

Question: Ok so I'm seeing this guy. I love him very much but because he just recently moved out to Massachusetts, and I'm tied up here, it seems like everything is different between us. When I call him to talk to him I usually have to call more than five times for him to answer. He doesn't want me to hang out with any guys no matter how well or long I've known them. He's best friends with my older sister and I can't tell my sister about us because we both know she's going to flip out and he said that if she does I won't ever hear from him again. HELP!!! It's driving me crazy!

ANSWER: How far away from you he is now is not clear. What is clear is that things seem different between you, that you call him more than five times for him to answer, and that he has threatened that you will not hear from him again if your sister informs him about things you say.

This is a good formula for a bad dating relationship. You should be able hang out with other guys without worrying about your sister or him.

If he were truly interested in you, he wouldn’t be so hard to reach.

As much as you might love him, this is not looking like a two-way street, which is what dating relationships need to be. Date someone nearby and enjoy it. Don’t hesitate to let your sister know and good riddance to your boyfriend’s controlling attitude.

Wizard

February 14, 2007

Question: I have been married 34 years. My husband is now unemployed, very cranky, and completely unreasonable. He is very overweight and refuses to take care of himself. He is clinically depressed and refuses to take medication for that either. We have 4 children (they are grown and on their own). We do not get along anymore. We cannot even be in the same room together. I cannot handle it anymore. Do I leave or just be miserable forever?

ANSWER: Leave. Get out and find new friends. Get started on new ventures, new relationships, and new life-changing projects. Be sure you are healthy (the most critical thing for you now) and get out there and appreciate life.

You will fail and succeed. Never give up and never let yourself down when you fail. Shrug your shoulders and move on to the next thing (or one of the other things you’re doing, because as a new person with a new life you will be multi-tasking). The agony of defeat and the ecstasy of success await you.

You can fill the balance of your life with new meaning, purpose, and reward.

Note: Be tender to your husband. You loved him and he loved you. You brought up four children. A light kiss on the cheek, a smile, and a “Thank you for all that you gave to me” are three kind, appropriate gifts to him. Then leave. Your divorce should be mediated (not litigated) with intelligence, efficiency, and frugality.

Wizard

February 13, 2007

Question: He always talks about sex and says nothing like: can i take you out for a movie or anything else. No flowers, no nothing. I feel pressured and I hate it. I'm looking for words to email and dump him.

ANSWER: Try this: When a baby wants candy, all he can do is say, “Candy! Candy!” over and over again. His mother learns to ignore him. When a young man wants candy, he says, “How about some candy? Do you have candy? I want some candy.” His date wriggles away from him because she thinks all he likes is candy. A real guy who wants candy says, “Let me carry that for you. Oh, look what I found. These lovely flowers are for you. Movie tickets are in with the card.” His lover says, “Honey, I’ve got candy I save just for you right here in my pocket.”

Wizard

February 13, 2007

Question: how do i dump this guy i started dating Saturday? i have problems. he doesn’t go to school and he is 15. HELP!! my mom says if he doesn’t go to school i cant see him. what do i do? he is a great guy, but not only does he not go to school, he is my best friend’s ex-boyfriend and she still has feelings for him. what do i do? HELP ME!!

ANSWER: Great guy or not, don’t date him.

Do a friendly dump, like “You’re a great guy, but my mom says I can’t see you if you’re not going to school. You’re only 15 and you’ve got to go to school.”

Wizard

February 10, 2007

Question: Ok, so my boyfriend has gone on a holiday with 2 girls. One girl has a boyfriend with her and he 'never thought' to invite me. Also, one of the girls has tried it on with him a number of times. And now, he has a problem that Ive got a problem with that. He's just txted from Poland to say not to txt him, he'll have his phone off. Should I dump him?

ANSWER: The wizard can answer whether good reason exists for a dump. Whether you should follow through is always up to you.

In this case, in answer to your question, you have good reason for a dump.

Wizard

February 9, 2007

Question: hi,

i just dumped my boyfriend because he wouldn’t hold my hand, hug, and kiss me and other silly things like that. now i feel really bad cause i think i still like him. Every time i look at him now my heart tears a little more. we had been going out for nearly four months and i felt like he treated more as one of the guys than a girlfriend. now i found out he really does love me. He is very torn up because i dumped him. I’m also torn up about it. should we get back together?

ANSWER: Most definitely. You should tell him you think you made a mistake, and ask him, “Can you forgive me?”

If he says yes and wants to get back together with you, you’ll both be happy together again. After a while, you can let him know what it was you wanted and hopefully he will try to do better with hand-holding, hugs, and kisses.

