|
August 31, 2007
Question: He's a little bit snobby and mentions his ex girlfriends a lot. He has insulted me and my lifestyle as I'm still a student and
have to live on a budget. He thinks that one of my ex-boyfriends treated me bad because I brought it on myself. Sometimes he can be intimidating
and make me feel quite small. On the other hand, he calls everyday. If he can't, he'll text me. He loves my body (even though I don't). He makes
me laugh. He shows affection and isn't afraid to kiss or hold hands in public.
ANSWER: The good things you’ve listed are good qualities. They’re a part of his thinking and his person. He is affectionate,
attentive, and shows good humor. These qualities are hard to let loose.
The bad things you’ve listed are, except maybe the last one, mistakes. He should know better, but it was a mistake to mention his
girlfriend; it was a mistake to insult your lifestyle; it was a mistake (and wrong) the say a boyfriend treated you badly and you brought it on
yourself. Mistakes can be just that and can be forgiven, forgotten, and sometimes fixed.
If he has been intimidating, you might have to work on that with him.
This wizard leans on the side of keeping this guy for his affection, attentiveness, and sense of humor. These are qualities that in time
might help him correct his mistakes and also evolve into a less intimidating attitude.
Nonetheless, despite this advice, if you feel that the bad things you’ve listed have become unbearable or too much for you to accept,
that is a good reason for a dump.
Wizard
August 29, 2007
Question: hi wizard. i like your site. my break-up problem goes like this. I have been seeing this guy for a few months and he has told me
that he loves me. i went to his grandparent’s 60th wedding anniversary with him and hung out with all his friends and family. he talks
about getting an apartment together, but even with all that, i don't FEEL like he loves me. i say this because when he left for a big vacation
for two weeks to this place out west w/ his friends he didn't even want to spend one last night together before he left. until i complained.
it’s hard to read him or his thoughts a lot. when i email him or he calls me (which he does everyday), he listens, but it seems like
because he is solving my problem, not sharing feelings or anything deep. should i break up with him?
ANSWER: Within the few months that you have dated him, he took you with him to his grandparent’s 60th wedding anniversary and he calls
you every day. That’s a good record. Don’t give up on him yet.
Don’t agree to move into an apartment with him until you do know him deeply enough, that is, when you believe he shares with you his
feelings and thoughts, when you do FEEL like he loves you.
Wizard
August 28, 2007
Question: Sorry that there was some missing text (5-month move-in girl here). The last part that I was trying to write is that I feel as
though he was unsure enough of me to want to move in together and then not (without discussing his feelings with me until I brought it up) and
now all of a sudden, he wants to again. I know that people get confused, but is his confusion just a precursor to problems in the future that
would necessitate a break-up? (i.e. living together for a while with no sign of an actual marriage commitment) I don't want to give him an
ultimatum (if you don't commit to me after living together for a year then I will break it off), but I find it hard to think he is 'for real.'
Trust takes time, but how much is too much time? Should I ask him how he feels about moving in, not just how it will work? I don't want to break
up. If things are good, I never want to break up with him.
ANSWER: His confusion could be a precursor to future problems that necessitate a break up. No, you shouldn’t give him an ultimatum.
Yes, trust takes a long time – and the amount of time is unknowable when the relationship starts.
He might decide he hates living with a woman – not you, but living with a woman. He might decide he loves you and ask you to marry him
– too early, like in a month. You can’t know what you are getting. Your relationship in five months is too short to give you some of
the answers, and the other answers you can’t have until you move in together and experience it for a while.
All kinds of risks exist and planning will not eliminate them. If you decide to do it, expect some surprises. It can turn out miserable; it
can turn out beautiful. That is for you to find out.
If both of you keep it a cooperative venture and stay friendly, you should be able to handle it well, whatever happens.
Wizard
August 28, 2007
Question: i kind of had this romantic relationship with a guy in my class. nothing serious, just passing each other love notes in secret.
But Mr. Genius decides to call my house. i was not at home and my dad, the guy who hates to see any guy with his daughters, answers the phone and
dad threatens to hurt him if he calls again. I am planning to dump him when school reopens. Should i?
ANSWER: Only if you want to. Poor Mr. Genius might not call you again. If he likes you a lot, he will.
Don’t decide too quickly he was lacking brain to call you at your house. A guy should feel comfortable calling you at your
house.
Dad’s are naturally sensitive about guys interested in their daughters. They know how awful guys can be and they don’t want
their daughters subjected to pushy, controlling, irresponsible males. Cheers for dads who care so much.
But your dad can’t forever stifle your dating life. He must give you some wiggle room. Give your dad some advance warning. Tell him
the guy’s name and where he’s from, his age, and why you like him. Once your dad knows the guy is on the up-and-up, he might give him
enough room to call you at home and in private.
When your dad realizes that your judgment about guys is good, he’ll loosen up and let you make your own choices.
If your dad won’t allow calls until after he meets the boyfriend, you’ll have to tell the boyfriend that he can’t call you
at home until he meets your dad. He’ll feel a little intimidated, but explain that your dad just didn’t know him, and that’s
why he wants to meet him first.
Take some comfort in knowing that all this will have to change. Your dad knows it, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Be thankful he
is protective of you.
Wizard
August 27, 2007
Question: first of all, this website is amazing. it’s a great thing you are doing.
here is the problem – i’m in a long distance relationship, and i rarely see the guy. we are both going to different universities
in a month or so, and i feel it’s time to end it. but recently he told me he is completely in love with me, and would do anything for me
and is willing to make it work when we are at university. the last person i dumped before he started university had a completely rubbish year
because i dumped him. and i would feel completely guilty again if i did it to someone else. what’s the nicest way to dump him? bearing in
mind that i may not see him for weeks HELPPPP!!!
ANSWER: Only one phrase can nearly describe the way the wizard feels when the wizard helps someone in some measure – indescribably
awesome.
