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December 29, 2007
Question: I like this boy and used to date him before he moved away. I see him when he comes back to visit and he says he loves me, but he
has a girlfriend where he lives now. He says he will dump her for me, but I'm not sure if he will as he has cheated on her with me. Should I
trust him or dump him?
ANSWER: Don’t expect him to dump the girl he dates where he lives. You will be a source of fun for him when he visits, an amusement
ride at the park. When he returns home, you are only a memory.
Wizard
December 28, 2007
Question: He comes on real strong, then backs off with the calling. Then calls and I told him I had other plans and he hasn’t called
back yet, except for the fact to bring me money when I needed it.
ANSWER: Wow! Tell a guy you’ve got other plans and he brings you money!
Wizard
December 28, 2007
Question: Should I dump a guy that has lied about 6 times after he swore on his life he wouldn’t do it again each time? Can he
change?
ANSWER: No, probably not, to both questions.
Wizard
December 28, 2007
Question: This guy I'm dating is really cool. He's sweet and I can't find anything wrong with him. The only thing is that he isn't handsome
enough for me to 'be weak at the knees'. Do I hang on to him and forget how he looks, or enjoy his kindness towards me?
ANSWER: The wizard can’t tell you what to like. It is all up to your own desires and preferences. The priorities in a relationship are
entirely personal excepting the big principles, like don’t date an abuser, an animal, a brute, a bluster-head, a control freak, a monster
man, a daddy dud, a whacky weasel, etc., etc., etc. Like what you want to like, so long as he doesn’t hurt you, respects you, and loves
you.
The question for you is, how important is it for you to be weak at the knees? If you must have a guy who is so handsome that your head
swirls, the knees buckle, and the heart stops, well, this isn’t that guy. If you put more importance in how sweet he is, how respectful of
you he is, and how gentle he is, then yes, overlook the missing Ken doll looks.
Wizard
December 28, 2007
Question: I don’t want to finish this guy. I have been going out with him for 8 months and my love for him is so strong, but he wants
to go on a break. And I love him so much I just don’t want to lose him. He loves me, I know he does, but I think I might be pregnant with
his baby too.
ANSWER: If you are not sure you are pregnant, go find out. That should not be a mystery. If you are pregnant, and he is the only one who can
be the father, disclose to him your pregnancy. He should be sharing in decision-making and planning for the future. Hopefully he does love you
and will be responsible in meeting his obligations to you and the baby.
If you are pregnant but you are not sure if he is the father, you’ve got a huge obligation to the child to get ready for its birth,
its future, and all the work that goes with it. Part of the obligation is to determine which guy is the father and involve him.
If you are not pregnant, be thankful the only thing you lose, if the break in the relationship is a bad sign, is him.
Wizard
December 27, 2007
Question: I am getting a divorce. I met a guy at the gym who is younger than me. He seemed very nice and somewhat embarrassed to talk around
me, but very funny and suave. We went to dinner just as friends. Since the dinner, there have been no actual conversations, only texting. He
starts all the texting. It has been over three months since the dinner. He always sends text messages. Up to 100 a day! Almost every day. The
messages have gotten rather raunchy and I like to participate. I also feel like a tramp for liking it. He is very attractive and successful, but
so am I! I am higher on the career ladder than him though. He claims he cannot talk because he does not live on his own yet. He shares very
little personal information and asks very little, but becomes very bossy if I do not reply quickly. I am very attracted to him physically. I
think I really like this guy even though he won’t pick up the phone EVER! Women at the gym notice him because he is hard to miss, but says
he doesn’t really date and has had . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: The question is, how young is he? Not on his own yet, he doesn’t really date. He is too young and vulnerable, or he
is a highly insecure adult man, or he is married pretending a wierd kind of independence. Either way, this road is loaded with caution signs.
Wizard
December 25, 2007
Question: My mother does not like my mooching boyfriend and wants me to dump him. How do I get rid of him?
ANSWER: Tell him you don’t want to be his girlfriend. Don’t return his calls. Don’t text him back. Avoid him if he gets
pushy. Don’t send him a valentine on Valentine’s Day.
Wizard
December 23, 2007
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half months now and most of the time he drives me crazy, but every once in a
while I just cant believe how lucky I am to be dating him!! Also we still haven’t gone out on a date yet and it is driving me insane!! Then
he told my friend who told me that for Christmas he is giving me a necklace, and from what I have heard it is probably expensive! This is also my
first boyfriend. Please tell me if I should dump him or not, and if I should then how and when?
