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April 30, 2009
Question: I met a guy online about three weeks ago and we just met last Sunday for lunch. He is a nice guy. Not overly attractive but a nice guy. We seemed to have quite a bit in common and he asked to see me again. After the second date he has been saying that he loves me and that he has met his soul mate. He calls me bomb-shell, baby doll, and beautiful, and it has just been four days. I like him but I am not quite where he is at with all of this. I have asked him to slow down and take our time to get to know each other and he seemed to have his feelings hurt. I would still like to see and date other guys, after all I am single. If this guy would just take a "chill pill", my interests may increase toward him but right now he is making me crazy with all the pet names and endless kissing. Enough already? Help! Do I wait this out or just dump him on the spot?
ANSWER: This guy lacks dating experience. He’s too goo-goo eyed over you to save his dignity. He feels hurt because of how foolish he feels and your lack of equivalent “enthusiasm” contributes the jab of a dagger or two.
Falling head-over-heels alone is embarrassing. Be gentle.
In a sisterly way remind him you are willing to give this relationship some time. If he is listening (some guys don’t listen because they can’t get over the humiliation and disappointment), tell him you won’t spin dizzily in a relationship with him or anyone else. If he will give it some rational time, so will you, and both of you can see how it goes. Otherwise, it ends. Then say, “Now let’s both take a chill pill.”
If he is half the man he needs to be, he will understand, appreciate your rationality, smile at the humor, and earnestly find his patience.
Wiz
April 30, 2009
Question: I recently moved from Arizona to New Mexico to do what is best for me. I still have a boyfriend in Arizona. We have been together for almost two years and I plan on visiting him soon.
Lately I have been hanging out with a guy in New Mexico that my friend hooked me up with. We have been spending a lot of time together, but it's more than I prefer. He is very clingy and always wants to spend time with me. In the meantime, I am very busy with school and everything. The main thing is my heart is in the wrong place with this guy. I have told him a few times that I cannot be his girlfriend but he doesn’t seem to listen. He comes to my house sometimes without telling me first. He tells me he loves me all the time. I really don’t want to do anything with him. He always tries to kiss me and I do pull away a lot. It’s like he just CAN’T get the hint. I just wish he would give me some space, and I have told him that. I almost think I need to "break up" with him, even though we were never official to me. But to him, I am his girlfriend. Also, his family likes me and my family puts pressure on me to like him. But I don’t. I am in love with someone else.
ANSWER: If he is not right for you, that is all there is to the analysis. Stop “hinting” and tell him directly that you do not want to be romantic with him and he must stop thinking you are his girlfriend. You deserve his respect so he listens and stops pressuring you, especially by coming to your house unannounced. He deserves your honest and direct communication that you are not his girlfriend and cannot be his girlfriend.
Object when he says he loves you. Better yet, stop going places with him. If he doesn’t listen to direct, clear, unmistakable language, stop communicating and avoid him. Usually that gets the message across loud and clear.
Wiz
April 28, 2009
Question: Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now and he and I can’t seem to not argue which turns into a fight. Everybody around us tells us that we are great for each other except for the 20% of constant fighting and when we do fight it is brutal. He justifies and I feel like I constantly nag him. We hang out every day and I think we should hang out less but it never ends up happening. I want to stay with him but every day it gets easier and easier for me to just want to let go and be done with it. What should I do? I really do like him a lot and enjoy spending time with him and he makes me so happy 80% of the time and i still get goose bumps when I’m around him and we have so much in common. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe we’re just good as friends.
ANSWER: Fighting, especially if it gets “brutal” (unclear what that means), is not normal when it occurs 20% of the time. That means on average you argue 12 minutes of every hour. If you spend four hours together at a wonderful event, will you inevitably follow with 48 minutes of brutal argument? Whoa, that’s too fast and furious.
You can explore what it is that causes you to fight. For instance, do you fight over certain predictable things? Or is it on all kinds of different things? Do you fight in certain places and not in others? Or is it any place? Do you successfully enjoy together certain social events without fighting? Or do you always fight when out socially? You might be able to limit some of the causes and maximize the good things that ring true with you as a couple.
If the fighting is only verbal, you will want to work hard at finding the cause to see whether you can “fix” it. 80% of your time with him is happy, you still get goose bumps, and you have so much in common. These are signs of a good thing and should not be given up easily – but don’t get dragged into and stuck in a relationship that turns bad. Be cautious and stay ready to get out of it. Privately commit yourself to get out if it gets worse.
Wiz
April 26, 2009
Question: Met a guy on the internet, my profile was fake. We met – had a really good time, been together over six months. He thinks I am crazy, it's all in my head. He said I am a stupid cow! He has really hurt my feelings. He knows I am rich, highly educated, but he is working in a bar/restaurant.
He said he can pull ANY woman. This morning he said he had THREESOME and later told me he was only kidding. He keeps telling me that time will tell???
Now I need time, a break for my studies. I hate him. What do I do?
PS: It has been after along time that I found someone, but he seems like a mommy's boy, to be honest.
ANSWER: If you hate him, the answer is obvious. If you feel you hate him sometimes, but not really, your relationship is more complicated. However, after six months of a relationship, he should not be calling you a stupid cow, and should not be telling you he can have any woman he wants. The reality is quite the opposite and his comments are not only disingenuous but they are demeaning.
The internet is not the best source for good dates. Try finding a new guy somewhere in the social world where you have direct and immediate eye-to-eye contact and communication.
Wiz
April 24, 2009
Question: I have been friends with a guy for almost seventeen years and he is nice at first and then he changes when we get to his house like he has two different personalities. I am not the only person that I have to think about. I am a mother of a nine year old girl. I don’t want her around that type of a guy. I have asked him a number of times to stop talking to me the way that he does, but he'll not stop. I am getting sick of talking to him about it. I am 35 and he is almost 47 years old. Please assist me. I'd
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