Do not blame yourself for following through in one of nature’s difficult tasks. If the boyfriend suffered from his dump he was
insufficiently prepared, and that can only be due to the disappointment that follows dashed hopes – and that, to be fair to him, can be a
devastating blow. We all, however, must learn to weather those nasty, stormy winds in the dating world.
You cannot assume your next boyfriend will suffer the same degree of hurt. Nonetheless, you ask the laudable question about what you can do
to lessen the burden of his impending demise. You deserve awards for your concern and wisdom.
The nicest way to dump someone is to keep it simple so there is no lack of clarity in the meaning. If the dumpee thinks a chance remains to
keep it going, he will follow his heartstrings to keep it going and this will lead to more pain. Be clear about the message.
At the same time, though you might think this might cause ambiguity in the message, give him big compliments for his good qualities. Usually
it is good to give the clearly stated “I cannot continue in a dating relationship with you” message before and after the “You
are wonderful” stuff. You do not intend the dump to tear him down. When you dump him, you are telling him that you and he are not suited
for romance. That is all. He will make a wonderful romantic partner for another woman (and, of course, you hope he finds her real soon).
Of course, do not criticize him. Forget all the bad qualities in your talk with him, even if they are the central cause for the dump.
Finally, do not lead him on by delay. Pull up your suspenders (figuratively speaking, of course) and git it done.
Use these methods to avoid causing unhealthy pain. He will feel hurt regardless, but the pain he feels should in the long run be healthy and
natural. He will know you did your best to treat him kindly. He will appreciate and remember your compliments. Your positive reinforcement will
influence him to exhibit the same good qualities to the next girl he dates. His memory of you will always be positive. He will determine that the
“rough” experience of being dumped was instructive and formative, making him that much stronger and better for the next romance. In
other words, he will grow and improve because of it, and think of you with appreciation.
Wizard
August 27, 2007
Question: my boyfriend recently told me that he went to a strip club. he says only 2 times, both with lap dances. my question: is this a
form of cheating and disrespectful? should i stay with him? Is he not fulfilled with me and that’s why he went? just wondering.
ANSWER: It is a form of recreation that may be distasteful to some, even immoral to others. It is not necessarily a sign, but it could be a
sign, that he is unfulfilled or cheating. So it is worthy to talk about it. You should not dismiss him for the reason that he went there for some
“fun.” Dismiss him if he is in fact unfulfilled or cheating. You will need other evidence though, because the act of going to the
strip club could be innocent and is not enough.
Wizard
August 25, 2007
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he dumped me because we fought too much and I did several things that hurt his
feelings (but nothing like cheating on him). I was trying to convince him to be with me for 2 weeks and then I decided to move on.
Two weeks after that he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. So I decided to give it a break and I was giving my everything to make
this work. But he started fighting and making issues and everything was a reason for him to tell me this isn't going to work. Yesterday I saw him
looking at another girl. I said, "Thanks for looking at her in front of me" and he was like "Whatever," but I decided not to
fight or to get mad about that and I just ignored him for a little while. Then he told me screw this in front of all of his friends and mine and
humiliated me. I decided not to make a show and took off. He obviously has not called me because I'm sure he thinks he is okay and I am wrong
like he always does, and I won’t call him after that. (missing text)
ANSWER: Squabbles like these are signs that the two of you are not working out. The substance of the argument is ridiculous and should not
matter, but both of you have demonstrated relative ease of falling into squabbles, which is itself a sign that the relationship will not
succeed.
Wizard
August 24, 2007
Question: Last year, I went out on a date with a guy who is an old friend of mine. He made it clear that he's not in a relationship. He told
me the previous relationships he had, the girl who left him bringing up their two kids and an officemate who lived with him a month before she
got married. We had serial dates until we got intimate and then one day, when I came to his house, I saw a kiss mark and he admitted that it was
done by his officemate, which made me furious! I wanted to end the relationship but he pleaded saying it was just for fun. In short, I forgave
him. And then I found out he was fired from is job because he's still keeping the girl who was married recently. I really wanted to give it up.
But then he promised that it's nothing and I'm still the one that matters more. And then he admitted that he reconciled with the girl with whom
he has 2 kids telling me he just accepted her offer because he has nothing. The girl gave him a house and financed his education. I really want
to stay away from him because . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: Because he is not for you.
Wizard
August 24, 2007
Question: Hello. Thanks for writing me back (August 22nd) about my five-month relationship. Not even one day after I wrote that, I decided
that I really did want to take my time with this relationship as well and didn't think that I wanted to move in, even though I had liked the idea
at first and been disappointed that he had changed his mind about it. Well, last night, he told me that he had spent the last week reconsidering
it and that he thought about all of the relationship issues that we had already worked through and how much we knew about each other. We talked
and asked a lot of questions about our living styles (i.e. housework chores, keeping finances separate, having separate spaces to 'retreat' to in
the two-bedroom condo, sleeping and visitor schedule) and had the same answers. I've been in the cohabitation situation very little (for one year
in a previous relationship that ended two years ago) and as I said before, he's never been in one. It's hard to make the right decision because
when . . . (missing text) . . .
ANSWER: This was just beginning to get interesting but the text ended. Hope all is well. You are both thinking appropriately – which
encourages great optimism.
Wizard
August 24, 2007
Question: i have been going out with my guy for 5 days now. i don’t have feelings for him in the first place but just thought i would
give it a try. it is actually a long distance relationship. he's so sweet but i sometimes think he is lying, although my friend said that I
should trust him. i am so confused. i am starting to care about him but i don't know!! i want to end this now, but i don’t know how. Do you
think i should keep going?
ANSWER: You say things showing you should dump him and in the same breath say things showing you want to keep him.
How much can one learn in a long distance relationship in five days?