If he says he doesn’t want to get back together, either he is immaturely trying to teach you a lesson or really isn’t as torn up about it as you thought. Either way, you would then know you did the right thing to dump him, and you can start dating someone else.

Wizard

February 8, 2007

Question: Thanks for answering me a second time. I wrote down my steps, and plan to start asking myself the questions and work on my self confidence. You are right, this is a hard list for me but it lines it all out for me and now I have somewhere to start. Thanks so much. I will write you and let you know how I turn out! ( Dec 4th and Feb 3rd)

ANSWER: Thank you so much for the feedback. Work hard at it. You surely can do it and succeed. Every one reading these entries cheers for you.

Wizard

February 3, 2007

Question: I wrote to you December 4, the chick faking being happy in the 5 year relationship & afraid to break up. I still haven't left him. I am totally in love with someone else. I don't know how to tell him I wanna break up. I am afraid that he won't leave me alone. He always talks me back into a relationship with him. I am losing the other guy’s interest in the meantime. HELP!!!! I am going crazy!

ANSWER: You are going crazy because you are making yourself crazy. Everything you have written makes it clear that you want to end this relationship. As the wizard advised back on December 4, “Don’t take any more. Tell him.”

If you live with him, move out. If you don’t live with him, tell him by mail, email, telephone, however it works best, without engaging in long conversation about it. Just do it.

To Do List (Note: This is not an easy list for you. You must be sure you have carefully completed each step before going to the next step.):

1. Wipe your fears and anxieties off the brain map. Instill confidence in yourself. Sit down quietly in a safe place and think: What do I want, do I want to end this relationship? Take a deep breath. Am I being honest with myself?

If your answer is yes to both questions, you, and only you, must take action for yourself.

2. Decide to do it.

3. Choose a time, a place, and a method. Keep yourself safe and free from long discussion.

4. Commit to your decision. You are doing this for yourself and no one else. BE COMMITTED and convince yourself you will be damned if you don’t.

5. Follow through.

6. Write and let the wizard know of your success.

Wizard

February 2, 2007

Question: I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago and every night i go to bed and i just cry. I miss him a lot and I’m not sure if i still like him. But at the same time i like his best friend. I'm also not sure if I’m just missing having a boyfriend or having him around. We never talked much and I’m wondering if I actually did the right thing to dump him. All my friends said he was shallow and not my type. They also said they didn't like him. I sit beside him in class and we hardly talk . . . just like when we were together. I need to know if I’m starting to like him . . . or if i still do and if dumping him was the right thing to do.

ANSWER: You do not tell why you dumped him two months ago. If the reason was a good one, then surely you made the right decision. If there was no real reason to do it, your mind is suggesting that you made a mistake!

The wizard suspects you didn’t make a mistake, because you wouldn’t be so unsure about whether you like him. If you made a mistake in dumping him, you should be quite confident that you do like him.

You should not allow your friends to make the final determination about him. Although you might reasonably take their opinions into account, you make the decisions about dating, not them.

If you did take their opinions too seriously, you can try to re-ignite something with him. One way to do it would be a handwritten note that you pass to him just before or just after class, in an envelope, saying “Should we get back together?” If he wants to, he’ll let you know. If he doesn’t, he’ll either do nothing or tell you so.

If he does nothing, ask his best friend out.

Wizard

February 2, 2007

Question: My friend keeps getting back with her boyfriend and we're all annoyed of it. We try to be comforting and supportive but they constantly get back together! They finally ended it for good (hopefully), but I’m starting to like a guy that just asked her out! She asked for our opinions and I’m still not sure what to say! I don't want to hog him up and she’s starting to feel some feelings for him now! We're both not sure if she likes him because he likes her or she actually does like him! Throughout her relationship with the guy she kept on getting back together with, she at a point liked him. She always took him as a friend and nothing more but my real question(s) is . . . does she actually like him? And how can i prevent myself from liking him if she’s going to go out with him?

ANSWER: If she’s not going out with him yet, why don’t you and this guy go out, whether she likes him or not? You would not be hogging him because she did not start a relationship with him. You are just as entitled to date him as she is. She will have to figure out how to hold back herself and wait until your relationship ends.

If you try to go out with this guy and he rejects you, that will give you reason enough to feel fine about her liking him.

If she has started a relationship with him, you will have to wait to see how long it goes and ask him out when the relationship is over, if you still like him that much. In the meantime, date someone else who you like. Dating another guy should get your mind off him enough.

Wizard