ANSWER: No reason exists in this narrative. You feel lucky to be dating him. Why stop something lucky? No need to think about how and when.
Keep the answer “Never” until you want to dump him. When that time comes, you will know when. Do it and you will start the
long, arduous course of learning how.
Wizard
December 23, 2007
Question: When my boyfriend came over today he had marks on his neck that looked like hickeys. He claims they weren't. Should I dump
him?
ANSWER: No, give him the benefit of any doubt. He could have been snagged by an errant young lady who found his nape irresistible. If he was
so lucky, he won’t admit it any way. If you catch him giving some one a love bite, the doubt disappears.
Wizard
December 23, 2007
Question: I've been dating a guy for 3 months now and we have tons of chemistry. I have a few reservations though. He just got out of a 5
year relationship two months before we started seeing each other. Being the co-dependent type, he hasn't really been single in his entire life,
ever. He's 28 and doesn't have a reliable source of income (I pay for everything). He voices his jealousy about the smallest things. I just feel
like he's overly dramatic a lot of the time. We communicate well, have awesome sex, and have fun together for the most part, but these seem like
warning signs to me. Is he worth investing my time in?
ANSWER: If he were a “co-dependent” type because he had never been single in his entire life, well, that circumstance can be
over-looked. He might be so attractive to the female sex that he has never been wanting for love. His jealousy and over-dramatic responses can be
signs to watch, but they alone are not fatal to a dating relationship that has so many pluses.
Something seems amiss, however, if he is 28 and does not have a reliable source of income. If he studies for a post-graduate degree, or
actively seeks a trade or profession, so much so good. If he can’t find work but is looking and trying, so much so good. In these
instances, his financial lapse is temporary and he will recover.
If his burden is sloth, no good, unless you find him so attractive you are willing to keep him home like a teddy bear. He can grow fat and
soft on your toil. You do not want someone who is permanently financially dependent because of sloth. Sloth sounds like what it is. Don’t
go near it.
Wizard
December 23, 2007
Question: Wizard, I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months now, and we were best friends for about 4 months before. The 3 months have
been great. However, he never wanted to take it to the next level and be considered "dating" or boyfriend/girlfriend. I just found out
he tried to pick up other girls and acted completely uncommitted during these 3 months. Recently, he asked me to take a trip with his whole
family and claims he wants to show me off to his family and take this more seriously. However, we are both going away for 5 months in about 2
weeks. Why all of the sudden does he want to get serious, and should I go on this trip even though I am very upset and embarrassed with his
previous lack of commitment? He is very hurt that I will not go on the trip, but I don't know what to do.
ANSWER: Asking you to go on a trip with his family is a sign of commitment and serious interest. Going on the trip will help you determine
his sincerity. It will also help bind him to you, if that is what you want.
The bigger question is whether you are so upset and embarrassed that you don’t want the damage that was done repaired. If you are
still interested and want him to be committed, go on the trip. If you do not desire a repair to the damage, don’t go, and dump him.
Wizard
December 21, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago. We did it the first day. I don't know if that’s part of the problem, but we
saw each other everyday for the first month and I got calls from his exes. They would call me like 30 times a day and I used to ask him
“why did they call and why did he still talk to them.” I remember once he left me to go pick up his ex ''to take her with her mom to
the hospital.'' I got mad at him and he would get mad at me too. One day he went to the local club. He went with his brother who is 16 and his ex
girlfriends that are sisters aged 13 and 14. On the next day after the club he dumped me to go out with the 14 yr old. He asked me out again 2
days later, saying he didn't know what he was doing. So I took him back but he confessed that he had sex with the14 yr old and her friend. Since
then I don't really care about him, but I don't know why I'm with him though right now I have another boyfriend. What should I do? He is 20 and
I'm 17!
ANSWER: Argggghhhh! Stop having sex so quickly and easily. When done like that it is dangerous and contributes nothing to what is valuable
in a good relationship.
If the ages are correct, he endangers himself (potential crimes) and the young people he messes with. He is a sexual menace.
Date for romance, not sex. If you don’t really care about him and have another boyfriend, open the drain and let him sink. He is
destined for the cesspool. You’ll be better off.
Wizard
December 19, 2007
Question: my boyfriend spends more time with his mates than me and has become distant. when i call his phone he doesn’t answer –
and when he does he will make excuses as to why he didn’t pick up or he'll answer in a bored tone. he says he loves me but could it really
just be work?