You can’t trust him because you don’t know him. But being unable to trust him doesn’t mean you must dump him at such an
early stage. Actually, it is so early, it would not be a dump because you haven’t got anything started.
Give it a little more time. You said he is sweet and you are starting to care for him. Don’t be afraid of that much. Test him and
yourself some more and see how it is in another thirty days. Be wary because new long distance relationships are difficult to say the least, but
the mystery could be a source of some excitement.
Wizard
August 24, 2007
Question: Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We used to live together but argued constantly due to mistrust as he had cheated
on me twice that I knew of. In April this year I was 5 months pregnant and I had a late miscarriage. He did not call or ask how I was or call the
hospital. Just nothing. But he managed to go out for a meal with his parents the day I lay in hospital devastated! Any way, time went by, and I
forgave him, and we planned to move in together next week. But he keeps mucking me around saying he wants to, then he doesn’t. So I signed
the lease myself and he says I am an evil bitch for going ahead without him. I just didn’t want to lose the flat because of him changing
his mind. Then he says the flat is horrible and doesn’t want to live there any way when it is absolutely lovely! He also lies a lot, saying
he’s going to the gym but he’s in the pub. And he will make up some excuse that he was confused and needed time to think if he wants
to be with me, but he always decides after these drink and drug binges. . . . (missing text) . . .
ANSWER: This narrative could go on and on. You’ve likely got a long list that could fill a book of grievances. You have stated enough
to make it clear that your boyfriend of six years should not become your boyfriend of seven years.
Wizard
August 22, 2007
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. There's a lot of detail to our relationship, but I don't know what
to look at and what to pay attention to as signs that we need to end it. I met him though his best friend. We went on a few dates and really hit
it off. We just absolutely loved spending time with each other. About 6 months into the relationship I found out he was still basically in love
with his ex of 6 years, which is why he couldn't say it to me. I also discovered that they broke up less than a month before our first date. I
couldn't bring myself to end it with him, despite how betrayed and used I felt, because I had already fallen in love with him. Since then, some
things have gotten better and others worse. He loves me, but has told me he can't give me his whole heart. He has a great degree, but bartends at
a dead end job three nights a week. I can stay with him as much as I want, but he hardly sleeps over at my place. We don't go on dates or rarely
out . . . (missing text)
I love him and give him more than he does me, but nothing seems to change. He says he can't yet but that "there's just something about
me" and that's the extent of the explanation I get. On occasion he'll mention that he wants to clean his act up, get a better job, etc. and
I get excited that maybe that means he will grow up and commit too, but again nothing ever changes. Is this all worth dumping him over, or am I
reading too much into it?
ANSWER: After a little over a year of dating, you are not reading too much into it. If after all that time the best he can do is say he
can’t give you his whole heart, the problem in the relationship is severe.
The bartending and occasional mention that he wants to clean up his act is all about him, not you. The best you get is less than his whole
heart and a cryptic “there’s something about you.” Not good enough.
It is worth dumping him over.
Wizard
August 22, 2007
Question: I've been dating a guy for about five months now. He admitted that he had never been in a committed relationship before, but he
had always been the 'guy friend' in previous male-female friendships and a few isolated one-night stands, none of which ended in a relationship.
Within a few weeks, he was saying 'I love you' and I thought that it felt right to say the same in return. He introduced me to his entire group
of family and friends and talked about moving in together. Now, I feel as though he is taking me for granted and backing off in a big way. I have
asked, taking his inexperience and feelings in mind, to be more affectionate towards me. Up until about a month ago, he was affectionate at least
when we were alone together, but never in public. Now it's neither. Without really talking about it with me, he decided that now he doesn't want
to move in together. We talked about it and he said that he wants to slow down. He still says that he loves me and that he's looking forward to
good . . . (missing text)
ANSWER: When he says he still loves you, it means that he still has good feelings for you, but it is not love – yet.
Five months is very fast for moving in together. His enthusiasm was probably genuine but not inspired by pure love. A guy loves the idea of
living with a woman, especially when he hasn’t done it before, because he’ll have sex and companionship and sex and good conversation
and frequent dates and sex and sex.
He may well realize that this was too fast and that his motivations were not what makes a good relationship last. He is honest in saying he
needs to slow down.
The wizard recommends you continue to date him and see how the relationship matures, if it can. He is testing out his own feelings to see if
they can amount to love, which is where he wants to get. Remember he hasn’t had a good relationship before you.
If the relationship withers into nothing, he didn’t have the love interest and you should feel relieved that you saved yourself from a
miserable experience. If it improves and evolves, you’ll be living together in a more meaningful way maybe a year or more later.
Wizard
August 22, 2007
Question: my boyfriend calls me a brainless bitch. i know he loves me a lot but what should i do?? since it hurt so badly . . .
ANSWER: No boyfriend who respects his girl calls her that. If you like him demeaning you that way, accept it, forget the hurt, and continue
to tolerate it. If you do not like it, and you don’t because you felt hurt, you should end it pronto.
Do not expect a dramatic change if he apologizes. If he is able to demean you in this manner, his mind is not in the right place to love
you, respect you, and treat you accordingly.
Wizard
August 21, 2007
Question: I have been dating a man for 17 months. He does everything a man in love would do. He is loyal, loving, and is great with my kids.
The problem? He will not commit to marriage. He says that he wants to wait until his kids are grown. They live with their mom. She is remarried.
He calls at least three times a day when he is not with me. We vacation together as a family. Spend most holidays together. He was there for me
when my mother passed away. But whenever I begin to speak about the future, he says he's not ready. Do I wait? Do I move on? I really do love him
and do not want to loose him but sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the relationship. I have nothing else to give. I've been devoted and
giving. Am I stupid?
ANSWER: No, you are not stupid. You are thinking about the natural and expected course of events. You fall in love and you get married. If,
perchance, a marriage breaks up and you are dating a guy who was formerly married, we do not see the world any different in this circumstance. If
you are in love, why not formalize it with a marriage ceremony? In most places in the world marriage gives security, both financially and
emotionally, and almost all governments in the world endorse marriage for these purposes.
Your man might see it differently. He may have had a difficult marriage or a difficult divorce, and may be shy about marriage for this
reason alone. He may be sensitive about giving up freedom he perceives he has now, and refuses to lose it legally, even if he is willing to
sacrifice freedom on a day-to-day basis for you for the rest of his life. In other words, he may feel that the door behind him is still open. He
can walk through it at any time. Once he marries again, he must open the door, locked or obstructed by rules (laws and custom) of marriage and
divorce, to get through.
He could simply not love you, but your question does not suggest that answer. He can love you completely but remain unwilling to marry.
You will need to discuss this with him to determine how he thinks. Then, if he cannot see his way to marriage, you might have to decide: Can
our commitment to each other be solid enough in our love without marriage, or do I require marriage to be secure and happy? If your answer is yes
to the first part, shoot for that. If the answer to the second part is yes, you might have to let this man out that door.
Wizard
August 20, 2007
Question: Hello, firstly I would like to thank you for your time. It is truly appreciated. Now, my situation is something that I haven't a
clue where to begin. I've started dating one of my best male friends at the beginning of this summer. We are going to be going to different
schools this Wednesday, and he is displaying some serious security problems concerning this. He is worried sick about me encountering other guys,
and ultimately me discontinuing to date him. He expresses his distaste at least once a day about this, and to be frank, this thoroughly gets on
my nerves. I have assured him, that what is meant to be will be, and the future is in God's hands. Honestly I want to date others, but I am
unsure what to do about the current guy I'm dating. I feel I am too young to deal with commitment that he wants. So, what am I to do? I don't
want to hurt his feelings at all, and I want him to be feel good about his life and me. So please, I beg of you, give me advice. Thank you.
ANSWER: He naturally worries. He enjoys a wonderful companionship with you and doesn’t want to lose you. Losing a great date because
of circumstances beyond one’s control, especially when one didn’t do anything to cause a break-up, is painful and gut-wrenching.
Your thinking is entirely rational and fair. You show an excellent understanding of your circumstances.
He knows he can’t blame you or point to you as a cause of his feeling hurt. He is a victim of circumstance. This he must learn to
adjust to and you cannot do much to help. You can’t make promises you cannot keep, like promising not to date someone else, or promising
that you’ll date again with him later, or promising that you will always love him, etc.
Any attempt you make to help him by telling how fond you are of him, for instance, will only cause him more hurt. He needs to learn to
adjust to the vagaries of circumstance. As you say, it is in God’s hands. That is one way to adjust – he may develop other ways, but
he must adjust. You can’t fix it for him and you can’t, as much as you would like to, make this necessary lesson about life an easy
one. Disappointment is real and more frequent than any of us want it to be, but we must accept it and carry on.
Wizard
August 20, 2007
Question: soo, i’ve been on and off with this guy for about 2 or 3 years and a part of me loves him. but whenever i’m with him
i’m not happy and it hurts me to even look at him. and when i’m upset he acts like he doesn’t care at all. and i get so jealous
when he talks to other girls, but i don’t know why. like, i know i don’t want to be with him but i just can’t stop going back
with him. it hurts me to even be in this, what should i do?
ANSWER: You need to get out of “this.”
You do not identify anything that your boyfriend does wrong. Your question centers solely on what you cannot do to help yourself. You do not
want to be with your boyfriend but you continue to date him off and on, and you can’t get yourself to end it even though you are sure you
don’t want to date him.
At the same time you feel jealous when he talks to other girls. You recognize that your jealousy makes no sense.
A part of you loves him. That is the source of your jealousy and it is the source of your going back to him even when you think you want to
stop. You are giving yourself mixed messages. You love him and you can’t stand to even look at him.
You are the cause of your confusion.
It may be impossible for the wizard to be of any help, but this message may help: Love is no good if only a part of you loves. Your entire
person must love or it doesn’t work. Love is not a compromise – it is a voluntary, happy, giving of your whole person to another with
the knowledge that the one you love returns the same voluntary, happy, giving of his entire self to you. A part of you cannot love; it must be
all of you or it is not love.
The conclusion from this is that a part of your mind doesn’t want to lose this guy, but the rest of you does. The part of you that
says don’t lose him must not control or dictate the rest of you. You, in your heart and soul, must commit to following the messages you are
hearing that you do not want to be with this guy. You cannot love him partly.
Break away from him and find another guy with whom you will find enjoyment, fun, pleasure, happiness, for you, for your whole person, so you
can love with and for your whole self.
Wizard
August 20, 2007
Question: I have caught my boyfriend who I moved to a different state with going to strip clubs alone, during the day, excessively, and
spending a lot of money. He said he would never do it again.
ANSWER: You don’t like him doing that and he is okay with not doing it again. That seems good enough.
If, however, he enjoys recreating that way, and feels pressured to stop it only for you and for no other reason, watch out. When you have an
argument some day, he’ll go back to it. If this is recreation he enjoys and it was not a weird aberration in his conduct, you will have to
adjust to knowing that this behavior is a part of him that will recur.
Wizard
August 20, 2007
Question: Well, I told my friend that I found this guy attractive, but I'd never do anything to be unfaithful to my boyfriend. Now, my
boyfriend keeps saying he doesn’t know if I'm dumped or not when I ask him, and it's really upsetting me. He barely talks to me now, and
I'm starting to think he never really did love me. Should I just dump him, or wait for it to get better?
ANSWER: Your boyfriend’s indifference suggests he does not love you. He should be ever ready to tell you of his desire for you and he
should be hungry for as much time with you as he can get. Don’t settle for the blah the he is giving you.