ANSWER: Of course, it could really just be work. And it might not. He says he loves you. That is either a true statement or he is saying it
to put you off.
If you are seeing him on a regular basis in a dating relationship, you should know him well enough to determine which it is. If you
don’t know him well enough to be sure, take this advice: A guy worth dating, if the problem is his work, would make it up to you later. If
he hasn’t done that, he is likely bored with your relationship, not his work.
Wizard
December 19, 2007
Question: I'm dating a really nice guy . . . super nice . . . he treats me right, is very affectionate, does anything I want. The problem
is, even from week one, well, I was still hung up on another guy, which made my emotions very hard to read. But from week one I never felt super
"into" him. So, I've been dating him 5 months now, and decided to maybe break up with him after Christmas so that way I can at least
spend the holidays with him and not hurt him too bad. But I don't know why I'm not INTO him. I think we may have different personalities or
something. He loves me, and I know I"ll break his heart. Also, his dad is an alcoholic, which I don't like, and he himself seems to think
too much about beer. I'm a Christian and want a Christian guy, but he's Catholic, which is alright, but it doesn't seem like he's really into
religion too much. I guess he's just not that exciting to me and I’m not sure why. He has a hairy chest, which I don't like. He doesn't
care about being cool, so he wears lame t-shirts.
ANSWER: We can look at any guy we date and see good qualities and not-so-good qualities. Hopefully, nothing really bad exists there, or
dating wouldn’t be an option.
Your date shows good qualities – like being a nice guy, treating you right, affectionate. And he reveals some qualities that are not
so good – at least, for you. The important thing is that he does not measure up to your standards based on gut feeling.
Sometimes that is all there is to deciding whether to continue a dating relationship. You do not need a better reason. Not every decision
about who you date needs to pass a scientific test with a list of necessary characteristics, all measured and added up, to come to a quality
control number assigned by . . . (the wizard, maybe?).
If you feel that you are not into him enough to be romantically committed to him, then you have enough good reason to move on to another
guy. Your gut feeling often is the best measure. Trust your gut feeling.
Wizard
December 18, 2007
Question: I want to know if I should dump the guy I have been dating for 4 months now. He says he loves me and occasionally calls me, but he
has become distant. He puts work and friends before me and he hardly pays me attention. I constantly worry that he is flirting or cheating with
someone, as he has done this once before to me with his ex, though he said he hated her. I’m in need of your honest help, please.
ANSWER: The wizard answered your question before – see the second December 16, 2007 entry. The answer is yes. His big error is that he
does not treat you like you are special, which is an essential ingredient to any romantic relationship.
Wizard
December 16, 2007
Question: OK. Well my boyfriend went to the winter dance at school last night, but i didnt. i heard that he was freak dancing with other
girls. What do i do??
ANSWER: When you let your guy go out to a dance without you, he will dance with other girls. Next time go to the dance with him.
Wizard
December 16, 2007
Question: i want to know if i should dump my guy? Sure, he takes me out and buys me things (which is dying down a lot), but he never shows
or pays me attention. He lacks communication and he takes things i say to heart – too moody! My family and friends keep saying i can do
better, and his family loves me. He puts his friends and work before me and when i am around him, i feel that he doesn’t want to be with me
for long and he becomes distant with me.
ANSWER: Yes.
A guy errs badly when he fails to show or pay attention to his girlfriend. Every girl likes attention and, less obviously so, every guy
likes it too. That’s what dating is about – treating the guy or girl you date as special and feeling special because the guy or girl
you date is treating you as special.
Wizard
December 16, 2007
Question: A guy and I decided to take a break. The day after we broke up he called another girl to let her know we had broken up. What does
that mean?
ANSWER: This means one of two things, or both: She was waiting for him to break up with you and he knew it, or she was on his list as number
2, and she might not have known it.
Wizard
December 14, 2007
Question: I have a child and go to school and work. I found the sweetest guy who puts up with any schedule of mine, is there for me with
anything, accepts everything and is completely nonjudgmental, which I respect highly. I don't think there is anything wrong with this guy. He is
everything I could ask for. I usually end up with assholes to some degree, which he is harmless. He is even cute. BUT, everything he does and
says annoys me. I'm not that nice to him, and he still is the same, sweet guy (I feel like he should stand up for himself, and have an opinion,
which is what those strong-charactered assholes always do). He is in love with me. I guess I'm not in love with him, but I wish I was. Even his
touch annoys me. Can a person get over this? A good man is hard to find!