If you wait at all, make it short, by telling him you want him to be a boyfriend, not just a sidekick. If he doesn’t talk to you and
commit to you, then dump him.
Wizard
August 19, 2007
Question: well i’ve been dating a guy for about 4 and a half months now and he’s kind of pressuring me into doing things that i
don’t want to do, but i love him. but there’s another guy that i think about and talk to even more than him, so do you think i should
dump him?
ANSWER: You shouldn’t be doing things because your boyfriend pressures you to do them. A healthy dating relationship means that both
of you do what you want and enjoy each other because you both like what the other does. Neither the guy nor the girl does something because the
other pressures him or her to do it.
If there’s another guy you are thinking about and talk to more, one must doubt that you really love the boyfriend. And, if you have
been pressured by the boyfriend, it appears natural that you might be thinking, hmmmm, maybe I’ll dump my boyfriend for the next guy
I’ve been thinking about.
Wizard
August 15, 2007
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. He is a lovely person but I just don’t fancy him any more and I fancy someone
else. How can I finish him in a nice way?
ANSWER: So many people, when they are dumped, think that something was wrong with them and that the dump was caused by what was wrong with
them. Often when people think this the reality is quite different. The person who dumps often likes the person dumped and in fact sees nothing
wrong. Simply put, the person doesn’t “fancy” the other person any more. It is often just a feeling, a sense of what is right,
an inclination. If one is not quite so kind about it, it is a whim, a selfish decision, an illogical change of heart. However one describes it,
the dump is not caused by a sudden revelation of evil, ugliness, hidden scar, or personality flaw.
You are in that situation. You can’t change your boyfriend’s experience and you can’t easily educate him about the casual
nature of a dump. All you can do is tell him directly, in a kind and sympathetic voice, that you aren’t interested in being romantic with
him any more. As has been said in many answers by the wizard, tell him what was great about him and keep it positive, but let him know that you
want to stop dating. If he gets upset or unhappy, it is because he feels a loss, but he will recover if he is not mentally weak. But do it,
because letting him hang on makes it worse later.
Wizard
August 15, 2007
Question: I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS. HE IS VERY CONSIDERATE AND GOES DEEP TO UNDERSTAND MY NEEDS. HE IS
REALLY GREAT WITH MY KIDS. HE’S FUNNY. HE WORKS AS A NURSE AND HE IS SOOO GREAT WITH HIS PATIENTS. HE HAS HAD SEVERAL COMPLIMENTS AND
LETTERS TO HIS SUPERVISORS ABOUT HOW WONDERUL HE IS. HE IS VERY LOVING AND HELPFUL WHEN HE WANTS TO BE. THE THING IS HE WAS BORN WITH A
DEFORMITY. OF COURSE ITS FIXED NOW, BUT APPARENTLY HE WAS TEASED BADLY AS A CHILD AND IS EXTEMELY INSECURE AND THIS CAUSES HIM TO BE VERY
JEALOUS. HE WON’T GO WITH ME ANYWHERE BECAUSE HE THINKS I’M GOING TO FIND SOMEONE "BETTERLOOKING" AND HE HATES IT WHEN
OTHER MEN LOOK AT ME. HE SAYS HE WANTS ME ALL TO HIMSELF AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOESNT TRUST ME. HE MOST LIKELY NEVER WILL BECAUSE OF HIS
INSECURITIES. HE CURRENTLY LIVES WITH ME AND IS CONSTANTLY THREATENING TO LEAVE ME AND SOMETIMES HE DOES AND GOES BACK TO HIS HOUSE BUT HE ALWAYS
COMES BACK. HIS EXCUSE IS ALWAYS THAT HE CANT TRUST ME. HE IS A BEAUTIFUL . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: His insecurity so affects him that therapy may be required. He is a good person with great qualities – but he does not assess
himself with the same high marks. His unwillingness to go places with you will undoubtedly hinder a normal relationship. Maybe he needs not so
much therapy but a friendly nudge here and there to get him started. You want a professional to help, though, so if he gets stuck the
professional will know what to do to un-stick him.
Wizard
August 13, 2007
Question: I met this guy and it was a fast forward ordeal. We moved in together instantly. It has been one year and now I just don’t
know that I am that into him even though he is perfect. He still seems just as interested as ever. Should I dump him or am I just over-thinking
this?
ANSWER: This depends on how long you have thought you are not that much into him. If you are just beginning to think this way, give it a
little more time and see if your feelings flip flop. If you’ve been feeling this way for long enough that you are confident that he is not
the right guy for you, take a break from the relationship for a while to get a new perspective.
If you are young and haven’t dated a lot, you might need more dating experience to test your ability to “feel” right about
the guy. If you’ve dated a lot and are well into your twenties or older, you should trust your feelings and act on them. The gut feeling,
based on experience, is generally a good test and is usually, even without other reasons, a sufficient basis for a dump.
Wizard
August 13, 2007
Question: I’m going out with this boy and I really love him but I don't think I’m 'In love' with him. Recently I have been
talking to his friend a lot and we get on really well. I think I have feelings for him but I can't act on it.
ANSWER: Why not?
Wizard
August 11, 2007
Question: So, my boyfriend is a police officer and I got arrested. He was mad at me because he said it reflected on him. He refused to talk
to me for 2 days and then I talked to him once and he came back to me, against my better judgment. In the time he was ignoring me, I met another
guy who I've liked for a while. I found out he too liked me, but he is worried that if I dump this guy I will want to spring onto him. He's
right. Should I dump my boyfriend?
ANSWER: If your allegiance is not with your boyfriend, then you should dump him. It is fairer to dump than not if you are not committed to a
relationship with him.