ANSWER: A good man is hard to find if your requirements are tough. You require a strong-willed, contrary kind of guy who loves you.
He’s a better fit for you, apparently, than a guy who acts like a sap, accepting everything without a whimper.
Wizard
December 13, 2007
Question: I have been in a long distance relationship for a while. Things were good for a time. I was having some issues from things in my
childhood. I have been in counseling with his full support. He keeps telling me how important it is to him that I complete the counseling and
tells me he cares. We talk every day, but he has been distant as far as seeing me. Still calls me by my pet names but I just don't know.
ANSWER: Be grateful for his support. By definition, if he is a boyfriend, it is a temporary relationship. It will end if it does not evolve
into a more lasting romance. You probably need time. Will he remain committed enough to be there when you are ready to enjoy a more rewarding
relationship? You don’t know – and you may remain in an unknowing state of mind for a while. All you can do, really, is keep getting
better and stay in touch with him, and when you are ready, try to re-engage with him in a dating relationship.
Long distance relationships almost always are difficult regardless of other circumstances.
Of course, if for any reason it doesn’t work out, a whole world of single guys awaits you.
Wizard
December 12, 2007
Question: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. We’ve broken up many times because of his actions. He's never confessed
that he's cheated but many, many people told me rumors about him with other girls. But then in the end they always take it back when he confronts
them. Then he was always choosing his friends before me. The point is, when I broke up with him about a month ago, he begged me to take him back.
He even walked 5 miles to see me at 2:30 in the morning (I was sleeping). I thought it was more annoying than sweet. I took him back, but now I
don’t want to be with him, even though he changed to good, so far. But I want to be single now and everything he does annoys me, and I
think his personality sucks now. The problem is that I don’t want to break up with him again for no reason. I want to wait until he messes
up again so I can have a good reason to end this relationship. And he was also glad he didn’t have to spend the holidays alone. I just hate
hurting him but I don’t want to be with him any more :(
ANSWER: You don’t have to wait for him to mess up. You have good reasons to dump him, the most important one being that you
don’t want to date him any more. Simple as that. You have no good reason to not break up with him.
Wizard
December 11, 2007
Question: i don’t know whether to break up with this guy or not. he is a year older than me. he is 19 and he has a baby!! he told me
was up before anything. but i believed that it was okay to be with him! but duh!!! no, it’s not. we’ve been going out for 5 full
months now. what should i do???? i want to break up with him, not because i don’t love him!!! because i do. because i love him. i want to
break up with him so that he could give his baby’s momma another chance, and they could be a FAMILY.
i know that he is going to be frustrated with me a lot, because i made it clear to him that i would never ever let him down. and i
haven’t. i mean thanks to me he is now going to graduate with a 3.0. if he keeps it up. oow yeah. what really kills is that he was going
out with his baby’s momma for 3 freakin’ years, and now he said that they only broke up because she was disrespecting him and his
family and, well he just started "hatin’ her." i’ve tried to break up with him, but when i do he is never home for me to
tell him.
ANSWER: You are a true hero. Go find him and do it. That is the right thing to do.
Now if your boyfriend does the right thing, your life will be better, his life will be better, the baby’s momma will live a better
life, and best of all, the baby will live a better life. You doing the right thing makes it easier for him to do the right thing.
He has family. He needs to be a dad for his child, not a dud.
The world reads the wizard’s wisdom. Readers take time to absorb the wizard’s wisdom at a rate of 50 to 125 every day (at
Dumpaguy.com only – not including Dumpagirl.com) averaging over 2,600 readings of advice every month. They come from all 50 of the United States, the
United Kingdom, Australia, India, every European nation (besides France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, etc., include Bulgaria, Kosovo, Hungary, and
even the Ukraine!), Canada, China, New Zealand, Iceland, Korea, Japan, South Africa, Indonesia, Iran, Turkey, Sri Lanka, the Philippines,
Malaysia, Hong Kong, Mauritius, Jamaica, Nigeria, Israel, Namibia, Kenya, and on and on.
Many will read your question. They will cheer your decision.