Wizard
August 11, 2007
Question: It is even worse than I thought!!!!! The guy that I talked to you about (your advice) ended up being a jerk after all. He came
over to my house one day late at night and started kissing me. I let him for a while because I still love him but then I realized that he was not
doing it or the same reason I was. I do still love him, and he just wants to be friends, but he has no problem doing this????? I finally got
smart and pushed him away. I told him that he needed to stop because he was messing with my head and it wasn't fair. He stopped for a little
while and then started again. Then I told him to stop again and that I thought he should leave so he did. Then tonight I was stupid because I
missed him. I invited him over and we started to fool around only this time I was ready to give him everything. I guess this was because I
thought that that would make him come back but I was wrong. When he came to my house he asked me why I was willing to give him my virginity now
and not when we were dating, and I could not answer him! We started to fool around and I stopped him right before anything was done and the only
words I could say were, “Not like this.” He asked me why. I told him to stop and I told him lots of reasons. In my head I knew that
it wasn’t right because we both wanted it for the wrong reasons, and he was right, if I did give him my virginity I would regret it. So
with all of my information it is time for my question: If I knew all of this why was it so hard to tell him “No” and why did I want
it soo bad?
ANSWER: The wizard regrets that you could not read the answer to your August 8 question (starting with, “i wrote to you on July 29 th
. . .) before your latest evening with the guy that in his heart sees you as a friend, not a girlfriend. Better said, the guy who in his brain
sees you as a girlfriend, but not in his heart.
You are seeing the relationship clearly; he is not. However, when it came down to “the moment,” both of you realized this was
not a good decision and stopped.
The answer to your question runs like this: Sexual attraction coupled with an emotional attachment is a dangerous mix. You can satisfy
several needs all at once, needs that your body and mind cry out for satisfaction. If you are impaired by drugs, alcohol, sleeplessness, or some
other emotional weakness like loneliness, you tend to let your guard down and give in, regretting it later. But it is easier to let your guard
down and give in than one might think. In fact, it is so easy it happens all the time.
You should be proud, as should he, that you both could rationally make a choice before it happened.
Your desire and weakness are natural. Like deep waters, they can be fun and they can be especially dangerous. Learning how to recognize the
dangers and avoid them, but enjoying the pleasures at the right times and under the right circumstances, is a hallmark of good up-bringing,
growing maturity, and experience in dating.
Wizard
August 9, 2007
Question: I've been seeing my boyfriend for some months and he is in love with me. Maybe I love him back, but I'm not IN love, which means I
can still see things fairly rationally. He behaves in some ways I can't accept at all, like when he gets angry he shouts and says violent things,
though he says he's a pacifist and doesn't hit anyone even if they beat him up. Once he got really angry with me and hit sum furniture so it was
damaged. I know he's done that before, and he throws things. He's also angry A LOT, easily. I feel at the mercy of his moods and I'm on edge
trying to make sure he doesn't get cross. I said he has an anger problem, and he said he'd try to deal with it but says why can't I just remember
he'd never hurt me, and also he says I provoke him. Even though I must do some things that annoy him, I think that’s a stupid argument and
I won't treat this issue as if it’s on a par with me being too slow getting ready for stuff or whatever, because I think that I shouldn't
have to negotiate feeling safe in a relationship.
ANSWER: You are right. Negotiating how safe you feel in a relationship is unspeakably stupid.
To say something violent is itself violent. To break furniture in anger is violent. Does this guy get angry at inanimate objects, or is he
angry at a person and then takes it out on a thing? Surely, the latter. Any one who speaks violently, hits things in anger, and says you provoke
him, is dangerous and you must avoid him.
Dump him quickly and get out of that relationship completely – in other words, no residual relationship, like friendship. Just get
out.
Wizard
August 8, 2007
Question: I've been dating the same guy on and off now for almost a year. When we started dating, he was sweet and we did everything
together. But recently things have changed. We never hang out any more. We talk, but only for a few minutes when he makes up some excuse that he
has to go do something. I confronted him about it and told him maybe he just didn't have time for a girlfriend right now, but he got upset and
told me he wanted to be with me. I don't know whether I should believe him and try to stick it out, or if this is just a big load of bull that I
need to get away from.
ANSWER: It is doubtful he is so gutless. If he wanted to dump you, he would have done so when you gave him a graceful opportunity. His
statement that he still wants to be with you appears honest, from the scant information given.
Give him some time. He may have some other issue, something he hasn’t shared with you, that distracts him from a relationship with
you. Hopefully the other issue is not another girl, but if he is honest, it probably isn’t.
Wizard
August 8, 2007
Question: i wrote to you on July 29th and i wanted you to know that i took your advice. he met me after work and we talked about it. he told
me that it was just a summer thing, then he told me that he needed to focus more on school. then he told me that he was scared because he
wasn’t ready to settle down and he wanted to see what else was out there (even though i didn’t ask him to settle down or ask for any
form of commitment). then he told me that his heart saw me as a friend but his brain saw me as a girlfriend????????? in other words, we are no
longer together. but he did repeat that he wanted to get back together in the future?? what a JACK A**. if you can explain any of this better
than he did, please help! this was almost a week ago and since then he has come to my house late at night and wanted to make out and more. at
first i let him because i do love him. i told him to stop because it wasn’t fair and that he was messing with my head. i finally pushed him
away because i realized that he was not doing . . .(missing text).
ANSWER: He’s got it mixed up. If he were good for you to date, his heart would see you as a girlfriend. His brain, seeing you as a
girlfriend and not his heart, seeks satisfaction of needs other than love. That’s no good.
There is no better explanation than that. His brain wants sex; his heart doesn’t want love. That is the meaning and it is not fair to
you. If he reverses the roles of heart and brain, you’ll be better off.
Wizard
August 7, 2007
Question: ok, WUT THE HELL, i ask u sumthing and say its urgent and that its torturing meee, and u send me a two sentence response that
doesnt help at alL!! i need help! i dont know wut to do because this girl is being mean to me and very unforgiving!! if ur not gona help people
then dont do this site!
ANSWER: Your submission was August 6 about Sally in gymnastics. Nothing was deleted. You don’t mention anything is urgent. You do not
say anything about being tortured. You don’t ask a question. Dearest Delia, as has been said before, when you don’t present a
question or a problem, the wizard cannot be of help.
If your girlfriend is being mean to you and unforgiving, you’ll have to avoid her. You aren’t dating her so you cannot dump her.
She is just a classmate at school. We all live in a social world. Some people we like and some we don’t like. If someone is intolerable,
but not committing any crimes, we adjust by avoiding that person or minimizing the time we must spend in that person’s company. If it
becomes urgent, we seek help from someone in authority. In your case, that would be a school counselor or teacher. The wizard is powerless to do
any more than help you with this simple advice.
Wizard
August 7, 2007
Question: I'm not going to dump my husband yet, but I do want to thank you for your article "Putting that English Degree to Work - in
IT." I thought there was something wrong with me (and my husband is quick to validate that) - why am I getting an English degree and what
WILL I do with it? What's wrong with me that there's nothing else I understand or want to do? Well, I still don't know what's wrong with me, but
at least I know now that I'm not the only one. Thank you so much, I feel like I've been counseled.
ANSWER: The article was written by David Nurenberg who also wrote, “Learning About Love Requires Rejection,” which can be found
on the Dump Philosophy page.
Mr. Nurenberg is well-liked here because he permitted the use of his work on this site. He is not, however, the wizard. He does not
contribute to any statements made by the wizard, nor does he communicate in any manner with anyone associated with this site.
The wizard is pleased nonetheless that you have found something that helps you in making decisions.
Wizard
August 6, 2007
Question: HELP!!! I've been dating a guy for about a year know and he's like my first real boyfriend, but he's also a good 10 years older
than me. i might be falling for him. However, he's kind of like the walking wounded from a past relationship and the failing health of a family
member. This has made him distant. Should i leave or stick it out?
ANSWER: If he soon becomes the walking dead, no one wants to date a zombie. But the wounded heal, so maybe you should stick it out a while
and see how it goes.
Note that a first real boyfriend should not be ten years older, unless you are, say, over 25. You’ll want to enjoy dating some guys
your own age before you hitch on to an old wagon.
Wizard
August 6, 2007
Question: ok so my friend Sally from gymnastics and i are pretty good friends. well, we were. just two days ago we were talking on the
phone. i was tired of her being so self-obsessed, but she was doing it more just to annoy me. so i started to be self-obsessed too, because i was
so annoyed. i started saying stuff i am good at and so did she. and then we started a kind of competition on who was better and stuff like that.
and then it turned bad. we started saying what the other person is bad at and it got really mean. we were both really mean to each other, but we
didn’t stop. then she brought my best friend into it, although i did call her stupid and a failure because she is a little slow. and at the
end she told me that she couldn’t stop because she gets competitive, and she asked if we're good. i didn’t say anything. i just
ignored her. then we ended the conversation. later the next day we started being mean to each other again. well, not really, i was trying to get
us to be friends again.
ANSWER: Unfortunately, kids play and meanness are sometimes synonymous terms. Also unfortunately, some of the barbs hurt and will be
remembered a long time.
Wizard
August 4, 2007
Question: I'm dating someone with no job, child-support payments, guitarist for a metal band, and I left someone who was really good to me.
He says a lot about this new guy like that he talks bad about me to people in town. I was just wondering what you thought. Is attraction or
security better? Do you really have to separate your head and your heart to make a decision about what guy to be with?
ANSWER: Your heart is important and so is your head. Foolish are those who act on what one wants over what the other wants. If a guy is
right for you, both heart and head will feel in turmoil as you fall head-over-heals for him.
Many women who prefer attraction over security are disappointed later when the attraction is gone. Many women who prefer security over
attraction are disappointed later when the security grows uncertain and they’re missing heart-strings.
If you feel you must choose, security is usually better than attraction if one runs the various probabilities to their conclusion. However,
you must make this decision as a personal one, as a matter of personal preference.
Choose love over attraction and security. You can be attracted to a guy and despise him. You can reside in Beverly Hills on a daily stipend
of $10,000 and be miserable. If you are in love, you can live with a beast (looks, mind you, not personality) who can’t earn a pittance. If
your love is lasting, genuine, and delirious, you are on track for a wonderful life of love, whether or not you are “attracted” to
him or have money.
Wizard
August 4, 2007
Question: Hi, me and this guy at my school started chatting via text message, and then he asked me out via text message. weird but true. i
said yes via text message, but i don't know if i did the right thing because we've never spoken to each other before.
ANSWER: Ask him, via text message, to meet you in school at a place and time where other students are around. This way you can see him, talk
to him, and get to know him a little better before you’re committed to a formal date.
Wizard
August 4, 2007
Question: i’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have a baby together. she is 15 months old. anyways, i’m going to
college, working, and taking care of my baby. i’m only 18 and i feel like i made a mistake getting with him. I have no regrets of our
daughter but my boyfriend and i don’t feel the same way as we did before. he always thinks that i am talking to other guys (but i’m
not) and we always fight. he’s such a different person now, and i feel as if i’m not going anywhere in my life. lately, i’ve
been thinking a lot about my first love and sometimes i wish that i could see him again. i want to try to work things out for our daughter. i
always tell him that we’re not working out anymore but he doesn’t take anything seriously. i also feel as if i can’t leave him
because of my family. ever since i got pregnant all they do is talk about me. my boyfriend also helps me with a lot of stuff, and my family, but
when i’m with him i feel lonely and upset. please help me make a good choice for my daughter and me.