Wizard
December 11, 2007
Question: i have been talking to this guy for about 2 months now and i really like him. i think he feels the same way. when we go out we
hold hands and cuddle even in front of his friends and he calls me every night and we talk for hours. i know that it is early to say this but i
have never felt this way about any other guy i have dated. i’m not really sure how to word the question on my mind right now. i guess the
best way would be, how do i find out if his feelings are real or if he is just like every guy and tells you what you want to hear? i know that i
probably seem to have a pessimistic attitude, but i really don’t. i want this to work. i’m just scared because i feel like this guy
really knows me and it didn’t take long. i have been beaten and taken advantage of so it is hard for me to let people get close to me. i
normally get scared and push them away but i don’t want to do that with him because he really is a wonderful guy. so i guess the better
question is how do i let him in?
ANSWER: You have been talking with this guy for only two months, so you have to be realistic and know that this might not make it. At the
same time, you have to let yourself take the ride because he could be the right one for you.
If you have had bad experiences before, you will experience a natural fear that you will let yourself get hurt again. Your past reaction of
getting scared and pushing the guy away is indeed perfectly normal (and sad), but you must be brave enough to give yourself a chance at a great
relationship.
Remember this, however. If you dive in too fast, you will spoil it by being too lovey-dovey, drippy, and gushy. You don’t want him to
feel like you are a wet skin and peel you off. Instead of diving in, just let him in. Be casual in your enjoyment. Give him some space to be
himself and enjoy the moments you have with him.
If he is the right guy, he will grow closer to you at his pace. You will be there for him and the two of you will be off and running with a
long romance. You know that some great romances end prematurely, but the risk will be worth it.
Wizard
December 8, 2007
Question: I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 5 years now. He is 27 and I'm 23 and I’m finishing up in culinary
school this year. I can't help but wonder about how he feels about marriage because I KNOW I want for us to be married. Every time I
bring up the issue he finds a way to change the subject. Am I barking up the wrong tree?
ANSWER: Five years is certainly long enough for many people to figure out whether they think the other person is the right one. You’re
ready. But your guy isn’t so sure. The issue is not strange or obscure. He is avoiding it. Only one reason exists for him to avoid it
– he isn’t ready.
Therefore you should not be wondering about how he feels about marriage. He is uncomfortable discussing it, and that means he is
uncomfortable about the entire idea.
He can’t tell you when he will be ready, either. He might make a promise to decide within a period of time – like next June,
next December – or something like that, but you can’t count on him being ready even then, because no one can truly promise about when
he or she will know.
Not ready for marriage at his age, he probably only knows that much – that he is not ready. He probably experiences an inkling of a
thought that he needs to explore more – experience more of women perhaps – but this is something that is worth your attention to
avoid a bigger disappointment down the road.
Don’t ask him if he is ready. Ask him if he needs time. When he says yes, ask him if he needs to date around more. Beware. His answer
will either be a meek “Yes,” with some kind of qualification that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or he will answer
“No.” If his answer is no, ask him what he thinks time will give him so he can make a decision.
The wizard thinks that when you search down to his deepest thinking, you will find that he is simply unsure, and wants to be sure when he
commits. If that is as far as it goes, he is honest. Give him credit for that. And if you love him, you should give him time for that, and hope
it means he will want marriage within a reasonable amount of time.
Wizard
December 7, 2007
Question: Neither me nor my boyfriend have ever dated before this, so we're both rather inexperienced. We've dated over a year now, and
lately I think he's selfish. He will always ask me to cook dinner (he does wash the dishes, reluctantly) and if I pout he will then suggest we go
out to eat (but that's such a waste of money). Also, since we moved in together, I feel like I'm being taken for granted. He admits he's doing
this, yet he says he has no motivation to change. I'm not really sure what's going on. I know that he loves me and I really love him too, but
these days I feel like I really could be treated better.
Honestly all he does is play computer games with his friends. He said he'd take me out on a date this week, but when he had free time
today he went out with his friend. And he also took some of my computer games to trade in (since he didn't have enough of his own) without
considering that I might not want him to do that. It's about $120 value, and he even used it to cover some games his friend wanted. I could
easily tell him and he'll repent and probably pay me back if I asked it of him, but I wish he could realize how rude he was being on his own. And
right now, as I type, it's quite late at night and he's still out with his friend, no clue when he's coming back.
It really is just these days. Lately. Weeks maybe. In the beginning he was so nice though. He never was generous with his cash (we always went
dutch), but at least he'd always initiate spending time with me. Do you think now his true personality is showing? Or perhaps he's just having a
'phase'?
I wasn't originally going to write to you, but after reading some of your 'wisdom', I was impressed by the depth and care you put into your
replies!
ANSWER: Thank you for the depth and care you put into your question!
Your guy has grown complacent. He doesn’t need or want you enough.