ANSWER: You have a large list of big issues to deal with in your life right now. You are the mother of a 15 month-old baby, going to
college, working, and in a faltering relationship with the father of your child. You are not alone, unfortunately, as many young women find
themselves in similar circumstances.
You will need all the support that you can gather around you. Usually you would like the support to come largely from the father. Does he
support your going to college and to work? Does he help raise your baby when you are away? You should use your family to get help also. At least
you can count on them for enthusiasm. And friends, some who may have similar problems, can be an additional resource. You will need day-care
services and, certainly not least of all, you will need a way to find time for yourself for entertainment and relaxation. This is a big list with
college and work and it gets bigger if your husband is a dolt about it.
If he is helpful in a measurable way, even if the romance is gone, you should keep him around as the father so he is involved in your
child’s care (and life!) and providing you with much needed services. Leaving him and going back to your first love is a dream-distraction
that fails to give positive results – unless he is available and in love with you and all things are circumstantially in place for a
perfect fit all around. Not likely.
You should prioritize your interests, always keeping your daughter first, so you can delay or eliminate some tasks to lessen the load.
In summary, you are a true hero in the very best sense of the word to be doing all the things you are doing. If the father is not abusive
and is helpful in some way, encourage his help and don’t leave him unless things get much worse. Invoke all the privileges available to you
for help from family, friends, and local services. Enjoy the numerous and glorious moments you will have watching your child grow and develop.
Keep your daughter your first priority in all events and times. If you stay focused and committed to your success, you will find it, and things
will get better and better.
Wizard
August 3, 2007
Question: hey, i’ve been with a guy for 8 months and he stopped calling me! it’s been two weeks and i don’t want to call
him. i think that if a guy likes you he should call you. but he’s acting strange and distant lately and i wonder if i should just dump him,
but i don’t know how to! HELP PLEASE!
ANSWER: If a guy is interested in dating you, he wouldn’t stop calling for two weeks unless something is wrong with him. He may have
already dumped you by not calling, a weak way of dumping someone and generally not recommended for those who respect and like those they date. If
you decide to dump him, you could just not call him, as he has done, and find someone knew to date. Or, you could talk to him to get the scoop on
what he is doing and then tell him that you want to date someone else. He’ll probably know why and expected to be dumped for not calling
you.
If you decide to not call him, and if he calls asking why you’ve started dating someone else, tell him why.
Wizard
August 3, 2007
Question: I have been going out with my boyfriend for one year and five months. He impregnated another woman, then he told me it was a
mistake and I had to understand. Yet he has done it again to another woman. Does he really love me? If I decide to dump him, how do I tell
him?
ANSWER: He might love you – one cannot determine whether he loves you from only the information supplied, but surely he has not been
faithful to you and has been busy with at least two other women. For a whole lot of girls, that behavior is not acceptable.
As to how to tell him, give him some compliments about his good qualities, for example, he’s attractive to and well-liked by women,
and then tell him that you aren’t interested in a dating relationship with a guy who has at least two children with at least two other
women. He surely will understand, unless he thinks he has you on a leash. Don’t let him think that.
Wizard
August 2, 2007
Question: my boyfriend called me one night and he was sad, so i asked him what was wrong. he said that he liked this other girl that goes to
his camp and he said that he doesn't know who to choose, me or her. what should i do?
ANSWER: He is confused because he is unable to determine whom he likes better. You should think seriously about finding another guy who will
not be confused.
Wizard
August 1, 2007
Question: I’m going out with this lad that I haven’t known for very long! All my friends know him and that’s how I know
him! I’ve kissed him and only met him once. We speak on msn but I don’t know whether it’s working! All my friends say horrible
stuff about him and I don’t know whether to dump him or not! Please give me some advice?!?!
ANSWER: You’ve only met him once – that is hardly going out with the lad. Hardly is this a dump, more like a dismissal.
You are the best judge of the worth of someone but you need the time to be in direct contact to make the judgment. If your friends relate
specific warnings, you should heed their beacon and avoid this guy. If they only express opinions about how little they like him, you should be
your own judge.
Wizard
August 1, 2007
Question: i have been dating this guy for about 5 months now. he hardly ever gives me compliments, and he jokes around serious
conversations. i looked in his phone and he has been texting his ex for around a week now. his phone is usually cleared of all text. i was lucky
enough to see this one. it said that every time he hears 2 specific songs it makes him think of her baby blue eyes. i am the only one his family
knows about and his friends, well, i’m not even sure what he tells them. he has NEVER said anything like that to me. how do i confront him
without it being a trust issue since i went through his phone? am i over reacting? is he even worth my time?
ANSWER: He might be completely innocent, but more likely he thinks of getting back with his ex, at least in his imagination. Having
expressed himself to her this way suggests he wants to make it real.
Your worry is based on real facts that you should not tell him. To tell him what you saw will not contribute anything positive. Other signs
exist that he is losing or has lost interest, like the lack of compliments and the inability to engage in serious conversation.
Prepare yourself for a break up. You can give him more chances. His ex might not be interested in him. If not, when he realizes his hopes
there are dashed he might revive interest in you. If you don’t mind being “second,” you can keep it going.
Wizard
August 1, 2007
Question: We never go out anywhere together, only been seeing each other for 2 months and he is costing me money! He is a really nice guy
and we get on well, have a lot in common, and laugh loads, but I want to be wined and dined. Should I dump before I hate this guy?
ANSWER: He needs lessons in romance, that is all. After only two months, there may be more in his love arsenal than you know. Tell him
he’s a great a guy but you like to be wined and dined. See if he knows what you are talking about. If he is totally in the dark,
you’ll have to decide whether he is worth taking more time to teach good lessons about romance. If he is clumsy but knows how to try, give
him time to get some experience. Eventually he will get it down so well you’ll be in heaven, or he’ll fall short and you’ll
move on to someone more satisfying.
Wizard
|