You should not have started living together. You both need more experience in dating and in learning about spending time in a romantic
affair. What you need, specifically, is a guy that causes sparks – not just a nice guy, a guy that puts you into a whirlwind of
excitement.
Even with a guy like that, living together can turn into a humdrum experience, but the two of you will remember the sparks and you’ll
be creative in re-lighting them. Indeed, going out to eat will not be a waste of money. It will be a date, even when you live together.
Recommended for you: Stop living together. If you still like each other, date. But don’t be stuck with each other. You need to put
some excitement into your life. You are too young for the living-together doldrums, and that is what you are experiencing right now.
Wizard
December 7, 2007
Question: My man got locked up and he tells me that he loves me, but I feel like he is going to dump me as soon as he gets out. So I feel
like dumping him before he gets out. Should I do that or not?
ANSWER: Wouldn’t he go crazy until he sees you? Oh, well, okay. You dump him if you want to. The wizard knows no other factor that
might cause you to reach a different decision.
Wizard
December 6, 2007
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. I love him very much but there are certain things he does that I do
not agree with. He drinks a lot and sees no problem with it. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with drinking, it's just when it
becomes an every day ordeal. He seems to be drunk more then he is sober. I hate who he turns into when he drinks. This seems to be the only
problem with our relationship. When he is not drinking he is the best boyfriend and we get along great. I have done my best to tell him how
unhappy this makes me. Unfortunately, in doing this it may work for a day or two, then everything goes right back to normal. This is not the type
of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Do you think there is anything I can do to make him understand this needs to change, or would
I be better off getting out now?? Please help me.
ANSWER: It is a shame how much love family members spend in vain trying to help alcoholics. The loss is a world-wide tragedy. Alcoholism is
an epidemic.
Your boyfriend is an alcoholic or he is on the path to alcoholism. Drinking is a problem for those who let it take over their lives
and for those who love them and try to help them.
Your question contains several signs that your boyfriend is not well: 1) “He drinks a lot and he sees no problem with it.”
Alcoholics typically deny a problem exists. 2) “There is nothing wrong with drinking, it is just when it becomes an every day
ordeal.” When alcoholics deny the problem, friends and family suffer the ordeal. 3) “When he is not drinking he is the best boyfriend
and we get along great.” Alcoholics usually are wonderful people who succeed well in their jobs, at school, and in their relationships
– until they drink. Like Dr. Jekyll who turns into Mr. Hyde, their personalities change when they drink. 4) “I have done my best to
tell him how unhappy this makes me. Unfortunately, in doing this it may work for a day or two, then everything goes right back to normal.”
Alcoholics hear the worry friends and family express and sometimes they try to stop. They do not share the belief there is a problem, however, so
they return to the drinking within a short period of time. Then they go back to “normal,” which for them is an existence of alcohol
consumption.
The saddest thing to tell you is that if he is an alcoholic, you probably cannot do anything to help him. Statistics lead to the conclusion
that in most cases alcoholics are helpless until they are ready to help themselves. Family and friends, the people dearest to an alcoholic,
cannot get the message across. It usually takes an intervention of an auto accident, a heart attack, or some other brutal reality to bring
alcoholics around. After treatment and counseling, even then, alcoholics wage a life-long battle against the desire to drink.
You are not married. You are better off getting out now.
Wizard
December 6, 2007
Question: I’m really confused right now and I need help. My friend Mike and I hung out for about 2 weeks and then we decided to date!
The thing was that he’s going into the Coast Guard in April and I’m not going to see him for about 6 months! When he comes back home
I’m going to be in college! How is this going to work?! I don’t know if he’s the right one for me! We both don’t want to
get into a serious relationship because of this. And then after he goes away, and I go to college, I may find someone there!? He really likes me,
he says, and will never stop liking me. "There’s no ON or OFF switch to you," he told me. I also like him too, but I just
don’t want him to get hurt if I find someone else while he’s gone! I will surely tell him if I do, but I’m hoping I won’t
have that problem! So please, if anyone can help me, please write me! Thank you soo much!
ANSWER: Circumstance does not give you enough time to find out if he is the right one for you – at least, not yet. One cannot predict
the future well, so you must go on to college and live your life, as he will go on to the Coast Guard and live his life. When the two of you can
connect with each other again, and if no unforeseen circumstance gets in the way, you will date again.
He doesn’t have an on/off switch to you, so he won’t shut you off. From your narrative, you won’t shut him off either.
Yes, you might run into another guy who knocks your socks off. If you do, Mike will understand, and Mike will find another girl without an on/off
switch. Like two ships passing in the night, you have said your “Hellos” and a lot can happen before you meet again. All you can do
is sail onward.
Wizard
December 4, 2007
Question: Hi, I met this guy the summer before I was due to go to college, and I thought it would just be quite casual, and we'd break up
before the college schedule. But he was so sweet I couldn't bear to say no when he asked me to continue. It's now gone on through our college
schedule for 3 months, with us seeing each other every weekend. He's amazingly kind, he cooks, gives up lectures to see me, compliments me,
constantly tries to do stuff that I like, but it's starting to get really hard to juggle work, new friends, and him. I'm so behind in work that
my only hope is to do a lot through the holidays, but now he's talking about spending the entire holidays with me, even taking me on holiday! And
also, I don't even really fancy him. I think I love him and I couldn't bear to see him hurt, which is why I haven't broken up with him. It makes
me happy to see him happy, and he's happy when he's with me. I did hope he'd find someone else at college, or go off me, but no signs of that
happening so far. Help me get my head straight, please!!
ANSWER: Right now he sees you as a catch. He won’t give you up. You are the answer to his dreams, the apple of his heart, and maybe
the meaning to his life.
You don’t fancy him, you expected the relationship to end, and the only reason you haven’t dumped him is that you don’t
want to hurt him. He is too sweet.
The simple answer, and one not so simple to follow through with, is you say, “No.”
If you harbor some romantic interest in him, you don’t have to say “no” to all of it. Just slow it down. He
shouldn’t be allowed to interfere with your work.
However, let’s be frank. No sign of romance exists in your question. You like him but you don’t love him. When you say you think
you love him after you say you don’t really fancy him, it is obvious that you find him to be sweet but you don’t love him. He is a
sympathetic character but you don’t adore him and you don’t want to shower him with romance.
Don’t mislead yourself – don’t mislead him. In the big picture including the distant future, he will be happier if he
finds a romantically inclined woman. Say “No” with compliments and best wishes, and tell him you want to spend the holidays with
family.
You might feel pangs of regret in your future when you are lonely. Decisions like this are hard to make. In your future when you wonder,
remember what you would have lost and how bad it could have become if you had given up everything for him today.
Wizard
December 4, 2007
Question: My boyfriend is way too clingy. It was meant to be a secret relationship. But he keeps telling people and I’m ashamed of
him. Do I dump him?
ANSWER: Without asking why it would be secret, and how you started a dating relationship with someone you are ashamed of, yes, dump him.
Wizard
December 4, 2007
Question: I had one date with this guy and I want to dump him. How do I go about it?
ANSWER: After one date the roots have not grown, the entanglements of romance have not set in, only the tips of your toes have gotten wet.
You can easily walk away without adverse consequences.
If he asks you out again, say “No, thanks.” Don’t invite him anywhere with you. Don’t text him back. Don’t
return his telephone calls. By the time he gets the message, he’ll be asking someone else out.
Wizard
December 3, 2007
Question: I have been dating a guy for eight months now. I really care about him and I know that he cares about me too. I trust him. He's a
great boyfriend and very respectful of me. I am a freshman in college and new at this whole relationship thing since I never dated in high
school. I guess I thought that things would be the way they were early in our relationship forever. Like I thought he would make over me, call me
constantly, text me, and go out of his way just to see me. But that's not the case. Now he still calls me everyday and texts me sometimes. But we
just don't spend very much time together. He takes me out on a date about every three weeks. He can't stay the night in my dorm room, but he asks
me to his house lots of nights. I drive the half hour to get there and he gives me gas money. Sometimes these are the only times I will get to
see him during the week. He hangs out with his guys pretty much every day. I feel like I get the leftover time. We love each other but I just
need more quality time.
ANSWER: When dating couples change their direction in school or work or travel, so much so that they become more distant geographically, the
bond between them begins to wither and eventually that bond will dry up altogether, unless the couple makes a conscious effort to keep it alive.
That requires a full commitment by both.
Sometimes all it takes is a change in the social or physical environment, even without a change in geographical distance.
Hopefully you are not experiencing the withering bond. You need to discuss this with him so you can get a clearer picture of his thoughts.
Get a commitment from him to spend more quality time with you. If he can’t give you a commitment to do that, or even worse if he
can’t talk about it, the bond withers.
Wizard
December 3, 2007
Question: should i dump my boyfriend because he belongs to and visits "Hot or Not?" we've been together for 9 months.
ANSWER: If you are convinced that no one else would dump him over this, that makes no difference whatsoever because no one else is dating
him. You are dating him, so you make the judgment based on what is important to you, and only you.
Wizard
December 2, 2007
Question: hey, i have a real doozy of a problem. i really, really care about this guy i have been dating for over 2 years now, but he
doesn't have his priorities in order. he is in the police dept and often puts that ahead of me. i just think that other relationships don’t
have this problem, maybe i am wrong. i just don’t feel as if he loves me and cares for me as much as he once did. he does talk about
marriage and the future, but it seems as if he says these things but doesn’t have the ambition to make them follow through. there are other
problems as well concerning how he reacts to a disagreement between us. Instead of trying to make things better and calling or texting me to work
it out as i often do, he ignores the fact and doesn’t do anything. he just doesn't act. is this normal?? how can a person care about
another person soo much and have them completely give nothing back? i do love him, i just don’t understand why he is acting this way.
ANSWER: Some professions fill up with an unusual number of people who put their careers or their service first – before family and
friends. You are right to think his priorities are out of order, but if he were asked about what comes first, he might put family first and you
third or fourth because you are not (yet, anyway) family.
Nonetheless, if you are thinking he doesn’t care for you as much as he used to, you can count on getting the same feeling (more often)
after marriage.
Be careful about committing to this guy if he isn’t in love. How do you tell he is in love? He should be giddy around you –
happy to hear your voice – thrilled to go out with you – and doing something with earnest if a disagreement arises between
you. He may be acting the way you describe because he can’t find the spark in the relationship. If that is true, his behavior is normal for
someone not in love, and you will be cautious about future commitments.
Wizard
December 1, 2007
Question: Wizard, I have a problem. I wrote you about this guy lately. I've been dating on and off with this guy for a little more than a
year. Here’s what I am up to. First couple of months, we had a good time and he almost committed to me. Things changed after that. He
spends time with me less and less but we see each other every day anyway. He always has excuses to get away from me, like “Oh! I'm not a
happy person; I don't know how to make you happy; My life is a mess now; or I don't need any company, I want to be by my own.” What does
that mean? Honestly, I have no clue what he’s trying to tell me. He said he had many girlfriends in the past and none of them worked. I
don't understand. Please advise, wizard, what should I do to make him happy, or should I just get away from him, since he said he still doesn't
need anyone right now and he just got out of the relationship? I still hope that he'll change his mind in some day. Do you think I will have any
luck for waiting? NO IDEA, HELP.
ANSWER: Some guys are unhappy and can’t be helped. Some guys respond and blossom into happy guys when they date the right person. Some
of those guys can’t tell what they want and never get happy. Some of them have rough idea of what they want, and don’t recognize it
until it is too late!
You might be the best thing for him right now, and he doesn’t realize it. He might also have decided already that you don’t
belong in his life, rightly or wrongly.
The wizard cannot determine what will make this guy happy, or how you can fill any void he might feel – or even more difficult, how
you might fill an emptiness he doesn’t realize he suffers.
Clearly, he has told you he wants to be on his own. You should probably take him at his word and let him be alone.
You have something wonderful to offer him. He must not only know you are around, but he must figure it out that he needs someone like you.
He isn’t there yet, apparently.
If you want to remain hopeful, put your interest in him in your back pocket just in case he figures this out. When he sees you, don’t
come on to him too much. Let him think you’ve moved on, but always smile and be friendly. If he invites you to do something (like
continuing the conversation or going some place for coffee), you’ll agree. Feel free to date other people and get on with your life in case
he will never be a part of it. If you don’t find someone else who satisfies you, you will still be ready to respond positively if and when
he figures out that he needs a good, loving person, and that you are the one.
Wizard
December 1, 2007
Question: I have gone out with what I thought is a great guy. Each of our dates ended in a very good time, we both came out of messy
divorces, and both want to take something slow. Well, he has quit emailing me, calling, and texting me. I told him from the very beginning if he
was not interested in me then just tell me, no problem. The other night he was playing in a charity match game, which I attended after coming
straight from work, only to find him checking me out and watching every move I make. Confused as what to do.
ANSWER: Take the initiative. Email, call, or text him saying, “I enjoyed dating you and would like to see you again, if you’re
interested. If you are not, please let me know.”
He should respond quickly if he is interested, and . . . eventually . . . if he is not.
Wizard
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